This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling is the first episode after Turning Point, and Jeff Hardy is still your World Champion, and James Storm is the new #1 contender. Disappointed, I am.
Speaking of Storm, he’s opening the show for an annoying promo. Over the last year, it’s been a long, hard road, but by God, he did it. There’s a couple people he’d like to thank. 1. The fans, who have always been there. 2. His family, who have always stood behind him. 3. The people who didn’t think he had it in him, because they were the fuel that kept him going. Now, you’re looking at the #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Bobby Roode’s music starts up, and The It Factor is making his way down, a pair of beers in his hands. Roode says he’s not here to spoil the party, but rather to join it. He brought a couple beers for them, and he’d like to toast Storm and his victory last Sunday. Storm pinned AJ Styles on Sunday, not Roode. Congratulations to achieving success off Roode’s hard work. Cheers to Storm’s fans all over the world, because they’ll have to watch Storm fail to become champion once again. And, a big cheers to his friends, family and especially Storm’s daughter, because they’ll have to console him and pick up the pieces after he takes his ball and goes home again. Roode goes to cheer Storm, and knocks Storm’s bottle out of his hand. Roode takes a Swig, and Storm begins punching him. He looks for the Last Call, but Roode escapes before it connects. Storm says he wants to kick Roode’s ass. Roode says no way. There’s nothing in it for him, and he’s done with Storm. Unless…Storm is man enough to put up the #1 contendership tonight. Storm says no, saying he worked too hard to earn that spot. Roode tells Storm to tell his daughter to call him when she’s 18 so she can experience a real man. This sets Storm off, and he agrees to the match.
In Hulk Hogan’s office, talking about how bad it’s gotta be for AJ to be stuck in the same spot as a year ago, and calls him his own worst enemy.
We’re now in Aces and Eights’ clubhouse. The Black Scorpion is asking if Doc has redeemed himself. Doc says he beat Sting half to death last week, and at Turning Point, he bloodied Joe Abyss. He offers to team with Devon later tonight. Scorpion says they’ll vote on his future later, but for now, he needs to turn over his vest. Devon goes to the dartboard to select their next target and throws the dart. Once again, we don’t see where it lands, but Devon smiles and says, “That prick deserves it.”
MATCH 1-World X-Division Championship: Kid Kash vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
Kash got the jobber non-entrance, so I fully expect him to win here. He’s been on such a role since signing with TNA, after all. Kash starts off attacking RVD with punches and kicks. RVD fires back with his own punches. RVD manages to get Kash in a leg scissors and roll him up for 2. Kash blocks a hip toss and goes for his own, but RVD blocks that with a high kick to the face. After a crisscross, Kash goes for a hurricanrana and pulls RVD over the top ropes and to the floor. Kash hits a slingshot hurricanrana to the floor, keeping RVD down. Back in the ring, Kash gets 2. RVD counters a corner whip and goes for a rolling monkey flip, but Kash goes for a clothesline from the buckles at the same time, causing a mid-air collision. Kash misses a spinning moonsault from the top, and RVD hits a springboard thrust kick, followed by Rolling Thunder for 2. RVD goes for a kick, but Kash catches the foot before ducking the step-over spinning heel kick, countering into a sleeper. RVD fights him off and botches a spinning heel kick in the corner. Corner monkey flip sort-of connects this time, and RVD hits the Five-Star Frog Splash for the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.
We see ODB and Eric Young in the back. Young is talking about catching fish and alligators. That’s in the past, and right now, they’re the awesome power couple. Tonight, Young is going to take care of Jesse, and ODB is going to fight some skinny bitches to become the #1 contender for the “Knocked Up” Championship. Then they make out. Wonderful.
Kurt Angle is talking to Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, needing a partner for tonight. Garett says it should be him, because Devon’s involved, and Garett used to be his partner. Wes says Angle has been training him since he was a teen, and he needs this. Angle decides on Garett, but has some major plans for Wes as well.
MATCH 2: Jesse (w/Knockouts Champion Tara) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Eric Young (w/Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion ODB)
Jesse clubs EY from behind and hits a standing powerslam for 2. Jesse drops some elbows. Powerslam off the ropes before a jumping legdrop for 2. More elbows before Jesse chokes EY over the middle rope. Jesse hits a dropkick. This match is going at a snail’s pace, and Jesse is about as talented as David Otunga in the ring, which is just making things worse. Jesse hits some corner punches. EY does the Flair Flip off a corner whip, hits Jesse with a shoulder thrust and slides between his legs before hitting some punches. Jesse catches him off the ropes with an abdominal stretch. Young counters with a hip toss, but Jesse stays on offense with more punches. EY does the Hogan no-sell before taking off his shorts. Why? Why do people find this funny? EY hits some punches and a flying forearm. Tara climbs into the ring for a distraction, but ODB spears her and drags her back to the floor. EY hits a powerslam off the ropes and signals for the elbow drop. He goes to the apron, but Jesse knocks him off and into the guardrail. Tara throws EY back into the ring, where Jesse hits an awful jumping stunner for the 3.
WINNER: Jesse. This guy sucks.
Tonight, we’ll have a KO battle royal to determine the new #1 contender for the Knockouts Championship. Up next, Magnus gets yet another shot at Samoa Joe’s TV title.
Back in Hogan’s office, we see Joe Abyss and Hogan talking. Joe says he wants one more match with A and E, as he almost all had Doc beat. Hogan says people want ice water in hell, and he can’t do it. At the end of the day, his job and the company are on the line. He shows Joe the roster list before saying he’s not happy about what happened to Sting. Joe says he wishes Hogan could see the man on the inside. Hogan says he’s not a lawyer, and Joe isn’t a wrestler. The answer is no, because Joe isn’t trained to wrestle. Joe asks if he should go to wrestling camp and learn, saying that’s a great idea. The next time we see him, he’ll be trained and ready before leaving. Hogan says he won’t be back.
MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Magnus vs. Samoa Joe (Champion)
Magnus may just be the most improved wrestler in TNA this year. Just saying. As he comes out for his TV title match, he’s attacked from behind by Devon (carrying a black baseball bat), The Big Guy and The Late Brian Pillman. Devon clips Magnus’ knee with the bat before ordering Big Guy to attack. Doc and another guy come down. Magnus is held down as Doc attacks him with a hammer. Big Guy holds him up as Devon attempts to play tee-ball with Magnus’ head when Bully Ray and The Elite Beat Agents run down and chase them off.
AI stops Austin Aries as he enters the building, asking him how he’s feeling right now. Aries says that’s a stupid question before showing him the bruises on his back. He says he’s not done with Jeff Hardy before entering the trainer’s room for a massage. He enters, and Hardy is already in there getting one. Aries says if he was a sore loser, he’d say he got beat in Hardy’s specialty match and had home court advantage. But, Hardy brought the fight, and Aries is responsible for that. He makes men raise their games to levels they don’t know they have. If Hardy thinks this is over, he’s wrong. Aries still wants the belt. Hardy took a little more than he gave on Sunday, so he needs the massage more, so Aries lets him have it. We then get another stupid Hardy “inner monologue” promo.
MATCH 3: Kurt Angle and Garett Bischoff vs. Devon and Big Guy
Angle says he doesn’t need a dart to throw to know who he wants to hurt. A and E want to do the same thing to him that they did to Sting. No one threatens him, so he’s here with his partner, waiting. Angle and Garett attack Devon and Guy before the bell, knocking Guy to the floor. Devon and Angle start the match, with Angle hitting a clothesline and a back elbow. Angle botches the hell out of an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Devon hits an uppercut before tagging in Guy, who beats Angle down in the corner. Angle kicks him in the knee several times before tagging in Garett, who goes for an arm wringer. He backs Guy into the corner, giving him a clean break. Garett ducks a clothesline and hits a flying shoulderblock and a dropkick before tagging Angle back in. Angle continues working on the arm before Guy whips him into the ropes. Devon clubs Angle from behind and now tags in. Devon hits a suplex and an elbow for 2 before beating Angle down in the corner. Devon connects with a spinning back elbow off the ropes. Guy back in now, who hits an avalanche in the corner before stomping Angle for 2. Guy locks in a front chancery. Angle tries to fight out, but Guy clubs him across the back. Angle ducks a short-arm clothesline and hits a release German suplex. Devon comes in and gets the same thing before Angle clotheslines him to the floor. Garett gets attacked on the outside by The Black Scorpion as Angle hits a middle rope dropkick on Guy. Angle knocks him off the apron before being distracted by Doc, who is also at ringside. From behind, Guy locks Angle in a full-nelson, and Doc comes in with the hammer. Before he can strike, Wes Brisco runs down with a metal pipe, chasing Doc off. Angle low-blows Guy behind the referee’s back, then rolls him up in a schoolboy for 3.
WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Garett Bischoff.
Roode/Storm is coming up later tonight. Up next, the KO battle royal.
Tara and Jesse are in the back, looking for Brooke Hogan and talking about celebrities. They enter her office, where she appears to be fooling around with Bully Ray. Ray leaves before Tara starts screaming at Brooke about tonight’s battle royal. Brooke says she’d like Tara to knock next time, then rambles on about Tara figuring out who she needs to wrestle. Tara tells her to lock the door next time.
AI is asking Dixie Carter about AJ Styles. She dwells on the Claire Lynch thing for a minute before saying she’s never seen AJ this unfocused, and this is not the way for him to turn things around.
MATCH 4-5-Knockout Battle Royal to determine the #1 contender for the Knockouts Championship; Participants: Gail Kim, Madison Rayne, Mickie James, Miss Tessmacher and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion ODB
The fact that only five competitors are in this thing shows you how far this division, which was once considered great by many fans, has fallen. This is literally their entire KO roster, save for Tara. ODB and Tessy try to throw Kim out early as James squares off with Rayne. Pretty much nothing but kicks and punches all the way around. Rayne tries to throw James out in the stupidest way imaginable. Kim catches Tessy out of the corner and tries to dump her to the floor, but Tessy lands on her feet on the apron. Kim and Rayne double-team ODB in the corner, with Kim hitting a jumping clothesline. Tessy makes her way back in, hitting Kim with a monkey flip. She goes for the Shout-Out on Kim, but Rayne dumps her to the floor from behind. Miss Tessmacher is eliminated. ODB and James are slugging it out when they realize Kim and Rayne are doing nothing but celebrating on the other side of the ring. They hit stereo Thesz Presses on the heels. James hits a flapjack on Rayne, and ODB follows up with a fall-away slam on Kim. ODB mounts the middle rope, and James sends Rayne into the corner for the Clam Buffet. Same thing for Kim. James tries to eliminate Rayne, but she lands on her feet on the apron and connects with a hotshot. ODB is still on the buckles, and she spits booze in Rayne’s face, causing her to fall to the floor. Madison Rayne is eliminated. ODB goes for a middle rope Thesz Press on Kim, but Kim moves and James takes the move. This allows Kim to throw ODB out. ODB is eliminated. Kim begins to attack James, knocking her down with a clothesline. James manages to fight back out of the corner, and pulls Kim over the top rope with the Tunacanrana. Kim holds onto the top rope as James gets back in the ring, having landed on her feet on the apron. Kim manages to get back to her feet and stay in the match, but James nails her with a Mick Kick, sending her to the floor.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James. Yeah, that makes sense. She’s gone for 3 ½ months while ODB actually has non-title victories over the champion.
AI asks James Storm if he knows what he did, agreeing to the match tonight. Storm says this is his opportunity to shut Roode up once and for all. He stops his rant as AJ Styles walks by. AJ silently stares at him before continuing on.
Back in the A and E clubhouse, Scorpion tells Doc the club has voted. He’s only going to tell Doc this once: Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Doc angrily stares at everyone before leaving. He opens the door, and Big Guy is standing there with Doc’s vest. Turns out it was a joke, and he’s still in the group. They all holler and celebrate as Doc is apparently no longer a prospect and is a full-fledged member.
AJ Styles makes his way out, ready to address the world about his continued downward spiral. AJ brings everyone up to speed, reminding everyone he was pinned in the 3-way match at Turning Point, thus unable to have a World title match until BFG 2013. In case you’re wondering who lost, you’re looking at him. This is the kind of year he’s had. He was accused of banging Dixie Carter and having a baby with a crackhead. The worst is that so many people doubted him when he was always telling the truth. He was only points away from wrestling at this year’s BFG, and had he made it to the finals, he would be World Champion right now. But, that didn’t happen. The year isn’t over yet, as the holidays are coming up. A lot of people are thankful for a lot of things, but he doesn’t find himself thankful for anything this year.
On this note, Chris-Zarian make their way out. Kaz says, in the words of Elvis, AJ is nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time. Daniels steps in and says seriously, every word out of AJ’s mouth just now was 100% accurate. This has probably been the worst year of his career, and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s bad now, but all AJ is talking about is repercussions. If he’s looking for the source of all of his problems, AJ needs to look in the mirror. All the plans and choices AJ has made, all AJ is is a broken, flawed, little man. Go ahead and sing your sad song to these hobos and vagrants, but the fact is AJ is nothing but a complete and utter failure. AJ says the record books state him beating Daniels a lot more than Daniels beat him. Daniels can’t back up his mouth, so maybe he’s the one who needs a reminder. So, why don’t they do this one last time, and they can then find out who the better man. Kaz tells AJ there’s nothing to gain by wrestling AJ again. AJ is stale, and doesn’t even know who he is anymore. Chris-Zarian, on the other hand, are riding high and are at the top of the game. Daniels will not benefit from wrestling AJ. Daniels says he disagrees, and this is the perfect time to do Daniels/AJ one last time. And, when we do, we’ll find out who the real failure is.
Austin Aries is in the back. He says that, in college, his favorite class was non-verbal education. Just looking at people, you can tell a lot. With that said, he thinks he’s finally figured out the buttons to push to make things happen, and next week, on OFN, he’s going to push those buttons and find the people who can tell him the truth.
Next week, Alex Silva, Taeler Hendrix, Sam Shaw and Christian York return for OFN.
Kurt Angle approaches D’Lo Brown, Al Snow and Bruce Prichard, suggesting Wes Brisco be in Gut Check next week. Prichard says they have a process that they go through. D’Lo calls Wes a blue-chipper, and Angle says Taz loves the idea before walking off.
MATCH 5-Winner becomes the #1 contender for the World Championship: Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
As soon as Borash finishes introducing Storm, he hits Roode with a right hand, starting this match. Back body drop out of the corner, followed by an uppercut by Storm. Storm blocks an inverted atomic drop by Roode before hitting a clothesline. Roode comes back with a back elbow, sending Storm through the ropes and to the floor. As the referee is counting him out, Roode goes to the corner and begins removing a turnbuckle pad. Storm hits a shoulder thrust on his way back into the ring, but Roode cuts him off with a knee and some elbows. Roode tries to send Storm into the corner with the exposed buckle, but Storm counters. Roode steps on the breaks and tries to send Storm in, but Storm does the same before turning around into an armbar takedown by Roode. Roode drags Storm to the post, whipping the bad arm into it. Commercials.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Bobby Roode.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.