TNA Final Resolution is this coming Sunday. I hope the 5,000 or so of you that order it enjoy it.
Anyway, Bobby Roode opens the Impact Wrestling show, and the new #1 contender for the World title is being flanked by Bad Influence. These three will compete against Jeff Hardy, James Storm and AJ Styles later tonight in a 6-man. Kaz calls the audience “chodes”, because he still thinks it’s 1995 & “Beavis and Butt-Head” is still cutting edge. He calls this “Throwback Thursday”, because this is the best part of the most dominant group in TNA history, that being Fortune. That’s all in the past, and they’re concerned for the future. The future in regards to Sunday is something we have never experienced in life, and that’s victory.
Roode says that, every day, people make guarantees, including himself. The difference between him and everyone else, when he makes a guarantee, it becomes a reality. And the reality is, at FR, he will once again be our World Heavyweight Champion. He made a very important investment in himself and the title, and Jeff Hardy, you will find out that it does indeed pay to be Roode. Daniels has one more guarantee to make. He guarantees the audience will see one last match between himself and AJ. The winner will be known as the better man forever, and the loser will be known as AJ Styles. He has one more thing to say to AJ face-to-face, and wants AJ to come out right now.
Daniels says every time he called AJ a loser over the last 18 months, deep down, AJ knew he was right. All these losses piling up over the last year, including a shot at the World title for a year, it’s not because of all these outside reasons; it’s because AJ is a loser. AJ, your worst nightmare-finding out Daniels is better than you-becomes a reality in 3 days. AJ says the reality is Daniels talks too much, then tackles him for some mounted punches. Roode and Kaz attack AJ, and it turns into a 3-on-1 attack. Storm and Hardy hit the ring to chase the heels off moments later.
We see Austin Aries in the back. He says that, when all this started between Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan, it wasn’t about either of them; it was about Hulk Hogan setting him up to fail and cost him the championship. His plan was to recapture the X title and use it as a springboard to the World Championship once again, and the plan was going perfect until Bully Ray ruined things and cost him the match. Now, it is personal between him and Bully, and he wants him at FR. Hulk Hogan needs to make this happen, because Austin Aries knows all the buttons to push and won’t stop until he gets what he wants.
MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Devon vs. Samoa Joe (Champion)
Tie-up to start, with Joe backing Devon into the corner for a clean break. Devon does the same, but tries a cheap shot. Joe fires back, but Devon rakes the eyes. Joe reverses a corner whip, hits a hip bump and a Ghetto Blaster. Chop to the back and kick to the chest by Joe, followed by a knee drop. Devon low bridges Joe, sending him to the floor. Devon slams Joe into the steps. Back in the ring, Devon gets 2. Joe fires off some rights, but Devon drops him with a spinning back elbow for 2. Devon hits an avalanche, and a jumping headbutt for another 2. The Wassup? misses, and now they’re trading punches. Devon thumbs him in the eye, but Joe comes back with an inverted atomic drop and a running boot. Running senton gets 2 for Joe. Devon runs into a uranage in the corner which, according to Todd Kenely, is now called “STJoe”. Since it’s not an STO and Kenely is a complete tool, I’m not calling it that. Joe signals for the Kokina Clutch, and slaps it on. However, some blonde girl in a bikini top jumps on the apron to distract the ref. As this is going on, DOC nails Joe with the ball peen hammer from the other side. Devon easily gets the 3, and is your new champion.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Devon. The blonde and several other girls are then seen hanging out with DOC on the outside.
Brooke Hogan is marching around in the back, talking on her phone about contracts getting signed, and the person on the other end is now hers. It’s apparently a female, too, and she’ll be here later tonight.
D’Lo Brown and Al Snow are in the back. Apparently, Al woke up in a hospital last week, and he has no idea what happened.
Mickie James makes her way out now. She says this is the first time she’s been able to address the crowd since returning. She thanks everyone for their love and support during one of the most humbling moments of her life. As she sat at home recovering, she thought about her life, her career, where she was headed and what she wanted. She wasn’t satisfied, so she made a pact, and she will see that purpose through when she becomes the knew Knockouts Champion on Sunday. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. Did she not think things through before she spoke? Idiot. Tara and Jesse make their way out on this note, with Tara making fake crying noises. She calls James a sad movie, and this is breaking her heart. James makes some stupid comment about not being able to hear over all these people booing her out of the building. I hate her. Tara says she had an amazing year. First, she got rid of Miss Tessmacher and traded her in for Jesse Godderz. Second, she also “got the TNA Knockouts Champion”. Wow. Tara sucks almost as hard as James tonight. Bet Jesse likes that. Hiyo!
As if things couldn’t get worse, Velvet Sky makes her return. She grabs the mic out of Tara’s hand and tells the crowd she’s missed them. She wants to publicly thank Brooke Hogan for taking care of all the necessaries (?) to get her back into Impact Wrestling. For some reason, Sky is speaking with both a southern accent and a really thick lisp tonight. She wishes both the best of luck on Sunday, but also wanted to let them know she promises 2013 will be the year of Velvet Sky as Knockouts Champion, and if you don’t know, now you know. Jesus. Why is it that no one in the Knockouts division can cut a promo?
Robbie E is in the locker room with an iPad, complaining about it not working. Robbie T says they have a match next, and this turns into a commercial for Direct Auto Insurance. I am not kidding on this.
We get a vignette that says, “A reckoning is at hand. Their road to Hell will be paved in their own blood. 1.3.13”. Let the speculation begin.
MATCH 2: The Robbies (E and T) vs. World Tag Team Champions Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (non-titles)
I find it interesting that TNA has never once alluded to Hernandez being trained by Shawn Michaels. You think that would be a noteworthy point. Chavo and E start the match with a tie-up. Chavo with a snapmare and a kick to the back. Back suplex by Chavo. Hernandez tags in and hits a bearhug suplex. Chavo back in as Hernandez hits a bodyslam. They seem to be looking for a double-team, but forget what it is, so Chavo just starts stomping. E comes back with punches, and Chavo retaliates. The Robbies double-team Chavo, and T makes the illegal tag. Bodyslam by T. E tags in as T hits a sidewalk slam. E comes off the middle rope with an elbow drop. Speaking of Robbie T, I talk about him briefly in my latest article at UltimateIndys.com. Check out: http://www.ultimateindys.com/if-you-decide-to-wrestle-you-should-look-the-part/. Cheap plug aside, E locks in a rear chinlock. Chavo fights out, but E clubs him down. He looks for the implant DDT, but Chavo counters into a back body drop. Hernandez tags in and hits the slingshot shoulder before doing the standard hot tag stuff. Standing backbreaker drop gets 2 as T breaks up the pin. T clubs away, but Chavo nails him with a dropkick, followed by Hernandez sending him to the floor with a clothesline. Hernandez catapults E into the corner, and E nearly hangs himself on the landing. Hernandez follows up with the Pounce, and Chavo tags in for the frog splash and the 3.
WINNERS: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez. As they celebrate, Joey Ryan interrupts the festivities. He says it’s 3 days until he and Morgan are champions. As he says this, Morgan hits the ring and takes out the champs. Ryan grabs a belt and says that when you deal with Big Morgan and “The Big Organ”, size matters, especially when you’re the World Tag Team Champions.
We’re in one of the offices somewhere in the building, as Aces and Eights are enjoying the 3rd-rate strippers from earlier. The blonde one tells Devon she wants to play. He says he might let her wear the belt. He tells DOC to cheer up. He’s got his belt, and DOC has Kurt Angle. Things are going their way. BTW, their theme song is playing the entire time. Just pointing that out. Devon says it’s time to go to the dartboard, but Black Scorpion says that isn’t necessary, as they’ve already got a hit out. He fans out a bunch of cash and says that money talks and bullsh*t (uncensored on the show) walks, and they’ll be doing a whole lot of talking.
Kurt Angle is in the back with Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, congratulating Wes. Wes says he’s got Angle’s back. Angle tells Garett he’s proud of him, too. He has DOC tonight and doesn’t know why A and E is coming after him, but they’ve got the wrong guy. Wes and Garett say they’ve got his back tonight, no problem.
Chavo And Hernandez tell Ryan and Morgan they’ve got their attention. Now, they’re looking them right in the face. As Chavo says this, Morgan and Ryan’s faces are nowhere to be seen, and he’s pointing at his chest. Makes sense. This Sunday, they’re not going to “jump you from behind like you guys”. They’re going to knock them down and step on their faces, while looking them in the eyes. You want a fight? You got it. Man, Chavo sucks. How could someone from the Guerrero family be so terrible at everything?
MATCH 3: Kurt Angle vs. DOC
Angle attacks before the bell, and kicks away at DOC in the corner. Angle starts working over the left leg. Angle hits a leg scissors stomp, then chops the knee out. DOC comes back with a standing clothesline, then stomps Angle down. I swear the crowd is chanting “F*ck that b*tch” right now. Not sure why, but I’m almost positive that’s what they’re saying. DOC begins stomping on Angle’s right leg, and now we get a “USA!” chant, despite both guys being natives to the country. DOC and Angle botch a spot in the ropes, and DOC manages to clothesline Angle to the floor. Outside, DOC nails an uppercut before whipping Angle into the steps. Back in, Angle counters a corner charge and mounts the middle rope, hitting a dropkick. Angle ducks a clothesline and hits the Murder-Suicide. DOC blocks the Angle Slam, and nails a big boot for 2. Angle manages to come back with the ankle lock, but DOC kicks him off. Angle rebounds and goes for a second Murder-Suicide. DOC hangs onto the ropes to block the third suplex, and while the referee is telling Angle to break the hold, DOC low-blows him. He nails a running clothesline, but only gets 2. Angle reverses a chokeslam into a victory roll, and turns it into an ankle lock. DOC rolls through and hits the chokeslam for 2. Angle blocks a corner charge and hits the Angle Slam. The straps come down, and the ankle lock is applied. Big Guy, Devon and Black Scorpion hit the ring to break the hold, causing the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Kurt Angle. As Angle is surrounded, Wes, Garett and Samoa Joe hit the ring, chasing A and E off. Angle tells them they like to run in packs. He’s got one of his own now. It’ll be the four of them vs. any four members of A and E at Final Resolution.
Hulk Hogan is in his office, on his phone with Joe Abyss. He tells Joe to call Al Snow and go to OVW. If he can get through OVW, he will be comfortable with talking to Joe about being a wrestler. Bully Ray storms into the office and tells Hogan he asked for a match against Austin Aries last week. Hogan decided it was a better idea to give the match to RVD. Today, Ray is telling Hogan he wants the match right now. Hogan is laughing at him. Hogan makes some joke about himself and Andre the Giant. He says a lot of people do a lot of big things, so for the very big picture, the answer is no. Ray says that, by the end of the night, he bets the answer is yes. He’s taking over the show.
James Storm is with Jeff Hardy, and says he has his back tonight. On the other side, there’s Bobby Roode, a guy who will do anything to win the belt. He knew what buttons to push 3 weeks ago, and he doesn’t want Hardy to fall into the same trap he did. Cue Jeff Hardy inner monologue promo. God, this is bad. This is crap that would be bad on an indy show.
MATCH 4-3-Way match to determine a new #1 contender for the X-Division title: Kenny King vs. Kid Kash vs. Zema Ion
All three guys get the jobber non-entrance tonight. Nice. Kash fires off punches against both the other two. Ion and King respond with dropkicks, followed by a double dropkick, sending Kash to the floor. King rolls Ion up for 2. They trade hammerlocks until King spins out and hits a back elbow. Ion hits one of his own in the ropes. King comes back with a jumping roundhouse. Ion hits a knee and goes into the ropes, where Kash trips him up and drags him to the floor. King catches Kash coming in with a knee lift, then hits a kick to the head, knocking Kash back to the floor. King looks for a suicide dive, but Ion gets back in the ring and drops him with a clothesline for 2. Kash back in, and he knocks Ion into the middle rope for a choke and some crossface punches. King hits a pair of clotheslines on Kash, followed by a bodyslam and a springboard legdrop for 2. Ion attacks King from behind. He sends King into the corner, but King blocks him with a boot. Ion ducks a clothesline and goes for a backslide, but King reverses into a sunset flip. Ion rolls through and runs right into a high cradle suplex for 2, that Kash breaks up. Kash hits a chop and a boot on King, ducks a clothesline and stops himself at the ropes, hitting a slingshot hurricanrana on Ion, who is on the floor. King comes off the top with a springboard double clothesline. Ion rolls in first and hits a somersault plancha to the floor. He throws King back in and goes up top, but King crotches him. He goes for an inverted superplex, but Kash comes in and gets King in a powerbomb, pulling both men down. He pins King for 2, then turns it into a Boston crab. Ion sends Kash into the middle buckle from behind, breaking the hold. King hits Ion with an inverted atomic drop and a spinning Ghetto Blaster for 2. Kash breaks it up and hits a chop. He takes King to the floor with a hurricanrana over the top rope and lands on the apron. Kash hits a springboard clothesline on Ion for 2. Kash goes to the middle rope and looks for the springboard moonsault, but Ion pushes him to the floor. King comes in the ring with a springboard somersault plancha, and hits the Royal Flush on Ion for the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Kenny King.
Bully Ray is on the phone, telling someone he’s pissed off about Hogan being stubborn. He’s going to the ring and taking over the show, and he’s getting what he wants.
We get the same 1.1.13 vignette from earlier tonight.
Bully Ray makes his way out, chair in hand. He throws the chair into the ring before getting in himself. Ray sets the chair up and says he’s not going anywhere until he gets his way and what he wants. Hulk, he doesn’t understand something. He wants to fight Austin Aries, and Austin Aries wants to fight him. But most of all, Hulk, all of these people want to see them fight each other. So, he’s sitting down, and he’s not going anywhere until he gets what he wants. Austin Aries comes out, asking if he’s supposed to believe this. Does he look like a sucker? He’s supposed to believe Ray wants to fight him? Last time they fought, Aries dropped him on his head and made him submit. Ray has to pretend, because that’s what a man does for the woman he loves. Ray dares him to get in the ring right now. Aries doesn’t do what the people want, he does what he wants. He’s going to sit on the ramp and berate Ray all night and take over the show himself.
Hulk makes his way out, limping down to the ring. He says he’s going to fix all the business right now. For 30 years, he’s been nothing but business in this ring, and he’s telling both guys he’s not making the match. No one is pushing him around because he’s the GM, and Ray either gets out of the chair and out of the ring, or Hulk will fires his ass or kick it right now. Yeah. Ray gets in Hulk’s face, and Aries is outside, egging them on. Brooke skanks her way out and tries to separate them. She tells “daddy” to stop. Maybe Mark…maybe Bully is right. Maybe Hulk is making this too personal. Hulk asks if she just called him Mark. Hulk asks both Aries and Ray if they want the match. All three have made this personal, and now Ray/Aries is on. Man, Brooke was integral to this segment.
The main event is up next.
MATCH 5: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) and Bobby Roode vs. World Champion Jeff Hardy, James Storm and AJ Styles
Bad Influence are wearing 80s muscle shirts, Zubaz and fanny packs in the front for some reason. Storm and Kaz start the match. Kaz backs Storm into the corner with a tie-up. Storm shoves him down, then knocks Daniels off the apron. Storm hits a Thesz Press on Kaz, a jumping corner clothesline, and a flying forearm. Hardy tags in, and they hit a double back elbow. Kaz backs Hardy into the corner and tags in Daniels, who gets taken out with a headscissors and a reverse enziguri. Hardy tags in AJ, and Daniels tags in Kaz before contact can be made. AJ hits a spinning headscissors, followed by corner chops. Hardy tags in, whips AJ into Kaz in the corner, and the faces hit Poetry in Motion. Hardy hits a standing splash for 2. Commercials.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, James Storm and AJ Styles. Hardy celebrates as Storm and AJ continue to argue while exiting the ring. As Hardy is left alone, Black Scorpion, Big Guy, Brian Pillman, DOC and Devon hit the ring and beat him down. Storm returns to the ring, chasing them off with a chair. Meanwhile, Roode is standing on the apron, applauding A and E. He makes the “money” signal before saying, “It pays to be Roode”, indicating he was the financial backer A and E were referring to earlier tonight.
End of show.
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