This week, the show emanates from Miami, FL, and we open with the New Day coming down to the ring with their picket signs. A silver table is propped up in the ring against the buckles. Each guy in the group spends time talking about how awesome tables are. Of course I’m not joking. Big E says the Dudley Boyz don’t respect tables, but that can be changed. He then invites everyone to “Save the Tables” and tries to get a chant started.
After a bit of this, the Dudley Boys finally come out, mics in-hand. D-Von says he’s sorry to interrupt, but there’s a moment with the tables the New Day forgot to mention. We go to footage from last week on RAW when Xavier Woods was 3-D’ed through a table. Bubba Ray says history repeats itself. They beat the New Day on RAW, they’ll do it again, they’ll take the titles and become 10-time champions.
Now the Prime-Time Players come out as the New Day have taken the table out of the ring. Titus O’Neil says he doesn’t know how they did things in the “Attitude Era”, but now, you have to earn your keep. The PTP have done that, as well as earned a rematch for the belts. The Dudleys have to get to the back of the line. D-Von tells Bubba to tell the the PTP, and Bubba goes into his TNA bit. He says they put people through tables and win titles. Darren Young says Titus has a gift for them. The two enter the ring as Titus says they’ve got two tickets to Dudleyville right now.
MATCH 1: THE DUDLEY BOYZ (BUBBA RAY AND D-VON) VS. THE PRIME-TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEIL AND DARREN YOUNG)
The New Day are on commentary. Young and D-Von lock up and D-Von applies a waistlock. Young counters into a headlock. The two trade a couple more counters before D-Von hits a shoulder for 1. Young trips him for 1, then gets hit with a bodyslam before avoiding an elbow. He connects with a rolling elbow before D-Von hits a spinning back elbow off the ropes. The two start screaming, and their partners enter the ring and start screaming as well. Commercials.
Back from the break, Young rolls D-Von up for 2, then applies another headlock. D-Von hiptosses him off the ropes, then hits an armdrag. Bubba tags in and locks up with Young. Young hits him with an armdrag, then goes back to the lock-up before hitting another one. Bubba throws Young to the corner, where he misses a chop. Young tees off on him and whips him across the ring before running into a back elbow. D-Von tags and the two hit the 3-D #2 for a 2-count. D-Vone hits a snapmare and gets 2 off an elbow. He applies a rear chinlock, and Young fights out. D-Von gets 2 off a clothesline, then tags in Bubba. Bubba drives his elbow into Young’s back, then knocks him down with a punch. The New Day are just as bad on commentary are Jimmy Uso. Anyway, in the ring, Young comes back with an enziguri. Titus gets a tag and hits everything, including D-Von, before dropping Bubba with a big boot. He connects with an avalanche and hits a bodyslam. Bubba comes back with an elbow off the ropes, tags in D-Von, and they hit the 3-D for 3.
WINNERS: THE DUDLEY BOYZ.
After the match, Kofi Kingston hits the Dudleys with a cheap shot before bailing up the ramp.
“MizTV” is back with Dolph Ziggler and Lana. You can probably feel my enthusiasm.
Oh! And we get Neville vs. Stardust YET AGAIN.
We see the New Day celebrating, with Woods playing a trombone. Renee Young asks about their match tonight. They don’t know anything about a match. She says they’re facing Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose. Woods is sad.
[adinserter block=”1″]Stardust is in the ring, waiting for Neville to come out. As Neville comes out for the match, he’s attacked from behind by the Ascension. He tries to fight them off, but they club him down before Konnor drops him with a big boot. Stardust is feigning surprise as they roll him in. The three stomp him as Stardust does his usual crap before announcing the Ascension are his new cohorts. The Ascension lay Neville out with the Fall of Man before Stardust says, “Welcome to the cosmic wasteland.”
Jojo is standing by with Cesaro. She says he lost on RAW to Kevin Owens, then asks how he’s feeling tonight about Sheamus. He says setbacks happen, but you can bounce back from them. Tonight, he’s going to do what he loves, get in the ring and compete, and there’s no better way to do that than against Sheamus. Sheamus interrupts. He says it is what it is. Cesaro will always be good, but never good enough. The WWE Universe loves him, hoping and praying he’ll reach the next level. Every week, Cesaro lets them down. It’s like he’s leading them on. And on. And on. Cesaro is glad Sheamus is watching Cesaro’s stuff, because he can learn something. Standing this close to Sheamus right now, he agrees with the WWE Universe in that he looks stupid. Sheamus says this will be entertaining.
MATCH 2: SHEAMUS VS. CESARO
Cesaro’s ribs are taped up as a result of RAW. Sheamus rolls to the floor and asks for a mic. He screams at the audience that he’s told them time and time again he does not look stupid. He then starts calling fans stupid-looking before telling them to respect the ‘hawk. Cesaro chases him back into the ring, hits a boot from the apron, ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Sheamus comes back with some rib shots. Cesaro blocks one and hits a few of his own before connecting with a short-arm. Cesaro applies a hold, messes with Sheamus’ mohawk, then hits a suplex. Sheamus backdrops him over the top, but he lands on the apron and goes for a suplex. Sheamus blocks and hotshots the arm before throwing Cesaro into the ribs-first into the buckles. Cesaro drops to the floor in pain as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Sheamus catches Cesaro with a kitchen sink. He drives his knee into the ribs several more times before getting a 2-count. Sheamus goes into a rear mount and applies a chinlock. Cesaro muscles his way out and hits a back suplex. Sheamus recovers first and lands several strikes before Cesaro comes back with a series of Europeans. He backs Sheamus into the corner, sets him on the top buckle and hits a leaping European. Sheamus blocks a superplex, but Cesaro recovers and sends Sheamus to the floor with a dropkick. He rolls to the floor on the other side and catches Sheamus with a full-steam running European. Back in the ring, Cesaro heads up top and hits a cross-body for 2. In the corner, Cesaro hits a big boot. Sheamus reverses a corner-whip, hits a shoulder-thrust in the corner, then connects with the Irish Curse before locking in the Irish Clover Leaf. Cesaro reverses before pulling Sheamus down by his hair into a cradle for 2. Sheamus goes for the Irish Curse again, but Cesaro tilt-a-whirls out of it and locks in the crossface. Really nice spot there. Sheamus fights him off, so Cesaro breaks the hold and hits a double-stomp. In the corner, Cesaro lands several more strikes before the referee pulls him off. Cesaro goes back to the corner and stomps him down some more, and the ref pulls him away again. As he’s being backed off, Sheamus catches him with a surprise Brogue Kick for 3.
It’s time for “MizTV”, and I’m already zoning out. We go to footage from RAW, where Dolph Ziggler beat Rusev by DQ, followed by Lana and Summer Rae getting into a catfight. Ziggler’s new tights look odd. Rae also apparently snuck into Ziggler’s locker room, as if anyone still cares. This angle has absolutely zero legs to stand on. Back to the arena, Miz’s first guest is Rae. If you want a recap of this conversation, you must be the only person in the world who is a fan of Miz or Rae. Also, you’re not getting one. Rae looks like she has a black eye. Or maybe her face is just that awful. Could be both. Ugh. This is still going on. It’s basically a rehash of the angle with HBK, Davey Boy Smith and Diana Hart, only somehow worse.
After some atrocious fake crying, Ziggler and Lana come down to the ring. Ziggler mocks Miz a lot and says, like his main event at Wrestlemania, no one is buying it. Rae tells Lana she and Ziggler have had a thing for a while. Ziggler says something about a restraining order. Rae continues stinking up the joint, then cuts to footage from June of last year when she made out with Ziggler after a meaningless match with Fandango. Hey, remember him? Rae is still talking. Eventually, Lana clotheslines her and starts pounding on her before Ziggler pulls her off. She shoves Ziggler away and leaves the ring. Ziggler follows as Rae is still screeching in the ring.
MATCH 3: R-TRUTH VS. BO DALLAS
Fun fact: Truth is the guy that initially ended Dallas’ undefeated streak, which then led to a feud that went nowhere. That should tell you how highly both of these guys are viewed in the company. We see footage of Lesnar destroying Dallas a couple weeks ago on RAW, which is some of the best footage ever made. The match starts, and Dallas backs Truth into the corner for some strikes. Truth comes back with a tackle and goes for a side headlock. Dallas counters with a back suplex, then drops a few knees for 1. He chokes Truth over the middle rope, then hits another back suplex for 2. He applies a rear chinlock before Truth tries to fight out. Dallas catches him with a knee before Truth comes back with a couple clotheslines. He misses the Hat Rack Crack but connects with a jumping side kick. He misses a corner splash, and Dallas hits a suspended corkscrew neckbreaker (think the original version of Rob Conway’s Ego Trip) for 3.
WINNER: BO DALLAS.
Dallas continues the assault after the match and hits another corkscrew.
We see footage from the Divas “Beat the Clock” challenge on RAW. The fact that Nikki Bella is about to break AJ Lee’s record as longest-reigning Divas Champion makes me sick, and if you don’t believe it’s being done because a) she’s f**king John Cena, and b) Vince wants send a giant “F**K YOU!” to CM Punk, you’re delusional.
Renee Young is standing by with PCB. She points out Charlotte is the new #1 contender to the Divas title and congratulates her. Charlotte thanks her and calls her “woman” for some reason, and says she wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her teammates. Paige says that, before this revolution, the Bellas dominated everything. Now, she’s happy the bull’s eye is on Nikki. Even though she and Becky Lynch aren’t challenging her, she’s glad someone from their team will. Lynch says when one succeeds, they all succeed, and they will be cheering her on. Charlotte says Nikki is championg for a reason (as I just mentioned), but she wants the belt, and she’s going to get it with style, grace and a little bit of Flair.
Team C*m Dumpster Fire interrupt her with fake applause. Nikki drones on. Charlotte says she put in a petition to the Authority to have their title match before Nikki has a chance to break the record. If it’s approved, not only will Charlotte win the title, but Nikki won’t break the record.
MATCH 4: TAMINA (W/SASHA BANKS AND NAOMI) VS. CHARLOTTE (W/BECKY LYNCH AND PAIGE)
They lock up, and Tamina shoves her down. Tamina asks for a test of strength and wrenches Charlotte down. Charlotte fights back, but gets knocked on her back. Tamina nails a big clothesline off the ropes for 2, then connects with a chop before shoving Charlotte into the corner. She foot-chokes Charlotte against the bottom buckle, then hits a snapmare before kicking Charlotte in the back. Charlotte comes back with an elbow out of the corner, then drops Tamina with a big boot. She ducks a clothesline and hits a couple chops before connecting with a modified neckbreaker and a spear. She follows up with Natural Selection and gets 3.
As PCB are celebrating, Team Bella Tw*t come out. Nikki poses with her belt over her head, like always. Go back to when she first won the belt, and count how many times she’s been featured on RAW or Smackdown doing nothing but holding the belt up. It’s rig**damndiculous. To paraphrase Billy Zane in Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight, she’s not worth the flesh she’s printed on.
Renee Young is with Kevin Owens. She points out his win on RAW, then asks what is next. He points out he beat Cesaro at both Summerslam and on RAW. Now that he’s silenced those fans, the next movement he’s going after is people making fun of the way he looks. Whether it’s other superstars, commentators or fans, everyone needs to understand he’s been looked down upon his whole life, and it’s never stopped him. He’s in WWE now, and he continues to be looked down up, and it still will never stop him. The fact is, regardless of his looks, he has a god-given ability for this business. He challenges anyone to bring it on if they have a problem. In fact, feed him more.
[adinserter block=”2″]MATCH 5: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS VS. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS BIG E AND KOFI KINGSTON (W/XAVIER WOODS) (NON-TITLE)
Kofi and Ambrose start with a test of strength, but Kofi kicks Ambrose instead. Ambrose applies a side headlock before hitting a shoulder off the ropes. They crisscross, Ambrose blocks a hiptoss, hits a bodyslam and drops a power-drive elbow. Kofi fights out of an arm wringer and tags in E. Ambrose kicks him off the ropes and goes for a suplex. E counters, but Ambrose lands on his feet and tags in Reigns. They give E a double suplex for 2 before Reigns tees off on E in the corner. E reverses a corner whip and catches Reigns with a belly-to-belly. Woods is still playing the trombone. E and Kofi do the stomping spot in the corner before E whips Kofi in for a low dropkick for 2. Kofi applies a half-nelson before sending Reigns into the corner for some knees. E tags in and hits a gut shot. He connects with an avalanche, but gets turned inside-out with a clothesline on a second attempt. Ambrose tags in and hits a cross-body into some mounted punches. Ambrose stomps E down in the corner, nails a running forearm and drops E with a running bulldog. Kofi tries to interfere, but Ambrose intercepts him and sends him into a big Reigns clothesline. E is sent to the floor, where the New Day try to regroup. Ambrose heads to the top and wipes them out with a flying elbow. Commercials.
Back from the break, Kofi is now legal, and he kicks Ambrose in the chest for 2. Kofi applies a cobra clutch, which Ambrose armdrags out of. Kofi recovers and quickly puts Ambrose down with a dropkick for 2. E tags in and hits a Warrior Splash for 2. E applies an abdominal stretch, but then breaks the hold with a gut shot. He follows up with more gut shots in the corner, but then eats a boot when he tries for an avalanche. Ambrose heads up top, where E meets him and looks for a belly-to-belly superplex. Ambrose escapes and knocks E down with some headbutts. He then comes off with a seated missile dropkick. Reigns and Kofi tag in, with Reigns hitting a clothesline. He goes for a Samoan drop, but Kofi escapes, only to eat an uppercut. E gets one on the apron as well, and Reigns turns around to catch Kofi once more and connect with a running Samoan drop. Reigns hits a few corner clotheslines, knocks E off the apron once more, then catches Kofi with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Reigns loads up the Superman Punch, only to swing at Woods, who jumps on the apron. He misses, and that allows Kofi to roll him up for 2. Reigns then rolls Kofi up for 2, powers him and puts him down with a sit-out powerbomb for 2 as E breaks it up. Ambrose charges at him and gets caught in the Big Ending before escaping and hitting a rebound clothesline. E rolls to the floor, and Ambrose hits him with a suicide dive. In the ring, Kofi hits the pendulum kick, then comes off the top with a springboard dive, only to get caught with a Superman Punch in mid-air. He goes for the pin, but only gets 2 as Woods breaks up the pin, leading to the DQ.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS.
Ambrose returns to the ring and spikes Woods with Dirty Deeds before sending E into a Reigns spear. Ambrose then lifts Woods up into a double powerbomb. Ambrose grabs a mic and says that felt pretty good. He’s not done yet tonight, and he wants another crack at the “black sheep” of the Wyatt Family. Reigns asks the crowd if they want to see more before ordering the Wyatts to bring their asses down to the ring.
The Wyatt Family appear on the TitanTron. Most of what Bray Wyatt says is cut out, but I do manage to catch him saying that if Ambrose and Reigns want to do this, then they can do it at Night of Champions. Be forewarned: it will be their doomsday. Can they hear the footsteps? The apocalypse walks among them in the form of a black sheep. Braun Strowman appears, takes off his mask and tells them to run.
END OF SHOW.