WWE Totally Divas: A New Reality Star Is Born

Obviously, the WWE chose the right girls for this reality show. As with any reality show, I have a hard time believing that 99% of what I am seeing is real. Add the WWE to this dynamic and you just don’t know where kayfabe begins and ends. I mean, they ask newbie Eva Marie to turn her hair blonde and she openly defies them by getting it fire red… and they say nothing to her? C’mon. I am a wrestling fan which means I am all-in for suspending my disbelief, but damn… make more of an effort. Anyway, after taking in this Totally Divas show, the only real definitive statement I can make is: Ariane is REALITY TV GOLD!

In my opinion, there are three things that a person needs to be a reality show superstar. 1. You have to have zero self-awareness. 2. You have to be willing to have and/or act like a complete fool at any time; in any setting; at any place. 3. You must be completely irrational 50% of the time you are on camera. These are hard rules. Ariane fits the bill perfectly. She deserves a raise from WWE for this show alone.

It’s like the producers see what I see. They started right off the second-half premiere with Ariane going insane and trying to attack another motorist. By the way, I loved the impromptu commentary from John, “don’t get out of the car. You better not get out…. She got out of the damn car.” LOL. It doesn’t even matter to me that by the end of the episode Ariane seemed to acknowledge her anger and track down the genesis of it by talking to her mother. That seemed more like damage control by WWE rather than real contrition.

Ariane and her boyfriend Vincent (the large winky man) are perfect for each other. They have the same level of self-awareness (meaning they are totally deficient). What was he thinking even considering speaking Brodus Clay’s name out loud? Brodus would have smashed him, then ate him, then went ahead and wrestled as if nothing had happened. How oblivious to reality is Ariane for even going to her boyfriend and “telling” on Brodus, LOL??? What? This is a work setting! Or is it? I was praying for them to get Brodus’ reaction on-camera. That would have been classic!

This whole Vincent/Ariane/Brodus situation spawned the line of the season from Trinity (speaking to Ariane of course): “You need a therapist.” That statement was simple, slightly understated, and most importantly – TRUE.

I am all in on Trinity. I love her. I want to marry her (and I don’t even believe in marriage). Good to see that Trinity has her head on her shoulders and not up her ass (pun intended). She talks as if her mind is clearly on the big picture, when she talks about wrestling only 4 more years before hanging it up to have children. She’s constantly trying to tell/show Ariane that what she did could cost them their jobs (in an easily replaceable position), but Ariane, the reality television superstar, is most of the time having none of it, which makes for interesting television.

Ariane is nothing short of hilarious. After her spat with Trinity in the episode Feuding Funkadactyls (which I honestly think had elements of being both staged and real) she tells Stephanie “I just think you have to be professional, no matter what else is going on you can’t bring it to work, you have to be professional, that’s what I do.” LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL!!! This girl has no clue who she is and how she acts… I LOVE IT! The most insane things about this feud is that Trinity actually apologized to Ariane first – UNREAL!!

Some of these plots are so obviously fabricated (hate against the Bellas, non-excitement about newbies, etc) but I do think these characters are strong enough to carry this show on their own. I mean, Brie Bella hated the new girls, sight unseen. She wasn’t expressing the type of vulnerability that we all think about privately when new blood enters our workplace, she seemed as if she was reading page two of the script they gave her.

Then, in the first half of season one, John bought Nikki a Range Rover? This was the start of the fakest storyline of the episode. He gives her the car and now everyone wants to talk about whether or not the relationship is serious… wedding bells… etc. Gag me! I have developed a higher respect for Cena’s intellect and work ethic. A cohabitation agreement he asked Nikki to sign is actually smart (and considered standard for someone of his stature). He looks like a meathead and has a corny in-ring persona, but he’s actually pretty smart and level-headed. The WWE is lucky to have him.

Another totally staged part of this season was when Cena and Nikki went on a date early in the first half. Cena told Nikki he loves her because of a “random dinner on a Thursday night” or “fishing in the morning in the rain,” “I would never do that with anyone else.” Gag me again with a spoon. “You make me want to do all of these things.” LOL. She makes him want to fish and eat? LOL.

I feel absolutely bad for Nattie Neidhart. She is definitely the sane mouthpiece for the women on this show, yet she doesn’t get nearly the respect from WWE management. One thing I do buy into is, the storyline of Nattie helping the new girls get acclimated. She’s also a lot cuter than I previously realized. She’s loyal, cute, smart, and sometimes adorably naïve. Why she continued engaging in conversation with her friend Jaret, even after marrying TJ, I’ll never know. The producers made TJ look so bad at times, I initially wanted Nattie to be with Jared. But, TJ has bounced back, and if he ever stops being a mama’s boy, he’d be alright.

By the way, Eva Marie is ridiculously hot. Her “I’m the best thing in the world” shtick is obviously contrived, but who cares… she’s hot! Her sidekick Jo Jo looks like someone’s little sister. There is nothing wrong with that though. She’s cute and very young, which is the scariest thing about her.

The ratings seem to be strong for this initial season, and Variety has already reported that ‘Totally Divas’ will be returning for a season two.  The show is turning out to be the BOMB-dot-com!

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Jack Gotta

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