The show emanates from Milwaukee, WI this week, and we’re kicking off with Seth Rollins, sans J&J Security, as a result of the attack by Brock Lesnar on RAW. He says on RAW, he marched to the ring and he did the unthinkable. Boo all you want, but he is more of a man than anyone in the arena. This past RAW, he came to the ring and called out Brock Lesnar. He gave Lesnar every opportunity to come into the ring, like a man, stare him down, like a man, and prove to the world he is the beast everyone thinks he is. Instead, Lesnar proved to the world what he truly is: Lesnar is a coward. Lesnar is a coward because instead of staring Rollins in the eyes like a man, he took his frustrations out on Rollins’ brand-new, $56,000, 2015 Cadillac CTS. When Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury to stop him, Noble got his arm snapped like a twig, and Mercury got suplexed through the windshield. It’s not the car that bothers him so much. 56 grand is pocket change. It’s what the card represented. It was a gift he gave to his friends, his family. Lesnar messed with his family, so at Battleground, he will not only slay the beat, he will humiliate Lesnar.
He’s interrupted when we hear a loud beeping in the arena. Rollins looks up to the stage, where a flat-bed tow truck is carrying what’s left of the Caddy.
Paul Heyman comes out on the stage. He introduces himself, and he’s here to confess his sins. Admittedly, he’s the advocate of the beast that did that damage to that car, the conqueror, Brock Lesnar. He could come out and spew a bunch of stupid metaphors like how Rollins is alone in the ring and he’ll be alone without J&J at Battleground when he loses the WWE World title to Lesnar, or metaphor about how the damage to the car pales in comparison to the damage that will be suffered by Rollins for violating the 11th Commandment, “Thou shalt not intentionally provoke the beast, Brock Lesnar”. But the truth is, the metaphor that applies is the damage to the car will pale in comparison to the damage when Lesnar on July 19th at Battleground, gets his hands on Rollins and drags him to the pits, not of hell, but to a place far, far, far worse, a place they like to call “Suplex City”. Rollins wants to know what Heyman is doing here. Heyman thinks the car is a metaphor for what Rollins will look like after Battleground? No, that car is a metaphor for what Lesnar will look like after what Rollins does to him. And Heyman wants to talk about Rollins being alone? After Battleground, Heyman will be alone, because he will no longer have a client to advocate for. Did he and Lesnar forget who Rollins is? He is the “Architect”. He destroyed the Shield. He cashed in his MITB contract at Wrestlemania and took the title from Heyman’s client. He’s also the man who reunited the Authority and left Lesnar laying in the ring. So, Paul, who do you think will walk out of Battleground the champion? Heyman is happy to answer this question. The person that will leave Battleground as champion is the one that will have his foot on Rollins’ chest, with the title in the air, and he will be declared the brand-new reigning, defending, undisputed WWE World Champion, Brooooo….
Rollins tells Heyman to shut up repeatedly. He’s heard enough of this crap. The man who will walk out of Battleground as the reigning, defending, undisputed World Champion is Seth Rollins. I think some of the audio was re-recorded there, because it didn’t sound right when Rollins said “reigning, defending, undisputed”.
Jimmy Uso is STILL on commentary. Who in the bloody hell thought this was a good idea?
Of course, Dallas comes out with a mic. He says after months of falling short of winning the WWE World title, Ambrose looks like he’s in need of some inspiration. And maybe a shower. Help is on the way, though. Last week at a WWE live event, he inspired the Rock to strive for greatness. Look at him now, starring in a hit TV show on HBO. He’s on top of the world, thanks to Dallas. If he can turn bland, unattractive people into mega-stars, then there’s still hope for Ambrose. All he has to do is Bolieve!
The two trade waistlocks before Ambrose goes for an arm wringer. Dallas tries to reverse, but gets pulled to the mat. Ambrose applies a hammerlock, but Dallas gets a rope-break. Dallas comes back in, misses a clothesline and gets rolled up for 2. Ambrose nails a chop to the chest, then corner-whips him. He hits a forearm and goes for a bulldog, but Dallas escapes and sends Ambrose shoulder-first into the ring post twice. He then does it a third time across the ring, and Ambrose falls to the floor. Dallas heads out and sends Ambrose into the barricade, then rolls him back in. Ambrose rolls to the apron, so Dallas heads to the floor and nails some forearms to the back with Ambrose draped across the apron. Dallas continues the attack, while covering Ambrose’s head with the ring skirt. Back in, Dallas hits a belly-to-belly off the ropes for 2, then applies a cravat. Commercials.
Back from the break, Dallas has Ambrose in a version of a crossface. Ambrose escapes, gets punched and nails a rebound clothesline. He lays in some jabs and backhands, ducks a clothesline and clotheslines Dallas to the floor near the announce desk. Ambrose sends him onto the table with a suicide dive, then mocks Dallas’ stupid sideways “thumb’s up” pose. He rolls Dallas back in the ring and goes up top, but Dallas recovers and hits a belly-to-belly superplex. Dallas then hits a complete shot in super slo-mo, but only gets 2. Dallas grabs Ambrose by the hair and goes for the Running Bo-Dog. Ambrose throws him off, avoids a corner charge, hits a clothesline and a running bulldog. Ambrose goes for Dirty Deeds, but Dallas backdrops him. Ambrose holds on and tries for a sunset flip, so Dallas sits down for 2. Dallas then argues with the ref before going for a clothesline. Ambrose ducks and hits Dirty Deeds for 3.
WINNER: DEAN AMBROSE.
We see Seth Rollins in the Authority’s office, and he’s joined by the Big Show. He says with Lesnar taking J&J out like that and coming after Rollins, times are tough, and Rollins has to be a bit overwhelmed right now. Rollins says he can take the neanderthal down by himself…but if Show would like to help burn Suplex City to the ground…Show says no. He’s just here to make sure Rollins is focused on Ryback tonight. Rollins says he’ll make an example of Ryback tonight. He’ll show Ryback brains always beat brawn, and then at Battleground, he’ll destroy Lesnar. Show says that’s the right attitude, and that’s why Rollins is the champion. Show is going to do Rollins a favor and take care of Roman Reigns tonight. Oh, we get another installment of Show vs. Reigns? Goodie!
MATCH 2: RUSEV (W/SUMMER RAE) VS. FANDANGO
Rusev backs Fandango into the corner, but Fandango escapes and hits some chops. Rusev comes back with one of his own, misses a clothesline and gets hit with a spinning headscissors. He misses a corner attack but then hits a shoulder off the ropes. He connects with a vertical splash after a crisscross, then stomps Fandango down before dropping an elbow. Rusev kicks Fandango in the gut before Fandango comes back with some weak punches. Rusev hits a back elbow off the ropes, then applies a double trapezius claw. Fandango eventually escapes and snaps off some jabs before ducking a clothesline and hitting a seated dropkick. He nails a chop in the corner before getting corner-whipped. He blocks a charge with an elbow, then hits a flying clothesline to the back of the head for 2. Fandango goes up top once more, dives over an incoming Rusev, then gets nailed with a thrust kick. Rusev stomps Fandango in the back, locks in the Accolade and gets the quick submission.
After the match, Rusev reapplies the hold as Summer Rae continues to look absolutely horrible in every possible way.
MATCH 3: ROMAN REIGNS VS. THE BIG SHOW
Show is now wrestling in a shirt under his singlet, and looking fatter than ever. That’s pretty much the only thing of note here. It’s a Big Show match, after all.
Near the end, Reigns calls for the Superman Punch, but the lights go out. Bray Wyatt’s music hits, and someone who looks like Wyatt comes out on the stage. As Reigns is staring at him, the real Wyatt sneaks up onto the apron out of nowhere. Reigns turns around and manages to knock him to the floor. He turns back around, ducks a KO Punch, escapes chokeslam attempt, hits two Superman Punches and calls for the spear. Wyatt recovers and grabs Reigns legs, crotching him around the ring post, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: ROMAN REIGNS.
After the match, Show hits a chokeslam before leaving. Wyatt enters the ring and crab-walks over to Reigns from the corner, then lays Reigns out with Sister Abigail.
MATCH 4: WWE TAG TEAM CO-CHAMPION TITUS O’NEIL (W/DARREN YOUNG) VS. BIG E (W/KOFI KINGSTON AND XAVIER WOODS)
Kofi causes a distraction, which allows E to nail Titus from behind. He stomps Titus down in the corner, then clubs him in the chest. E hits a vertical splash off the ropes for 2, then applies an abdominal stretch before clubbing Titus in the chest again. Titus manages to toss E to the floor, but E lands on his feet and gets back up on the apron. Titus catches him with a knee through the ropes, then slingshots him back into the ring. Titus nails a shoulderblock and a clothesline, then hits a bodyslam. A legdrop off the ropes connects, and Titus follows up with an avalanche. E catches him off the ropes with a belly-to-belly, and now Woods is distracting the referee as Kofi jumps on the apron on the other side of the ring. He goes for a sneak attack, but the referee sees him. He then ejects both Kofi and Woods from ringside. E argues with the referee just before turning around into the Clash of the Titus for 3.
WINNER: TITUS O’NEIL.
Yay! It’s “Story Time With Randy Orton”! Great, because I’ve been suffering from insomnia lately. We see some clips from RAW regarding his current feud with Sheamus that no one is interested in. Back to the ring, Orton says he’s been here a little over 13 years now, and he’s made more enemies than he can count, but no one has gotten under his skin like Sheamus. Sheamus acts like he’s a modern-day gladiator, saying, “Are you not entertained?” No, Orton is not entertained (or entertaining). Sheamus has succeeded at getting Orton’s attention, so he’s going to attempt to make the impossible possible, and that’s make Sheamus entertaining. He’s going to do that by ripping the mowhawk off his head and shoving it up his pale, white arse.
Orton starts to leave, but the Ascension come out for some reasons. Viktor says this is their match time, so Orton can leave. Konnor says if he stays, he’ll fall pray to two hungry wolves. That was a really awkward promo. Orton looks around as the Ascension take off their entrance gear. Viktor says there is absolutely nothing more that they would enjoy doing than ripping him limb from limb. They jump in the ring, and Konnor tells him to leave, or they will personally introduce him to the Wastelands. Orton starts to back off, but then drops Konnor with an RKO before hitting a suspended DDT on Viktor. Orton then hits another RKO. Somehow, it’s “outta nowhere” according to the commentators, despite the fact that Orton signaled for it.
It’s a safe bet that after that pointless segment, the Ascension are officially dead in Vince’s eyes.
MATCH 5: BRIE BELLA AND ALICIA FOX (W/NIKKI BELLA) VS. NAOMI AND TAMINA
Brie and Naomi start with a lock-up. Naomi pie-faces Brie, and Brie returns the favore before “tackling” Naomi and punching her. Brie “trips” Naomi into the middle rope, then knees her in the face for 2. Tamina tags in and throws Brie to the corner. She misses a splash, and Brie hits a few kicks before going for a cross-body from the middle. Tamina catches her and hits a sidewinder for 2. In the corner, Tamina kicks her a few times and tags in Naomi, who stomps Brie down. Brie escapes a bodyslam and nails a shot to the back of the head. Naomi prevents a tag and drops an elbow, then goes to drive Brie’s head into the buckles. Brie shoves her off and makes the tag to Fox. Fox hits two dropsh*ts, then…um…something. She connects with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, unaware Tamina made a tag off the Irish whip. Fox goes for the pin, but Tamina nails her from behind. She clubs Fox across the back, then goes for a Samoan drop. Nikki jumps on the apron for a distraction, which allows Brie to come in, pull Fox to safety, then shove Tamina into Naomi on the apron. Fox hits the “axe kick” and gets 3.
WINNERS: BRIE BELLA AND ALICIA FOX.
The new interview guy is standing by with Ryback. He asks for Ryback’s thoughts on his match with Seth Rollins tonight. Ryback mentions their face-to-face on Smackdown recently, then says there’s no denying Rollins is talented. But the way he’s conducted himself as champion represents a gutless child. A champion fights, a champion doesn’t run or hide. We all saw what happened on RAW when Lesnar showed up. When the going got tough, Rollins got going. Tonight, there is no running or hiding. Two weeks ago, he said what it means to be champion and tonight, Ryback shows him what it means to be champion. It’s feeding time.
The two lock up, and Ryback throws Rollins toward the corner. Rollins applies a side headlock before getting shouldered off the ropes. He rolls to the floor for a breather, then comes back in with a series of boots to the gut. He goes for a suplex, but Ryback blocks and hits a delayed vertical after a long delay. Ryback then clotheslines Rollins to the floor as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Rollins is in control, with Ryback on the apron. Rollins goes for a suplex, but Ryback pulls him to the apron. Rollins kicks Ryback in the knee, then sends Ryback to the floor with a thrust kick to the face. Ryback pulls himself to the apron, but gets sent back down with a knee to the side. Rollins then hits a suicide dive before throwing Ryback into the barricade. Ryback gets rolled back into the ring and pulls himself to a seated position in the corner. Rollins mocks Brock Lesnar on the apron, then nails a corner forearm after climbing back into the ring. Rollis applies a scissored sleeper on the mat, but Ryback powers back up and hits a backpack stunner. Rollins gets up first and misses a corner splash. Ryback ducks a clothesline and hits a back-drop before hitting a running sit-out powerslam for 2. Rollins escapes a powerbomb and hits a boot in the corner. Up top, Rollins dives off for the flying knee. Ryback avoids it, Rollins through, then runs into a spinebuster. Rollins rolls to the apron, and Ryback goes for a suplex. Rollins rolls through into a schoolboy for 2. He goes for another kick, but Ryback blocks it and hits him with a powerbomb. Ryback connects with the Meat Hook, then calls for Shell Shocked. He gets Rollins up, but Rollins escapes. Ryback grabs him by the legs and tries to slingshot Rollins up. Rollins spins through and hits a kick to the head. He then heads outside, grabs the WWE World title and begins heading for the back. Ryback cuts him off on the ramp and rolls him back into the ring. Rollins heads to the floor again and tries to escape through the crowd. Once again, Ryback catches him and throws him back to ringside. Rollins crawls into the ring, only to have Ryback yank him back down to the floor. Ryback calls for Shell Shocked on the floor, but Rollins escapes and runs through the crowd. Ryback returns to the ring and gets a count-out win as Rollins makes his way through the crowd and towards the stage.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: RYBACK.
The Big Show’s music hits, and Show & Rollins are heading back to the ring. They each take a side of the ring and this quickly leads to a double-team on Ryback. Roman Reigns’ music hits and he comes down the ramp. He nails Rollins and spears Show. Rollins goes for the Pedigree, but Reigns escapes and shoves Rollins into a Shell Shocked by Ryback.
End of show.