This week on WWE SmackDown, Apollo Crews, Cesaro, Sheamus and Alberto Del F**kface will compete in a fatal 4-way for a shot at the US title. We get quick promos from each competitor. Basically, each one says they’re going to win and that they’re better than everyone else.
We are in Miami, FL at the American Airlines Arena.
MATCH 1-FATAL 4-WAY MATCH; WINNER BECOMES THE #1 CONTENDER TO THE WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: CESARO VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. APOLLO CREWS VS. SHEAMUS
Apparently, the winner gets his shot at the title later tonight in the main event. Not sure why they’re doing that instead of making the match happen at Battleground, which would give them three weeks to build it up and where it could bring in a bit more money, but whatever. That’s WWE logic for you.
Anyone else think Crews looks like a mini Bobby Lashley? They both have about the same amount of charisma, too. Crews and Cesaro face off while the former League of Nations go at it. As soon as I finish typing that, the heels go after the faces. Crews and Sheamus brawl at ringside while Cesaro takes care of business in the ring before leveling Sheamus with a cannonball from the apron. ADR slaps his thigh against Cesaro’s ribs, then runs him into the barricade and the ring post. Sheamus and Cesaro shove each other before rolling Cesaro back in and work him over in the corner. ADR snaps off a suplex before Sheamus hits a back suplex. Crews comes in and takes out both heels before getting backdropped to the outside. ADR thigh-slaps Cesaro in the gut again before Sheamus knocks him into the announce desk. ADR hits the Backstabber on Sheamus as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, ADR has Crews in the tree of woe. He goes up for the double-stomp, whistles like a jackass, then gets armdragged off the top. Cesaro comes off on the other side with a cross-body on ADR for 2. He calls for the Cesaro Swing, but Sheamus breaks it up. The Irish Curse gets 2, and now Sheamus goes for the Irish Clover Leaf. ADR superthigh-slaps him and pins Cesaro for 2. ADR locks in the jujigatame, but Crews breaks it up with a standing moonsault for 2. Cesaro charges at Crews with a dropkick, then hits the Uppercut Train on all three opponents. Crews gets leveled with a clothesline, then Cesaro turns around into a tilt-a-whirl powerslam by Sheamus for 2. Crews and Sheamus slug it out and Sheamus goes for the rolling fireman’s carry. Crews escapes and takes Sheamus to the floor with a cross-body. ADR hits the step-up thigh-slap for 2 and throws a fit. He calls for the rolling jujigatame, but Cesaro escapes and hits the Cesaro Swing before locking in the Sharpshooter. ADR tries to power out, so Cesaro sits down on him and gets the submission.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: CESARO.
As Cesaro exits the ring, ADR throws him shoulder-first into the ring steps, then does the double-stomp from the apron.
Despite the title match not slated to happen until later tonight, Rusev comes down to the ring as Cesaro is trying to get up. Rusev congratulates Cesaro on “achieving greatest glory in man’s life”. He doesn’t want to wait for the match, instead wanting to do it right now. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev is still in the ring as the refs are checking on Cesaro. Cesaro starts to head to the back until Rusev repeatedly calls him a coward. The refs try to talk him out of this, but he tells them to let him go. We’re going into this match now.
MATCH 2-WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: CESARO VS. RUSEV (CHAMPION, W/LANA)
Rusev charges, but Cesaro moves and starts plastering him with Europeans. Rusev shakes them off and starts targeting Cesaro’s ribs with kicks and stomps. A couple punches to the gut lead to a suplex attempt, only for Cesaro to reverse it for 2. Rusev rams him into the buckles and hits a few shoulder thrusts, then locks him in a bearhug. Remember: bearhug = shite wrestler. Cesaro wedges an arm between him and Rusev, then starts elbowing Rusev with the other arm. Rusev breaks the hold, misses a clothesline and gets nailed with a springboard European. Rusev rolls to the apron near the buckles, and Cesaro looks for a suplex. Rusev blocks and throws a few punches. He heads up top, so Cesaro nails another European before dropkicking him to the floor. Cesaro goes to the apron and connects with his second cannonball of the evening. Back in the ring, Cesaro comes off the top for a cross-body, but Rusev catches him and hits a sidewinder. a somersault splash from the ropes gets 2. The referee pushes Rusev back to check on Cesaro. Cesaro says he can continue. He blocks a superkick, hits two Europeans and a clothesline for 2. Cesaro pulls Rusev up by his diaper and looks for the Neutralizer. He doesn’t have enough strength, and Rusev uses that to nail an elevated knee to the ribs. He goes for the Accolade, but Cesaro quickly flips to his back and takes Rusev down for the Sharpshooter. Rusev kicks out of it and trips Cesaro before locking in the Accolade. Cesaro rolls on top and gets 2. Rusev gets to his feet and lands a kick before locking in the Accolade for the third and final time, as that’s enough for the submission win.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: RUSEV.
Rusev starts to let the hold go, then starts to reapply it, then let’s it go again, because he’s a moron.
“MizTV” is back tonight, with Dean Ambrose as the special guest. It was so nice for these last few weeks to not have to deal with the Miz.
Renee Young stops Rusev and Lana for a quick interview in the back. She points out Independence Day. Rusev makes a stupid remark about how they should rename it after him. He’s going to celebrate on an island on the 4th, before Young informs him he’ll defend his title that night, on RAW, against Titus O’Neil.
We get a video package of Special Olympians training at the WWE/NXT Performance Center. Apparently, the Big Show is still employed, given his appearance in the video. In all truthiness, though, it’s a nice touch by WWE to work with these kids.
MATCH 3: DANA BROOKE VS. BILLIE KAY
First, we hear the Miz and his dumpster fire of a wife are back. That’s followed by a Dana Brooke match, who is an even bigger dumpster fire than Maryse. Kill me now. Sasha Banks is seen watcing on a monitor in the back. Brooke has switched from lingerie gear to her grandmother’s bathing suit. Apparently, Kay is an NXT worker from Australia. It doesn’t matter, though, because she jobs to Brooke’s fireman’s carry driver.
WINNER: DANA BROOKE.
Listening to David Otunga try to claim Dana Brooke is in her off-season from bodybuilding makes me choke on my own bile.
Renee Young interviews Sasha Banks. Sasha Banks: great worker, terrible promo, even worse gimmick. She kisses Charlotte’s ass. Summer Rae interrupts her. Speaking of terrible promos. And she looks like a giant bird/horse hybrid. Banks challenges her to a match tonight, for reasons beyond anyone’s understanding.
It’s “MizTV” time. With the draft coming, this could either be the last episode on Smackdown, or the signature show of Smackdown. I’m hoping for the former. Thankfully, Dean Ambrose interrupts him before he can talk much more. Miz pisses about because Ambrose is early. Ambrose eats a sandwich and makes fun of Miz’s new sh*tty movie. It’s apparently a Cuban, which if you’ve never had a Cuban sandwich, go have one. They’re delicious. Miz only eats organic and gluten-free foods, because he’s a f**king douchewaffle of the highest order. Ambrose takes over the segment and talks about his upcoming match with Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins at Battleground. Apparently, Reigns is still going to get to be in the match, as his suspension ends just before that.
Oh! This segment is still going. Miz insults Mitch the plant. They argue over who has the better talk show segment. Miz f**ks up the pronunciation of “tribulations”, saying “tribberations”. Then he talks about how he has defended the IC title while filming movies. Except that he hasn’t. He and his wife make fun of Ambrose’s clothes and his status as the World Champion. WHY IS THIS SO LONG? Miz keeps up the insults, then takes off his jacket and rolls his sleeves up for a fight. Ambrose takes Miz’s jacket, which is white, and uses it as a napkin, even picking his teeth with it. Maryse has a meltdown, and by that, I mean she corpses by forgetting she isn’t supposed to smile. Miz then kicks Ambrose down.
Ambrose has a bloody lip. Way to book the new champion, WWE: have him get beaten up by one of the top five worst workers on the roster less than two weeks after winning the belt.
Sasha Banks vs. Summer Rae is official for tonight. Because hell is a place on earth.
They Wyatt Family make their way out. I forgot they were back. Not that it matters, because their gimmick was killed ages ago.
MATCH 4: ERICK ROWAN AND BRAUN STROWMAN (W/BRAY WYATT) VS. MIKE DEWANEY AND AARON HALE
Rowan attacks both of the jobbers and hits a full-nelson slam on one of them. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter. Strowman tags in and slams the other one face-first onto his partner for the 3.
WINNERS: ERICK ROWAN AND BRAUN STROWMAN
This was pointless. Remember the days when jobber matches could be fun? This is not one of those days.
We get a promo from the New Day, mocking the Wyatts. They do the interrupting bit, the room full of smoke bit, etc. They ask what Bray Wyatt fears, then list off things like soap and girls. Wyatt starts laughing. Why isn’t Xavier Woods laughing? He should tell his friends what they already know: the devil calls for them. Well, why would he need to tell them that if they already know? Wyatt tells them to pray and run.
Dean Ambrose will face the Miz tonight. All of these “late-breaking bookings” are really insulting.
MATCH 5: SUMMER RAE VS. SASHA BANKS
Much like the Big Show earlier, I’d like to know why Rae still has a job. She has absolutely nothing of value in any capacity. Rae botches a side headlock and a shoulderblock, then botches calling herself “the baddest”. Banks with an armdrag from the top. They botch a sidestep spot. Rae screams. Banks tackles her and throws some punches. Banks blocks a suplex on the apron before getting booted to the floor. Commercials.
Why the hell did this match get a commercial break? Why wasn’t Rae squashed in 30 seconds? Rae connects with another boot, then screams a suplex. More screaming. Screaming kicks. Jeezus, my ears are bleeding. Banks reverses a suplex into a small package for 2. A schoolgirl gets 2, as does a backslide. Screaming block by Rae. Banks comes back with some clotheslines, blocks a scream, hits a kick, then screams herself. She misses a double knee in the corner and gets rolled up for 2. Rae hits a spin kick that’s even worse than Rick Fuller for 2. More screams. Banks escapes a slam and sets Rae up for the double knees in the corner. Rae escapes. More kicks. Snap DDT gets 2. More screaming. She changes things up for a bit by doing more screaming. Banks sets her up for the knees again, gets it and locks in the Banks Statement for the submission.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS.
Remember when I said Banks is a good worker? I wasn’t joking about that. She is. However, you’d never know it by her WWE run, given that she’s only allowed to do clotheslines, roll-ups and knees and kicks.
While the commentators talk about what happened on RAW, Otunga can’t do anything but mug for the camera.
MATCH 6-CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION: WWE WORLD CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ (W/MARYSE) (NON-TITLE)
Why is Miz coming out second? The World Champion should NEVER come out first. And Mauro, I love ya, but a “champion vs. champion” match hasn’t been rare in WWE in years.
The bell rings, and Miz immediately goes to the ropes. He tries to sneak in a kick, but Ambrose catches it and hits a clothesline. Ambrose pounds on Miz in the corner, then hits a back elbow off the ropes. Ambrose snaps off a suplex and a power-drive elbow gets 2. Miz comes back with a kitchen sink, then stomps Ambrose down in the corner. Ambrose ducks a clothesline, hits a cross-body and peppers him with fists. Miz comes back with a kick, misses a clothesline and gets sent to the floor. Ambrose goes for a tope suicida, but Maryse pulls Miz out of the way. Ambrose chases him back in and hits a hiptoss, followed by a bodyslam. Ambrose heads up, but Miz blocks the flying elbow and goes for the SCF. Ambrose escapes and looks for Dirty Deeds. Miz escapes and Ambrose goes to the floor. Miz misses a wrecking ball dropkick and lands on the floor, where Ambrose clotheslines him. Ambrose gets in Maryse’s face, which Miz tries to use for a sneak attack. Ambrose sees it coming and throws a few shots before Miz sends him into the barricade. Commercials.
Back from the last break, Ambrose fights off an ankle lock before Miz hits two leg DDTs. That is such a stupid, pointless move. Miz pulls Ambrose to the post and wraps his leg around it a couple times. Back in, Miz drags Ambrose by his hair and hits a knee to the back before going back to the leg. Ambrose breaks free with some kicks to the head. Miz gets backdropped in the corner, lands on the apron and hits a hotshot. Ambrose meets him on the top and goes for a superplex. Miz fights him off and connects with a double axe handle. I wonder if it hurt Mauro Ranallo when he just had to call Miz one of the best in WWE with a straight face. Anyway, Miz goes for the SCF once again, but Ambrose reverses into a victory roll for 2. He ducks a clothesline and connects with a quick neckbreaker to buy some time. Ambrose connects with several strikes, clohteslines, a corner forearm and a running bulldog. He gets a la magistral for 2. Miz blocks a boot in the corner, hangs the leg up and kicks at it a few more times. He calls for the figure-4, but Ambrose kicks him away. He comes off the middle with a seated dropkick, but Miz blocks and applies the figure-4. The stupid sonofabitch STILL can’t apply it worth a damn. Ambrose gets a rope-break. Miz goes for it again, and Ambrose counters with a small package for 2. Miz charges, so Ambrose throws him over the top. Ambrose connects with a tope suicida, but lands badly on the injured leg. Back in, Ambrose heads to the top for the elbow. Miz sees it coming, so Ambrose dives over him and lands on his feet, jarring his knee in the process once more. Miz goes for the SCF AGAIN (he’s gone for both of his finishers not one, not twice, but thrice EACH), and Ambrose quickly escapes and gets an O’Conner roll for 2. Miz reverses for 2. Ambrose goes for the Lunatic Lariat, but Miz counters into the Skull-Crushing Finale. However, it only gets 2, because Miz is garbage. Ambrose ducks a kick and rolls Miz up for 2. Miz comes back with the flailing clothesline and goes up top, only to dive off into Dirty Deeds for 3.
WINNER: DEAN AMBROSE.
END OF SHOW.