This week’s WWE Friday Night SmackDown is going straight into a match to start the show.
MATCH 1: Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow
Sandow calls the audience in Corpus Christi, TX “half-wits”, and then tells them to say hello the uncrowned World Champion. He’s happy they’ve taken time away from cow-tipping and watching the bug zapper on the porch to be enlightened. Behold your uncrowned World Champion. You’re welcome! The match starts with a side headlock by Sandow, into a crisscross, and a back elbow by Orton. Another side headlock by Sandow, and he turns it into a hip throw. Orton counters into a headscissors, but Sandow escapes and goes back to the headlock. Orton reverses, but gets rammed into the corner by Sandow. Sandow hits a straight right, and Orton comes back with kicks and headbutts, followed by a corner clothesline. He hits another, then pops off a suplex for 2. Orton stomps on Sandow’s hand repeatedly, then kicks him in the ribs before hitting a snapmare. He misses a jumping kneedrop, and Sandow attacks Orton with stomps and a foot choke. He fires off a couple of rights before Orton reverses an Irish whip and throws Sandow to the floor. Orton rolls outside and hits a European uppercut before hitting a back suplex across the barricade. Orton throws Sandow back inside for a pin, getting 2. I just spotted that dumbass red hat guy in the crowd, BTW. Back to the match, Sandow recovers and rams Orton into the corner before stomping him down. Orton blocks a punch and hits a few of his own before landing another European uppercut, causing Sandow to roll to the apron. Sandow hotshots Orton from here, then gets back in the ring for the pin, getting 2. Sandow hits a kneedrop as we go to commercials.
WINNER: Randy Orton. As Sandow gets up after the match, Rhodes leaves the area, still carrying the briefcase.
CM Punk will be out to address the situation with Brock Lesnar next.
Punk comes out and says he got what he wanted at Summerslam: The Best vs. The Beast. Since Monday, everyone has been saying Punk fell into Paul Heyman’s trap. Heyman wants everyone to think that. Punk knows Heyman. Heyman was his mentor, teacher and friend for 8 years. He taught Punk to exploit a weakness, target it and hit it over and over until there’s nothing left. That’s exactly what he’ll do to Brock Lesnar at Summerslam. He considers himself an expert on Lesnar’s biggest weakness, because it used to be Punk’s: his weakness is trusting Heyman. That will be Lesnar’s downfall. Heyman’s biggest weakness has been his ego. He’s not going to pretend Heyman didn’t back him up and help him get to WWE, but he’s been beating himself up for weeks over this. Heyman did it for himself, not to Punk. He wanted to take credit for “making” Punk. Punk was just another horse in the race, and Heyman wanted two horses. He thought he could be in both corners because Heyman wanted everything. At Summerslam, Punk will take everything from Heyman. He can handle everything Lesnar has, and then he’ll stand up, look Lesnar in the eye, and kick him in the face over and over until he is a pile of failure. As for Heyman, he has something special for him…Fandango’s music hits. He and Summer Rae make their way out. As Fandango jumps into the ring, Punk immediately attacks him before knocking him out with the GTS. Not really sure the point of that segment.
Later tonight, the Wyatt Family makes its Smackdown debut. Absolutely awesome.
I hope Total Divas fails on an epic level.
We get another one of Sheamus’ 1-800-FELLA commercials. This time, he cures a guy’s hiccups by Brogue Kicking him in the back. I don’t really understand where WWE is going with this bit.
MATCH 2: Wade Barrett and the Prime-Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) vs. Mark Henry and the Usos (Jey & Jimmy)
I find it strange that WWE just turned Henry face because they decided not to go with continuing a feud between him and John Cena. Young and Jey start the match. Young clubs Jey down with a forearm while holding onto an arm wringer, then goes into a side headlock. Jey gets shouldered off the ropes, then hits a forearm before tagging in Jimmy. Jimmy hits a kneelift and an uppercut before throwing Young to the corner for a knife-edge and an other uppercut. Titus stops some corner mounted punches with a big boot, and Barrett tags in. He hits a pair of kneelifts and a short-arm clothesline before setting Jimmy across the top rope for some forearms to the back and a running knee to the ribs for 1. Titus tags in and hits a legdrop, an elbow drop, and then applies a rear chinlock. Jimmy elbows out and headbutts Titus before getting caught with a standing fall-away slam. Titus blocks a kick and ends up spinning Jimmy into a dragon whip. Henry tags in and hits clotheslines on Titus before giving Young one as well. Running powerslam on Titus gets 2 as Barrett breaks up the pin. Jey nails him with a superkick. Young runs in and gets caught by Henry, who throws him into Jey for another superkick. Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam on Titus and gets 3.
WINNERS: Mark Henry and the Usos.
AJ Lee will have a “State of My Mind” Address later on tonight, and Alberto Del Rio faces Rob Van Dam.
Vickie Guerrero is on the phone in her office when ADR enters. He congratulates her on being the GM of Smackdown. He mentions his match with RVD tonight, and that somehow means she owes him. On RAW, Brad Maddox let John Cena choose his opponent at Summerslam, and as World Champion, ADR deserves the same opportunity. She likes the idea, and will give him a week to think about it. RVD enters and says he’s the obvious choice. ADR tells him he can’t just come back and be granted a title match. The audio on my feed really sucks, so I don’t catch most of what is said after this. Doesn’t appear to be too important, though.
Damien Sandow is in the back, looking for Cody Rhodes. He asks Sin Cara, who nods that he knows which way Rhodes went, but can’t say anything.
MATCH 3: Rob Van Dam vs. World Champion Alberto Del Rio (non-title)
Apparently, what I missed in the last segment was something along the lines of RVD and ADR agreeing that, if RVD can beat him tonight, he may get a title match at Summerslam. RVD hits a kick and some forearms, sending ADR into the corner. More forearms, but ADR blocks an Irish whip and rolls to the floor. ADR starts to get back in the ring, but immediately jumps back to the floor when RVD goes to grab him. They do the spot once more, and ADR finally gets back in when RVD’s back is turned. However, RVD sees him coming and lands a spin kick before attacking him in the corner. ADR is yelling in Spanish, and referee Mike Chioda is telling him he doesn’t speak the language. As RVD tries to go after him once more, Chioda pulls him back, which allows ADR to hit a superkick and get the 3.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio. Well, that was a colossal f*cking waste of time. I hate ADR so very, very much, and no, not in the way that I’m supposed to. He’s completely worthless, and much like the Miz, I would like him to never be on my television screen again.
Back to Sandow, he’s still looking for Rhodes in the arena. He interrupts a conversation between Mark Henry and Booker T to ask if they’ve seen him. Book asks Henry if he’s seen Rhodes, and Henry says no. He calls Rhodes a thief, and Book says he can’t stand a thief. Sandow reminds Book he used to be the GM, which upsets Book. Sandow leaves before Book can go any further.
AJ Lee comes out for her “State of My Mind” address, and she is flanked by Big E. Langston. She wants to clear the air. For everyone that thinks she is a gentle nudge away from a complete mental breakdown because of both her ex-best friend Kaitlyn and ex-boyfriend Dolph Ziggler, they are all mistaken. She is fine. She is a-okay, and why? Because she has the Divas Championship. She is the Divas Champion. She will forever be the savior of the divas division. That belt is never leaving her, and to show you how fine she is, she has the keys to Dolph Ziggler’s home. She remembers the day she got her copy. She was going to break in and burn everything to the ground, but she’s ready to let go of them.
Dolph Ziggler comes out on the stage. Does AJ think he hasn’t passed out hundreds or thousands of those keys before? The locks have been changed a couple times since they split up. AJ says Ziggler was never the smart one in the relationship. Langston grabs a suitcase, which is apparently Ziggler’s. Ziggler laughs and says everything in the ring is totally replaceable. Everything. AJ pulls out a pair of scissors and a wallet and threatens to cut up his driver’s license. He says a day at the DMV would be better than anything involving AJ. AJ then cuts up his passport. Ziggler says there is a passport agency 2 blocks away, and the girl there owes him a favor. AJ throws all of the cash in his wallet around. Ziggler makes a joke about the economy as she cuts up his credit cards. Ziggler doesn’t need a credit card, and in fact, this will keep him off the grid. AJ unzips the big pocket of Ziggler’s suitcase and begins throwing his laundry around before coming across a shirt that belonged to her. Ziggler uses it to clean off his kneepads, and AJ continues throwing a fit before hurling the case out to the floor, then falls out to the floor as Ziggler continues to taunt her. She turns around, where Kaitlyn runs through her with a spear out of nowhere. Langston tries to help AJ up, and Ziggler comes down to hit him with a rocker dropper.
MATCH 4: Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay and Sweet T, w/the Funkadactyls) vs. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (w/Bray Wyatt)
The Wyatt Family’s entrance theme rules. Harper assaults T with punches in the corner. T fights back before getting hit with a back elbow. He rebounds and hits a clothesline for 1 as Rowan breaks up the pin. Clay comes in, and Rowan throws him to the floor. He pulls T to the corner with one hand on the face, where Harper hits an avalanche. He follows up with a discus clothesline after tagging in Rowan. Rowan hits a running splash and gets the 3.
WINNERS: Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. They pick up T after the match as Wyatt enters the ring. Wyatt tells T, “This is not your fault”, kisses him on the head, then hits him with Sister Abigail. Wyatt grabs a mic and tells Kane he suspects Kane will be looking for him. That’s alright, because he’s never been too hard to find. In fact, if Kane needs him, he’ll be right here with all of his friends. They’ve been waiting for Kane. They’ve always been waiting for him. Look to the sky and follow the buzzards. Wyatt is too good in this role. Just too damn good.
We see Vickie Guerrero texting in her office when Damien Sandow storms in. He asks her if she’s seen him, as he’s been looking all over. She hasn’t seen him and tells him to relax. She’s contacted the authorities. Just give it time. Sandow doesn’t have time. He’s going to find his briefcase, and he’s going to find it tonight.
MATCH 5: Christian vs. Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Colter)
Colter cuts off the music and asks if they’re in Texas, or northern Mexico? Last night, he drove through northern Mexico and had to go through the inspection station. He had no problem with that, and the officer said there was no need to search his car, because he’s a real American. The officer said the country needs more people like Colter and Swagger. Colter wants the country back, and Christian has overstayed his welcome here. He then asks the crowd to chant, “We the people” along with him. Of course, nobody does, because no one gives a drizzling sh*t about this gimmick. Swagger hits a waistlock takedown on Christian, then does push-ups on his back. Swagger backs Christian into the corner, where Christian ducks a clothesline and hits some rights. Swagger blocks the mounted punches with an attempted throw before Christian counters into a sunset flip. Swagger picks him up, throws him to the corner and hits a runnig shoulderblock. Swagger charges in once more, and Christian backdrops him to the floor before hitting a slingshot plancha. Christian rolls Swagger back in the ring, then climbs to the top rope. Swagger meets him with a belly-to-belly superplex, which Kurt Angle of course invented and is now being ripped off *rolls eyes*. Commercials.
Back from the break, Christian is in the corner, where he avoids a charge and hits the Pendulum. Dropkick from the middle rope connects by Christian, and now he fires off some rights before hitting a running forearm. Christian hits the outside-in uppercut and goes for a top rope cross-body, but Swagger moves. He goes for the falling Doctor Bomb, and Christian counters into the Killswitch. Swagger reverses, Christian reverses once more and hits a falling inverted DDT. Colter tries to distract Christian, but Christian shrugs it off and avoids a charge in the corner before hitting a middle rope spinning European uppercut. He calls for the Killswitch, but Swagger avoids it and hits an elevated belly-to-belly for 2. Swagger goes for the Swagger Bomb, but Christian blocks with his knees and hits a spinning sunset flip from the middle rope for 2. Swagger counters into the Patriot Lock, but Christian rolls through, sending Swagger into the corner. Swagger puts on the breaks and charges at Christian, who sidesteps him, sending Swagger shoulder-first into the ring post. Christian connects with the Killswitch this time and gets 3.
Back from the break, Sandow is still heading towards the exit of the arena. He makes his way outside and runs across the street, where Rhodes is standing by. Sandow is telling him to please stop, and Rhodes says he hasn’t done anything yet. Sandow tells him not to do anything stupid, and Rhodes jokingly asks if Sandow called him stupid. Sandow gets next to him and says they are best friends, and in the Rhodes Scholars, he was the team leader. He calls Rhodes his intellectual superior and asks for forgiveness. He then tells Sandow he has better facial hair and is more handsome than he is. Rhodes says Sandow has earned this and goes to hand him the case, but instead throws it into the water. Rhodes tells him good luck and hopes that the case can float. Sandow screams for help, saying he can’t swim. Eventually, the case appears to sink, and Sandow dives in anyway. After flailing around, he climbs up a ladder back onto the shore and spits up water. The show ends with Sandow crying on the shore.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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