Edge (who I notice is wearing a Cesaro shirt) and Christian are in charge of the show this week, and they are here to open the show. There is a storyline going that they have filed a multi-million-dollar lawsuit against the Authority. Edge says he’s been running over RAW in his head since Monday, as well as the direction of the company, and he feels like it’s his fault, so he’s sorry. If there was something they could do to Seth Rollins, they’d tear him apart. Rollins has a target on his back, and John Cena is a missile aimed at the target. Christian says the show must go on, and Edge says the Authority can’t do anything about them still running the show tonight.
MATCH 1: BRAY WYATT VS. ERICK ROWAN
Wyatt immediately orders Rowan to lay down, saying they’re not meant to fight. Rowan walks toward him, takes off the mask and shakes his head “no”. Wyatt slaps him in the face, then hits an uppercut. Rowan no-sells, throws Wyatt and hits a big boot. He rams Wyatt’s head into the top buckle, then does it again on the other side. Rowan misses a corner charge, hits the ring post and falls to the floor. Outside, Wyatt shoves Rowan face-first into the ring post. He asks Rowan why he’s doing this, then rolls him onto the apron. He nails a series of forearms to Rowan’s head against the ring post, then splashes his head into it. Back in the ring, Wyatt hits a series of headbutts and applies a rear chinlock. Rowan breaks the hold, but then takes a boot and an uppercut. Wyatt comes off the ropes, right into a double-chop. Rowan rams the back of Wyatt’s head into the top buckle and hits a trio of avalanches before hitting a Pounce. Wyatt gets to his knees and says, “no more”. He begs off and calls himself Rowan’s father. Rowan picks him up and is apologizing, which allows Wyatt to quickly drop him with Sister Abigail for 3.
WINNER: BRAY WYATT.
Rowan continues to be the Stevie Ray/Rick Steiner/Jim Neidhart, etc. of the former Wyatt Family.
Wyatt says he gave his only begotten son a beating. If he’s willing to do that to his own flesh and blood, what on earth will he be willing to do to Dean Ambrose? It’s been fun, but all good things must end, and their story ends with Ambrose laying on a slab in the back of an ambulance. Follow the buzzards.
We see Edge and Christian in the back, and Edge says they can make J&J do anything. He asks Christian to play along, and they start talking about practicing their 5-second pose. J&J walk up and say they’re doing everything around here tonight, and that includes doing the pose themselves.
MATCH 2: ADAM ROSE (W/THE EXOTIC EXPRESS), GOLD & STARDUST VS. R-TRUTH AND WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE USOS (JEY & JIMMY)
Rose and Truth fight for crowd chants until Truth gets in a roll-up for 2. He ducks a clothesline and hits an uppercut before tagging in Jey. After a quick crisscross, Stardust low-bridges Jey from the apron. Commercials.
Back from the break, Goldust is legal for his team, with Jey in a rear chinlock. Goldust picks him up by the neck, with Jey quickly fighting out. Jey hits a back elbow and an uppercut out of the corner before running into a quick powerslam for 2. Stardust tags in as Goldust sets Jey on the middle buckle. Gold & Stardust hit a pair of leaping stomps before Stardust stomps Jey down. Rose tags in and tees off on Jey’s head. He hits a jumping knee, then knee-chokes Jey over the bottom rope. Jey comes back with an uppercut, then another. Rose shakes them off and hits a back elbow. Goldust tags in, and Jey hits him with a series of strikes before knocking Stardust and Rose off the apron. Jey then backdrops Goldust to the floor and crawls for the tag, tagging Jimmy. Rose tags in, and Jimmy hits him with a series of moves, ending in a Samoan drop. Jimmy ducks a clothesline from Goldust, hits the running hip attack on Rose, then holds Goldust’s foot before Truth drops him with a kick. Truth and Goldust both roll outside, where Stardust hits a Falling Star on Truth. In the ring, Rose goes for a schoolboy for 2, then looks for the Party Foul. Jimmy shoves him off and hits a superkick. Jey tags in, hits the Samoan Splash and gets 3.
WINNERS: R-TRUTH AND THE USOS.
A couple of the Rosebuds try to hit the ring, but Truth and the Usos quickly take them out.
MATCH 3: RYBACK VS. THE BIG SHOW
The two lock up, and Show shoves Ryback to the ground. Ryback gets up and rams Show into the buckles. Show reverses a corner whip, then clotheslines Ryback to the floor. Show goes after him, picking him up by the head. Ryback breaks free and hotshots Show before hitting a boot in the corner and a double axe handle from the middle rope. He hits another one, finally knocking Show down. Ryback calls for the Meat Hook, but Show bails to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Show is back in control, hitting Ryback with a big chop. Ryback fights back with some punches and a few shoulder thrusts int he corner. Show in turn hits a boot out of the corner and drops Ryback with a clothesline. Show heads to the outside, drags Ryback to the corner and whips his knee into the ring post. Show nails an elbow to the back, then begins targeting Ryback’s left leg. Show hits a series of knees to the face and follows up with a bodyslam. He slams Ryback’s left knee into the mat and applies a version of the Haas of Pain. Ryback wills himself to the bottom rope to break the hold, but Show is right back on the attack, hitting a bodyslam that results in Ryback’s knee connecting with the top rope on the way down. Ryback pulls himself up and manages to low-bridge Show to the floor. Show gets back in at 7, and Ryback is on the attack with shoulderblocks. He ducks a clothesline, hits a Thesz press, slams the back of Show’s head into the mat and hits a Warrior Splash. Ryback goes for a falling splash from the middle, and Show catches him by the throat. He goes for the chokeslam, but Ryback escapes and hits a standing spinebuster. He signals for the Meat Hook, and that’s when a giant Russian flag drops from the ceiling. Rusev and Lana come down to ringside, and Ryback exits to the apron as Rusev gets closer. Show turns Ryback around and knocks him to the floor with a Knockout Punch. The ref starts his count, and although Ryback starts to come to, he can’t make in by 10.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: THE BIG SHOW.
Ryback rolls back into the ring as Show leaves. Rusev takes off his medal and the US title and hits the ring. He stomps Ryback in the back, then goes for the Accolade. Ryback escapes and Meat Hooks Rusev to the floor. Rusev is flipping out as Ryback is challenging him to get back in the ring.
Edge is standing in a hallway when J&J walk up, wanting to know where Christian is. Edge says he’s going to the bathroom, and asks if they’re going to go in and takes notes on that as well. Noble says that’s exactly what he’s going to do. We hear a woman scream, and Noble comes right back out. Turns out Edge was standing in front of the women’s bathroom.
MATCH 4: LOS MATADORES (DIEGO AND FERNANDO, W/EL TORITO) VS. THE MASTERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE (CESARO AND TYSON KIDD, W/NATALYA)
We get an inset promo from the Masters, with Cesaro saying they’re glad the Authority is back in power. Maybe now, they’ll get the recognition they deserve, with their resolution being to win the WWE Tag Team titles with the Usos.
Kidd starts with Diego, and Fernando tags in almost immediately. They do a series of leapfrogs, ending in a spinning neckbreaker from Fernando for 2. Cesaro makes a blind tag off an Irish whip as Fernando knocks Kidd to the floor. Cesaro drops to the floor as Fernando goes for a suicide dive, hitting him with a European uppercut in mid-air. Cesaro rolls Fernando in and tags out to Kidd, who kicks Fernando in his right leg. He lays in some forearms in the corner as Cesaro stomps him. Cesaro tags in, and the Masters hit a double back-body drop for 2. Cesaro applies a rear chinlock, which Fernando fights out of. He hits an elbow out of the corner and dives for a tag. Cesaro catches him, tags to Kidd and hits the Cesaro Swing as Kidd comes in with a seated dropkick mid-move for 2. Diego breaks up the pin, and now Cesaro has tagged back in. After some quick offense, Kidd tags in. Fernando tosses Cesaro, then tosses Kidd. Kidd lands on the apron, pulls Fernando down by the neck and goes up top. Fernando catches him mid-air with a dropkick, then crawls for the tag. Cesaro and Diego both tag in, with Diego hitting a series of spinning headbutts. Out of the corner, Diego hits a headstand into a headscissors. He ducks a clothesline, flips into Cesaro for a hurricanrana, and Cesaro holds on. Kidd tags in and comes off the top for a combination powerbomb/blockbuster for 3.
WINNERS: THE MASTERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE.
Kidd celebrates with Cesaro, completely ignoring Natalya in the process.
MATCH 5: CURTIS AXEL VS. DEAN AMBROSE
Hey, Axel still works here! And Ambrose is looking more and more like Brian Pillman with that hair. Ambrose hits the ring and immediately assaults Axel. The bell hasn’t even rang yet. Axel escapes to the floor, but Ambrose continues the attack. Axel tries to fight back, but Ambrose is having none of it. Ambrose rolls him into the ring, boots him and hits Dirty Deeds.
WINNER: NO CONTEST.
Ambrose gets a mic and says he hopes Bray Wyatt is listening. Ambrose heads up the ramp and says they have the first-ever RAW ambulance match. He heads to the stage, where an ambulance is parked. He says he’s going to crack the windshield with Wyatt’s face before running him over, breaking every one of Wyatt’s fingers. Then, he’s going to run him over again. He’ll tie him to the bumper and drag him all over. Then, he’s going to drag Wyatt’s lifeless body, throw him into the back, step on the gas, and the two of them will take a one-way trip to Happy New Year Hell.
We get a video from the Ascension. They say first there were Hawk and Animal, the Road Warriors. Then, there were Ax and Smash, Demolition. Now, there are Konnor and Viktor, the Ascension. Welcome to the Wasteland.
The names of the Ascension’s opponents are never revealed, but they are former ROH World Tag Team Champion Rhett Titus and Lance Anao’i, yet another member of the Samoan Clan (cousin of the Usos). Titus and Vikto start, with Viktor tossing Titus to the corner for an assault. Konnor tags in, and the Ascension stomp Titus down. Konnor hits a forearm and a chop, then another forearm before tagging in Viktor. Viktor continues the assault as Konnor comes back in, and the two beal Titus across the ring. Lance tags in, and Konnor hits them with a double avalanche after tagging in Viktor. The Ascension hit the Fall of Man and Viktor gets 3.
WINNERS: THE ASCENSION.
Christian and Edge are in an office. J&J walk in and begin to tear the office apart and replace the decorations, saying E&C’s time is almost up. They appreciate E&C stopping by, and they can escort themselves out. As J&J leave, Edge pulls out a pair of Sharpies, and they proceed to draw all over a poster for the new cover of Muscle & Fitness, featuring the Authority. Edge makes me laugh by writing “I (Heart) HBK” on Triple H’s arm.
MATCH 7: ROMAN REIGNS VS. WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION RUSEV (W/LANA) (NON-TITLE)
I’m guessing this will end in a DQ, since every Reigns/Rusev match thus far has. The two lock up, and Rusev backs Reigns into the corner. He gives a clean break, then goes for a cheap shot, which Reigns ducks. They lock up again, and Rusev once again backs Reigns into the corner. Rusev stomps Reigns down in the corner, but Reigns comes back with body blows. He misses a short-arm, and Rusev takes him down with a pair of waistlocks. Reigns fights out with back elbows and uppercuts before clotheslining Rusev to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev has Reigns in a front chancery. Reigns breaks it by ramming Rusev into the buckles. He reverses a corner whip and goes for a splash. Rusev backdrops him, but Reigns lands on the apron, where he hits a hotshot. Back in, Reigns goes for a corner charge, misses and collides with the ring post. Rusev hits a release German suplex, then a modified suplex for 2. Rusev goes back to the waistlock, which Reigns quickly breaks free of. Rusev drops him with a back elbow, then proceeds to stomp him down. Rusev applies a rear chinlock, but Reigns gets back to his feet quickly. Rusev hits a kneelift, then runs into a big uppercut. Rusev recovers and hits a fall-away slam for 2. Rusev applies a head-and-arm, and Reigns is fading. He starts to stir after a minute and manages to break the hold. Rusev hits him with a kneelift and throws him to the corner. Reigns puts on the breaks, so Rusev kicks him in the gut. Rusev tries it again, Reigns once again blocks and hits a few rights. Rusev tosses Reigns outside, and Reigns gets pissed. He charges back into the ring, so Rusev does it again. Once again, Reigns charges into the ring. He shoves Rusev back and hits a leaping clothesline. Reigns connects with a corner clothesline and a diving schoolboy for 3. Rusev escapes a Samoan drop, so Reigns hits him with a back suplex for 2. Reigns signals for the Superman Punch, but runs into a dropkick for 2. Rusev signals for the big kick, which Reigns blocks. Reigns nails an uppercut, then hits a Superman Punch off the ropes. Rusev goes flying out to the floor, and Reigns follows. He rolls Rusev back in, and that’s when the Big Show comes down to ringside. Reigns sees him and hits him with a Superman Punch. Back in the ring, Rusev hits the jumping side kick for 2. He’s back to his feet first, and he calls for it once more. Reigns sidesteps it and hits the spear. He goes for the pin, but Show pulls him out to the floor and launches him into the barricade, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: ROMAN REIGNS.
Can I call it or what? Show grabs Reigns once more and throws him into the barricade by the timekeeper’s area. Show picks Reigns up again, throws him into another barricade, then puts Reigns down with a spear of his own. Show begins to tear up the announce desk, then picks Reigns up by the throat. He goes for a chokeslam through the desk, but Reigns escapes and slams Show’s face into the desk. Reigns gets up and hits his apron kick on Show. Show gets up and charges at Reigns, who sidesteps him, sending Show flying over the announce desk. Turning the tables (literally) on Show from RAW, Reigns then dumps the announce desk onto Show.
End of show.