This week’s WWE SmackDown broadcast opens with the Big Show (HOW THEY HATE HIM!), and it looks like we’re going into our first match.
MATCH 1: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK VS. THE BIG SHOW (NON-TITLE)
The two trade punches before Ryback unloads in the corner. He tries one too many times, however, and runs into a big clothesline. Show hits a bodyslam and a kick to the ribs. He then hits the Nightmare on Helms Street for 2 before applying what I think is supposed to be a cobra clutch, despite looking like ass. Ryback easily fights out, ducks a clothesline and knocks Show off his feet with a flying shoulderblock. He hits a few shoulder thrusts in the corner, but then turns around into a big overhand chop. Ryback recovers and puts Show down with a spinebuster. He calls for the Meat Hook, but Show sees it coming and spears Ryback for 2. Ryback rolls to the apron, and Show dropkicks him to the floor. Outside, Ryback rams Show back-first into the ring post. He tries for a bodyslam, but can’t get Show up. Show goes for a powerslam, but Ryback escapes and clotheslines Show through the barricade by the timekeeper’s area. Both men are then counted out.
WINNER: NONE; DOUBLE COUNT-OUT.
MATCH 2: LOST MATADORES (DIEGO & FERNANDO) AND EL TORITO VS. THE NEW DAY (BIG E, KOFI KINGSTON AND XAVIER WOODS)
Woods and a Matador start, with the Matador dropkicking Woods in the back off a Torito distraction. Woods goes into the middle rope, and the Matador throws his weight across Woods’ back while sliding through the ropes and simultaneously making the tag to the other Matador, who comes in with a tope con hilo for 2. This is apparently Fernando. Woods breaks free of an arm wringer and tags in Kofi, who runs right into a back-body drop. Fernando chops him and tags in Diego. Los Matadors hit a series of strikes before Diego springs off the middle rope with a somersault plancha. He hits a double-leg and tags in Fernando, who hits a slingshot splash off a catapult. Kofi blocks an Irish whip and gets pulled to the floor, only to have Torito kick him through the ropes. Commercials.
Back from the break, Woods is in control of Fernando. He kicks Fernando off the ropes, then runs into a back elbow. E tags himself in and hits a snake eyes before tagging out to Kofi, who gets 2. The New Day then do their stomping bit, finally ending with E whipping Woods in for a low corner dropkick. Woods tags out to Kofi, who hits a running kick for 2, only to have Diego break it up. Kofi tosses Diego before Fernando goes for a tag. Fernando escapes a back suplex, then avoids a corner splash. Woods and Torito both make the tag, with Torito hitting a springboard cross-body. Torito hits a couple chops and a springboard headbutt. He knocks both Kofi and E off the apron, then hits a satellite into a roll-up for 2 as Kofi breaks up the pin. Kofi throws Torito to the floor, and as Los Matadores re-enter the ring, E drops them both with a double clothesline. Kofi then dropkicks one of them to the floor. E tags in and picks Torito up before throwing him right back down for a backbreaker. E then squashes him with a Warrior Splash and tags in Woods, who dances around before pinning Torito.
WINNERS: THE NEW DAY.
This leads to Rusev and Rae coming out. Go figure, right? Rusev says Ziggler thinks he knows pain. At Summerslam, he’ll show Ziggler real pain when he crushes his throat again before crushing his spine into a jigsaw puzzle. Then, he’ll apply the Accolade, and Ziggler will beg him to stop. Rusev will let him go before he passes out, so Ziggler can watch Rae put Lana in the hold as well. Then, they’ll be face-to-face, feeling each other’s agony and screams. Ziggler will be helpless, and then he will know what real pain is. At Summerslam, Rusev stops his comeback and will crush him once and for all. Ziggler says his comeback won’t even start until Summerslam when he kicks Rusev’s teeth down his throat, steals the show, then steals his girlfriend, the real Lana.
MATCH 3: BO DALLAS VS. NEVILLE
Yes, Dallas is still under contract. For reasons. Neville applies a waistlock, then gets backed into a corner, where he eats a back elbow. Neville reverses a corner whip, runs into a boot, then gets hit with a Northern Lariat. Dallas drops a couple knees before screeching, then hits a short-arm for 2. He applies a cravat while screeching some more, only for Neville to roll out. He gets tossed to the apron, lands on his feet and comes off the top with a cross-body, only for Dallas to roll through for 2. Neville pops up with a quick kick, drags Dallas to the corner, then comes off the top with the Red Arrow for 3.
Stardust appears on the TitanTron for another one of his rambling promos. This one actually seems worse than most. King Barrett is with him and says at Summerslam, red and green turns black and blue. He’s going to punch Neville, and Stephen Amell will learn there are no second takes in their universe. Neville will be permanently grounded by a Royal Bullhammer. He’s currently calling himself the “Cosmic King” in the midst of this crap. God, I hate what they’ve done with Barrett.
After C*m Team Dumpster Fire comes out, Alicia Fox cuts a promo. Nikki Bella then cuts one. Absolutely no one gives a damn, especially me. The fact that Nikki is only a couple weeks away from becoming the longest-reigning WWE Divas Champion in history makes me want barf. Oh, and Fox is talking again. And now, Nikki is. Jesus f**k, now it’s time for Naomi to cut a promo. And now Banks. Who the f**k have I pissed off this week? Listening to the two of them try to be “gangsta” is nauseating. Now Becky Lynch is cutting a promo. I love this woman, but I can’t deal with any more talking in this segment. Fortunately, she keeps it short and basically just says she’s going to kick everyone’s ass. See? Simple. How hard is it?
MATCH 4-TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: BRIE BELLA (W/NIKKI BELLA AND ALICIA FOX) VS. NXT WOMEN’S CHAMPION SASHA BANKS (W/NAOMI AND TAMINA) VS. BECKY LYNCH (W/CHARLOTTE)
Brie does some crap on Banks. Lynch armdrags her. Another one for Banks. Brie hits some weak strikes on Lynch. Commercials.
Back from the break, Brie continues to echo the one thing I agreed with Banks on tonight, and that’s ride her husbands coattails. She’s doing the Yes! Kicks while Nikki and Fox are pointing and chanting with the crowd. Ugh. Brie pins Banks for 2, then goes after Lynch. Lynch hits her with forearms before getting tripped into the middle rope. She dropkicks Banks, bellows to the crowd (or talks normally; I’m not sure anymore), then hits both of her opponents with running knees against the ropes. She pins Lynch for 2, but Banks breaks it up. Banks runs into an elbow in the corner, blocks a pair of boots, then does some stupid headscissors spot where she sends Lynch into Brie, who is draped across the middle rope. Banks drives her knees into Brie’s gut for 2, then slams her face in the mat. She stomps Brie down in the corner and follows up with a foot choke for 2. Brie kicks her off the ropes and connects with a clothesline. Lynch makes her way back into the ring and hits everyone with everything before hitting an exploder suplex on Banks. She dropkicks both in the corner, then hits an exploder on Brie. Brie escapes a bodyslam, shoves Lynch into Banks on the apron, then rolls her up for 3.
WINNER: BRIE BELLA.
Hubbard forbid too many weeks go by without a Bella winning a match. With a schmozz ending, no less.
MATCH 5: RANDY ORTON, DEAN AMBROSE, CESARO AND ROMAN REIGNS VS. SHEAMUS, KEVIN OWENS AND THE WYATT FAMILY (LUKE HARPER & BRAY WYATT)
Orton and Sheamus start and circle each other before Orton immediately goes for the RKO, because of course he does. He’s the James Storm of WWE. Commercials.
Back from the break, Owens is now legal for his team. He asks for Cesaro to tag in, but doesn’t get it. Orton applies a headlock and tags in Cesaro, who hits a delayed vertical while Owens tries to fight out. Owens tags out to Harper, and now Ambrose tags in. They lock up, and Harper backs Ambrose into the corner. Ambrose ducks a punch and unloads on Harper with strikes before hitting a snapmare, a low clothesline and a power-drive elbow. Reigns tags in and hits another snapmare, followed by a running boot. Harper comes back with a forearm and tags in Wyatt, who uppercuts Reigns in the corner. Reigns gets corner-whipped, but explodes off the buckles with a clothesline. Cesaro tags in and hits a few European uppercuts in the corner. Wyatt comes back with a punch and throws Cesaro to his corner, where Harper tags in. They trade uppercuts before Harper goes for an Irish whip. Cesaro flips over the top rope and lands on his feet on the apron in an impressive spot, then fights off the heels in the corner before slinging back in with a sunset flip for 2. He calls for the Cesaro Swing, but Owens breaks it up with a kick to the back. Ambrose charges at him, but the ref holds him back. Harper then nails a big boot and tags in Wyatt, who hits an avalanche. He tags in Sheamus, and Sheamus hits a release suplex. Owens in, and the two trade a couple punches before Owens hits a corner clothesline. He follows up with a cannonball, then gets 2. Commercials.
WINNERS: DEAN AMBROSE, CESARO, RANDY ORTON AND ROMAN REIGNS
END OF SHOW.
*AUTHOR’S NOTE: This recap may be missing some content. The available feeds were pretty lousy, and this one was the highest-quality I could find, but unfortunately was also the shortest.*