This week opens with Sheamus, the new Mr. Money in the Bank. Why he won it this year, I don’t really know. After some stills from the “PPV” showing how he won, Sheamus thanks the crowd for booing him. When he returned to WWE, everyone stood up and chanted “You look stupid”. That was the best you could do? Everyone proved what he was thinking: they’re narrow-minded people with pea-sized brains. Now, with the briefcase, how stupid does he look? He feels like a million dollars. Actually, more than that, because the case is worth its weight in gold. He can cash in whenever, wherever, and he’s just one opportunity from becoming your next WWE World Champion. That feels so good to say. If there is anyone out there who thinks they can stand in his way, well, let’s take a look at what happened to Randy Orton on RAW.
This brings out Dean Ambrose, who says he doesn’t speak Irish gibberish. Did he just say no one will stop him? He’s pretty sure someone did when Ambrose pinned him on RAW. Also, if it weren’t for Bray Wyatt, Roman Reigns would have the case. If Sheamus wants to continue to spit lies in front of people who paid not to hear him, maybe Ambrose will beat him a second time tonight and takes the case out of Sheamus’ potato-farming hands and give it back to its rightful owner. Sheamus says those are brave words from a guy who can’t deliver on the mic. Unlike Sheamus, Ambrose lost at MITB. Ambrose likes to steal other people’s property. He can’t win the big one on his own. If he wants the contract, why doesn’t he get in the ring and take it?
Ambrose doesn’t have the stones to get in the ring with Sheamus. Ambrose starts to climb in, but Kane comes out. Kane says no one is stealing anything tonight. He has Ambrose figured out. Ambrose likes to cause trouble and make life difficult, but he’s not good at following through. Ambrose wants to know why Kane is here, since he needs to go pick up the Authority’s dry-cleaning or something. Kane says he’s tired of the disrespect, and he imagines Sheamus feels the same way. So, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll give Ambrose a good arse-kicking in a 2-on-1 handicap match against Kane and Sheamus. That match starts…um…sometime in the future somewhere? I don’t know. Kane is never very clear on these things, is he?
MATCH 1-2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH: DEAN AMBROSE VS. KANE AND SHEAMUS
Ambrose rolls to the floor and hangs out near the barricade. Sheamus goes after him, but Ambrose runs back into the ring. He ducks a pair of Kane clotheslines and dropkicks Sheamus off the apron. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Ambrose low-bridges him. Sheamus back in, and the two trade punches. Ambrose hits a flying forearm, then wipes Kane out with a suicide dive. He hotshots Sheamus on the apron, then goes up top. He fights Sheamus off, but gets crotched by Kane. The two heels beat Ambrose down in the corner, and that’s when Roman Reigns’ music hits. Sheamus heads to ringside to intercept him, but Reigns appears on the other side of the ring and starts pelting Kane with rights, leading to the DQ.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: KANE AND SHEAMUS.
Sheamus returns to the ring, but gets clotheslined to the floor by Reigns. Reigns hits Kane with a jumping clothesline, and Ambrose dropkicks him to the floor.
As a result of the first match, the main event will be Ambrose/Reigns vs. Kane/Sheamus in the never-ending Reigns/Kane saga.
We see Ambrose and Reigns walking around in the back. Renee Young stops them to ask their reaction to the main event. Reigns says Bray Wyatt crossed the line on Monday. Reigns has never run. Wyatt better find Reigns before Reigns finds him first. Ambrose has nothing to say.
MATCH 2: PAIGE VS. BRIE BELLA
The two lock up, and Brie backs Paige to the corner, slamming her head into the buckles in the process. Brie hits a running bulldog for 2 and follows up with a low dropkick. Paige trips her off the ropes and blasts her with a running knee for 2. Brie comes back with a weak dropkick, and Paige responds with one of her own. In the corner, Paige hits a shoulder thrust and some punches. She sets Brie on the top rope, only to have Brie fight her off. They trade a few shots as Paige climbs to the middle rope. Brie comes off the ropes with a sunset flip powerbomb for 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Brie is kneeing Paige in the back before she gets a 2-count. Brie hits a neckbreaker for another 2, then goes for a rear chinlock, with her knees in Paige’s back. Paige fights to her feet before getting thrown to the corner. Brie gets in a few kicks in the corner, but then misses a clothesline. Paige pins her in the corner and lands several back elbows, followed by some kneelifts. Paige ducks a clothesline and knocks Brie to the floor with a side kick. She heads out and takes Brie down with a somersault plancha off the apron. She rolls Brie in, and Brie feigns a knee injury as Paige goes up top. As the ref checks on Brie, Alicia Fox comes down and knocks Paige off the buckles. Brie then plants Paige with a sit-out facebuster for 3.
WINNER: BRIE BELLA.
The Bellas celebrate with Fox on the stage after giving her gear that matches theirs. Oh, god. I’m already dreading where this angle is going.
Renee Young is standing by with NXT Champion Kevin Owens. She asks for an explanation for the attack on Machine Gun Kelly. Owens says she must be a fan of MGK. He says he already apologized and got carried away, but none of that would have happened if MGK hadn’t put his hands on Owens first. If you want someone to blame, you can blame John Cena. If Cena hadn’t been there and started all of this, none of that would have happened. Young then asks about his criticisms about his match on RAW with Dolph Ziggler and not making it a title match. Owens says the whether it was a title match or not doesn’t matter. He beat Ziggler, so who cares? He’s not Cena. He doesn’t need to pander to the crowd. He likes it when people earn their title matches against. On that note, he wants to make it clear there will be no NXT Championship Open Challenge tonight. Owens is then interrupted by Cesaro. He’s heard all the hype, but Owens does nothing but talk. So, whenever he’s done talking, why doesn’t he step in the ring with the “King of Swing”? And, just so there’s no miscommunication (Cesaro lightly taps him), Cesaro put his hands on Owens first.
As Dolph Ziggler comes out, we get confirmation that Owens/Cesaro will happen later tonight.
Bo Dallas comes out as Ziggler’s opponent. As he walks down, he says Lana is on the rebound. It’s a hard place to be, and it breaks his heart to see her like that. But not as much as it breaks Rusev’s heart. She left her man in his darkest hours, with a broken heart, a broken body and a broken soul. Despicable! Then, she ran to Ziggler, literally the worst rebound ever. If Ziggler’s profile popped up, he’d swipe left and keep looking for a real man. He’s out there somewhere, Lana. All you have to do is Bolieve!
MATCH 3: DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/LANA) VS. BO DALLAS
I just spotted someone wearing a Bo Dallas shirt. L. Ron Hubbard help us. Ziggler immediately nails a dropkick, but then misses a corner splash. Dallas hits a few corner clotheslines and a short-arm for 2. He locks in a cravat, but Ziggler fights out. Dallas hits him with a few knees to the face, then yanks him down by the hair. We see Rusev watching on a monitor backstage. Back to the match, Ziggler ducks a clothesline and hits the Zig-Zag for 3.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Lana kisses Ziggler, and we see Rusev flip out backstage.
MATCH 4: XAVIER WOODS (W/BIG E AND KOFI KINGSTON) VS. NEVILLE
Woods hits a quick forearm and stomps Neville down for about half a minute. He then hits a fist drop for 2 before applying a cobra clutch. Neville snaps him off and backdrops him to the floor. He then hits a twisting plancha, only to have E and Neville surround him. New WWE Tag Team Champions the Prime-Time Players show up at ringside to even things out as Woods rolls back into the ring. Neville climbs in, and Woods rolls him up for 2. Woods escapes a slam and hits a boot in the corner. He heads up top for the Red Arrow, only to have Kofi distract him on the other side of the ring. That allows Woods to crotch Neville. Kofi then dives onto Titus O’Neil, who catches him and throws him into the barricade. E hits a vertical splash on Titus, only to turn around into a straight right by Young. Woods dropkicks Young through the ropes, but then turns around into a big kick from Neville. Neville heads up once more, hits the Red Arrow and gets 3.
The WWE World Champion, Seth Rollins, makes his way down to the ring. As he climbs in, we cut to footage from RAW, where it was revealed that Brock Lesnar will be Rollins’ next challenger. Rumor has it Lesnar will face Kevin Owens at Summerslam, possibly with the World title at stake. Back to Rollins, he says he is the biggest star in WWE, the WWE World Champion, and the undisputed future of this industry. He knows the fans will never understand what it is like to be in that position, so he will try to explain it. 24/7, he is under the most intense scrutiny imaginable. Everything he does is magnified for the world to see. Does he ever get a thank you? A pat on the back? No, all he gets is disrespect. This week has taken it to a new level. The only thing he’s been asked is how he feels about facing Lesnar at Battleground. When he heard Lesnar’s music on RAW, his first reaction was shock. That was the last person he expected to be named. The last time we saw Lesnar, he brutalized several employees, including Michael Cole. But as Lesnar walked down the ramp and circled the ring like a shark, that shock turned into undertanding. There’s no other way. This is how it has to be. He’s beaten everyone else. Orton, Reigns, Ambrose, everyone put in front of him. For him to cement his legacy, he has to beat Lesnar at Battleground. The same Lesnar that conquered the Undertaker’s streak. The same guy that took Roman Reigns and John Cena to “Suplex City”. That guy walked into the ring on RAW, stood toe-to-toe with Rollins and did nothing. Do you know why? Because Lesnar remembers Wrestlemania. Lesnar knows better than anyone how dangerous Rollins can be. If he would have taken one swing at Rollins, Rollins would have knocked his teeth down his throat, and that mystique Lesnar walks around with would have been gone forever. Rollins is the diamond Triple H thinks he is, and at Battleground, he will shine brighter than he ever has. So, to answer the question, how does he feel about Lesnar at Battleground? He can’t wait.
After some clips from RAW for the feud between Reigns and Bray Wyatt, we see Wyatt sitting in a locker room, staring off into space. Dean Ambrose is there, and he says he can’t wait for this match tonight. He’s going to rip the braids out of Sheamus’ face. He hates Sheamus’ stupid hair, too. Reigns doesn’t responds, so Ambrose smacks him to get his attention. He tells Reigns not to let Wyatt get into his head. Reigns says not to mention him. He needs to get this match done tonight and head home.
MATCH 5: NXT CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. CESARO
Cesaro applies a wastelock and rolls Owens up for 0. Owens fights back near the ropes and applies a side headlock before hitting a shoulder for 2. He kicks Cesaro in the back, then nails him with a forearm. Owens hits a kick off the ropes, but Cesaro comes back with a clothesline, knocking Owens to the floor. Cesaro hits a suicide dive, nearly piledriving himself in the process. Fortunately, he’s okay, and he blasts Owens with a running European uppercut against the barricade. He rolls Owens in, and Owens goes for a suplex from the apron. He can’t get Cesaro up, so he hits a few forearms. Cesaro comes back with a clothesline from the apron. He then gets knocked to the floor after Owens pulls him face-first into the ring post. Commercials.
Back from the break, Owens has Cesaro in a rear chinlock. Cesaro escapes, ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard spinning European uppercut. Nice move. You don’t see Cesaro do stuff like that often. Owens pulls himself to his feet in the corner, but then walks into a flurry of punches. He hits a back elbow out of the corner, then nails a beautiful tornado DDT for 2. Owens mocks Cesaro and goes for the Neutralizer, but Cesaro backdrops him and goes for the Cesaro Swing. Owens kicks him off, but then gets caught coming in, with Cesaro hitting a modified fireman’s carry into a front slam for 2. Cesaro hits a few European uppercuts in the corner, then runs in with another for 2. Owens catches him with a surprise flapjack into the buckles, then follows up with a release German suplex. He nails a cannonball in the opposite corner and goes for a pin, but only gets 2. Owens heads up top, but Cesaro gets to his feet. He meets Owens with punches, then nails yet another European uppercut. Cesaro climbs up and goes for a superplex. Owens tries to counter with a powerbomb, but Cesaro lands on his feet and knocks Owens off the buckles with a dropkick. On the apron, Cesaro throws Owens face-first into the buckles, then goes for an outside-in superplex. Owens manages to crotch him on the top rope, then hits the pop-up powerbomb for 3.
WINNER: KEVIN OWENS.
Damn fine match right there.
Miz now has a new segment, “Miz at the Movies”. It’s basically a piece of crap to promote the new WWE Studios movie, Vendetta, starring the Big Show and Dean Cain. This leads to Miz trying to start fights with Ryback and the Big Show. This will not make anyone give a tinker’s damn about Miz, no matter how badly WWE wants it to happen.
We get the video package for Dusty Rhodes. Still hard to believe he’s gone…
MATCH 6: ROMAN REIGNS AND DEAN AMBROSE VS. SHEAMUS AND KANE
Sheamus and Ambrose start. Sheamus hits some quick kicks and a European uppercut, then stomps Ambrose down in the corner. Ambrose ducks a short-arm, snaps off a few jabs, whips Sheamus across the ring and hits a shoulder thrust. Sheamus comes back with a snapmare and a kick to the back. They trade a few more shots until Sheamus hits a knee to the face. He grinds Ambrose’s face against the ropes before Ambrose comes back with chops in the corner. He mounts the corner for some punches, but Sheamus escapes and drops Ambrose face-first onto the top buckle before nailing a short-arm clothesline for 2. Ambrose ducks a clothesline and hits a cross-body, right into some punches. Kane tries to enter the ring, but Reigns cuts him off as Sheamus is backdropped to the floor by Ambrose nails a forearm on Kane in the corner before he and Reigns clothesline Kane to the floor. Commercials.
WINNERS: KANE AND SHEAMUS.
Wyatt stays on the screen as Sheamus leaves the area. He laughs before telling Reigns, “Happy Father’s Day, Roman. Run.” The lights go out, and when they come back on, the picture of Reigns and his daughter is in the ring, next to Reigns.
End of show.