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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and April 11 Recap

April 14, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact opens with Jeff Hardy entering the building. Hulk Hogan stops him in the backstage area and asks if he’s ready for tonight. Hardy says he was born ready for this kind of match.

TNA now has credits for their opening video. Kill me.

Full Metal Mayhem happens tonight, as does Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell, and we will also get AJ Styles’ “big decision”. Now, to the ring for the opening match.

MATCH 1-Best-of-3-Falls Match for the World Tag Team Championship (If the challengers lose, they must split): Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Austin Aries and Hernandez (Champions)
The challengers are led to the ring by some boxing legend. I don’t pay attention to boxing, so I don’t know who he is, nor do I care. Roode and Aries attack before they even make their official entrance, with Roode throwing Hernandez into the steps several times. The bell rings, and in the ring, Roode sends Aries into Chavo for a corner dropkick. Aries then sends Chavo into Roode for the spinebuster, which gets 3.

Aries tags in after the rest period and goes up top, mocking Chavo. He takes too long, though, and misses the frog splash. Chavo gets in a quick Oklahoma roll for 3, tying up the series. We’re now into the third fall, and Hernandez is still laid out on the floor. Roode tags in and stomps Chavo down in the opposite corner before dragging him to his own for more stomps and a foot choke. Aries chokes Chavo over the bottom rope behind the ref’s back, and Roode hits a quick back suplex for 2. Aries tags in and hits a tope con hilo, then stomps the face and hits a fist drop for 2. Roode back in, and he corner whips Chavo. Chavo blocks the charge and goes for a tornado DDT. Roode blocks that, but gets hit with a dropkick. Chavo looks for a tag, but Hernandez isn’t there. He eventually crawls up and tags in, hitting a slingshot shoulderblock on Roode, who has tagged in as well. He takes out both champs before hitting Roode with a Pounce. Warrior Press on Aries, and now Hernandez goes outside to the ramp for an outside-in Air Mexico on both the champs. Commercials.

Back from the break, Aries hits a double axe handle from the top to the floor on Hernandez. Roode throws Hernandez back in and goes for the pin, getting 2. A rear chinlock is applied now, and Roode turns it into a snapmare. Aries tags in and hits a spinning European uppercut from the middle rope to the back of Hernandez’s head for 2. Roode back in as Hernandez tries to fight back from his knees. Roode drops him with a forearm, then nails Chavo on the apron, knocking him to the floor. Hernandez tries to fight back once more, so Roode rakes the eyes. Aries comes in illegally, and Hernandez blocks a double clothesline before hitting one of his own. Chavo tags in, and he hits a tope con hilo on Roode before knocking Aries to the floor. Spinning headscissors on Roode sends him out as well, and Chavo drops them both with a slingshot cross-body. Back in, Chavo gets 2, but Aries breaks the pin. He goes for the brainbuster, and Chavo counters into the 3 Amigos. He hits 2 before Roode breaks it up, and Chavo hits him with the 3 Amigos. Up top, Chavo goes for the frog splash. Aries pushes him off onto the ropes, and Roode gets 2 with a handful of tights. Roode applies the Bowflex, and Hernandez breaks the hold up. Aries sends Hernandez to the ramp, but he lands on his feet and hits another outside-in Air Mexico. However, the champs move, and Hernandez hits Chavo. Aries sends him to the floor, and Roode gets 2 on Chavo. Roode sends Aries in for another corner dropkick before Chavo counters a spinebuster by Roode into a DDT for 2. Aries breaks up the pin and sets Chavo up on the top rope. Hernandez comes in and grabs Aries in the Border Toss, but Roode boots him in the gut, preventing the move. The champs go for a double suplex, but Hernandez counters into his own. Chavo up top now, and he hits a frog splash on Roode for the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez. Taz just said Texas is the only state that has their own flag. Jesus tap-dancing Christ…

In the back Brooke Hogan is stopped by Joey Ryan. He says she doesn’t have to apologize for how the knockouts acted last week. He has his ref gear again tonight and volunteers to do the job again. Brooke says he doesn’t have to worry about it. Ryan embarrassed her last week, and this week, he has a match, and we’ll see who the “bigger man” is.

Outside, Aces and Eights have arrived on their motorcycles and are just hugging each other repeatedly.

Joseph Park makes his way into the arena. He has asked for a few minutes to discuss a few points of business. His main issue is with A and E, and Bully Ray specifically. What Ray and his band of hooligans has perpetrated on TNA is felonious, and it stops now. The crowd has completely turned on Park in just a few seconds. Park wants justice, and tonight, it will be served when Jeff Hardy brings the title back to TNA. Justice doesn’t end there, though. Park is well-versed in divorce law and marital code in this country. He holds up a piece of paper and says he’s written up annulment papers that will officially end the marriage between Brooke and Ray. Before he can finish, Devon enters the ring and rips the mic out of Park’s hand before ripping up the papers. Devon says that, if Park has a problem with his brother, he’s got a problem with Devon. Go back to the rock you crawled out from, and stay out of family business. He doesn’t give a damn what Park thinks; stay out of the family business. You’ve been warned. Devon leaves as Park is picking up the shreds of paper, then gets back in the ring with a chain around his fist and decks Park in the gut.

MATCH 2: Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell
At least Taryn decided to invest in a pair of kneepads. I don’t know why, but wrestlers not wearing kneepads really, really bothers me. It just looks strange, not to mention it’s kind of stupid when you consider how much damage is done to the knees in this profession. Before the match begins, ODB is announced as the referee. Kim immediately gets in ODB’s face, and Taryn snaps her into the ring. Clothesline by Taryn, followed by a suplex. Monkey flip out of the corner, but Kim counters the spear. Taryn puts on the breaks and mounts the middle rope, so Kim trips her. In the corner, Kim strikes Taryn several times. Taryn tries to fight back from her knees. She ducks a clothesline, but gets hit with a back elbow. Kim picks her up for a fireaman’s carry, then drops her face-first on the mat. Kim foot-chokes Taryn over the middle rope, then gets in ODB’s face. Taryn reverses a corner whip, but Kim counters the charge into a roll-up with a handful of tights. ODB counts 2, but sees the cheating and breaks it. Taryn quickly schoolgirls Kim and gets 3.

WINNER: Taryn Terrell. Todd Kenely called this a “PPV quality match”, further establishing his lack of credibility. Kim continues to yell at ODB after the match, so ODB chases her to the back. Christy Hemme stops Taryn for an interview after the match. She says she has waited a long time to get physical with Gail Kim, but now, who wants to get physical with Taryn?

We see Adam Pearce and Magno in the back, ready for Gut Check. I already know how this part turns out, and it’s total bullsh*t.

Pre-recorded footage of Al Snow, Bruce Prichard and Danny Davis talking about Gut Check is aired, and they focus on Magno botching spots, as well as Pearce cheating to win the match. Davis calls Pearce “technically sound”, and he appreciates that, as does Snow. They question Pearce’s personality, as they haven’t heard him talk yet.

Back to the arena, the judges are with Pearce and Magno. Prichard talks about the hype for these two, and only one of them can go to the ring to face Gut Check tonight. Magno, you have your entire career ahead of you. Adam, you are a 17-year veteran, and that can be viewed either negatively or positively. Decision time: Magno, your decision will be made in the ring later tonight. Adam Pearce walks off, and you can hear the crowd booing in the background. As I said, pure bullsh*t.

AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back to ask about Bully Ray. He says it’s important for TNA to get the belt back, but right, it’s time to deal with AJ Styles. AI asks about Sting, and Hulk doesn’t have an answer.

Other AI stops AJ Styles outside to ask about A and E. He shoves the camera away. Mr. Anderson stops him and hands him another vest.

Hulk Hogan makes his way into the arena, and he’s here to get a decision from AJ Styles. There’s a lot of things going on tonight, but the man he needs to talk to is a man that needs to get out here right now. AJ Styles, you need to get out here and let him know what’s going on right now. AJ makes his way out, the vest still in his hand. Hulk says they’re in the middle of a crazy war. AJ is playing the middle, so he needs to know which side AJ is on. This is an ultimatum, brother. AJ says he doesn’t respond well to ultimatums. Once again, James Storm interrupts the proceedings. He’s not out here to give AJ an ultimatum or hear what side he’s on. But, what he is out here for is because he and AJ are going to fight. Bad Influence then joins the fray. Kaz tells “Toby Keith” to step aside, as this doesn’t concern him. They’re not out here to fight; they’re out here to men fences. They also see through all the poop happening in the ring. They’re sexual and intellectual, so they know what’s going on. “Thunderlips” is going to try to get AJ on his team since A and E has dismantled his team. A and E, at the same time, wants to recruit TNA’s best soldier for the last 11 years. Daniels tells AJ that both sides will use him up and spit him out. BI has another proposition: they want AJ on their side. They know AJ thinks the whole thing with Claire Lynch was bad, but wasn’t it worse when Dixie Carter, Hulk and the fans all turned their backs on AJ? Don’t stand with either of these strangers; come stand with your brothers. Think of all the titles of they’ve won together. Wouldn’t it be great if the three of them stood together and it was them against the world? Storm shoves AJ to get his attention, then begins screaming in his face. AJ once again walks away from Storm. He stares at BI for a minute, then walks past them as well. Hulk yells at him and tells him that, since he won’t make a decision, Hulk will. Next week, AJ will fight Storm.

Joey Ryan is on his way to the ring for a match.

In the locker room, Kurt Angle is saying the feud between A and E and TNA has only begun, and the balance of power switches when Hardy wins the title. Next week, Angle has asked Hulk for a handicap match against Tomax and Xamot, and he plans to show them he is the baddest SOB in pro wrestling.

MATCH 3: Joey Ryan vs. Rob Terry
Remember that tag team Ryan had with Matt Morgan? Neither does TNA. Ryan runs into a shoulder as Mike Tenay tries to make the claim that Terry outweighs Ryan by 100 pounds. Terry hits another shoulder, and Ryan rolls to the apron. Terry pulls him back in and beals him across the ring. Terry hits an open-hand chop in the corner, then does the same in the adjacent corner. Same thing in the third corner, and Terry caps off the chops with a hard corner whip. Bodyslam by Terry, followed by a corner clothesline. Terry hits an over-the-shoulder powerslam, then picks Ryan up on his shoulders, turning the fireman’s carry into the Freakbuster for 3.

WINNER: Rob Terry. At least Terry didn’t botch his finisher this week. Terry is doing a guest appearance at a local show here this month. Guess where I won’t be that night?

Brooke and Hulk are in the back, and Hulk says he has a suite here tonight, and he wants Brooke with him there to watch the main event. Brooke says she wants to be at ringside for that match so she can see Hardy win the title up-close. As Hulk and Brooke part ways, Matt Morgan stops Hulk and asks if this is what things have come down to for Hulk. He should have done the right thing and named Morgan the #1 contender at Lockdown. Bully Ray wouldn’t be champion, and Hulk wouldn’t be responsible for breaking Brooke’s heart. Instead, he did what he does best, and make another Hulk Hogan mistake. One day, all of these mistakes will come crashing down on him.

It’s Gut Check time. JB introduces the three judges, followed by Magno. Despite being from Texas, the crowd immediately turns on Magno once he’s introduced. Good. He doesn’t deserve any accolades after last week’s performance. Danny Davis is up first as the crowd chants “No!” He says the fans here have made a decision, but he hasn’t yet. If Magno was in OVW, Davis would make him a star. Unfortunately, they’re on Impact, which is nationwide, and he has to agree with the fans. His answer is no. Magno gets his 30 seconds now to convince the other two judges he deserves it, and he says there are a lot of goals in life. He’s been in work all around the world, but that’s not enough for him. All the people know him. But he wants the whole world to know him as Magno, Impact luchador. That was the English half of the promo. I don’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what else he said. However, what he said in English was complete garbage, and the fans in the building let him know it as well. Bruce Prichard is up next. He tells Magno he’s here because he has his entire career ahead of him. He has the physical attributes and a marketable look. However, his experience in the ring could cost him. He doesn’t know who Magno is and he needs more seasoning, and his answer is in both English and Spanish: no. Good. Magno flat-out sucks.

Outside, A and E are having a party with their motorcycles. Anderson asks Bully Ray if he’s ready, then gives him the group’s catchphrase. Ray says he needs to walk alone tonight. He needs to beat Hardy alone so he can shove it up Hardy and Hogan’s asses. He asks A and E to swear they will let him do this alone tonight. He’s not doing this just for him; he’s doing it for all of them. He then asks Anderson to hold his wedding ring.

The main event is up next.

MATCH 4-Full Metal Mayhem for the World Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray (Champion)
We see Brooke sitting in the front row. Ray walks over to her and tells her he’s glad she could make it before blowing her a kiss. Hardy immediately hits a sit-out Twist of Fate, then follows up with an avalanche in the corner and some punches. Hard corner whip by Hardy, and he grabs a chair, striking Ray over the back twice. Hardy brings a ladder in and props it in the corner, where he sends Ray in face-first. Hardy sets the chair up and hits Poetry in Motion. Ray falls down, lands face-first on the chair, and the ladder falls across his back. Hardy sets the ladder up in the middle, but Ray tips the ladder over. Hardy lands on his feet and hits a reverse enziguri. He goes to clothesline Ray over the top rope, but Ray counters with a back body drop, sending Hardy back-first on the ramp. Ray grabs his chain and begins whipping Hardy on the ramp. He goes back into the ring and sets up the ladder before throwing a chair to the corner. Ray begins climbing, but Hardy recovers and climbs as well, hitting Ray with some punches. Ray punches back, then rakes the eyes. He goes for a suplex, eventually hitting it. Commercials.

Back from the break, Hardy is on a table in the middle as Ray is on the middle rope. Hardy slides off, grabs a chair and cracks Ray with it. He moves the table, then sets a ladder against it upside-down. Hardy goes for a superplex, but Ray blocks it and knocks Hardy back down. Hardy catches a boot and goes for a Twist, but Ray blocks it as the ladder falls. He knocks Hardy down and sets the ladder back in place, hitting a gourdbuster across the supports of the ladder. Ray throws a chair to the floor in front of Brooke, then throws the broken ladder to the floor. He grabs another chair and strikes Hardy in the leg. The table is set up on the side of the ring closest to the ramp, and Ray then goes outside for another ladder, throwing it in the ring. The ladder is propped in the corner next to the table, and Ray then tells Brooke he will slap her in the face after he wins the belt. Hardy gets back up and hits some rights, followed by a flying forearm, an inverted atomic drop, a double legdrop and a seated dropkick. He throws a chair at Ray, and Ray catches it, so Hardy grabs another chair and hits the chair into Ray’s face, knocking him to the floor. Hardy goes for a plancha, but Ray moves, and Hardy crashes into the guardrail. Brooke and Ray scream at each other once more, with Ray calling her “stupid”. He slams Hardy into the steps, then it’s time for more screaming. He asks for a kiss and sticks his tongue out, so Brooke slaps him. Hardy grabs Ray and slams him into the steps. He sets Ray on the table, but the table breaks in half. Hardy hits a quick legdrop and begins looking for another table. The closest one is all the way up on the stage. Good planning here. Hardy brings the table back to rinside. Ray attacks Hardy before moving the broken table. Hardy comes back with another sit-out Twist and sets Ray on the good table. Hardy goes into the ring and climbs to the top rope, hitting a swanton bomb through the table on the floor. Hardy rolls back in the ring and moves the table that is still in the ring. He sets up the good ladder as Taz hands Ray the hammer for the ring bell. Ray brings it back in the ring as Hardy is climbing the ladder. He climbs up as well, and the two trade punches. Hardy grabs the belt, and Ray smacks him in the face with the hammer, sending Hardy off the ladder and through the table before grabbing the belt.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bully Ray. A and E come through the crowd to celebrate the victory. Ray yells for the music to be shut off as we see a replay of what just happened. He asks if everyone knows who he is, or who A and E are. They are the Aces and Eights. He is the World Heavyweight Champion and when you ride with the Aces and Eights, you never walk alone.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results April 4 and Recap

April 07, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Someone the other day referred to Impact Wrestling as “TNA: We Are Recaps”. I think that’s extremely accurate. It’s ridiculous how much TNA recaps their own shows. It’s one thing to do a recap video of the previous week’s show at the beginning. It’s another to show video recaps of things minutes after they happened throughout the show.

This week on TNA Impact Wrestling Gut Check returns, and because Adam Pearce is involved, I’m actually somewhat looking forward to it.

The show opens with Aces and Eights (save for Bully Ray) making their way through the crowd. Anyone else notice that, since guys started getting unmasked, the amount of men in this group dropped from nearly 2 dozen to about 10? Mr. Anderson calls everyone douchebags (he is an expert on the subject), and he’s gotta package. He says that AJ Styles had TNA turn their back on him when he needed them. They have a “cut” for him, and hope he makes the right decision. Devon has an envelope in his hand, and it belongs to Brooke Hogan. When Bully Ray brings her out later, that envelope will bring a new meaning to the phrase “change of relationship”. D’Lo Brown also has a present for someone. It’s something he received, and it’s a letter from TNA Headquarters. Inside the letter was his notice of termination from TNA. After all of his years of hard work, he thinks he deserved more than a plain envelope. He didn’t get a phone call or a meeting. He doesn’t want a text or a tweet; he wants someone to come out and tell him to his face why he’s been fired.

Kurt Angle comes out, and he has something to say to Brown’s face. He’s going to walk down the aisle, get in the ring, look Brown in the eye and tell him how he really feels. Angle gets in the ring and tackles Brown for some mounted punches, and the rest of A and E immediately jump on him. Joseph Park, Magnus, Samoa Joe and Eric Young hit the ring to even things up, and they eventually clear the ring. Apparently, there will be a 10-man involving these guys later.

Joey Ryan stops Brooke Hogan in a locker room, offering her a favor. He knows she has a need, and knows he can fill it. She just fired the KO ref, and she needs a new ref for a match tonight, offering himself up for the job. Brooke agrees, but Ryan can’t touch the girls.

MATCH 1: Gail Kim and Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky and Taryn Terrell
Taryn looks decent until she smiles. She has too many teeth or something. Joey Ryan is patting down all of the competitors for “weapons”. Tara attacks Sky from behind, then chokes her over the top rope and hits a chop. Sky ducks a clothesline, hits a jumping one, followed by a second, and then applies a side headlock. Ryan begins massaging Sky, which causes her to break the hold. Kim and Taryn tag in, and Ryan is hitting on Taryn. Tara tags back in and Taryn reverses a clothesline into a backslide, followed bya schoolgirl. Ryan is doing no counting. Taryn pins Tara with a jackknife, yet still no count. Sky back in, and the faces hit a double shoulderblock and a double elbow drop. Sky goes for the pin, and Ryan stares at her butt while massaging himself. Kim runs in and clobbers Sky with a double axe handle. Tara stomps Sky down before throwing her into Kim’s foot. Kim tags in and hits some kicks to the gut, followed by a fireman’s carry into a pancake. She goes for the pin, and Ryan is still just petting himself. Tara back in, and she begins ramming her shoulder into Sky’s gut in the corner. Ryan steps between them and stares at Tara, so Jesse jumps on the apron out of jealousy. Sky rolls Tara up with no pin counted. Tara pops up with a clothesline and goes for the standing moonsault, but Ryan stands in the way. She pushes him aside and then misses the move. Kim and Taryn tag in, and Taryn hits a pair of clotheslines and a back elbow. Snap suplex by Taryn, and she goes up top, hitting a cross-body. She slams Kim’s head into the mat, and Tara comes in, hitting Taryn with a clothesline. Sky dropkicks Tara to the floor, and Kim clobbers her from behind. Ryan is making a pass at Kim, and she seems to like it, shoving him into the corner and playing with his mustache. Ryan starts stripping his clothes off as Taryn rolls Kim up from behind. Kim reverses the roll-up with a handful of tights and Ryan makes a fast 3.

WINNERS: Gail Kim and Tara. Ryan tries to celebrate with Kim after the match, but she leaves him hanging. He gets back in the ring to check on Taryn and Sky while massaging baby oil into his chest. Sky pretends to be interested, and Taryn low blows him from behind.

We see the World Tag Team Champions in the building. They’re headed out to the ring.

Back from the break, the tag champs are in the ring, along with Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez. They are facing off for the titles next week, and they’re signing the contract tonight. Austin Aries tells JB to shut up. Bobby Roode asks if either Chavo or Hernandez have been the World Champion. The reality is, is that neither one of them can hold a candle to either Roode or Aries. Chavo reminds us he’s a Guerrero, and calls Hernandez “strong as a son of a gun”. Stop letting this man speak. Aries asks if they’re bored with him and Roode beating them all the time. These contracts aren’t ironclad, so let’s make this more interesting. Aries adds a fruit basket, green M&Ms and more money for the winners. Chavo adds something, and the champs seem amused. Roode and Aries add one last thing, and Chavo agrees to it. Aries then asks JB to make everything official. JB announces that the titles are on the line next week in a Best-of-3-Falls Match, and if the challengers lose, they will never team again in TNA. Everyone signs the contract, with Hernandez being hesitant.

Video package for Adam Pearce, a 17-year veteran of wrestling and a former NWA World Champion and the former booker for ROH. He also reminds us he’s already faced nearly everyone in TNA at some point or another, which is true.

We then get a video for Magno, who I had never heard of until last week. His whole video is in Spanish, as he apparently doesn’t speak English. It’s subtitled, but I’m not going to give all the details. He basically talks about what a luchador is, and that his mask defines him.

MATCH 2-Gut Check: Adam Pearce vs. Magno
Magno is a 13-year pro, and was trained by Gory Guerrero, apparently. Pearce reverses an arm ringer and turns it into an armbar. Magno counters into an armdrag. Pearce goes into a hammerlock and takes Magno down. Magno counters into a headscissors, and we get another standoff. Pearce goes back to the arm and forearms Magno in the face before stomping him. In the corner, Pearce hits a European uppercut and sends Magno to the opposite corner. Magno blocks the charge but gets hit with a back body drop for 2. Magno botches a spot in the corner before rebounding and hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. He botches a springboard moonsault for 2. Not off to a good start for the luchador. He goes for a springboard cross-body, but Pearce counters and turns it into a spinebuster for 2. Pearce nails a forearm and sends Magno into the ropes. Magno flips over and hits a headscissors from the apron. A pair of clotheslines connect, as does a corner kick. Pearce gets clotheslined to the floor, and now Magno goes to the top, botching another moonsault to the floor. Oy vey. Back in the ring, Pearce trips Magno and pins him with a rope assist.

WINNER: Adam Pearce. Wow. For as good as Pearce is, this was a really lousy performance. Not all of the blame can be placed on Magno, either. There was just no flow to this match at all.

We see AJ Styles in the back, and he’s approached by A and E. Mr. Anderson says AJ has had a change on his outlook on life. They like it and could use a guy like him in his organization. They had a vest made for him, and Anderson tells him to try it on and just think about joining them.

Sting/Bully Ray video package.

AI stops Hulk Hogan and asks about Sting. He says Sting isn’t here. He needs warriors here, not more politicians. He’s going to the ring to call another warrior out, because he needs to know where this person stands.

Kurt Angle is approached by Joseph Park in the back. He tells Angle he’s here for a fight tonight. He and his classmates watched Angle win his gold medal. A and E did him wrong, and he wants to stand by Angle’s side against A and E tonight. Angle tells him to follow his lead, and if he sees an opportunity, take it.

Hulk Hogan makes his way into the arena. We’ve heard him talk a lot about past mistakes. He won’t make those mistakes anymore. He’s going to lead with his gut, as well as make decisions with it. TNA is being held hostage right now, and there’s one man his gut is telling him to call out, and he’s going to do that right now. That man is none other than AJ Styles, brother. AJ comes out, and he’s still got the A and E vest in his hand. Hulk asks AJ is joining A and E, because if that’s the case, they are way off the page. He understands the personal crap AJ went through. He made the stipulation about the title match, and when AJ lost, he drifted off and turned into a different person. This roster is his family, and AJ has never strayed from them. He’s looking at AJ right now, and he sees a different guy. He’s praying he’s not joining A and E, because AJ is the man he needs right now. TNA needs help, and they need someone dangerous like AJ, brother. Hulk needs AJ Styles, and needs the dangerous version. He hands the mic to AJ. AJ looks at the vest for a moment and asks if Hulk wants him to help. Before he can go further, James Storm interrupts. He remembers the match stipulation where the person who got pinned didn’t get a title match for a year. He also remembers that he was the guy who pinned AJ. That’s how it goes. Everyone loses big matches. What really bothers Storm, though, is that last week, AJ stood there and watched as A and E jumped him. Storm has known AJ for 17 years and has been in TNA since day one as well. They helped build this company. He’s done everything AJ has done. Every time they clock in and get in the ring, they wrestle and perform because it’s what they love to do. From the Asylum in Nashville, to Europe, to San Antonio, to here in Jonesboro, they built this. And now AJ wants to join A and E? Go ahead, because you’re not the same guy he remembers at the fairgrounds. So, AJ better clock out before he gets knocked out. AJ dropes the mic and leaves the ring, still holding onto his vest. Anyone else think this angle is almost exactly like Sting/nWo in 1997?

MATCH 3-3-Way X-Division Qualifier: Sonjay Dutt vs. Mason Andrews vs. Petey Williams
Andrews pokes the other two in the chest, so Petey slaps him. Dutt applies a side headlock before shouldering Williams down. Series of pinfalls by all three, and now we have a standoff. Andrews goes to the floor, and Dutt dropkicks Petey for 2. Drop toehold into the ropes by Petey, and he nails Andrews on the floor with a suicide dive. Dutt goes for a plancha, but Petey moves and Dutt hits nothing but air. Andrews rolls Petey into the ring and hits an elbow for 2. Stomps by Andrews, and a spinning backbreaker gets 2. Andrews knocks Dutt off the apron, and now Petey hits some chops. Andrews cuts him off with a kneelift and rams him into the corner. Snapmare out of the corner, followed by an elbow to the shoulder from the second rope for 2. Dutt comes back in and applies an abdominal stretch on Petey. Andrews throws Dutt to the floor and goes after Petey. Dutt comes back in with a springboard dropkick on both competitors. Andrews sends Dutt in the corner, and Dutt counters with a Pendulum, followed by a legdrop across the middle rope. Springboard falling splash by Dutt on Andrews gets 2. Dutt goes for an Ace Crusher, but Petey blocks that and hits a spinning headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Dutt counters into a crucifix for 2, and Petey pops back up with a kick. He goes for the Destroyer, but Dutt shoves him into the corner. Up top, Dutt goes for a super hurricanrana, but loses his balance. Andrews pops up with his own version on Petey, and Dutt hits Andrews with an Asai DDT. He goes for a moonsault double stomp, but Andrews moves. Dutt lands on his feet and gets nailed with a running knee, sending him to the floor. Petey gets back in the ring and quickly snaps off the Canadian Destroyer on Andrews for 3.

WINNER: Petey Williams.

We’re in the A and E clubhouse now, and Bully Ray is pissed. He blames Kurt Angle and all of his friends for his bad mood. He knows his boys will get the job done tonight in the 10-man. Let’s go out, kick their asses, take their names, and take their frickin’ souls. Devon has something to ask, and that’s if he’s ready to deal with Brooke. Ray says to be honest, he misses his wife. She took good care of him, and Devon asks if she likes “tag teams”. Ray is going out there, will look her in the eyes, hand her the envelope, and after that, they will all be able to move forward.

MATCH 4: Aces and Eights (Garett Bischoff, Wes Brisco, World Television Champion Devon, DOC and Knux) vs. Kurt Angle, Magnus, Joseph Park, Samoa Joe and Eric Young
Angle whips Wes into the ring, then hits some clotheslines. He beats Wes down in the corner, then foot chokes him. Snap suplex gets 2. Wes rakes the eyes and tags in Garret, who gets hip tossed. Angle knocks Garett down with punches, then beats him down in the corner before choking him with his knee. Magnus tags in and fires off some rights. Garett ducks a clothesline before getting caught. Magnus hits him with a modified northern lights bomb, then tags in Joe. Joe hits an inverted atomic drop, Magnus follows with a running boot, and Joe hits a running senton. Garett rakes the eyes and tags in Devon. Joe ducks some punches and hits a series of rights, followed by a running hip bump in the corner and a spin kick to the head. Devon gets dropped with a chop to the chest, and Jo follows up with a chop to the back, a kick to the chest and a jumping kneedrop for 2. Devon fights back and tags in Knux, who hits some rights. Joe ducks a clothesline and hits a running knee. EY tags in, and he comes off with a double axe handle to the arm. EY hits some rights in the corner until Knux hits him with a kneelift. Rights by Knux (noticing a trend here), and he sends EY into the corner, where he hits more punches. EY suckers Knux into the ropes, sending him to the floor, where EY hits a slingshot cross-body. Commercials.

We’re back, and EY gets a 2-count on Knux. Knux fights back in the corner, hitting a forearm to the face and sending EY to the floor with a big boot. Devon rolls EY back in the ring, and Knux hits a legdrop before tagging in DOC. DOC drops an elbow, then hits some body blows in the corner, followed by an uppercut. Short-arm clothesline connects, and DOC follows up with a Warrior Splash for 2. Devon tags in and fires off rights in the corner before hitting a snapmare and applying a trapezius claw. EY fights out, but runs into a spinning back elbow. DOC tags back in and hits an uppercut. EY counters a back suplex and hits a jawbreaker. DOC and Knux knock all of the faces off the apron, preventing a tag. In the corner, EY avoids an avalanche and hits an enziguri. Joseph Park is the only guy on the apron for EY’s team, so he tags in. Park hits some lefts and rights on DOC before clotheslining him to the floor. He knocks Wes down, then the rest of the heels off the apron. Bodyslam on Wes, who apparently tagged in, and a jumping splash gets 2. Both sides fill the ring and brawl now, and guys get sent to the floor, one-by-one. Joe, Park and Devon are the last three left in the ring. Devon hits a right on Joe, but Joe ducks a clothesline and hits a suicide dive to the floor. Devon ducks a clothesline by Park and hits a standing spinebuster. He goes up top for the headbutt, but Park moves out o fthe way. Park mounts the middle rope for the Closing Argument, but Wes and Garett run in. He double clotheslines them, and DOC hits Park with a low blow before getting the 3.

WINNERS: Aces and Eights.

Hulk is in the back with Brooke. He doesn’t feel right about tonight. Brooke says she can handle things tonight, and she’ll even bring security with her. She just wants to get this over with and have no more drama.

Bully Ray makes his way out through the crowd, manila envelope in hand. In seven days, the biggest World Championship rematch in wrestling history (ha!), Ray/Hardy in Corpus Christi, TX, Full Metal Mayhem. Hardy, you have to be the stupidest person he’s ever met. Why on L. Ron Hubbard’s green Earth would you challenge him to a match involving tables, ladders and chairs? Oh, my. That’s in seven days, though. Tonight, Ray wants to take care of some personal business. He would like his beautiful wife (double ha!) Brooke to come to the ring. Brooke comes out with two Atlas Security guys. Ray asks her how she is, then wants to know why she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. He’s still wearing his. It’s a sign of his love and devotion to her. He expects her to do the same for him. He’ll give her a pass this week, but from now on, do what your told and where your ring. He asks what the security guards are for. They should be here for Ray’s protection. After Lockdown, Brooke was a crazed woman, yelling and screaming, kicking things, knocking over tables…she was insane. She should have been happy that night, since her husband became champion. She should have acted like a good wife, but no, she’s an insane woman. That’s okay, though, as he forgives her. He asks if she knows what the envelope is. She guesses it’s divorce papers. Ray says he loves her, and couldn’t have done this without her. She’s the woman behind him that makes him so great. He couldn’t have done this without her. He tells her to open it, and inside is a ticket. It’s a front-row ticket for next week’s Impact. He wants her to sit in the front row and defeat Hardy for the second time. He wants her by his side, cheering him on, looking as beautiful as possible, because lately, she’s let herself go. Brooke slaps Ray on that note, and he laughs. He says he can’t help it, because she’s pathetic. She just smacked him in the face, and he’s laughing at her. He’s in her head so bad, it’s not funny. To be honest, he’s been in her since day one. He dares her to smack him again when Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He orders Brooke out of his ring as Hardy charges in. They brawl until Ray low blows him. Hardy no-sells it and starts fighting back.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 21 and Recap

March 23, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week, TNA is once again in Chicago, and the show opens with Hulk Hogan coming out on one crutch. He says he’s been around a long time, and we’ve been through hell and back together. However, he’s never had the wool pulled over his eyes like this. Not only did Aces and Eights fool the fans, they fooled him, his family, Sting, and everyone else in TNA. When he thinks of what happened last week and how A and E ran roughshod over the TNA roster, he’s realized this is a war for survival. Out of all the men that were left laying last week, the four guys that led the charge are the warriors. They are the men he loves and respects, and they lead the rest of the pack in the back, jack. At this time, he wants nothing but respect for these four, and he wants to bring them out here right now. First out is Samoa Joe, second is Magnus, third is “the scariest man I’ve ever looked into his eyes” Kurt Angle, and fourth is Jeff Hardy. As Hulk speaks to these men, he’s also speaking to everyone in the back. The reason these four are here is because he wants them to put A and E out and bring the World title back to TNA. Jeff Hardy, you took us to a place Hulk never thought they’d be. But after the attack last week, can he pull off a rematch? Hardy says he’s in bad shape, but Bully Ray stole the title, and we, “the creatures”, need it back. These other men are ready, and tonight, let’s have a four-way between everyone in the ring, with the winner getting a shot at Bully Ray. Hulk says the last time he picked a #1 contender, it was a mistake, so he loves this idea. Looks like we’ve got our main event.

MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Austin Aries and Bobby Roode (Champions)
This is the match that was supposed to happen at the top of the show last week. Chavo and Roode start the match. Chavo counters a waistlock in to an arm wringer. Roode counters into a hammerlock, and Chavo counters once more into the wringer. Roode punches his way out, but gets hit with a European uppercut before rebounding with punches. Chavo comes off the ropes with a spinning headscissors before beating Roode down in the corner. Hernandez tags in, Chavo hits a bodyslam, Hernandez bodyslams Chavo onto Roode and then hits a Warrior Splash for 2. Roode fights back and tags in Aries, beating Hernandez down in the corner. Aries boxes the ears, then hits an open-hand chop to the chest. Roode back in with a kick before tagging Aries in once more. They go for a double suplex, but Hernandez counters into one of his own before tagging in Chavo, who hits a pair of dropkicks on Roode. Commercials.

We’re back, and Aries throws Chavo to the floor, where Roode slams him into the steps. Roode holds Chavo up, and Aries comes off the top with an elbow. Back in the ring, Aries gets 2. Aries applies a front chancery, but Chavo fights out. He goes to the ropes, where Aries catches him with a kitchen sink. Roode in, and he hits a back suplex for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Chavo fights out once again and sends Roode to the corner. He goes for a monkey flip, but Roode blocks him and props him on the top rope. Chavo strikes from this position and hits a tornado DDT. Aries and Hernandez tag in, and Hernandez with the hot tag offense before hitting a Warrior Press on Aries. Hernandez goes up the ramp and hits an outside-in Air Mexico on both champions. He goes for the Border Toss on Aries, but Roode boots him in the gut. Roode gets hit with a Pounce, sending him to the floor. Aries blocks a corner charge and goes for a cross-body, but Hernandez catches him. He tags in Chavo and goes for a powerbomb, but Aries takes him to the floor with a hurricanrana. Back in the ring, he mocks Chavo as he goes for the brainbuster, but Chavo counters into the 3 Amigos as the crowd dumps all over him for it. Chavo goes up top, but Kazarian runs down to distract the referee as Christopher Daniels shoves Chavo off the top. Aries rolls him up with a handful of tights and gets the 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode. After the match, Bad Influence attack the champs from behind.

Apparently, all X-Division matches will now be contested in 3-way matches. G*ddammit, TNA. Why do you continue to piss me off?

We see an interview from Kenny King from earlier today. He says he should be mad about the new changes to the X-Division, but this kind of stuff has always been happening to him. If TNA wants to be this way, so be it. If they put two guys in front of him, TNA better set up two funerals. This just gives him a chance to shine even brighter. The interview then turns into a commercial for 5-Hour Energy as TNA rubs more salt in the wound.

MATCH 2-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion vs. Kenny King (Champion)
I didn’t realize Dutt still worked here. Just shows how TNA has no idea what to do with talent in most cases. Apparently, the belt will be defended each week in these kind of matches, and the person who doesn’t get pinned or doesn’t submit moves onto the 3-way the following week. Just keep digging that grave, TNA. Ion applies a side headlock on Dutt, but gets shouldered by King. Dutt hits a spinning headscissors on Ion, and the three botch a spot in the corner. King runs into Ion, and Dutt takes them both down with a hurricanrana/armdrag combo, sending them to the floor. They drag Dutt outside and ram him into the barricade. King then does the same to Ion before hitting a somersault plancha from the apron. He rams Ion into the apron and throws him back in the ring, getting 2. Jumping hip bump in the corner by King before he foot chokes Ion. Float-over suplex into some mounted punches by King before stopping Dutt from entering the ring. He runs into an elbow by Ion but catches him in a fireman’s carry. Ion fights out but runs into a jumping roundhouse. Dutt hits a springboard dropkick on King, then goes up top. King shoves him off onto the ramp, and now Ion begins to fight back until he runs into a modified Ghetto Blaster. Ion rolls to the apron and hits the inside-out DDT, and Dutt comes back in and sends Ion to the floor with a hurricanrana. Both heels are outside now, and Dutt hits a top rope moonsault before throwing Ion back in. Bodyslam by Dutt, and he goes for the Hindu Press. King blocks him, and Ion goes up for a back suplex. Dutt elbows him off and hits a moonsault into a double stomp. King comes back in with a springboard blockbuster on Dutt and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kenny King. Dutt is now out of the title picture for a while. Smart move TNA. Instead of getting rid Ion’s worthless ass, you bring Dutt back for one night and then remove him from the title hunt for a while.

AI stops Brooke Hogan to ask about her husband, and she says she’s only here to run the KO division tonight.

We get an interview with Bully Ray as he talks about “plan B” going into effect, that being him using the Hogan family to become champion. Joseph Park became the bait, and we basically get a video package highlighting the entire stupid storyline involving A and E. I kid you not, this video package is almost ten minutes long. It’s ridiculous.

We see Sting entering the building. Moments later, he enters Hulk Hogan’s office. He says he doesn’t care about the title; this is about making things right. Give him Bully tonight. Hulk says things haven’t changed in his mind, so why doesn’t Sting do what he does best and go hide up in the rafters for a couple of years. Whenever Sting is around, he causes problems, so get out.

Video package for the meaningless Gail Kim/Taryn Terrell feud.

Taryn Terrell comes out to Traci Brooks’ old music and says she knows she’s on probation, and her job is to control chaos, not create it. But when Gail Kim put her hands on Taryn twice, she had to retaliate. So, she guesses it’s time for her to accept the consequences. Gail Kim interrupts this little speech, takes the mic and says she’s glad Taryn learned her lesson, and that’s you don’t mess with Gail Kim. Gail Kim is the greatest female wrestler to have ever lived, and the greatest knockout in company history. She created the division, and without her, Taryn wouldn’t exist. Now, she’s going to call out Brooke Hogan to do what she should have done a long time ago, and that’s to fire Taryn. So Brooke, come out and do what we’ve been waiting for. Brooke says this was a hard decision for her to make, and she’s thought long and hard about it. Taryn, you know she loves you, but she has to be fair as the V.P. of the knockouts division, so she has to terminate Taryn as knockouts referee. She asks Kim if she’s happy, then says she has good news that might make everyone here happy. That news is that Taryn has been signed to the knockouts roster as an active competitor. Big surprise there. Taryn immediately spears Kim and knocks her to the floor before chasing her to the back.

Bully Ray comes out of the crowd and approaches Brooke on the ramp. He shows her he’s wearing his wedding ring and says, “’Til death do us part”. Brooke responds by saying, “I hate you” approximately 812 times.

We get another A and E video narrated by Bully Ray, and this time, he describes each unmasked member of the group and why they turned on TNA. A ridiculous amount of this video is spent on Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff. Once again, nearly 10 minutes long.

Kurt Angle talks about tonight, and his match tonight is the most important in a year and a half, as it’s been that long since he was champion. He needs to prove he’s the best wrestler alive and the one to take down A and E, and that starts with the World title.

MATCH 3: Matt Morgan vs. Joseph Park
Morgan immediately shoves Park away, then piefaces him into the ropes. Park swings at him, but Morgan moves and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Morgan shoves him again, and Park shoves back before putting his fists up. Morgan drops him with a body blow, then screams “Forearm!” at him before hitting one across the back. Morgan continues to call his own moves as he does them. He hits a back elbow and a clothesline to the back of the head. Park climbs up to his feet in the corner, where he dodges an avalanche. Morgan rebounds and hits a discus clothesline. Headbutt by Morgan, and now he rakes the eyes over the middle rope. Morgan applies a modified surfboard stretch through the ropes. He calls for the Carbon Footprint, but misses and ends up crotching himself on the top rope. Park bounces Morgan back into the ring, hits a few punches and a clothesline. He ducks a clothesline and hits a running shoulderblock. Park goes to the middle rope and goes for the Closing Argument, but Morgan moves. He drops Park with the Carbon Footprint before falling on his own ass and gets the 3.

WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan should never use a pump kick as a finisher ever again. After all these years, he still can’t do it right.

AI stops Jeff Hardy to ask about Bully Ray. He says it means everything to get that belt back, but if it’s not him tonight, he knows Magnus, Joe and Angle are all ready to do it.

Mike Tenay is in the ring, and he brings out AJ Styles. Tenay says he’s known AJ for over 10 years and called every one of his matches in TNA, and considers them friends. Now he wants to know what’s been going on with AJ lately. AJ just stares at him. Tenay asks him about the rumors about alcohol and drug use. Taz cuts him off and says to let a professional do it. Taz says he saw the video on wherever the hell it is he’s from. Life’s about opportunities, and he was talking to the boys in A and E. So, he has a “PROSPECT” vest for AJ. He’d have to start off at the bottom, but the spot is his if he wants it. Taz makes fun of AJ’s motorcycle for a moment until James Storm comes out, mic in hand. He asks if this is the new AJ Styles, a guy who can’t even face who’s talking to him at the moment. That’s fine. He can be the new AJ with his new look, because the old AJ that Storm knew would say exactly what he thought about someone to their face. He can be the new AJ, but Storm is still the same douchebag. AJ can think about suckerpunching him again, but when you think about it, Storm is going to knock his teeth down his throat and spit out his stupid catchphrase. AJ stares at Storm for a minute before backing out of the ring. Storm says everyone wants to know what’s going on, but AJ isn’t listening.

Yet ANOTHER Bully Ray video, and this time it’s about Brooke Hogan and Sting. This one is a little shorter, only going about 5 minutes.

MATCH 4-4-Way Match to determine a new #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Magnus vs. Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy
As I said on Facebook, Magnus may be the most underrated guy in this company. All four men are legal at all times, it looks like. Magnus attacks Hardy as Joe attacks Angle. Hardy and Angle get beaten down in opposite corners until Hardy ducks a punche and ifres off some of his own shots. Magnus pushes Hardy into Joe, and Joe hits a clothesline. He clotheslines Magnus, then hits a hip bump on Angle in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. Snapmare by Joe, and he chops the back, kicks the chest and drops a jumping knee for 2. Magnus and Hardy are brawling on the outside as Joe hits a chop on Angle. Joe dodges Angle and sends him to the floor, where Hardy and Magnus beat him down. Joe takes them all out with a suicide dive. Commercials.

Back from the break, Angle is hitting Magnus with punches, but runs into an inverted atomic drop by Joe. Magnus hits a running boot and Joe hits a running senton as Magnus gets 2 on Angle. He hits the misdirection clothesline on Joe, then a running knee on Angle. Hardy goes for a cross-body on Magnus, but gets caught with a modified northern lights bomb. Magnus drops a couple of elbows, getting 2. Magnus applies a rear chinlock, and Hardy fights out until Magnus whips him back down. Outside Angle rakes Joe’s eyes. Back in the ring, Magnus hits a running elbow across Hardy’s back. He stops Angle and Joe from getting back in the ring, then stomps Hardy down in the corner. Joe gets back in, and Magnus meets him with some knee strikes before getting hit with a back elbow. Joe with a series of headbutts, but runs right into the MGD by Magnus. Magnus rams Hardy into the corner and hits some forearms. He sends Hardy into the opposite corner, where Hardy hits a spinning headscissors. Hardy with an inverted atomic drop, double legdrop and seated dropkick. He hits sit-out Twists on both Angle and Joe, then hits the standard version on Magnus. Hardy goes up top for the swanton bomb, but Angle cuts him off. Hardy shoves Angle down, and Magnus drops Hardy with a shot to the face. Angle hits an overhead belly-to-belly on Magnus and a release German suplex on Joe. Ankle lock is applied on Joe, and Joe kicks him off into Magnus. Hardy hits a swanton on Joe and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Big surprise there.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 14 and Recap

March 16, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Tonight, not only do we get the return of AJ Styles, but it’s also the first show after Lockdown, one of the most predictable cards TNA has put on in years. More on that throughout the recap. For now, the show is actually opening with a match.

Oops. My bad. No, it isn’t. What was supposed to be a tag title match with Aries and Roode defending against Chavo and Hernandez turns into Aces and Eights attacking Chavo and Hernandez right after they get into the ring. Oh, and the show is in Chicago tonight, BTW. Just pointing that out. Watching D’Lo and Knux (formerly Mike Knox) blubber it up in the ring is embarrassing. Devon grab the mic, and he tells the crowd to sit down and shut the hell up. This is the group that will dominate from now on. So, without further ado, let him introduce to you, the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, his brother, Bully Ray.

Ray makes his way out through the crowd, and some generic lyrics have been added to the A and E theme. Not only is Ray the new champion, but he was announced as the president of A and E. Big surprise there. D’Lo puts a vest on Ray, and Ray asks if we know who he is. Not a damn clue, no. He’s Bully Ray. He is the president of A and E. And he is the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. He’s the guy that used Sting. He’s the guy that screwed Brooke. He’s the guy that made a fool of Hulk Hogan. But you know what? He’s also the guy that made a fool out of every frickin’ one of you. For nine months, you bought into it. For nine months, they pulled the wool over your eyes. For nine months, you bought it. Devon, he cannot tell you how proud he was of Devon & A and E when they threw the hammer to Ray and he drilled Jeff Hardy in the back of the head. Ray never felt so proud. But it wasn’t supposed to go down that way. Remember at Lockdown when Wes and Garett came over the top of the cage? That when he was supposed to leave the cage. That’s when it was supposed to happen. Why didn’t happen? Because of Hulk. An hour before that match, Hulk sat him down and had a “father-to-son-in-law” talk. Hulk started to ramble about how Andre the Giant gave him advice to do something memorable. Ray couldn’t give a damn about Hulk’s advice, but he did something memorable. In one night, he did something the nWo could never accomplish during their entire run. Hulk, if you’ve got the balls, come out here and fire them. He dares you. It won’t happen. You can chant his name all you want, Hulk’s not firing them. They’re A and E, and when you ride with them, you’ll never walk alone.

Sting is in the back, saying Ray is digging his grave and the grave of TNA. Now Ray is in the fast lane, and it’s pissing him off. He’s going to get Bully, and he’s going to start by talking to Hulk.

MATCH 1: Gail Kim and Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky
Velvet Sky is still the Knockouts Champion, yet they showed Gail Kim with the belt in the opening graphic. Gotta love TNA and their screw-ups. Kim does a cut-away promo about Taryn Terrell being put on probation for putting her hands on Kim at Lockdown. Mike Tenay calls this a hometown welcome for Tara, despite the fact that she is from California and runs a business in Kentucky. Chicago is in neither of those states. Kim and Sky start the match. Sky blocks a kick and applies a side headlock. Kim shoves her off and shoulders her off the ropes. Sky dodges a legdrop, hits a Japanese armdrag and a standard version. She blocks a hip toss and hits a short-arm clothesline before tagging in James, and the faces his the old Tajiri/Whipwreck double leg whip. In the corner, James hits a kick to the gut and some mounted punches before knocking Tara from the apron. Enziguri by James for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and the heels are in control with Tara being legal. She hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner on James, but James fights out with punches, but Tara manages to apply the Tarantula for a 4-count. Outside, Kim throws James to the ground before rolling her back in the ring. Tara goes for a pin, getting 2. Kim tags in and the heels hit a double slingshot suplex for 2. In the corner, Kim applies a foot choke before getting in Taryn’s face. James uses the distraction to hit the Tunacanrana, and the two hit simultaneous clotheslines. Tara and Sky tag in. Sky hits a pair of jumping clotheslines and a back elbow. She ducks a clothesline and hits a headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Petey Williams, she isn’t. Kim breaks up the pin before shoving Taryn down. Taryn slaps Kim, and James comes off the top with a Thesz Press on Kim. Tara back in, and she hits the Widow’s Peak on James. She turns around and gets hit with In Yo Face for 3.

WINNERS: Mickie James and Velvet Sky.

We’re now in the A and E clubhouse, and they’re drinking beer. Ray says Hulk doesn’t have the balls to fire them, but if he does, he wants to propose a toast to all them and to the guys who stuck by him, A and E. Ray then remembers he hasn’t heard from his wife in a while, so he calls her. It immediately goes to voicemail, so he leaves a sarcastic message, then puts the phone on speaker so A and E can say “hi”. He tells her to tell her dad “hello”.

Before the next match, Robbie E tells Robbie T that what happened on Sunday was a fluke, bro, and tonight, T won’t be so lucky, bro.

MATCH 2: Robbie E vs. Rob Terry
E tries to attack from behind, but Terry shoulders him down before hip tossing him out of the corner. Pancake by Terry, and E goes to the corner. T hits a running back elbow and a delayed vertical suplex into a powerslam. He grabs E on his shoulders and hits the Freakbuster for 3.

WINNER: Robbie Terry. Terry does some stupid fist-pumping and dancing after the match to music that would make Fandango embarrassed.

Sting goes to the elevator.

Back in the clubhouse, Ray is complaining about no A and E merchandise at the tables tonight. He tells one of the guys to open up a TNA roster book, and whoever the page is opened to pays the price tonight.

We see Sting and Hulk Hogan in an office. Hulk is pissed and blaming Sting for everything. He knew all along Ray was rotten to the core, and now he has the World title. Now A and E has the whole company hostage. Now, his daughter is married to Bully. Sting says he has an idea. Don’t fire A and E yet, especially Bully. Let him have Bully tonight. Hulk says there is no more “we” anymore. He knows how this movie ends. This is the end. A and E has the title and his daughter. The movie is over, and so is Sting. Hulk has business to take care of and he doesn’t want to see Sting right now. Get out. You make him sick.

We see Austin Aries and Bobby Roode approach Sting as he’s leaving. Aries says you can’t blame Hulk for being upset, because it really is all Sting’s fault. Everyone told Sting Bully Ray was no good, and he didn’t want to hear it. He’s the reason why A and E are running things right now, and also the reason why they can’t wrestle tonight, thanks to their opponents being attacked by A and E. After that match, they were going to give Sting and Hulk a title match, too. Sting cuts them off and says he’s tired of talking, but instead wants to fight. He wants one of them, and Roode slowly backs away. Sting challenges Aries at that point.

Christy Hemme welcomes AJ Styles into the ring. His music hits, but no one is coming out. After a few moments, Bad Influence’s music hits instead, and they come down to the ring, dressed like The Road Warriors, Daniels as Hawk and Kaz as Animal. Kaz says that tonight isn’t just the first live Impact on the road, and it’s definitely not the first time AJ has disappointed his fans, but tonight Bad Influence brings back “Throwback Thursday”. Since they are in the “Second City”, they’re paying homage to the second-best tag team in wrestling history. Tell ‘em Chris! WELL…those warriors, that Legion of the Past, they were fake tough guys. Fake tough like AJ Styles and fake tough like every one of you. Bad Influence, however, are the real deal. They’re the original “ring warriors”, and they are the “Legion of Boom”. Oooh…what a tush! And on that note, you have permission to worship them now.

James Storm comes out, mic in hand. He tells BI they don’t have to run. He was listening to them run their bottle suckers, mocking AJ Styles and mocking one of the greatest teams in history. He’s pretty sure AJ will come out and let them know what he thinks of them. As for LOD, they’re bigger and more over than BI will ever be. And unlike these two douchebags, they were actually from Chicago. Now, onto the tough part, he can help with that. He’s going to decide which one of them wants to have the crap kicked out of them. Before they can decide, Storm slingshots Daniels into the ring.

MATCH 3: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. James Storm
Storm blocks a hip toss and hits his own before nailing a corner uppercut and a back body drop. He blocks a kick and hits a discus punch. Storm sends Daniels into Kaz on the apron and rolls him up for 2. Kaz trips Storm behind the ref’s back, and Daniels connects with a running knee. He stomps Storm down in the corner, then sends him hard into the opposite corner. Double stomp to the back, followed by some kneelifts. Daniels applies a waistlock, but Storm elbows out. He runs right into a shoulder, and Daniels follows up with a snapmare and a split-legged moonsault for 2. They trade some punches, and Storm comes back with a forearm, inverted atomic drop and a bulldog. He calls for the Eye of the Storm, but Daniels escapes and hits an uppercut, followed by a standing uranage. BME misses as Daniels lands on his feet. Storm hits Closing Time and calls for the Last Call, but Kaz causes a distraction. Daniels attacks from behind, but Storm sees him coming, ducks and hits a backcracker for 3.

WINNER: James Storm. BI double teams Storm after the match, stomping him down. AJ Styles walks down to the ring, still trying to look drunk and strung out. He clocks Kaz, and Daniels bails. AJ then nails Storm before heading towards the back.

Wes Brisco stops Kurt Angle in the back. As he turns, A and E jump Angle from behind and beat him down.

Joseph Park makes his way out. He says it’s an honor to be standing here tonight. It’s no secret it’s been a couple of crazy months for Park. In the UK, he got his first big win over Robbie E, and he even won again last weekend at Lockdown. With all of this early success he’s had, it’s made him reflect on the highlights of his life. Number one has to be graduating law school at the top of his class. Number two would have to be when he finally made partnership at the law firm of Park, Park & Park, who are here tonight in the nosebleeds. The highlight of his life to this point, though, has to be right here in front of his hometown of Chicago, IL. He grew up watching all of the Cubby games, which results in boos from the crowd. He panders to the Blackhawks fans after that before saying nothing has been as exciting as his time in Impact Wrestling, and he can’t wait for what’s next.

Matt Morgan interrupts things. He tells Park to back off before saying that Hulk making mistake after mistake is an understatement. Did the Bully Ray situation turn out the way you hoped? That being said, with all of the mistakes Hulk has made, none are bigger than this walking joke standing in front of him. The fact that you signed this clown to a pro wrestling contract on Impact is an abortion to the sport of wrestling. Here’s what he’s going to do, old man. He’s going to start eliminating Hulk’s mistakes one-by-one, starting with Park. So, unless Park wants his teeth knocked down his throat, he is strongly advised to get the hell out of Morgan’s ring now. Park starts to leave, but hesitates after Morgan calls Chicago a “dump city”. Park tells Morgan that, in Chicago, they never back down from a fight. So, if you want a fight, let’s do it right now. Morgan asks if he’s serious then says they don’t do things on Park’s time; they do them on Morgan’s time. Morgan leaves, but as Park turns around, he gets back in the ring and drops Park with a big boot. You can tell he was going for the Carbon Footprint, but they botched the spot. Morgan then tells Park his time is next week.

Back in the A and E clubhouse. Ray asks Hulk if he’s going to fire them. Chavo’s out. Hernandez is out, and now so is Angle. Grow some balls and fire them. If Hulk doesn’t come to them, they’ll go to him. They destroyed his family, and they’ll destroy his show as well. In fact, that sounds like a good idea. Let’s start right now.

MATCH 4: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries (w/Bobby Roode) vs. Sting
Sting immediately backs Aries into a corner and shoves him down. Aries takes Sting down and spins across his back before posing in the corner. Aries boots Sting in the midsection before applying a side headlock. Sting counters by picking Aries up and setting him across the top turnbuckle, where he punches and kicks him in the gut. A running kick causes Aries to hotshot himself and Sting goes for the Stinger Splash. However, Aries sees it coming and rolls to the outside. Back in the ring, Sting blocks a kick and strikes Aries several times before hitting an inverted atomic drop. Behind the ref’s back, Roode trips Sting and pulls him to the outside. Sting fights back with punches and throws Roode into the guardrail, where he hits a Stinger Splash. Aries comes off the top with a double axe handle, but Sting moves and Aries hits Roode. Sting throws Aries into a chair before celebrating on the apron. Commercials.

We’re back, and Sting is still in control. Go figure. Aries forearms him to the back off a Roode distraction, but Sting comes back with punches before clotheslining Aries to the floor. Roode causes another distraction, so the ref ejects him from ringside. Aries kicks the ropes as Sting is climbing back in, essential low-blowing him. Sting rolls to the outside, where Aries nails him with a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Aries goes for the cover, getting 2. Aries hits a jumping elbow drop for another 2. Foot choke near the corner by Aries before nailing Sting with a left jab, hitting a snapmare and a missile dropkick from the middle rope for 2. Spinal tap by Aries for another 2. Sting begins to fight back out of the corner with his weak-looking backhands, but Aries dropkicks him in the left knee before stomping it for 1. Aries boxes the ears, and Sting does the same to him. He goes for a dropkick, but Aries holds onto the ropes, sending Sting back-first to the mat. Aries goes for the scorpion deathlock, but doesn’t know how to apply it. Sting kicks him off, hits more backhands and turns him inside out with a clothesline. Sting hits an uppercut and goes for the scorpion, but Aries escapes and rolls to the apron, where he hits a hotshot. Up top, Aries hits a missile dropkick. Sting no-sells as Aries mocks him. Sting boots him in the gut and hits a weak gorilla-press slam. Aries crawls to the corner, where he dodges a Stinger Splash and follows up with a running corner dropkick. Aries hits a Stinger Splash of his own, then goes for the brainbuster. Sting counters into the Scorpion Death Drop, but only gets 2. Aries crawls to the corner again, and Sting connects with a slo-mo Stinger Splash. He applies the scorpion deathlock, but A and E attacks.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sting. A and E beat Sting down in the ring as Aries heads for the hills. Ray tells two of them to hold Sting up. Ray tells Sting he used him. Is that what Hulk meant by “do something memorable”? Do you think you’ll remember A and E now, Hulk? Where are you? Are you going to fire them? Where is everyone’s hero? Where are you, dad? Come on, Hulk! This is memorable. They have taken over Impact!

Hulk’s music hits. Why do I get the sickening feeling they’re building to a Hulk/Ray match for the title? Oh, because it’s TNA and Hulk Hogan. Duh. Anyway, Hulk comes out on crutches and stops on the stage. You know something, brother? Firing you would be the coward’s way out. It’d be too damn easy. For everything you’ve done to everyone, you’re not getting the easy way out, brother. Every dog has its day. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow. Live by the sword, die by the sword. And from this day forward, Hulk is empowering everyone in the TNA locker room to band together, to fight, and to eliminate A and E, brother. Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he, Magnus, Samoa Joe, Joseph Park, RVD, Kurt Angle, Rob Terry and Hernandez. After a few moments, A and E dominate the TNA roster. Chavo Guerrero is also in tere apparently, and they get rid of him pretty quickly. Angle gets back in the ring after being beaten down by Ray, but they beat him down as Ray climbs back in. He has a mic, and he asks “dad” if this is what he meant by something memorable. How’s this for memorable, you old bastard? Ray begins whipping the TNA guys with his wallet chain before heading up the ramp towards Hulk. He says that was Hulk’s cavalry, and they just got killed by A and E. What are you going to do now, dad?

End of show.

Well, for that being TNA’s first live Impact on the road, it was pretty much a throw-away show. Not a good start.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 7 and Recap

March 09, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s episode of Impact Wrestling is the “go home” show before Lockdown, which I will have predictions for later tonight.

Last week, we learned last week who will make up the teams for Lethal Lockdown, and man, is that match going to suck.

Kurt Angle enters the building and AI asks who the VP of Aces and Eights is. Angle said he’ll reveal the identity of the VP later tonight. This is a TNA problem, and no on in the company is safe.

In the Impact Zone, Austin Aries makes his way out. He and Roode will defend the World Tag Team titles in a 3-way match against Bad Influence and Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez. He says that, if there’s a better way to start Impact than him, it hasn’t been discovered yet. You’re looking at the common denominator of greatness, and that means wherever Austin Aries is, greatness is sure to follow. He can’t seem to get a hold of Bobby Roode, but that’s okay because, last week, without Roode being here, he still got the job done. Aries took out Hernandez and proved that being “Supermex” isn’t as good as being “the greatest man that ever lived”. After his victory, he graciously went out and found Buddy Ray & Jeff Hardy, and he gave them some words of confidence for their big title match in a few short days. Now, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Did they appreciate it? No. They disrespected him. Now it’s a whole new game. Last week, Buddy Ray told him he’d never again be the World Champion. Well, guess what? He’s about to prove Ray wrong, because he’s calling out the World Champion Jeff Hardy, and he’s challenging Hardy right now to a match right here, and if Hardy is half the champ he says he is, he’ll meet Aries in the ring and prove it.

MATCH 1: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries vs. World Champion Jeff Hardy (non-title)
Aries attacks Hardy before the bell with a suicide dive. He throws Hardy’s custom belt on the ground before stomping Hardy and throwing him in the ring. The match officially starts, and Aries continues the attack with lefts. Aries sends Hardy into the corner, and lands a running elbow. Aries gets 2 off a snapmare, then hits a jumping knee for another 2. Aries fires off some more lefts, then chokes Hardy over the bottom rope for 2. In the corner, Hardy begins to fight back with kicks and rights. He stomps Aries down in the opposite corner. He hits 10 corner punches and follows up by reversing a corner whip and going for a headscissors. Aries catches him and shoves him over the top rope and to the floor. Aries mocks Hardy in the ring as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and Aries is still in control. Hardy starts to fight back with rights. He ducks an elbow and goes for a sunset flip, but Aries rolls through and hits a dropkick for 2. Aries hits a series of elbows to the back of the neck, then goes for the brainbuster. Hardy reverses into a small package for 2, and Aries pops back up and hits a clothesline for 2. Aries boxes the ears in the corner, then lays in some open-hand chops and lefts. Hardy fights back, sends Aries into the corner, but misses an avalanche. Aries mounts the middle rope, mocks Hardy once more and hits a splash for 2. He screams at the ref for a supposed slow count, and Hardy sneaks in a schoolboy for 2. Aries gets back up, Hardy ducks a clothesline and hits a reverse enziguri. Aries recovers and runs into a sit-out jawbreaker. Aries goes to the corner, where Hardy hits an avalanche. Hardy hits some boots and a flying clothesline. Aries reverses a corner whip, but runs into a knee. Hardy mounts the middle rope and hits a splash for 2. Hardy calls for the Twist of Fate, and Aries shoves him off, but runs into a headscissors that sends him to the floor. Hardy dropkicks him through the ropes and hits a running cross-body from the apron. Back in the ring, Hardy calls for the swanton, but Aries cuts him off and knocks him to the apron. Aries goes for a suplex, but Hardy escapes, hits the sit-out Twist of Fate, then follows up with the standard version. Matt Morgan runs into the ring and drops Hardy with a Carbon Footprint, leading to the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Austin Aries. After the match, Morgan drags Hardy outside, props his head against the ring post and goes for another Carbon Footprint, but Buddy Ray runs down and steps between the two, challenging Morgan to a fight. Morgan backs off and begins heading up the ramp, telling Ray this has nothing to do with him.

In Sting’s office, he’s talking to Team TNA, encouraging each man individually to work their hardest in Lethal Lockdown. Sting then starts screaming and says he feels better. Tonight, he’s going to kick things off against anyone who gets in his face. His team, save for Eric Young, all look less than thrilled.

Kurt Angle is headed out to the Impact Zone, and he has the mask of The Black Scorpion in his hand.

AI stops Matt Morgan to ask what just happened. He says he knows what he wants and deserves. Jeff Hardy is the World Champion. Buddy Ray is the hand-picked #1 contender. Morgan made a promise when he came back that he would gut the roster until he got what he deserved, and he’s just getting started.

Wes Brisco makes his way into the Impact Zone. This should be stunning. Brisco says that, before Angle can come out and reveal the VP of A and E, he has to get something off his chest. His dad and uncle were one of the greatest wrestlers (oh yeah, this should be amazing), and they told him Angle was the best wrestler they have ever seen. Wes believed it and wanted to be Angle until he got the chance to meet him. Then he realized how worthless Angle really is, just like that tin medal around his neck for some sport the Olympics kicked out. This Sunday in the cage, Wes Brisco will be on top and Kurt, he will use you as a stepping stone, and the whole world will know that a Brisco is better than an Angle.

Sadly, I am relieved to see Kurt Angle interrupt things. Listening to Brisco is painful. Angle says he remembers things differently. He remembers the snot-nosed kids asking questions all the time. When he grew up, he called Angle all the time for advice. Wes isn’t like his dad or uncle. If you don’t respect Kurt Angle, you don’t respect the business. Angle made a mistake by trusting Wes, and he will rectify that at Lockdown by beating Wes within an inch of his life. Before he reveals the VP tonight, he’s going to whip Wes’ ass right now. Angle immediately takes Wes down and fires off some rights to the head, knocking Wes to the floor. The Elite Beat Agents run down and try to break up the fight, throwing them back in the ring to do so. That makes sense. Angle charges in, and D’Lo Brown kicks him in the balls. He knocks Al Snow to the floor as Wes Brisco does the same to Pat Kenney. Yes, D’Lo Brown, yet another retired wrestler, is now part of Aces and Eights. Man, this group is just the most elite faction I’ve ever seen. Brown gets a mic and says he came down to reclaim a little “club property”, holding the mask as he says it. He’s going to spoil Angle’s surprise by revealing that he is the VP of A and E. Recognize that, Angle.

We see A and E celebrating in the back as they hand Brown his vest. Brown says he’ll never take the vest off again, then tells Devon to get out to the ring and take care of business. Brown then says that, when he joined A and E on day one, he was told he’d never walk alone. He knows he can trust every member with his life. Sting, can you say the same thing? Can you trust the guys you’ll be in the cage with? He doesn’t think so. Aces and Eights forever, dawg. I hate this storyline so very, very much.

MATCH 2: World Television Champion Devon vs. Sting (non-title)
I’m so glad Devon defends his title all the time. He’s added such prestige to such a valuable belt. Sting attacks Devon before the opening bell, hitting some chops to the chest. Apparently, this is the first in a 3-match series tonight to determine who will have the advantage in the Lethal Lockdown match. Devon comes off the ropes with a spear. Rights by Devon, and he backs Sting into the corner, punching him down to the mat. Clothesline by Devon gets 2. Neck vice is applied by Devon, but Sting fights out. Devon rakes the eyes, then hits a neckbreaker for 2. Devon chokes Sting over the middle rope, then hits a bodyslam before mounting the middle rope. Devon misses a headbutt, and now Sting comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a slo-mo Stinger Splash. Sting clotheslines Devon to the floor and follows out, where he rams Devon into the guardrail a couple of times. He slams Devon into the steps, then back to the guardrail and the apron. Someone from the crowd throws something in Sting’s face and flees. Devon shoves Sting into the ring post and splits him open in the process. Back in the ring, Devon hits a big boot and gets the 3.

WINNER: Devon.

AI asks Velvet Sky how it feels to be KO Champion again. Gail Kim interrupts her as she gushes, saying she should split the belt with Taryn Terrell. Kim says she’s beaten Sky before and is undefeated at Lockdown. Sky slaps her in the face and walks off.

We see Bruce Prichard and Al Snow talking about Gut Check. Prichard informs Snow that Hulk Hogan has pulled Taz from being a Gut Check judge, and his replacement is “Nightmare” Danny Davis. Prichard notes that Davis trained John Cena without saying his name. Davis talks about Ivelisse, saying she’s gorgeous and a great fighter. Snow moves onto Lei’D Tapa, saying she has size, charisma and presence, plus is 2nd generation. Prichard says Tapa looked uncomfortable, and both Davis & Snow agree on that.

We now see the judges with the contestants in the back. Prichard calls this the toughest Gut Check they’ve ever had to decide on. Only one of them gets a contract, and he said it was tough, but they have to do it, and the decision is that Lei’D Tapa gets the chance tonight while Ivelisse Valez gets sent home. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Then again, Prichard’s a dumbass, so I shouldn’t be too surprised.

MATCH 3-6-Person Tag Team Match: Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels & Kazarian) and Gail Kim
Hernandez and Kaz start the match with a lock-up. Hernandez shoves Kaz into the corner before going back to the lock-up. Hernandez backs Kaz into the corner, and Kaz thumbs him in the eye before throwing him to the heel corner. Daniels tags in and fires off some forearms. He goes for a bodyslam, but Hernandez easily reverses into his own. Chavo tags and hits a seated dropkick off a Hernandez snapmare. Hernandez back in, who hits a bearhug suplex. He goes for the delayed vertical suplex, but Kaz runs interference. Hernandez ducks a double clothesline and hits one of his own. Chavo back in, and he dropkicks Daniels off a slingshot and follows up with a hilo. Chavo hits a European uppercut, nearly falling on his face in the process, then hits a spinning headscissors. Rights by Chavo, and Kim trips him off the ropes. Daniels boots Chavo down, then gets tripped by Sky. Chavo now fires off rights in the corner before getting hit by an apron clothesline from Kaz. Daniels chokes Chavo over the middle rope as Kaz tags in. Kaz hits a flipping neckbreaker, getting 2. Daniels back in, and he stomps Chavo down in the corner. Kim and Kaz take turns choking him behind Taryn Terrell’s back. Chavo fights out of the corner, but Daniels punches him before tagging in Kaz, and Bad Influence hits the slingshot elbow/leg combo for 2. Kaz applies a rear chinlock, but Chavo fights out before running into a dropkick. Daniels makes the fake tag, dropping an elbow for 2 before going back to the rear chinlock. Chavo fights out once more, but is clubbed down by Daniels. Daniels knocks Hernandez off the apron, and turns around into a dropkick. The knockouts tag in, and Sky hits a pair of clotheslines, followed by a spinning headscissors. Spear by Sky gets 2 as Daniels breaks it up. Sky slaps him, but Daniels blocks a second one, getting hit with a Pounce by Hernandez in the process. Hernandez turns around into a seated missile dropkick by Kaz. Chavo backdrops Kaz to the floor and heads outside, where Daniels hits a springboard moonsault, missing Chavo and hitting his partner. Hernandez follows up with Supermex. Back in the ring, Kim hits Eat Defeat for the 3.

WINNERS: Bad Influence and Gail Kim.

In the back, Sting is throwing a fit, hitting a chair with a bat as he’s surrounded by his partners. He screams about not trusting anyone, and wants to know if they can trust each other. Joe says he can trust him, and Magnus takes offense to that before saying sometimes he doesn’t even trust himself. Tonight, he shows everyone just who he is.

Up next, we get another AJ Styles update. Wonderful.

This time, we see a cameraman in a car pull up to some house where AJ Styles is hanging out. He grabs the driver and slams him into the side of his truck, tells him to leave and throws him in the driver’s seat before covering the camera lens with his hand.

MATCH 4-Garett Bischoff and DOC vs. Magnus and Samoa Joe
This is match #2 in the series tonight. A and E is up 1-0 right now. I miss Joe and Magnus as a team. They had surprisingly good chemistry despite just being thrown together. Joe starts the match by locking Garett in an arm wringer. Garett tries to reverse, so Joe immediately reverses the reversal. Garett tries to tag out, but Joe yanks him back to the middle of the ring. Joe beats Garett down in the corner until Garett rakes the eyes. Joe shakes it off and knocks Garett down before tagging in Magnus aggressively. Magnus gets a rake to the eyes by Garett, but also shakes it off and forearms Garett in the face. Garett rolls to the floor off an Irish whip, and Magnus follows, where DOC forearms him from behind. Back in the ring, Garett hits some double axe handles to the back. He fires off some rights, then chokes him over the top rope as the crowd chants, “You can’t wrestle”. At least I can agree with the Impact Zone on something for once. Garett grinds Magnus’ face across the top rope before tagging in DOC, who whips Garett in for an avalanche, then follows up with his own. DOC hits some body blows and a short-arm clothesline. Jumping splash to the back gets 2. DOC drops some elbows to the shoulder before applying a rear chinlock. We are informed AJ Styles will return next week. Magnus fights out with elbows, but runs into a goozle. He escapes the chokeslam, ducks a clothesline, then hits one at the same time DOC does. Joe and Garett tag in, and Joe hits an exploder suplex on Garett, and then double-teams DOC with Magnus, hitting a running senton for 2. Garett breaks up the pin before getting hit with a misdirection clothesline by Magnus. Magnus tags in, and Joe & Magnus hit the snapmare/flying elbow combo for 3.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe, who tie the series at 1-1.

Kenny King is in the back, talking about how he is the main event and the star of the X-Division. RVD, you are legend, but King is a rising star. Bring it on, as it doesn’t matter to him. He’ll shut whoever down he has to face, and will do what he can to hold onto this belt.

We see Eric Young, ODB and James Storm talking in the back. Sting approaches and Young says he has to pick one of them for this last match. Young says he’s funny, but what A and E did to him was not funny. They tried to take what he loves, that being wrestling. Sting had a feeling about him, so put him in the match tonight so Young can show him he made the right choice. Sting says thanks, but he has to go with Storm. Well, that was pointless.

It’s Gut Check time, and the judges are in the ring. Lei’D Tapa makes her way out, and it’s decision time. JB asks if she showed her very best last week as the crowd dumps all over her. They dumped all over Prichard too, BTW. Tapa says that, last week, she came out and showed everyone what she is capable of doing. She didn’t win the match, but her character showed, and what she’s capable of in the future. Obviously, mic work isn’t on that list. Up first is Danny Davis. The crowd is saying “no”, but what they’re missing is what he’s seen. He sees a future in Tapa, and his answer is yes. Prichard is up next, and before he gets to his decision. He sends a shout-out to William Moody, who passed away a few days ago. That was a nice touch, I will say. Now, back to business, Prichard says she has a great look and a great pedigree, and being in a ring looks natural for her. Believe it or not, though, for the first time, the crowd agrees with Prichard, and the answer is no. Tapa has 30 seconds to convince Snow the answer should be yes. She says that, 2 years ago, she started in the business. Last week, she came out to show everyone what she’s capable of. She may have lost, but she knows what she can bring to the KO division. She can dominate and bring something great. Snow takes the mic and also gives a shout-out to “Uncle Paul”. He knows where Tapa comes from and can see her talent. She clearly invokes a reaction from the crowd, so his answer is yes. Lei’D Tapa is now a member of TNA.

Up next, Storm/Anderson in the final match of the series.

We see Robbie E in the back. He rambles on about “The Book of Bro”, then goes onto ramble about facing Rob Terry at Lockdown.

MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. James Storm
Mike Tenay reminds us Anderson is a former 2-time World Champion. I think that was more to remind us that Anderson was once considered a main eventer and is now nowhere near that level, rather than as a way to list his accolades. Lock-up to start, and Storm applies a rear chinlock. Storm shoulders him off the ropes, blocks a hip toss and hits one of his own. Anderson thumbs him in the eyes out of the corner, then hits a clothesline. Anderson beats Storm down in the corner, then sends him hard into the adjacent corner for 2. Anderson with more punches and kicks before applying an arm wringer. Storm armdrags him off, but gets dropped with a clothesline for 1. Anderson goes back to the arm wringer and turns it into an armbar. Storm punches out, and now they’re trading rights. Storm hits a forearm off the ropes, followed by an inverted atomic drop and a bulldog. Anderson backdrops him to the floor, but Storm lands on his feet, hits a kick to the back of the head, then hits a running neckbreaker. Storm blocks a clothesline and counters a swinging neckbreaker into Closing Time. We see Aces and Eights come out through the crowd and form a line near the ring. Team TNA comes out and stands between the ring and the guardrail. In the ring, Anderson hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.

WINNER: Mr. Anderson. Aces and Eights now how have the man advantage in Lethal Lockdown. Because that really means much.

Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan are heading out to the ring, as is Jeff Hardy.

Ray and Brooke make their way out for this face-to-face confrontation first. Hardy is next, and Ray tells him it’s three days until they’re locked inside of a steel cage. Word on the street is this will be the biggest TNA PPV of all time. Three days until Hardy and Ray do what they do best, and that’s making professional wrestling history. They’ve done it before and will do it again. The fact that Hardy holds the belt is a big deal, but the fact that he’s battled back from so many personal demons is a bigger deal. Ray speaks for every fan as well as himself when he says he’s proud of Hardy. Hardy takes the mic and lists off his challengers, but he’s remained the champion. He knows Ray will beat the hell out of him on Sunday. Will it be enough? Whatever happens at Lockdown, he wants Ray to know he’s proud of him, too, for everything he’s done. Ray takes the mic back and says he’s proud of himself and their history, but he can honestly say he’s not proud of himself. Huh? He’s never looked back and said he’s proud of himself. The only way he can do that is to beat Hardy. He’s not going over the top of the cage or through the door; he’s going to beat Hardy with his best move. When he beats Hardy for the belt and declares himself new champion is when he’ll be proud of himself.

Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and he comes out on crutches. He tells the audience this is as big as it gets right now. There are a lot of guys in the back who want the spots Ray and Hardy have right now, but they are the best of the best. At the end of the day, this small company became a good little company. Now, this little company is ready for a change and will go onto greatness. Everyone in the back and in the company is looking for the next leader to take the company into the future, and we’ll find that out this Sunday at Lockdown. Hardy, you’ve been a great champion since October. Ray, he believes in you and everyone loves him like a brother. At the end of the day, may the best man win, brother.

We see Aces and Eights return to the ring. Ray pushes Brooke aside as he, Hardy and Team TNA begin brawling with A and E.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 28 Recap

March 03, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Last week on Impact, Bully Ray was named the #1 contender for the World title, despite doing absolutely nothing the last few weeks to deserve a championship match. Because TNA.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray walking into the building. AI asks for an update on Hulk Hogan, and Brooke says he’s better, and he’s resting at home. Ray basically says the exact same thing before he says that’s enough talking.

In the Impact Zone, Ray makes his way out alone. He points at Taz and calls him a coward before heading to the ring. Ray says that it’s cool to be back in the Impact Zone, but he’s also never been more pissed off in his life. Aces and Eights, for the past year, you’ve been running roughshod all over TNA. First, it was Hulk. Then it was Sting, Magnus, and just about everyone else. You ruined his wedding to Brooke. Last week should have been a huge week for TNA. We were all going to see the return of Hulk to the ring. But it didn’t happen, and that’s because of A and E. A and E, especially Devon, Ray swears to L. Ron Hubbard he is going to get his hands on you. He’s going to get his hands on you so bad (?) you’ll never want to step foot in a wrestling ring again. There is one other guy he wants to speak to, and that’s the one guy everyone here has been waiting to see for the past four weeks. He’s another guy A and E took out, and he’s the guy that he will be facing at Lockdown for the TNA World title. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy.

Hardy comes out with both belt, because a champion needs two belts different belts that represent the same championship. Makes sense. Ray tells Hardy that, never in his wildest dreams, did he think he and Hardy would be standing across from one another, getting ready to wrestle for the most prestigious singles World title in pro wrestling. Everyone knows about their history. But he has to be completely honest, he doesn’t feel right about this. He doesn’t want to get a shot at the title just because he’s Hulk’s son-in-law. There are a lot of other guys who might have been better choices than him. Hulk set up all those matches. He said he’d make his decision based on who in those matches impressed him the most. It wasn’t Ray, and he’s not sure this is the way he wants to face Hardy. He’s not positive if he’s the right guy to face Hardy at Lockdown. Hardy says that, first of all, it’s great to be back in the Impact Zone. And he loves the fact that Hogan chose him. He would have done the same thing. They’ve swung a lot of chairs and climbed a lot of ladders. And they’ve broken a lot of tables. Now they take it to the cage for the World title. They’ve reinvented themselves, and now they’ll reinvent history. May the best man win.

As the two are shaking hands, Bad Influence interrupt things. Kaz tells Ray he shouldn’t feel good about this situation, and here’s why. He didn’t earn this title shot. He didn’t defeat anyone to get it. Your daddy-in-law gave him the shot, just like he gave Ray his daughter. He can’t blame Hogan for that, though. After all, somebody has to rub lotion on her back and tweet tasteless photos of her, so it may as well be Ray. Daniels tells him that the only person who deserve the Lockdown match less than Ray is Hardy. Last month, Daniels outwrestled him, and the only reason Hardy got his hand raised was because of the paint on his face, as Daniels had an allergic reaction to it, and Hardy knows it. Ray and Hardy are happy to wrestle at Lockdown because neither want a piece of real men like Bad Influence. If they’re done glad-handing, get out of the ring, because it’s time to allow the people to worship them. Ray rips the mic out of Daniels’ hand, drinks his martini or whatever it is, then spits it back in the cup. Oh, that’s nice. He tells Daniels that real men don’t drink appletinis, and the faces begin beating down the heels. Hardy and Ray end up sending both members over the top rope, which likely means we’ll get a tag team match later tonight. To confirm this, Ray grabs a mic and challenges them to a tag team match for later tonight.

We go to the announce desk, and Taz is no longer there as Todd Kenely and Mike Tenay discuss tonight’s episode. Tonight, we’ll also find out who will be on each side in Lethal Lockdown. Gut Check also returns, and two women will compete for a contract. Up next, Velvet Sky defends the Knockouts title against Tara.

We see Sting watching a monitor and looking at names on a list. Magnus is also in the room, and he says one of the names on Team TNA should be him. This company took a chance on a 22 year-old kid who was green as grass. He’s not that kid anymore. Sting has mentored him during that time, and that means the world to him. He wants to pay that back. He’s not just Team TNA; he’s Team Sting. Why him? Why the hell not?

Gail Kim is joining the announce desk for color commentary for this match.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Championship: Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Velvet Sky (Champion)
Tara immediately boots Sky before shouldering her in the corner. Hairmare by Tara for 2. She goes for the pin again, getting another 2. Sky blocks a corener charge, dodges a second one and hits a pair of clotheslines and a back elbow. Spinning headscissors off the ropes, and Jesse trips Sky as she starts to go to the corner. Sky ducks a clothesline and hits a spear for 2 as Jesse pulls her to the outside. Referee Taryn Terrell ejects him from ringside after seeing that as Tara kicks Sky in the back. Tara gets in Taryn’s face, and she turns around into In Yo Face by Sky for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Velvet Sky. Tenay announces that Gail Kim now moves onto Lockdown against Sky for the title.

Austin Aries is in his locker room, on the phone with Bobby Roode. He asks where Roode is, as they have a big photo shoot. He mentions something about a 3-way tag match at Lockdown, and is interrupted by Chavo and Hernandez. Chavo tells him to be worried about his match tonight. Aries has said he can beat anyone, and Chavo challenges him to a match, but tonight, Aries is going one-on-one against Hernandez. God, Chavo sucks. It’s pretty pathetic when Hernandez has been cutting better promos than someone lately.

AI stops Kenny King asking where he goes from this point. King calls himself the X-Division, and he’s moving onto RVD next. He walks into RVD’s dressing room and wants RVD to admit King is better than him. RVD asks him how many times he has to beat him to prove he’s better. Tonight, King will get one more shot, and if he loses, he’s out of the division. King agrees to it.

Taz is back on commentary.

MATCH 2: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries vs. Hernandez
Hernandez backs Aries into the corner, and Aries slips through the ropes to get Hernandez off of him. Aries forearms him in the back before Hernandez boots him down. Crisscross ends with Hernandez blocking a hip toss, then hitting one of his own. Hernandez clotheslines him to the floor. Aries blocks Supermex then goes for a slingshot sunset flip. Hernandez pulls him up by his neck and hits a Pounce off the ropes. Aries blocks a corner attack and goes for a middle rope cross-body. Hernandez catches him and sets up a powerbomb, but Aries counters and sends Hernandez to the floor, where he is hit with a suicide dive. Aries goes to the top rope and hits a double axe handle to the back. Back in the ring, Aries hits a snapmare, stomps on the face and goes up top. He mocks Chavo and goes for a frog splash, but misses. Hernandez boots him out of the corner, backflips to outside and hits a slingshot battering ram. Warrior Press by Hernandez, and now he calls for the Border Toss. Aries escapes and hits a rolling elbow. Hernandez recovers quickly and knocks Aries to the floor with another Pounce. Aries decides he’s had enough and walks up the ramp, so Hernandez throws him back into the ring. Aries has the title belt in his hands and just gives it over to Hernandez. As the ref takes it from Hernandez, Aries pulls out a chain and clocks Hernandez with it. The ref turns around in time to count the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries.

Sting and Joseph Park are in the back. Park is eating ribs, as he now knows what a rib is. Get it? Hilarious. Park then asks Sting to be a part of Lethal Lockdown. Sting says he’ll think about it before stopping Matt Morgan, who is walking by. Sting asks Morgan to join Team TNA at Lockdown to make a name for himself. Morgan says no because anyone who is associated with Hulk Hogan is guilty by association. Guess they’re still doing that storyline after all.

MATCH 3-World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam (non-title)
King gets a jobber non-entrance. Normally, that would irritate me, but his entrance theme really sucks, so that’s fine. Lock-up to start, and King goes to a side headlock. King avoids a back body drop, but runs into a pair of hip throws. RVD goes to a side headlock himself before ducking a clothesline and hitting German suplex. Nearly folded himself in half on that one. As RVD is playing to the crowd, King knocks him to the floor. He misses a corkscrew plancha, and RVD nails a side kick from the apron. RVD sets King on the guardrail and goes to the apron for the spinning legdrop, which connects. Commercials.

Back from the break, RVD hits a jawbreaker, avoids a back body drop, but gets taken down. King hits a snap suplex and floats over into some mounted punches. King goes fro a pin, getting 2. RVD fights back from his knees until King cuts him off. Corner whip by King, but he runs into a boot. RVD hits a bodyscissors into a pin for 2, nails a couple of clotheslines and a thrust kick. Rolling monkey flip, but King lands on his feet before running into a spinning heel kick. RVD connects with Rolling Thunder, and he goes up top for the Five-Star Frog Splash, but decides to go with a 450 instead and misses. King goes for a pin, but only gets 2. King goes for the Royal Flush and hits it, getting 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Kenny King.

Sting is stopped in the back by Kurt Angle, and Angle wants to see the list of wrestlers for Lethal Lockdown. Angle is surprised by Sting’s choice of “him”, and Sting says he’s taking a chance, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Aces and Eights make their way out to the ring, and it’s the five unmasked members, minus Brisco. Devon asks Sting if he honestly believes he has a team that can take on A and E. You honestly think you have a team that can dominate this club? Sting, he doesn’t know what you’re thinking, but what he thinks is that you’re drinking the Kool-Aid Hogan has been dishing out all these years, not only to the idiots here, but all of them at home as well. He told you before that this is the team that will dominate TNA. This is the club that will dominate in 2013. This club right here-DOC, Knox, Anderson and Bischoff along with himself. All Sting is doing is giving a lot of empty dreams, broken necks and shattered dreams (?). Let him lay it to you like this: It’s going to be no different than BFG. The same thing that happened there will happen at Lockdown. The thing about that, Sting, is that you’re going to lead your team to the slaughter. Now you testify to that.

Speaking of Sting, he makes his way out onto the ramp. Devon wants him to testify? He will. His first teammate will get a killer response, and that’s because he is a killer, that being Samoa Joe. His next teammate is really sorry about their damn luck, and that’s James Storm. They inch closer to the ring as each guy is announced. Now, they are three. His next teammate is making his victorious return to the Impact Zone, and that’s Magnus. Now, they are four and just need one more, and their fifth is something new. He’s talking about someone who was put out by A and E. It will be showtime. Anderson keeps interrupting him, and Sting keeps saying it’s showtime. Eric Young hits the ring from behind, and now the two teams are brawling in the ring. Team TNA clears the ring.

Ivelisse Valez is introduced through a video package, as she is one of the Gut Check contestants tonight. If the name sounds familiar, she was on the last season of Tough Enough and is former NXT star Sofia Cortez. She talks about training in MMA, and sacrificing her relationship with her mother to pursue her wrestling career.

We see A and E storming out to the parking lot, and they’re upset about what just happened. We see Kurt Angle begin to follow them.

We are introduced to Lei’D Tapa, the other Gut Check contestant tonight. She is from Tonga, and is the real life niece of The Barbarian. We see her training with him, which is admittedly pretty cool. And he’s still physically a beast, BTW.

MATCH 3-Gut Check: Ivelisse Valez vs. Lei’D Tapa
I’m actually excited about a Gut Check match. Shocking, I know. Tapa is a big girl, and completely towers over Valez. Valez hits a forearm before she runs into a goozle. Tapa hoists her up, and Valez counters into an armdrag. Spinning back kick connects, and Valez applies a guillotine. Tapa manages to throw her off, catches her in a fireman’s carry, but Valez escapes and applies a rear naked choke. Tapa breaks free and gets hit with some kicks before dropping Valez drops her with a boot. Tapa connects with a clothesline, and actually has to crouch down a bit to do it. Bodyslam by Tapa, followed by a headbutt. Tapa sends Valez hard into the corner, then sends her into the opposite one. Valez avoids a charge and hits a DDT. More strikes by Valez, followed by a hurricanrana off the ropes. Tapa rebounds and hits a Samoan drop for 2. Valez quickly grabs her in the guillotine as Tapa is arguing with Taryn Terrell, and Tapa eventually taps.

WINNER: Ivelisse Valez. A little rougher than I was expecting, but far from the worst Gut Check match they’ve ever done. I’m betting Valez gets a contract next week. Tapa looked alright, but her inexperience (only 2 years) definitely showed.

Austin Aries enters Jeff Hardy’s locker room and makes fun of Hardy doing squats. He says he knows he has a big match tonight and one at Lockdown, and he’s pulling for Hardy. Here’s why. Right now, Ray is the “golden child”. When Aries faced Hardy, that was Hardy’s position. Doesn’t feel very good, does it? He hopes Hardy retains the title, and just wanted to tell him that.

AJ Styles update time. We get an interview with his wife Wendy, and she talks about his life. We also get some comments from a friend of his named Jay, and the whole thing is overly dramatic in the same vein as the interviews with Bobby Roode’s family/friends back when he turned heel. We see AJ enter his house to overly dramatic music, and he’s done up to look strung out, like he’s been doing some binge drinking for the past few weeks. He gets mad when he sees the camera crew and speeds off on his motorcycle.

We get a video package for the storyline involving The Robbies. Apparently, TNA thinks enough people give a damn about this potential feud. I’d like to know who these people are and hit them.

Back to the Impact Zone, Robbie E is in the ring. He says that, sometimes in life, a bro has to admit when there’s a bigger bro, and there’s a better bro. And Robbie E has come to that realization. So, Bigger Rob…er, Rob Terry, please come to the ring, bro. Terry comes down to the ring, and E says this has gotten way out of hand, bro. Slapping him in the face last week was E crossing the line. He risked them being bros, but more importantly, he risked their friendship, bro. Them being friends the past 2 years has meant the world to him, and tonight, he’ll show Terry, bro. He’s not going to be jealous anymore, and Terry is the better bro, bro. And he’s going to let Terry prove it. For old times sake, how about one more bro-off? Terry agrees, and E goes first. He then tells Terry he’s the bro-off champion, so for once, he realizes it’s Terry who deserves the spotlight. He’s going to leave the ring so Terry can give the people what they want, bro. Terry does the stupid dancing bit now, and as you would expect, E cracks him over the head with a framed poster. E holds his fist in the air, and Terry has no-sold the shot, getting up while E has his back turned. He pulls the poster off, and E falls out of the ring.

Buddy Ray is warming up in the back with dumbbells, and Aries correctly points out he’s doing it wrong. Aries then basically gives him the same speech he gave Hardy. Ray cuts him off and says it won’t work. He compliments Aries about how good he is, then tells him to get used to wearing a tag title, because that’s as close to a championship as he’s going to get.

We see Kurt Angle still outside, and he enters what appears to be the A and E clubhouse. The cameraman doesn’t follow him in.

MATCH 4: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) vs. Bully Ray and World Champion Jeff Hardy
Daniels and Ray start the match with a lock-up. Daniels hits a kneelift and a chop to the chest. Ray rebounds with a clothesline, then hits some headbutts to the chest. Open-hand chop by Ray, and he throws Daniels back to the corner for another one. Back body drop to the incoming Kaz, and Daniels hits a forearm. Kaz tags in, and Bad Influence hits a double suplex. Ray gets back up and hits a double clothesline. Double punches, followed by a double Flip, Flop & Fly. Hardy comes in to clothesline Daniels to the floor, and Ray hits a back suplex on Kaz. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hardy is now legal for his team. He whips Kaz into the ring from the apron, and the faces hit Poetry in Motion. Daniels runs into his own partner, and they go for Poetry again. Kaz trips Hardy, and Daniels sends Ray to the floor. Apparently, Daniels is now legal somehow, and he sends Hardy into the corner before stomping him down. Kaz tags in, Daniels hits a clothesline and hip tosses Kaz onto Hardy for 2. Kaz applies a double chicken wing, and Hardy fights out before being sent back to the heel corner. Daniels tags in, and Bad Influence hits a sidewalk slam/springboard legdrop combo. Daniels goes for the pin, getting 2 as Kaz knocks Ray off the apron. Hardy blocks a corner charge and hits Botch in the Wind. Ray tags in, hits a couple clotheslines and a back body drop. Hip toss for Kaz, followed by a clothesline. Uranage for Daniels gets 2. Kaz goes to the top, and Ray press slams him off. Sidewalk slam on Daniels for 2 as Kaz breaks it up. Ray sends Kaz to the floor before tagging in Hardy. Bodyslam by Ray and Hardy goes up top for the swanton. Kaz knocks him to the apron, then hotshots Ray. Daniels hits an enziguri on Ray and an STO on Hardy for 2. Kaz with some mounted punches on Ray in the corner, but Ray shoves him off and hits a mafia kick. He hoists Daniels on his shoulders, and Hardy goes up top. Ray hits an electric chair, and Hardy connects with the swanton bomb for 3.

WINNERS: Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy. That match was a clusterf*ck.

We’re back to Kurt Angle, and he’s in the clubhouse. He beats down Mr. Anderson, then takes a pipe to Devon before brawling with The Black Scorpion. Angle grabs him by the mask and cracks him over the head with what looked like a lamp. Angle takes the mask off and begins screaming, “How could you?” as the camera is angled so we can’t see BS’ face? As Angle is looking shocked, the rest of the unmasked members attack from behind and beat him down.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 21 Recap

February 24, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling is once again in London, and tonight, we get an X-Division title match, as well as 4-way for the Knockouts Championship.

Big surprise, Hulk Hogan opens the show. He’s had some tough choices to make, and it was good to have everyone in the building involved in his choice, but things didn’t pan out they way he thought they would. When he was in the decision-making process and had the #1 contender dialed in, brothers, Aces and Eights stuck their nose in TNA business once again. But, out of everything bad comes something really good, and it gave him a week to think of a #1 contender. After one long week of thinking who the man should be to take on Jeff Hardy, he decided that man stood out above everyone else and rose to the occasion and he’s the only man for the job, so now he gives us the #1 contender…Buddy Ray.

Buddy Ray comes out, and he’s pretending to be shocked. So much for all of those matches last week, huh? Ray comes out stuttering. He is in shock right now, and reminds Hogan he’s hurt, partially tearing his quad in the tables match a couple weeks ago. Hogan calls him the toughest SOB in the company. Ray reminds us of everyone who was fighting last week, saying they deserve it more than he does. All he’s ever wanted was Hogan’s respect, and the greatest day of his life was when he married Brooke. He wants to make the Hogan family happy, and he wants to become the World Champion. But Hulk, we have bigger business right now. This is just a suggestion-tonight, in the main event, a six-man tag team match. One side, three members of A and E. On the other, Buddy Ray, Sting, and let’s see…we need one more guy. You know something, Hulk, he thinks that guy should be Hulk. Of course he does. I love watching cripples wrestle. Ray calls him dad, and Hogan agrees, brother.

We see Bobby Roode and Austin Aries complaining about Chavo and Hernandez last week. Eventually, they’re interrupted by Bad Influence. Daniels gives them a bunch of two-faced compliments before saying they have an 8-man tag match tonight, telling Aries and Roode to follow their lead tonight. Aries and Roode then argue a little bit more.

MATCH 1: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels & Kazarian), and World Tag Team Champions Austin Aries & Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez, Joseph Park and James Storm
I love hearing London sh*t all over Chavo and Hernandez. Daniels and Storm start the match with a Storm uppercut. Daniels applies a side headlock and shoulders Storm down off the ropes. Crisscross ends in a back body drop by Storm. Storm clotheslines him to the floor, and Kaz attacks from behind, throwing Storm out. Hernandez comes in, and now there’s a brawl between both teams. The faces dominate, throwing the heels to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and Chavo and Kaz are legal. Chavo hits a spinning headscissors before tagging in Park. Park hits a forearm in the corner, but gets thumbed in the eye. Kaz ducks a clothesline, but Park blocks a cross-body. Daniels chopblocks Park, and Kaz shoves him into the heel corner. Kaz fires off some punches before tagging in Aries. Roode also comes in, and they kick Park in the corner before going for a double suplex. Park blocks it, and now the champs are arguing. Daniels tags himself in and throws Park into the corner for some strikes. Daniels stomps Park down before tagging in Kaz. They hit the slingshot elbow/legdrop combo before Kaz tags Daniels back in. Daniels applies a neck vice and uses a foot choke for 4. Punches to the head by Daniels, and Park fights back. Aries tags himself in, then Roode does the same. Kaz then tags himself in, and now the heels are arguing. Bad Influence get hit with a double clothesline, and now Park is crawling to the corner for a tag. Aries and Roode decide they’re done with the match and avoid a tag, walking away. Storm tags in for the hot tag offense. He hits a forearm on Kaz and a neckbreaker on Daniels. Backcracker on Kaz, and Closing Time on Daniels. Hernandez tags in and hits a Pounce on Daniels. Chavo hits a frog splash on Daniels and a tilt-a-whirl on Kaz. Storm hits the Last Call on Kaz before tagging in Park. He mounts the middle rope and hits a big splash. For whatever reason, Chavo makes the cover and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez, Joseph Park and James Storm.

We find out that the Ray/Hardy match at Lockdown will be a cage match. Big surprise, considering that’s the whole damn point of the PPV.

Another video for Rockstar Spud, who is still a douche.

MATCH 2: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Rockstar Spud
Spud backs E to the corner, where E boots him down. Back elbow by E, followed by a stomp. Spud hits a dropkick, but runs into a boot in the corner. E mounts the middle buckle for a diving forearm, which connects. He pie-faces Spud, and Spud fights back with strikes. E drops him with a kneelift, then corner whips him. E misses an avalanche and runs into a pair of clotheslines, followed by a tilt-a-whirl DDT. Spud goes up top, but he misses a guillotine legdrop. E grabs his clipboard, but T won’t give it up. E turns around and Spud turns a bodyscissors into a victory roll for the 3.

WINNER: Rockstar Spud. After the match, E gets in T’s face and begins poking him in the chest. E slaps him after a brow-beating, so T throws the clipboard down, takes his shirt off, and backs off, heading back up the ramp. T leaves the ring and begins stalking E up the ramp.

The Knockouts title match is up next. We see Tara with Jesse heading towards the ring.

MATCH 3-4-Way Elimination Match for the Knockouts Championship: Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara (w/Jesse; Champion)
Brooke Hogan is going to watch the match from ringside. Jesse has been ejected from ringside, and it looks like all four are legal at all times. Tessy with a victory roll on Kim for 2. Tara rolls up Tessy for 2, then Sky does the same on Tara. Tessy goes for the victory roll on Tara, but Tara electric chairs her, sending her to the floor. The heels pair off on Sky, beating her down. Sky fights out with strikes, but not for long. Double corner whip, and an avalanche by Tara. Kim hits a corner body attack, and Tara hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Kim breaks it up for whatever reason, and now the heels argue. Kim shoves Tara, and now they trade forearms and chops. Tara gets the best of it and hits a back body drop. Tara misses a corner attack when Kim slides to the apron. Tessy resurfaces and pulls Kim down to the floor. Kim grabs her by the hair and goes to crotch her on the ring post, but Tessy blocks it and turns it into a bulldog on the floor. In the ring, Sky fights Tara off with punches, and Tessy comes into to join her. Sky hits a clothesline on Tara, and Tessy does the same. Tara rolls to the apron, where she hotshots Sky. Tessy whips Tara back in, but gets tripped into the bottom rope. Tara hits a bodyslam near the corner and goes up for a moonsault, which connects. Sky comes back in and hits In Yo Face on Tara. Kim attacks Sky before she can make the pin, throws Sky out and gets the pin on Tara.

Tara is eliminated, and we’re guaranteed a new champion tonight. Tessy hits some clotheslines and a forearm on Kim, then hits Tessticular Cancer. Tessy goes up top, but Kim stops her and climbs up for a superplex. Sky comes in and the three do the Tower of Doom spot. Sky goes for the pin on Kim, getting 2. She goes for one on Tessy as well, getting another 2. Sky goes for In Yo Face on Kim, but Tessy goes for a roll-up. Sky rolls through and gets the pin. Miss Tessmacher is eliminated.

Kim attacks Sky from behind before corner whipping her. Sky blocks the charge, hits a couple clotheslines and a spinning headscissors. Kim comes back with a dropkick and rolls Sky up with the ropes for 2. Taryn Terrell sees the rope assist and refuses to count three. Kim argues with her before turning back to Sky, shouldering her in the corner. Sky counters a corner charge with a roll-up, but Kim holds onto the ropes. Terrell shoves her off for refusing a rope break, and Sky hits In Yo Face for 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Velvet Sky.

We’re in Hogan’s office, and he’s with Sting. He asks Sting to watch his back tonight. Hogan tells Sting he’ll be there for him when he leaves. Sting walks into his own locker room, where Buddy Ray is standing. Sting says everything is locked and loaded, and he’s happy to be tagging with both of them.

Video package for AJ Styles. Mike Tenay informs us that the cameras are being sent to Gainsville, GA to get the fans up-to-date with AJ, and that footage will air next week.

Video package for the Angle/Joe vs. Tomax/Xamot feud.

MATCH 4: Garett Bischoff vs. Samoa Joe
Joe backs Garett into the corner, where Garett immediately goes for the ropes. Garett ducks a boot and a clothesline before diving to the floor. Joe follows, so Garett rolls back into the ring to hit some double axe handles. Joe fights back with chops until Garett thumbs him in the eye and chopblocks him. Garett stomps Joe down before applying a legbar. Garett strikes Joe in the corner until Joe comes back with rights. Garett kicks him in the knee and hits a clothesline. Garett breaks a choke at 4, then goes back to the knee with kicks. Joe comes back with headbutts, so Garett rakes the eyes and hits a flying shoulderblock for 1. Garett applies a rear chinlock, and Joe fights out. Garett goes to the eyes again before running into a back elbow. Clothesline by Joe, followed by another, an inverted atomic drop, a running boot and a running senton. Joe goes for the Face Wash in the corner, which connects. He calls for the Muscle Buster, setting Garett up in the corner. Joe hits a chop first, then decides to yank Garett down instead as Wes Brisco hits the ring.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Samoa Joe. He takes Wes down with a headbutt before Garett chopblocks him once more. Garett and Wes are now beating Joe down when Kurt Angle runs down to the ring. Garett and Wes bail and jump over the guardrail. Angle says he didn’t forget about them. He got Wes his contract, and he’s glad he did, because the pain he’s going to inflict is going to be 100% legal. At Lockdown, it will be Wes vs. Angle in a steel cage. It’s real. It’s damn real.

UP next, RVD defends his title against Kenny King. Again.

MATCH 5-World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
Can someone explain why King comes out to an entrance theme that’s a combination of country and techno? King attacks from behind, knocking RVD to the floor. Outside, King stomps RVD down before ramming him back-first into the ring post and hitting a bodyslam on the floor. King breaks the count, then continues the attack on RVD, choking him over the barricade. Back in the ring, King goes for the pin, getting 2. Another bodyslam by King, but he misses a springboard legdrop. RVD hits a jumping roundhouse, shoulder thrusts in the corner, and some forearms to the face. King reverses a corner whip, but RVD blocks the charge. He goes for a jumping kick, but King whips him back to the mat. King mocks RVD before going for the pin, getting 1. Jumping roundhouse by King connects for 2. King applies a rear chinlock and whips RVD down as he tries to fight out. King goes for another pin, getting 2. King hits a float-over suplex into some mounted punches for 2. RVD hits a quick kick to the head, but King rakes the eyes, staying in control. He applies a modified abdominal stretch, and RVD fights out. King forearms him in the back, then sends him into the corner. RVD counters the charge with a spinning heel kick, then hits several strikes before throwing King into the corner. He throws him into the opposite corner before hitting a high kick to the face. Clotheslines by RVD, followed by a thrust kick. Rolling monkey flip out of the corner, but King lands on his feet and hits a running knee strike. King goes for the Royal Flush, but instead throws him face-first in a sloppy-looking spot for 2. Back up, King misses a knee strike in the corner, and RVD capitalizes with a springboard thrust kick and Rolling Thunder. Up top, RVD hits the Five-Star Frog Splash for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.

We see Brooke and Hulk Hogan walking around in the back. Hogan says he’s had enough, and he needs to do this for himself and their family tonight. Brooke tells him, “Have fun!” Yes, that’s what she really said.

We get a video for Ray/Hardy. Funny how Hardy already has comments about Ray being the new #1 contender. It’s as if this was all pre-recorded. But that couldn’t be, right? RIGHT?!

MATCH 6-Mr. Anderson, World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Sting, Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan
God, I hope this is short. Hogan’s music hits, but he doesn’t show. His music hits again, but he no-shows once more as A and E attack Ray and Sting. Guess this will be 3-on-2 for the moment, as the bell has rang. DOC beats down Sting as the other two pair up against Ray. Ray comes back with a double clothesline on Devon and Anderson, and he’s limping around. Sting hits a Stinger Splash on DOC, and Ray drops him with a clothesline. Commercials.

We’re back, and Anderson & Ray are legal. Anderson is beating Ray down, and he tags in DOC. DOC hits some forearms to the chest over the top rope, then hits a boot to the face for 1. DOC fishhooks the mouth, then hits a knee to the face. Devon tags in, and he tees off on Ray. Ray fights back, but Devon knocks him down and connects with an elbow. Anderson comes in illegally behind the ref’s back, and Ray fights out of the corner. Anderson tackles him back and tags in DOC, who hits some rights to the face. Devon back in, who hits a snapmare and applies a rear chinlock. Ray counters with a back suplex, but Devon stops him from making a tag. Anderson tags in and drops an elbow on Ray before hitting some rights. He chokes Devon behind the ref’s back as DOC tags himself in. DOC beats Ray down in the corner, but Ray comes back with some shots. He hits some chops to the chest and some rights until DOC connects with a kneelift and tags in Devon. Devon goes to the ropes, but runs into a spear. Sting tags in, and he attacks all three heels with chops and kicks. He ducks a DOC clothesline, and DOC connects on Devon. Scorpion Death Drop on DOC, and Anderson breaks up the pin. Bodyslam on Anderson, and he tells Ray it’s time for Wassup?! We see Tomax and Xamot haul Hogan out onto the ramp, and Hogan appears to be beaten up. We also see Mike Knox and Black Scorpion bring Brooke out. Ray chases them off, leaving Sting alone. Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathlock on Anderson, but DOC nails him with a mafia kick and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Mr. Anderson, Devon and DOC. Brooke and Ray are checking on Hogan on the ramp as A and E triple-team Sting in the ring. BS, Knox, Tomax and Xamot join them in the ring, standing triumphant.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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-Dustin

WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 14 Recap

February 16, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week, TNA Impact Wrestling is “live” from London, and as you would expect, Hulk Hogan is opening the show. Mike Tenay has Wembley Arena confused with Wembley Stadium, so the night is already off to a great start. Hogan panders to the fans for a moment. He heard noise when he slammed giants and won titles, but this sounds pretty damn sweet, brother. Since we’re on fire in London, he’s got a couple big things going down right now. First off, the fate of the TNA title hangs in the balance at Lockdown. Back there, there’s so much talent, and he finally found eight guys that rose right to the top. Tonight, we’re going to have four matches to find out who he picks to be the #1 contender at Lockdown: RVD vs. James Storm, Christopher Daniels vs. Magnus, “The Human Cyborg” (Really, Hogan? Are you this stupid?) Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe, and just to make sure his feet fly off the ground, the last match will feature two former champions as Bobby Roode faces Austin Aries. At the end of the night, he’ll come back out here, jack, and he’ll pick the #1 contender to face Hardy. The other business at hand is the business of Aces and Eights. A and E called out the whole roster, and they want a war to end all wars at Lockdown. So, Hogan thought about it for half a second, made a phone call to a brother from another mother, and he made him team captain. That man will speak for himself now, and that’s, “the greatest wrestler of all time”…Sting. Thought Hogan would name himself after that claim. Regardless, I disagree with that title being placed on Sting.

Sting makes his way out, and he says it’s showtime in London. The fans here in London are not just some of the best in the UK, but some of the best in the world. Now, those scumbags in A and E made their challenge, and Sting accepts. He’s going to do the same thing Hogan is doing-look up and down the roster and find himself three killers to be on his team at Lockdown. He promises they will tear some heads off at Lockdown and put an end to A and E. Sting then spouts off Hogan’s catchphrase, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked yet tonight.

MATCH 1: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. Magnus
Despite Hogan’s pandering of Magnus earlier (since they’re in the UK), he will not be seriously considered for a title match. Same with Daniels. Too bad, because Magnus could really be a major star if TNA pushed him right. He’s young, has a good look, has improved dramatically in the ring since his debut a few years ago, and his mic skills are light years beyond where they should be, given his relative inexperience. He reminds me a lot of Wade Barrett in that regard. Daniels starts with an arm wringer. Magnus counters, and Daniels counters with a side headlock. Magnus breaks free and lands a shoulderblock off the ropes. Daniels backs him into the corner, but Magnus fires off some rights. Powerslam into a suplex by Magnus, then he throws Daniels to a corner. Kaz hotshots him as the ref is distracted, and Daniels connects with an STO. Nightmare on Helms Street gets 2. Daniels applies a neck vice. Magnus fights out, and Kaz trips him. Daniels connects with a clothesline to the back of the neck for 2. Magnus fights back with rights, but Daniels hits a uranage. He goes for the BME, but Magnus moves. Daniels lands on his feet, and Magnus hits a running boot. Kaz jumps on the apron, and he gets an uppercut. The ref ejects him shortly thereafter, and as Daniels goes onto the ramp to argue with the ref, Magnus back body drops him back into the ring. Magnus hits a pair of clotheslines before missing the misdirection version. Daniels goes to roll him up, but Magnus blocks and hits the misdirection clothesline. He calls for the Michinoku Driver #2, which connects. Up top, the flying elbow connects for 3.

WINNER: Magnus. The elbow needs work, but to be fair, Daniels was out of position.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray in a dressing room. Ray is beating himself up, saying things weren’t supposed to go down the way they did. An injury wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. He wanted to marry Brooke and win the title, but the second one hasn’t happened, and it will now have to wait. After Brooke apologizes, Ray says he won’t let this ruin their time together on Valentine’s Day, so they’re going to buy her the shoes she wanted, then go to the restaurant she likes, then they’re going dancing. She gives him guff about taking on his wedding ring.

Joe/Angle is next.

Magnus is in the back, and he says he’s a pup compared to some of these guys. Since he was 19, this has been his only occupation. That was taken away from him by A and E and a hammer. When your dream is taken from you and you realize how badly you need it, you use that to fuel you, and he has more fuel in his tank than anyone else in this business. A world-class athlete just proved to the world he has what it takes to be champion.

MATCH 2: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
We get some prerecorded comments from Angle about wrestling being eliminated from the Olympics, claiming that he will work with TNA to get the sport put back. I guess he doesn’t realize that the Olympic committee isn’t going to care what a sports entertainment company thinks of them. I personally have no opinion on this at all, as I don’t follow the Olympics in any conceivable way. Keep it or don’t, I really don’t care. Joe starts with a side headlock before shouldering Angle down, knocking him to the floor. Angle gets back in and fires off some shots, and Joe reciprocates. Running hip bump and spin kick in the corner by Joe. Snapmare by Joe, followed by a chop to the back and a kick to the chest. Jumping knee connects for 2. Joe with a European uppercut, but Angle counters with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle begins attacking the left knee of Joe, then foot chokes him in the corner. Suplex by Angle gets 2. Snapmare by Angle, and now he applies a rear chinlock. Joe fights out, but Angle drops him with a back elbow. Commercials.

We’re back, and Joe is fighting out of a front chancery. Angle ducks a clothesline and goes for the Murder-Suicide, but Joe blocks it. Angle comes back with some shots until Joe forearms him in the face. Joe blocks an Irish whip and sends Angle to the floor. Joe hits him with a suicide dive, and now both men are down. Angle rolls back in, and Joe follows. He hits Angle with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Angle escapes a powerbomb and hits the Murder-Suicide. Joe avoids the Angle Slam and hits the ST-Joe out of the corner. He calls for the Muscle Buster, but Angle avoids it and hits a dropkick from the middle rope. Angle Slam connects, and Joe no-sells it before applying the Kokina Clutch. Angle rams him back-first into the buckles to break it, and applies the ankle lock. Joe rolls through after a minute, and the two simultaneously hit clotheslines. As Angle gets back up, Tomax and Xamot come in, causing the double DQ.

WINNER: No contest. Brisco and Garett continue their beatdown until Angle and Joe fight back. The heels bail before it goes on too much longer.

We see Dixie Carter in the back with the three losers from British Boot Camp. She says that, although Rockstar Spud won, this audience is crazy. Tonight is their first opportunity to be seen on Impact, so they need to show the world what this country saw on this show. Yeah, I don’t know either.

MATCH 3-6-Person Tag Team Match: The Blossom Twins (Hannah and Holly) and Party Marty vs. Gail Kim, Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Marty and Jesse start the match, and Jesse drops Marty with a kneelift. Shoulderblock by Jesse. Marty comes back with a snapmare and a kick to the back. Marty slaps Jesse, and Jesse comes back with strikes. Marty connects with a sloppy springboard moonsault for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and Jesse tags Tara in. One of the Blossom Twins tags in. The announcers don’t mention their individual names at all, so I’ll just call this one Hannah. Hannah hits an armdrag, and a dropkick gets 2. The announcers finally mention the Twins’ names as Holly tags in. The twins hit a double sidewalk slam. Tara tags out to Kim, who gets hit with rights by Holly. Holly hits a back elbow from the middle rope for 2. Kim beats her down, but Holly blocks a bodyslam and goes for the pin. Taryn Terrell is distracted by Jesse, so she can’t count it. Tara kicks her in the back, and Kim connects with a clothesline. Tara tags in and hits a hairmare. Kim tags back in and hits a backbreaker for 2. Kim hits the corner body attack for another 2. Tara back in now and she gets 2 off a forearm shot. Tara hangs her by the hair, hits a bodyslam and goes for the standing moonsault. Holly blocks with her knees, and she crawls to the corner to tag in Hannah as Kim tags in on the other side. Hannah fires off some rights, a pair of clotheslines and then sends Kim hard into the buckles. Tara comes in, and gets a big boot for her troubles. The twins double flapjack Kim onto Tara before Hannah drops Holly into a reverse electric chair onto Kim. Hannah gets 2 as Tara breaks up the pin. Holly boots Tara to the floor, and Jesse comes in to flex. Marty comes in with a seated dropkick from the top rope, and he botches the living hell out of a suicide dive. In the ring, Kim connects with Eat Defeat for 3.

WINNERS: Jesse, Gail Kim and Tara. On the replay, we see that Marty came head-first right onto one of the support beams for the barricade. Not good, Bruno. Kim gets on the mic and calls herself the most dominant Knockout in the company. And Taryn, thank you very much for not being your incompetent, blonde, bimbo self and doing your job right for once. And Tara, you have something she wants. She wants the KO title back, and she happens to know that Ms. Hogan has arranged for her to defend the belt next week, so Ms. Hogan, why don’t you make everyone’s life easier and come out here to give Kim what she deserves.

Brooke Hogan heads out and says she hears Kim’s plea and knows she wants a shot at the title. She’s going to grant it, but that’s not all. She’ll wrestle Tara, as well as Miss Tessmacher in a 3-way. Tessy comes out, and Brooke says she’s not done yet. These three will also be wrestling, making the match a 4-way. Sky joins Tessy on the ramp. Brooke says the match will be an elimination match, and just to make sure no shenanigans go on, Brooke will be at ringside watching.

MATCH 4-World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm (non-title)
I missed the first part of this match, as the feed I had for it on YouTube started the match right in the middle. RVD hits a monkey flip and a roundhouse in the corner. Jumping side kick, and Rolling Thunder gets 2. Front powerslam near the corner, and RVD goes for the split-legged moonsault, which connects for 2. They now trade rights, and Storm comes off the ropes with a DDT for 2. They trade more rights, Storm ducks a roundhouse and hits an uppercut. Out of the corner, he hits the Alabama Slam for 2. RVD blocks the backcracker, but doesn’t block Closing Time. Storm signals for the Last Call, but RVD blocks and hits a spinning heel kick. RVD goes up top for the Five-Star, but Storm knocks him to the apron. RVD blocks a ram to the buckle with a high kick and goes for the Van Terminator, but misses. Storm hits the Last Call and gets the 3.

WINNER: James Storm.

Joseph Park enters Hogan’s office, where Hogan and Brooke are talking. Park says he knows Hogan is looking for an opponent for Hardy for Lockdown, and some of the boys have been telling Park that, if he wants to get anywhere in this business, he has to learn how to politic. Hogan tells him he doesn’t have to do that. Park is confused about what politicking is, and Hogan tells him he needs to ask the boys what a rib is.

We see Brooke putting makeup on after the commercials, and she’s talking to her dad about Buddy Ray. Hogan says he has to keep an open mind, as he’s got eight other guys who want a title match. Brooke tells him Ray got into the business because of Hogan and wants to be just like him. She tells him to soften up. Hogan says he’d love to have a son-in-law as champion, but he has to remain objective. He will definitely take Ray as a contender under advisement.

MATCH 5: World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries
Before the match, Roode tells Hogan that it’s taken him a week to screw with their plan. Last week was just the beginning, becoming the new tag champs. They intend on winning all the gold in TNA and finally bring some prestige and honor, finally bringing back honor and prestige to them. Aries calls tonight’s plan transparent. With him and Roode on the same page, the plan won’t work. They know what has to be done and what’s right for business. They each go for a “Fingerpoke of Doom”, but argue about who’s going to lay down. Aries grabs a mic and calls this a little miscommunication, then refuses to go down. Aries says he’s the bigger man, and he’ll lay down for Roode, no problem. Aries lays down and Roode goes for the pin. As the ref counts 2, Aries reverses and gets 2 of his own. A shoving match starts as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and we’ve got a lock-up. Aries backs Roode into the corner, and they shove each other a few times. Aries applies a side headlock before a crisscross ends with Aries doing a cartwheel. Aries taunts Roode from the buckle and then goes for a slingshot sunset flip. Roode drops down and holds the ropes, getting 2. Another shoving match starts and Aries goes for a side headlock. Roode shoves him into the corner, but Aries jumps over him and schoolboys him with the ropes for 2. More shoving, and now they’re trading rights. Aries hits some forearms and nails a rolling elbow. Roode comes back with a spinebuster for 2. Aries slides out of a powerslam attempt and shoves Roode into the buckles. Roode counters the running dropkick by setting Aries up on the top rope from his shoulder. Roode goes for a superplex, but Aries fights out. He boxes the ears, knocking Roode to the mat. He goes for the 450 splash, but Roode moves. Aries rolls through as Roode goes for the spear. Aries counters the spear with the Last Chancery, and Roode breaks it by going to the eyes. Roode applies the Bowflex, and Aries eventually counters into a pin for 2. Aries boots Roode and goes for the brainbuster, but Roode slides out and we get several standing switches until Aries shoves Roode into referee Brian Hebner. Roode hits a back elbow and rolls to the floor to grab a chair. He hits the mat with the chair, then falls down to make it look like he got hit. Aries does the same thing. They both tell Hebner the other hit them, and now the two are arguing over who hit who. We see Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez come out onto the ramp, and they’re wearing Aries’ and Roode’s shirts. The two leave the ring to confront the former champions, and Hebner counts them both out.

WINNER: No contest.

We see Hogan and Sting talking in the back, and Hogan’s rambling about what Brooke just told him. Sting tells Hogan he’s got the best talent in the world in this company, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to make the decision for the new #1 contender. Hogan starts to go down the hall the wrong way until Sting points him in the right direction. Foreshadowing, I’m sure.

Hogan makes his way back into the arena, and he says it’s been crazy in the back because of all the energy from the crowd. It’s not about him anymore (HAHAHAHAHAHA!); it’s about the 8 guys we saw throughout the night. It’s decision time, and each of those 8 guys wants to be the man. Now, he’s got to pick one of them to face Hardy at Lockdown. Before he can finish, Aces and Eights hit the ring and surround Hogan. Buddy Ray limps out, chain in hand. The members of A and E drop back down to the floor as Ray enters the ring. He holds them off until Sting’s music hits, and he’s got 3 baseball bats. Each of the faces takes one as A and E leave the area.

End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 7 Recap: New Tag Team Champions

February 09, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s episode of Impact kicks off with a…well, not a bang. What’s less effective than a bang? No, pop is still too strong. Let’s say “nacho fart”.

Yes, this week’s TNA Impact Wrestling episode starts off with a nacho fart as the newest members of Aces and Eights, Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, make their way out. Could A and E have picked two guys people could care any less about? I’m thinking I should change their name from the Wonder Twins to Tomax and Xamot. Anyway, they are accompanied by the rest of the unmasked members of the group, as well as The Black Scorpion. Devon tells us that, a few weeks ago, he said A and E would dominate 2013. You know something? Not only are they dominating, but they are kicking the front door right into TNA (Huh?). After what they did to Kurt Angle last week, he’s sure everyone would love to see that again. This is the group that will destroy TNA. We get a montage of the history between Angle and the group, as well as the involvement of Tomax and Xamot. Back to the ring, Devon says to Mr. Anderson that, when he told Ken he had a plan, he was oh-so-right. Now, without any further ado, he introduces the new members of A and E, Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. Oh, this should be stunning. Garett thanks Devon, then calls the crowd disrespectful. To hell with all of you. This is his new family. His loyalty and respect lies with A and E. Now it’s Brisco’s turn. He says he did this because of you, Hawk Hogan. No, that’s not a typo; that’s really what he said. Anyway, Hogan didn’t answer Brisco’s phone calls for 2 years. Then, he told Brisco he had to start at the bottom and climb his way to the top. A Brisco on the bottom? And then, he wants to throw Brisco in a Gut Check match? Who gave Hogan his first pair of wrestling boots? A holla famer, his father (Again, his words). With the A and E on his back, that’s his ticket to climb to the top of the ladder. Back to Devon. If he was Kurt Angle, he wouldn’t dare think of coming back to TNA. As for you, Hogan, you want to surprise them with a Tables Match? That’s fine. Understand one thing: A and E always has backup. They will always have an ace under their sleeve. Testify.

You know, it’s already bad enough when Devon is the best talker in a segment. When he can’t even do that right, though, there’s a huge, HUGE problem. And TNA, don’t ever give Wes Brisco a microphone ever again. For any reason. At all. Ever.

We see Tara and Jesse in the back, talking about sending someone a message on MySpace. They barge into Brooke Hogan’s office, complaining about being booked in coach seats on the plane. Brooke calls them petty and selfish, as she’s been dealing with so much stuff. Tara bitches about being tired. Brooke tells her she’s wrestling Miss Tessmacher, and Jesse is banned from ringside for that match. For now, he can get Brooke a coffee.

MATCH 1-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
I am so sick of 3-way X-Division matches. The heels beat RVD down in the corner. RVD boots Ion, followed by an uppercut on Ion by King. RVD hits a springboard thrust kick on King just before Ion and RVD collide in the ring. RVD gets knocked to the floor, and Ion gets clotheslined to the floor by King. King takes RVD out with a corkscrew plancha as Ion climbs back in the ring. He overshoots a somersault plancha to the floor, nearly taking himself out on the guardrail. Back in, Ion hits a top rope seated dropkick on King. King counters a corner charge with an Oklahoma Roll. Ion rolls through and goes for a Buzzsaw, but King ducks and counters into a half-Boston crab. RVD breaks the hold with a boot to the head. King comes back with a modified Dragon Whip, followed by a jumping roundhouse for 2. King telegraphs a dropkick, and RVD capitalizes with a spinning legdrop. He goes for Rolling Thunder, but Ion trips him up on the outside. RVD hits a monkey flip on him, followed by a step-over spinning heel kick on King. Ion comes off the middle with a tornado DDT on RVD for 2. King breaks up the pin and calls for the Royal Flush on Ion. Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker for 2 as RVD pulls him off from the outside. Ion goes for a baseball slide on RVD, but RVD sidesteps him and hits a clothesline. Back in, RVD appears to go for the 5-Star on King, but King rolls out of the way. Ion comes in and RVD leaps at him. Ion ducks as RVD lands on his feet. RVD goes for a cross-body, but Ion ducks, sending the champ back to the floor. He hits a neckbreaker on King off a hotshot for 2. He calls for the 450 splash, but King comes back with rights. He hits a corner charge and goes for a suplex, but RVD is back in, and he breaks up the move. King clotheslines him back to the floor as Ion rolls him up for 2. Ion hits a dropkick. King blocks a middle rope moonsault, then hits a running seated dropkick. Northern lights suplex by King for 2 as RVD breaks it with a 5-Star Frog Splash on King. He covers Ion for the pin, getting 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are entering the building. Aries says that, when they work together, they are unstoppable, and they are taking the tag titles home tonight. Roode agrees, and tonight, it’s not about ego; it’s about them walking the same path. Aries says that, when they have all the gold, everyone will follow their lead.

There’s a video for TNA’s new UK-only show, British Boot Camp. It’s a Tough Enough-type show, and it was won by some wrestler calling himself Rockstar Spud. We see some clips of the show, including training by the wrestlers. All four of them are total twigs who look like they have absolutely no business anywhere in a wrestling ring: Rockstar Spud, Party Marty, and the Blossom Twins. Jesus. Later tonight, we get an introduction to Spud.

We see Bruce Prichard and D’Lo Brown talking about Tomax and Xamot’s “shocking turn”. Prichard says there will be hell to pay when Kurt Angle comes back, and it’s his and D’Lo’s fault for allowing Brisco on the roster.

Jesse is in the ring, and he has something disappointing to say. Brooke Hogan has banned him from ringside on his very own girlfriend’s matches tonight. Don’t worry; he’s going to give the fans exactly what they paid their hard-earned money for, and that’s the chance to see a true Hollywood star, because quite frankly, who do these people have to cheer for? So none other than himself. Get your cameras and cellphones out, because this will be one “pectacular” photo opportunity. Kill me now.

James Storm’s music hits. Still waiting to be killed. I welcome death. Storm says he was listening to Jesse run his “bottle sucker”, talking about taking some pictures. These people don’t care about taking no pictures. They came to drink some beer while watching someone get beat up. Tara saved him last week, but she’s not out here this time, so Storm is going to give the fans what they want. He’s going to kick the crap out of Jesse, then drink some beer, then he’ll pick Jesse up so these people can see him with no teeth in his mouth.

MATCH 2: Jesse vs. James Storm
Storm fires off some rights and uppercuts. Jesse thumbs him in the eye, then hits some rights of his own. Back elbows in the corner by Jesse, and now an abdominal stretch is applied. Storm blocks a clothesline and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Storm hits some rights and a forearm. Inverted atomic drop by Storm, followed by the Eye of the Storm. Kick from the apron by Storm, followed by a running neckbreaker. Spinebuster and Closing Time, and Storm calls for the Last Call, which connects in slow-mo for 3.

WINNER: James Storm. After the match, the poor man’s Stone Cold Steve Austin drinks some beer after doing a stupid ventriloquist bit with Jesse.

MATCH 3-World Tag Team Championship: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (Champions)
You know, I actually had a brief conversation with Todd Keneley a couple nights ago over Facebook. While I’m not a huge fan of his work thus far (to be fair, though, he’s still very new), I do have to say that, sadly, despite the collective experience of his broadcast partners, he’s the best commentator the company has ever had. And I mean since day 1. That’s not a knock on him; that just shows you how badly Taz and Tenay now suck at their jobs. Roode and Chavo start the match with a lock-up. Roode applies an armbar, and Chavo counters into a side headlock. Chavo goes into a waistlock. Roode elbows out, and Chavo comes back with a spinning headscissors and a dropkick. Aries tags himself in, and Hernandez is now legal as well. As a heavily tattooed man myself, I can tell you that Hernandez’s tattoo work absolutely sucks. Hey, it matches his promo skills! Aries applies a side headlock, so Hernandez picks him up and sets him across the top buckle. Aries ducks a clothesline and cartwheels to avoid a back body drop. He goes for a tag, but Roode isn’t interested. Aries turns around into a standing avalanche. Hernandez goes for a delayed vertical suplex, but Roode comes in and pulls Aries down. He boots Hernandez and they go for a double suplex. Chavo comes in and instead helps Hernandez hit a double suplex of his own. Chavo tags in. Hernandez hits a bodyslam, and Chavo follows up with a tope con hilo. European uppercut by Chavo, and as he goes to the ropes, Roode trips him and drags him to the floor. Aries goes for a suicide dive as Roode holds Chavo, but Chavo moves out of the way, causing Aries to slam into Roode. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hernandez tags in, who hits an avalanche in the corner for 2 as Roode breaks up the pin. Chavo back in, who hits a snapmare and low dropkick. They trade chops in the corner until Chavo hits another European uppercut. Hernandez back in, and he bodyslams Chavo onto Aries. Hernandez hits a splash for 2 as Roode breaks it up again. Chavo back in, and the crowd could care less about the champs. Chavo knocks Roode off the apron, and the distraction allows Aries to hit a rolling elbow. The heels make the fake tag, and Roode stomps Chavo down. Back elbow for 2. Snapmare by Roode, and Aries tags himself back in. Roode hits a rolling neck snap, and Aries comes in with a spinning European uppercut to the back of the head for 2. Roode back in, and he beats Chavo down in the corner. He takes Chavo out with a clothesline for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Aries back in, and he hits a gut shot. Foot choke on the apron sends Chavo to the floor. Outside, Roode slams him into the apron. Aries comes down with a double axe handle from the top rope. Back in, Aries gets 2 with his feet on the ropes. Roode tags in as Chavo fights out of the corner. Roode prevents a tag and applies a rear chinlock. Aries makes a fake tag off a distraction by Hernandez, and Aries applies a rear chinlock. Aries sits on Chavo’s back before going back to the hold. Aries tries the sit-down again, but Chavo turns on his back and his knee connects with Aries’ groin. Comedy. Chavo kicks Aries off, but right into his own corner, where Roode makes the tag. He prevents Chavo from tagging out and beats him down in the corner. Chavo shows he’s been watching Alberto Del Rio tapes as he goes to the top for a moonsault, misses, lands on his feet and rolls through. The two simultaneously clothesline each other, and now both are down. Aries tags in, as does Hernandez. Hernandez with the luke-warm tag, and the crowd could not give a damn about “Supermex”. He hits an over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop on Aries for 2 as Roode breaks it up. Hernandez hits a slingshot shoulderblock on Aries, and then hits a Pounce on Roode. Chavo back in, who hits the 3 Amigos, and the crowd hates it. Aries blocks the 3rd and goes for the brainbuster. Chavo slides out and shoves Aries into Roode. The heels start pushing each other and Roode tells Aries to kiss his ass before leaving the ring. Chavo hits a suplex and Hernandez comes in. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss as Chavo climbs up top. Roode returns to the ring in time to shove Chavo to the mat as Aries slides out of the Toss. As the ref is checking on Chavo, Aries low blows Hernandez and Roode throws him to the floor. Aries hits a running dropkick in the corner before throwing him into a spinebuster by Roode. Aries goes up top and hits the 450 splash for the first time in quite a while, and it’s enough to get the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode.

We see Brooke, Buddy Ray and Sting in the back, talking about tonight’s main event. Hulk Hogan walks in, so Sting and Brooke leave. Hogan says he’s glad his new son-in-law has his head in the game. The main event was made for Ray, and this is the end tonight. This is to make sure Ray proves how wrong Hogan has been about him. Ray says that, with all due respect, he ain’t no good guy. Just because he’s good to Brooke doesn’t make him a good guy. He didn’t forget what A and E did to everyone, including what happened during the wedding. He’s Buddy Ray. He ain’t no good guy; he’s a very bad one. I guess no one told Ray “ain’t no” is a double negative, which means he called himself a good guy before calling himself a bad guy, which cancel each other out. Hogan says that, for the sake of their family, he hopes he knows who Ray really is. This ends tonight, and he wants Ray to end it for all of them. Ray says, “Consider it done…dad.”

Video package for AJ Styles’ long, drawn-out, go-nowhere storyline.

MATCH 4: Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Tara (non-title)
Tessy rolls Tara up for 2. Tara comes back with a kneelift before slamming Tessy’s face into the mat while screaming Jesse’s name. Hip throw by Tara, and it’s turned into a side headlock. Tessy fights out, but Tara hits a shoulder. Tessy trips her before a crisscross can happen, followed by a Dropsh*t. Tessy botches a victory roll, sending Tara face-first into the mat. She turns her over for a pin, getting 2. Tessy stomps her in the corner, hits a hip bump and a Stinkface. Tara rolls to the outside, so Tessy throws her back in. Tara stops a top rope attack and hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Hairmare by Tara, followed by a hair hang over her back. Tara applies a full-nelson now. Tessy ass bumps her way out of it, so Tara whips her down by the hair. Tara goes for the pin after a choke, getting 2. Tessy rolls her up for 2, and Tara comes back with a clothesline for a 2 of her own. Tara locks on a rear chinlock. Tessy fights out, and gets hit with another clothesline. Tessy comes back with forearms, hits a couple jumping clotheslines, a jumping forearm and a hurricanrana. She goes for the Mug Shot, but Tara hotshots her into the buckle. Tessy recovers and hits the Brooke Shield for 3. Kenely referred to it as the “Tess Shot”. I like my name better.

WINNER: Miss Tessmacher.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring, and he welcomes Rockstar Spud to the ring. Man, is this guy a douchebag. He should team with Zema Ion. The can call themselves “Summer’s Eve”. JB congratulates him on winning British Boot Camp. Rockstar Spud says he’s in the building. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Finally, he’s right here where he always wanted to be: in this ring, in front of thousands of his own countrymen. He is the newest member of the Impact Wrestling roster.

The Robbies interrupt thing, and E takes the mic from JB. He says the fact that Spud earned a contract is a travesty, bro. That is, of course, unless we’re hiring midgets. You, Spud, you’re not a rockstar; you’re a pizza delivery boy, bro. Hey! Get me my pizza, bro! You’re lucky T is holding him back, because he’d take you out, bro! If he told T to knock him out, he’d do it, bro. He’d knock you out, you hamster. You’re a piece of garbage, bro. T does what E tells him to do, bro. T is slowly getting irritated, so he bends down to pick up his clipboard, which allows Spud to knock E out of the ring. E orders T to take Spud out, but T pretends like he can’t hear. T starts to fist pump, so Spud turns fist into devil horns.

We see Sting and Ray walking in the back. Ray says Sting has had his back since the beginning. He’s not letting Sting down tonight, and they’re going to put A and E through tables. Brooke stops them and asks if they’re ready. Sting tells her to literally get her game face on. Ray tells her to put on the war paint.

MATCH 5-Tag Team Tables Match: World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Bully Ray and Sting
The faces tee off on the heels to start the match, beating them down in adjacent corners. Now in opposite corners, the faces send the heels into each other, then hit a pair of clotheslines. The beatdown continues before Ray throws DOC to a corner. Then another. Double clothesline for DOC. Double back elbow for Devon. More punches by the faces. Taz just pointed out that “ain’t” isn’t in the dictionary. A few years ago, that was true. However, it is now officially a word in the English language. Taz is a moron. In opposite corners now, and Ray hits a Stinger Splash on Devon. Sting then hits one. They send DOC into the corner on Devon. Ray hits a double avalanche, and Sting hits a double clothesline. Devon gets thrown to the floor as DOC is clotheslined to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and DOC is hitting rights on Ray. Ray comes back with a big boot. DOC rebounds, hits a big boot and a clothesline. DOC takes off his belt and chokes Ray on the outside. In the ring, Devon attacks Sting with rights until Sting comes back with a clothesline. Sting hits a bodyslam, and the faces go for What’s Up?, which connects. Ray orders Sting to get the tables. Sting does the same to Ray. Ray grabs a table and throws it in the ring. DOC and Devon recover and take the faces out. Devon pulls the table to the middle of the ring. They go for a double suplex, but Ray moves the table. DOC attacks him from behind and sends him to the floor. DOC sets the table up once more as Devon sets Sting on it. Ray drags Devon to the floor, where they hit simultaneous clotheslines on each other. Back in the ring, DOC is going to the top when Sting recovers. Sting goes for a superplex, but Mike Knox runs in and moves the table. He holds Sting up for a shot by Devon, but Sting ducks, causing Devon to punch Knox. Sting fights off Devon and DOC, and he hits the Scorpion Death Drop on DOC. Devon knocks Sting to the floor and sets up the table as Ray gets back in the ring. Ray “Hulks up” as I choke on my own bile. Ray hits three punches and a big boot before chokeslamming Devon through the table.

WINNERS: Bully Ray and Sting. The Hogans come out applauding.

End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin
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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 31 Recap

February 04, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling features another installment of Open Fight Night. As you can probably tell, I’m beside myself with glee. We’re also in the United Kingdom, so at least there’s that.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a steel cage is on-tap, and Dixie Carter’s major surprise announcement that TNA will go on the road permanently from here on out. Oops.

Bad Influence make their way out, and they’re both dressed like Sir William Wallace. Kaz says they’re here for the UK’s viewing pleasure. As you can see, it once again “Throwback Thursday”, and they’re going all the way back to the 13th century. Tonight, they pay homage to the real true warriors of the UK, the Scots (they’re in Manchester right now, in case you were wondering). All of you “piss artists” and “turd burglars” need to look at this man, Christopher Daniels. I’m not listing off all of Kaz’s dumbass catchphrases that he just spewed. Daniels says he hears everyone booing. He knows they’re disappointed Jeff Hardy is still champion. They’re disappointed, too. He makes some cracks about getting poisoned by Jeff Hardy’s facepaint. He then calls the crowd tossers, because gay jokes are apparently funny. He will get another shot at the title somewhere down the road, and when he does, he’ll bring the title back to this rotten country. Everyone knows there’s nothing easier than beating the English. Until that day, he now gives the crowd permission to worship them.

Magnus’ music hits, and the hometown boy gets a nice response. Good to see him back, as I think he’s very underrated. He has his own theory on Daniels not being champion: it might be because Hardy beat him like he owes Hardy money. It might be because Daniels is a grown man who uses words like “shabbledab” and “appletini”. Or, it might be because Bad Influence are a couple of disrespectful muppets who are in need of a good slap. If they feel like being William Wallace for a night, though, and feel like fighting an Englishman, Magnus is one. They can fight him. Daniels responds by shoving Magnus, so Magnus decks both of them. Bad Influence begin double-teaming him until Magnus backdrops Kaz over the top rope and boots Daniels. He clotheslines Daniels over the top to the floor before saying it’s an honor and privilege for everyone in the company to do what they do for the fans that pay to see them do it. That privilege was taken from him by Aces and Eights, led by a man he’s calling out, since it’s OFN. Devon, get out here and face him one-on-one. Now.

MATCH 1: Magnus vs. World Television Champion Devon
Devon isn’t wearing the title belt, which just shows you how little it means. Magnus drops Devon with a clothesline before throwing him to the floor. Magnus heads out and throws him into the guardrail. He does this a few more times before throwing Devon back in the ring. Devon kicks the ropes as Magnus comes back in, then connects with a clothesline. Choke over the middle rope by Devon, followed by punches in the corner. Magnus fires back with rights, so Devon rakes the eyes. Legdrop by Devon as he mocks Hulk Hogan. More rights by Magnus until Devon drops him with a flying shoulderblock. Devon applies a trapezius claw until Magnus fights back. Devon lands a clothesline off the ropes, then hits a bodyslam. From the middle, Devon misses the headbutt. Magnus with a pair of clotheslines and a running knee. Misdirection clothesline by Magnus, and he connects with a Michinoku Driver #2. Before he can get the pin, Mike Knox and DOC run interference.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Magnus. Magnus manages to fight them all off, sending them back through the crowd.

Up next, Joseph Park makes an OFN challenge.

We see Buddy Ray, Sting and Brooke Hogan in the back. Ray hasn’t been able to get a hold of Hulk Hogan. Sting says Hogan sent him a message that just said, “I’ll be there.”

Joseph Park is already in the ring, and he sucks up to the UK fans. To the point. It’s been a stressful week of deliberations. He’s watched hours of video and made notes, but it’s still a tough decision. Before he can finish, The Robbies interrupt. Wait just a second, bro. This is a joke, right? This is a joke, right, bro? Park says he didn’t pick either of these guys. E says Park isn’t a wrestler, bro. In fact, he’s just a hamster like everyone else in the UK. E pokes him in the chest while repeating himself, but before he finishes, he points at T, who is staring a hole through him. He says that, since T lives in the US, he’s basically American now anyway, so he doesn’t count. E grabs Park’s notebook and spits on it before challenging Park to a fight, bro. Come on, bro! Fight him, hamster!

MATCH 2: Joseph Park vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)
Park ducks a clothesline. E goes for a cross-body, but bounces off. E drops him with a gut shot, then beats him down. Back up, Park hits a hip toss and an armdrag. Bodyslam by Park, but he misses a splash. E kicks him a few times, then punches him in the head. E hits a flying clothesline from the middle rope, and an elbow from the middle for 2. E misses a hanging clothesline. Park knocks him down a few times, but misses an avalanche. He rebounds and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Park goes to the middle rope and hits a splash for the 3.

WINNER: Joseph Park.

We see Hulk Hogan enter the building.

Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are in the ring. Everyone is excited to be in the presence of greatness and dominance. Aries says that, in a company where men steal money, the two most valuable men continue to be robbed. That’s all going to change, though, as they are ushering in a new era. He and Roode are getting on the same page, and what they are going to do is collect all the gold, one-by-one. They’ll start with the KO title, the TV title and the World title. Now, they’re going to start with the easiest titles to capture, that being the World Tag Team titles. Roode says they view Chavo and Hernandez like everyone else-nothing but a bunch of wankers.

Chavo and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo doesn’t like the “easiest championships” comment. To earn a title match against the champions, you have to be a tag team, and Aries/Roode aren’t one. Aries takes offense to that, and says Roode beat Hernandez fair and square. Chavo says that, since it’s OFN, why don’t they fight? Aries agrees and says that, if one of them beats one of the champs, they get a title match. Aries volunteers for the match, as does Chavo.

MATCH 3: Austin Aries (w/Bobby Roode) vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Chavo Guerrero (w/Hernandez)
Chavo hits a forearm and a back suplex. Aries comes back with a Stun Gun. Chavo blocks a tope con hilo, hotshots Aries, and hits a hilo of his own. Chavo stomps Aries in the corner as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and Aries rolls to the floor off an Irish whip. Chavo connects with a plancha to the floor on Roode, and Aries takes him out with a suicide dive. Back in, Aries drops some elbows for 1. In the corner, Aries hits some chops, then chokes Chavo with his foot. Snapmare, followed by a spinning European uppercut from the middle for 2. Aries hits some body blows in the corner, and Chavo fights back before running into a kitchen sink. Buzzsaw gets 2 for Aries. Aries boxes the ears before hitting a hip throw into a side headlock. Aries thumbs him in the throat before connecting with a back body drop for 1. Up top, Aries mocks Chavo before missing a frog splash. Chavo fights back and hits a dropkick. Strikes in the corner, followed by a back body drop. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos, but Aries escapes. He turns around into a rolling kick for 2. Chavo connects on the second try and goes up for the frog splash. Chavo connects, but Roode slides into the ring before the ref can count. He leaves as Hernandez also enters the ring, and with the distraction, Aries hits a running corner dropkick and the brainbuster for 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries.

Brooke Hogan runs into Buddy Ray to tell him that Hogan is here tonight. They are apparently headed to the ring now.

We see Kurt Angle with Samoa Joe and the Wonder Twins. Joe tells Angle he has what he wants tonight, and he guarantees things won’t happen in the cage the same way they did last time. The Wonder Twins pipe up, and Joe tells them no one needs them. Quit riding his jock. Foreshadowing. Dun-dun-dun…

Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan make their way out. Hard to believe the guy is suspended when he keeps showing up every week. Just saying. Taz is blabbing about his ironclad contract that no one gives a damn about. Ray says that it’s been a rough couple of weeks for him and his husband. He loves Brooke very much, and it’s his love that got him suspended by Brooke’s dad. Hulk, Ray is family now, and the two of them have a common enemy. That enemy is Aces and Eights. He needs Hogan to lift the suspension. No one has been able to get him to do it. However, there’s one man that can, and that’s Sting, apparently. Sting enters the arena, and he’s back in the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket. I hope he enjoys his show. At least he’s painting his face like normal. He has news for Ray. He doesn’t have the stroke to pull Hogan out (?), but the people do. He calls for a “Hogan” chant, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked enough over the last two centuries. Hogan makes his way out, petting his chin. Sting says they have a warzone going on. They’re back together in the UK, so he can’t figure out a better place to make things right with Buddy Ray, right now. Hogan’s turn. Well you know something, Stingmun? There’s a war going on here in TNA. Why don’t you tell him something he doesn’t know, brother? At the end of the day, whether they’ve been friend or foe, he always does the right thing. As far as this woman goes, the day of her wedding, she was still his little girl, brother, and he did the right thing when he walked her down the aisle. As far as his family goes, he always does the right thing, brother. At the end of the day, he always does the right thing, and that’s why Buddy Ray is reinstated, brother, brother, brother, brother, jack, dude, jack, maniacs, mun, brother, brother. What makes him crazy is when business and family get confused. He’s taking care of that next week when he makes a match between two A and E guys vs. Sting and Buddy Ray. To make sure he takes care of all the business, next week, the tag match will be a Tables Match, brother.

Velvet Sky is on her way out for her OFN challenge, but first, Dixie Carter. Dixie Carter makes a condescending and scripted statement about taking TNA out of the Impact Zone and the company will be on the road permanently starting March 14th in Chicago.

Velvet Sky comes out, wearing probably the stupidest wrestling boots in history. She has something to get off her chest right now. It’s a special night for her, and because it’s OFN, it gives her the reason to call out the two reasons she’s not champion today. Tara, it would be in your best interest to come out now, and bring your Hollywood girlfriend Jesse with you. They come out and Sky says this isn’t a Handicap Match. While they were in the back drinking protein shakes, Sky got a partner. He drinks, but it isn’t protein

MATCH 4-Mixed Tag Team Match: Velvet Sky and James Storm vs. Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Quite the demotion for Storm here, wouldn’t you say? The men start the match. Storm fires off some rights before hitting a shoulder off the ropes and a hip toss. Storm with a Snake Eyes and a hard right. Tara distracts Storm, and Jesse clubs him from behind. He stomps Storm down in the corner, then drags him to the middle for 1. Top wristlock is applied, and Jesse turns it into a snapmare and hits a legdrop for 2. Storm counters a bodyslam with a backstabber. The women tag in, and Sky does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep for 2 by Sky. Sky shoves her into Jesse and rolls her up for 2. Hairmare by Tara, and Sky tags out. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Jesse. Tara blocks the Last Call, so Sky hits In Yo Face and gets the pin. Wait, weren’t the guys still legal?

WINNERS: Velvet Sky and James Storm.

We see Hogan and Brooke talking to AI, and Hogan proceeds to suck up to Buddy Ray the entire time.

How many more times is the word “wheelhouse” going to be used tonight? Jesus.

Mr. Anderson is talking about how great Aces and Eights is. Then he rambles on about Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping the crap that comes out of his mouth anymore.

Kurt Angle and the Wonder Twins are checking on Samoa Joe, who has apparently been attacked.

MATCH 5-Cage Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle (w/Wes Brisco)
Anderson attacks as Angle gets into the ring. Hard whip into the corner by Anderson for 1. Anderson hits some shots to the ribs, and Angle blocks a suplex before running into a back elbow for 1. They trade shots before Angle hits a middle rope dropkick. Angle hits a pair of clotheslines and a German suplex. Anderson escapes the Angle Slam and hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson throws Angle into the cage wall, then drops an elbow to the back of the neck. Another throw into the cage. Angle reverses the third and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and Angle is in control with rights. Anderson rakes the eyes and hits a clothesline. Mike Tenay announces that you can win this cage match by escape, something that TNA has always proudly proclaimed to be against. Way to go. Anderson starts climbing and Angle stops him. They trade punches while balancing on the top rope until Anderson gets knocked off. He ends up crotching Angle on the top rope, which is good for 2. Man, this cage is flimsy. Anderson drives some knees into the back. In the corner, Anderson hits some strikes before going to the corner to climb out. Angle manages to stop him, hitting a top rope Angle Slam in the process. Angle goes for the cover, getting 2. Anderson low blows him and hits the Mic Check for 2. Another pin, another 2. Anderson starts to climb once more, but Angle powerbombs him for 2 before applying the ankle lock. After about a minute, Anderson taps.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. We see an A and E member climbing into the cage as Wes Brisco manages to get the lock off the door. Brisco locks the door at Angle’s request after getting in the cage, and the A and E member removes his mask to reveal himself as Garett Bischoff. As Angle charges in, Brisco clips his knee from behind. He reveals he’s wearing an A and E vest, and the Wonder Twins beat Angle down. Garett picks Angle up and hits his stupid forward Ace Crusher finisher, then does the worst heel laugh I’ve seen in years.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 24 Recap

January 27, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Tonight, the continuation of the Aces and Eights angle that has no end in sight, featuring the stupidest heel turn in recent memory.

The show opens by airing damn near the entire stupid ending to last week’s show, but with the inclusion of overly dramatic music at the end.

Todd Kenely and Mike Tenay are sans-Taz, but his chair is still there, so I’m sure he’ll be out later for really bad heel commentary. Tenay is pulling out the “Owen Hart has died” voice, and I want to stab him in the junk.

We see Aces and Eights riding around on their motorcycles in the parking lot, and there appears to be about 25 of them, because the faction needed more faceless members. Yes, indeed. The group starts to make their way into the Impact Zone, led by Taz. Mr. Anderson is with them in full costume, so I guess that means he’s officially a member now, despite never really doing anything at all over the last few weeks. Taz says that everyone is asking why he joined A and E. He called it an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. It’s a group of men with a revenge agenda, and furthermore, he is now living by the vision of a “higher power”. I am confused now, because Vince McMahon doesn’t work for TNA. He cracks some jokes about Brooke Hogan, saying the wedding was an opportunity for A and E to make their presence known and go to a higher level. He calls Buddy Ray just another victim, then says that Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan need to look at Taz’s contract. He’s basically bulletproof, and if anyone puts a hand on him, he will own this place. He calls himself “Teflon Taz”. They are Aces and Eights, and they will roll over everyone. Buddy and Brooke, you were just collateral damage. Good luck dealing with these guys and the higher power.

We see Jesse and Tara in the back. Tara has a title match with Velvet Sky. Jesse then verbally fellates the two of them for a minute.

Tonight, Christopher Daniels gets a shot against Jeff Hardy for the World title. This is only Daniels’ second or third title match in nearly 11 years with this company. Ridiculous. Speaking of Daniels, AI is in the back with him and Kaz. He asks Kaz what his role in the title match tonight is, and Kaz says, “whole wheat”. I hate him. Anyway, he’s apparently a licensed manager now. Daniels calls tonight’s match a benchmark because the company needs him. He’s moments away from taking his place at the head of the table.

Taz has joined the announce desk.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Championship: Velvet Sky vs. Tara (Champion, w/Jesse)
Sky immediately rolls Tara up for 2. Another schoolgirl rollup gets another 2. Tara hits one of the weakest clotheslines I’ve ever seen. Sky hits a slow-motion Japanese armdrag and follows up with a jumping clothesline. Why is it all divas/knockouts hit their clotheslines with their arm straight out while jumping? It looks ridiculous. Sky hits another clothesline and a botched side-Russian legsweep, sending Tara to the floor. Sky whips her back in and hits a low dropkick, sending her back to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and Sky is still in control. Listening to the commentators bitch about Taz’s heel turn is giving me a migraine. Sky hits an axe kick to the head out of the corner, and a flying cross-body gets 2. Chops in the corner by Sky, followed by some shoulder thrusts. Tara blocks a monkey flip for 2. She slams Sky’s face into the mat and a float-over suplex gets another 2. Standing moonsault for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, and Tara turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out, but Tara knocks her back down. Sky is hairmared to the mat, and now Tara goes up top. Sky throws her off, and now both women are down. They trade punches from the knees, and Sky hits more of her stupid clotheslines. Slow-motion headscissors, and Sky some botched indy-tastic swinging facebuster. Sky goes for the pin, but Jesse jumps on the apron to argue with Taryn Terrell. Sky gets in his face and goes for a punch, but ducks an attack from Tara from behind, causing her to knock Jesse off the apron. Sky schoolgirls Tara, getting 2. Sky goes for a suplex near the ropes, but Jesse trips her up and holds onto her feet as Tara falls onto Sky, getting the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Tara. God, did this match suck. Early “Worst Match of the Year” candidate.

OFN is back next week.

Sting is walking around outside the building when AI stops him and asks about last week’s wedding. Sting says now is not the right time, and he’ll say what he needs to later in the Impact Zone.

Kenny King and Zema Ion are in the locker room area, and they have a tag match tonight. King blames Christian York for costing him the X-Division title before reminding Ion that RVD beat him for the title. He tells Ion to sit on the apron, and he’ll do all of the heavy lifting.

Joseph Park makes his way out to some generic, nearly inaudible entrance music. I think it’s supposed to sound like the old L.A. Law theme, only terrible. Park says that, contrary to popular belief, he’s not the most graceful athlete in the world, not having competed in sports since the 3rd grade. But, being here in the last year, he’s realized his place is on the TNA roster and not in a courtroom with a judge. He realizes his debut match a few weeks ago didn’t go as planned, but he fought hard and even though he fought hard, he didn’t get the “W”, as the boys call it. It made him realize something though, and that is he is here to be the best he can be in TNA. Next week, Impact is in Manchester, England, and it’s OFN. Him being as committed as he is, he’s ready. His passport says that he’ll be in Manchester next Thursday, and he’ll be competing in his first-ever OFN. The question is, who should he choose as his first opponent? He doesn’t want to “kayfab” everybody, but he’s going to take the week to deliberate and study every member of the roster, and next week, he’ll render his verdict. What he can tell us for sure is that next week, the whole world will witness the Impact debut of Joseph Park (except, you know, for that match with Bully Ray he had a while ago), and in the ring with him, court will be in session.

MATCH 2: Zema Ion and Kenny King vs. World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam and Christian York
RVD and Ion start the match with a few counters and strikes before RVD hits an elevated dropkick. York tags in and chops Ion in the corner. Kitchen sink off the ropes before RVD tags back in. York sends Ion into the corner, and RVD hits a rolling monkey flip. Ion attempts to land on his feet but is unable to do so because he sucks, resulting in a faceplant. RVD hits a low dropkick in the corner and sends Ion into the ropes. Ion slides to the floor as King grabs RVD by the hair off the rope bounce. RVD knocks King to the floor, allowing Ion to knock the distracted RVD down with a knee to the back. King tags in and hits some mounted punches off a float-over suplex. Ion back in, who stomps RVD in the face. Ion sends him hard into the corner, but misses the 450 splash. RVD misses an enziguri but lands on his feet and and nails a back kick to the face before tagging in York as Ion tags in King. York with the hot tag before locking King in a cravat and turning it into a side-Russian legsweep variation. York hits a misdirection kick to the chest and gets 2 before Ion breaks up the pin. RVD throws Ion to the corner and punches away, but Ion comes back with a boot. York sends King to the floor with a clothesline, but King pulls him to the outside before he can go for a plancha. In the ring, RVD hits a front powerslam on Ion and looks for the split-legged moonsault. King crotches him and goes for a back superplex, but RVD elbows his way out of the move. Ion pushes RVD to the floor and goes up top, where York cuts him off with a kick. King shoves York from behind as Ion makes the blind tag. King hotshots York over the top rope on the other side of the ring as Ion comes in with the tornado DDT through the ropes. York manages to throw Ion off on his face as King comes in and hits a springboard blockbuster. Ion quickly rolls York up and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Zema Ion and Kenny King.

Taz leaves the announce desk to answer a phone call.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray drive into the parking lot and AI stops them on the way into the building to ask about the wedding. Ray says they’ll do their talking in the ring.

Ray and Brooke come out, and Ray immediately wants to know where Taz is, asking Tenay and Kenely at the announce desk. After Tenay explains that Taz went to answer a phone call, they head to the ring instead. Ray says that, last week, it should have been the greatest night in their lives. In reality, it was a nightmare. A lot of people were hurt last week. He expected this from Devon. Taz, you scumbag, he never expected this from you. Where is Taz? Nothing but a frickin’ coward. This is what you do to us? He doesn’t care that he got hurt; it’s the people around him that got hurt. The only man who has trusted him the last couple months is Sting, and Taz hurt Sting. The man that Ray has been trying to earn trust with, Hulk Hogan, was also hurt. Most of all, the one that you hurt the most was the woman Ray loves. How dare you ruin their biggest day. The things that Ray is going to do to every member of A and E, he can’t even say on national television. Every single one of them better sleep with one eye open. Look into his frickin’ eyes. He guarantees he will not sleep one frickin’ wink until he kicks every single one of their “m-effin’” asses. He can’t do any of that, however, unless Hulk Hogan lifts his suspension. Hogan is at home resting, taking care of business, but Ray needs to be reinstated. Lift the suspension, Hulk.

Sting joins the two in the ring. He says Hogan doesn’t do anything halfway, doing everything to the fullest no matter what. He knows Hogan is watching, but has only come halfway. He gave Brooke away to his new son-in-law. Now, it is time for Hogan to go all the way. He’s the best of all time. Next week, they’ll be in the UK together, and Sting believes Hogan will then announce his new son-in-law will be reinstated in TNA.

We see Bobby Roode and Austin Aries in the back. Aries tells Roode they both know they could beat Chavo Guerrero or Hernandez any of the week. Tonight, they have to figure out who should take out Hernandez. Roode says it should be Aries, as Aries’ speed is a perfect counter to Hernandez’ power. Aries disagrees, thinking Roode is a better match with his power and history as the longest-reigning champion. Roode points out Aries beat him, but Aries counters with saying he agrees his win might have been a fluke. Aries tells him good luck and walks away.

Jeff Hardy is walking around and cuts a rambling promo directed at Christopher Daniels.

MATCH 3: Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Hernandez (w/Chavo Guerrero)
Taz has rejoined the announce desk, so the awful commentary may continue. You know, I’ve heard better music in porn than what Chavo and Hernandez come out to. I mean, not that I partake in the erotica or anything. I just watched it once to see what all the hype was about. Honest. Hernandez shoves Roode into the corner off a lock-up. Roode goes for a waistlock but instead just clubs him down as Taz tells us Hernandez has a “big, thick, muscular skeletor”. He fires off some rights in the corner until Hernandez comes back with a back body drop. Delayed vertical suplex connects, and Roode rolls to the apron. Roode rakes the eyes before hotshotting Hernandez, then gets back in the ring, connecting with a neckbreaker for 2. Roode with some shoulder thrusts in the corner, followed by a snapmare and a rolling neck snap. Roode rakes the back, but Hernandez fights back with punches. Roode connects with a back elbow off the ropes for 2, then drops a series of elbows and a jumping kneedrop for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, but Hernandez breaks the hold by backing Roode into the corner. He goes to the apron and hits a slingshot shoulderblock and a pair of back elbows. In the corner, Hernandez connects with an avalanche, and an over-the-shoulder backbreaker follows. Roode counters a back body drop with a boot and a chop, but runs right into a Pounce, sending him to the floor. Austin Aries runs to ringside and moves Roode out of a Supermex attempt, and now Chavo & Aries are brawling at ringside. The referee jumps outside to break up the fight as Roode gets back in the ring and hits a bulldog for 3.

WINNER: Bobby Roode. A bulldog for the finish? Really?

Kurt Angle is headed out to the ring.

I love that TNA made it seem like a major deal that Mr. Anderson had joined Aces and Eights, only to automatically turn him into an afterthought in the group.

Angle makes his way into the Impact Zone and says that he thought A and E would be temporary. Obviously, the group is in it for the long haul, and he’s sick and tired of their cheap shots, sneak attacks, and the injuries they’ve laid upon the TNA roster, including himself. And Taz, earlier tonight, you talked about revenge. You don’t know what revenge is. Next week is OFN, and Angle will get revenge at the hands of Mr. Anderson. As a matter of fact, Anderson, why don’t you come out here right now, because Angle has something to tell you personally. Anderson’s music hits, but he comes out from the A and E entrance instead of the stage. Anderson asks if Angle wants a fight next week about 812 times before saying he doesn’t want a fight next week…because he wants to do it now. Anderson slugs Angle, then beats him down in the corner. Angle knocks him down with a clothesline and goes for the ankle lock, but Anderson escapes through the crowd. Angle tells him he can keep running, but next week, it will be them one-on-one in a steel cage.

We see A and E partying in some dark room with hookers. We know they are hookers because Anderson walks in and says, “Hey, hookers. Shut up!” Brilliant dialogue there. Devon tells Anderson to chill out and the ladies to relax. He knows Anderson has Angle next week and is stressed, but he won’t Anderson go in without a battle plan. So, sit down, have some beer, and enjoy what is going on in the clubhouse.

MATCH 4-World Championship: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. Jeff Hardy (Champion)
Lock-up to start, and Daniels gives a clean break in the corner. Hardy applies a side headlock that Daniels breaks by ramming Hardy into the corner. Daniels hits some shoulder thrusts, but Hardy counters a corner whip with a headscissors. Hardy throws Daniels to the corner and follows up with a clothesline, knocking him down. He goes for the slingshot dropkick, but Daniels rolls to the floor. Back in, Daniels throws Hardy to the floor. Kaz jumps in the ring to celebrate with Daniels as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Daniels knocks Hardy down with a clothesline, salutes the crowd, then flips them off. He pins Hardy, but only gets 2. Daniels grinds his elbow into Hardy’s eye, then hits a back suplex. Clothesline to the back of the neck gets 2. Daniels beats Hardy down with stomps and forearms all over the ring before Hardy crawls to the corner. Daniels headbutts him down, then presses his knee to the back of Hardy’s neck. Nightmare on Helms Street gets 2. Daniels applies a version of the katahajime, but Hardy fights out. As he goes to the ropes, Daniels whips him down by the hair. Daniels stomps Hardy down, but Hardy comes back with a short-arm hooking clothesline. They trade punches until Hardy hits a flying forearm. He follows up with an inverted atomic drop, a double legrdop and a seated dropkick. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Middle rope splash for another 2. Hardy goes for the Botch in the Wind, but Daniels catches him and hits a Death Valley Driver for 2. He breaks the pin and turns it into a Koji Clutch. Hardy gets his foot on the ropes. In the corner, Daniels hits a palm strike. Hardy punches him and mounts the middle rope. Daniels climbs up top, looking for a super hurricanrana. Hardy fights him off and hits a sit-out gourdbuster from the middle for 2 as Daniels gets his foot on the rope. Hardy goes for the Twist, but Daniels reverses and hits Angel’s Wings for 2. Daniels calls for the BME, but Hardy moves. Daniels lands on his feet and runs into an elbow. Hardy goes for Botch in the Wind, but Daniels moves out of the way. Daniels goes for the pin, getting 2. Daniels calls for the Angel’s Wings again, and Hardy counters with a hurricanrana. He hits a sit-out Twist of Fate, causing Daniels to collide with Kaz, who was on the apron. Regular Twist of Fate connects, and the swanton bomb gets 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Jeff Hardy.

Taz leaves the announce desk once more and grabs a mic, wanting to interview Jeff Hardy. Taz has a question: What is he gonna do when A and E destroys everything and he’s left laying? What’s he going to do when his World title is gone? As Taz says this, a fat guy from A and E comes in and clips Hardy’s knee with a hammer.

End of show.

Well, the main event was relatively decent. Everything else was average-to-terrible. Listening to Taz and Tenay bitch at each other was especially intolerable.

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 17 Recap: Bully and Brooke Tie The Knot

January 19, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact will not only feature the fallout from Genesis, but the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan wedding, which I know none of you are excited about. Now that he’s a face, can we call him Buddy Ray instead?

Speaking of Bully Ray, we see him looking at a text message on his phone, shaking his head. Brother Runt walks in, wearing the old taped-up Dudley Boys glasses. Tommy Dreamer also walks into congratulate him. Shoot over to Brooke Hogan’s dressing room, and some of the knockouts are getting ready, as they are apparently bridesmaids.

Jeff Hardy makes his way into the Impact Zone, still the World Champion after Sunday night’s PPV. Fans are chanting, “You still got it!” I beg to differ. Hardy says the odds were stacked against him, and the “creatures” prevailed again. Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are two of the best on this planet, but Hardy is still the World Champion. I hate Impact Zone fans so very, very much. In this ring, Hardy fights through pain and people, and he fights for each one of us. That being said, he’s always ready to fight.

Bad Influence make their way onto the stage. Kaz asks Jeffrey if he’s ready for a fight. That’s funny because, in a week, you “Butt-puppets”, his friend, Christopher Daniels is going to bring the fight to Hardy and take the World Championship. Kaz needs to disappear from television. Daniels says he hears Jefferson bragging about his victories. Daniels can brag, too. He’s the “Thursday night delight”. He’s the man who sent AJ Styles home, and he beat James Storm at Genesis to become the #1 contender. He didn’t need any creatures to help him. They’re not “creatures of the night”; they’re creatures of habit, and the habit is losing. These people are losers, just like AJ, just like Storm, and just like Hardy. But, the “creatures” can smile, because once next Thursday comes around and he wins the title, he gives them permission to worship him. Hardy says they don’t need to wait until next Thursday. Let’s just do it now. Kaz and Daniels hit the ring and beat Hardy down until Storm joins the fight. He chases the heels off, which I’m sure will set up a tag team match. Storm asks if someone said something about fighting. If Bad Influence want a fight, why don’t they fight Storm and Hardy right now? Can I call this or what? Storm says he’s not asking, he’s demanding.

MATCH 1: World Champion Jeff Hardy and James Storm vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
The match starts with Storm and Daniels brawling on the floor as Hardy and Kaz square off in the ring. The faces beat down the heels in opposite corners until Storm clotheslines Daniels back to the floor, rendering the last few seconds pointless. Hardy throws Kaz over the top as well, then hits a double dropkick through the ropes. Commercials.

We’re back, and Storm & Daniels are the legal men. Storm hits a back body drop. Hardy tags in for a double back elbow. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Storm back in, who hits a double axe handle from the middle to the arm. Daniels backs Storm into his own corner, and Kaz chokes him over the bottom rope. Kaz tags in, and Daniels hiptosses Kaz onto Storm for 2. Kaz with a dropkick, and they fake a tag. Daniels with a foot choke in the corner before sending Storm hard into the buckles. Kaz back in, and he chokes Storm over the middle rope. Shoulder thrusts in the corner before Kaz rakes the eyes. Daniels back in, and he hits Nightmare on Helms Street for 1. Neck vice is applied, right into a rear chinlock. Storm fights out, but is hair-whipped down. Daniels goes for a suplex, but Storm reverses into a small package for 2. Daniels is back up and he takes Storm down before applying a rear chinlock. Storm fights out and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Hardy and Kaz tag in, and Hardy does the hot tag offense. Double legdrop by Hardy, followed by a seated dropkick for 2. Botch in the Wind connects for another 2 before Daniels breaks it up. Hardy shoves Kaz into Daniels, then drops him with a sit-out jawbreaker. Daniels rebounds and takes Hardy down with an STO. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Daniels, sending him to the floor. Storm connects with a slingshot plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Kaz counters a Twist of Fate with a small package for 2. Hardy hits a quick Twist of Fate for the 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. Daniels attacks Hardy from behind, and hits Angel’s Wings right on Hardy’s custom title belt.

We see footage of the Gut Check judges discussing last week, and apparently, only one of the two competitors last week can get a contract this time around. Al Snow says both did a great job, and Taz agrees. He and Snow then begin to argue about who was more impressive. Bruce Prichard makes a big deal about Brian Cage’s middle rope superplex, which really wasn’t all that great. They all say Jay Bradley was more impressive overall, but they need to think about this a little bit more. Decision time is up next. Personally, I’m going with Bradley on this one.

We see Brother Runt and Tommy Dreamer trying to get ready for the wedding. Joseph Park walks in and thanks Buddy Ray for his help and congratulates him on his wedding, giving him a box of Cuban cigars.

Back in the Impact Zone, Al Snow, Taz and Bruce Prichard are in the ring for decision time. Brian Cage comes out first, followed by Jay Bradley. Tonight, one of them gets a shot at getting a contract. Prichard tells them they were both good, but only one gets a chance. He tells Bradley he was impressive in his victory, but a win isn’t everything. Cage is put together and had a good outing last week, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Cage is out. Taz’s decision is first. Short and sweet, his decision is no. Bradley gets his thirty seconds right away. Bradley points at Taz and tells him he’s humped so many highways, he probably owes them child support. But all that travel taught him discipline and took him all over the world. They’ve brought him here to the Impact Zone. He’s been trained by the best to be one of the best, and in one match last week, he and his Boomstick were trending worldwide. Look in his eyes. There’s no BS. He’s knocking on the door. Just let him in, and he’ll take care of the rest. Snow’s decision is next, and he says that last week, Bradley showed talent and skill. He had personality and presence and is connecting with the crowd. His answer is yes. Prichard is up now, and he says that, by listening to the crowd, Bradley has proven they care about him. Bradley has passion and guts, so his answer is yes. Jay Bradley is the newest member of the TNA roster. At least some decent talents are finally getting these spots.

MATCH 2: Christian York vs. Kenny King
This a rematch from Genesis, in which York was victorious. York hits a suicide dive before King gets in the ring. York rakes the eyes before slamming King into the steps. York blocks a throw into the post and clotheslines King. In the ring, King stomps him down. Out of the corner, York connects with another clothesline, then a chop to the chest. Kitchen sink for 2. In the corner, York hits some punches to the side of the head, hits several kicks and a chop to the chest. King tries to crawl to the outside, but York drags him back in. King gets to his feet and hits a reverse Dragon Whip. They counter each other a few times until York hits a low kick to the head. King tries a jumping roundhouse off the ropes, but York catches him and counters with a Union Jack. York goes for a burning hammer, but King rakes the eyes and rolls him up with a handful of tights for 3.

WINNER: Kenny King. Short but fun match. I’d like to see a longer match out of these two in the future.

In the back, Buddy Ray stops Sting and says he’s the only guy who trusts him. Tonight is a huge night, and Brooke needs to be happy. The thing that will make her happy is her dad walking her down the aisle. Hogan won’t talk to Ray, so Sting, please convince him to do the right thing. Sting says he will try his damnedest.

Taz leaves the broadcast booth because he’s apparently a groomsman tonight. If you’ve read the spoilers, you already know the stupid thing that happens later on.

Austin Aries is talking to himself in the mirror. Bobby Roode walks up, and they begin arguing over why neither of them is champion right now. Aries says this isn’t getting them anywhere. They’re about to go out for a stupid wedding. Where’s their celebration for carrying the company for a year. Aries says he’s wearing all black tonight, because this might turn into a funeral. He’s got a few objections, and he’s going to let them be known. Roode is going out, too, despite not being invited.

AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back, asking if he’s here for the wedding. Hogan ignores him and keeps walking away.

Back in Ray’s dressing room, Taz walks in on the rest of the group. Taz asks where “Paul” is, and Ray said he’d call back in five minutes. Hilarious. Dreamer asks Ray about Hogan, and he says Brooke is a wreck, and they both want Hogan here. Taz says Hogan is in a tough spot, since he’s the dad. Ray says that, bottom line, he’s marrying her, and his three brothers are here, so that’s all that matters.

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Sting enters the Impact Zone and says that it feels great to be here. The fans have arrived on a special evening. Tonight isn’t just an ordinary night; it’s a huge night. Love is in the air. Along with all the love floating around, though, there’s some tension in the air as well. Buddy Ray has asked him to address the tension, and that’s what he’s going to do right now. If Ray is a praying man, he better start praying right now. Hulkamania, please come down here. Sting needs to talk to you.

Hogan makes his way out, and I just noticed he shaved off all of the dyed stubble. He tells Sting to cut the crap and wants to know what Sting wants from him. Let’s cut to the chase and get down to business. Sting won’t pull the wool over his eyes. They’ve been in the business a long time, wrestled all over and traveled every road possible. They’ve both had people look them in the eyes and tell them they loved them, then walked away. They’ve both had best friends that have stabbed them in the back. Lay it out so Hogan knows where you’re coming from. Sting points out that Ray has been watching both Sting and Hogan’s backs a bunch of times, not to mention come to Brooke’s aid numerous times. Hogan says that, on social media, all of his fans are on his side. Everybody is telling him to watch out for himself, Sting and Hogan’s family. When it comes to things in and out of the ring, he calls them like he sees them. He gets a bad vibe off Buddy Ray, so as far as he’s concerned, there will never be trust there. Sting tells Hogan he needs to do this for himself and, more importantly, for his daughter tonight. Hogan says he always does the right thing, brother. He drops his mic and stomps out of the ring.

We see Gail Kim approach Taryn Terrell in a dressing room. Kim asks how long she’s been here. Taryn says six months. Kim points out she’s been wrestling for 13 years, then shows iPad video from Genesis about all of the blunders Taryn made during her title match. Kim has another chance to be #1 contender, and Taryn promises to call everything down the middle. Kim tells her that she better call things down the middle or else.

We see footage from Buddy Ray’s bachelor party. He’s hanging out with strippers, and…that’s pretty much it.

MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 contender for the Knockouts title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky
They added words to Kim’s entrance music for no reason. Lock-up to start, and Sky gives a clean break on the ropes. Another lock-up, and Kim backs her into the corner, giving another clean break. Another lock-up, and Kim turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out and shoulders Kim to the floor off the ropes. Back in, Kim knees Sky in the gut before throwing her to the corner. Foot choke on the top buckle. Kim goes for a fireman’s carry, but Sky counters into a sunset flip for 2. Sky ducks a clothesline and rolls Kim up in a schoolgirl for another 2. Kim is back up and she blasts Sky with a kick. Foot choke over the middle rope by Kim. Running clothesline off the ropes by Kim following a forearm strike. The Happy Ending connects for 2. Sky counters a corner charge with an axe kick and hits a suplex for 2. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim backs her into the corner. She slams Sky’s face into the mat, then chokes her with the knee for 2. Kim applies a headscissors, then breaks the hold with a kick to the neck. Sky gets sent to the corner and blocks a charge with a boot. She goes for a bulldog, but Kim stands her ground and shoves Sky into the opposite corner. Sky rebounds and runs right into a seated dropkick. Eat Defeat connects, but Sky gets her foot under the bottom rope at 2. Kim backs Taryn into the corner to argue with the decision, and Sky pulls her to the middle of the ring with a bulldog. Pair of clotheslines and a headscissors by Sky. She hits a facebuster before connecting with In Yo Face for 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Velvet Sky.

Dixie Carter and Brooke Hogan are in the back, and Carter’s acting is just the tops. Not to be outdone, Brooke begins her fake crying as they bawl all over each other. Dixie tells her that, no matter what, her dad loves her very much.

Jesus. There are still about 25 minutes left in this show, and we’re going into the wedding. I don’t want to recap a 25-minute wedding, or any wrestling wedding, for that matter.

The introductions for the wedding are about to start when Bobby Roode and Austin Aries make their way out instead. Roode wants to understand what’s going on here tonight. Everybody here and everybody watching at home are about to witness a wedding between Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan. The fact is the only celebration should be going on is Roode and Aries. If it weren’t for the two of them, there wouldn’t even be a show. They are two of the greatest wrestlers on Earth. Roode is the longest-reigning champion in company history. Aries then beat said champion. Aries says that, all of the great moments of 2012 in TNA is thanks to them. Now, did they get appreciation for that? No. Did they get any thanks? No. The lack of respect this company has for himself and Roode has spawned a mutual respect for their talents. There was a time in this company when it could be proud of its champions, like when they held the title. That day is no longer. The company is taking a step 10 years in the past. You’ve got RVD as X-Division Champion. You’ve got Devon as TV Champion. You’ve got Chavo and Hernandez as Tag Team Champions, and of course, the golden child as World Champion. You can scream and paint your faces, but right now, you’re looking at the two men who make this company worth anything. The lack of respect makes them sick. Roode interjects and says they object to the wedding.

Because absolutely no one ever asked for it, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo says they object as well. Let it be noted the champions also object. They step into the ring and Chavo says they do not object to the wedding. They object to the statement that these two clowns are making about the champions in this company. Chavo says they are no longer champions in this country (yep). Aries wants to go back to Chavo’s objection. He’s got one, too. He didn’t know the caterers were allowed to attend the wedding reception. Roode then asks for quesadillas. The champs fake a laugh and brawl. At least Chavo finally shut the hell up. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss on Aries, but Roode pulls Aries to the floor before any further damage can be done.

I’m sure countless people will disagree with Hogan’s statement that he always does the right thing, brother. Just saying.

Speaking of Hogan, we’re now in his office, where he and Sting are having a pow-wow. Hogan Shows a picture of him and Brooke at a young age, saying he’s always tried to protect her from everything bad in the business. This isn’t about Buddy Ray. For Brooke, he knows how this movie ends. Sting says the business has jaded them, and he doesn’t disagree with Hogan. However, Hogan has done such a good job of raising and protecting her, that maybe she can see something in Ray Hogan can’t because the business has blinded him. He’s wrong about Ray, and he needs to walk Brooke down that aisle. Hogan says he’s going to pack his stuff up and get out here, but he always does the right thing for business and his family.

We’re finally ready to do this stupid-ass wedding, with 14 minutes left of show. Buddy Ray comes out first. Dreamer and Miss Tessmacher are out next, followed by Brother Runt and Mickie James, and finally, Taz with Christy Hemme. Brooke eventually comes out, looking like a giant creamsicle. She looks for her dad a few times, and he eventually does come out to walk her down. You know it’s a bad night when Mickie James comes off more slutty in a bride’s maid dress than Christy Hemme or Miss Tessmacher. The segment goes through the standard wedding crap, and Hogan officially gives Brooke away. More standard wedding processions, and I notice this minister looks like an even more weasily version of Johnny Knoxville. We get to the exchanging of vows as I drift off. Brooke’s acting is atrocious. Hogan is stroking his beard like a pedophile in the background. Ray gives some generic “You are the one” speech. As you can tell, I’m not invested in this segment at all. The minister gets to the “is there anyone who doesn’t think…” part, and no one interrupts. Brooke says “I do”, and Ray does the same. Before the minister makes it official, Taz interrupts. He can’t take this anymore. He asks if Ray is sure he wants to do this. Ray says yes. Taz’s second question is, is it just him, or is it hot in here? Taz takes his jacket off, and in one of the stupidest heel turns in wrestling history, he turns around to reveal he’s wearing an Aces and Eights vest. A and E hit the ring and destroy the wedding party. Mike Knox and DOC hold onto Brooke and make her watch the beating. Knox, by the way, is showing no ill-effects from having taken a ball-peen hammer shot to the hand last week. Devon knocks Ray out with a pedestal. Brooke forgot to not smile while she was fake crying. Sting apparently joined the fight at some point, but was also taken out.

End of show.

And just like that, Taz’s remaining sliver of credibility is gone. Way to go, Peter.

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-Dustin

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