Before we get into it, I have to mention that I’m making a slight change to Professor Steiner Says. Per request, a fair match, formerly known as an “Old, Butt-Sucking Bastard”, will now be known as “I’m doin’ him an egg!”.
And now, onto the show.
We kick off with Bray Wyatt appearing on the screen. He has the Undertaker’s hat. He says the spirits that fuel the Brothers of Destruction belong to him now. He owns the soul of Kane, and he owns the soul of the Undertaker. *laughter* But tonight, a challenge to celebrate the fallen sons on the Day of the Dead. A challenge to any three souls brave enough to come face-to-face with his monsters. The rest of the Wyatts join him. Erick Rowan says he was never allowed to dress up for Halloween. He was told it was too sinful. Luke Harper says these are not costumes; evil is very real. Wyatt says if three souls are courageous to step up…his condolences. He then holds up Kane’s mask and laughs. Braun Strowman takes off his mask and says your annihilation waits. Run.
Roman Reigns makes his way down to the ring. He says he’s only had one goal, and that’s to win the WWE World Championship. He’s been told he couldn’t and had plenty of people try to stop him. It’s been a struggle for a while, but you gotta do what you gotta do. He dusted himself off and got back in the fight. He beat Wyatt at Hell in a Cell, and now he’s back on track. Now, he’s the #1 contender for the WWE World title. There’s only one man in his way, and that’s Seth Rollins. He knows Rollins better than anyone, and no one wants Reigns to fail more than Rollins.
Kevin Owens comes out, and he says everyone’s got it. On RAW, Reigns stole one from Owens, and now he’s the #1 contender for the title. Yay! Yay! Go Roman! Reigns is talking like the victory on RAW was another chapter in his great story of climbing to the top, when all it was was a fluke. Reigns got lucky, because the truth is Owens was a split-second away from driving Reigns into the mat with a pop-up powerbomb. Had that happened, Owens would get the title match, and you can believe that. Reigns says that sounds like a bunch of excuses. The way he beat Owens was so pretty, there was no luck involved. Owens can stand all night and talk, Owens, talk, or he can man up, get in the ring and fight, Owens, fight, because he’s not going anywhere until he gets a good fight, and Owens can believe that.
MATCH 1: ROMAN REIGNS VS. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS (NON-TITLE)
They lock up and Owens applies a side headlock before the two collide in the middle. Owens misses a clothesline, and Reigns now applies a headlock. The two then collide again, neither budging. Owens applies another headlock, misses a clotehsline and gets clobbered with a shoulderblock. Owens rolls to the floor, but then rolls back into the ring when Reigns follows. Back in, Reigns blocks a kick, hits three of his own and drops Owens with a swinging neckbreaker. Commercials.
Back from the break, Reigns nails a kick to the face. He throws Owens to the corner, then follows up with a back suplex that sends Owens to the apron. Reigns pulls Owens up, and Owens hits him with a hotshot. Owens follows up with a Northern Lariat that sends Reigns to the floor. Outside, Owens throws Reigns into the barricade. Owens then hits a fall-away slam into the barricade before rolling Reigns back into the ring for 2. Owens follows up with a running senton for another 2, then nails Reigns in the back of the head with a forearm. Reigns gets back up and backs Owens to the corner for ten clotheslines. He follows up with a big boot for 2. Reigns sets up a powerbomb, but Owens reverses into a back-body drop, then hits a superkick for 2. Owens hits a running corner clothesline, then goes for the cannonball. Reigns insteads explodes out of the corner with a clothesline for 2. Reigns loads up the Superman Punch, but Owens rolls to the floor and heads up the ramp. Reigns sends him back into the ring, where Owens suckers him into a German suplex for 2. Owens goes for the German again, and the two trade reversals until Reigns gets Owens up in a fireman’s carry. He sets Owens on the top buckle, nails an uppercut and goes for a superplex. Owens tries to reverse, but Reigns lands on his feet and knocks Owens to the floor with a Superman Punch. The ref begins counting Owens out, and Owens grabs the IC title at 7, then heads through the crowd, leading to a count-out.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: ROMAN REIGNS.
Professor Steiner Says: I’m Doin’ Him an Egg!
This was a decent match, but the count-out finish immediately brought it down.
Renee Young, in a stupid costume, is with Dean Ambrose. Young asks if he’s going to accept Bray Wyatt’s challenge tonight. Ambrose says he’s the man without fear. Tonight, he’s taking down the entire Wyatt Family. Young points out the numbers aren’t in his favor, then asks if he’ll go solo. Ambrose says he hasn’t had the best luck with partners, so if he goes solo, that’s cool. He might go down, but how many of the Wyatt boys will he take down with him? After he leaves, someone in a ghost costume tries to scare Young. Turns out it’s “Boo Dallas”. Young says she wasn’t scared. Dallas says Halloween is no fun if you don’t scare people, but he’s not giving up. Tonight, on Smackdown, someone is getting scared. All you have to do is “boolieve”.
As all four teams are in the rings, Kofi Kingston and Big E come out, wearing unicorn crowns on their heads. Kofi says they were just discussing what they would say at the commentary table, when they realized something. These guys don’t believe in Halloween, which means they don’t believe in magic. The tag champs shame everyone in the ring, then join the announce desk.
Sheamus and Kalisto start. Sheamus shoves Kalisto down. Kalisto tries a few kicks, then hits a spinning headscissors. He follows up with a handspring Tidal Crush, which causes Sheamus to tag out to Barrett. Bubba begs for a tag as Barrett taunts him. Kalisto obliges, and Bubba lays in some rights. He hits an elbow out of the corner, tags in D-Von, and a bunch of crap happens before the Dragons hit the Ascension with a pair of missile dropkicks. D-Von clotheslines Viktor to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Bubba is arguing with Kofi at ringside as D-Von hits a suplex on Barrett in the ring. D-Von hits a falling headbutt for 2. Barrett sends D-Von into the ropes, and Kalisto makes a blind tag before D-Von hits a spinning back elbow. Kalisto goes up top, only to get crotched by Viktor. E and Kofi are trying way too hard to be funny on commentary, and they’re failing miserably. Barrett covers Kalisto for 2, then lays some punches in before tagging in Sheamus. Sheamus stomps Kalisto down, then hits a release suplex before laying in some forearms and a rear chinlock. Kalisto breaks free with a jawbreaker, but Sheamus recovers and nails an Irish Hammer. The Ascension enter the ring, as Viktor apparently tagged in. Viktor catapults Kalisto into Konnor, who hits a spinebuster. Viktor follows up with a fist drop for 2. He hits a European uppercut and tags in Konnor who clubs Kalisto, then tree-slams him into the buckles. Kalisto comes back with a kick before sending Konnor shoulder-first into the ring post. Viktor and Cara tag in. Cara hits an apron kick and a swanton plancha before knocking Sheamus and Barrett off the apron. He hits a springboard cross-body on Viktor, ducks a clothesline and connects with an Asai moonsault. He knocks Konnor to the floor before countering a powerbomb attempt by Viktor into a hurricanrana for 2 as the team of Sheamus and Barrett break it up. The Dudleyz come in and hit them with bodyslam before setting up a double Waassup?! for the Dragons. The Dudleyz then backdrop the Dragons onto the Ascension outside before brawling with Sheamus and Barrett. Both teams spill to the floor and begin brawling up the ramp before heading to the back. In the ring, Viktor hits a back elbow on Cara. Kalisto makes the blind tag before Viktor misses a corner splash and hits Salida Del Sol for 3.
WINNERS: THE LUCHA DRAGONS.
Professor Steiner Says: Gimme a F**kin’ Mic!
The match was too much of a mess to get a better rating. It didn’t have a good flow to it, and the Ascension were just there to fill a spot. Also, it was hard to focus on the match with E and Kofi never shutting up the entire time.
We see Dean Ambrose walking around, and he talks to someone off-camera, trying to guess their costume. The camera pans over to show Cesaro in a suit. He says this is just how he dresses, and if Ambrose gives him a few minutes, he’ll be dressed as Ambrose’s tag partner for tonight. Cesaro calls Ambrose “Mad Max”. Ambrose has no problem with Cesaro, but he needs to swing the monsters so hard their beards fly off. Cesaro says he ruins dreams like he’s Freddy Kreuger. Ambrose walks off. “Boo Dallas” tries to scare Cesaro and fails.
MATCH 3: “TRICK-OR-TREAT” STREET FIGHT: DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. THE MIZ
I hate holiday-themed street fights. Ziggler is dressed up like Nikki Sixx. Miz is dressed up like a douche, like always. Miz begins kicking pumpkins off the apron. The two lock up, and Ziggler applies a side headlock. He hits a shoulder off the ropes, gyrates, goes into a crisscross and goes for a dropkick. Miz catches him and catapults him. Ziggler catches himself on the ropes as Miz grabs a lightsaber. Ziggler grabs a kendo stick painted like candy corn. Ziggler nails Miz in the gut, then across the back before pulling the stick up into Miz’s crotch. Ziggler clotheslines Miz to the floor. Miz recovers, kicks Ziggler and tries to dunk his head into a tub full of apples. Ziggler blocks and does it to Miz instead. He grabs a pumpkin and puts it on Miz’s head. Back in the ring, Ziggler lands a superkick, shattering the pumpkin and sending Miz to the floor. Outside, Miz shoves Ziggler knees-first into the ring steps, then throws Ziggler across the announce desk. Back in the ring, Miz grabs the kendo stick and smashes it into Ziggler’s knee. He pulls Ziggler to the ring post and crotches him from the floor before wrapping his leg around the post. Miz grabs a chair and smashes it into Ziggler’s knee, against the post. Back in, Miz looks for the figure-4, which Ziggler counters into a small package for 3.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Professor Steiner Says: FAAAT A$$ES!
Pointless holiday-themed match, and Miz is a joke.
Tyler Breeze and Summer Rae come down to the ring. Breeze tries to jump Ziggler, but Ziggler sees it coming and nails him with a couple forearms. Breeze grabs the kendo stick and nails Ziggler in the knee before clubbing him with forearms and fists. Three referees pull Breeze off.
MATCH 4: PAIGE VS. NATALYA
We get an inset promo from Nattie. She says she has no proof Paige attacked her, but it doesn’t excuse Paige’s behavior. Tonight, she’ll understand why you don’t stab your friends in the back.
The bell rings and Paige drops Nattie with a kick. She stomps Nattie down, then hits a headbutt for 2. Paige kicks Nattie in the back, then throws her to the corner for some punches to the gut. Paige stomps Nattie down, then goes for an Irish whip. Nattie reverses, eats a kick, then nails a discus clothesline. She sends Paige to the floor with a German suplex, and that’s when Team BAD come out. Sasha Banks and Naomi mock Nattie before Banks says Nattie is always seeking attention, so she has their attention now. Paige re-enters the ring, boots Nattie and drops her with the Ram-Paige.
Professor Steiner Says: FAAAT A$$ES!!
These two are better than a piss break. Hell, I don’t think that was even long enough for a piss break. What a joke.
Team BAD enter the ring. Nattie shoves Naomi off, but then turns around into a Tamina superkick. The three take turns beating up on Nattie before Banks locks her in the Banks Statement.
We see Dean Ambrose getting ready for his match. The camera pans over, and Ryback is there. He heard Ambrose is looking for a partner. “The Big Guy” has a history with the Wyatts, and revenge is a dish best served cold. Ambrose says the Wyatts are savages and feed on fear. Ryback says he steps on necks, then spits out his catchphrase. Ambrose says he’ll do.
Alberto Del Rio is back, much to my chagrin. I can’t stand this sloppy douche. He’s joined by Zeb Colter, which makes absolutely no sense. Colter says what you are seeing is real, and hell has not frozen over. You are seeing a real American sharing the stage with a great Mexican. He calls ADR virtuous and proud, traits this crowd could use. He’s proud to be sharing the stage with this great man, and the first champion of their new nation, “Mexamerica”. The title you see around ADR’s waist in the US title. That’s a divisive name, as it should represent both the US and Mexico. So, tonight, they have decided the name of this title should be the Mexamerica title. ADR says something in Spanish, then says they’ll make Mexamerica great. This is now the Mexamerica Championship.
MATCH 5: WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO (W/ZEB COLTER) VS. R-TRUTH (NON-TITLE)
ADR attacks Truth in the corner before Truth comes back with a jumping side kick. He hits a couple clotheslines and a sit-out gourdbuster for 2. ADR hits a double-knee armbreaker and a clothesline. He drops a knee, then heads up top. Truth meets him with a punch and goes for a superplex. ADR knocks him back down and hits a double-stomp from the top for 3.
Professor Steiner Says: FAAAT A$$ES!!
A wrestler I hate against a wrestler I don’t care about in a pointless squash.
Mark Henry is in the back, talking on his cellphone. We see “Boo Dallas” hide in an equipment box. As Henry comes around the corner, Dallas pops out, and Henry is startled for a second before he nails Dallas, picks up his phone and walks away.
MATCH 6: DEAN AMBROSE, CESARO AND RYBACK VS. LUKE HARPER, ERICK ROWAN AND BRAUN STROWMAN (W/BRAY WYATT)
Harper and Ryback start with a lock-up. Ryback applies a side headlock before hitting a shoulder. Harper comes back with a kick, then runs into a slam. He escapes, but then gets shoved onto his back. Harper blocks an Irish whip and tags in Strowman, who is still wearing his mask. He takes it off, and Ryback immediately punches him. Ryback tries a shoulder, then goes for a suplex. Strowman blocks and rams him into the buckles before hitting a suplex of his own. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rowan is now in, and he’s standing on Ryback’s face. He hits a bodyslam and tags in Harper, who hits a tope con hilo for 2. Harper hits a chop in the corner before connecting with some shoulder thrusts. Rowan back in, and he hits a snapmare before applying a rear chinlock. Ryback escapes with punches before running into a back elbow for 2. Rowan drives his fists into Ryback’s temples, only for Ryback to turn and breaks free with punches. Rowan knees him, then knocks Cesaro off the apron before turning around into a spinebuster. Ambrose tags in and hits a cross-body into some punches. He follows up with a corner forearm and a running bulldog before booting Harper off the apron. Ambrose hits a slingshot plancha onto Harper, gets back in and low-bridges Rowan to the floor. Ambrose heads up top and takes them out with a flying elbow. Back in the ring, Ambrose heads up once more, but Harper grabs his foot. Ambrose kicks him away and dives over Rowan, who connects with a spin kick for 2. Strowman tags in and throws Ambrose to the corner, where he misses a shoulder. Harper tags himself in as Cesaro tags in as well. He nails Harper, then boots Rowan off the apron. Cesaro goes for the series of Europeans. He only gets 2 before Harper reverses a corner whip. Harper charges in, but Cesaro catches him and hoists him up to the top rope, where he sends him to the floor with a dropkick. Cesaro hits a sit-down splash from the apron, then nails a running European. Back in, Cesaro boots Harper through the ropes and goes up for a dive. Harper sees him coming and charges in, but Cesaro avoids him by dropping back down. Cesaro then powers Harper up into a modified fireman’s carry slam for 2, then locks in the crossface. Harper tries to turn it into a pin, but Cesaro rolls through and keeps the hold locked. He breaks it when he sees Strowman try to interfere. Strowman grabs him at ringside, only to have Ambrose hit him with a suicide dive. Ryback then Meat Hooks him over the announce desk. Back in the ring, Cesaro hits a top rope cross-body on Harper for 2, then goes back to the crossface, only to have Rowan break it with an elbow drop. Ambrose comes in, gets hit, then nails a rebound clothesline. Harper then drops him with a superkick. He misses a clothesline on Cesaro, who then hits a spinning springboard European uppercut. Cesaro calls for the Cesaro Swing. He hits a spinebuster and sets it up, but that’s when Strowman explodes from under the announce desk. He jumps on the apron and distracts the ref as Harper kicks Cesaro into a punch from Wyatt. Harper hits the discus clothesline and gets 3.
WINNERS: LUKE HARPER, ERICK ROWAN AND BRAUN STROWMAN.
Professor Steiner Says: I’m Doin’ Him an Egg!
It was fine for what it was, thanks to Harper, Ambrose and Cesaro. Strowman and Rowan absolutely suck, though.
END OF SHOW.
Professor Steiner’s Overall Rating: Gimme a F**kin Mic!
This was a pointless holiday-themed show, so nothing of any importance happened. Instead, we got a bunch of throwaway matches and talking segments that were less than useless. And now, onto the weekly awards.
HE GOT A BATHICLE! (Move/Moment of the Night): Umm…Ziggler shattering a pumpkin with a superkick, I guess. There really wasn’t much to go on here.
I Need to Get My Sh*t In! (Botch/Worst Moment of the Night): Every Bo Dallas segment. If he wasn’t Mike Rotunda’s son, I can’t imagine he’d have a job right now.