The show kicks off with the new Intercontinental Champion, Kevin Owens. Michael Cole is the lead announcer this week instead of Mauro Ranallo, so I’m already in for a long night. Cole explains Ranallo is sick, but will be back next week, so at least this is only temporary. Owens is on commentary for the opening bout.
MATCH 1: DOLPH ZIGGLER AND THE LUCHA DRAGONS (WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION KALISTO & SIN CARA) VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO, RUSEV AND SHEAMUS (W/KING BARRETT)
For those that don’t know, Barrett asked for and was granted his release, so this will probably be the last time I recap something he’s involved in. I don’t blame him for wanting to leave. WWE has blown it with him time and time again, and this stupid LoN gimmick has resulted in him doing nothing but be a corner man for three much less talented workers. How badly they have blown it with Barrett is on par with some of the incredibly stupid things TNA has done, like the complete mismanagement of Joey Ryan. Anyway, I just felt like venting. Rant over. Now, onto yet another damn 6-man match.
Kalisto and Rusev start the match. Rusev throws Kalisto to the corner, misses a charge and receives a few kicks. He misses a kick off the ropes and gets hit with a few more before being put down with a dropkick to the knee. Kalisto hits yet more kicks, then dives off the middle with a tornado DDT for 2. Sin Cara tags in and monkey flips Kalisto onto Rusev for 2. Rusev comes back with a knee and tags in ADR, who runs into a spinning headscissors. Cara hits a few kicks and an Asai moonsault for 2. ADR comes back with a kick. Cara counters a corner whip with a sunset flip for 2. Kalisto comes off the top with a missile dropkick, sending ADR to the floor. Sheamus comes in and gets dropkicked outside. The Dragons then hit a pair of suicide dives as Ziggler holds the ropes open for them. Rusev comes in and gets low-bridged. Ziggler then comes off the top with Dean Ambrose’s flying elbow. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev and Cara are legal, and Rusev has Cara in a rear chinlock. Cara frees himself with a jawbreaker, but Rusev recovers and hits a bodyslam. ADR tags in and comes off the top with a double axe handle before knocking Kalisto off the apron. Cara runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2 before ADR applies a rear chinlock. Cara fights out with some weak shots before ADR stomps him. Cara gets sent shoulder-first into the ring post before Sheamus tags in. Sheamus beats Cara down in the corner, then distracts the ref for some cheap shots from his partners. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse, holds on, hits a second, then does it a third time for 2. Rusev back in and applies a front chancery. He turns it into a side headlock and tags in ADR, who comes off the top, getting hit with a dropkick in mid-air. Ziggler and Sheamus tag in. Ziggler connects with two clotheslines, a corner splash and a neckbreaker. The Shot to the Heart connects for 2, and then Ziggler goes fo rthe superkick. Sheamus blocks and goes for a back suplex. Ziggler lands on his feet and suckers Sheamus into the corner, causing him to collide shoulder-first with the post. Ziggler then plants Sheamus with a leaping DDT for 2 as ADR breaks it up. Cara knocks ADR to the floor with a dropkick, then goes for a slingshot plancha. ADR moves, Cara lands on his feet, then gets blasted with a roundhouse from Rusev. Kalisto tries for a hurricanrana on ADR from the apron, but ADR catches him and slings him into the barricade. Back in the ring, Ziggler ducks a Brogue Kick and rolls Sheamus up for 2. Ziggler connects with a rocker dropper on the first try for 2. Can’t recall the last time that happened. ADR tries to interfere, but eats a hotshot. Rusev tries the same and gets superkicked back down. That’s when Owens leaves the announce desk and distracts Ziggler, allowing Sheamus to level him with a Brogue Kick for 3.
WINNERS: ALBERTO DEL RIO, RUSEV AND SHEAMUS.
We get a video package for Brock Lesnar’s return to Smackdown tonight, for the first time in 12 years.
Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns will face the Dudley Boyz in tonight’s main event.
MATCH 2: TAMINA (W/NAOMI) VS. SASHA BANKS
Apparently, Tamina and Noami are now using “Unity” as a catchphrase. Because why the f*ck wouldn’t they? The match starts, and Tamina hits a kneelift out of a lock-up before whipping Banks down by the hair. Tamina whips her across the ring by the hair, then throws her down face-first onto the mat for 2. Banks tries to flip out of a back suplex, but overdoes it and lands right on her ass. She pulls herself up in the corner, blocks a charge, blocks a second, then kicks Tamina in the knee. She hits a double-knee to the chest, then does it again. Even as a face, Banks’ offense consists of mainly kicks and knees. She proves me right by hitting a third double-knee for 2. Naomi jumps on the apron and gets a forearm to the face. Banks then ducks a shot from Tamina and catches her with a bodyscissors into a bulldog, which she then immediately turns into the Banks Statement for the submission win.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS.
Naomi clobbers Banks from behind, then dances or something before pounding on Banks. Team BAD double-team Banks for a moment until Becky Lynch runs down and clears the ring. She tries to help Banks up afterward, but Banks shoves her off and leaves the ring.
After some commercials, we see Lynch confront Banks in the back, wanting to know what the hell is going on. Lynch says if they keep this up, they will lose at Fastlane. If Team BAD wins at Fastlane, they’ll ride that momentum into Wrestlemania. Lynch says she has been dreaming about going to Wrestlemania her whole life and wants her moment. Banks says she wants the same thing. Lynch says they need each other’s help. Lynch has been trying, but if Banks can’t keep her ego in check, Lynch is done here. Banks points out that they’re not friends, but she hates losing. She then offers a handshake, and they agree to “kick lass like a boss.”
Chris Jericho comes out, and he’s got gear on, so we can assume this segment will lead into a match. He says he has an answer for the question of whether or not there will be Jericho/Styles III at Fastlane. Jericho has an answer, but first, he wants to bring AJ Styles out so he can give Styles an answer to his face.
Instead of Styles, we get the Miz. Miz says everyone is sick of watching Jericho and Styles “play footsie”. #JEEZUS, do I hate this man. Miz then says instead of hearing about that, everyone wants to hear an important announcement he has to make. Jericho asks if that announcement will be that he’s taking two weeks off and then quitting the business. He then begs Miz to quit. Jericho knows. Miz assures us he’s not quitting. His major announcement is not only that he was the guest of honor at some Playboy mansion party (the party was real, but he was never there), but Jericho doesn’t need to worry about Styles, because Jericho has a scheduled match with the real A-lister, right now. Miz tries for a cheap shot, but Jericho sees it coming and wails on Miz before throwing him to the floor.
MATCH 3: CHRIS JERICHO VS. THE MIZ
Miz shoves Jericho, so Jericho chops him several times. Miz brakes off an Irish whip and bails to the floor. Jericho chases him back in, misses a clothesline and connects with a back chop off the ropes. Jericho hits delayed vertical, then nails a forearm. Jericho sends him in for a corner clothesline. Jericho mounts the buckles for some punches, then lands another chop. Miz gets whipped again, but avoids the charge and causes Jericho to crash into the ring post. Miz stomps Jericho down, then goes into a foot-choke. Man, Miz has some exciting offense. Miz connects flails in the air and connects with a hanging clothesline for 2, rakes at Jericho’s nose before applying a rear chinlock. Jericho escapes and sends Miz into the ropes, but Miz rebounds with a shoulder. He celebrates too long, allowing Jericho to nail a dropkick. Miz gets sent to the corner again, where he backdrops Jericho outside. Jericho lands on the apron and heads up top, only to have Miz catch him with some lefts. Miz goes up for a superplex, but Jericho headbutts him down before connecting with a flying cross-body for 2. Jericho puts on the brakes off an Irish whip and low-bridges Miz to the floor. Miz is back up, and Jericho dropkicks him back down from the middle buckle. Jericho sends Miz into the barricade with a dropkick through the ropes before rolling him back in. Miz kicks the ropes as Jericho comes back in, then catches him with a trio of boots to the face. Commercials.
Back from the break, Miz rakes at Jericho’s nose again, then applies a rear chinlock. Again. Jericho frees himself before Miz blocks a clothesline and hits the Reality Check for 2. That’s a move Miz has been using for years, yet still doesn’t know how to get his opponent up off the backbreaker high enough to not make the neckbreaker look like complete garbage. Miz goes back to the chinlock, because of course he does. Those 10 seconds of action took a lot out of him. Jericho tries to fight out before catching a knee to the gut. Miz sends him outside, but Jericho once again lands on the apron, then comes off the top with a double axe handle. Miz blocks a clothesline off the ropes and goes for the Reality Check again, this time in super slo-mo, which allows Jericho to escape and catch Miz in the Walls. Miz spins free, misses a clothesline and gets caught with a step-up enziguri for 2. Remember when that was Jericho’s finisher for some reason? Miz gets back up and gets sent to the corner, where Jericho catches him with a running facebuster. Jericho misses the Lionsault, and Miz capitalizes with a snap DDT for 2. Miz waves his hands like a jackass, setting up the SCF. Jericho fights out and hits a tigerbreaker for 2. Jericho slaps Miz around before running into a big boot for 2. Miz puts baby in the corner and grinds his forearm into Jericho’s face before going for the hanging clothesline again. Jericho catches him in mid-air and turns him over into the Walls of Jericho. Miz almost immediately taps.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO.
When was the last time Jericho won with the Walls, let alone got such a quick tap-out?
Jericho grabs a mic and congratulates Miz before declaring himself the winner. Back to business, Jericho tells AJ Styles to come out so he can answer Styles’ question.
Styles comes out moments later, and Jericho says he knows why Styles challenged him to a rematch. There’s a saying in WWE: you’re only as good as your last match. As far as they are concerned, in their last match, Jericho won. Styles is requesting a rematch because he wants to make a name for himself, but he’ll have to do it with someone else than Y2J. Jericho respects him and calls him one of the best in the world. But, while Jericho respects Styles, he doesn’t like him and doesn’t want to do him any favors. So, to the point, will Jericho accept the rematch? The answer is “no”. Styles asks if there’s anything to do to change Jericho’s mind, and Jericho shakes his head “no”, so Styles slugs him and knocks him to the floor with a flurry of strikes. Jericho gets back on the apron as Styles tosses him a mic. Styles asks him what he says now, and Jericho says that was a stupid move. Styles wants a rematch at Fastlane? He’s got it. But, Styles is going to regret it.
After a clip of what happened on RAW, we’re backstage with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose. Reigns says Ambrose got a little crazy on him on RAW, but in Ambrose’s defense, he had a rough night. Ambrose says he’s fine. It’s been a long week. He just wants to get out in the ring and do their thing. Reigns fist-bumps him and starts to walk away before telling him not to try and pull the Dirty Deeds again. Ambrose says he can’t take a joke, then walks away. The camera continues to follow him as he runs into Paul Heyman. Ambrose tries to be friendly with Heyman, and Heyman acts nervous. Heyman says he respects Reigns, and because of that respect, he feels he should tell Reigns’ brother that his client, Brock Lesnar is here tonight. He’s in a bad mood, and he’s looking for Ambrose. Ambrose pretends to be upset and begs Heyman for advice. Heyman doesn’t have any, so Ambrose says he just has to figure it out on his own. He then tells Heyman to tell Lesnar to not keep him waiting too long.
Fastlane is going to feature a talk show segment, as the New Day will be on the Cutting Edge Peep Show with Edge and Christian. Clearly, this PPV is one not to miss.
Speaking of the New Day, Jojo is standing by with them. She reminds them of the PPV and asks how they’re preparing for the show. They go into a rant about being musicians and not needing practice. Kofi Kingston says Edge and Christian have gone out of style. Then they start chanting about GIFs and do a victory pose.
Video package for Charlotte. Great worker, horrible talker.
MATCH 4: NATALYA VS. WWE DIVAS CHAMPION CHARLOTTE (W/RIC FLAIR)
Nattie hits a few moves before Charlotte catches a headscissors. Nattie kips up, and we have a stand-off before Charlotte “Wooos” in Nattie’s face. Nattie hits a hip throw before getting yanked down by the hair. Charlotte misses a corner charge and Nattie hits her with what starts as a slingshot back suplex, but ends with Charlotte being dropped square on her ass. Nattie runs over her neck and hits a basement dropkick. Charlotte tries to flee, but Nattie pulls her back in. Commercials.
Back from the break, Charlotte blocks a kick and taunts Nattie, but Nattie reverses into an Indian deathlock. Charlotte breaks free and applies a side headlock. Nattie escapes and hits a butterfly suplex, sending Charlotte to the floor. Nattie follows up with a baseball slide to the back. She rolls Charlotte back in before Charlotte bails right back to the floor. Nattie heads back out, where Charlotte levels her with a big boot. Back in the ring, Charlotte gets a 2-count, then applies a bodyscissors. Nattie turns onto her stomach, where Charlotte locks in a guillotine. Nattie muscles herself up to her feet, but Charlotte shifts positions into a cross-body for 2. She misses the Flair Knee, and Nattie levels her with a discus clothesline. Charlotte gets sent to the floor with a release German, and Nattie follows. However, Charlotte pulls the ring skirt from under Nattie, causing Nattie to fall and her knee to collide with the apron. Back in, Charlotte hits a double-leg and locks in the Figure-8 for the submission win.
Charlotte celebrates by mocking the “Yes!” point. Brie runs down, but Charlotte pounces on her. Brie kicks away from the Figure-8, then hits Daniel Bryan’s Yes Kicks. Michael Cole even referrs to them as such, proving Brie cannot get over on her own and has to co-opt everything her husband did yet again. Brie sets up Brie Mode, but Charlotte bails to the floor. Fortunately, she is leaving soon, and then I’ll never have to recap another Brie Bella segment. And, with the added bonus of Nikki Bella likely retiring, I’ll probably never have to cover her segments anymore, either. Everything’s turning up Milhouse!
R-Truth is on the phone with his woman. He hangs up when he sees someone off camera. The camera pans over to show Goldust dressed in hip-hop gear. He refers to himself as “Dusta Rhymes”, then continues trying to convince Truth to be his partner by doing a rap. Truth says Goldust is onto something, then mocks him with a rap and says they aren’t partners.
We get the announcement that Styles/Jericho III is official for this Sunday. The excitement for that is quickly dissipated by the announcement of the Big Show, Kane and Ryback vs. Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman. That has the potential to be the second-worst six-man in history, right behind Los Psycho Circus vs. Los Villanos.
This coming Monday night on RAW, someone will be presented with the first-ever Vincent J. McMahon Legacy of Excellence Award. If it’s not Vincent K. McMahon or Triple H, I will be shocked.
MATCH 5: THE DUDLEY BOYZ (BUBBA RAY AND D-VON) VS. DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS
Ambrose and D-Von start, with D-Von clubbing away. Ambrose ducks a clothesline and hits a cross-body into some punches. Ambrose nails a corner clothesline and a running bulldog for 2. Bubba tags in shoves Reigns on the apron before trash-talking him. Reigns starts to come in illegally, then tags himself in. Bubba continues being a fat loudmouth, then hits a knee to the gut and an elbow to the back of the neck. Reigns catches him in a fireman’s carry, but Bubba escapes. Reigns nails him with an uppercut and drops him with a neckbreaker. Ambrose tags in, and the duo hit a double suplex. D-Von comes in, and he gets the same treatment before Ambrose clotheslines him to the floor while Reigns does the same to Bubba. Commercials.
Back from the break, Bubba has Ambrose in a neck vice. He throws Ambrose to the corner for a tag to D-Von, who hits Ambrose with a spinning back elbow. D-Von beats Ambrose down in the corner, then chucks him to the floor. With the ref distracted, Bubba slams Ambrose face-first into the announce desk before rolling him back in for a 2-count by D-Von. Bubba tags in and hits Ambrose in the gut. Ambrose sells it loudly, doing the late “Iron” Mike Sharpe proud in the process. Bubba sets Ambrose on the top rope for a hanging neckbreaker, dropping Ambrose into a tree of woe in the process. Bubba hits a few rights and follows up with another neckbreaker. D-Von tags in and chokes Ambrose over the top rope before pounding on him in the corner. D-Von hits a snapmare and a running fist drop for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Ambrose fights back before D-Von clubs him. Bubba tags in and hits a bodyslam before doing more trash-talking. Bubba climbs to the second rope and taunts Reigns. The distraction allows Ambrose to recover and try for a superplex. Bubba knocks him down and then misses a senton bomb. Reigns and D-Von tag in, with Reigns hitting a trio of clotheslines on D-Von and a Samoan drop on an incoming Bubba. D-Von receives 9 corner clotheslines and an uppercut before Reigns signals for the Superman Punch.
That’s when Brock Lesnar’s music hits. He and Paul Heyman come out, and the brief distraction allows the Dudleyz to attack Reigns and Ambrose from behind. Bubba calls for the 3-D on Reigns and set it up, only to have Reigns rebound with a Superman Punch on D-Von. Bubba lays him out with a big boot. Ambrose comes off the top with a flying elbow on Bubba, then hits D-Von on out the outside with a suicide dive. He turns around, only to have Lesnar knee him in the gut. Lesnar then sends him into the barricade, leading to the DQ.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS.
Reigns goes after Lesnar, and Lesnar responds by trying to ram Reigns into the barricade. Reigns continues wailing on him, and now Ambrose has joined in as well. Reigns rolls Lesnar into the ring, where Lesnar takes them both to Suplex City, B*tch. Lesnar taunts a bit, then turns around into a Superman Punch. Reigns goes for the spear, but Lesnar sidesteps him and sends him crashing into Ambrose. Ambrose boots Reigns and tries for Dirty Deeds, but Reigns counters with a Samoan drop. Lesnar then grabs Reigns and plants him with an F-5.
Lesnar starts to leave, and that’s when “King of Kings” starts blaring. Triple H comes out and proceeds to have a stare-down with Lesnar.
END OF SHOW.