WWE SmackDown opens up on Roman Reigns, mid-promo, talking about the Wyatt Family reunion at Battleground. Reigns doesn’t ask for help, but when it comes to family, he can do family vs. family. Do the fans want to see a family war? It’s very simple: If the Wyatts are man enough to face Reigns…and his psychotic brother, Dean Ambrose at Summerslam…but if Wyatt is brave enough, he’ll be picking his teeth out of his beard all night long, because he and Ambrose are bringing the fight all night long. Believe that.
Rusev and Summer Rae come out. Rusev says Reigns needs to get out of the ring, as Rusev has more important things to talk about. Reigns wants to know what that is. Rusev says Reigns has more important things to worry about, like facing him later tonight. Reigns asks if Rusev is going to talk about making his new girlfriend look like his old girlfriend, and how creepy it is. Rusev says not to talk about his “Hot Summer”. Reigns laughs. Rusev rambles on, then says he’ll call Reigns “Lana” because he reminds Rusev of him. Reigns echoes my thoughts and says no one has any clue what Rusev just said. The only thing everyone got out of that speech is that Rusev is a sexist freak. If Rusev wants to enter the ring, they can talk in a language the whole world understands. Reigns then “cocks” his fist after dropping the mic.
Henry is giving Big Show a run for his money in terms of face/heel turns. We get an inset promo from PTP about how the New Day want to cut the front of the line for a shot at the titles. Henry is there, too, and says something about how they’re in line for the “Hall of Pain”. E screams for Henry to retire. I agree. Woods and Young start with a Woods arm wringer. Young counters with a fireman’s carry and a wringer of his own. Woods counters into another arm wringer, which Young counters again. Woods breaks free and hits a dropkick. He headbutts Young, then hits a few strikes in the corner. He hits a snapmare and goes for a rear chinlock, but Young counters into a side headlock. Woods backs him to the corner and hits a quick shoulder before hitting a corner whip. Young avoids a splash and rolls him up for 2. They crisscross until Young catches Woods with an inverted atomic drop. He follows up with a quick kick for 2. Kofi tags in, but gets knocked to the apron with a punch. Young follows him out and back suplexes him on to the apron. Wrestlers really need to stop doing apron moves. Ask BJ Whitmer. Woods tries to interfere, but he gets hiptossed at ringside. E then comes around, only to be cut off by Titus and Henry. Commercials.
Back from the break, Titus is legal for his team, and he drops Kofi with a chop. He follows up with another chop in the corner, then tags in Henry. Henry hits a blow to the gut, then walks across Kofi’s chest. He throws Kofi to the corner and avalanches him before tagging in Young. Young hits a back elbow for 1. He misses a clothesline and catches a knee to the face. Kofi gets tossed to the floor after making a blind tag to E. E hits Young with a vertical splash, then stomps him down in teh corner. Woods tags in and does the same. You know this spot. Kofi’s in. Then E. Then Woods. Then Kofi. Then E. Woods tags in one more time and gets sent in by E for a low dropkick in the corner. Woods hits a fist drop for 2, then applies a cobra clutch. Young breaks free with a jawbreaker before hitting E on the apron. E and Kofi fire back, and when Young turns around, Woods nails him with a superkick. E tags in and hits a Warrior Splash for 2 as Titus breaks it up. E picks Young up for an over-the-shoulder backbreaker, but Young escapes. He ducks a clothesline and connects with an enziguri. Titus and Kofi tag in. Titus knocks Kofi down a couple times, drops Woods on the apron, then blasts Kofi with a big boot. In the corner, Titus hits an avalanche and follows up with a powerslam for 2 as E breaks it up. Young drops E with a spinning neckbreaker before getting dropkicked to the floor by Woods. Young goes for a slam on Woods, but Woods escapes and goes for an Irish whip. Henry makes the blind tag before Titus knocks Woods down. Kofi comes flying off the buckles, but Titus catches him and hits a fall-away into a World’s Strongest Slam from Henry for 3.
WINNERS: MARK HENRY AND THE PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.
WWE now has a prank show on the Network. It looks about as entertaining as you’d think (that is to say, not at all).
We see the New Day bitching about their loss in the back when New Guy stops them for an interview. He asks if this loss will move them down in regards to a shot at the tag titles. Woods says the PTP did not beat them; Henry scored the pinfall. Kofi says Henry should have retired a long time ago. E does his dumbass shtick. Kofi and Woods continue from this point before saying they’ll be the next champs. Then they start chanting.
MATCH 2: CHARLOTTE (W/BECKY LYNCH) VS. NAOMI (W/SASHA BANKS AND TAMINA)
Charlotte has an amazing entrance theme. Naomi’s is “Bloobity, bloobity, YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!” Just felt like pointing that out. The two lock up beofre Naomi hits a monkey flip. Charlotte hangs on, does the same, then floats over for 1. Naomi goes into a waistlock, which Charlotte counters. Naomi counters with a side headlock into a springboard sunset flip for 1. Charlotte answers with a roll-through for 2. In the corner, Naomi tries to ram her ass into Charlotte’s face before kicking her away. Charlotte is back up, and she drops Naomi with a chop. Naomi slaps her, so Charlotte hits a tackle and goes for the Figure-8. Banks comes in and stomps Charlotte, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: CHARLOTTE.
Lynch hits the ring and tosses Naomi to the floor. The faces then duck a clothesline attempt by Tamina before dropping her as well. We see referee Mike Chioda talking to the ring announcer, getting instructions in his ear piece. You know where this is going.
MATCH 3: CHARLOTTE AND BECKY LYNCH VS. NXT WOMEN’S CHAMPION SASHA BANKS AND NAOMI (W/TAMINA)
Charlotte goes after Banks, who immediately goes to the ropes, where she kicks Charlotte in the face. Charlotte comes back with a Thesz press and some mounted punches. She pulls Banks to her corner for a tag. Lynch comes in, and the faces hit a double hiptoss and double elbow drop. Lynch applies an arm wringer before Banks backs her to the corner. Naomi tags in and clubs Lynche before working on her left arm. Lynch comes back with an arm wringer, ducks a punch and goes for a roll-up. Naomi blocks it, so Lynch turns it into a sunset flip for 2. She follows up with an Oklahoma roll for another 2, then a crucifix for 2, and finally a dropkick. She follows up witha two legdrops, gets a blind tag, hits a revolution legdrop, then moves so Charlotte can hit a Nature Boy Knee for 2. Charlotte hits a series of rolling headscissors before Naomi tags out to Banks. Banks gets rolled up for 2 off a missed clothesline, then reverses a corner whip. Charlotte does the Flair Flip before shouldering Banks through the ropes. Banks distracts the referee, which allows Naomi to grab Charlotte’s foot. She kicks Naomi away before Tamina gets on the apron and knocks her to the floor with a superkick. Banks heads out and celebrates, despite doing absolutely nothing in the match thus far. She rolls Charlotte in for a pin, getting 2. Naomi tags in (go figure), and the heels hit a double back elbow for 2. Naomi lands a series of forearms to the face and follows up with a snapmare before kicking Charlotte in the spine. A low clothesline gets 2, and now Naomi has Charlotte in a rear chinlock. Charlotte counters with a jawbreaker, but Naomi quickly recovers and hits an enziguri for 2. Banks tags in, and the heels hit Charlotte with a pair of kicks before hair-whipping her for 2. In the corner , Charlotte backdrops Banks to the apron. Banks lands on her feet and yanks Charlotte down by the hair for 2. Banks takes a swing at Lynch and misses before hitting Charlotte with a straightjacket backcracker. She holds on, turning the move into a submission. Charlotte manages to snapmare out of it before hitting a back-body drop. Lynch and Naomi tag in, with Lynch hitting a pair of clotheslines and a couple of kicks. She hits a nice exploder suplex for 2 as Banks breaks it up. Charlotte tosses Banks before Tamina pulls Charlotte to the floor behind the ref’s back. In the ring, Lynch gets kicked in the face for 2. Naomi follows up with a bodyslam and a legdrop for 2. Naomi applies a rear chinlock with her knee in Lynch’s back. Lynch fights to her feet before eating a back elbow. Naomi applies a straightjacket, except she doesn’t appear to know what she’s doing. Commercials.
Back from the break, Lynch gets a pin on Banks for 2 before Banks slams her face into the mat. Naomi tags back in and kicks Lynch in the corner. Lynch hits a few body blows and goes for a tag, but gets tripped. Naomi drags her away from her corner, then hits a suicide legdrop for 2. She bulldogs Lynch into the middle buckle before tagging in Banks, who runs into Lynch’s back with a pair of knees for 2. Now Banks applies a straightjacket while ramming Lynch face-first into the mat. She holds on and goes for a submission. Why is this such a popular move in this match. Lynch mares out of it and tags in Charlotte. Charlotte hits a pair of chops, a modified neckbreaker and a spear for 2 as Naomi breaks it up. Naomi rolls Charlotte up for 2, even though she never made the tag, which Jerry Lawler points out. What is this, TNA? Charlotte ducks a clothesline, but then gets knocked down off the ropes. Now Jimmy Uso is even pointing out Naomi never tagged in. She goes for a pin, but Charlotte reverses for 2. They do this spot again and Naomi gets 3 with a handful of tights.
WINNERS: SASHA BANKS AND NAOMI.
That match was a f**king mess, especially at the end, with all fault squarely on the shoulders of Banks and Naomi.
MATCH 4: STARDUST VS. ZACK RYDER
Gee, I wonder if Ryder has a chance? The two lock up and jockey for position before Stardust gives a rope break. He taunts Ryder, so Ryder shoves him. Stardust clubs Ryder down before getting hit with a facebuster. Ryder follows up with a corner clothesline and a few mounted punches. He blocks a kick and whips Stardust’s leg down, only for Stardust to go into a handstand and kick Ryder with the other foot. Stardust then throws Ryder face-first into the middle buckle before standing on his face. He stomps Ryder in the ankle, then punches him before driving his knee into Ryder’s spine. He locks in a bow-and-arrow, which Ryder reverses into a pin for 2. Ryder goes for a clothesline, but Stardust blocks it and hits a sit-out uranage for 2. Stardust stomps Ryder in the leg, then goes for the uranage again. Ryder elbows out before hitting a flapjack off the ropes. Ryder connects with a couple punches and a pair of knees in the corner. A missile dropkick from the middle connects, as does a corner forearm. Ryder hits the Broski Boot and goes for the pin, only getting 2. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder, but Stardust flees to the corner, where he boots Ryder in the face. He stacks Ryder up for 2, only for Ryder to reverse into a pin of his own for 2. Stardust kicks Ryder off the ropes and connects with the Queen’s Crossbow for 3.
Stardust cuts a promo about Stephen Amell being on RAW. No one cares. He also calls Neville “The Man That Gravity Deprived”. Still no one cares.
WWE has a Demi Lovato song for the Summerslam theme, because they’re obviously in touch with their fanbase right now.
New Guy, who’s name is apparently either Rip Bronson or Rip Thomas, judging by the announce team (I’m going with Thomas, since that was [NAME REDACTED]’s character name in No Holds Barred), is standing by with the “World’s Largest Waste of a Wrestling Paycheck”, the Big Show. Show is shadow-boxing. Thomas talks about Ryback still being scheduled to fight both Show and the Miz (WHY???) in a triple threat at Summerslam for the title, despite his injury. Thomas asks Show if that’s affected his preparation going into the “pay-per-view”. Show says he’s ready to fight now. Ryback is at home, starring in his own “Rocky” movie. Show does a terrible Ryback impression. Then makes stupid jokes about movies that are currently in theaters. He calls Miz a “part-timer”, then says he’ll knock out Ryback. Much like Mark Henry, who in the blue hell is paying to see/hear this guy?
This is supposed to be the main event, yet according to my feet, there’s still about 34 minutes left in the show. I got a bad feeling about this. They stare each other down, then go into a lock-up. Rusev backs Reigns to the corner, but Reigns pushes off before breaking the hold. They lock up again, and now Reigns applies a side headlock. Rusev blocks a hip throw, then shoves Reigns into the ropes. They collide before Rusev hits a pair of shoulders. Reigns comes back with a forearm and a shoulder of his own before hitting a hip throw. Rusev breaks free by yanking the hair, then clubs Reigns across the back. He assaults Reigns in the corner, but Reigns comes back with an uppercut. He gets backdropped int he corner, lands on his feet on the apron and hits another uppercut. He pulls Rusev through the ropes and kicks him twice in the chest before pelting him with rights. Rusev grabs him by the hair and sends Reigns face-first into the post, causing him to crash to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev is driving his elbow into Reigns’ neck. He then applies a trapezius claw before dropping some more elbows for 1. He goes back to the claw, and I choke on my own bile as the cameraman won’t stop filming Rae. Reigns starts to stir and fights his way out of the hold with punches. Rusev shoves him to the corner, blocks a boot and hits a spinning back suplex for 2. Rusev drops a couple headbutts, then stomps Reigns in the chest. He mounts the middle buckle and dives off for another headbutt, but misses. The two slowly get to their feet and trade punches. Reigns gets the better of the exchange until Rusev kicks him. Rusev charges off the ropes, but so does Reigns, who hits a misdirection clothesline. They pull themselves up in opposite corners, and Reigns runs into a back elbow. He shakes it off and hits a pair of clotheslines before flying off the ropes with a third. Reigns hits his series of corner clotheslines, then knocks Rusev down with an uppercut. Rusev falls to the bottom rope, so Reigns runs around ringside and hits what is now apparently known as the Fly-By. Back in the ring, Reigns hits a release German suplex. He goes for the move again, but Rusev elbows him and tries one. Reigns blocks it before running into what is supposed to be a spinning heel kick (but is actually a spinning ass-to-the-face) for 2. Rusev gets Reigns in the corner and hits him with a series of knees before Reigns catches him, powers him up and drops him with a sit-out powerbomb for 2. Reigns gets up first and goes for the Superman Punch. Rusev meets him with a thrust kick, but Reigns just kind of haphazardly spins around and connects with it anyway before collapsing. Rae starts to make her way into the ring before the referee sees her. As she walks back down the steps, Lana marches down to ringside and spears Rae before slapping her across the face. Rusev screams at her before Reigns rolls him up for 2. As Reigns gets up, Rusev hits another thrust kick for 2. Rusev starts throwing a fit as Reigns pulls himself to his feet. He misses a third kick, and Reigns connects with a spear for 3.
WINNER: ROMAN REIGNS.
Reigns becomes the third man to pin Rusev.
Bray Wyatt appears on the TitanTron as Reigns is celebrating, and he’s clapping. He says he tried to warn Reigns. He tried to tell him that Wyatt’s hands bring Reigns’ empire crumbling. As far as Reigns’ challenge for Summerslam, consider it accepted. Family vs. family. Reigns brings his lunatic, and Wyatt brings his brother. But Reigns should know by now that Wyatt welcomes this war. *laughter*
END OF SHOW.
Okay, so apparently, my feed was just screwed up, and part of the show was repeated at the end. Not sure what that was about, but at least we didn’t get a half-hour Rusev match.