This week’s WWE Friday Night SmackDown (still in London) opens up with Jimmy Hart in the ring, who then introduces Hulk Hogan. Yay. My most favorite person ever. Basically, the entire promo boils down to him being happy to be here, the crowd is hot, watch Legends House, yada yada yada. Tonight isn’t about the past; it’s about the future, and the future looks bright. The WWE keeps getting bigger, and the UK are getting the WWE Network. Thankfully, Hogan keeps it short. Still doesn’t excuse the fact that he thinks it’s been 1984 for the past 30 years.
Later tonight, the Usos take on Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. John Cena and Bray Wyatt will be in their respective corners. Also, Dolph Ziggler faces Batista in a No Disqualification rematch from last week.
MATCH 1-No Disqualification Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. Batista
Batista immediately rams Ziggler into the corner. Ziggler fights back with rights and a dropkick before going for a quick pin for a 0-count. Ziggler continues the attack, stomping Batista down near the ropes. Back up, Batista catches Ziggler with a spinebuster off the ropes for 2, then heads outside for a chair. Ziggler grabs the chair as Batista tries to climb back in. Batista grabs him by the ankle, pulls him outside and slams him face-first into the announce desk. Batista then hits a spinebuster into the ring apron before dropping Ziggler chest-first across the barricade. He goes for a spear, but Ziggler side-steps him, sending him shoulder-first into the barricade. Ziggler is back up, and he clotheslines Batista into the timekeeper’s area, taking himself over as well. Commercials.
Back from the break, both men are still outside. Batista is back in control, and he slams Ziggler face-first into the announce desk once more. Ziggler gets Irish-whipped into the barricade, and now Batista goes for another slam into the desk. Ziggler blocks it and slams Batista twice before nailing a right. He dives at Batista, but Batista catches him and goes for a lawn dart into the ring post. Ziggler escapes and shoves Batista into it. Batista puts on the breaks and rebounds with a clothesline. Commercials.
Good opening match. It’s nice seeing Ziggler getting to put in good performances again. I just hope that stair spot doesn’t lead to him bumping like Curt Hennig again, though. Anyway, Batista decides he’s not done and hits Ziggler with a Batista Bomb.
We get another Bo Dallas video. He makes his debut later tonight.
MATCH 2: Nikki Bella and Eva Marie vs. The Funkadactyls (Cameron and Naomi); Special Referee: Summer Rae
Oh, great. Summer Rae being completely and utterly worthless in a brand-new position, still looking like the ass-end of a dolphin the process. Nikki and Naomi start the match. Nikki hits a fireman’s carry into an armbar. Naomi kips up and applies an arm wringer before getting sent to the corner. She puts on the breaks, twerks Nikki in the face and kicks her away. She goes for a full-nelson bomb, but Nikki breaks free and hits a facebreaker. She goes for a pin, but Rae refuses to count. Naomi tags in Cameron, and the Funkadactyls hit a double suplex, followed by a double suicide. Cameron hits the worst lung blower in the history of wrestling, then runs into a back elbow. Nikki hits a Dropsh*t and tags in Marie. They hit a pair of kicks to the backs of Cameron’s legs and Marie goes for a pin. Rae refuses to count once again. Cameron rolls Marie up and Rae gives her a fast 3.
WINNERS: The Funkadactyls.
God, Summer Rae is disgusting. Everything about her is just plain gross.
This feed is hilarious. A whole bunch of audio cues that the home-viewing audience aren’t supposed to hear keep popping up. Michael Cole just got reamed by Kevin Dunn for using the term “making out”.
Bo Dallas comes out for his match. He has some super-cheesy entrance theme, and of course he’s Tebowing. Before we get to the action, he introduces himself and says he’s living proof dreams do come true. The most beautiful things in the world can’t be seen or heard; they’ll be felt with your heart, and all you have to do is Bolieve. Did he just start puberty? His voice was cracking something fierce toward the end.
MATCH 3: Bo Dallas vs. Sin Cara
They lock up, and Dallas applies a side headlock before turning it into a hammerlock then an armdrag. He celebrates like he just won the World title, then applies an arm wringer. Cara counters into a hammerlock, and Dallas counters into a fireman’s carry takedown, right into an armbar. Cara kicks him to break the hold, the two crisscross, and Dalls knocks Cara down in mid-air. He sends Cara to the corner, then hits a suplex and a pair of running knees. He goes for a third, but then hits a more standard version instead. He celebrates again, only to have Cara jackknife him for 2. Cara gets another 2-count, then reverses a corner whip. Cara nails a knife-egde, then gets backdropped to the outside. Cara lands on the apron and hits a springboard headbutt. He hits another one from the middle rope, followed by a handspring elbow for 2. Cara rolls to the apron, hits a shoulder thrust on an incoming Dallas and a kick that knocks Dallas down. Cara goes up and misses the senton. He rolls through, and Dallas drops him with a clothesline. Dallas grabs him in a side headlock, climbs the turnbuckles and hits a tornado bulldog for 3.
WINNER: Bo Dallas.
After the match, Dallas does a victory lap, rolls back in the ring and gives the crowd a pair of thumbs up. He then grabs Cara by the hand, tells him he did good, and if he keeps trying, maybe he can be like Dallas. Always Bolieve.
The Wyatt Family are in the ring. Bray Wyatt has seen the ups and downs of your world. He has seen poverty, disease, and every time he closes his eyes, he can feel you, man. He can hear you calling out to him. Unfortunately, for most of us, we never have to see the horrible things in our world. Only in the confines of our home when we watch the news. He assures us evil is a very real thing. We live inside this bubble, where we feel safe and secure. Nothing can hurt us in this bubble. We have become prisoners to our society, and that’s exactly what they want from us. Just as soon as we raise an eyebrow, they go and send someone in like John Cena to assure us that everything will be okay. He tells us to be good and take our medicine, that this isn’t a prison, but our home. We have let this monster lie to our children for long enough. That reason is why he is here. Everyone gather ’round and have a look. Gather ’round, children and please have a look, shall we? The show cuts to RAW, where Erick Rowan hit Cena with a fall-away slam on the entrance ramp, followed by Wyatt hitting Sister Abigail on the stage. Back to the ring, Wyatt says the Cenation has infected our world like a plague, and all it will take is one very simple 10-count to eradicate Cena and everything he stands for. He knows Cena is feeling the pressure, which is why he recruited the Usos to be his new pawns. But he forgot to tell them he’s just going to throw them to the front lines, while he rides behind oh-so-valiantly on his horse, making sure his crown doesn’t get dirty. Tonight, his brothers will teach the Usos the bond of cause can’t be broken. You can’t tame a beast that has no fear. The Usos walk in blindly, and they will find out there are things worse than dying. When London burned, Wyatt was there. When the plague spread, he was there. And when Cena falls, as his Cenation crumbles, Wyatt will be there. He is forever. He will always be, and he has always been. He then speaks in tongues (I think. I didn’t recognize the dialect) before breaking into song.
Michael Cole just got reamed for supposedly not mentioning Cena in the last segment.
Cesaro and Paul Heyman make their way down to ringside as Cole is telling Kevin Dunn he needs another headset out here for Heyman and Cesaro to both be on color commentary.
MATCH 4: Alberto Del Rio vs. WWE United States Champion Sheamus (non-title)
As the bell rings, Cesaro stands up and offers a handshake to Sheamus. ADR uses the distraction to attack Sheamus from behind. The attack is short-lived as Sheamus nails a boot and some forearms. ADR comes back with a kick out of the corner, a snapmare and a seated dropkick to the back for 2. Sheamus fires back with a boot and a forearm. He hits a snapmare of his own, then hits a flying knee from the middle rope for 2. Sheamus beats ADR down in the corner, then sends him across the ring. ADR blocks a charge with a back elbow, but then runs right into a rolling fireman’s carry slam. Sheamus clotheslines ADR to the outside, then heads out himself. ADR shoves him into the apron before hitting a step-up enziguri. Commercials.
Back from the break, ADR rolls Sheamus into the ring, climbs up top and hits a flying punch for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Sheamus fights out and rams ADR into the corner. He charges in, but ADR sidesteps him, sending Sheamus shoulder-first into the ring post and tumbling to the floor. The ringside doctor is checking on Sheamus as ADR is being held back by the referee. ADR comes around the other side and nails Sheamus with a right before rolling him back in the ring. Inside, ADR hits a boot, then follows up with some rights. Commercials.
Back once again, Sheamus knocks ADR down out of the corner. ADR comes back with a boot off the ropes, then gets backdropped to the outside. He lands on his feet and hits a hotshot. When he gets back in, Sheamus hits a pair of Irish Hammers, a running shoulder thrust in the corner and a running kneelift. ADR hits a pair of boots, runs into a tilt-a-whirl, escapes and hits a Backstabber for 2. ADR misses a thrust kick out of the corner, and Sheamus schoolboys him for 2. Back up, Sheamus hits an Irish Curse for another 2. Sheamus goes for White Noise, but ADR escapes and goes for the rolling jujigatame. Sheamus shoves him off and goes for the Brogue Kick. He misses and gets caught up in the ropes before falling to the apron outside. As he comes back in, ADR nails a thrust kick to the head for 2. ADR slaps Sheamus and charges in with a dropkick. Sheamus moves, and ADR goes through the ropes. He lands on the apron, and Sheamus ties him up for the 10 Beats of the Bodhran. He picks ADR up for White Noise, but ADR holds onto the top rope. He then nails Sheamus with a kick and locks in the rolling jujigatame. Sheamus almost taps, but manages to get his feet on the bottom rope. Cesaro jumps on the apron, and Sheamus nails him with a right. He turns around and hits ADR with a tilt-a-whirl powerslam before Cesaro pulls him to the outside and rams him back-first into the ring steps, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sheamus.
After the match, Cesaro lays Sheamus out with a Neutralizer on the floor. He then rolls Sheamus onto his back and “shakes” his hand.
Vickie Guerrero is in the ring. She says everyone only knows one side of her. She’s talented, has an award-winning personality, has great skills and is straight-up gorgeous. The side we don’t know is the one that can party all the time. This of course leads to her introducing Adam Rose for his “debut”. Again. Or does she mean his in-ring debut? Apparently not, as she just welcomes him to Smackdown. Again. He does his catchphrase, then says he has an important question for Vickie. Of course, it’s posed in the form of his stupid catchphrase. The crowd says she’s a lemon. She grabs the mic and screams that she’s not a lemon. She tells Rose he has 30 seconds to get out of her ring. While she’s on the apron, Rose offers her his lollipop, causing her to nearly fall off the apron. She screams at him, and he shoves the lollipop in her face yet again, this time causing her to fall onto his entourage, who then carries her to the back.
Renee Young is standing by with the Usos. She asks how they feel about facing the Wyatts tonight. Jimmy rattles on about the Adam Rose party that just took place in the ring, and Jey turns to the Wyatts. They call themselves a real family. The Usos know a few things about real family. The Wyatts are big and bad, but they’re not the champions. They then introduce John Cena, who does some stupid nonsense promo. He then says the Wyatts do nothing but talk while the Usos have titles. Tonight, the Wyatts find out that actions speak louder than words.
MATCH 5: WWE Tag Team Champions the Usos (Jey and Jimmy, w/John Cena) vs. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (w/Bray Wyatt) (non-title)
Harper and Jey start the match. Harper backs Jey to the corner for an uppercut, then whips him across the ring. Jey comes back with a boot for 1, then makes a blind tag before the Usos hit Harper with a series of strikes and a sunset flip by Jimmy for 2. Harper nails Jimmy and tags in Rowan, who hits a headbutt and a forearm in the corner. He misses a splash in the corner, then gets hit with some uppercuts. He throws Jimmy across the ring, but then runs into a boot in the corner. Jey tags in and nails a corner forearm. Jimmy back in, and he hits an uppercut before clotheslining Rowan to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rowan climbs back in the ring and goes on the attack. He rams Jimmy head-first into the top buckle before tagging in Harper, who comes in with a stomp. Jimmy comes back with an uppercut and a chop before Jey tags in. Jey nails Harper with rights, but then gets shoved down. Jey applies a waistlock, and Harper backs him to the corner before nailing a big back elbow. He foot-chokes Jey under the bottom rope, then tags in Rowan. He goes for a bodyslam, but Jey escapes and gets in a schoolboy for 2. He nails an uppercut and tags in Jimmy, who comes off the top witha double axe handle. Commercials.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: The Usos.
After the match, Cena gets in the ring and hits Rowan with the Attitude Adjustment as Wyatt looks on. He starts to climb in the ring, taunting Cena from the apron. Cena challenges him to get in and fight, but Wyatt drops back down to the floor and laughs.
As Cena is celebrating, we hear Cole saying the following: “Hey, Vince. You want me to say it again? Because I’ve said it a sh*tload of times tonight. Okay. Yes, sir.”
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
[amazon_link id=”B00JHH1YAW” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE The Paul Heyman Story[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B00HRYH7G2″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ] Ultimate Warrior: The Ultimate Collection DVD[/amazon_link]