WWE Friday Night SmackDown opens with footage of Dean Ambrose losing the US title in the battle royal Monday night, which led to an attack by Evolution later in the show.
Sheamus, the new WWE United States Champion, makes his way down to the ring. Given that Sheamus and Barrett are the two undercard champions, I’m wondering if WWE is leading to a title-unification match on their upcoming UK tour? Anyway, that’s another thought for another day. We’re going into a match.
MATCH 1-WWE United States Championship: Sheamus (Champion) vs. Dean Ambrose
Ambrose goes for the leg, eventually taking Sheamus down. He applies a modified Regal Stretch, but then breaks it with a rake of the face. Sheamus comes back with a hip throw for 1, then goes into a side headlock. Sheamus hits a shoulder off the ropes, blocks a hiptoss and hits a clothesline for 1. He begins to work on Ambrose’s left arm in the corner, takes Ambrose down and drops a knee on the arm before applying an armbar. He turns that into a top wristlock, but Ambrose breaks free with rights. They trade punches until Ambrose tackles Sheamus off the ropes, with both men spilling to the floor. Outside, Sheamus slams Ambrose face-first into the announce desk. Ambrose comes back with a snap suplex on the floor. He breaks the count, and that’s when Sheamus comes back with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. Commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus.
Later tonight, Roman Reigns will face Mark Henry and Seth Rollins will face Batista. The main event will be John Cena and the Usos vs. The Wyatt Family.
Paul Heyman is on commentary for the next match, flanked by Cesaro.
MATCH 2: Big E and Rob Van Dam vs. Cesaro and Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett
Cesaro and Barrett? Now this could be a hell of a team. As Barrett comes out he says he’s sure the fans are enjoying the new climate in WWE with him as IC Champion. However, he’s afraid he’s got some bad news, because climate change isn’t just sweeping through WWE; it’s sweeping through the entire nation. Thanks to your apathy, natural disasters are sweeping through the country and, just like Big E, you will all be forgotten pieces of history.
Barrett and RVD start, and Barrett lands a boot to the gut before trying to throw RVD to the corner. RVD blocks, hits a high kick and a springboard thrust kick. Barrett rolls to the floor as RVD goes after Cesaro and, outside, Cesaro ducks a shot before RVD gets nailed with a Barrett clothesline. Back in the ring, Barrett gets a 2-count, and now has RVD in a rear chinlock. RVD fights out, but then gets pulled down by his hair. Barrett mocks RVD, and RVD pops up with a spinning dropkick. Cesaro and E tag in. E hits a couple clotheslines, ducks one and lands a belly-to-belly. The Warrior Splash connects for 2. Cesaro reverses a corner whip, but then runs into a standing uranage for 2 as Barrett breaks it up. RVD takes Barrett out, then goes for a step-over spinning heel kick on Cesaro. Cesaro ducks and RVD nails E with it. Barrett drags RVD outside and throws him into the barricade as Cesaro hits the Neutralizer on E for the 3.
WINNERS: Bad News Barrett and Cesaro.
MATCH 3: Kofi Kingston vs. ARusev (w/Lana)
Lana does her usual pre-match xenophobic crap, talking about how great Russia and Vladimir Putin are. I hate “evil invading foreigner” gimmicks, especially when the man behind said gimmick is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Much like Cesaro, Rusev appears to have dropped the first name from his gimmick. As a friend of mine pointed out, does anyone else find it odd Rusev is doing nothing but squashing all of the African-American wrestlers on the roster right now? Kofi hits a couple kicks as the match starts, then flips himself to the floor off a shove. He hits a hotshot, gets back in the ring and immediately gets knocked down by a jumping side kick. Rusev lands a couple of shots, blocks a kick in the corner, and gets hit with a Pendulum. Kofi misses a top rope dive, lands on his feet and hits a dropkick. He goes for corner mounted punches, and Rusev walks him to the middle for a powerbomb. Kofi counters into a sunset flip. Rusev pulls him up by the neck, and Kofi turns the move into a dropkick in mid-air. He hits a cross-body off the top for a 0-count, then runs right into a swinging side slam. Rusev stomps on Kofi’s back and locks in the Accolade for the submission win.
WINNER: Alexander Rusev.
We see the Wyatt Family in their usual darkened area. Bray Wyatt holds up a long matchstick, says there is such beauty in a flame, then blows it out. The flame holds no prejudice. Anything can burn; you just have to find the right spark. Mountains must crumble, oceans must boil, and things that burn must turn to ash. Judgment tells him to survive, adapt, and it’s John Cena’s judgment that tells him it’s right to fear Wyatt. It’s not the judgment that sets him apart; it’s the distance, and where they’re going, no one ever comes back. Luke Harper simply says, “Burn.”
Another Bo Dallas “Bolieve” video. He will debut next week.
MATCH 4: Fandango and Layla vs. Emma and Santino Marella
I am so sick of this feud. I’m not recapping this match. It’s just not worth it. Layla pins Emma off a distraction by Fandango.
WINNERS: Fandango and Layla, who make out post-match.
MATCH 5: Roman Reigns vs. Mark Henry
Considering Henry is pretty much the “World’s Strongest Jobber” at this point, I’d say this is the one match that the Shield wins tonight. We get a cut-away promo from Henry, talking about how the Shield has assaulted him in the past, then says he will welcome Reigns into the Hall of Pain. They lock up, and Henry backs Reigns to the corner before giving a clean break. They lock up again, and Henry throws Reigns to the corner this time. Reigns gets in Henry’s face, nailing him with rights. Henry fights back, hitting a kneelift before clubbing Reigns across the back. Reigns collapses in the corner off a whip, then gets kicked in the gut. Henry throws him to the outside, holding his ribs as he gets up. Henry heads out, rolls Reigns onto the apron and begins pulling him gut-first into the ring post. Back in the ring, Reigns ducks a clothesline and nails a jumping clothesline of his own. He pulls himself up in the corner and hits a corner clothesline. He goes for a second one, but Henry drops him with a clothesline. He pulls Reigns towards the corner for a Vader Bomb. Reigns gets to his feet and clubs Henry over the back before picking him up in a fireman’s carry, into a Samoan drop. He pulls himself up in the corner once more and cuts through Henry with a spear for 3.
WINNER: Roman Reigns.
MATCH 6: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) and El Torito vs. Hornswoggle, Drew McIntyre and Heath Slater (w/Jinder Mahal)
Drew and I think Diego start the match. Diego ducks a shot in the corner, then nails a chop. Drew comes back with a kick to the chest for 1, then nails some mounted punches and a stomp. Slater tags in and nails a kick to the gut, followed by an elbow drop. Drew back in, and he hits a running kick before he & Slater drop Hornswoggle onto Diego. Guess I missed that tag. Drew tags back in and clubs Diego near the corner. Diego snaps off a quick hurricanranra before Slater tags in. Slater knocks Fernando down on the apron, then turns around into a flapjack. Fernando and Drew tag in and they hit simultaneous cross-bodies on each other. Torito and Hornswoggle are begging for tags, eventually getting them. Torito “bites” Hornswoggle on the ass, then laughs. Hornswoggle nails him with a right, then gets kicked in the head. Torito gores him, knocking him to the floor. Hornswoggle throws a fit and climbs back in the ring as Slater is laughing at him. Torito hits a gut shot and goes for a sunset flip. Hornswoggle blocks it, then misses a sit-down splash. Torito hits a splash off the ropes for 2, but Slater breaks it up and throws him to the side. He throws Hornswoggle to the corner for a tag, then charges in. Torito trips him into the buckles, then hits an Asai moonsault for 3.
WINNER: Lost Matadores and El Torito. If you ever thought Slater would ever go beyond being a comedy performer, I think him jobbing to a mini just squelched any of those ideas.
We get a recap Bryan/Kane this past Monday on RAW. Does anyone else think Kane is about to call it a career, hence this recent unnecessary, unwanted push in the main event?
MATCH 7: Batista vs. Seth Rollins
Batista looks like hell tonight, and to make matters worse, he does this weird motion to the crowd like he’s fat. I’m sure he was mocking someone in the audience, but it didn’t look right, especially since he himself looks bloated. The bell rings, and Batista shoulders Rollins to the corner. Rollins comes back with chops, then knocks Batista into the corner with a dropkick. He misses a corner splash, and Batista drops him with a clothesline from the rear. Rollins counters a back-body drop attempt with a kick, then knocks Batista to the floor with another one. He goes for a suicide dive, but Batista moves. He goes for a basball slide, so Batista pulls out the ring skirt, traps Rollins between the skirt and the apron, then nails him with forearms to the back before kicking him in the chest. He rolls Rollins onto the apron and hits an elbow across the neck. Back in the ring, Rollins tries to fight back, but Batista shakes it off and hits a neckbreaker. Batista snaps Rollins back-first off the ropes. He tosses Rollins to the floor, then whips him into the steps before rolling him back into the ring for 2. Batista applies a rear chinlock (he is teaming with Orton again, after all). Rollins tries to fight out, so Batista snaps him to the mat by the hair before applying a neck vice. Rollins once again tries to fight him off, so Batista sends him face-first into the middle buckles. Batista foot-chokes him on the bottom rope, then sends him across the ring with a corner whip, causing Rollins to slump to the ground. Batist hits a suplex for 2, and it looked like he hit his own head on the way down. He tries to snap Rollins to his back in the corner, but Rollins lands on his feet and sends Batista shoulder-first into the ring post. He pulls himself up on the opposite side, nails a pair of corner forearms, then begins stomping Batista down. Batista misses a clothesline, and Rollins hits him with a Sling Blade. He lands a mule kick and goes for an Asai DDT. Batista maintains his balance and shoves Rollins to the outside. Rollins lands on the apron and nails a kick to the face. He misses a springboard splash, rolls through and runs right into a spinebuster. Batista signals for the Batista Bomb. Rollins fights Batista off and nails him with a Ghetto Blaster, sending Batista to the floor by the announce desk. Rollins heads up top and goes for a plancha, but Batista sidesteps him and sends him face-first into the desk. Batista rolls back into the ring at 9, and Rollins is left to be counted-out.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: Batista.
MATCH 8: The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Bray Wyatt) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions the Usos (Jey & Jimmy) and John Cena
Cena and Rowan start the match, with Cena immediately going on the attack, backing Rowan into the corner for a splash. He hits a suplex, and Rowan tags out to Harper. Wyatt whispers something to Harper, and Harper smiles at Cena before missing a clothesline. Cena hits some rights, a running facebuster out of the corner and a big boot. Jey tags in and nails a couple of uppercuts before backing Harper to the corner. Jimmy tags in and nails Harper. He hits a boot out of the corner and a running schoolboy for 1. Harper pops up with a palm thrust to the face and tags in Rowan. Rowan nails a body blow, then sends Jimmy in for a corner whip. Jimmy avoids the impact and hits an uppercut. Jey tags in and nails a right to the face. Rowan recovers and throws Jey to the corner before hitting a running forearm off the ropes. Harper tags in and foot-chokes Jey on the apron. In the ring, he he hits a European uppercut, followed by a standard version. He catapults Jey into the second rope, then covers him for 2. Wyatt makes his first tag into the match and nails Jey in the face before hitting a quick elbow off the ropes. He pounds Jey’s face in, then nails another right. Jey comes back with one of his own, so Wyatt knocks him to the corner with another one. Wyatt connects with an avalanche, then drops back into a crab walk. Jey freaks out, and Wyatt uses that to nail a couple of rights and a kneelift. Jey hits a European uppercut by the ropes, then low-bridges an incoming Wyatt to the floor. Rowan rolls Wyatt back into the ring, allowing him to tag in Harper, who prevents Jey from tagging out with an elbow to the back. He applies the Gator Roll and turns it into a side headlock. Jey fights out and goes for a bodyslam, but Harper weighs too much, causing him to fall on top of Jey for 2. Jey is back up, and Harper puts him right back down with a big boot. Rowan tags in and rams Jey head-first into the top buckle, hurting himself in the process. He recovers and hits a bodyslam before missing a big splash off the ropes. Wyatt tags in, as does Jimmy. Jimmy hits a couple of clotheslines, a mule kick, an uppercut and a jumping side kick. He lands a big splash in the corner and follows with a running hip bump for 2. Jimmy ducks a clothesline, and Cena nails a right from the apron. Jimmy hits a mule kick on Wyatt, and Harper tags himself in. JImmy nails Rowan with another kick, then gives a superkick to Harper for 2. Outside, Cena and Wyatt are brawling, with Rowan joining in. Jimmy takes all three out with a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Harper nails Jimmy with a discus clothesline and gets the 3.
WINNERS: The Wyatt Family.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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