Welcome to the 5-10-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. I really need to find a new way to start these things, don’t I?

Show starts off with footage from last week, as Bobby Roode laid out Mr. Anderson, RVD and Jeff Hardy with a chair. This segues into the Impact Zone, where Bobby Roode is making his way down to the ring. This coming Sunday, Roode will defend the World Championship against RVD. If TNA is smart, Roode will retain the title and continue being one of the better champions they’ve had in a long time. Of course, this is TNA, so RVD will probably win. Roode asks if there’s anything more he can do to prove to the fans he’s the best champion in the history of the company, as well as the most dominant. Last week, not only did he defeat and embarrass Mr. Anderson, but he also took Mr. Anderson out. Not only that, but he took out Jeff Hardy. And, he took out RVD as well. One man, one athlete, one champion, taking out three men all at the same time. Sometimes, he amazes himself on how great of a champion he is. Speaking of great things, he has great news for everyone. In fourteen days, Bobby Roode goes down in history, as he will become the longest-reigning World Champion in the history of TNA. Longer than AJ, Hardy, Angle, Sting, no one has held the title longer than him (again, I can see RVD winning here, unfortunately). In three days, when RVD gets in the ring with the IT Factor of professional wrestling. If RVD thinks he’ll outwrestle Roode and take the belt, he’s sadly mistaken. There is absolutely no one and nothing that will stop his World title domination.

RVD decides it’s time to earn his paycheck for the week and comes down to chase Roode off. As RVD is standing in the ring with the belt, Mr. Anderson comes down from behind and attacks Roode like a coward. The faces then double-team Roode, and this leads to Jeff Hardy coming down for a triple-team. Hardy and Anderson then start fighting each other as referees and the Elite Beat Agents (Snow, D-Lo and Kenney) come down to break things up. Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and he stops at the stage. He says he likes what he’s seeing. By the looks of things, Hardy and Anderson both want a piece of Roode, as well as each other. RVD, are you sending Hogan a message you want a piece of Roode right now? That’s the way it looks. Hogan’s got a main event tonight that will “flip-flop” this whole company. He needs to talk to RVD about it, because if RVD agrees, Hogan will set up a fatal 4-way tonight where each person has both something to gain and lose. If Hardy or Anderson win, they take RVD’s spot at the PPV. If Roode wins, he can pick whoever he wants to face of the three at Sacrifice. If RVD agrees to the match and wins, he can make the PPV match feature any stipulation he wants. Is RVD willing to make the Sacrifice, brother? RVD nods in agreement, and now the PPV match that TNA has surprisingly been promoting for the last couple of weeks will potentially become typical TNA booking in that it gets changed at the last minute. Brother. Dude. Jack. Pythons.

We see Bully Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer in the back about Austin Aries. He makes fun of Aries for being 5’8”, and 175 lbs. “on a good day, soaking wet, with a brick in his pocket”, and he’s also been the biggest “thawn in my side in the six yeahs I been heah”. Love how Ray slips in and out of his accent. Austin Aries, last week, you made a lot of disparaging comments towards him. You want to make fun of him, talk down to him, raise your voice to him? He’s sick and tired of Aries bullying him around. He’s not going to let it happen anymore. The whole locker room is talking about Aries. He’s the real problem, and Ray isn’t going to stand for it any longer. He’s going to take care of this little problem. Watch what he’s about to do. He doesn’t push people around; he takes them down and puts them out. Stay tuned.

Later tonight, we will hear from James Storm for the very first time in a couple weeks. Also, the final confrontation between Crimson and Matt Morgan. Up next, it’s Workrate vs. Anonymous Brooke.

In the ladies’ locker room area, we see Gail Kim and Madison Rayne talking. Kim is talking about how Tessy has been lucky lately, but she can’t beat Kim when the title’s on the line. Rayne asks her what she thinks of Rayne’s shirt. “It’s fine. It’s shiny.” Everyone talks about how beautiful Tessy is and how great her body is; she’s Photoshopped. Kim doesn’t need all of that. Rayne asks her about her underwear for the evening. Kim says they’re fine before asking what’s up with Rayne. Rayne says it’s a guy, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Kim leaves to watch the next match.

MATCH 1: Velvet Sky vs. Brooke Tessmacher
I really hate the way TNA does the WCW thing where they briefly film the wrestler coming out before zooming in the big screen or company logo. Tie-up to start, with Sky backing Brooke into the corner. Sky shakes her butt off the clean break. Brooke then does the same thing, jiggling her butt. Sky goes into a side headlock, and lands a shoulder off the ropes for 1. Arm wringer by Sky into a corner whip. Sky hits a running forearm in the corner and looks for a bulldog, but Brooke shoves her off into the opposite corner. Brooke runs in and lands a monkey flip, sending Sky into the other corner. Brooke goes up for mounted punches, and Sky shoves her off for 2. Sky does her stupid kick/chop combo, but runs into a Dropsh*t, sending her into the corner. Brooke does a hip bump, followed by a stinkface. Sky climbs back up and sidesteps a charge, landing a bulldog for 2. Sky sends Brooke into the corner, then kicks her in the gut a few times. Sky with her stupid knees to the face, followed by a snapmare and seated dropkick for 2. She goes to pick Brooke up, and Brooke snags her in a small package for 2. Sky sets up for In Yo Face, but Brooke backs her into the corner, breaking the hold. Brooke drop-toe holds her into the corner, then botches her finisher, which I am calling the Brooke Shield until she gives it a name. Brooke goes for the pin and gets the 3.

WINNER: Anonymous Brooke. Gail Kim runs into the ring and attacks from behind after the match. Kim nails Eat Defeat on Brooke before talking some trash.

Still to come, we apparently get footage of James Storm feeding horses and playing in dirt.

Up next, a match rivaling Ed “Strangler” Lewis vs. Lou Thesz as Crimson takes on Matt Morgan.

Anonymous Interviewer stops AJ Styles when he enters the building to ask obvious questions about Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. Styles says he has Kurt Angle in three days, and that’s who he’s focused on, and nothing else. As far as this secret goes, no comment.

Jeff Hardy is talking to AI #2. The Selfish Generation is coming to end, and thanks to the main event tonight, he gets a chance to be the one to end it.

MATCH 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
As Morgan makes his way out, he is attacked by Bully Ray from behind. Ray takes his chain out before kicking Morgan in the stomach. Ray then screams at Christy Hemme and SoCal Val before grabbing a chair. Morgan pulls himself up on the ring post, and Ray smacks the ring post, completely missing Morgan in every way possible. Morgan still sells it like he got hurt, though. He then turns to the camera and tells Austin Aries that will be him. Morgan has smeared some corn syrup on his head to make it look like he’s busted open. Either that, or he did a very, very obvious blade job, because Ray wasn’t even close to making contact. The Elite Beat Agents make their way out to try and stop this, but Ray yells at them.

WINNER: No contest. Morgan is pretending to twitch as the medics check on him. They’re missing their white masks and matching tights, though, which makes it totally obvious they’re fakes.

Back from the break, we see that Morgan was loaded on a stretcher when the cameras were off. Ray still hung around on the map, watching as Morgan was being wheeled away, still pretending to shake.

Crimson is still in the ring, saying what just happened was unfortunate. What else is unfortunate is that week after week, Morgan would continue to yell that he was going to be the man to end Crimson’s undefeated streak. Delusion is a scary thing, and he knows it (he should, since he thinks he’s a star). He’s feeling very gracious and benevolent tonight. How about the referee give Morgan another chance to come down here and fight tonight. Give him a count of ten, and let him try to answer the count. The referee rings the bell, so I guess this is officially a match now.

MATCH 2, Part 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
The referee counts down to 10, so Crimson wins by count-out.

WINNER: Crimson. By far, his best performance ever. Crimson says what happened was sad, but also predictable. He calls Morgan an underachiever and that his career is a disappointment. Can’t say I disagree with that part.

We get a video package for RVD, talking about how rough he had things and blah, blah, blah. I really don’t care.

Up next, Austin Aries actually gets to defend the World X-Division title. Huzzah! Another Festivus miracle!

Make sure you vote for James Storm’s “music video” on some country music site! Or don’t, as it doesn’t matter.

MATCH 3-World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Champion Austin Aries
I was wondering if Ion still worked here. Let’s see if he can end another career with a botched moonsault tonight. Tie-up to start, with Aries backing Ion into the corner. Ion uses some hairspray on his head. Criss-cross sequence ends with Aries breaking a headscissors and landing a dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Aries goes up top for a dive, but Ion moves out of the way, sending Aries into the guardrail. Ion botches a running somersault plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Ion lands some kind of stupid kick for 2, followed by some stomps for another 2. Aries fights back from his knees. Ion responds with a thumb to the eyes and lands his back suplex into a facebreaker for 2. Bodyslam by Ion, and he goes for a running middle rope moonsault, which Aries blocks with his knees. Aries with some forearm shots and elbows to the top of the head. Aries sends Ion into the turnbuckles chest-first and lands a rolling elbow. Aries clotheslines Ion offer the top to the floor, then follows up with a suicide dive. Ion gets back in the ring, where he receives a hotshot and a very theatrical splash by Aries for 2. Aries goes up to the top, where Ion blocks him. Ion goes up for the hurricanrana, but Aries holds on, sending Ion back to the mat. Aries lands a missile dropkick, sending Ion to the opposite corner. Aries lands a running dropkick in the corner and follows up with a vicious brainbuster for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Aries has easily one of the top three best brainbusters I’ve ever seen.

We see Kazarian and Christopher Daniels in the back. Daniels says Styles isn’t their friend. As far as their jobs go, they are on solid ground, so it’s time to go out there and show the world what they’ve got.

Back from the break, we see the footage of what opened the show, which, for those of you keeping score, happened less than an hour. Guess TNA thinks their fans all have ADD.

We get another interview with RVD. Typical “I know I can beat these guys…I do things my way” crap that he’s been doing for years. He then makes a veiled remark about winning Money in the Bank a few years ago.

Video package for the Kazarian/Daniels/Styles feud. I love Daniels and Styles, but this feud is so stupid and obnoxious. It doesn’t help that Kaz is factored in, who is worthless. Back in the ring, Daniels and Kaz are there, and Daniels has a microphone. He calls the crowd “sad clowns”. Last week, he gave Styles an ultimatum, to come out here and reveal his secret, or Daniels would do it for him. He hasn’t heard from Styles in the last seven days, but he’s going to give Styles one more chance. AJ, come out here and set the record straight. Styles doesn’t show up after a few seconds, so Daniels says he hates to do this, but as the new face of the company, he thinks the fans deserve to know the truth about their boy. Styles’ music finally hits and he makes his way to the ring. Styles stops at ringside. He tells the heels he doesn’t know what they think they have over him, but it needs to stop now. Why? Because these two are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives. Kaz says Styles made the mistake. He was trying to protect Styles, but then he looked at all of Styles’ accomplishments compared to theirs, and then began to ask himself why he’s protecting Styles. Styles made a mistake, and this is the proof. Kaz opens an envelope and shows a picture to Styles. It’s a photo of Styles and Dixie Carter standing together, talking. Styles doesn’t get what the big deal is. Daniels says he has more pictures. The next picture is Daniels holding Carter’s face in his hands. Daniels says this looks more touchy-feely. What could they be talking about that Styles would put his hands on the president of the company? Styles is speechless. Daniels then reveals another picture, and it’s Styles kissing her on the neck, hugging her close to him. Daniels says that, since day one, Styles has been the poster boy of this company. When he looks at these photos, well, as the old saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Daniels leaves the ring, followed by Kaz, who drops the photos at Styles’ feet.

After the commercial, you get to see what you just saw one more time.

MATCH 4-World Television Championship: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Champion Devon
Why do I feel like this match has happened repeatedly over the last few weeks or so? What’s that? Oh. My sources are telling me it feels that way because it’s true. Devon charges the ring and begins attacking both guys. T gets clotheslined out of the ring as the match officially starts. Devon pounds E in the corner. Thesz Press off the ropes, followed by some punches and a jumping headbutt. T trips Devon off the ropes and drags him to the floor. Devon slams his head into the steps. E tries to attack from behind, but Devon sees him coming and clotheslines him (Tenay: “Knockout punch!”). Back in the ring, Devon hits the standing spinebuster and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. After the match, Robbie T runs in and slams Devon into the turnbuckle. He then follows up with an over-the-shoulder powerslam that has Davey Boy Smith spinning over in his grave. Robbie E then holds up the belt over his head.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

Footage from last month when we saw James Storm the last time. This leads into a video package for James Storm, saying he needs to take time for himself right now. He’s on his ranch, showing us how he does his chores. It’s pretty much what you’d expect, as Storm is playing up the angle, droning on about self-doubt and that kind of thing.

Mike Tenay hypes tonight’s 4-way match, completely ignoring that Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy are in it, only talking about what will happen if RVD or Roode wins, which pretty much gives away that either Roode or RVD are winning this one. Genius work there, “Professor”.

Joseph Abyss is in the back, asking a stagehand which direction the ring is, as apparently he’s headed that way.

Devon is in the back, yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. It’s never been a fair fight since he won the title, as those two jacka**es (E.T.) are always in his face. If they want a fight, they got one. At Sacrifice, he wants both of them, and the outcome will still be the same. He’ll spinebuster both their a**es. Oh, his brother! Testify.

Video package for this whole stupid Abyss angle. The whole thing with Styles is stupid, but this thing with Abyss is approximately 812 times worse. Joseph Abyss makes his way out, pretending to be really excited by all of this. Love how they’ve added he’s a “renowned lawyer” in Chicago. Abyss is trying to talk to the crowd, but forgets to grab a microphone. The morons in the crowd chant “Where’s Abyss?” Abyss finally gets his microphone. Over the last few months, he’s watched a ton of his own matches in this building, and he tore this place down to the ground. Fun, wasn’t it? Abyss would like to thank Hogan for allowing him to come out here. We’ll have to bear with him, as he’s not used to speaking to large crowds. Everyone knows why he’s here-he’s looking for himself. You know, Abyss? Over his investigation, every clue he received, every lead he followed, every interview he did, there was one common thread: Bully Ray. He told Ray last week he wasn’t going away until he gets answer about where is himself. On his way in tonight, he saw a sign for Sacrifice this Sunday. He might just buy a ticket to that thing and sit with the fans to watch it.

Bully Ray’s music hits, and he comes out, already screaming into a microphone. Ray says he’s tired of hearing this crap. This is a load of crap. There’s something not right with Abyss and himself. Something’s not right. Does this look like a courtroom to you? Does this look like a cauwtroom to you? No, it’s not a courtroom, stupid! It’s a wrestling ring, and you have no business being in a wrestling ring or wrestling arena? Did Abyss see what he did to Matt Morgan? How would he feel if Ray did that to him? Aybss says Ray is right; he’s everything he says he is. It got Abyss thinking, though, back to the night when he disappeared. That night, Abyss had a match with Ray, and beat him. Table that for a second. Two weeks ago, Ray’s former partner of 20 years who Ray claims to have carried (Devon, for those of you keeping score), called Ray down to the ring, and then beat him. Abyss says to table that as well. God, Abyss is a horrible actor. Let’s go back to last week when Ray was invited down to the ring by Austin Aries, a man with incredible talent but half Ray’s size. Aries beat Ray down then. How is that bullying thing working out for Ray? In response to this, Ray knocks Abyss down to the mat before saying, “That’s how it’s working out for me.” Abyss then begins to laugh as Ray leaves the ring.

Mr. Anderson is in the back, talking obnoxiously about his match tonight. He’s scheduled to face Jeff Hardy at Sacrifice, but if he wins tonight, Hardy steps aside, and “I’m taking my title back, BUDDY! *whispers* My title. My title.”

King Mo has signed with TNA. So, he finally usurped Mabel and is now getting his time in the spotlight.

We get Slammiversary moment #9, which is footage of Hogan’s debut with the company. Only problem? This didn’t happen at Slammiversary, and in fact happened on an episode of Impact.

Kurt Angle is talking to Anonymous Interviewer about AJ Styles. Angle calls Styles a good guy, and he needs to focus on the task at hand, which is getting crippled by Angle at Sacrifice. When his bones are mending, he can focus on these allegations.

Mike Tenay and Taz runs down the card for Sacrifice, which has apparently added Samoa Joe and Magnus defending the tag belts against Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, as well as Bully Ray vs. Austin Aries. You know, I expected these matches to happen, but TNA could have possibly announced them a little earlier in order to get people to start talking about them and get interested in them.

Another RVD video. I’m beginning to hate him.

MATCH 4-Fatal 4-Way Match to Potentially and Needlessly Change the Sacrifice Card: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Thankfully, Anderbotch skips his stupid self-introduction. Match starts with the three faces taking turns attacking Roode in the corner. Anderson shoves the other two off and begins choking Roode with his foot. RVD shoves him off and lays in some punches on Roode. Hardy and Anderson are trading blows now. Roode fights back on Hardy and Anderson. He sends both Anderson and RVD to the floor before throwing Hardy into the corner. Roode with some punches and a corner whip. Hardy gets his elbow up and goes for Whisper in the Wind, but Roode sidesteps it, sending Hardy’s stupid ass crashing to the mat. Roode goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Commercials.

Back from the break, Roode drops Hardy with a suplex. Hardy moves out of the way from a jumping knee drop, hits an inverted atomic drop, a double legdrop and seated dropkick for 2. RVD tries to get back in the ring, but Hardy kicks him down. Hardy goes for a dive off the apron, but RVD moves, sending Hardy into the guardrail. Back in the ring, Anderson tries for a pin on Roode, but only gets 2. Roode whips Anderson in the corner, but Anderson fires back with a clothesline. Roode tries for the Payoff off the ropes, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. RVD breaks the pin up, and Anderson hits him with a knee lift. RVD gets a high kick out of the corner and lands the split-legged moonsault for 2. Anderson reverses a corner whip. RVD elbows off the charge and hits a thrust kick off the middle rope. He goes for the Rolling Thunder, but he’s intercepted by Roode, who lands a spinebuster for 2. Roode stomps away on RVD. RVD comes back with a botched superkick, sending Roode to the corner. RVD lands a roundhouse in the corner before trying a monkey flip on Hardy, who blocks it and botches Whisper in the Wind for 2. RVD hits the step-over roundhouse and Rolling Thunder. Roode quickly comes in and throws RVD out. Roode goes for the Payoff on Hardy, who counters it into a sit-out Twist of Fate. Anderson comes in and drops Roode with the Mic Check before tackling Hardy through the ropes to the floor. RVD climbs up top, hits the Five-Star Frog Splash and gets the 3.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Gee, who didn’t see that coming, especially since he already announced the stipulation he wants for the match on Sunday (a ladder match, BTW) earlier in the show. RVD goes under the ring and pulls out the ladder that just happens to be there. He then climbs up and taunts Roode from the top. Meanwhile, Anderson and Hardy are yelling at each other. We see fireworks go off, and Abyss makes his way out. Only this time, he’s actually dressed like Abyss and not Joe. Abyss sends a message to himself, Joseph. Joseph is getting to close to the fire. Back off before you get burned. Abyss’ music is more generic than ever.

End of show.

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Despite always being given away on free TV, there was a time when Clash of the Champions was considered one of the biggest wrestling events in the world, on par with big shows like Wrestlemania. The shows featured a little bit of everything, from title matches, to great undercard bouts, to main events that were pay-per-view quality.

In existence for thirteen years, the show was seen twice a year or more, clocking in at thirty-five total installments. Currently, it has more installments than any other major wrestling show in U.S. history, a record WrestleMania won’t break for another eight years. The first show went head-to-head with WrestleMania IV in 1988, and was a huge success, main evented by Ric Flair defending the NWA World title against Sting in a classic 45-minute draw, considered by many one of the greatest matches of all time.

From there, the show continued to put on major events several times a year, often featuring World title matches, or at the very least a main event starring the World Champion. Even as it got on in years and WCW’s quality began to dwindle at the end of the company’s existence, you could still count on Clash to be a fun, big time show that would cost you absolutely zero to watch. Even the worst editions of the event still featured one or two excellent matches, matches you could easily see yourself paying for.

This DVD set claims to be the “Best of” and it’s hard to argue with the claim. While some of your favorites may not have made the cut, it’s overall a very good collection of 24 matches spanning the show’s history. Hosting the set is WWE Hall of Famer “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, which adds a nice touch to the set. However, for some reason, his appearances on the set are very, very limited. Despite the number of matches, Dusty only appears on the set seven times, and the appearances are very short at that. It would have been nice to maybe have him introduce each match, as the WWE has done in previous sets, as Dusty is still very entertaining to listen to, and about as good of a WCW expert as you could hope for.

Nevertheless, the collection has some really great moments on it. We get the aforementioned Sting/Flair classic from the first show, and also from that show, a great tag team match pitting the NWA World Tag Team Champions, Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard, against Lex Luger and Barry Windham. It’s matches like this that make you realize how good Luger really could be in the early years of his career.

Luger gets a second chance to shine later in the set, as he defends the NWA United States Championship against Ric Flair in another great one. The ending, which saw Stan Hansen interfere and cause a DQ win for Luger, takes the match down a little bit, but it’s still very good overall, and Luger more than held his own against “The Nature Boy”. There’s also some rare gems like Ricky Morton vs. Ivan Koloff in a Russian Chain Match, and an NWA U.S. Tag Team Title Match between the legendary teams of The Midnight Express (the Lane/Eaton version) and The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express.

A Clash set wouldn’t be complete without some great heavyweight championship matches, and this set delivers. We get Sting/Flair from 1988, an awesome “I Quit” Match between Flair and Terry Funk in 1989, and a title unification bout from 1994 as Flair and Sting went at it once more. Aside from those, there are numerous undercard title matches, including a pair of great Cruiserweight title matches and a surprisingly good TV title match between Dustin Rhodes and Lord Steven Regal. You also get one of Ricky Steamboat’s last matches as he took on WCW United States Champion “Stunning” Steve Austin in an excellent title bout that ended the outstanding series those two had.

Of course, even great sets like this are going to feature some duds, and this one’s got a few. For starters, we get a match between Cactus Jack Manson (Mick Foley) and Mil Mascaras that is beyond suck. Foley has stated in the past that Mascaras was very unprofessional to work with and that he absolutely hated this match, and it shows. It lasts a little over five minutes, and I am not kidding when I say that Manson got absolutely zero offense in.

The only highlight (if you can call it that) was seeing Foley take a horrendous back bump on the concrete outside of the ring, resulting in just a cringe-worthy “thud”. There’s also a really boring 15-man “Georgia Brawl” battle royal featuring mostly mid-carders no one cared about, and a quick and pointless six-man between the Fabulous Freebirds (Jimmy Garvin, Michael Hayes and Brad Armstrong as horrible gimmick #1,372, “Badstreet”) vs. Tom “Z-Man” Zenk and the Young Pistols (Steve Armstrong and Tracy Smothers).

Capping off the major duds is a match between DDP and Eddy Guerrero. While the match itself is pretty decent, the idea behind the match was completely ridiculous. These two were fighting over DDP’s “Battle Bowl” ring. Yes, a ring. The ring was originally supposed to represent the top contender to the belt, but it became worthless in short order as A) it was a standard ring, so you could barely even see it, and B) DDP, as “Champion”, often defended it against scrubs like Marcus Bagwell and Jim Powers.

Still, the good far outweighs the bad here, and is a great representation of how awesome Clash of the Champions could be. I would have liked to have seen maybe at least a match from each installment of the show, but that might have made the set too long. Oh, well. This is still a great set overall. While some improvements could be made, they don’t take away from the overall quality, which is pretty excellent.

Watching this set, I can give it a pretty high recommendation, especially to old school fans and DVD collectors. The amount of legends featured on this set is incredible, and shows you why they were some of the best of all time. Newer fans may not get into as much if they don’t recognize a lot of the names and faces, but I still encourage them to check out some of the all-time greats that helped pave the way for a lot of today’s current wrestlers. Definitely a thumb’s up on this one.

DISC 1

The Real Story

NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Sting
Clash of the Champions – 27th March, 1988

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs. Lex Luger & Barry Windham
Clash of the Champions – 27th March, 1988

Why Wait a Whole Year?

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs. Sting & Dusty Rhodes
Clash of the Champions II – 8th June, 1988

Russian Chain Match
Ricky Morton vs. Ivan Koloff
Clash of the Champions III – 7th September, 1988

“I Quit” Match for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk
Clash of the Champions IX – 15th November, 1989

Mil Mascaras vs. Cactus Jack Manson
Clash of the Champions X – 6th February, 1990

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Midnight Express vs. Rock & Roll Express
Clash of the Champions XI – 13th June, 1990

DISC 2

To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat The Man

NWA United States Championship Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Lex Luger
Clash of the Champions XII – 5th September, 1990

The Young Pistols & Z-Man vs. The Fabulous Freebirds
Clash of the Champions XV – 12th June, 1991

15-Man Battle Royal
Clash of the Champions XVI – 5th September, 1991

WCW United States Championship Match
Sting vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude
Clash of the Champions XVII – 19th November, 1991

Other Stars On The Rise

2 out of 3 Falls Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair & Arn Anderson vs. The Hollywood Blonds
Clash of the Champions XXIII – 17th June, 1993

Brian Pillman vs. “Stunning” Steve Austin
Clash of the Champions XXV – 10th November, 1993

WCW Television Title Match
Lord Steven Regal vs. Dustin Rhodes
Clash of the Champions XXVI – 27th January, 1994

Elimination Tag Team Match
Sting & `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude & Vader
Clash of the Champions XXVI – 27th January, 1994

DISC 3

Here we are Again

Championship Unification Match
Sting vs. `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair
Clash of the Champions XXVII – 23rd June, 1994

WCW United States Championship Match
“Stunning” Steve Austin vs. Ricky `The Dragon’ Steamboat
Clash of the Champions XXVIII – 24th August, 1994

Hulk Hogan & `Macho Man’ Randy Savage vs. `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair & The Giant
Clash of the Champions XXXII – 23rd January, 1996

Medusa vs. Bull Nakano
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

Match for the BattleBowl Ring
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Eddie Guerrero
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

I’m gonna watch this

WCW World Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match
Harlem Heat vs. The Steiner Brothers vs. Sting & Lex Luger
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Ultimo Dragon vs. Dean Malenko
Clash of the Champions XXXIV – 21st January, 1997

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero
Clash of the Champions XXXV – 21st August, 1997

Diamond Dallas Page & Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall & `Macho Man’ Randy Savage
Clash of the Champions XXXV – 21st August, 1997

35th and Final Clash

BLU-RAY EXTRAS

`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair and Barry Windham vs. Midnight Express
Clash of the Champions IV – 7th December, 1988

Sting and Ricky `The Dragon’ Steamboat vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude and Steve Austin
Clash of the Champions XVIII – 21st January, 1992

Thunder Cage Match
Dustin Rhodes & Sting vs. Big Van Vader, Paul Orndorff and Barry Windham
Clash of the Champions XXII – 13th January, 1993
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
Listing March 5, 2012
By A. Pierre
Format:Blu-ray
The Real Story

NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Sting
Clash of the Champions – 27th March, 1988

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs. Lex Luger & Barry Windham
Clash of the Champions – 27th March, 1988

Why Wait a Whole Year?

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs. Sting & Dusty Rhodes
Clash of the Champions II – 8th June, 1988

Russian Chain Match
Ricky Morton vs. Ivan Koloff
Clash of the Champions III – 7th September, 1988

“I Quit” Match for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk
Clash of the Champions IX – 15th November, 1989

Mil Mascaras vs. Cactus Jack Manson
Clash of the Champions X – 6th February, 1990

NWA World Tag Team Championship Match
Midnight Express vs. Rock & Roll Express
Clash of the Champions XI – 13th June, 1990

To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat The Man

NWA United States Championship Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. Lex Luger
Clash of the Champions XII – 5th September, 1990

The Young Pistols & Z-Man vs. The Fabulous Freebirds
Clash of the Champions XV – 12th June, 1991

15-Man Battle Royal
Clash of the Champions XVI – 5th September, 1991

WCW United States Championship Match
Sting vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude
Clash of the Champions XVII – 19th November, 1991

Other Stars On The Rise

2 out of 3 Falls Match
`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair & Arn Anderson vs. The Hollywood Blonds
Clash of the Champions XXIII – 17th June, 1993

Brian Pillman vs. “Stunning” Steve Austin
Clash of the Champions XXV – 10th November, 1993

WCW Television Title Match
Lord Steven Regal vs. Dustin Rhodes
Clash of the Champions XXVI – 27th January, 1994

Elimination Tag Team Match
Sting & `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude & Vader
Clash of the Champions XXVI – 27th January, 1994

Here we are Again

Championship Unification Match
Sting vs. `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair
Clash of the Champions XXVII – 23rd June, 1994

WCW United States Championship Match
“Stunning” Steve Austin vs. Ricky `The Dragon’ Steamboat
Clash of the Champions XXVIII – 24th August, 1994

Hulk Hogan & `Macho Man’ Randy Savage vs. `Nature Boy’ Ric Flair & The Giant
Clash of the Champions XXXII – 23rd January, 1996

Madusa vs. Bull Nakano
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

Match for the BattleBowl Ring
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Eddie Guerrero
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

I’m gonna watch this

WCW World Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match
Harlem Heat vs. The Steiner Brothers vs. Sting & Lex Luger
Clash of the Champions XXXIII – 15th August, 1996

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Ultimo Dragon vs. Dean Malenko
Clash of the Champions XXXIV – 21st January, 1997

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero
Clash of the Champions XXXV – 21st August, 1997

Diamond Dallas Page & Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall & `Macho Man’ Randy Savage
Clash of the Champions XXXV – 21st August, 1997

35th and Final Clash

Blu-ray Exclusive Content

‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair and Barry Windham vs. Midnight Express
Clash of the Champions IV – 7th December, 1988

Sting and Ricky `The Dragon’ Steamboat vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude and Steve Austin
Clash of the Champions XVIII – 21st January, 1992

Thunder Cage Match
Dustin Rhodes & Sting vs. Big Van Vader, Paul Orndorff and Barry Windham
Clash of the Champions XXII – 13th January, 1993

BLU-RAY EXTRAS

`Nature Boy’ Ric Flair and Barry Windham vs. Midnight Express
Clash of the Champions IV – 7th December, 1988

Sting and Ricky `The Dragon’ Steamboat vs. `Ravishing’ Rick Rude and Steve Austin
Clash of the Champions XVIII – 21st January, 1992

Thunder Cage Match
Dustin Rhodes & Sting vs. Big Van Vader, Paul Orndorff and Barry Windham
Clash of the Champions XXII – 13th January, 1993

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

-Dustin

WWE: The Best of WCW Clash of the Champions (DVD)

WWE: The Best of WCW Clash of the Champions [Blu-ray]

WWE: Starrcade – The Essential Collection

New Brock Lesnar Carnage Tees at WWEShop.com!

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

Welcome to the 5-3-12 edition of Impact Wrestling! The opening video is of the farce of a “celebration” for Eric Bischoff last week that was nothing more than yet another sad attempt to get Garett Bischoff over with the fans. Guess what? Not happening. Oh, and is it just me, or did SoCal Val look like she’s packed on quite a bit of weight?

We immediately cut to the Impact Zone, where Ric Flair is in the ring. He says that Hogan always plays with him, and that Hogan thinks Flair is his pawn. He thinks Flair will always be under his thumb. Flair’s not buying it, and he doesn’t have to. Why? Because he’s “Ric G-O-D Flair”. In our world, he’s just plain “God”. Last week, Hogan and Garett ran one of the biggest names in history out of the business. Of course, he’s talking about Eric Bischoff. Flair wants to talk to Hogan tonight in the ring tonight because he’s pissed off. He mentions how expensive all of his clothes are, saying his Sears clearance special shirt cost him $2000.

Hogan’s fake now music hits, and he’s making his way out, microphone in hand. Go figure. Remember when this would be a great way to open a wrestling show 17 years ago? Flair calls this “good vs. evil”, with Hogan being good, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But, Flair is “the baddest man in the planet”. He’s tired of Hogan running roughshod over him. What does he have to do? Take Dixie Carter back to Hard Rock? Huh? Anyway, Hogan says he’s not here to fight him. Flair knows that; Hogan’s here to boss him around. Hogan says that, as GM, he’s making it a priority to “step the game up” in Impact Wrestling. When Flair talks about evil, he should have said Eric Bischoff. Eric spread a lot of evil, even to his own son, brother. Hogan’s taking his new GM position very seriously, even hanging his boots up in the process. There’s a chance to make Impact Wrestling one of the longest-running promotions out there. In passing, Flair does work for Hogan, and since Hogan is his boss, he’s going to ask Flair for something; he wants Flair to be a judge for “Gut Check”. With Ric Flair in the lead position with the judges, “we all have a chance to live forever”. We have a chance to live through the new talent, telling them when to stay down or get back up. Hogan is asking Flair to do something for the fans with this. He wants Flair to help shape the future of the business with this job. He doesn’t have to respect Hogan here; he just needs to be “The Nature Boy”. Flair says it doesn’t matter what his response is, because Hogan will tell him he has to do it anyway. Flair says he loves the kids, and as a result, will agree to the position.

Later tonight, RVD and Bobby Roode will choose opponents for each other tonight. Up next, Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher take on Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.

We see Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher in the back with Anonymous Interviewer. She calls Gail Kim a cheater, cheating to beat Sky at every time. But, at the right circumstances at the right time, Sky will beat her. Tessy then says she’s beaten Kim twice, and she’ll do it a third time tonight. Sky says one of them will beat Kim for the title.

MATCH 1: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs. Brooke Tessmacher and Velvet Sky
I love how TNA turns the blue lights up on the stage so much that you can barely see who’s coming out. Tessy and Workrate might be nice to look at, but it’s a serious test of patience listening to them talk. Is it a requirement for all Knockouts to be obnoxious on a microphone? For whatever reason, Earl Hebner starts patting the faces down, which allows the heels to attack from behind. Kim and Sky are now in the ring, and Kim dominates with punches and kicks. Sky hits a clothesline, followed by a pair of dumbass facebreakers and a bulldog. Swinging headscissors by Sky, but Kim attacks from behind off a distraction by Rayne. Rayne tags in and goes to work on Sky in the corner. Kim tags back in. Double corner whip, followed by a pair of partner whips. Kim pulls Sky down by the hair as she’s on the apron. She gets back in and knocks Tessy off the apron. Rayne tags in, and Kim hits a leg stunner, followed by a botched jumping side kick by Rayne for 2. Rayne locks in the Taco Twister before knocking Tessy off the aprong yet again. Sky fights back with kicks and chops, but Rayne rakes the eyes. Kim tags back in and kicks Sky in the ribs, followed by a running clothesline for 2. Kim sets Sky up on the top turnbuckle and looks for a super hurricanrana, but Sky holds the ropes and follows up with a “bulldog-style faceplant”, according to Tenay’s stupid ass. Tessy tags in and hits a couple of clotheslines, a Dropsh*t and a hurricanrana. She looks for her finisher, but Kim blocks it and lands a clothesline. Kim sets up for Eat Defeat, but Tessy blocks it and shoves Kim into the corner. Rayne comes in, but she’s speared by Sky, sending them both to the floor. Kim blocks a kick from Tessy and taunts her. Tessy goes for a punch, and Kim blocks that as well. Tessy turns the blocks into her own version of Eat Defeat, scoring the 3.

WINNERS: Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher. During this match, Mike Tenay could not stop talking about Alex Silva’s “amazing” performance last week, and how there’s so much buzz about him. Obviously, he and I were watching two entirely different matches.

We see Rob Van Dam warming up in the back.

In preparation for Slammiversary 10, we see moments from TNA’s first anniversary show, which saw Jeff Jarrett retain the NWA World title against Raven.

Back in the Impact Zone, RVD is in the ring. He’s talking about how people have been entertained by him for years. He doesn’t have to tell us how great he is, but he’ll do it anyway because he can. He’s Rob Van Dam, the Whole F’n Show. He’s one of a kind, often imitated, never intimidated (his words). Mr. Pay-Per-View. He’s also the man who’s going to beat Bobby Roode and become the next champion. He doesn’t have to tell us he never lost the title in the first place. He knows what he brings to the table-he’s R-V-D. Boy, that was about as cliché of a Van Dam interview as it gets.

Bobby Roode makes his way onto the stage. He was sitting in the back trying to mind his own business, but he couldn’t help but hear how overconfident RVD has been. He knows RVD’s head is in the clouds 99.9% of the time, and he was on hiatus for a while, so let him remind RVD who he is-he is Bobby Roode, the World Champion, the IT Factor and the leader of the Selfish Generation. He’s not just any champion; he’s the most dominant World Champion in the history of the company. He’s done that by beating guys like AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, Sting and James Storm, just to name a few. At Sacrifice, RVD’s name will be added to that list. As for tonight, the GM has made a plan for tonight. Hogan is allowing RVD to choose Roode’s opponent, and vice-versa. He’s going to give RVD the chance to announce his choice first. RVD says he’s got a guy Roode knows very well, and a guy Roode hit over the head with a beer bottle last month-Mr. Anderson. Roode says that great, and he’s got someone in mind for RVD, a close friend. As you would expect, Roode announces Jeff Hardy as RVD’s opponent. Aside from a pointless “You are garbage” chant at Roode during this segment, the crowd was completely dead for the whole thing.

Still to come, Kurt Angle, Kazarian and Christopher Daniels take on Magnus, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles in a 6-Man. Up next, Devon defends the World TV title.

MATCH 2-World Television Championship: Robbie T (w/Robbie E) vs. Devon
Well, this match has “workrate” written all over it. T starts attacking Devon in the corner, hitting him with a knee to the gut before throwing him to the opposite corner. T hits a short-arm clothesline. Devon fights back with punches, but T cuts him off with a back elbow. I’ve just realized something-both Robbie T and Mason Ryan are Welshmen, both are huge, and both suck something fierce. Is the best Wales can offer pro wrestling? T hits an over-the-shoulder powerslam, but only gets 2. T charges to the corner, but Devon hits a back elbow and a pair of shoulderblocks. He hits a flying shoulderblock, sending T into the corner. Avalanche in the corner, which leads to another flying shoulderblock. Devon climbs to the top rope, hitting the headbutt. His family is dead now. The headbutt only gets 2. Robbie E jumps on the apron, but Devon just hip tosses him in. Devon manages to hit a spear off the ropes, but turns around into a shot to the head with a clipboard by Robbie E.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION, AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. Robbie E then stands over Devon after the match, holding the belt up.

We see Al Snow and Ric Flair talking in the back. They’re talking about being “Gut Check” judges, before Al Snow introduces the third judge, Bruce Pritchard.

After the break, we see “highlights” from the “Gut Check” last week, which saw Alex Silva get his ass handed to him by Robbie E. We then cut away to the judges discussing the match. Flair says, “You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t”, then calls the kid a twig and says he’ll never be World Champion. Agreed on all fronts. Snow says we’re looking at future potential, not right now. Flair says Silva doesn’t have the potential. Pritchard says he’s seen Silva many other times, and this wasn’t his best outing. Flair says he’s not big enough, and he’ll never get ratings. Pritchard mentions the X-Division, and Flair doesn’t even see X-Division in him. Pritchard points out that not everyone believed in Flair in his earliest days. Snow makes up some crap about how he tested positive with fans, saying 63% of Twitter responses were positive. Flair says the fans don’t run the business. Funny, but I’m pretty sure the business wouldn’t exist without the fans. Just a thought. Pritchard does point this out. Flair says he respects the fans, but doesn’t respect their opinions. I’m not even going to begin to dissect that one. They continue to rattle on about Silva, saying they need 2 votes to get him on the roster, and Snow tells Flair not to make his final vote just yet.

Back from the break, we see Hulk Hogan and Mr. Anderson talking in the back. Hogan is informing Anderson his opponent for tonight is Roode. Anderson is stupidly chewing on a spoon. Hogan says Anderson is the number one guy, and deserves the number one spot. He then makes his match with Roode tonight No Disqualification. They then share Anderson’s catchphrase as I choke on my own bile.

MATCH 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam
Match starts with a side headlock by Hardy. RVD reverses into a top wristlock, turning it into a leg scissors for a 1-count. Hardy counters out with an arm drag. RVD goes into a waistlock, which Hardy reverses. RVD reverses, but Hardy counters with a back elbow and a reverse enziguri, sending RVD to the floor. Hardy knocks him down with a dropkick through the ropes before landing a clothesline off the apron. Hardy throws RVD back in for a pin, but only gets 2. RVD throws som punches. Hardy counters a monkey flip with a double legdrop pin for 2. RVD reverses a corner whip and lands a monkey flip out of the corner. RVD nails a roundhouse in the corner. Hardy comes back with Whisper in the Wind for 2. RVD hits a jawbreaker and a roundhouse thrust kick. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Hardy gets his knees up. Bobby Roode makes his way down, belt in hand. Roode has a brand new Affliction knock-off t-shirt. It’s TNA. What do you expect: Roode cracks Hardy across the back with the belt as the referee tries to dive out of the way of an Irish whip. Roode wanted to hit RVD, but RVD countered, causing Roode to nail Hardy. RVD lands a superkick and gets the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam.

We see Bully Ray walking in the back. He’s stopped by Joseph Abyss, who had just been on the phone. Abyss says Ray didn’t get answers last week. Ray says he still won’t get any this week. Abyss knows Ray had something to do with the disappearance of himself, and he’s going to prove it. Ray shoves him, telling him to back off. Ray says Abyss knows exactly what he does to guys like Abyss. He tells Abyss to just ask himself about that. Oh, wait; Abyss can’t do that, because Abyss is missing. Ray then tells him to stay out of his way.

As if once wasn’t enough, we then see the Garett/Eric angle from last week once again.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

Jeremy Borash is talking to Anonymous Interviewer, saying a bunch of stupid stuff about Eric Bischoff. I hate listening to this bloated waste of space. Ray cuts him off. He wants to hear everything Borash has to say. He wants to hear about how Borash took care of Eric last week. Ray then grabs him by the collar and drags him to out to the ring, saying they’re going to discuss it in front of everyone. Ray just loudmouths a bunch of crap before telling Borash to get on his knees. He then grabs a microphone (as if he needs one) before shoving Borash into the ring. Ray asks if Borash forgot what he did last week. You bowing up to me? You bowing up to me? Ray is sick of hearing about “anti-bullying”. They should start a new campaign: The “Stop being a little b*tch and stick up for yourself” campaign. Borash is the poster boy for all the little b*tches guys like Ray take advantage of. He asks Borash if he’d like to punch Ray in the face. The crowd stupidly cheers for this. Ray walks all over guys like Borash because he can.

Austin Aries’ music hits, and he makes his way out. He makes fun of Ray’s “Do you know who I am?” line. We know who Ray is-the guy who picks on lawyers. Ray tells him not to step in the ring. Aries steps into the ring. He only cares about him and Ray. Ray called him out, and when he did that, he did so in regards to the only thing he could-Aries’ size. Aries believes Ray has taken bigger craps than him, and eaten bigger chicken wings than him, because, in case Ray forgot, he spent most of his career as “Blubber Ray”, a big, fat, pasty poster boy for all-you-can eat buffets and type 2 diabetes. Thank you, Austin Aries. Yet another reason why you’re great. Ray slaps the mic out of his hand and says that playtime is over. He shoves Aries and continues to mouth off, saying Aries will now have to stand up for himself. But he won’t, because at the end of the day, he’s the champion, and he represents small, insignificant men. Ray isn’t all talk; Aries is. Ray then spits in his face. As Ray continues to run his fat mouth, Aries finally snaps. He decks him a bunch of times, beating Ray down in the corner. He begins kneeing Ray in the head as “security” comes in to break things up. They pull Aries back, and Ray kicks him in the nuts. On the plus side, Aries split Ray’s lip open in the process. Ray leaves the ring and moos like a cow. No, really. He did.

We see Christopher Daniels and Kazarian in the back. Kaz is talking about how they didn’t get their title match last week. Kurt Angle is also back here. Daniels talks about winning the tag titles and humiliating AJ Styles. Angle tells them to shut up, and the only thing he cares about is making Styles tap out tonight and at Sacrifice. Kaz makes some stupid joke about ostrich jerky.

James Storm is debuting his “music video” on CMT.com. Who in the hell cares? Storm will be back next week to talk some more, which is about all he’s been doing lately.

We see Bobby Roode in the back, in some weirdly-lit area. He’s complaining about Hulk Hogan’s added stipulation for tonight. He should call Sting and find out where he’s at, because he was the last authority figure in the company, and Roode took care of him. And if RVD thinks he’s taking the belt, he’s got another thing coming.

MATCH 4-Six-Man Tag Team Match: Kurt Angle, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian vs. World Tag Team Champions Magnus & Samoa Joe, and AJ Styles
Have you ever noticed that Angle has feuds in both major companies over a necklace? Random thought for you. The faces charge the ring, with the champs cleaning house on Daniels and Kaz. Styles and Angle start off with some chain wrestling, followed by trading blows. Angle hits a European uppercut, but runs into a dropkick by Styles off the ropes. Angle reverses a suplex attempt with a punch. Daniels comes in and knocks Styles down. Angle gets mad and tells him to get back out of the ring. Meanwhile, Joe has tagged in, and he nails Angle with a bunch of rights. Magnus tags in, and they hit their inverted atomic drop/big boot/running senton combo for 2. Magnus gets Angle in the corner and lands an uppercut. Daniels nails Magnus with a hotshot, allowing Angle to clothesline Magnus down. Daniels and Kaz are asking for a tag, but Angle is refusing. He lands a European uppercut on Magnus before going into a rear chinlock. Magnus fights out with elbows, but telegraphs a back body drop. Magnus still manages to connect with a misdirection clothesline before tagging in Styles. Kaz tags in (at least, according to Taz. I never saw a tag), who eats a roundhouse and a fireman’s carry into a neckbreaker. He looks for the Styles Clash on Angle, but Daniels nails Styles with a Ghetto Blaster. Joe comes in and chops Daniels across the chest. Magnus blocks a corner whip, allowing Joe to back drop Daniels to the floor. He nails Daniels with a suicide dive into a forearm shot. The champs set Daniels up for Styles, but Angle trips Styles up and goes into the ankle lock. Apparently, I was right, and Angle is still legal. Kaz tags himself in as Daniels and Angle begin to argue. Joe charges at Daniels from behind, sending both him and Angle to the floor. Kaz sets up the Fade to Black on Styles, but Magnus boots him right in the chest. Styles rolls through into a Styles Clash, and connects for the 3.

WINNERS: Magnus, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles. After the match, Angle begins berating Kaz and Daniels. Angle shoves Daniels before getting in his face. Eventually, he backs off. Daniels grabs a microphone and says he’s going to end this once and for all with AJ Styles next week. Styles has seen the photographs, so either he comes out and tells the world his secret, or Daniels and Kaz will. How much do you want to bet this involves either Daniels or Kaz being the real father of one or all of Styles’ kids?

Up next, we learn what Alex Silva’s future will be. Considering how embarrassing his match was last week, I expect him to get a massive push, winning the tag titles with Garett Bischoff. That sounds like TNA logic to me.

The three “Gut Check” judges are in the ring, and most of the lights have been shut off, I guess to add some unnecessary drama. Al Snow rattles off some cliché stuff before introducing his fellow judges, saying, “joining me alongside Ric Flair and myself” as he introduces Pritchard. He then calls Alex Silva out to the ring. Crowd doesn’t seem all that interested. We then get some overly-dramatic music for no reason. Flair gives his thought, and that’s he likes Silva’s attitude, but he needs to grow some more. Pritchard says last week, Silva came down like he already had a job. Last week probably wasn’t his best outing, but TNA needs talent. True, so why are they looking at this clownshoe? Snow reminds Silva that he needs the vote of 2 of the 3 judges to get a job. Flair gives his vote as Silva “Woos” at him. Flair simply says no. Silva gives him an angrypants look. Boo-hoo. Snow says yes before once again reminding him that he needs two votes, then gives him the microphone and tells him he has 30 seconds to sell himself. Silva addresses each judge by name, then looks up at the ceiling and talks to his apparently dead dad. He rambles on about how he was poor at 13, and became more and more poor…the timer runs out. Flair tells him not to talk to the marks, talk to them. Start over. 30SECONDS!30SECONDS!ISTANDUPFORMYSELFEACHANDEVERYNIGHT! I MOVEDTOTHEUNITEDSTATESFROMCANADAPOORIWANTTOLIVEMYDREAMDADILOVEYOU! Or something like that. Flair then changes his answer to “yes”, and I lose just a bit more respect for “The Man”. Pritchard says his original answer was no based on his performance last week. Last week, his nerves got the best of him. This week, he got a second shot, and his answer is now yes. So. There you go. Silva joins the roster, and will join some illustrious names like Mark Starr, Bunkhouse Buck, Buddy Lee Parker and Tim Horner in regards to his place in wrestling.

God, that went on too long. Still, most anything is better than listening to or watching Mr. Anderson, who refers to himself as the “archetypal asshole” (which remains uncensored, though ass and bitch are still bleeped), despite the fact I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know the definition of “archetypal”.

MATCH 5-No Disqualification Match: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Anderson meets Roode at ringside, where he begins brawling with Roode, slamming his head into the barricades. Anderson with some punches. Roode blocks a slam into the steps before landing a side-Russian leg sweep into the ring apron. Roode sets up for a piledriver, but Anderson blocks it and turns it into a slingshot into the ringpost. Anderson hits the rolling fireman’s carry slam on the floor as we go to commercials.

Just saw the preview for “That’s My Boy”. Can someone please, please, PLEASE explain to me how Adam Sandler keeps getting work? Oh, wait. He had to open his own production company for himself and his friends because no one else will hire any of them anymore. Never mind.

You know, I just noticed that the ringposts in this promotion are square shaped, which means they have sharp edges. That’s a pretty stupid design when you consider how much more dangerous that could be than the standard round posts. Then again, this is TNA. Anyway, we’re back from the break, and Roode is begging off in the corner from Anderson, who has apparently went back on offense during the break. Roode lands a low blow before stomping Anderson in the nuts. Anderson rolls to the floor, where Roode follows him in order to throw him back in the ring, where he gets a 2-count. Roode stomps Anderson down before taunting the crowd. Roode with a suplex and a jumping knee drop for 2. Anderson fights back from his knees with punches and chops, but runs right into a back elbow off the ropes. Roode goes to the floor and grabs a chair and wedges it in between the top and middle turnbuckles. Roode goes to throw Anderson in, but Anderson reverses, sending Roode in head-first.

Hey, remember when Hogan totally buried Roode in several interviews? Now, he’s doing nothing but sucking up to the guy, saying how badly TNA needs him as champion. Just some information for you. Back to the match, Anderson and Roode are trading blows. Anderson eventually dominates, hits a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker. Roode ducks a kick, but Anderson keeps spinning and hits a version of the Ghetto Blaster. Anderson looks for the Mic Check, but Roode elbows out. He gets his feet up on a corner charge, in the corner with the chair. Roode knocks the chair down and goes to the top rope. Anderson crotches him and looks for the rolling fireman’s carry again, but Roode shoves him into the ropes, catching him with the spinebuster. Roode sets up for the Payoff on the chair, but Jeff Hardy runs down and lands a reverse enziguri on Roode. He turns around to Anderson, who nails Hardy with the Mic Check. Roode grabs the chair, hits Anderson in the stomach with it before landing a shot to the back, then hits Anderson with the Payoff for the 3.

WINNER: Bobby Roode. After the match, Roode continues the attack with the chair, taking turns on both guys. RVD runs down to chase Roode out of the ring before checking on the other two. As he’s doing so, Roode comes back into the ring and cracks RVD across the back before landing a DDT on the chair.

End of show.

The main event wasn’t much of a No DQ match, outside of a couple chair shots and low blows. Well, at least the 6-man was relatively enjoyable.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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-So WWE Extreme Rules is in the books, and I have to say that it’s, without question, a thumbs up show (review here: http://bluebarcage.blogspot.com/2012/04/extreme-rules-mini-review.html). The World Title matches were excellent, and the Cena/Lesnar brawl is something that will be remembered for quite some time. Even Kane/Orton was a fun, late-nineties style hardcore match. Add to that the hot Chicago crowd, and it’s easy to see why WWE easily cleared the fences last night. I’ll reserve judgment on Lesnar losing until we see what Chapter Two brings, and if you want to enjoy the story, I’d advise you to do the same. Maybe by this time next month, we’ll say “Oh, THAT’S why they did that!” Or maybe not. Either way, the concept of the unknown is a fun one, methinks.

-WWE Monday Night RAW is Live from Dayton, birthplace of the King of the Ring PPV.

Opening Segment: John Laurinaitis

Ahh, dammit, they changed to his song to something more processional. I miss the faux-John Williams tune already. So Laurinaitis says he revolutionized WWE in the name of People Power, and we should all thank him for giving us Lesnar/Cena. For once, the hyperbole isn’t hyperbole; it was indeed an epic clash. Laurinaitis kisses up to Lesnar in spite of the loss, and brings him out. He’s still able to jog in place in spite of the damage done last night. Guy’s a trooper. Brock begins to brag in spite of losing, and this brings Triple H out. Hunter sure looks fairly svelte now that he’s not wrestling anymore. Less incentive to ‘work out’. Hunter informs Brock that he won’t be holding up WWE anymore for demands, and denies Brock a free flight on the personal WWE jet. HARSH. And the show is no longer starring Brock Lesnar. Man, what a HORRIBLE 24 hours for Lesnar! Apparently, Laurinaitis had no right to approve of Lesnar’s demands. But he’s the talent relations head, right? Indeed, Laurinaitis claims he should have his say, and thinks they should uphold the demands. Hunter disagrees and, after some rambling, we get to the point: Hunter wants to have Lesnar in big matches with Cena, Punk, Orton, and Sheamus. I want Lesnar/Ziggler, just to see Dolph set new standards for absurdly deadly stuntman bumps. After Hunter emphasizes the loss to Cena to raise Brock’s ire, and asks Lesnar if he’s staying with his current contract. Laurinaitis keeps raising objections, which allows Brock to viciously maul the COO. Hunter tries to fight back, but Lesnar hooks the kimura and snaps HHH’s arm. The babyfaces hit the ring, and Brock bails. R-Truth: “WE HAVE TO GO SAVE HUNTER! HE FIRED ME ONCE, BUT SCREW IT, NO ONE REMEMBERS!” Lesnar walks out, presumably fired (but obviously not) as Hunter is helped away.
Segment Rating: 7/10. Took a little while to get to the damn point, but Hunter getting his arm snapped is always good for my happiness. I think Lesnar just got his heat back.

-Backstage, Hunter is worked over, displaying a level of acting slightly above “Don Muraco tries to help crippled Billy Graham jog”

-Eve Torres makes her way out, now with bitchy glasses and a white skirt. I’m sold. It’s a Beat the Clock Challenge for Over the Limit. Alrighty then.

Match 1: The Miz vs. Santino Marella (Beat the Clock Challenge/Non Title)
Guess they impressed on the YouTube show well enough to earn a spot on Raw. Miz and Santino go for near falls as it’s revealed that Lesnar has been escorted out. What time will he come back, I wonder? Miz lands a sick set of kicks about a 1:15 in for 2. Marella gets a roll up for 2, but Miz responds with a Side Effect for 2. Are there Divas in the Beat the Clock challenge? If so, one of them will win. Diva matches never go longer than 52 seconds. Anywho, Miz gets the Mizline and axe handle for 2. Santino escapes a chinlock with a back suplex, and lands a hotshot. Wow, both are adding to their movesets nicely. Santino lands the hip toss/headbutt combo, and out comes Cobra, but that lands to a series of reverse cradles for 2 each. Miz gets the SCF out of nowhere to win.
WINNER: The Miz via Skull Crushing Finale (4:18)
RATING: 7/10. Whew, that was a fast paced, fun match! Nice to see both men alter their arsenals a bit. Hopefully, tonight will be full of rarely used faces as a means of creating an uprising of new talent.

Match 2: Layla vs. Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella (WWE Divas Championship)
Bobby Heenan: “LAYLA BEAT THE WRONG DOINK! ERR, BELLA!” Bellas argue as the bell rings, so Layla dropkicks one into the other, and rolls the other one up to win. 12 seconds! LAYLA VS. PUNK AT OVER THE LIMIT! CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION!
WINNER: Layla via roll-up (Still WWE Divas Champion)
Rating: 1/10. They were nice to look at.

Match 3: Chris Jericho vs. Big Show (Beat the Clock Challenge)
Former Tag Team Champions collide en route to a possible title shot. I’m glad Ax and Smash never came to this. Show throws Jericho around and tries for quick pins to no avail. Jericho takes the knee out with a dropkick. Show chops Jericho down with a mid air chop, but misses the ensuing pump splash. 2:30 remains when Jericho lands a Lionsault for 2. Jericho tries for the Walls, but Show gets an inside cradle(!!!!) for 2. Jericho blocks a chokeslam with a stump DDT for 2. Jericho clubs Show while bellowing “STAY DOWN!”, but gets speared for his efforts. About a minute remains when Show calls for the WMD, but misses. Show blocks the Codebreaker, but Jericho manages to pull him to the floor. Both men brawl outside, and Show falls over the rail. Jericho makes it in on 9, but the clock apparently expires before Show can be counted out. The referee confers as we go to break….and it’s ruled that time expires. Now THAT is a cliffhanger!
WINNER: Neither man at the 4:18 expiration
Rating: 6/10. Fun match with a creative, well-timed ending.

Cheap Plug: A look at Rey Mysterio’s suspension and current path in life (although this may be questioned by recent allegations that WWE doctored the circumstances of his drug test). http://bluebarcage.blogspot.com/2012/04/west-coast-popped.html

Match 4: Brodus Clay vs. JTG
I assume this ISN’T a Beat the Clock Challenge. Is it too much to rehire Shad and reform Cryme Tyme? They NEED teams. Lawler hints that JTG has a surprise for Clay. Usual squash match ensues, so maybe Lawler’s talking out of his ass? Wouldn’t be the first time. MAH BAD elbow connects, but JTG comes back by clipping the knee. Clay comes back with the rhino headbutt, corner splash, and SHUDDAHGETTEM t-bone. Big splash connects. Yep, out of Lawler’s ass. Clay invokes the spirit of JYD by bringing kids in the ring to dance.
WINNER: Brodus Clay via big splash
Rating: 2/10. Decent squash, but what a waste of the underrated JTG, especially after Lawler teased something different.

- UPDATE: Triple H can open water bottle with one arm; trademark entrance not in jeopardy.

-Teddy Long gets paid for a 12 second cameo with the name tag as Eve tries to ease Laurinaitis. She tries to motivate him into not letting the opening segment hold him back. Laurinaitis has bad intentions for Cena.

MATCH 5: Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger (Beat the Clock Challenge)
Jack Swagger’s tights make him look like Charlie Haas with a learning disability. Orton gets quick roll-up for 2, and Swagger responds with corner thrusts. Orton gets another roll-up for 2. Sound strategy, actually. Swagger ends up with the Swagger Bomb for 2 after barely a minute of action. Loving the faster pace. Gutwrench fails, and Orton lands the O-Zone for 2. Remember when this was the World Title match for Extreme Rules in 2010? No? Okay. Orton gets clipped (and has a curse word muted) as we reach the two minute warning. Swagger goes into a butterfly lock, converted into a complex pin for 2. Another Swagger Bomb fails, and Orton clotheslines away with a minute left. Hanging DDT hits with 40 seconds to go. RKO doesn’t connect, Swagger gets the ankle lock with 20 seconds, Orton breaks, and hits the RKO to win with 2 seconds left. Awesome!
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO (4:16)
RATING: 7/10. Have I mentioned I love this killer pace, plus the drama to otherwise random matchups? Great stuff in the final two minutes.

-John Cena, who will NOT be on vacation, and will have a mystery opponent at Over the Limit. Hmmm.

MATCH 6: The Colons vs. Ghana Get Got (WWE Tag Team Championship)
Great to see a team that hasn’t been together for 2 months getting a shot. Apparently, the Bellas have been fired, according to Cole. That’s okay, Layla will compensate for my daydreams. Primo “attacks” little Jimmy, thus incensing Truth, who goes ballistic. Truth dumps Primo as we hit commercial. We return to Truth in control, but a distraction allows Primo and Epico to double team in the corner. Update: Triple H’s arm IS broken. I feel like the tag title matches are just for providing storyline interest points to the audience. Crowd rallies behind Truth, who comes back, but Primo stops him dead with a high kick for 2. Crowd is really into this with rhythmic claps. Truth gets a high leg lariat, and double tags are made, with Kofi taking over. Controlled frenzy goes off on Epico, complete with BOOM Drop. Rosa tries to distract, but Kofi gets Trouble in Paradise anyway for new champions. Good, they’re on guys who’ll be on TV.
WINNERS: Ghana Get Got via Trouble in Paradise (New WWE Tag Team Champions)
RATING: 6/10. Decent old school formula tag with a fun crowd. Betcha Rosa gets dumped/dumps the Colons, and Abraham Washington takes over. Rosa moves onto the Divas division afterward.

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-Indeed, Washington catches up with the losers backstage. Yep

MATCH 7: The Great Khali vs. Kane (Beat the Clock Challenge)
I need an animated gif of Khali dancing. Orton’s sitting down for this match, because lord knows a Kane/Khali match is too much to endure while standing up. Khali chops away and blocks a Kane goozle, so the Big Red Monster takes the knee out. Kane lands a DDT for 2 with just under three minutes to go. Match slows to the expected crawl as Kane heads up top for a diving clothesline at the two minute warning. Slooooooow. Down to a minute with nothing of note happening, except that Khali has taken over. Kane rolls to the floor with 30 seconds left and Khali follows. They fight over a chokeslam and time expires. Kane gets the chokeslam anyway.
WINNER: Neither man at the 4:18 expiration
RATING: 2/10. Just godawfully slow, thus negating the idea of the fast-paced matches. Eh well, at least it’s the only black mark so far.

MATCH 8: Daniel Bryan vs. Jerry Lawler (Beat the Clock Challenge)
If Bryan pulls this out, and we get Bryan/Punk, there’ll be tons of people upset about Lesnar jobbing that will suddenly shut their mouths. As for Lawler, this is certainly an oddball selection. Bryan goes aggressive early with punches and a dropkick for 2. Lawler fights back with his awesome right hands. Lawler gets a dropkick for 2 as we go under 3 minutes. Bryan misses a corner charge, and Lawler lands the second rope fist drop for 2. Bryan backdrops his way out of a piledriver, lands a kick, and gets the YES Lock for the submission!
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via YES Lock (2:02 left)
RATING: 4/10. Decent little match, and it gets us Bryan vs. Punk. Fine by me!

-Punk comes out for a distant staredown to get the wheels in motion.

Closing Segment: John Cena
Gotta say, Michael Cole on his own, without Jerry Lawler to throw his forced barbs at, is a VERY competent announcer. Cena, in a sling, informs the crowd that he has to tears or breaks, and the crowd boos. Funny stuff. Laurinaitis makes his way out to solve the riddle for us. Cena asks if Laurinaitis is commemorating the release of No Holds Barred by giving him Zeus for Over the Limit, but no. Laurinaitis points out that putting him with Lesnar brought out the best in Cena. He’s got a point. Cena gets all insubordinate, actually getting some laughs with his mockery of Laurinaitis. And Laurinaitis drops the hammer: Lord TENSAI. Fine by me; I dig monster heels, and I loved Giant Bernard’s resume. Sakamoto and Tensai surround Cena, and Laurinaitis takes Cena out with the mic! The opponent for Over the Limit: JOHN LAURINAITIS. Awesome! Three on one beatdown commences, and the crowd boos lustily. They destroy the arm, and Laurinaitis smashes it on the stairs with a chair.
Segment Rating: 8/10. Just for the surprise ending.

OVERALL: Now THAT was a Raw. Fast paced matches, Punk/Bryan for OTL, Cena/Ace, Lesnar/HHH, and a good Tag Team Title match. What more can you ask for?

Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.

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Welcome to the 4-26-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Tonight is the debut of “Open Fight Night”, and if you read my column earlier this week, you know it should just be phenomenal, a smashing success that will last for years to come.

We see some footage at the beginning from OVW, TNA’s “developmental system” that they’ve used to develop approximately zero new stars thus far. Hulk Hogan is in the back, talking to all of the current champions, reminding them again of what exactly this stupid night is about. He refers to Samoa Joe and Magnus as the greatest tag team of all time. Once again, the Knockouts Tag Team Champions are absent, as is Television Champion Devon. He singles out each competitor, complimenting them for various reasons. He tells Joe and Magnus they need to “shut up or put up”. The problem is there are too many teams wanting to challenge the tag champs. He’s going to be listening to a lot of whining and crying about who deserves a spot. That’s why the tag champs need to step it up and prove themselves. Hogan is completely incoherent tonight.

We get a zazzy new video and theme song for “Open Fight Night” to attempt to make it seem much more important than it actually is. Devon is out for the opening match, with Mike Tenay reminding us the TV title will now be defended each week from now on (until someone in the company forgets and they scrap it with no explanation). Devon reminds us of what Hogan said about the company champions last week, then tells us again that his belt must be defended every week. We see some of the locker room looking on in the back as Devon tells us who he is calling out for his title defense tonight. He calls out the guy everybody hates and needs an ass-kicking worse than anyone, Bully Ray.

Bully Ray makes his way out, asking Devon if he’s serious. He calls Devon stupid. What makes Devon think Ray wants to be in a ring with him? They had to be in a ring together for 15 years, and it made Ray sick. For 15 years, Ray carried Devon. He wouldn’t even have the opportunity to be TV Champion if it wasn’t for Ray. Ray won’t get in the ring to make Devon look good, because if they’re in the ring together, that makes Devon a star, and Ray isn’t going to help Devon become a star. Ray says the match won’t happen tonight, and go to hell. As he’s heading back up the ramp, Devon charges after him, taking him down from behind. Devon continues punching Ray until they’re back around the ring, where the bell rings to start the match.

MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Champion Devon vs. Bully Ray
Devon continues decking Ray before hitting him with a bottle of water. That only works for R-Truth. They finally get into the ring, where Ray begs off. Love how neither of these guys will agree to wear normal ring gear. Ray offers a handshake, which Devon accepts and turns into a short-arm clothesline. Devon hits a horrible Thesz Press, then knocks Ray down again with an uppercut. Devon goes up top, but Ray crotches him as we go to commercials.

I’m beginning to think the people behind 5-Hour Energy have never seen how actual people operate in their real day-to-day lives.

Back from the break, Ray drops an elbow. He has a little cut above his left eye. Ray spits a loogie in the air, then catches it in his mouth. Now that’s classy. Ray with a bodyslam and a running splash for 2 before locking in a Trapezius claw. Devon catches Ray with a spear off the ropes. There are bunch of really cool guys in the front row with their faces painted. Ray and Devon trade a bunch of punches before Devon hits a spinning back elbow off the ropes, followed by the Miz’s Reality Check, only in slow-motion. Ray gets his foot up on a corner charge, then nails a clothesline for 2. Ray sets up for the Bully Bomb. Devon counters out, but Ray counters again into the Bubba Cutter for 2. Ray charges out of the corner, but runs right into Devon’s standing spinebuster, which is enough for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.

Austin Aries is in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer about how Bully Ray can’t win a match when he doesn’t cheat. He wants to get his hands on Ray.

Ric Flair is elsewhere in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer #2 about his party for Eric Bischoff (which is sans-bleep tonight. See what I mean about TNA forgetting things quickly?). Flair says we are going to “rock and Randall”. I don’t know, either. He just continues to verbally fellate Bischoff before giving out a “Woo”.

We will find out later who Hulk Hogan is picking for the tag champs’ opponents tonight. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Hogan picking the opponents for that match pretty much go against everything he talked about in regards to Open Fight Night last week?

In the locker room, we Christopher Daniels and Kazarian walk in on Kurt Angle. Kaz is rambling on about how pathetic AJ Styles is. Angle says he never asked for their help last week, and if they ever get involved in his matches again, they’ll see a side of him they never want to see. Daniels calls Angle and ungrateful ass. Angle hears it, so Daniels plays it off like he’s on the phone. So, Angle’s a face now? Great.

We see wrestlers looking on in the back as Jeremy Borash makes his way out for some reason. Borash reminds us of what night it is. He thanks Hogan for this, as this gives all employees the opportunity to air a grievance or possibly call someone out. He’s not here to call out a wrestler, but he’s here to call out another employee. He’s been here longer than anyone on the current roster, and it’s universally known that there hasn’t been a bigger prick in the last three years to come into the company than Eric Bischoff. If this is going to be Bischoff’s last night here, instead of getting liquored up and demeaning employees on his Facebook page, he’d like to call Bischoff into the ring face-to-face and shove his fist down Bischoff’s throat. So, this is what it’s come to, folks-announcers calling out managers. Because this equals ratings.

Bischoff makes his way down. Honestly, does anyone care about any of this? Borash is about as entertaining or viable as Eric’s worthless son, Garett. The crowd is doing the “Na na na na” chant. Eric takes a picture of Borash. Borash says there needs to be a breathalyzer on Eric’s phone, then asks about apps involving drunk tweets. Eric says he hopes Borash enjoys his 15 seconds of fame here, because he knows he will. He corrects Borash that his phone is an iPhone and not a Blackberry, because we all give a damn. Eric starts to say something else, when Bully Ray comes in from behind and gives Borash a low blow. Eric calls Borash an idiot as Ray films him with his phone. Eric asks a referee to come into the ring, since it’s Open Fight Night.

MATCH 2: Jeremy Borash vs. Eric Bischoff
The referee gets down and counts a 3, making Eric Bischoff the winner of this “match”.

WINNER: Eric Bischoff. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though Eric is here tonight, he lost his job as an employee in the Lethal Lockdown match, meaning Borash calling him out and him “getting the win” were both even more pointless. Yeah, this concept is going to last a really long time.

Mr. Anderson is in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer now. He’s rambling on about respect for Eric Bischoff, as Eric is the one who brought him in the company. He more or less calls Eric two-faced. He says everyone thinks Bischoff is an asshole, but that’s not true because Anderson is an asshole; it’s a term of indearment. God, I hate you so much, Anderson. He then calls Bischoff a “frickin’ douchebag, and that douchebag needs to go BUH-BYE.” So much hate for this man.

Mexican America is in the ring. Speaking of wrestlers I hate, Anarquia has been given a microphone. He’s screaming about not being considered for the Tag Team title match. Nobody can beat them at all. Except, you know, everyone on the roster since they haven’t won a match in months. Kurt Angle is apparently going to do so. Anarquia keeps spewing nonsense with fake Spanish peppered in. He makes it look like Hernandez is going to take the match, but attacks Angle from behind as he’s looking at Hernandez.

MATCH 2: Anarquia (w/Hernandez, Rosita and Sarita) vs. Kurt Angle.
Again, when did Angle become a face? Anarquia is punching Angle in the corner, followed by a corner whip. Remember when Angle was the most hated guy in the company? Neither doe these fans. Angle sidesteps a corner charge, hits a release German Suplex, follows up with the Angle Slam and the ankle lock for the submission.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. You know your show is bad when the best match of the night so far has been Bully Ray vs. Devon.

We get a video package for Alex Silva, who will get a chance at a TNA contract tonight in the first Open Fight Night “Gut Check”. Alex Silva makes his way into the Impact Zone, flanked by Al Snow, who has a microphone. Guess we have to wait until after the commercial to hear what Snow has to say.

Back from the break, Snow and Silva are in the ring. Snow is telling us he is the lead judge for these “Gut Checks”. He describes what the Gut Check is, with these guys basically attempting to earn a spot on the roster when facing a TNA star. He then tells all independent stars to sign up for the Gut Check if they want a shot in the future. Tens of independent stars are signing up right now as we speak.

MATCH 4: Alex Silva vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)
Al Snow is taking over for Mike Tenay on commentary for this match. E slaps Silva. Silva slaps E. Silva looks like a monkey. He throws a few really weak punches and a clothesline for a 0-count. E hits a clothesline and a bunch of weak kicks. This could headline flea markets all over the country. E with a double axe handle and a back elbow. E with a bodyslam, a knee lift and another bodyslam. E goes to the middle rope, but misses the elbow drop. Silva hits a pair of back elbows and a powerslam. He goes to the middle, but E moves out of the way, kicks him in the gut and hits a punch. The camera awkwardly cuts to a shot of some fans who look terribly bored. E hits a weak implant DDT and gets the 3.

WINNER: Robbie E. Al Snow tells us to email TNA and let them know what we think of Alex Silva. I think I can speak for the other 9 people watching this show when I say that, Silva, you are only embarrassing yourself.

Dixie Carter is telling Anonymous Interviewer about what she’ll miss about Eric Bischoff. Basically, she sarcastically says she’ll miss everything about him, before saying “Pretty much nothing.” Ha! That was so clever.

We see Hulk Hogan in his office, talking to the possible challengers for the Tag Team titles. He lists off the “so many great teams” on the roster, which consist of the Motor City Machine Guns, the mash-up team of Anderson & Jeff Hardy, Kazarian & Christopher Daniels (who have barely teamed since this angle started) and ODB & Eric Young. This is your TNA tag team division, folks. Hogan asks Daniels why his team deserves the shot. Daniels points out the Guns lost at Lockdown. He says in ODB, one of them is a man, and the other has a bad beard. He calls Anderson a “potty mouth”, saying he and Hardy hate each other. Chris Sabin points out the Guns’ accolades, saying they want it more than anyone else. Hogan then calls Hardy and Anderson two of the greatest pieces of talent in history. Anderson kisses Hardy and say he loves him. Apparently, that’s his reason for deserving a shot. As Hogan is asking ODB and Young if they’re ready, you can see that he’s stoned out of his mind. Young says they’re undefeated, and they’re already champions. Hogan tells the Guns they are out of the competition due to Shelley’s knee being bad after Lockdown, but he’ll make his final decision later tonight. Makes sense-eliminate the best team on the roster and one of the best in the world. Good decision.

Brooke Tessmacher makes her way down, calling for a microphone on the way. The former notch on Batista’s bedpost says the entire wrestling world is talking about how she pinned Gail Kim last week. Except no one is talking about that. At all. People are saying it was a fluke (bingo). She’s here to prove that was no fluke, that she’s no fluke, and she’s not a pair of ASS-ets. Oh, that was so good. It may not be a championship match, but she’s calling out Gail Kim’s “high maintenance…self…” out here now.

MATCH 4: Brooke Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Tessy tries to charge in before the bell, but referee Earl Hebner keeps them separated. He then rings the bell after Kim decks Tessy in the back of the head. Kim throws her into the corners a couple of times before whipping her face-first into the mat. Kim botches a running clothesline for 2. Kim slaps her in the face and kicks her in the ribs. Another corner whip, followed by a corner clothesline? I guess? I don’t know. It looked bad. Kim’s off her game tonight. Tessy moves out of the way of a second charge, and fires off some punches. Corner whip by Tessy, but Kim counters with a running clothesline. That one looked better. Kim slams Tessy’s head into the mat before stomping on her. She gets Tessy up in a fireman’s carry, and just releases her face-first. Tessy fights back from her knees, hitting some forearms and a pair of running clotheslines. She hits the Eve Torres Dropsh*t, but Kim sidesteps her on a charge, sending her throat-first into the ropes. Kim gets her in the corner and applies a foot choke. She grabs the title belt and shoves it in Tessy’s face before calling her a “piece of sh*t”. Kim hits the running shoulder in the corner, then goes up top for a seated dropkick. Tessy moves and hits a back suplex into a facebuster for 3.

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WINNER: Brooke Tessmacher. Guess she finally upgraded her finisher from the small package.

Up next, Hogan eliminates the second team for the Tag Team title match tonight. I’m on the edge of my seat here.

Anonymous Interviewer is asking Daniels and Kazarian if they’ll get the title match tonight. Daniels says of course. Kazarian makes reference to “a disturbance in the force”, saying AJ Styles isn’t here tonight, but he better show up next week, or they let the “kitty out of the bag”. Kazarian, quit trying to be a nerd. You’re a total dork and a tool, and it’s time you accepted that.

We get video from last week, when RVD became the new #1 contender for the World title, despite really not having done anything at all for months. Just like last year! Hooray for fresh ideas!

We see Al Snow talking to Alex Silva. He hopes Silva realizes the chance he got, and he’ll talk to the other judges and get back to Silva next week with their decision. World Champion Bobby Roode walks in. He calls Silva the “Gut Check kid” before introducing himself. Silva had a chance at a contract tonight. Does he know how long it took Roode to get a contract, to even get seen in this company? He wishes Silva luck before telling him he always has to be ready for the unexpected. Roode then punches him in the stomach.

We’re now back in Hogan’s office with the title contenders. He singles out ODB and Eric Young, saying they’ve “over-trained”. Okay. They’re out of the running for tonight. As Young walks away, his bacne is more prevalent than ever. Hogan tells the two remaining teams to head to the ring, as he’ll make his decision there.

Great. We’ve got Garett Bischoff talking to Anonymous Interviewer now. He’s putting in his two cents about Eric Bischoff now. I’m sure you can guess everything that the face son will say about the heel dad, so I’m not recapping it. I’ve had enough of this asshat.

We see Bully Ray in the back, talking on his cellphone to his girlfriend or whatever. Joseph Abyss walks in and introduces himself. He says it’s a pleasure to meet Ray. Ray responds with, “Of course it is.” Abyss says Ray might know the whereabouts of himself. Ray doesn’t know anything, but if he didn’t, he wouldn’t say anything. Abyss hands him his card, asking him if he knows any information on the whereabouts of himself, Ray should give him a call. Ray tells him to “shove it”. Abyss laughs.

The World Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe make their way out to the ring, as it’s time to find out who their opponents are for the night. Christopher Daniels and Kazarian make their way out next, followed by Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. And, because he has to be out last, Hulk Hogan finally makes his way out. As everyone else is in the ring, he stays on the stage to make his announcement. He wants everyone to know that the atmosphere for Open Fight Night is even wilder in the back than it has been for everyone out here, brother. This decision for the title match has been his toughest decision of the night. Basically, he says he doesn’t like Kazarian and Daniels, but at the same time, Anderson and Hardy can’t work together. Much like Kurt Angle turning face, since when? Anyway, because of this, um, logic?, Hogan says that Anderson and Hardy get the title match. Oh, and in case you weren’t sure it was Open Fight Night, Hogan has said it about 812 times during this broadcast.

MATCH 5-World Tag Team Championship: Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson
Taz just referred to this as “Crash TV”. I thought Vince Russo left? Joe starts off with Anderson, backs him into the corner and punches him down. Anderson returns the favor before tripping Joe for 2. Anderson with an arm wringer as Hardy asks for a tag. Anderson ignores it, allowing Joe to tag in Magnus. Anderson tags in Hardy by shoving him. Magnus with a punch and some corner kicks. Hardy catches a headscissors out of the corner and a reverse enziguri for 2. Hardy with an arm wringer as he tags in Anderson. The challengers try a double-team, but Magnus fights them both off and tags in Joe. Joe comes in and runs into a back elbow from Anderson as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Joe is back in control. He throws Anderson to his corner and tags in Magnus. Magnus runs into a trip by Anderson, who turns it into a side headlock. Hardy tags in, hits an inverted atomic drop, a double legdrop and a seated dropkick. Magnus rolls to the outside, and Hardy follows. Joe manages to level Hardy with a clothesline on the outside as Magnus rolls back in the ring. Joe rolls Hardy into the ring for a 2 by Magnus. Joe tags in, and the champions hit the inverted atomic drop/bit boot/running senton series for 2. Joe with a headbutt before throwing Hardy to the corner. Hardy gets his elbow up on a charge, then blows Whisper in the Wind (as always), taking Joe down. Anderson and Magnus both tag in. Anderson hits a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson goes for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Joe charges at him. Anderson drops Magnus and hits Joe with a clothesline. Anderson charges in at Magnus, but Magnus sidesteps, sending Anderson to the floor. Hardy sends Magnus to the floor. Joe hits Hardy with a powerslam for 2, even though neither are legal. Joe picks Hardy up, but Hardy hits a sit-out jawbreaker and the Twist of Fate. Outside the ring, Magnus sends Anderson into the stairs. Hardy gets distracted and nails Magnus with a running clothesline from the apron. Anderson slides back in the ring and goes for the Mic Check. Joe reverses, but Anderson reverses as well into a roll-up. Joe turns the roll-up into the Kokina Clutch, and Anderson taps out.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. At least the right team went over here. Considering what company this is, it wouldn’t have surprised me if Hardy and Anderson won the belts and then held them for the next two years. As the champs are making their way back up the ramp, they’re attacked by Daniels and Kazarian.

Ric Flair’s going-away party for Eric Bischoff is up next. Because it would be stupid to have a match close the show when a Flair/Bischoff party has been promised. Ratings!

They’ve laid out the red canvas in the ring, and filled it with a random fancy chair, a podium and a picture of Eric Bischoff on an easel. Ric Flair comes out, flanked by Bully Ray, Gunner, Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. The camera zooms in on Ray’s face for some reason, and he’s starting to look really old. Flair says we’re here tonight not to mourn, but to celebrate, and no one alive knows how to celebrate more than him. Google him. That’s his wife’s favorite line, apparently. We’re celebrating Eric Bischoff tonight. If you have any knowledge of this sport, Eric has been a major impact player, no pun intended. More stupid “na na na na” chants. And people wonder why Flair doesn’t like wrestling fans. They are the rudest people he’s ever met. And now, a man who has impacted TNA Wrestling more than anyone, Mr. Eric Bischoff. As Eric comes out, I notice that his name on his entrance “video” has been blurred, despite the fact that they’ve been saying and showing his name uncensored Ad nauseum all night.

Eric takes his seat in the fancy chair. Flair says he needs to tell Eric what Eric has meant to him, as well as to the other men in the ring and the hundreds who have worked for him. Dixie Carter should be on her knees thanking Eric for the day he came to him. Even though Flair doesn’t like Hogan, Eric is the reason Hogan is here, and more importantly, he’s the reason Flair’s here. These gentlemen here all know what Eric’s done for them as individuals. Flair asks if there are any women in the audience who want to go home and sleep with Eric tonight, meaning he wants to give one of them the poster. Flair then thanks everyone, and hopes everyone knows and appreciates what Eric has done in this business. Gunner then grabs the microphone. He says it’s a sad day for all of us. Eric’s been like a father figure to him and has given him nothing but opportunities. Flair then presents Eric with a gift on behalf of everyone in the ring. It’s a Rolex watch. Bully Ray says he’s never admitted this to another man before, but Eric is the wind beneath his wings. Ray then hugs Eric as Daniels fake cries.

Garett Bischoff’s music hits, and he comes out with Jeremy Borash, Austin Aries, the Motor City Machine Guns and Rob Van Dam. He says JB has a really good idea. If this is really Eric’s last night, they all wanted to pitch in and get him a farewell gift. Again, the crowd is so into Garett, they’re chanting “RVD! RVD!” Borash says that, although Eric’s Rolex is nice, they have something more symbolic. Tonight, they’d like induct him into the “TNA Shed of Shame”. We see SoCal Val somewhere else in the arena by a curtain, and the curtain pulls back to reveal a yellow port-a-John. The heels and faces begin brawling as Garett grabs his dad in a headlock and drags him to the toilet, where Borash opens the door and helps shove Eric in. They lock a chain around it as Garett pretends that the crowd gives a flying damn about him. Borash and Garett then push the toilet over, and we see a puddle of poop below where it was sitting, because poop=comedy. Eric manages to climb out, and he’s covered in more poop, making things so much more hilarious.

End of show.

What’s left to say, Mama Walton?

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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If you watched Impact Wrestling last Thursday night (the nine of you besides me), you heard Hulk Hogan’s “big announcement” about the title pictures in TNA. If you didn’t watch the show (everyone else), allow me to fill you in. Hogan called all current champions into the ring-save for ODB and Eric Young, because they were on their “Honeymoon”-and told them that, starting next week, TNA would feature “Open Fight Night” once a month.

What is “Open Fight Night”? There are a couple of aspects to it. First off, each OFN, a wrestler outside of the company will get a tryout match, and if Hogan and three unnamed judges like what they see from said competitor, he or she will be offered a TNA contract. Second, anyone can challenge anyone else on that night, and if the challenged wrestler is in the building, he or she has to accept and take the match. Furthermore, if a champion is challenged, the match is automatically for the title.

This might sound like a decent concept on paper, and it could be. However, the chances of that are very slim, and the reason for that is quite simple. Any time TNA announces a major change, specifically involving increased competition and a bigger focus on championships, they keep it going for a couple of weeks before forgetting about it altogether. Don’t believe me? Take a look at TNA’s track record. In the past, TNA has increased focus on both the tag team and X-Divisions.

It works for a few weeks, getting fans all excited with promises of more action and deeper divisions. And then…nothing. It’s forgotten about in a few weeks, and we’re back to square one. Look at TNA’s current tag team division. The champions are mash-up team of two guys who were doing nothing as singles wrestlers in Samoa Joe and Magnus (although I admit they make a surprisingly good team), and their only challengers are the awfulness known as Mexican America, the Motor City Machine Guns (who have only had one run as champs despite being one of the best teams in the world), and, to a much lesser extent, the Robbies.

As for the X-Division, despite the fact that the current champion, Austin Aries, is one of the best wrestlers/performers in the world, the belt is being treated like an afterthought. Instead of being in awesome, highly competitive matches like he should be, he’s instead stuck in a meaningless, go nowhere feud with Bully Ray that will likely see him get buried due to Dixie Carter’s girl boner for Ray. And it hasn’t just started with him; the belt has been nothing but a prop for most guys for quite a while right now, bouncing around from guys who aren’t in the company anymore (Daivari and Brian Kendrick), to “comedy” acts (Eric Young), to guys who have absolutely no business holding the belt (Abyss). And the Knockouts aren’t safe, either. The tag team titles were added to that division because, at one point, there was admittedly a lot of depth. Now, there are two regular teams and the belts are held by a “comedy” act, with one half not even being female.

Anyone remember the “TNA Power 10”? No? Didn’t think so. Let me refresh your memory. When Eric Bischoff first took over as the TV figurehead for the company, he created the “Power 10”, a top 10 list that would be constantly updated based on win/loss records and performances, with the 10 men on the list being considered the top 10 challengers for the World Championship. Again, it was kept around for a couple of weeks, and then never mentioned ever again. It was never explained why it was dropped or where the guys on the list would go from there in regards to challenging for the belt.

Most of them have gone onto do nothing but flounder in the mid-card since then, not even getting within sniffing distance of a World Championship match. Sadly, this isn’t even the first time this kind of thing has happened, either. During the weekly PPV days, TNA once tried this same thing using a Russo brain-fart, the “Reverse Battle Royal”. The first 10 men to get in the ring would be in a gauntlet match following, with the order of elimination equaling the placement in the top 10, with the winner becoming the number-one contender to TNA’s then-main title, the NWA World Championship. I can’t remember who won (I believe it was Ron “R-Truth” Killings), but I do remember that the title match was never happened, and the rankings were completely forgotten immediately following that match.

As you can see, TNA’s track record for this kind of thing is far from stellar. They can slap whatever name they want on it now, but it’s still going to be the same thing we’ve seen over and over again. As I’ve said before, I would love nothing more than for TNA to succeed. I know it doesn’t seem like it in my columns, but it is true. The U.S. needs a strong number 2 promotion, and based on their funding, TNA is the best chance of that happening. On paper, OFN sounds like a great idea, and a pretty good concept that could really help things out. However, based on TNA’s past, I’m not holding my breath on it succeeding.

Hogan said this would happen at least once a month from now on. If this thing goes past 3 months, I will be absolutely shocked. I guess time will tell, but for now-because watching TNA has programmed me to do so-there is very little hope.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

-Dustin

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-I kinda hope WWE and USA collaborate for another Tough Enough, just so the advertisements can say “Last year’s winner Adam Leavine? Fired before he made it to the main roster! Who will be the NEXT individual that disappoints?”

-Another three hour Raw; another show where the first hour’s rating will suck and thus create flame wars internet-wide (“WWE’s dying!” “Nuh uh!” “Yuh huh!”), and another show with probably enough filler to make school cafeteria hot dogs. Eh well, I’m pretty amped about Lesnar/Cena and Punk/Jericho on Sunday. Hell, I’m even excited about Bryan/Sheamus, just to see a 36 second two/three falls match. Extreme Rules with the Chicago crowd oughta be tight.

-Live from Detroit, where nary a face bore surprise when Metta World Peace clocked James Harden a day ago.

Opening Segment: The Contract Signing
Boy I hope this doesn’t get a crap rating, just because not everyone’s going to remember Raw’s on an hour earlier tonight. Teddy Long is here to moderate, and immediately messes up on listing Cena’s accolades, thus getting us off to a rip-roaring start. Cena wearing a faux-Celtics logo tee in a city where Bird and McHale fought Isiah and Dumars shouldn’t bode well. Crowd boos “UFC” when mentioned by Long, and Lesnar is absent. Instead, we get Laurinaitis to yell at Long that Lesnar isn’t here yet, and that the signing will take place later. They will sign it on “Brock’s terms”, and Ace tells Long to kick Cena out of the ring. We need more WWE Films with Johnny Ace playing lead villain, starting with a remake of Happy Gilmore and Ace as Shooter. Oh, and Edge is here for some reason, not that I’m complaining too much. Edge reveals his contract expires in a few days, and he’s here to talk to Cena. Edge doesn’t know who Cena is anymore, because the Cena he remembers took him to the limit in 2006. Edge seems pretty vehement about this. Edge even points out that Brock doesn’t care about WWE, the way Edge and Cena did as kids. Edge punctuates with “I’m not asking you to beat Brock Lesnar; I’m telling you to!”
Segment Rating: 7/10. Wish the crowd was livelier, but Edge was great as the fallen motivator. It does beg the question as to whether or not Cena will actually alter his persona long-term to fit this direction.

Match 1: Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston
Well it’s a three hour show; may as well be some wrestling somewhere. WWE.com asks if Jericho is the new “Cerebral Assassin”, which he isn’t since he’s not allowed to even kiss Stephanie. Very faint Kofi chants, despite him not having a gimmick alteration in over two years. Nice monkey flip from Kofi, followed by the 1980’s arm drag/dropkick barrage. Kingston even gets a nice fake dive, bouncing his own head off the top rope. Jericho takes over, and it’s refreshing to actually hear Cole and Lawler discuss how Punk may have the home-crowd advantage next week, as opposed to going into Tweets and that crap. Leapfrogs and back elbow get two for Kofi, who is then immediately planted with a free fall. Kingston lands a beautiful flip dive as we hit the mid-match commercial. We return to Jericho working a chinlock, precipitated during the break by Jericho’s springboard dropkick. Kofi gets free and lands a twisting roll-up for 2. Jericho regains control with a surfboard, and lands the bulldog, but the lionsault fails, with Kofi getting a rana for 2. Controlled Frenzy ensues, but Jericho lands a clothesline to prevent the Boom Drop. Kofi manages a crossbody, but Jericho rolls through for 2. Kingston responds with a wicked SOS for 2. Kingston follows with a crossbody to the BACK, then a Boom Drop. Trouble blocked, and Jericho tries the Walls, only to be thrown off. Kingston tries a springboard in, and Jericho catches him with the Codebreaker, but opts not to cover. Lion Tamer applied and Kofi taps to end a damn good match.
WINNER: Chris Jericho via Lion Tamer
Rating: 8/10. Good match, about ***1/4ish, though I’m a bit tired seeing Kofi as the modern Tito Santana. I miss his 2009 push.

-Jericho gets the stick afterward, and guarantees victory on Sunday. Well that’s in line with the 50/50 booking this company purveys. More running down of the Punk family ensues. Jericho promises a gift for Punk. I hope it’s Abdullah the Butcher in a giant gift box!

-Brock video package, showing him annihilating Jeff Hardy at Backlash 2002. Anytime the Hardyz get wrecked in the ring is pretty okay by me.

Plug: A look at how WWE makes the mistake of pushing gimmick matches than the wrestlers themselves, and how it’s shaped some recent buyrate woes. http://bluebarcage.blogspot.com/2012/04/part-where-wwe-fails-most.html

-John Laurinaitis has an opening for Eve. Funny, when she was hired, it was the other way around. So Eve’s now part of Ace’s cabinet. I suspect bitchy things will happen.

-The awesome Lesnar video from last week is played in full, thus showing the perils of a three hour show. Hey guys, you have 25 talents that never get to be on Raw, and are instead picking up scraps on Superstars and on Smackdown’s quad-annual battle royals. Use em!

-CM Punk comments on Jericho’s taunts, including the “gift” which is a liquor gift basket. He lets Josh Mathews have his pick of the stash, wishing him a Joyous Kwanzaa. Good stuff.

Match 2: R-Truth vs. Lord TENSAI
This was a main event on Heat in 2000, I’m sure. Truth gets a high heel kick, but the monster responds with a palm uppercut. Truth is cornered with repeated strikes as the YES chants finally start. Delayed underhook drop connects, followed by the layout senton. Bullet Train Wreck connects, but Truth manages to not have the match stopped. Myst-Claw STO drops Truth for the loss.
WINNER: Lord TENSAI via Myst-Claw STO
Rating: 3/10. Short but effective. I like monster heels, and squashes are okay with me.

In-Ring Segment: Kane
Kane calls Sunday night “his favorite night of the year”. I miss Backlash, too. Oh, but he means it’s a night of no rules. “Orton can’t beat me in a match WITH rules, let alone without them!” What about the No DQ match after WrestleMania? Kane rambles on, nightmares, Orton’s a boy, hopes the monster will go away, yada yada yada. Orton pops on the tron, wearing his misshapen beard once more. And he’s got Paul Bearer in a wheelchair as revenge. He shoves the bound Bearer into a freezer to try and lure Kane backstage, but Kane laughs it off. Great, first Undertaker kills Paul, and now Kane will. Orton hits the ring anyway, grabs a lead pipe, and attacks to hard sell for Sunday.
Segment Rating: 4/10. The mind games would have been fine if the storyline wasn’t so loose and cheesy. Speaking of loose and cheesy, I hope Kelly Kelly’s not wrestling tonight.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

-Alex Riley reports to Chris Jericho that he caught CM Punk drinking, and Jericho catches Punk sipping from a solo cup. Question: why does Punk’s personal locker room have clothing in 5 different cubby lockers?

Match 3: Alberto Del Rio/Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show/Great Khali
Del Rio’s the newest member of Friday Night Smackdown, so of course he’s on Raw. Seriously, we do they even assign wrestlers to brands? Rhodes takes on Show Sunday, with the stipulation to be determined. Lawler: “Great Khali fingering Cody Rhodes there” DATS NOT PG. Khali attacks Rhodes for the sneak attack on Friday, and Rhodes wisely tags Del Rio, who doesn’t fare any better, and we go to commercial. Khali gets a match long enough for a commercial interruption? HAS DETROIT NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH?! We return to Khali laying down. Well, at least he can’t mess that up. Show gets a fairly hot tag (really!), and he beats up Del Rio for causing Ricardo to run his leg over. A year ago. Show takes a bump to the floor and tweaks his knee, then barely beats the count in. Rhodes works the legs upon being tagged in. Rhodes and Del Rio take turns working Show over, as we actually have a tag team match worthy of two heat segments! And KHALI is involved! Del Rio applies a scissored kneebar and the crowd actually rallies for Show. Rhodes avoids a chokeslam and gets a FIGURE FOUR on Show! Show finally breaks with a hard right hand. Del Rio has enough of Show’s resilience, and he and Ricardo take a powder. Khali lands a skull chop, and Show chokeslams to end.
WINNERS: Big Show and Great Khali via chokeslam
RATING: 7/10. Good lord, that was a good match until the cheap ending! We need more old school formula tags!

-Santino will defend the US Title vs. Miz as a YouTube exclusive before the PPV Sunday. On the one hand, it’s a bit insulting to both men; on the other, internet will replace PPV one day anyway, so the change is necessary.

-Jericho rats out Punk to Laurinaitis, and demands he be stripped of the gold. Eve says a WWE talent can be stripped of his gold if he drinks within 12-hour window of a show. BAHAHAHAHAHA! So Jericho talks Ace into forcing Punk into a FIELD SOBRIETY TEST. RATINGS GRABBER AND A HALF. And Teddy Long has to tell Punk.

-Brock Lesnar arrives, and he immediately savages Josh Mathews for daring ask questions. Works fine by me.

Mathews does a stretcher job after the commercial, because Brock is just that bad ass. Alastair Overeem snickers from afar, while he plots better ways to pass piss tests.

Match 4: Beth Phoenix vs. Nikki Bella (WWE Divas Championship)
The Bellas pre-match stretch is certainly uplifting. Eve Torres joins us pre-match, maybe to extend the Divas airtime for a change, and she makes the match a lumberjills match. Hey, Tamina Snuka’s still alive! And the world could use more of Maxine’s tight body. Josh Mathews is trending. HA HA, HE MIGHT BE DEAD, IT’S SO GREAT THAT HE’S TRENDING! Nikki gets press slammed and battered. I’m a little lost; this is the longest free-TV Divas match is forever, so I’m partially stunned. Even the commentators seem surprised. Nikki escapes a Glam Slam and gets a face plant for 2. Nikki falls to the floor, on the only side with no lumberjills, and Beth appears to legit injure her ankle getting out of the ring. Nikki rolls an injured Beth up to win the title.
WINNER: Nikki Bella via rollup (new WWE Divas Champion)
Rating: 3/10. That’s gonna suck if Beth is injured as Kharma prepares to return. Seems like it’s real too. Damn.

-Punk is “drunk” backstage, and is unhappy about taking a sobriety test. Wait for it….

Field Sobriety Test: CM Punk vs. Sobriety
There is a RED LINE in the middle of the ring, which I’m sure Punk can carry to a **1/2 match. Jericho is here to make sure there’s no chicanery. CM Punk is the first man to ever have theme music for a field sobriety test. That should be on his headstone. Punk has to recite the alphabet backward, and the cop trusts him with his own microphone. Punk makes a mockery, skipping Y twice, and points out how stupid it is. Punk now has to walk the line. “I DIDN’T SEE THE LINE; THE LINE’S NEVER THERE!” Punk even does the crane technique to be silly, and can’t walk it without wobbling. The cops believe he’s drunk, which makes them inept, and Long asks for Punk to hand over the title, and Punk…..does? But before Long can hand the title to Jericho, Punk asks for one more chance. And this time, he nails the alphabet (well, getting S and T backward) AND walks the line (FLAIR STRUT) to massive cheers and YESses, before beating the crap out of Jericho. Thus Punk is still champion.
WINNER: CM Punk via alphabet recitation/line walking (Still WWE Champion)
Rating: 7/10. It was dumb, but only Punk can make a dumb segment like that work. But if he got S and T backward, shouldn’t Jericho be champion? Wait, what the HELL am I talking about?

-Video of Brock killing Hulk Hogan in 2002. Let’s see what other current TNA guys he’s murdered!

Match 5: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry (non title match)
The guest referee is…..DANIEL BRYAN! Michael Cole cheering for Daniel Bryan seems so wrong. Ahh, and if Sheamus STRIKES AN OFFICIAL, he’s fired. Power struggle kicks things off, with both men exchanging strikes, and Bryan forcibly pulls Sheamus away. He even dares Sheamus to hit him. Sheamus avoids doing so, but Henry flattens Sheamus with a simple strike, and Bryan fast counts the fall. Sheamus attacks Bryan, which is legal with the match over. Henry eats a Brogue Kick, and Bryan manages the YES Lock on Sheamus. More boos mixed in this time with the YES chants.
WINNER: Mark Henry via running strike/fast count
Rating: 4/10. Serviceable segment to sell Sunday’s match.

-Sheamus informs Matt Striker that D-Bry better start praying.

Match 6: Colon Blow vs. Zack Ryder/Santino Marella (Non Title Match)
Ryder and Santino are a super team, forged after the dissolution of Marella/Kozlov and Ryder/Hawkins. Really. Ryder is in peril as Santino rallies the crowd. Weren’t Santino and Rosa an item at one point? Primo misses a springboard corkscrew, allowing Ryder to make the lukewarm tag. The usual connects, and the Cobra comes out. Epico takes a spill, and Santino rolls through Primo’s dropkick, landing the Cobra to win.
WINNERS: Zack Ryder/Santino Marella via Cobra
Rating: 3/10. Either make this a legit feud, or find something better for the champs to do. Fat chance, I know.

Plug II: My mocking of TNA Impact via silly captions. Tell your friends! http://bluebarcage.blogspot.com/2012/04/tna-impact-41912-caption-crazy-funtime.html

-Kane finds Paul Bearer in the freezer, and then decides to leave him in there. Because he’s EVIL.

-Abraham Washington talks to Epico and Primo, demanding to know why they had their entrance during commercial break. Man has a point.

Match 7: Taco Bell Dorito Loco Sponsorship Match: Brodus Clay/Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger
I’d need to eat 45 Dorito Locos a day to have an ass the size of Naomi’s. And why do we need sponsors for individual matches? Eve’s promos could be sponsored by No-Doze. At least Vickie’s looking MILFeriffically leggy tonight. The usual heel-humors-the-midget match ensues, with Horny getting a headscissors. Clay lays out Swagger with the power offense, and gets Ziggler with the ramming headbutt. Vickie runs in and slaps Brodus, but is cornered by the funky quartet. Hilarity ensues, as she tries to dance, but Hornswoggle bites her ass. Taco Bell is so proud.
WINNERS: Brodus Clay/Hornswoggle via DQ
Rating: 1/10. Naomi is a guaranteed 1 each time.

-Just to complete the “Brock kills TNA guys” trilogy, Brock is shown beating Angle at WM19, with the shooting star edited out. Coming up, footage of Brock Lesnar breaking into Gunner’s house and MURDERING HIM!

-I love you Sarah Shahi. That is all.

-Same Brock video package from last week again. Tyler Reks must be feeling REALLY useless.

Main Event Contract Signing
Laurinaitis is out first to preside. That music is just uber-spiffy. He introduces the man he guarantees will be WWE’s “new face” in Lesnar. And then Cena is introduced to a mixed reaction, but he’s nowhere to be found. Lesnar calls Cena out, and is annoyed that Laurinaitis flew him in for this. But with Cena absent, Lesnar has his own business to discuss with Laurinaitis. Lesnar begins to hardball Laurinaitis for some last minute demands. #1: Lesnar wants more say in WWE policy, particularly involving him. #2: He wants Vince McMahon’s private jet for transportation. Lesnar admits that he ‘doesn’t like people’, so #3: He shows up to Raw whenever he feels like it. #4: He wants more money. Crowd isn’t liking any of this. Holy crap, they may actually have found a way to get Cena over as a face. Well, until the Chicago crowd gets involved, anyway. #5: The show has to be renamed “Monday Night Raw, Starring Brock Lesnar.” I LOVE THAT ONE. That’s completely outside the box from their usual safe, paint-by-numbers booking. Laurinaitis agrees under duress. Lesnar happily signs, and this brings Cena out, complete with his old school masterlock chain. Long staredown ensues, and Lesnar threatens him with fists. Cena stalls on signing, and Lesnar tries to goad him into signing. Lesnar claims Cena is scared, sensing the fear radiating off of him. Cena finally signs the paper and hurls it at Lesnar, then both men cock their fists back; Cena armed with the chain. Table gets turned, and Lesnar walks out to further the head games.
Segment Rating: 10/10. Finally, a real villain, and Cena looks like a real hero for once. The build for this is WAY better than the Rock/Cena build. Easily.

OVERALL: A lot of bad on this show (three hour shows never sit well), but there was plenty of good. Jericho/Kingston and the Show/Khali/Rhodes/ADR tag were good matches, Punk was entertaining during the sobriety test, and Cena/Brock gave Sunday’s show a big fight feel.

Really, this could have been accomplished with a two hour show, but I’ll take it. Really amped for Sunday, just to see what the big two matches deliver.

Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.

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Welcome to the 4-19-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Lockdown 2012 is in the books, and from what I’ve seen and heard, it was a pretty awful show. Gee, a show overloaded with cage matches. Who would guess that it wouldn’t be very good? I know I was dying to see Robbie E vs. Devon in a cage match. Wasn’t everyone else?

The show opens with highlights from the PPV, namely the Roode/Storm match that saw Roode retain the title. I love how the highlights pretty much show nothing but Storm firing off Last Calls. As I’ve said before, TNA seems hell-bent on making Storm a one-move wrestler.

In the Impact Zone, Roode is making his way down to the ring. He’s sporting a new look, as the pseudo-mullet has been replaced with a standard, close-cropped ‘do. Roode says that, although the appearance has changed, ladies and gentleman, the champ is still the same. He is still the “IT factor” of professional wrestling, the leader of the “selfish generation”, and most importantly, still YOUR World Heavyweight Champion. And it feels so good to be your champion. He came out several weeks ago and promised everyone that he would walk into Lockdown and defeat James Storm in front of his friends, family and fans in his own backyard of Nashville, and he made good on his promise. He has to give James Storm credit; he promised everyone he’d give Roode the Last Call, and Storm nailed him with it. But, with that kick, Storm sealed his fate. He destroyed his dreams and destiny, as Roode is still standing here as champion. Roode has defeated every one of the fans’ heroes-Storm, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy and Sting. As far as Roode is concerned, there are no more heroes left for him to beat.

Mr. Anderson’s dumbass music as he walks his stupid self down to the ring, looking all angrypants. Anderson tells Roode to shut the hell up. Anderson is going to beat his ass (un-bleeped this time), bloody his face, and take his title. Anderson doesn’t need a bunch of weapons, including a beer bottle, to do it. Roode says that, while Anderson has been sitting at home in Green Bay, Roode’s been here, being the most dominant champion in the company’s history. There’s a lot of guys in line way ahead of Anderson, so he needs to grab a ticket and head to the back of the line.

Jeff Hardy now limps his way out to the ring, who beat up the walking injury known as Kurt Angle at the PPV. Hardy says Roode is champion only because of Angle, and Hardy now has Angle out of the way. Anderson tells Hardy he was here first. Hardy says it’s his turn. They then bitch and moan about who should be the first in line for a match as Roode eggs them both on. We see Hulk Hogan up on the big screen, who is apparently standing in front of a green screen for some reason. He says he wants all of the TNA champions in the ring later tonight for a major announcement, including Roode. As for Hardy and Anderson, they’ll face each other tonight to determine a new #1 contender for the title.

Kurt Angle will also face AJ Styles later tonight, and we’ll be “treated” to a tag team match up next, as Bully Ray and Crimson will take on Austin Aries and Matt Morgan. One of these things is not like the others.

Off topic for a second, in case anyone was wondering, Mass Effect 3 is completely amazing thus far. This series is one of my all-time favorites in all of gaming history.

MATCH 1: Crimson and Bully Ray vs. Matt Morgan and World X-Division Champion Austin Aries
Christy Hemme, I don’t need to know the specific section of Brooklyn that Crimson is from, neither does anyone else. Morgan and Crimson start off by trading blows. Morgan shoulders him down, followed by a clothesline and a knee lift. Morgan hits a swinging side slam as he sets up for the Carbon Footprint. Crimson ducks, and Morgan gets crotched on the ropes. Ray hotshots the leg over the top rope, taking Morgan down. That was one of the slowest pump kick attempts I’ve ever seen. Crimson is working over the leg now. Morgan fights back with some punches, but Crimson ducks a discus clothesline and catches Morgan with an exploder suplex. I swear that’s one of the only move Crimson knows. Ray tags in and keeps working over the leg. Ray forgets how to put on a leglock before he punches Morgan in the knee. Crimson back in, who hits a leg DDT before locking in a grapevine. Morgan gets to the ropes to break the hold. Ray tags back in, and hits a rolling snap on the leg. Taz just compared Ray to Mil Mascaras with that move as I begin choking on my own bile. Crimson tags back in, and they do a wishbone on Morgan. Crimson bounces off the ropes and runs into Morgan, who attempted to hit the discus, but was completely out of place and basically hit a spinning shoulderblock instead. Way to go, genius. Morgan makes it to his corner and tags in the greatest man alive. Ray also tags in, where he’s beat on by Aries. Crimson tries to attack from behind, and Aries takes him down with a bunch of kicks. Aries jumps off Crimson’s back into some mounted punches on Ray in the corner. Aries ducks a spear attempt by Crimson, who ends up spearing Ray. Morgan takes Crimson out with a clothesline over the top rope, followed by a suicide dive from Aries. Aries hits a rolling elbow on Ray and a corner dropkick. Aries sets up for the brainbuster, but Ray rolls through into a schoolboy and nearly pulls Aries tights off (and weirdly stares at Aries’ ass) as the referee counts to 3.

WINNERS: Bully Ray.

We see the totally not overrated and deserving Garett Bischoff walking around in the back, making his way towards the Impact Zone. He’ll be out to address a bunch of people who don’t give a damn next. Speaking of Garett Bischoff, if you want to see something entertaining in regards to him (believe it or not, one such thing does exist), go to Twitter and read Scott Steiner’s rants about him and his father. Although Steiner is normally delightfully batsh*t insane, he’s right on the money in regards to Garett.

In the back, Anonymous Interviewer stops Jeff Hardy to ask whose turn it is next, his or Anderson’s. He says it’s his. Anderson deserves a chance, too, and Hogan made the right decision tonight.

Garett Bischoff makes his way out, and he’s flanked by Anderson, AJ Styles and Rob Van Dam. One fan in the crowd has an oh-so intelligent sign that says “Bye-bye, Eric B*******”. Whatever. Garett is so over, the crowd immediately begins chanting “RVD! RVD!” Garett says Sunday was one of the biggest nights of his life. As a team, they went out there, fought a hell of a fight, came out on top, and together, they were victorious, getting rid of Eric Bischoff once and for all. He thanks all three of the guys in the ring before shaking their hands. Styles says he speaks for everyone when he says Garett has some balls. He took a beating, he got back up, showed heart and cracked a guitar over his dad’s head.

Because the segment’s already going so well, Ric Flair makes his way onto the stage. First of all, Garett is so nervous, he’s stumbling all over himself. Second of all, the collection of talent in the ring is only here because of Eric Bischoff (Bischoff, in this case, was bleeped, because we’re not supposed to hear that name anymore. Because we all care so much). Eric was one of the greatest innovators in the history of this business. Garett is a disrespectful disgrace and a punk. And these guys siding with him look like punks, too. Next week, Flair is having a tribute to Eric (bleep). He’s hosting it, he’ll be drinking at it, and the four of them need to find something else to do, because they’re not invited. And he is pissed off. Woooo! How is it that Flair, one of the greatest promo guys of all time, is now unbearable to listen to? Oh, and Eric Bischoff’s name was bleeped about 100 times during this segment, so expect him back really soon.

Kazarian is in the back, and much like Bobby Roode, he’s got a new look as well. In this case, though, it’s not an improvement. He looks like he should be the focus of an episode of “To Catch a Predator”. He tells Anonymous Interviewer he’s got someone who has something to say, and walks over to Christopher Daniels, who is leaning against a locker. Everyone wants to know what secret Daniels is holding over Kazarian. Well, the secret wasn’t about Kazarian; it was about AJ Styles, and based on some information he has on a piece of paper in his hand, maybe tonight’s the night to tell everyone. Wait, this angle is still going?

Angle/Styles is up next.

We see Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe in the back. Television Champion Devon walks up and wants to know why they need to be in the ring later tonight. Magnus and Joe don’t know anything.

MATCH 2: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
To show how valuable the TNA title is (which you can read about in a column I wrote on here), as the commentators are talking about what they just saw as Angle makes his way down, they only mention the Tag Team Champions being invited for Hogan’s announcement. Taz can’t stop talking about Styles’ black ring gear, for some reason. Tie-up to start, with Styles turning it into an armbar. He twists the arm, so Angle punches him into the corner. European uppercut by Angle. Styles reverses a corner whip, but Angle gets his foot up on the charge. He goes into a waistlock, which Styles reverses. For some reason, the screen goes completely black at this point, then goes into a commercial. I don’t think it was my signal, as the Spike TV logo was still in the corner of the screen the entire time. Sorry, folks.

Back from the break, Styles takes Angle down with a clothesline, a back elbow and a roundhouse. Angle falls to the corner, where Styles hits a jumping forearm shot. Angle reverses a corner whip. Styles counters a charge and hits the Superman. Daniels and Kazarian are at ringside. Just as Styles is about to go for the Styles Clash, Daniels jumps on the apron, paper in hand. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Styles reverses into an armdrag and takes Angle down with a discus clothesline. Styles grabs the paper out of Daniels’ hand, and as he’s trying to read it, Angle snags a quick schoolboy for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. After the match, Styles keeps looking at the paper, then looking at Daniels and Kazarian as they’re heading back up the ramp.

In the back, Joseph Abyss is handing his business card to a guy that looks like Mike Chioda. He comes across Gunner, who still says he doesn’t know anything, and to leave him alone. Abyss asks him if he’s familiar with the term “default judgment”. Gunner says he isn’t, so Abyss explains to him that it’s the failure of a defendant to answer a complaint by a plaintiff. Abyss has been investigating around here for weeks, and he’s not leaving until he has answers. Gunner doesn’t know where Abyss is, and last time he saw him, it was in the ring with Bully Ray. Go ask Bully Ray.

World Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe make their way down to the ring. I guess it’s time for Hogan’s announcement, as Knockouts Champion Gail Kim makes her way down next. World Television Champion Devon is out next. My screen goes black again as a loud beep is heard, before immediately going to commercials. Spike TV’s signals suck something awful tonight.

Back from the break, World X-Division Champion Austin Aries has joined the others in the ring, and World Champion Bobby Roode is out now. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Eric Young and ODB aren’t here, which is fine, because those titles are even more worthless than the TV title.

In the back, Hulk Hogan comes across Rob Van Dam. He thanks RVD for putting a bullet in Eric (bleep). He’s got a #1 contender’s match tonight, and wants to make it a 3-way. RVD says that, if there was only a champion who lost the belt despite never being in a match. Hogan adds him to the match, but not before calling him “R-V-D-D-D-D-D”.

Hulk Hogan now makes hiw way out for his big announcement. When he says he’s right, he’s on the money, and change is definitely in the air. Starting next week, things are changing. There will be a special episode. Once a month, there will be one of these, and it will be called “Open Fight Night”, and at these shows, a piece of talent outside the company will get a chance to wrestle on the show, and they’re going to be judged by a panel of 3 judges. If the judges and Hogan like what they see, the wrestler will be offered a contract. Also on that night, if anyone on the roster gets challenged, you have to accept the fight. Roode asks Hogan who he thinks he is. Maybe he didn’t get the memo from Sting, but this is Roode’s show. He’s the champion, and no one tells him what to do or when to do it. Hogan called the champions out here for a reason. On “Open Fight Night”, not only does the roster need to be ready, but the champions will all defend their titles if they get called out. Gail Kim wants to know who decides this. Hogan does. He wants to hear what the fans have to say, so he asks them to tweet and Facebook him. He wants to know what the fans want to see, and which titles they want to see defended. Devon grabs a mic and says he agrees with everything Hogan just said. When he won his title, he told everyone he’d be a fighting champion. Whoever Hogan puts in the ring with him, he will “testify all over their asses (bleeped, despite being uncensored earlier tonight).” Hogan is glad, because he wanted to talk to Devon. When he was a kid, the TV title was defended every week, and from now on, that will be the case with the TNA title as well. Hogan then starts posing.

Hmmm…I write an article about how the TV title is worthless, and a couple days later, TNA makes an announcement that the belt will be defended every week from now on. Coincidence? Probably? However, we’ll see how long this sticks. TNA has made these announcements before, with both the tag team and X divisions, and they failed to deliver both times. Remember the TNA “Top 10 Challengers” bit? How long did that last, a week? Same thing will happen here, especially with “Open Fight Night”. If TNA can actually stick to it, more power to them, but based on their track record, I have very little faith in it.

As if they knew about this beforehand, TNA already has graphics ready for “Gut Check” and “Open Fight Night”. What are the odds?

Tonight, we will hear from James Storm.

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MATCH 4-8-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim, Madison Rayne, Rosita and Sarita vs. TNT (Tara and Brooke Tessmacher), Mickie James and Velvet Sky
Apparently, Tessy still works here. Not that it matters. Apparently, Velvet Sky’s new nickname is “Vel-Vel”. What the hell is a Vel-Vel? She’s got a nickname that sounds close to Velveeta and a gimmick involving pigeons flying out of her ass. And people wonder why WWE doesn’t see TNA as a threat. Miss Workrate herself starts things off with Sarita. She hits a crossbody and a Kelly Kelly headscissors. Sarita knees her in the back and tags in Rosita. Sarita hits a hip toss, but Rosita misses a somersault senton. Workrate hits a couple of awful knees to the face and a bulldog. She goes after Gail Kim, but Rosita attacks her from behind. Kim tags in and hits a forearm to the back of the head and a running clothesline for 2. Knee to the boob by Kim. Workrate chops her in the chest, kicks her in the gut, then does this sequence again. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim slides out and tags in Rayne. Rayne takes a snapmare from Workrate, followed by a dropkick by a freshly-tagged James. James hits Kim with a weak uppercut before hitting a flapjack on Rayne. James goes up, but Rosita causes a distraction. James forearms her, and Sarita hotshots her across the top rope, allowing Rayne to get 2. Rosita tags back in and kicks her in the face and in the ribs, followed by a very low hurricanrana for 2. James reverses a clothesline into a neckbreaker, and both are down now. Tara tags in, as does Sarita. They trade some blows. Tara hits a back body drop after a kick, and she appears to be blowing all of her moves tonight. Tara takes way a damn long time hitting the standing moonsault, as she has to do a bunch of stupid dances first. She eventually connects and goes for the pin. She gets 2, but rolls away as Sarita comes in and tries to break it up with an elbow, nailing Rosita in the process. Tessy tags in, and they hit a double hip toss on Sarita. Sarita lands on the top rope and back flips off before doing her un-sexy sexy dance. TNT hit a double back elbow and mock her, making the dance even less sexy. Tessy hits a tilt-a-whirl arm drag and a Mug Shot out of the corner. Rayne breaks up the pin before tagging herself in, despite the fact that Sarita was never legal. Tessy hits some forearms to the face and a pair of clotheslines. She picks Kim up for a back suplex, but instead just throws her forward, face-first in a really bad spot. She goes for the pin, but all the heels come in to break it up. The faces then run to even things out, and they eventually brawl to the floor, with the two legal Knockouts still in the ring. Tessy goes for a monkey flip out of the corner, but Kim blocks it and rolls her up with her feet on the ropes. Workrate knocks the feet off before the 3 can be counted. Kim and Workrate start yelling at each other, which allows Tessy to roll Kim up for the 3.

WINNERS: Mickie James, Velvet Sky and TNT.

Mr. Anderson is in the back talking to Anonymous Interviewer about how he’s an asswipe, how he loves “Open Fight Night”, and how he’ll win the 3-way tonight.

We see footage from ODB and Eric Young’s honeymoon. They’re sitting poolside with their title belts. A waiter comes up, and Young gets in his face before stripping down to his underwear for no reason. ODB then puts an ice pack on Young’s junk. Because they’ve had so much sex, apparently.

MATCH 5-World Television Championship: Gunner vs. Devon
Gunner immediately attacks from behind before grinding Devon’s face across the top rope. Elbow to the back of the head, followed by some shots in the corner. Another elbow. Devon eventually fights back with some punches. Gunner gets an elbow off off a charge and hits a clothesline for 2. Stomp and a kneedrop by Gunner gets another 2. Gunner chokes Devon over the middle rope as he tries to do a scary laugh. He hits some more forearms and elbows. Devon with more punches. Gunner with another back elbow for 2. Another 2 by Gunner. Gunner with a pair of jumping stomps for another 2. Man, this “Match of the Year” material. Punch by Gunner and a pieface. Devon comes back with a spear off the ropes (Tenay: “Shoulderblock, I think, to the gut”). He hits some punches to the gut, a clothesline and a back elbow. Shoulderblock off the ropes and a Thesz Press. Jumping headbutt and an avalanche in the corner. Devon hits a jumping clothesline off the ropes. Gunner tries for a clothesline, but Devon ducks and hits the standing spinebuster for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.

James Storm now makes his way out to the ring as Devon is heading up the ramp. They shake hands and hug. He gets in the ring and has something to say to everyone supporting him. He’s sorry. He feels like he let everyone down. He said he was going to win the title, because it’s something he believed he would do. When he saw Roode’s face, he was trying to hurt him, and that’s where his pride and ego got in the way. When he saw doctors and paremedics checking out Roode, he thought that would be enough. But, as he was in the back after the match, he began doubting himself and asking if he still wanted to do this. When he went home, his daughter asked where his title belt was. He had a hard time looking into her eyes, and he had a hard time looking at himself after that. When he finally looked in the mirror the next morning, he saw a man that was beat. Roode may have won the match, but he didn’t beat Storm. Storm beat himself. He’s wrestled with a bunch of different injuries, and he keeps doing it because of fans chanting his name. The ring is his piece of Heaven, and this is what he loves to do. He’s sorry he let his dad down, but he knows his dad is up in Heaven and still loves him. Roode said something about Storm’s luck, and maybe he was right. Maybe Storm’s luck has run out. Storm then drops the mic and leaves the ring.

We get a graphic for “Eric Bischoff Appreciation Night”, with Eric’s last name blurred out. For a guy who is gone from the company “forever” and can never use his name again, that same name has been dropped more than anyone else’s tonight. I’m sure TNA will stick to its guns and keep him gone forever, though.

MATCH 6-Triple Threat Match to determine a new #1 contender for the World Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
I love how Hardy mouths the words to his entrance theme whenever he comes out, because he’s the only person who can figure out what he’s even saying in the song. Tenay says Anderson will focus on a “power game” here. You kind of need muscle & power and, you know, not the body of a 12 year-old for that, Mike. Anderson takes RVD down with a clothesline before punching Hardy. He backs Hardy into the corner and stomps him. RVD takes them both down with clotheslines. Thrust kick for Anderson. Roundhouse for Hardy. Step-over spinning heel kick for Anderson. Monkey flip for Hardy. Jumping side kick from the top rope for Anderson. Hardy chopblocks RVD and hits a double legdrop pin for 2. Slingshot dropkick in the corner by Hardy. Sit-out gourdbuster by Hardy gets 2 as Anderson breaks it up. Anderson throws Hardy under the bottom rope into a ring post before putting RVD in a rear chinlock. RVD fights out, but Anderson hits a DDT for 2 as Hardy breaks it up. Anderson reverses a corner whip by Hardy, but Hardy gets his elbow up on a charge. Hardy goes up top and botches Whisper in the Wind (as always). Anderson counters a charging Hardy, nailing him with a swinging neckbreaker. RVD gets back up and hits Anderson with a spinning heel kick before landing Rolling Thunder on Hardy. Anderson picks RVD up and hits the rolling fireman’s carry slam. Hardy hits Anderson with a Twist of Fate. He goes up for the Swanton Bomb and connects, but RVD knocks him down with a spinning dropkick. RVD goes up and nails Anderson with the Five-Star Frog Splash. Hardy goes for Twist of Fate on RVD, but RVD counters into a splitting backslide for the 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Rob Van Dam.

End of show.

Why do I get the feeling the Eric Bischoff (bleep) segment will take up way, WAY more time than it needs to next week?

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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