Welcome to the 9/9/11 edition of WWE Friday Night SmackDown! You know, sometimes I wish SmackDown! was as bad as TNA, if for no other reason than it would give me more to rant about to open each column. However, I can’t really think of anything to complain about at the moment, so let’s just move on.
Okay, I’ll comment on one thing on RAW. In regards to Kevin Nash being fired in storyline, I wish it was a real firing. Nash needs to go away. He still sucks in the ring and isn’t nearly as entertaining on a microphone as he used to be. Him trying to go toe-to-toe with CM Punk, one of the best talkers of the last 15 years or so, is just embarrassing.
Good enough? Alright then. Now, without further adieu, on with the show.
Dear god. We get ANOTHER Mark Henry video to open the show. Why are there so many of these when everyone knows Henry doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of taking the title at Night of Champions?
[adinserter block=”2″]As if the opening video wasn’t bad enough, Mark Henry is now making his way to the ring. Henry is going to tell us about the “Hall of Pain”. He says a lot of people think that, because Henry’s been with the WWE for 15 years, his best years are behind him. When did Henry have his “best years”, anyway? He says Big Show and Kane have special wings in the “Hall of Pain”, and Randy Orton will be inducted at Night of Champions. Apparently, someone said the beating Henry gave Orton last week is the worst Orton’s ever got, and there’s more to come. Henry’s whole career has led him to this point. He’s more unpredictable, dangerous and reckless than before, and come NOC, we’ll be looking at the new World Champion.
All of a sudden, Zack Ryder’s music hits. He gets a major pop. Ryder tells Henry that he’s on a major roll and says they can be broskis. Henry says Zack must have a death wish. Ryder says that Henry and Orton are in action tonight, and that Teddy Long has made a “no-contact” rule between Henry and Orton. He goes to leave the ring, but Henry calls him back in. Henry thanks him for the head’s up. Zack says “you’re welcome” and begins to leave again. Henry calls him back in to ask a question. Henry asks Zack who he thinks is going to win at NOC. Zack Ryder picks Beth Phoenix over Kelly Kelly as a joke. Ryder says he can’t answer Henry’s question, because if he says Orton, Henry will snort him up one nostril and shoot him out the other. He goes to leave again, but Henry wants to him clarify he can’t touch Orton. Zack nods, and Henry says he has to put his hands on someone tonight. Ryder starts to lay in a few punches, but Henry knocks him down with a backhand and then hits the World’s Strongest Slam. Ryder sold both hits better than damn near the entire roster, BTW.
Ezekiel Jackson makes his way to the ring. He’s apparently Henry’s opponent for tonight. Where did this referee appear from, anyway? Commercial
Since Warhammer 40000: Space Marine is on consoles, I might be willing to give it a shot.
MATCH 1: Mark Henry vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Match starts with a stare down. Don’t expect much here. Henry pushes Zeke off and asks for a test of strength. Zeke goes along with it. Henry puts Zeke to his knees, but Zeke gets back up to his feet. Henry back body drops him. Zeke asks for the test now. Henry goes for it, but kicks Zeke in the knee and gets on a top wrist lock. He throws Zeke down to the mat. Zeke lays in some head and body shots before going for the rack. Henry fights out and slides to the floor. Zeke follows, but eats a boot to the face. Henry rams Zeke’s back into the ring post before throwing him back in. Henry hits a clothesline and a pair of running splashes. Zeke gets back up, but Henry immediately hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the 3.
WINNER: Mark Henry. Typical big man match, and Zeke is shunted even further down the card.
World Champion Randy Orton will face Intercontinental Champion in a non-title match tonight. I think that’s when I’ll be slipping into a coma.
In Teddy Long’s office, he’s on the phone with someone before Aksana and her porn music walk in. The lights also change color. She asks to be the guest ring announcer for the divas match tonight, and Long says if she keeps doing this, it won’t be special. Aksana says she can do something else very special with her mouth, and that’s sing. Long runs away to check on Zack Ryder. I’d make a Yakov Smirnoff joke here, but that would be an insult to Yakov.
Sin Cara (still being played by Hunico) is out for his match. We see how he kicked Daniel Bryan in the head after their match last week. Commercial.
I may have to check out Dead Island. Anyone else play it yet?
MATCH 2: Sin Cara vs. Tyson Kidd
Kidd starts off with a kick and an arm wringers. Cara reciprocates. Kidd with a slingshot arm drag. After a few reversals, Cara hits a spinning headscissors, sending Kidd to the floor. Cara follows it up with a very slow top rope plancha. Back in the ring, Cara gets 2. In the corner, Cara gets some chops and kicks. He whips Kidd into the other corner, but Kidd reverses a charge into a hip toss into the turnbuckles for 2. Kidd gets an elbow to the gut, followed by a snapmare, followed by a kick to the back of the head for 2. Kidd goes for a modified surfboard, but Cara fights out and hits a step-up enziguri. Kidd reverses a corner whip, but Cara rolls through it and follows up with a springboard crossbody for 2. Cara with some kicks to the legs and another springboard crossbody from the middle rope, but Kidd reverses into a 2. Cara catches the modified fireman’s carry slam, followed by the combination springboard somersault senton/lionsault to finish Kidd off.
WINNER: Sin Cara. Not a bad match, but I’ve seen these two do better in the past. Josh Mathews climbs into the ring to attempt an interview. He says he’s not sure Cara can understand him, but asks him about his new aggressive attitude. Cara does speak English. He says he’s been holding back out of respect for the other wrestlers in the past, but no one is stopping him now. He says this new style and aggression is the real Sin Cara.
Daniel Bryan makes his way out. He didn’t see Cara speaking English coming, but he didn’t see the kick to the head last week coming, either. He says when he got kicked last week, it showed him Cara doesn’t respect him. He says they have a problem that needs to be rectified, and that Bryan has a simple solution. He challenges Cara to a match next week. Cara kicks him a few times before putting Bryan in the LeBell Lock.
Sheamus will face Wade Barrett later tonight. This will easily be my favorite match of the night, and I haven’t even seen it yet.
We get a video package for Cody Rhodes. Basically, it covers how he went from being “disfigured” to one of the most boring IC champs in recent memory.
Backstage, Ken Doll asks Randy Orton his thoughts on Rhodes. He says Cody has changed, but not for the better. He calls Cody unstable, and that can be dangerous. He says Henry attacking him last week was smart and calculated. He calls Henry dangerous and has people wondering who or what can stop him. Orton says the answer is an R…K…O. That’s how he said it.
MATCH 3: Divas Champion Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya (w/Beth Phoenix) (non-title)
I swear that Kelly’s music says “All the girls in my ass say ‘ho’, and you know just how they do”. Does anyone know what the hell that even means? Before Natalya comes out, we see the video of Beth Phoenix annihilating Eve Torres on RAW to become the new #1 contender. Nattie comes out with Beth. God, they are hot. Kelly starts with some forearms. Nattie misses a corner charge and Kelly hits a bulldog for 2. Kelly locks in the modified Tarantula, but Nattie pushes her off. Kelly starts to get in the ring and Nattie knocks her back out. Beth is just sitting on the steps, looking amazing. Nattie hits Kelly from behind before throwing her back into the ring. Nattie talks some trash to Kelly before hitting a forearm to the neck and locking in an abdominal stretch. Kelly elbows out, but Nattie hair whips her back down for 2. Nattie picks Kelly up for an Alabama Slam, but spins her around instead. Kelly gets to the ropes. Nattie pulls her back in and goes for the Sharpshooter, but Kelly rolls her up for the 3.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly. Beth immediately runs in and tries to get to Kelly Kelly, but Kelly shows what a total wuss she is by immediately running away.
Up next, Sheamus/Barrett.
Before the match, Christian makes his way to the ring in his regular clothes. He says the following match has been postponed, as have the rest of the matches tonight because Teddy Long refuses to do the right thing. Last week on RAW, Christian says he was forced to compete in the main event, where he was the victim of an illegal double-team from Sheamus and John Cena. 24 hours later, he still manned up and competed in a cage match for the World Championship. He says he took Orton to the limit, and that experts say Christian was ahead on the scorecard. Christian says the right thing to do is give him one more match for…
Sheamus’ music cuts Christian off. Sheamus tells him to give it a rest, and that it’s getting embarrassing. He said it reminds him of a litter of puppies his dog once had. All the puppies were healthy except the last one born. It grew up to be very scrawny and seedy-looking, developed mange, and when it barked, hot air came out of its arse. Christian tells him to shut up. Sheamus says he, Christian and the entire WWE universe know Christian isn’t going to get one more match. Sheamus says he thinks he speaks for everyone when he says Christian’s out of matches, shots and excuses, and right now, he’s going to get out of this ring. Christian starts to say something, but decides to just leave the ring instead. Wade Barrett makes his way out and passes Christian. They stare each other down a bit. Have I mentioned that Wade Barrett’s jacket is badass?
MATCH 4: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett
They start with a tie-up all around the ring. Sheamus backs Barrett into the corner before a clean break. Sheamus with a side headlock into a hip throw. Barrett throws him off, but is shoulder blocked down for 2. Barrett with some shots and a headbutt. He stomps Sheamus into the corner. Sheamus comes out with some shots and headbutts of his own. Sheamus telegraphs a back body drop, but comes back with a back elbow off a kick by Barrett. Barrett rolls outside. Back in the ring, Barrett with a kick to the gut and some elbows to the neck, followed by a knee to the head. Sheamus is back up and hits some vicious shots with his forearm and knee. Sheamus with a gut shot in the corner, followed by some more knees to the head. Barrett gets in some shots and reverses a corner whip, sending Sheamus sternum first into the turnbuckle, followed by an albow and a stomp. Barrett with a flying forearm for 2. Barrett hits some forearms to the chest and gets in a rear chinlock with his knee in Sheamus’ back as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Wade Barrett hits a scrapbuster for 2. Barrett ties Sheamus up into the ropes and gets a few knees in, followed by a running boot. Sheamus gets stuck on the middle rope, so Barrett unhooks him and lets him drop to the floor. Outside, Barrett drives Sheamus’ back into the apron. Back in the ring, Barrett gets 2. Barrett with a chinlock now, but Sheamus fights out with some gut shots and headbutts. Barrett hits a big overhand right, sending Sheamus to the apron. Sheamus comes back with a hotshot and a pair of Irish Hammers. Barrett gets a boot up in the corner, but runs right into a tilt-a-whirl powerslam. Sheamus gets Barrett in the ropes and forearms the hell out of his chest, followed by the running knee on the apron. Sheamus goes up top and hits the shoulder block. All of a sudden, Christian runs in and attacks Sheamus, causing the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sheamus. Sheamus gets double-teamed by Barrett and Christian in the corner. Sheamus fights out and knocks Christian to the floor before hitting Barrett with another Irish Hammer, followed by the Brogue Kick. Christian tries to jump Sheamus from the top rope, but Sheamus catches him and goes for the Celtic Cross. He gets Christian up, but Christian slides out and makes his way up the ramp. Although the ending was cheap, this was a good match. Both guys looked really good throughout, and Sheamus looked especially strong in the aftermath.
I can’t wait for the WWE Network next year.
We get a clip of Edge on Haven. Meh.
MATCH 5: WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom (Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston) vs. The Great Khali and Jinder Mahal (non-title)
Air Boom beat Khali and Mahal last Monday on RAW. This will be happening again in just a few minutes. Bourne and Mahal start. Bourne with a waistlock, but Mahal elbows out. Bourne catches a hurricanrana and several kicks. He goes to the middle rope, but Mahal pulls him down and clotheslines him for 2. Khali tags in and gets a boot to the gut and a forearm to the back. Booker T agrees with me that the name “Air Boom” sucks. Khali piefaces Bourne across the top rope. Mahal tags in and Khali gets a big chop to the chest. Mahal goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees him in the head while vertical and then catches another knee before tagging in Kingston. Kingston hits a top rope cross body, a drop kick and a jumping clothesline. Kofi hits the Boom Drop. He signals for Trouble in Paradise, but Mahal sees it coming and moves. Kingston hits a middle rope cross body for 2. Khali throws Bourne outside and Mahal catches Kingston with some knees. Mahal turns around and begins yelling at Khali for some reason. Khali shoves Mahal down. Mahal gets up and turns around right into Trouble in Paradise for 3.
WINNERS: Air Boom. After the match, Khali just stares at Mahal before leaving the ring. Mahal starts yelling at him. Great. A tag team no one wanted in the first place is breaking up.
Cody Rhodes makes his way out for his squash match with Randy Orton with his tea baggers…I mean bag boys. One of them gives Booker T a bag yet again this week. Is there a point to this? Please don’t tell me we’re going to get a Booker/Rhodes feud. Commercial.
After the break, we see how Rhodes turned on Ted DiBiase 2 weeks ago. As a result, expect DiBiase to cost Rhodes the match tonight. Cody Rhodes gets a microphone and calls himself an inspiration, the blind spot of the WWE. He says he’s been surrounded by jealous people in his career and he’s overcome them. He was trying to inspire Ted DiBiase through his success, but Ted was happy being Ted. Rhodes says he wasn’t going to let Ted sink him, so he dropped him. And when the anchor sank to the bottom, the Intercontinental Championship floated to the top, and that’s what you’d call an inspiration. Rhodes tells Orton there’s a thin line between unstable and thriving. Orton has inspired him to show Orton just how unstable he can be. My god, Rhodes’ promos suck. Not only does he just suck at talking, but the promos are completely nonsensical. I think he and Bryan Kendrick have been hanging out lately.
Orton makes his way out as we go to commercial again.
Edge will be a special guest on SmackDown! next week.
MATCH 6: Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes vs. World Champion Randy Orton
Cody Rhodes needs to remember to work out his legs in the gym once in a while, especially his calves. My forearms look bigger than his legs. Tie-up to start, and Rhodes immediately turns it into a schoolboy for 1. Another tie-up, with Rhodes getting a headlock. Rhodes with a roll-up for another 1. Another tie-up with, with Orton getting the headlock. Orton with a dropkick off the ropes, but Rhodes comes back with a boot and a Goldust uppercut. Orton swats off a dropkick and hits one of his own for 2. Orton with a stomp to the midsection, followed by another one. Orton hits a forearm to the chest and gets a pair of corner whips. Rhodes reverses the third one, but Orton comes back with a clothesline and an awful Thesz Press. Rhodes comes back with a headbutt. And a stomp to the gut. Rhodes with some stomps to the head. Rhodes’ tights look about 5 sizes too small. Just saying. In the corner, Orton comes back with a boot, a headbutt and a punch. Orton hits a European uppercut, but misses a jumping knee. Rhodes with some kicks to Orton’s right leg. Rhodes with the Val Venis knee lift off the ropes. Orton throws Rhodes to the apron for the suspended DDT, but Rhodes reverses and throws Orton to the apron, followed by the Beautiful Disaster, which sends Orton to the floor. Has anyone else noticed that practically Rhodes’ entire move set is lifted from guys no longer wrestling in WWE? Commercial.
Back from the break, Orton is dominating with boots, otherwise known as 50% of the moves he normally uses. Rhodes with a modified top wristlock on the mat. He turns it into a top wristlock, followed by some knees to the gut. Rhodes gets 2 off a stomp. Rhodes backs Orton into the corner with some punches, but Orton gets a few of his own. Rhodes counters and continues to work over Orton’s left arm. He then gets a chinlock in, but Orton fights out with some punches. Orton bounces off the ropes into a kitchen sink by Rhodes. Rhodes with some knees to the arm, followed by an armbar. Rhodes misses a corner shoulder block, but no-sells that and hits some punches, followed by an Alabama Slam for 2. Rhodes with another corner whip. He bounces off the ropes for a bulldog, but Orton just throws Rhodes off. Orton with a pair of clotheslines and a powerslam. Time for Orton’s “Five Moves of Doom” I guess. Rhodes comes back with a gourdbuster, but misses a kneedrop. Orton hits a kneedrop for 2. Rhodes rolls to the apron, leading to the suspended DDT. Orton signals for the RKO, but Rhodes sees it coming and rolls to the outside. He rolls right back in and reverses a back suplex attempt. Rhodes goes for the Cross Rhodes, but Orton escapes. Rhodes goes for the Beautiful Disaster again, but Orton catches him with an RKO for the pin.
[adinserter block=”1″]WINNER: Randy Orton. Surprisingly, no Ted DiBiase. After the match, Mark Henry comes down to the ring. He and Orton stare each other down. Orton hits Henry with some punches, but Henry throws off an RKO attempt and takes Orton down with a standing avalanche, followed by the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry with another WSM. I guess they forgot about that “no touching” rule. They should ask George Bluth. Mark Henry grabs a chair from ringside. He sets the chair up across Orton’s neck and chest, then sits on it. Orton’s selling it like he’s being choked, despite the bar on the chair being a good inch from his neck.
End of show.
The Sin Cara/Tyson Kidd match was okay, but like I said, they’ve done better. Sheamus/Wade Barrett was easily, at least in my opinion, the best match of the night, aside from the DQ finish. At least it’s building towards a Sheamus/Christian feud, which I’m okay with.
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Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.