After the World Title feud between Daniel Bryan and Kane degenerated into the Scream series without the phone calls this week, I decided to take a look at the next logical step in this saga. Here’s some horror movies for WWE to merrily rip off as they further baffle fans with their patented ham-fistery.
Bryan spends a few days working on his wrestling memoirs, when he gets an insatiable craving for some soy-based Pepsi (which will set off alarms for ‘in-the-know’ viewers, who interpret this as a smoke signal that CM Punk is returning, when he’s really cursing the referees in the Blackhawks game from his couch while AJ gets him another helping of shrimp-base Ramen). Miserable and cranky, Bryan is confronted by Kane the Bartender, who promises him a metric junk-ton of Soy Pepsi if he offs his family.
Bryan gets an axe and hacks up JTG, thus freeing WWE of JTG’s teflon contract (but besieging the home viewer with a 3-hour JTG tribute Raw, complete with Big Show bawling about how he envied JTG’s sit-at-homedness). Bryan ends up chasing Brie and Danny-Swoggle into a hedge maze, where he’s paralyzed by the frigidness of WWE’s hiring freeze, following recent stock market troubles. Because all workrate and no play makes Daniel a squandered push.
Bryan and Brie hide out at Stephanie’s vacation home, watching Aurora and the other two kids. All the while, Kane is slinking his way through the streets of Haddonfi–er, Greenwich, hunted down Captain Ahab style by Dr. Shelby, who now has a British accent and a drinking problem that only comes from working in World Class in its heyday.
Dr. Shelby shoots Kane a bunch of times, but Kane lives because he survived both a funeral home fire and a feud with Gene Snitsky (who makes a cameo as a trick-or-treater dressed as Penelope Cruz’s left pinkie-toe). The story culminates at the hospital (“MEDICAL FACILITY” screams Vince) where Kane and Dr. Shelby die in a fire. Then Rob Zombie takes over the story and ruins everything.
It’s revealed that Bryan is actually a lawyer who inadequately defended Kane, when Kane was sued by Jerry McDevitt for uploading unauthorized XFL footage to his YouTube account. Once out of jail, where Kane helped George Zahorian make Dianabol in the toilet, Kane vows biblical revenge.
Just as Kane stalks Bryan and Brie all the way onto a houseboat in a violent storm, Kane is thrown overboard by Waylon Mercy and Bray Wyatt, who both mastered the Max Cady shtick much MUCH better. There’s an App vote where viewers are asked who makes a better Cady between Mercy and Wyatt, and the winner will get to squash Damien Sandow in two minutes.
Also, the boat sinks, and Brie drowns. Right before she perishes in the murky depths, she finds both The Rock’s 1997 Intercontinental Title *and* WWE’s voided agreement with Tout.
SEE NO EVIL
A sequel to the 2006 horror classic (because you can’t spell that word without ‘ass’), Kane reprises his role as Jacob Goodnight, chronic masturbator who hates eyeballs and loves his mother in that not-at-all-creepy Voorhees/Bates way. In this rip-roaring update on Mr. Goodnight’s hijinks, Bryan and Brie decide to renovate the ransacked Blackwell Hotel, and turn it into a getaway for fellow wrestling stars. Guests not wanting to be bothered by teeming hordes of fans are encouraged to check in under the name “TNA Impact”.
Anywho, Kane shows up and begins hacking up everything in sight, particularly anyone rendered impure by watching Total Divas on a regular basis with the intent to enjoy something that could just as easily be called “Worked Housewives of Stamford”.
Both Bryan and Kane will survive into the crossover movie “Marine IV”, which stars Alex Riley as a disgraced infantryman navigating a minefield of John Cena-created backstage ribs in order to get his push back. Kane chokeslams Riley onto a mine composed of human feces, and we’re treated to a cut-shot of Cena and Randy Orton giggling through a high-five.
This came out in 2009, thus placing it outside WWE’s pop-culture scope. Imagine Vince’s sadness when he was told Vic Morrow wasn’t available for The Condemned.
Brie makes it to Raw this Monday, only discover she is possessed by Kane’s evil spirit. Confined to bed and spitting up globs of YJ Stinger, it’s clear Brie is in imminent danger of becoming Kane’s express-written property, who will do as she is ordered (namely hanging Rand Paul campaign banners at local bakeries that sell weed out of the back room).
To put a stop to this madness, Bryan enlists two clergymen, Brother Love and Brother Devon, who try to coax the demon out using various methods, from passive-aggressively yelling at it, to setting a mousetrap (it’s a little known fact that pyromaniac libertarians love a good imported Swiss).
While not a traditional horror movie, it’s supernatural enough to merit inclusion here. Bryan wakes up every day to find himself on a perpetual treadmill of being a veritable 98-pound weakling to Kane’s sand-kicking demon act, all the while looking like less of a man in front of his celebrity wife. Eventually, Bryan realizes that he is actually Zack Ryder this whole time, and resigns himself to a fate of looking stupidly whipped regularly. The only consolations are a YouTube show that expresses his deepening angst, and the possibility that Hugh Jackman might make eye contact with him.
Justin Henry has been an occasional contributor to Camel Clutch Blog since 2009. His other work can be found at WrestleCrap.com and ColdHardFootballFacts.com. He can be found on Twitter, so give him a follow.