This week opens up with Seth Rollins, flanked by J&J Security. He says he’s feeling good tonight. Did everyone see the look on John Cena’s face at the end of RAW? He loved it so much, he wants us all to take a look at it again. We see a freeze-frame of said expression, and Rollins says that’s the look of a man who knows he’s been had.
He manipulated Cena into doing something Cena swore he’d never do again, and that’s bring back the Authority. With them being back in power, that’s on Cena’s head. What’s also on his head are three of his friends are no longer employed by WWE. On Monday, they were fired, the three being Erick Rowan, Ryback and Dolph Ziggler. Everyone owes Cena a debt a gratitude because, thanks to him, the Authority is back in power, and Rollins is in the main event at the Royal Rumble. At the RR, the WWE World Championship match will now be a triple threat: Cena vs. Brock Lesnar vs. Rollins. Everyone that says that the Authority is vindictive is wrong. He thinks they’re justified. But, just so everyone doesn’t think he’s a bad guy, he’d like to ask for ten seconds of silence so we can acknowledge the lackluster careers of Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler. So, if everyone could, let’s bow our heads and ring the bell. The timekeeper does the 10-bell salute, but before it’s finished, Roman Reigns’ music hits.
Reigns comes down through the crowd and heads straight for the ring. He’s already got a mic, and Rollins says it’s good to see him again, brother. Reigns apologizes for interrupting, then says he’s not sorry. Rollins is full of himself, as well as something else. Rollins is a sniveling suck-up sell-out. His so-called brother here has donkey dung for brains. What he’s trying to say is he’s going to kick Rollins’ ass. He then knocks Rollins down with a right before taking out J&J Security. Rollins tries a few weak shots, but Reigns sends him flying over the ropes with an uppercut.
We see Kane on his phone in his office, saying he has everything under control. He ends the call when the Miz and Damien Mizdow walk in. Miz sucks up to him, and he’s not even sad “MizTV” got canceled tonight. They wants Rollins to have his own spotlight, just like Miz has. That being said, he thinks it’s only fair to fight the Usos in a two-on-two match for the titles tonight. Kane says that’s fair, and Mizdow accidentally spills water on him. Kane says nothing in life is fair, so Miz can thank his stunt double that the title match will still be a triple threat match.
MATCH 1: ADAM ROSE (W/THE EXOTIC EXPRESS AND THE MASTERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE) VS. BIG E (W/KOFI KINGSTON AND XAVIER WOODS)
E goes right on the attack with body blows and a corner whip. He hits a shoulder thrust, then follows up with more body blows. Rose ducks a clothesline and hits a spinebuster for 2. Rose peppers E with rights, then drops a few forearms to the chest for a 1-count. Rose goes into a sleeper, but E breaks free and hits a pair of clotheslines. Rose runs into a belly-to-belly, and E then hits him with a Warrior Splash. He signals for the Big Ending, but Rose escapes. He hits an enziguri out of the corner, then lands a tornado DDT for 2. Rose drops a couple elbows to E’s neck, but then E catches him with a tilt-a-whirl right into the Big Ending for 3.
WINNER: BIG E.
The New Day challenge the Masters to get in the ring, but to no avail.
The Ascension come out for their match, but before that, it’s promo time. Viktor says there have been plenty of so-called dominant tag teams in WWE history, like the Road Warriors. Konnor says they couldn’t carry the Ascension’s shoulder pads. The Powers of Pain? The Ascension’s power would cause them pain. They are the Ascension. Welcome to the wasteland.
MATCH 2: THE ASCENSION (KONNOR AND VIKTOR) VS. TWO JOBBERS
Couldn’t find who these guys were, so we’ll just call them One and Two. Konnor and One start, with Konnor throwing One across the ring. Konnor boots One in the face, then just throws him over the top rope. Viktor tags in, drops to the floor and hits an STO. Back in, Konnor tags back in. Viktor knocks Two off the apron, and the Ascension hit the Fall of Man before Konnor gets 3.
WINNERS: THE ASCENSION.
Byron Saxton is standing by with the Usos. He asks about the ending of RAW. They call it unfair and messed up. It’s also not right they have to defend their title against two teams tonight. But, it’s all good, because they’re the best team in WWE, and they’re leaving as champions tonight.
MATCH 3: ALICIA FOX VS. NAOMI
It seems Fox is becoming the Miz of the divas division, with desperately trying to make us care about her. We get an inset promo from Naomi, and she basically calls Fox a psycho, and she’s going to get crazy on Fox tonight. The bell rings, and Naomi hits a dropsh*t, followed by a hiptoss and some mounted punches. She hits a corner whip, follows up with a splash, hits a horrible snapmare and a weak kick to the back. She ducks a clothesline, then counters a tilt-a-whirl into a cross-body for 2. Fox hits some weak shots until Naomi comes back with a monkey flip and a hurricanrana. Fox avoids a corner charge, hits a sunset flip and gets 3 with her feet on the ropes.
WINNER: ALICIA FOX.
Bray Wyatt appears on the screen and says when he first saw him, he thought he was staring at his own deranged reflection. He thought Dean Ambrose was different, and he was wrong. Ambrose is just like everyone else: an insect trying to climb out of a jar. Ambrose found out you can’t hurt a stone, and you can’t outrun fate, for fate is a pretty girl with a sword in her hand. She’s watching, man. She’s always watching. As fate closed in on Ambrose, the ambulance door shut. When one journey ends, another must begin. This long, winding road will lead him to a new destination. In three weeks time, Bray Wyatt will arrive in the Royal Rumble. 29 others will join him, and 29 others will fall. Run.
MATCH 4-TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THE USOS (JEY AND JIMMY; CHAMPIONS) VS. GOLD & STARDUST VS. THE MIZ AND DAMIEN MIZDOW
Miz and Jey start the match with a lock-up. Miz goes into a side headlock, but Jey quickly counters out. Goldust tries to tag in off Miz, but Miz squirms away. Miz reapplies the side headlock before hitting a shoulder off the ropes. He calls for a tag to Mizdow, then changes his mind. Jey applies a side headlock, then hits a shoulder. The two crisscross until Jey hits a crucifix into a sunset flip for 2. Miz then reverses for 2. The two trade reversals until Jey hits an uppercut and a hip throw. Jimmy tags in and hits a double axe handle of the top for 2. Miz comes back with a jawbreaker, then stomps Jimmy down. Jimmy avoids a corner whip and hits an uppercut for 2. Jimmy hits a couple of hard chops. Miz comes back with a boot before Stardust makes a blind tag. Stardust applies a hammerlock on Jimmy, which Jimmy counters. Stardust breaks it up, only to run into a jumping side kick by Jimmy. Jey tags in and hits a corner forearm before landing a jumping headbutt for 2. Jimmy comes back in, and the Usos hit a double back elbow, followed by a double elbow drop. Stardust shoves Jimmy to the corner, where Goldust hits a cheap shot. Goldust tags in and pelts Jimmy with punches. Jimmy comes back with a clothesline that sends Goldust to the floor. Stardust comes in and gets taken out. The same happens to the Miz. Mizdow comes in and allows himself to be taken out. Jey then wipes out everyone except Mizdow with a suicide dive. Stardust trips Jimmy in the ring, then hits a Falling Star on Jey and Miz. Mizdow then takes a bump. Jimmy hits the floor and wipes out Stardust with a clothesline off the steps. Back in the ring, Jimmy heads up, only to have Goldust crotch him. Stardust gets 2 as we go to commercials (and everyone forgets he’s not the legal man).
Back from the break, Stardust blocks a kick from Jimmy, spins him around, and gets blasted with a reverse dragon whip. Miz tags himself in off Jimmy, then throws Jimmy to the floor. He hits a boot on Stardust for 2, and now Mizdow is begging for a tag. Miz says no, then gets rolled up by Stardust for 2. Miz goes for the Reality Check, but Stardust rolls him off and into the corner. Mizdow tags himself in to a huge pop and hits a clothesline. He then hits a Reality Check, kips up and looks for the snap DDT. He’s distracted by Miz, who is asking to be tagged back in, which allows Stardust to clip his knee and send him to the floor. Goldust tags in, drops to the floor and nails Mizdow with a clothesline. He rolls Mizdow to the apron and hits a falling elbow. Back in the ring, Goldust gets a 2-count. He works on Mizdow’s leg, then hits an uppercut before applying a rear chinlock. Mizdow gets free with a sit-out jawbreaker, but Goldust is back on the attack before tagging in Stardust, who stomps Mizdow down in the corner. Goldust gets in a cheap shot from the floor as Stardust taunts the crowd. He stomps Mizdow in the midsection, then tags in Goldust for a wishbone. Goldust applies a rear chinlock, but Mizdow fights out. Goldust shoves him off and hits a spinebuster. Stardust tags in, stomps Mizdow down, then hits Miz with a Disaster Kick. He charges in at Mizdow, but runs into a back-body drop. Goldust comes in and Mizdow sends him flying. Mizdow tags in Jey, who hits Stardust with several strikes before botching a Samoan drop. Stardust slumps to the corner, and Jey calls for the running hip attack. Goldust pulls Stardust out of the way at the last second and tags himself in. He avoids a Samoan drop and rolls Jey up for 2. He drops down for an uppercut, ducks a clothesline, then misses the powerslam. Jimmy tags in, and the Usos hit him with a double superkick for 2 as Miz breaks it up. Jey sends him to the floor with a superkick. Mizdow sends Jey out with a Skull-Crushing Finale. Goldust then drops Mizdow with a Final Cut. He goes for it again on Jimmy, but Jimmy counters into a roll-up for 2. Back up, Goldust hits an uppercut as Stardust pulls himself up on the apron. A miscommunication leads to Stardust low-bridging Goldust to the floor. Jimmy then takes them both out with an over-the-top suicide dive. He rolls Goldust back in, goes up top and hits the Samoan Splash for 3.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: THE USOS.
Predictable but fun match. Expect Miz and Mizdow to split any day now.
Daniel Bryan returns to action next week.
MATCH 5: SETH ROLLINS AND THE BIG SHOW (W/CORPORATE KANE AND J&J SECURITY) VS. ROMAN REIGNS AND DEAN AMBROSE
It looks like it’s going to be a handicap match until Ambrose surprises everyone. He hits the ring and goes right after Rollins as Reigns sends Show to the floor. Rollins and Show are throwing a fit at ringside, and the bell still hasn’t rung yet. Rollins tries to get everyone to regroup, then volunteers to start this match. The bell rings, and Ambrose nails him with rights. He hits a cross-body, hits some more punches, then throws Rollins to the corner. He hits a chop against the ropes, follows up with a snapmare and drops a power-drive elbow. Reigns tags in, and he throws Rollins to the corner for a clothesline. Rollins reverses a corner whip, but gets hit with another big clothesline. Reigns applies a cravat and hits a kneelift as Ambrose tags in. Ambrose hits a running seated dropkick against the ropes. Rollins reverses a suplex and goes for a waistlock. Ambrose counters, sends Rollins into the ropes and hits a kneelift. He hits a few jabs and goes for another dropkick, but Show pulls Rollins to the floor. Commercials.
WINNERS: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS.
End of show.