This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling opens up with Bobby Roode, who came up short in his bid for the World title at Final Resolution, thanks in part to his deal with Aces and Eights going south.
Taz can stop calling himself “The Human Suplex Machine” now, considering he hasn’t thrown one in nearly a decade.
Next week is Championship Thursday, and the title that will be on the line will be the Knockouts Championship. We cut to Velvet Sky, who is under consideration for the title match. She says it was great to return last week. She was like a kid on Christmas. She’s been out for six months, and she’s more determined than ever. She will be more focused than ever, and then rambles about pigeons in her vagina.
MATCH 1: Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
Well, this should be a workrate dream. Rayne starts screeching at Sky before the bell rings, then forearms her from behind. Sky counters by throwing her to the corners, then hits a DEVASTATING slap to the ass. Snapmare and a seated dropkick gets 2. Rayne counters In Yo Face with a short-arm clothesline. Rayne does the hair stomp a couple times, then chokes Sky over the middle rope. Rayne hits a version of the Edge-O-Matic, then hits the Taco Twister for 2, followed by another 2. Sky kicks her in the face, hits a couple chops, and a couple facebreakers. Sky hits a couple clotheslines and a back elbow, then a sloppy bulldog. In Yo Face connects, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Velvet Sky. Sky might look good, but she sucks something awful in the ring.
Kurt Angle is in the back with the Wonder Twins. He says he’ll be in their corner, but they’re still on their own. This turns into a 5-Hour Energy commercial. No, really.
We see Bad Influence in the back, asking if they had anything to do with the A and E payoff. Kaz says Roode is a friend of theirs, and they wouldn’t do that. Daniels says his focus on Sunday was beating AJ Styles, and he didn’t need anyone’s help. Kaz says AJ is the guy to ask, because he has nothing to lose.
MATCH 2: The Robbies (E and T) vs. The Wonder Twins (Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco, w/Kurt Angle)
The Robbies attack from behind before the bell, and T hits a powerslam on Wes. E tags in and fires off some rights before using a foot choke. Wes fights back, but E trips him. The Robbies fake a tag, and T locks in a bearhug. Wes fights out, but T catches him trying to go for the tag and rams him back to the heel corner. E tags in, hits a bodyslam, then goes to the middle rope. Wes attempts to block him with a foot, but E catches him, throws the leg down, and then misses an elbow drop. Garett makes the luke warm tag and hits an avalanche in the corner. He hits a flapjack before T yanks him down by the hair. T tags in, and Wes makes the blind tag off the ropes. Garett clotheslines E to the floor, and Wes goes up top and hits a cross-body for 3.
WINNERS: The Wonder Twins. As they’re celebrating, Big comes in and clips Angle’s knee with a pipe.
The doctor is checking on Angle’s knee in the back. There’s apparently swelling, but no ligament damage.
We get a video of Joe Abyss pretending to learn how to wrestle at OVW. We get a cameo from “Nightmare” Danny Davis as he meets with Joe to learn to wrestle.
We’re now in Brooke Hogan’s office when Tara and Jesse enter the office. Jesse is facing Bully Ray tonight, and Tara doesn’t want any hard feelings, regardless of the outcome tonight. Tara is also here to pick out an opponent for her next week. Brooke says she’ll find out her opponent next Thursday like everyone else.
We get another vignette like last week, except the message is different. This time, it says, “Vengeance will have a name. He will descend upon them like a plague. And they will fear him. 1.3.13” Last week, it was discussing “they”. This week, it’s “he”. Make up your minds, TNA.
Kenny King talks about how facing RVD was a dream match for him, but he came up short. He learns more from his losses than wins. Tonight, it’s about what he learned. RVD may still be champion after tonight, but King will knock him square on his ass.
MATCH 3: James Storm and World Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Big Guy and DOC
If I’m not mistaken, Big Guy is the former Mike Knox. DOC and Storm start the match, trading blows. Storm gets the advantage with corner punches, then takes him down with a clothesline. Hardy tags in and hits a double axe handle from the middle rope. Guy tags in and Hardy hits some rights. Hardy hits a headscissors out of the corner, sending Guy to the floor. Hardy dropkicks him through the ropes, then hits a double apron clothesline on the heels outside. Commercials.
We’re back, and DOC is now legal for his team. Guy clotheslines Hardy from the apron, and DOC boots him to the floor. Guy stomps Hardy on the floor, and Storm interjects himself. The referee sends Storm back to his corner as Guy rolls Hardy back in the ring. DOC nails an uppercut, then hits some body blows. Guy tags in and steps on Hardy’s face. Guy rams him into the corner, then fires off some rights. DOC back in now, and he kicks Hardy in the gut, and follows up with a foot choke. Guy back in, and he drops an elbow for 2 before locking in a front chancery. Hardy breaks the hold with a sit-out jawbreaker, but Guy recovers quickly and tags DOC back in. DOC hits a big boot before stomping Hardy down. He drops an elbow across the back before applying a side headlock. Hardy fights out with elbows and begins to crawl to his corner. DOC nails Storm with an uppercut, then drags Hardy back to his own corner to tag in Guy. Guy grinds Hardy’s face into the mat for 2, then drops some knees onto the chest. He launches Hardy to the floor, and DOC drops down off the apron. As DOC sends Hardy into the guardrail, I have to go back a few minutes and recall something Taz said. He said the guys in A and E were extremely athletic, especially Big Guy. So far, in the few matches he’s had, Big Guy has done nothing but punches, kicks, elbows and knees. Now, if this really is Mike Knox, I will agree that there is some athleticism there. However, regardless of his real identity, he has done absolutely nothing since being in TNA to indicate he has any athletic ability. Just when I thought Taz couldn’t be any less credible…Anyway, DOC hurls Hardy back into the ring, where Guy gets 2. DOC back in, and he hits a jumping splash off the ropes for another 2 that Storm breaks up. DOC applies a rear chinlock. Hardy tries to fight out, so DOC sends him into the corner, where Hardy hits a back elbow, followed by Botch in the Wind. DOC stops a tag with a stomp to the back, and now Guy tags back in. He kicks Hardy in the back. Hardy tries to slide under his legs for a tag, but Guy catches his foot. Hardy hits a reverse enziguri and makes the hot tag to Storm. Storm knocks DOC off the apron and hits a kick to the back of the head on Guy, then hits a cross-body off the top for 2. Hardy back in, and the faces hit Poetry in Motion. Double suplex for DOC, and Big Guy #2 & Black Scorpion hit the ring. The faces fight them off, and that’s when Devon comes in with a bat. Storm ducks a swing and hits Closing Time before Hardy clotheslines Devon to the floor. DOC gets nailed with the Last Call, and Guy takes the Twist of Fate for 3.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. The gang hit the ring as Hardy and Storm leave. Devon tells them the club doesn’t fight other people’s business. You want to know who paid them off? That guy is Austin Aries.
Hulk Hogan is in the back, angry about what he just heard in regards to Aries. Roode walks up and is screaming as well. Hogan gets Aries on the phone, and he wants Aries to come clean on what’s going on by the end of the night, or there will be hell to pay. He hangs up and tells Roode he hasn’t decided to what to do with Roode yet.
AJ Styles makes his way into the Impact Zone to address his loss to Christopher Daniels at FR. AJ says he demanded this time to come out here and address the fans. He doesn’t have to tell us where he’s been, how long he’s been there, what’s going on with him, or where he’s going. A nonsensical “You still got it!” chant breaks out. Sorry, Impact Zone asshats, but you only chant that at someone who is either a) old, or b) comes out of retirement. AJ Styles doesn’t fall into either of those categories. Anyway, AJ says he’s not going anywhere, so don’t worry about that. The truth is, he doesn’t know where he’s going at this point. He has no idea what the next step is. He’s spent so much time being a corporate guy and trying to take care of everyone else that he’s forgotten about taking care of himself. Basically, he’s out here to tell us this: This has nothing to do with us. This has nothing to do with the Impact Zone. This has nothing to do with Dixie Carter. He takes off his generic TNA shirt and says this has nothing to do with Impact Wrestling. This has everything to do with AJ Styles. He’s sick and tired of being the corporate janitor and cleaning up every TNA mess. He’s tired of always doing the right thing. From now on, he’s going to be doing his own thing. AJ drops the mic and leaves.
We see Dixie Carter pacing in the back. She stops AJ Styles and asks who he is. AJ simply hands her the shirt he took off earlier and keeps walking. Segue to Bad Influence watching this on a monitor elsewhere. They call AJ leaving tremendous, and Daniels sings and dances. He says this is like Christmas. Kaz says no, but it will, because he’s got something even better for Daniels later tonight.
MATCH 4: Kenny King vs. World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam (non-title)
Lock-up to start, and King goes into a side headlock. RVD counters into a hammerlock before they trade a couple quick holds and end in a stalemate. RVD blocks a kick and hits a roundhouse. RVD taunts the crowd, so King hits him with a knee to the back off the top rope, sending him to the floor. King hits a corkscrew plancha on RVD before sending him back into the ring for 2. King hits a snap suplex and floats over into some mounted punches. He sends RVD into the corner and hits a jumping hip bump, going over the ropes and landing on the floor. Back in, King gets another 2. King fires off some rights and sends RVD into the corner once more, but RVD counters the charge with a spinning heel kick. RVD hits another in the corner, then follows up with a springboard legdrop for 2. King goes for a kick, but RVD blocks it and spins King around. King continues to spin and nails a kick to the head. Think Shelton Benjamin’s Dragon Whip, but in the opposite direction. King hotshots RVD over the top rope, then hits a springboard blockbuster for 2. King sends RVD into the corner and charges, but RVD sidesteps him, causing King to go sternum-first into the buckles. I guess he never read the part in Bret Hart’s book where he said coming up with that spot was one of the worst ideas he’s ever had. RVD hits a front powerslam, but misses the split-legged moonsault. King goes for a DDT, and RVD counters into a northern lights suplex for 2. King misses a jumping roundhouse, and RVD comes back with the step-over spinning heel kick. RVD hits a spinning legdrop, then goes up for the Five-Star. King cuts him off and goes up, but RVD shoves him off. King backflips in mid-air and lands on his feet as RVD hits a cross-body. King rolls through and hooks his foot on the ropes, getting the 3.
WINNER: Kenny King.
Bully Ray walks into Hogan’s office as Hogan’s on the phone. Ray wants to know if Hogan has a different opinion after FR. Hogan says Ray has a huge problem, and isn’t man enough to talk to Hogan about his daughter. His personal BS with Brooke has turned into Hogan’s business. Brooke wouldn’t have been in harms way in Ray’s match with Aries this past Sunday if Ray wasn’t sneaking around, coming in through the back door (I don’t want to know…). As far as Ray and Hogan are concerned, Hogan hasn’t changed his mind one bit about his feelings towards Ray, as well as the situation. Ray screams that he doesn’t have anything going on with Brooke, and maybe Brooke is the one starting all of this. Hogan says that could be possible. Ray says that, when they were on the couch together, she was apologizing to Ray for her dad treating him like sh*t. Hogan says that, if he is wrong, there is no reason for Ray to talk to her again, and maybe it’s his fault that Brooke ran down to ringside and almost got her teeth kicked in on Sunday. Ray says that all he was trying to do was shut Aries up and show respect for Brooke. He should be on Team Hogan for standing up for Brooke and standing with Sting. He’s bled to earn Hogan’s respect. What’s it going to take, Terry? He’s had respect for Hogan since day one. What Brooke does is her business. She’s a grown woman. Get over it.
Up next, Bully Ray vs. Jesse.
MATCH 5: Jesse (w/Knockouts Champion Tara) vs. Bully Ray
Anyone who wears their sunglasses on the back of their head, or clipped to the back of their shirt collar is someone I hate by default. Ray immediately knocks Jesse down with a double axe handle to the face, followed by a forearm to the back. More forearms, followed by a clothesline. Ray shoulders Jesse off the ropes and fires off some rights. Jesse comes back with an uppercut, but Ray no-sells some chops. Jesse goes into the ropes and runs right into a big boot. Ray hits a loud open-hand chop in the corner, then hits another in the adjacent corner. Tara gets in the ring to stop a third chop, so Ray smacks her on the ass, sending her to the floor. Jesse drops Ray with a double axe handle to the back, followed by some stomps. Jesse hits a crossface punch, then hits a forearm to the face. Jesse hits a dropkick then poses. Ray hits an open-hand chop to the chest from his knees, but Jesse comes back with a clothesline. He hits some more forearms, then foot chokes Ray in the corner. Jesse follows up with a back elbow, and Tara chokes Ray behind the ref’s back. Another dropkick by Jesse, but he misses a jumping legdrop. Ray pops up and hits the Bully Cutter and gets the 3.
WINNER: Bully Ray. Ray’s head wound from Sunday night has been re-opened, and he’s bleeding down his face.
Austin Aries tells AI to back off. AI will have to wait for the information until Aries gets in the ring and tells the world…right now.
Same vignette from earlier airs.
Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he limps down to the ring. He says this is about him and what he has. Aries wanted the title so bad he hired a motorcycle gang to help him. Talk about pathetic. All Aries had to do was ask like a man. Aries says that isn’t true. He has to jump through hoops in this place to get what he wants. Hardy reminds Aries that next week is Championship Thursday, and he proposes Austin/Hardy III for the title. Aries won’t do it in front of Hardy’s fans. As much as they would love to see that match, the problem is he doesn’t do what the fans want, or what Hardy wants on his time. Aries does what he wants, when he wants. Hardy says he always gives the fans what they want before decking Aries. Aries takes him down with some punches, and the two just brawl in the ring. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Hardy counters with a Twist of Fate. He goes for the swanton bomb, but Aries rolls to the floor first.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
-DustinAces & Eights, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Dixie Carter, Garett Bischoff, hulk hogan, Impact Wrestling, James Storm, jeff hardy, Jesse Godderz, Kenny King, Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam, Robbie E, Robbie T, TNA Final Resolution 2012, TNA Wrestling, Wes Brisco