This week is the “go home” episode of SmackDown, as Elimination Chamber takes place this weekend. I gotta be honest-this year’s installment looks pretty weak. Last year was a great show, but this one just has me saying, “Meh”.
We’re in Little Rock, AR tonight, and the show opens up with the #1 contender for the World title, The Big Show. We see a replay of what happened to him last week, and he doesn’t find it funny. He hopes we are happy. Because of those actions, three innocent people on RAW suffered his wrath. Alberto Del Rio has never pinned Show. ADR doesn’t have what it takes to pin Show. He will never pin Show. The rage Show has inside right now will unload at EC. He’s going to ball that rage up nice and tight, and when he lets it fly, ADR’s fiesta will turn into a siesta.
Chris Jericho makes his way down to the ring, returning to SD for the first time in quite a while. Jericho says he’s known Show for 16 years. He can read him like a book and knows what he’s feeling right now. Show says that, if Jericho knows him like he says, Jericho needs to be as far away as possible. Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be on tour with Fozzy or writing a book? Shouldn’t you be hosting a robot fighting show? Stay away. Jericho says he’s back in WWE, and he feels better than ever, and everyone knows it to be true. But, he can read Show like a book, and knows he’s angry and maybe a little doubtful. They’ve been tag champs. He knows how dangerous Show is, and he’s the biggest force in this company. However, Jericho is a 6-time champion. He has been in more Chamber matches than anyone. This Sunday, he’s in another one. If and when he wins the Chamber and if and when Show wins the title, it’s Jericho/Show at Wrestlemania. If that happens, Jericho will beat him for the title, and that’s a fact Show can never…EEEEEVVVVVEEEERRR…forget again. Show says they’ve been through a lot together. If Jericho wins at EC and Show wins the title, it’ll be the last ‘Mania appearance of Jericho’s career. Get out of his face before he hurts you so bad you can’t make it to EC.
SD General Manager Booker T comes out to the stage, and he sees where this is going. He likes it, so since we don’t know if that ‘Mania match will happen, let’s make it happen tonight. Tonight, the main event will be The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho. Now can you dig that, sucka?
Randy Orton gets stopped by Matt Striker in the back. Striker asks about facing Mark Henry tonight. Orton starts to answer, but just stares. The camera pans over to show Henry standing there. They stare each other down as Henry’s music hits. Henry leaves.
The Rock is in the building tonight.
MATCH 1: Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton
Mark Henry hitting the World’s Strongest Slam on Hornswoggle is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Right up there with Bender steering the Planet Express ship with his ass. Henry backs Orton into the corner with a lock-up, giving a clean break. Another lock-up, and Henry throws him to the corner. Orton fires off some rights before sending him face-first into the middle buckle. Henry rolls to the floor, and Orton follows, knocking Henry down. Back in the ring, Henry drops Orton with a headbutt. He beats Orton down in the corner, then throws him across the ring. Orton recovers and knocks Henry down, following up with a dropkick. Mounted punches in the corner by Orton, but Henry throws him to the floor. Commercials.
We’re back, and Henry has a trapezius claw applied. Henry clubs him down before hitting a running powerslam for 2. He punches Orton in the back of the head before going back to the trapezius claw. Orton fights out, so Henry throws him to the corner. Orton blocks an avalanche, then tries a clothesline. A second one knocks Henry off his feet. Orton ducks one by Henry, but Henry ducks another attempt by Orton before connecting with one. Orton escapes a WSS and hits a snap DDT for 2. Henry rolls to the apron, where Orton connects with a suspended DDT. Orton calls for the RKO, but Henry shoves him off and forearms him in the face, knocking Orton to the floor. Orton tries for an RKO outside, but Henry shoves him off once more. He goes for the WSS again, but Orton slides out over the barricade. Orton hits a gut shot on Henry with a chair, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mark Henry. Orton rolls into the ring behind Henry and cracks him over the back with the chair. He goes for a chairshot to the face, but Henry grabs the chair, swings Orton into the ropes with it and nails him with the World’s Strongest Slam.
We see Henry in the back after the commercials. He grabs a mic out of Striker’s hand and says he’s been at home for 9 months, frustrated about his return. Well, it’s official-the Hall of Pain is open for business, and it’s been getting full as of late. You see what happened to Orton. They’re going to lock five stars in a steel cage with him. He suggests law enforcement is handy, as well as the national guard, the army, the marines and the navy, because they’re going to need it. Nobody, and he means nobody, is stopping his road to Wrestlemania.
Before Tamina is introduced for the next match, we’re “treated” to another Fandango vignette. This time, he’s dancing with a woman, and pronounces his name FAHN-DAHN-GOO. A fancy new gimmick is not going to help Johnny Curtis at all. You know, Pepper, you can’t polish a turd.
MATCH 2: Layla vs. Tamina Snuka
Snuka backs Layla into the ropes with a lock-up, then shoves her. Another lock-up, and Layla goes into a waistlock. Snuka elbows out and goes for a hip toss, but Layla counters into a roll-up for 1. Jackknife by Layla for 2. Springboard cross-body for 2. Layla bumps her ass in Snuka’s face, knocking her to the floor. Layla tries a dropkick from the apron, but Snuka moves and trips Layla, sending her crashing to the apron and to the floor between the ring and the skirt. Back in, Snuka stomps Layla for 2. A rear chinlock is applied by Snuka. Layla fights out, so Snuka whips her down by the hair. Snuka goes back to the rear chinlock, and we see Kaitlyn watching from the back. Layla fights out once more, so Snuka knees her in the gut and whips her into the buckles. Snuka misses a charge, and Layla schoolgirls her for 2. Layla hits a few kick, misses a crescent kick but connects with a savate kick. She goes for a cross-body, but Snuka catches her and throws her into a Samoan drop. Up top, Snuka connects with the Superfly Splash for 3.
WINNER: Tamina Snuka. While her splash isn’t the most graceful, she definitely gets some height.
The Rock makes his way out, and he wants to make something clear to CM Punk: Punk, this past Monday, you ran off with the title, but that doesn’t make you champion. You only made a trade, and that trade is holding onto the Rock’s belt for 6 days in exchange for an ass-kicking that will haunt you forever. Punk, you can hear the people, because what happens on Sunday is Rock will make you suffer. The people want it, and they want you to be treated like the spoiled little boy you are. You lose your toy, so you run your mouth and try to steal it back, keep a “yes man” like Heyman around…Rock isn’t a spoiled boy; he’s a man. It took Rock 10 years to win the belt back, and it will take him one night to make sure Punk never touches it again.
We see Punk and Heyman on the TitanTron. Punk says this isn’t a belt; this is a title, and it belongs to the best in the world. Everyone saw at the Royal Rumble when Rock committed grand larceny. Now he’s here, throwing a fit. He complains about Punk throwing a fit, but he’s doing the same thing. He’s angry, and that fits into Punk’s plan. He wants a beating from Rock. He wants him to get DQ’ed, because that means he wins at EC. He beat Rock 1-2-3 at the Rumble, and just to change things up, he’s going to let Rock beat himself. If Rock gets DQ’ed or counted out, Punk wins. The People’s Era will be a blip on the radar. After this Sunday, Punk will still be champion. Rock says Punk talks a big game about what he’ll do. These days, Punk’s words are worthless. He said he’d stop Rock at the Rumble, and he didn’t. Rock promised he’d be champion, and he held up his promise. Even after The Shield was paid off, at the end of the night at the Rumble, Punk got beat. Here’s what Punk should do: He should think about what will happen Monday. Punk will wake up and realize he failed. This Sunday, Punk is a spoiled little boy, and he’s facing the Rock, a steamroller of a man. Rock will beat Punk this Sunday and go onto ‘Mania as champion, and everyone knows it, including Punk…if you smell what The Rock is cooking.
MATCH 3: Jinder Mahal and Heath Slater (w/Drew McIntyre) vs. Brodus Clay and Tensai (w/The Funkadactyls)
Tensai and Slater start the match. After a mini dance-off, Slater boots Tensai in the gut and goes for an Irish whip. Tensai counters and hits an uppercut. Slater comes back with a jump kick and tags in Mahal, who stomps Tensai down. Mahal hits a running knee for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Tensai fights out and botches a Sidewinder after catching Mahal off the ropes. Clay tags in and clotheslines Mahal. Exploder suplex connects, and he drops an incoming Slater with a headbutt to the chest. The faces hit a pair of avalanches and Tesnai hits a Derailer on Mahal. Clay follows up with Ah, Funk It for the 3.
WINNERS: Brodus Clay and Tensai. After the match, The Shield’s music hits, and they come down through the crowd. The faces try to fight them off, but The Shield is too much for them. Tensai gets hurled into the steps on the outside, and now they are triple-teaming Clay in the ring. They beat Clay down before hitting the triple powerbomb. Dean Ambrose grabs a mic and he tells the crowd this Sunday won’t look any different. John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback, you will learn the hard way that your actions have consequences. This Sunday, you will be put on trial, sentenced, and you will believe in The Shield. Nothing against Rollins or Reigns, but they should just let Ambrose do all of the talking for them, all the time.
Another vignette for Tobey Maguire-er, I mean Fandango.
MATCH 4: Cody Rhodes vs. The Miz
Miz’s taped up thanks to Antonio Cesaro beating his ass this past Monday. Miz starts with a waistlock, and Rhodes fights out before Miz slaps him. Miz applies a hammerlock, and Rhodes counters into a side headlock. Crisscross ends in a Miz back elbow. Rhodes blocks a corner charge and goes to the middle rope, but Miz yanks him back down. Rhodes boots him in the bad shoulder and hits a hammerlock slam for 2. Rhodes begins working over the bad arm and shoulder, then beats him down against the ropes. Rhodes applies a top wristlock, but Miz eventually armdrags him off. Miz hits a couple clotheslines and goes for the Reality Check, but Rhodes shoves him into the buckles. Miz blocks a charge and goes for a spear, but Rhodes counters into a sunset flip. Miz rolls through and goes for a boot. Rhodes ducks and schoolboys him for 2. Rhodes arm whips Miz back down and goes for the Beautiful Disaster, but Miz catches him and goes for the figure-4. He gets it applied, and Rhodes taps.
WINNER: The Miz.
MATCH 5: Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Coulter)
I do not understand pulling Dutch Mantell out of the mothballs. Again. It’s fine that Swagger now has a mouthpiece other than Vickie Guerrero, but is Dutch really the best they could do? Harvey Whippleman wasn’t available? Swagger tackles Ryder, then forearms him in the back. Ryder comes back with some forearms to the face. He tries to block a corner charge with the knees, but Swagger catches him and whips him down. Swagger hits some kneelifts in the corner, then sends Ryder hard into the opposite buckles. Ryder ducks a clothesline and hits a flapjack. He beats Swagger down in the corner and calls for the Broski Boot, but misses. Swagger grabs the leg and whips it around the ringpost. Back in the ring, Swagger chopblocks Ryder’s bad leg before connecting with the falling Doctor Bomb and applying the Patriot Act for the tapout.
WINNER: Jack Swagger. Swagger grabs a mic and introduces his great friend. This man is a native and a great American. This man is Zeb Coulter. Zeb takes the mic and says that in the Declaration of Independence, all men are created equal, but it’s the choices that define you. Do you end up being a great patriot like him and Swagger, or a real American like they are? Or, do the choice you make resemble a clown like Zack Ryder, who cares more for his hair and tan than the country he lives in? You people are not blind, but you refuse to see. Their eyes are wide open. This country is broken, and they know how to fix it. Swagger is a great man, a great patriot and a real American. He knows how to fix the problem, and it starts right here. Remember: We the people. Zeb Coulter is officially the favorite wrestling performer of Fox News.
Matt Striker is backstage with Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez. He reminds ADR that Show said he’s never pinned Show. ADR says they won’t answer that question. Ricardo, is he the champion? Si. Did he beat Show twice? Si. Did he look like a giant punk last week? Si. Show was right, though. He’s never pinned Show. However, he loves to do the impossible. Will he pin Show on Sunday and retain his title? Si! Si! Si!
MATCH 6: The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho
Show immediately backs Jericho to the corner, and Jericho reverses things before landing a few punches. Show shoulders him down off the ropes, then headbutts him, sending him to the floor. Show follows out and hits an open-hand chop against the announce desk. Back in the ring, Jericho hits a springboard dropkick, sending Show back down to the floor. Jericho hits a baseball slide, then heads out himself. Show grabs him and throws him over the announce desk. Back in, Show headbutts Jericho down to the mat. Open-hand chop against the ropes follows, as does another headbutt. Jericho tries to fight back, but Show stops that with a bodyslam. Show drags Jericho to the corner, where he goes up top. Jericho cuts him off, and Show shoves him away before hopping back down. Jericho goes up top now, and Show grabs him by the throat. Jericho hotshots the arm, then dropkicks Show in the knee before booting him in the face. Show comes back with a spear, getting 2. He calls for the chokeslam, but Jericho breaks the goozle before going up top once more. However, he jumps off right into a chokeslam. Jericho rolls to the floor, and Show seems content on a count-out for a moment. He finally rolls to the outside, where he tosses Jericho back in the ring. He mounts the middle rope, but Jericho avoids a big elbow. Lionsault connects for 2. He goes for the Codebreaker, but Show holds on. Jericho slides out into a sunset flip, and Show picks him up for a tree slam. Jericho counters with a DDT, getting 2. Jericho hits a seated dropkick to the side of the head, then tries to apply the Walls. Show eventually boots him off, and as Jericho gets back up, he walks right into a WMD for the 3.
WINNER: The Big Show. We see ADR and Ricardo staring at Show from the stage.
End of show.
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WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013
WWE: Bret Hitman Hart – The Dungeon Collection
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