As the show recaps the events from RAW, I would like to take this time to introduce a new feature I’m going to test out with the column, my own ratings system called “Prof. Steiner Says”. Each match will be rated by a well known Steiner quote, and they break down as follows:
Excellent = 141 2/3 Chance of Winnin’
Good = Highly Educated Univeristy
Fair = Old, Butt-Sucking Bastard
Poor = Gimme a F**kin’ Mic!
DUD = FAAAT ASSES!!
And now, onto the show.
This week emanates from Albany, NY, and Seth Rollins is once again kicking off the show. He immediately cuts the music off and says Kane may have fooled the idiots in HR, but he does not fool Rollins. Rollins enters the ring and says the act of Corporate Kane is a cover-up for “The Demon”. He wants that piece of crap out here right now to admit the truth in front of the whole world. No response from Kane after a few seconds, Rollins says that’s exactly what he thought would happen.
Moments later, Kane comes out on crutches and in a leg brace. He apologizes for his tardiness, then says he was happy to return to his job as DOO. He even tolerated Rollins being a paranoid, inconsiderate, spoiled brat with a smile on his face. But Rollins wiped that smile off his face when he re-injured Kane’s leg on RAW. Any hopes he had about his job were shattered when Rollins stomped his leg in a chair. Rollins accuses of Kane of starting this, going back to Night of Champions. Then, Kane tried to drag Rollins to hell. Oh, wait. That was “The Demon”, and not the same person. Everyone saw Kane go into the ambulance on RAW, only to have “The Demon” come out. Kane is “The Demon”. If Kane wants to pass off all of this as real, it comes down to two things: 1-he thinks Rollins is stupid, but everyone knows that’s not true. 2-Kane has a severe personality disorder and requires serious psychiatric care. Kane agrees about the care, but for Rollins. Rollins has a delusion that Kane transforms. He’s no demon; he’s the DOO. Rollins tells him to stop this. Rollins asks if the demon terrorizing everyone is a figure of everyone’s imaginations. Kane says Rollins has a very vivid imagination and says he should be a screenwriter. Or, maybe he’s trying to come up with an excuse to get out of his match with John Cena in a cage at MSG on Saturday. Rollins says he’s not making any of this up. Kane says he’s aware of “The Demon” and what he can do. Rollins considers that admission of guilt, but Kane says he admits there’s a demon tormenting Rollins, but that demon is not Corporate Kane. However, this demon has turned Rollins into a “negative Nancy”, so to clear those clouds, he’s going to team Rollins with the most positive team in the company tonight, the New Day. Rollins doesn’t care about that, and wants to know about “The Demon”. Kane then says Rollins and the New Day will face the Dudley Boyz…and…and the object of Rollins’ recent torment, “The Demon”. I am getting really sick of writing that. Anyway, Kane says, as the DOO, he can confirm Demon Kane is here tonight. Rollins says he refuses to agree to the match…unless Corporate Kane is seated at ringside to watch it. Kane says he wouldn’t miss it and wishes Rollins good luck.
Later tonight, Ryback will face Kevin Owens for the IC title.
MATCH 1: TEAM BELLA (BRIE, NIKKI AND ALICIA FOX) VS. TEAM BAD (SASHA BANKS, NAOMI AND TAMINA)
Team BAD come out, and Naomi tries to cut a promo about the divas revolution. Banks says no one cares who started it, but Team BAD will end it.
Banks and Brie start by shoving each other. Brie slaps Banks. Banks tackles Brie before slapping her. She throws Brie to the corner. Brie puts on the brakes and throws Banks into it. Brie blocks a kick and snaps Banks onto her face before co-opting her husband’s kicks. Brie misses a roundhouse and gets schoolgirled for 2. Naomi tags in and cannonballs onto Brie’s chest for 1. Brie escapes a bodyslam and kicks Naomi in the ass. Fox tags in, the two miss a pair of double clotheslines as Tamina makes a tag, and she comes in with a double clothesline of her own. She goes for the Samoan drop on Fox, but Fox escapes and tags to Nikki. They lock up, and Nikki applies a side headlock before getting shouldered off the ropes. Nikki no-sells, then does it again before hitting a forearm and flexing her non-existent biceps. Tamina misses a clothesline, then connects with a shoulder. She hits a Samoan drop, then goes up for the splash. Brie and Fox drag Nikki to the floor before that can happen, and then all three members of Team C*m Dumpster Fire receive a pair of baseball slides from Banks and Naomi. Commercials.
Back from the break, Naomi has Nikki in a rear chinlock. She puts on the brakes off an Irish whip, avoiding the Rear View in the process. Nikki sends Naomi to the apron and misses a forearm as Naomi shoulders her in the gut. She kicks the rest of the Fire away, but then gets hit with a forearm off the distraction. Nikki “stomps” Naomi down, then distracts the referee as Brie and Fox snap Naomi onto her face on the floor. Outside, Nikki rolls Naomi back in for 2, then tags in Fox. Fox comes off the middle with a double axe handle to the arm, then goes for a modified surfboard. Naomi fights her way out, avoids a tilt-a-whirl, then the two collide off simultaneous clotheslines. Nikki tags in and knocks Tamina off the apron. Banks avoids contact, then gets back on the apron to make the tag. She pelts Nikki with punches, knocks Brie off the apron, then hits a couple of forearms and a double knee in the corner. Nikki comes back with a boot for 2, then gets whipped to the corner. Banks eats a back elbow, blocks a boot, then hits a suspended double knee for 2 as Fox breaks up the pin. Naomi comes in, and Fox forearms her. Tamina drops Fox with a big boot. Brie throws Tamina to the floor. Banks does the same to Brie. Banks turns around into a forearm from Nikki. Nikki goes for the Rack Attack, but drops Banks when she intercepts a superkick from Tamina. Tamina gets shoved to the floor, and off the distraction, Banks locks in the Banks Statement. Brie tries to break it up, but gets pulled back by Tamina. Nikki taps as Tamina wipes Brie out with a superkick.
WINNERS: TEAM BAD.
Professor Steiner Says: Gimme a F**kin’ Mic!
Far too many kicks and forearms with little other offense throughout. Also, it involved the Bellas and Naomi, so a low rating is kind of a given. They get above the bottom rank due to match length and the fact that Banks got the fall.
We see Seth Rollins marching around backstage. He’s joined by the New Day, who are trying to get him to clap. Rollins says clapping won’t solve anything. They continue to try to get him to clap, telling him all the good things clapping does. Xavier Woods goes off about tables some more. Kofi Kingston starts talking about Cross-Fit. Big E tries to get Rollins to do an “I’m the man” chant. He eventually acquiesces, and they all march off. The camera pans over, and we see Corporate Kane smiling.
Jojo is with Becky Lynch and Charlotte. Before the interview, we go back to RAW, when Paige walked out on her tag team match, which then turned into a confrontation with Natalya and a loss for PCB. Back to Jojo, she says the situation with Paige is getting worse each week. Can PCB get back in-sync? Charlotte says Paige’s behavior came out of nowhere. Lynch says Paige needs to decide what she needs to do. The camera pans over, and Paige is now with them. She wants to know what Lynch thinks she needs to do, because she’s all ears. The three start arguing, and Charlotte says simply that Paige is either with them or against them. The two leave, and Paige turns around into Nattie. Nattie tells Paige if she ever pulls a stunt like she did on RAW again, Paige will be sorry she ever met Nattie.
MATCH 2-INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: RYBACK VS. KEVIN OWENS (CHAMPION)
As Owens comes out, I notice for the first time that, even though Owens has been on the main roster for several months, he still has an incredibly generic entrance video that is pretty much one clip on a loop, spliced in with some graphics of his name. That’s some TNA-level sh*t right there. Owens immediately heads to the floor, only for Ryback to charge after him. Ryback hits a few punches before getting Owens back in the ring, where Owens starts in with the stomps. He clubs Ryback down with forearms, but then runs right into a big bodyslam. Ryback goes for a press, but Owens escapes and goes for a suplex. Ryback blocks it and hits a delayed vertical. Ryback lands some shoulders in the corner before the referee pulls him away. Owens rolls to the apron, where he hits a hotshot. Back in the ring, Owens lands a running clothesline, then screams in Ryback’s face before getting hit with a Thesz press. Ryback rams Owen’s head into the mat repeatedly, then sends him into the corner, where Ryback misses a shoulder thrust. Owens capitalizes with a DDT for 2 as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Owens is stomping Ryback near the ropes. Ryback comes back with some fists, but Owens catches him with a well-placed back elbow. Owens connects with a short-arm clothesline, and a running senton gets 2. Owens grinds Ryback down with a chinlock, but Ryback punches his way out. Ryback goes for a neckbreaker, but Owens breaks free, boots Ryback in the gut and hits a neckbreaker of his own for 2. Owens knees Ryback in the back of the neck, then nails a straight right. He goes back to the chinlock, but Ryback gets out once more. The two trade a couple punches before Ryback is sent to the corner. Owens mocks his chant, but then runs into a spinning belly-to-belly suplex. Owens catches Ryback with a back elbow, but Ryback shakes it off and hits a couple forearms before connecting with a flying tackle. An over-the-shoulder powerslam gets 2. Owens tries some weak chops from his knees, then slaps Ryback across the face. Ryback loses it and clubs Owens down before the referee pulls him off. Ryback charges in and eats a superkick for 2. Owens argues with the referee about the count, then says it’s over. He looks for the pop-up powerbomb, but Ryback puts on the brakes, hits a back elbow, then catches Owens with a spinebuster. Ryback signals for the Meat Hook, which connects. Owens goes up for Shell Shocked, but he escapes by grabbing the top rope and rolling to the floor. He pulls Ryback to the outside, misses a clothesline, then the two collide off simultaneous clotheslines. The referee begins the count, and Ryback gets back in before the count. Owens almost climbs back in, but then changes his mind, taking the count-out loss.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: RYBACK; STILL CHAMPION: KEVIN OWENS.
After the match, Owens is celebrating at ringside. Ryback tries to grab him by the hair, but Owens pulls him to the floor instead. Owens looks for a powerbomb, but Ryback breaks free and nails Owens with rights before rolling him into the ring. Owens assaults him, then sends him into the ropes for the pop-up, only to get blasted with another Meat Hook. Ryback then plants him with Shell Shocked.
Professor Steiner Says: Butt-Sucking Bastard!
Not a bad match, but the count-out ending brings it down. I’m guessing a rematch will happen at the next “PPV”.
MATCH 3: THE LUCHA DRAGONS (KALISTO & SIN CARA) AND NEVILLE VS. THE ASCENSION (KONNOR & VIKTOR) AND STARDUST
We get an inset promo from the Ascension and Stardust. Viktor and Cara start with a couple of reversals until Viktor hits a waistlock takedown. Cara fights to his feet, breaks free with some elbows, then gets clubbed across the back of the head. Viktor goes for a slingshot powerbomb, which Cara reverses into a hurricanrana. Cara comes off the ropes with a fancy flip into a pin for 2. Viktor muscles him to the corner and tags in Stardust, who clubs Cara down before Cara hits a springboard armdrag. Neville tags in, and the faces hit a double hiptoss, followed by Neville hiptossing Cara onto Stardust and a standing SSP for 2. Neville kicks away an incoming Viktor, then runs right into a Stardust boot. Stardust tries to crotch him around the ring post, but the Dragons put a stop to that as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Neville ducks a clothesline from Viktor, hits a spinning back kick, then another. He sets Viktor up for a super hurricanrana, which Viktor turns into a super Michonoku Driver #2 for 2 as the Dragons break up the pin. Stardust tags back in, and is now missing a glove for some reason. He receives a headbutt to the gut from Neville, followed by a jawbreaker. Stardust misses an elbow, then charges at Neville, only for Neville to leapfrog him and send him to the floor. Stardust is back in as Kalisto tags in. He hits a springboard plancha and a springboard corkscrew plancha before attacking the Ascension on the apron. He hits the Kalisto Kick on Stardust, but then gets caught in the Queen’s Crossbow. He manages to knee Stardust in the head, who then powers Kalisto onto his shoulder. Kalisto counters with a tornado DDT for 2 as Viktor breaks it up. Neville comes in and gets sent to the apron. Cara then dropkicks Viktor from behind, sending him to the floor. Cara then dives through Neville’s legs for a suicide dive before Stardust connects with the Disaster Kick on Neville. Kalisto comes back in and goes for a hurricanrana as Konnor makes a blind tag. Stardust tosses Kalisto off, then gets sent to the floor, where he eats a superkick from Neville. In the ring, Konnor powers Kalisto up in a double chicken wing and throws him face-first into the buckles. Konnor charges for an avalanche, misses and gets hit with the Salida del Sol for 3.
WINNERS: THE LUCHA DRAGONS AND NEVILLE.
Professor Steiner Says: Butt-Sucking Bastard!
While it was a fun match with some good spots, I am sick to death of this feud between Neville and Stardust (and six-man matches on a whole, really). Also, Konnor was absolutely a non-factor the entire match, save for the closing moments.
The Wyatt Family come down to the ring. Bray Wyatt says he accepted Roman Reigns’ challenge and he went to war with Reigns one-on-one. He sacrificed his body to prove to the world that Reigns is nothing more than a mortal man. Wyatt is forever. The process has opened his eyes. On RAW, when he did battle with Reigns, they created chaos together. He came to the realization the world is a giant circle that begins and ends with him and Reigns. That’s why he has to say anyone but you, Roman. Anyone but you.
Reigns’ music hits, and he comes down through the crowd by himself. He stands at ringside and stares the Wyatts down before getting on the apron. Wyatt sends Braun Strowman and Luke Harper to the ropes on either side of him and allow him to enter the ring. He has a staredown with Wyatt, and Wyatt nods before starting to talk. Reigns snatches the mic out of his hand before he can say anything and continues to stare. Reigns simply says, “Hell in a Cell”, then drops the mic. Wyatt gets in his face, smiles, then says something (I don’t read lips. Sorry.). Reigns then backs off and leaves the ring. Reigns stares Wyatt down from the top of the ramp as Wyatt eggs him on.
Corporate Kane is at ringside as the participants of the main event come out.
Everyone waits for “Kane” to come out, but no one is showing up. Corporate Kane tells the timekeeper to just ring the bell, turning this into a 3-on-2 handicap match. Kofi and D-Von lock up, with D-Von muscling Kofi to the mat. E tags in and attacks D-Von off a distraction by Kofi. D-Von fights his way out of the corner before we get a standoff from both sides. Commercials.
Back from the break, Kofi hits D-Von with a running kick before stomping him down. E tags in, and we get the stomping spot, Rollins included. E then sends both Kofi and Rollins in for low corner dropkicks. Rollins hits a neckbreaker on D-Von for 2, then tosses him to the floor. Kane stands up and over D-Von before Rollins accidentally-on-purpose hits Kane with a suicide dive. A trainer checks on Kane and helps him to the back as Rollins protests. Rollins tags in E before heading up the ramp. He screams at Kane to get back in his chair. Kane looks over his shoulder and laughs at Rollins. Rollins stares, looking scared. Meanwhile, in the ring, D-Von hits E with a back suplex. Rollins heads back to the ring as Bubba and Kofi tag in. Bubba gets in some shots, then tosses an incoming E to the floor. He avoids a springboard by Kofi and smashes him in the corner before whipping Rollins into the ring. Rollins then gets clotheslined to the floor before E hits Bubba with a vertical splash. D-Von takes him out, then knocks Woods off the apron before low-bridging E. D-Von takes them both out with a plancha from the apron. Back in the ring, Bubba crawls towards Kofi as Demon Kane comes down to the ring. He grabs Rollins and throws him into the barricade near the timekeeper’s area. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Rollins escapes and heads out through the crowd. Back in the ring, Kofi gets wiped out with a 3-D for 3.
WINNERS: THE DUDLEY BOYZ AND KANE.
Kane enters the ring and grabs the WWE World title belt, which Rollins left behind. Bubba then raises Kane’s arm in victory, only to receive a chokeslam. D-Von gets the same. Kane goozles both Kofi and E, boots Woods, then hits a double chokeslam. Woods is then laid out with a Tombstone. Rollins appears on the stage, shaking his head at what he’s seeing.
Professor Steiner Says: FAAAT ASSES!!
Total waste of a match, used for nothing other than to further this crap with Kane and Rollins that no one cares about.
END OF SHOW.