We are in Charlotte, NC for tonight’s episode, and we start the show off with Mick Foley coming to the ring, dressed as Santa Claus. I met Foley 2 months ago at a show here. Hell of a good guy. Foley wishes everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Foley says he is a Christmas fanatic. What Good Ol’ JR is to BBQ sauce, what the Ultimate Warrior is to colorful arm tassels, that’s what Foley is to Christmas. Why don’t we see what Jolly Ol’ St. Mick has in his bag of goodies tonight. He mentions the cage match I previously mentioned. We will also have a “Miracle On 34th Street Fight”, and an over-the-top-rope “All I Want For Christmas” battle royal, with the winner getting one wish granted by Santa Mick. Foley says that, despite him not wanting Michael Cole on the show, Cole’s legal team is forcing Foley to allow Cole on the show. Foley says he’ll let Cole on the show, but he gets to decide how Cole is dressed. Cole makes his way to ringside dressed like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Josh Mathews is at ringside, dressed like Buddy the Elf. Foley then introduces Booker T, who comes out dressed in a Santa Claus costume of his own. Booker gets in the ring with a microphone. Foley asks Booker to do a Christmas spin-a-roonie. The Dreidel Song plays as Booker does one. Booker says the holiday spirit is here, and we know he can dig that, sucka.
IC Champion Cody Rhodes makes his way down to ringside, mic in hand. Rhodes says in the past, he would let this farce continue, but he’s no longer wearing a protective piece of plastic, so he can see things more clearly. What he’s seeing is a lowly announcer making a fool of him in that ring, taking time from guys like Rhodes who still have the skills to compete. Booker says he doesn’t know what Cody’s problem is, but he has no beef with him. Booker doesn’t want to throw hands, but don’t think for one minute he can’t still get it done in the ring. Cody tells him to hush. He calls Booker a liar and says they do have beef, and it’s probably because Booker will never be able to hold up a title again or call himself champion again. Foley steps in and says Booker is a legend. Cody is directly affecting Foley’s ability to enjoy the holidays. Tonight, Cody will have a match with Booker T himself. Cody says he’s looking forward to it before walking off. Booker says he’s cool with the match. Foley then says we’ll have a special divas match. The divas all come out dressed in the typical Christmas tramp costumes as we go to commercial.
WWE ’12 is very good, except for the fact that, during Road to Wrestlemania mode, your AI opponents will reverse practically EVERY single move you do. And forget about being able to tag to your partner in most tag matches, despite them being tag matches.
MATCH 1-“Mistletoe Match”: AJ vs. Natalya vs. Alicia Fox vs. Tamina vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Kaitlyn vs. Aksana
This is a typical “Item on a Pole” match. We learn the winner will get a future Divas title match. In less than a minute, Brie Bella wins it. Sorry, but that’s all I’m recapping for that crap.
WINNER: Brie Bella. After the match, Foley says the winner doesn’t get a future Divas title match. The winner actually gets to kiss whoever they want between now and Christmas. That was completely pointless.
Did You Know? The writers of Seinfeld thought they made up the religion of Latvian Orthodox until a representative wrote to them, thanking them for exposing the religion to a larger audience.
MATCH 2: Justin Gabriel vs. Jinder Mahal
Mahal comes out rambling about how everyone is living a lie. I didn’t really pay that close attention to what he’s saying, because I don’t give a damn about him. Gabriel goes right to an armbar. Mahal comes back with a knee lift and a kitchen sink. Mahal follows up with a butterfly suplex and a punt to the ribs. Gabriel gets dropped gut-first on the top rope, followed by a foot choke. Mahal whips Gabriel into the corner and follows up with a shoulder charger. Mahal does it again as Ted DiBiase comes out in a Santa hat with a bag of gifts. He’s giving them to the crowd as Mahal tries for a camel clutch. Mahal gets distracted by DiBiase as Gabriel hits a jumping roundhouse kick, an STO and the 450 splash. This one’s over.
WINNER: Justin Gabriel. I seriously doubt Mahal has any fans outside of his family, but if he does, they will be disappointed when he’s gone in about 3 months.
Backstage, we see Foley and several wrestlers celebrating Christmas, including Maxine, Hornswoggle, Trent Barreta, the Usos and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Hornswoggle’s drinking egg nog as Dusty Rhodes walks in. He offers to give Hornswoggle a picture of Lady GaGa eating a corn beef sandwich. Hornswoggle grunts. Rhodes says there are some weird people around here as he turns around and comes face-to-face with Goldust. David Otunga walks in on Piper and Barreta talking. He has a message from John Laurinaitis. They can only play Christmas music that has been legally cleared through public domain. Foley says legally, by Otunga being here, he’s SmackDown talent, and therefore can place Otunga in the “Miracle on 34th Street” fight, and his opponent will be Randy Orton.
We see another promo for Kane, who will be returning with his mask soon. I really don’t care about this at all. I have no interest in seeing Kane wrestle again.
We see footage from 2 weeks ago on RAW when Cody Rhodes got in Booker T’s face and dumped water on him. This segues into footage from WWE ’12, featuring Rhodes vs. Booker T. For some reason, in the game, Rhodes still comes out to his old “Dashing” music, and is still going by the “Dashing” nickname.
Ken Doll Striker is in the back with Booker T. Booker T says he doesn’t know what Rhodes’ problem is, but it’s all going to come to ahead…Rhodes immediately runs in and clobbers Booker T with the IC title belt.
Did anyone out there really want yet another awful Mission: Impossible movie?
MATCH 3: WWE Tag Team Co-Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Tyson Kidd
Kidd’s growing his hair out. He also got the jobber non-entrance. Kidd with a waistlock into a top wristlock. Kingston backflips out into a sunset flip for 2. He goes for a monkey flip out of the corner, but Kidd hangs onto the ropes and hits a basement dropkick for 2. Kingston runs into a back elbow for another 2-count. Kidd goes into a dragon sleeper. They crisscross the ropes, and collide into a double clothesline. We learn that the Booker/Rhodes match will not happen tonight due to the attack. Kingston comes back with some chops and a dropkick. Jumping clothesline followed by the Boom Drop. Kingston sets up for Trouble in Paradise, but Kidd sees it coming and rolls to the floor. Kingston follows and hits a dropkick, using the ring apron for leverage. Kingston takes a moment to make fun of Michael Cole and takes his reindeer hat off. Kidd comes back with a kick, but Kingston slams him into the apron. Back in the ring, Kingston puts the hat and Rudolph nose on before climbing to the top rope, hitting the high cross body for the 3.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston. Apparently, every match tonight save for the main event is going to be a throw-away.
Backstage, Hornswoggle is trying to put an ornament high on the tree. Kaitlyn tells him he should ask Santa to make him a little bit taller. Sheamus is with Teddy Long. He wants to know what the deal is with the battle royal tonight. Long doesn’t know either, as it’s all Mick Foley’s doing. Aksana hits her cue. She apologizes for losing the match earlier. Back in Lithuania, she didn’t have such big Christmas parties. She doesn’t know what mistletoe is. Long tells her to do what feels natural. She eats the berries off of it and says they tickle her tonsils. We see Curt Hawkins talking to Kaitlyn as we cut to Randy Orton, who is facing David Otunga next.
MATCH 4-“Miracle on 34th Street” Fight: Randy Orton vs. David Otunga
As you would probably expect, there’s a whole bunch of Christmas crap around ringside which will more than likely be used as weapons. Orton immediately starts off with what he does best, a side headlock. Shoulderblock off the ropes. Otunga telegraphs a back body drop, which allows Orton to clothesline him to the floor. Orton follows and runs into a boot. He blocks an apron slam and hits one of his own before throwing Otunga into a Christmas tree. Orton with a European uppercut before throwing Otunga into another tree. Otunga slams Orton’s back into the apron twice. Otunga hits some punches, exhausting half of his moveset already. Orton slams Otunga’s head into the announce table, eats a cookie, then slams a cookie sheet across Otunga’s back. Orton places a wreath around Otunga’s neck then throws him through yet another Christmas tree. Otunga reverses a whip into the steps, then suplexes Orton onto the floor. No surprise, there is absolutely ZERO chemistry here. Otunga grabs a candy cane-striped kendo stick, but is tackled to the floor by Orton before he can use it. Orton grabs the stick and hits Otunga in the back. Otunga heads up the ramp, but is cut off when Orton hits him in the head with a present. Orton points at the big tree and pile of gifts on the stage before throwing Otunga into them. Orton pulls Otunga back to the ramp and punches him. Otunga crushes one of the presents, showing that they are empty cardboard boxes, which makes him selling the box shot look even more pathetic. Orton throws Otunga into the ring, pulls him right back out and hits the suspended DDT on the floor. Wade Barrett runs down and hits Orton from behind, then boots him in the face. Barrett throws both Orton and Otunga in the ring, where Otunga gets a 2-count. Otunga with some stomps, exhausting the other half of his move set. God, he can’t even do stomps properly. Otunga hits some shoulder thrusts, but Orton blocks a corner whip attempt and comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a powerslam. Orton sets up for the RKO, hits it, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Randy Orton. Did you honestly think Otunga stood a snowball’s chance in hell here? When was the last time he even had a match?
Backstage, we see a doctor wrapping up Mark Henry’s foot. Long asks where his Christmas spirit is. Henry says if it wasn’t for Long, he wouldn’t be in this mess. He’ll take care of Big Show at TLC after destroying Daniel Bryan tonight. Henry’s in a giving mood, and he plans on giving Bryan the worst beating of his life and turning this into the “nightmare before Christmas”. He tells Teddy Long to get out of his face right now.
The new Austin DVD is fantastic. I’ll have my review up by the end of the week.
MATCH 5-“All I Want For Christmas” Battle Royal; Participants: Ted DiBiase, Hornswoggle, Hunico, Ezekiel Jackson, JTG, Tyson Kidd, Kofi Kingston, Jinder Mahal, Titus O’Neill, Tyler Reks, Sheamus, Heath Slater, Yoshi Tatsu, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Darren YoungJohnny Curtis vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Curt Hawkins vs. Percy Watson
Hornswoggle immediately climbs under the ring. Guess whos’ winning. Sheamus throws out Darren Young almost immediately. One of the Usos is thrown out. Hunico knocks JTG out. Lots of brawling here. Zeke throws Hawkins out. Sheamus and Zeke face off and begin to brawl, wish Sheamus getting the best of it. Zeke tries to clothesline Sheamus out, but Sheamus low bridges him, sending him to the floor over the top. Johnny Curtis gets thrown out off Sheamus’ back. The other Uso and Kingston are gone. Tyson Kidd clotheslines Yoshi Tatsu to the floor before eliminating DiBiase with a headscissors over the top rope. Hornswoggle comes out and pulls Kidd down to the floor, eliminating him. Commercial.
We’re back, and the only ones left are Gabriel, Reks, Mahal, Hunico, Sheamus, Slater, O’Neill and Hornswoggle. Mahal throws Gabriel out. Sheamus clotheslines O’Neill over the top rope. Slater and Mahal begin double-teaming Sheamus with boots. Sheamus with Irish Hammers to go around. Tyler Reks tries to clobber Sheamus from behind, so Sheamus beats the hell out of him. Reks climbs out under the bottom rope, and Sheamus follows through the middle rope. The rest of the wrestlers in the ring minus Hornswoggle follow suit and take Sheamus out. They climb back in. Mahal has a busted lip. He tries to set up a strategy with them to go after Hornswoggle. Mahal throws ‘Swoggle back in the ring, and he’s cornered by the four heels. He tries to run, but Hunico and Slater take turns throwing him to the mat. Mahal and Reks pick him up to swing him, but Sheamus comes back in and immediately throws Reks, Hunico and Mahal out. Sheamus Brogue Kicks Slater over the top rope, eliminating him. It’s down to Sheamus and Hornswoggle. Sheamus is laughin as Hornswoggle pretends to act tough. Sheamus orders him out of the ring. ‘Swoggle says the same to him before kicking him in the shins a couple times. Sheamus picks him up and carries him over the top rope, but ‘Swoggle’s hanging onto the top rope. Sheamus climbs over the top rope and pulls Sheamus to the apron and orders him to get down. Hornswoggle asks for a hug, pushing Sheamus down to the floor.
WINNER: Hornswoggle. Can I call it or can I call it? After the match, Sheamus gets in the ring and raises Hornswoggle’s hand up, then puts him on his shoulder. The crowd isn’t happy, and understandably so. Meanwhile, Sheamus had to job to a midget. Really, really stupid booking here.
We see how Daniel Bryan became #1 contender to the World title last week, and his match with Mark Henry in a cage is up next.
Did You Know? Carl Oulette began wearing an eye patch as part of his gimmick, not only because he was portraying a pirate, but because he legitimately became blind in one eye during his career.
Backstage, we see the Christmas party continuing. Hornswoggle is sitting on Mick Foley’s lap. Sheamus tells Foley Hornswoggle’s wish is to know how to talk. Foley says all he needs is a hug. Hornswoggle hugs Foley and all of a sudden begins talking. He calls Vickie Guerrero “grandma”. All of a sudden, Foley walks into frame wearing a Cactus Jack shirt. Piper and Dusty Rhodes look over to where he was sitting, and there’s no one there.
AJ walks up to Daniel Bryan, wishes him luck, kisses him and says she knows he can do this. Striker says this could be the biggest night of Bryan’s life. Bryan says he held the World title last week, and even though it was only for a moment, that moment felt great. He knows Henry isn’t 100% tonight, and eventually, everyone taps. Tonight, his dream becomes a reality. Have I mentioned Bryan is wearing a badass leather jacket here? Well, he is.
In 2 weeks, WWE will be doing the Slammy Awards once again.
MATCH 6-Cage Match for the World Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Champion Mark Henry
Henry comes out with his left foot taped up over the boot. We get the formal introductions for the match. Kind of a mixed reaction for both guys. Supposedly, there were rumors floating around at RAW that Bryan would walk away as champion tonight. We’ll see what happens, I guess. Bryan immediately tries to escape the cage, but is pulled down by Henry. He tries it again, and is once again pulled down. Bryan gets in some kicks to the upper leg, but Henry shrugs him off. Bryan with more kicks, no going for the injured part. Henry throws Bryan into a cage wall before avalanching him against it. Commercial.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Mark Henry. Well, the end result was disappointing, albeit expected. Bryan still looked awesome here, and even managed to get an enjoyable match out of Mark Henry. That’s no small feat.
End of show.
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