*Author’s note: I apologize for the one-day delay. Kind of what happens when you air a show on New Year’s Eve. Even sober people like me aren’t watching wrestling on New Year’s Eve.*
This week on WWE SmackDown the main event will see Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns face Sheamus and Kevin Owens. Is Teddy Long in the building tonight?
The show opens with the New Day. As they make their entrance, we see how Big E f**ked up Sin Cara’s shoulder. Xavier Woods says New Year is their favorite time of year. New Year’s Day is a special new day. E then starts talking about New Year’s Eve. Their first resolution of 2016 is “nobody”. They’re apparently perfect. They’re the champs, so they don’t need to change; it’s the WWE Universe that needs to change. Kofi Kingston says in 2015, they were greatness personified. Somehow, they didn’t win the Slammy for “Tag Team of the Year”. They realize in 2016, nothing will change unless the WWE Universe can learn to appreciate greatness. They will learn today. E says to avoid another catastrophe like the Slammys, they’ve compiled resolutions for the fans. 1: each member of the Universe will be required to wear glasses and hearing aids, because they need to see and hear all the greatness. 2: the entire Universe will be required to keep a New Day journal. In order to not forget any of the greatness, the fans will have to write it all down. 3: each morning, everyone should have a “spring in their booty” and a song in their hearts, and that song should be…New. Day Rocks.
The Lucha Dragons come out to interrupt. Kalisto says the Universe knows what it’s doing. The New Day are a cute team that deserve each other. The Slammys are for the people. Sin Cara says something in Spanish, then says the Dragons are challenging all three of them to a match now. Woods points out Cara is injured, then asks what kind of match. Kalisto says they have some friends. Let’s get the party started. That’s when the Dudley Boyz come out.
MATCH 1: THE NEW DAY (WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS BIG E, KOFI KINGSTON AND XAVIER WOODS) VS. KALISTO AND THE DUDLEY BOYZ (BUBBA RAY & D-VON, W/SIN CARA)
D-Von and Woods start with a lock-up. D-Von applies a side headlock, then an arm wringer, back to a headlock, into a hip throw before covering Woods for 2. D-Von blocks a punch, hits a couple of his own, then comes off the ropes with a spinning back elbow. He follows up with a clothesline, a bodyslam and a legdrop for 2. Bubba tags in, and the Boyz hit a double flapjack. Bubba jerks Woods’ arm a few times before Woods gets in a few shots. E tags in and nails Bubba with a clothesline. Bubba turns around into a belly-to-belly for 2 before Kofi tags in. Kofi kicks Bubba in the face, then attacks him with rights in the corner. Bubba blocks a charge, snaps off some jabs and hits the Flip, Flop and Fly. E comes in and gets clotheslined. Woods eats a big boot. Kofi gets hit with a bodyslam before D-Von tags in. D-Von tags Kalisto, and they set Kofi up for the Wassup?! from Kalisto. Bubba shoves his partners and calls for a table. Kalisto grabs Kofi on the apron, where E yanks him face-first onto the apron, by way of jerking his arm. Kofi rolls Kalisto back in for 2, then sets up what is now apparently called the Unicorn Stampede before ending with E sending Kofi in for a basement dropkick in the corner. Kofi hits a big kick for 2, then applies a half-nelson/chinlock combo. Kofi goes for a bodyslam, but Kalisto escapes and hits the other members of the New Day before rolling Kofi up. Kofi, however, tags out to E, who comes in and knocks Kalisto down with a clothesline. Commercials.
Back from the break, Woods hits a low reverse STO (think Eva Marie’s finisher, only done correctly) for 2. Woods hits a snapmare and tags in Kofi. Woods hits a basement clothesline before Kofi hits a jumping stomp. E tags in and hits a Warrior Splash to the back for 2. E connects with a kneelift and throws Kalisto outside. Kalisto lands on his feet, nails a kick, then suckers E in for an attack, sidestepping him and sending him to the floor. Bubba and Woods tag in, with Bubba getting in a couple clotheslines and a back-body drop. D-Von makes a blind tag and they hit the 3-D #2. D-Von attacks an incoming Kofi and E before Woods tries for a roll-up. D-Von blocks it and hits him with a standing spinebuster (which Booker T, a former practitioner of the spinebuster, stupidly calls a sidewalk slam). Bubba tags in and mounts the middle rope before Kalisto tags in. Kalisto climbs on Bubba’s shoulders and hits a sit-down splash before turning a spinning headscissors into a DDT. E charges in, gets sent into the corner, then turns around into the 3-D. Kofi tags in, misses a springboard clothesline, and gets caught with the Salida del Sol for 3.
WINNERS: THE DUDLEY BOYZ AND KALISTO.
Bubba slides his “Happy New Year” table into the ring for D-Von and Kalisto to set up. The Boyz then superbomb Woods through it.
John Cena will return to Smackdown next week.
MATCH 2: GOLDUST VS. TYLER BREEZE (W/SUMMER RAE)
Goldust backs Breeze to the corner, who then reverses and misses a punch. Goldust nails an uppercut, hits a shoulder, steps over Breeze, psyches him out, hits a couple armdrags, then chops him in the corner. Breeze avoids a corner bulldog with a jumping kick to the face, then yanks Goldust’s arm over the middle rope. He comes back into the ring to work on the arm a bit more before Goldust fires off a couple punches. He catches Breeze with a spinebuster off the ropes, ducks a clothesline and goes for the drop-down uppercut. Breeze sees it coming, nails a punch, then runs into a snap powerslam. Goldust mounts the buckles for some punches, then follows up with an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Breeze heads to the floor, where he grabs Goldust by the arm and whips it into the ring post. Back int he ring, Goldust hits another uppercut before being pulled face-first into the middle buckle. Breeze then stacks Goldust up and gets 3 with his feet on the ropes.
WINNER: TYLER BREEZE.
Rae starts talking, and I die a little inside. She and Breeze apparently have an announcement. She points out some noteworthy things from 2015, then says what they will tell us is way bigger. It’s a shocker. Breeze grabs the mic and says to celebrate the new year, Rae and himself have decided to go their separate ways. They’re going to leave us with one last “gorgeous selfie”.
So…who are they going to randomly pair Rae with to justify her employment now?
Bo Dallas is in the back, and he comes across Curtis Axel. He says Axel has had a terrible year, but can turn it around with the right new year’s re-BO-lution. Axel says he was never eliminated from the 2015 Royal Rumble, and when the same happens in 2016, he’ll have been in the Rumble for two years straight (Um…that’s only one year, pal), then he’ll go onto Wrestlemania to win the World title. Dallas tells him to wear deodorant, and he’ll soar high if he just “BOlieves”. He then signs some woman’s hand before before Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler says Dallas’ revolution should be to stop dressing like Baby New Year. Dallas says it sounds like Ziggler is joking, but it’s hard to tell, because he never says anything funny. Ziggler says Dallas should be getting ready for his match against Ziggler. All he has to do…Ziggler walks away, then comes back like he’s going to hit a superkick before stopping himself and saying, “…Is BOlieve” in a tone that sounds so much like Dallas’ stupid cracking voice, it’s eerie.
MATCH 3: THE USOS (JEY AND JIMMY) VS. LUKE HARPER AND BRAUN STROWMAN (W/ERICK ROWAN)
Harper and an Uso start, with Harper backing the Uso into the corner. He then hits an uppercut, misses a pair of elbows and gets hit with a cross-body. Uso hits an uppercut, gets sent into the ropes, makes a blind tag, ducks a clothesline, then hits a superkick after the other Uso hits an uppercut. The legal Uso goes for a move off the ropes, but Strowman is standing in his way on the apron. Uso nails him, then turns around into a scrapbuster for 2. Strowman tags in and slams Uso into the corner twice. Strowman kicks Uso in the gut, then hits a bodyslam. Strowman hits a second one, then knee-chokes Uso against the ropes before tagging in Harper, who catapults Uso under the middle rope for 2. Harper applies a version of an Indian deathlock before Uso breaks free with headbutts. Harper drags him to the corner for a tag, and Strowman comes in with a stomp. He chokes Uso with his scrawny-ass leg (seriously, his legs are pathetic for as big as he is), then runs into an uppercut in the corner. Strowman no-sells before bieling Uso across the ring. He then applies a trapezius claw before (apparently) Jimmy grabs him by the beard and counters the hold with a jawbreaker. Jimmy then turns around into a big clothesline before Harper tags in for 2. Harper applies a rear chinlock, but Jimmy fights out and hits a reverses Dragon Whip. Strowman tags back in and throws Jimmy to the corner. Jimmy sidesteps a charge, causing Strowman to run shoulder-first into the post. Harper and Jey tag in, with Jey hitting a pair of clotheslines, a superkick to the gut and an uppercut. He ducks a clothesline and hits a Samoan drop. The corner hip attack connects for 2. Harper hits a chop to the throat and tags in Strowman. Harper gets low-bridged to the floor before Jey hits a suicide dive on him, while tagging out to Jimmy. Back in the ring, Jimmy climbs to the top and dives over Strowman. He hits two superkicks, then gives one to an incoming Rowan. Strowman recovers, blocks another superkick, locks in his “chokehold” and gets the submission win.
WINNERS: LUKE HARPER AND BRAUN STROWMAN.
MATCH 4: NAOMI AND TAMINAVS. BRIE BELLA AND ALICIA FOX
Tag match #3 tonight. Teddy Long is definitely booking this show. Brie and Tamina start with a lock-up, with Tamina muscling Brie to the mat. Brie goes for a leg and gets clubbed across the back before getting shoved. She manages to duck a clothesline and hits a few kick to the leg. Fox tags in and hits a couple forearms before Tamina knocks her down. Fox avoids a corner charge and turns it into a sunset flip for 2. She connects with a pair of Dropsh*ts, then goes for an Irish whip. Tamina reverses, eats a boot, then gets caught in a neckbreaker. However, Tamina muscles her over her shoulder, then drops her with a superkick for 2. Tamina clubs Fox down, then hits a bodyslam for 2. Fox hits a few weak gut shots before getting thrown to the corner. She avoids a splash before Naomi tags in. Fox makes the tag, and Brie comes off the middle with a missile dropkick. She rips off her husband’s kicks, badly, misses the Buzzsaw, ducks a clothesline, avoids the Rear View and sets up the facebuster. Naomi crawls between her legs and sets herself up for Brie Mode, but gets shoved out of the way by Tamina, who takes the move. Naomi grabs Brie from behind and goes for a bulldog, but gets shoved off, landing on the middle buckle in the process. Brie hits weak kick to the gut and hits the facebuster for 3.
WINNERS: BRIE BELLA AND ALICIA FOX.
MATCH 5: BO DALLAS VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
Whatever happened to WWE’s annual bloodletting after Wrestlemania? If they brought it back, Dallas would have to be one of the first on the chopping block. Ziggler starts with an arm wringer, then turns it into a cravat, into a pinning combination for 2. Ziggler gets another one out of a headlock for 2, then gets a headlock from Dallas. Dallas hits a shoulder off the ropes, then heads to the floor to celebrate and run a victory lap. Back in the ring, Ziggler nails a dropkick and a neckbreaker. He misses a splash in the corner, and Dallas covers for 2. Dallas clubs Ziggler across the chest a couple times before applying a rear chinlock. Booker T points out Dallas’ gear looks like he’s wearing a diaper. Glad I’m not the only one that noticed that. Ziggler fights out of the hold, ducks a clothesline, then runs into a back elbow for 2. Dallas hits a short-arm back elbow, then another, then misses a short-arm as Ziggler rolls him up for 2. Dallas comes back with a forearm off the ropes, then connects with a back suplex for 2. He goes back to the chinlock. Ziggler tries to fight out, but gets caught with a short-arm clothesline. Dallas does a victory lap in the ring, then misses a corner splash. Ziggler nails a superkick and gets 3.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER.
MATCH 6: WWE WORLD CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS AND INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. KEVIN OWENS AND SHEAMUS
I find it odd that the World Champion came out first. Sheamus and Reigns start with a lock-up. They jockey for position until Reigns turns it into a hammerlock. Sheamus elbows out and hits a European uppercut before throwing Reigns to the corner. Reigns blocks a whip and hits a few strikes before Sheamus comes back with a few of his own. Reigns catches him in a fireman’s carry, but Sheamus escapes. Reigns hits him and connects with a quick swinging neckbreaker. He sends Sheamus to the floor and tags in Ambrose, who nails a suicide dive. Back in the ring. Sheamus kicks Ambrose and tags in Owens, who beats Ambrose down. Ambrose ducks a short-arm, connects with a forearm, a clothesline, a corner forearm and a running bulldog. He sets up Dirty Deeds, but Owens escapes to the floor. Ambrose follows and slams him into the announce desk, followed by a throw into the barricade. Ambrose starts tearing up the desk, then grabs Owens by the ears. He looks for a powerbomb, but Owens rams him back-first into the apron. Commercials.
Back from the break, Owens stomps Ambrose down, then punches him in the side of the head. Owens hits a crossface, then locks in a rear chinlock. Owens then drives his knee into Ambrose’s back. Ambrose fights to his feet and breaks free, but Owens catches him with a kneelift and rams him into the corner. Sheamus tags in hits a standing suplex. Sheamus drops across Ambrose’s back, then applies a chinlock with his knee in Ambrose’s spine. Ambrose fights out before running into a kitchen sink. Sheamus throws Ambrose to the apron for the 10 Beats of the Bodhran, hitting forearms to the back in between chest shots. Sheamus sets up White Noise, which Ambrose turns into a sunset flip for 2. Sheamus backs Ambrose to the corner and tags in Owens. Ambrose fights Sheamus off and sends him shoulder-first into the post, then hits the Lunatic Lariat on Owens. Reigns and Sheamus tag in, with Reigns hitting two clotheslines and a jumping one off the ropes. Reigns hits ten more clotheslines in the corner, ducks one from Sheamus and connects with a Samoan drop. He loads up the Superman Punch before hitting an incoming Owens with an uppercut. Sheamus rolls Reigns up for 2 before getting blasted with a Superman Punch. He calls for the spear, but Owens grabs his legs and crotches him around the post, leading to the DQ.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS.
Sheamus and Owens continue attacking Reigns after the match. The two throw him into the ring steps, then Sheamus tosses him over the announce desk. Ambrose wipes Sheamus out with a slingshot plancha before Owens drops him with a superkick. Owens sets part of the ring steps next to the desk, looking for a powerbomb as Sheamus makes him watch. Reigns fights Sheamus off and blasts Owens with a Superman Punch. Ambrose then throws Sheamus face-first into the ring post before Reigns cuts through him with a spear.
END OF SHOW.