The show this week emanates from Fresno, CA, and we’re kicking off the show with the NEW WWE World Champion, Seth Rollins, who is accompanied by J&J Security, Kane and the Big Show. We see the Andre battle royal placed at ringside, which Show stands next to for no real reason. Rollins says it feels so good when a plan works out perfectly. This past Sunday at Wrestlemania, he cashed in his MITB contract, inserted himself into the main event, beat Brock Lesnar, beat Roman Reigns, and became the new champion. Just like that, he solidified himself as the new face of WWE. Being the champion isn’t all about being the very best in the ring, because right after he shocked the world and took the title, he flew on a private jet to New York for an appearance on the Today Show. After he showed them what’s what, he flew all the way back to California, just in time to walk into RAW and hear Lesnar demanding his rematch. He knows the fans can’t understand this, but flying coast-to-coast twice in a day makes you pretty jet-lagged. He’s new to being champion, but the WWE Universe deserves Rollins at his best. And although Lesnar does deserve a rematch, Monday night just wasn’t his night. For every action, there’s a reaction. If Lesnar hadn’t lost his mind, there might have been a title rematch tonight on Smackdown. The feed goes black for about 30 seconds, then freezes for another 30 or so. When it comes back, Randy Orton is out on the stage. He says he remembers everything that has happened between them. Several months ago, Rollins curb-stomped him through a desk and stepped. He remembers playing them all like fiddles until he got his sweet revenge. He also remembers nearly ripping Rollins’ head off with an RKO at WM right before he cashed in his contract. Most importantly, he swears he’ll go to the papers, if he has to. Also, he’s still owed a rematch from last year. So, with Lesnar suspended indefinitely, that should put Orton at the top of the list to face him for the title. Rollins says not to dwell in the past when the present and future of WWE is standing in the ring. He doesn’t know who Orton thinks he is, but in Rollins’ universe and WWE, he and he alone decides when and where the next title shot happens. Orton says Rollins has never done anything by himself. He gets why J&J leech onto who is in power, because they’re spineless sewer rats. But Show and Kane? They were monsters, but now they’re just lapdogs for the Authority. At least Show won at WM when he won the Andre battle royal. Kane? What did he do at WM? Orton doesn’t recall seeing him there. What does the Director of Operations really do anyway? As far as Orton can tell, he went from the “Big Red Monster” to Little Red Riding Hood. Kane says that, as DOO, he has plenty of power. That’s why tonight, Orton will face Show. And, if he can defeat Show, maybe the Authority will reconsider his title opportunity. By the way, that match starts right now.
MATCH 1: THE BIG SHOW VS. RANDY ORTON (W/KANE, J&J SECURITY AND SETH ROLLINS)
Show backs Orton into the corner, but Orton punches his way out before running into a shoulder. Show throws him to a corner for a body blow and a running hip attack. Orton avoids the spear, however, and puts Show down with a dropkick. Why is Orton wearing elbow pads? It looks odd. Show rolls to the apron, and as he tries to come back in, Orton boots him in the side of the head twice before hitting a suspended DDT across the top rope. Orton coils up for the RKO, but before it hits, the rest of the Authority hit the ring and beat Orton down, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: RANDY ORTON.
Originally, Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler were scheduled to face Sheamus and Bad News Barrett. However, Ziggler is playing up a storyline injury after the attack by Sheamus, so the match will now be Bryan vs. Sheamus one-on-one.
It was cool to see my girl Ronda Rousey at WM, by the way.
The Bella Tw*ts are on commentary yet again. Who the hell did I piss off to repeatedly have to listen to these two?
MATCH 2: NATALYA VS. NAOMI
We get an inset promo from Naomi. My computer is on mute, so I have no idea what she’s saying. Probably something about winning the Divas title. Naomi locks up with Nattie, who turns the hold into an arm wringer. Naomi counters, and Nattie counters that. Naomi breaks the hold, goes into a crisscross, and the two attempt simultaneous dropkicks before kipping up at the same time. Nattie backs Naomi into the corner, ducks a kick to the head, then goes for a slingshot back suplex, only to drop Naomi on her ass. She hits a low dropkick for 2, then pounds Naomi in the head repeatedly before applying a modified abdominal stretch. Naomi breaks it with some elbows to the knee, then reverses into her own attempt. Nattie breaks it with a snapmare, then goes for a corner whip. Naomi tries to catch her with a headscissors, but gets dumped to the apron. She lands on her feet, hits a high kick to the head and a springboard sunset flip. Nattie rolls through and looks for the Sharpshooter. Naomi counters with a roll-up for 2, then grabs Nattie in a low headscissors and drives the top of her head into the mat, which which is apparently enough for 3.
Shock of shocks, Nikki Bella holds the belt over her head at ringside while making stupid faces.
Later tonight, we’ll hear from both John Cena and Roman Reigns.
We see Kane in his office. Seth Rollins enters and apologizes for the RKO, but loves that he led Orton to believe he gets a title match. Kane says he is considering a title match. He has the authority to make executive decisions. Extreme Rules is less than four weeks away, and a title match between Rollins and Orton sounds good to him. Is Rollins concerned Orton will beat him? Rollins says Kane is buying into the hype, but the fact is he’s smarter than Orton. Kane responds that Rollins is better than Orton. Rollins says this stinks, and it turns out he’s actually talking about the office. We hear a toilet flush, and that’s when Dean Ambrose enters the frame. He compliments Kane on his office. Kane says that, since Ambrose rudely used his bathroom, he’ll face the man who threw him through a ladder at WM, Luke Harper. Ambrose likes the idea and thanks Kane.
Byron Saxton sat down with Roman Reigns for an interview earlier this week. Saxton asks what it was like to finally face Brock Lesnar. Reigns says it was an honor just to be a part of the main event. His plan was to come out swinging, and he did, only to have Lesnar throw him around. He showed a lot of people he could take a beating. He stepped in the ring, got knocked and picked himself up everything. He got right back in the fight. Saxton asks about strategy going in. Reigns says Lesnar gave him a ride to every borough in Suplex City, with Lesnar hitting every kind of suplex he could think of. Lesnar did it, but he doesn’t think Lesnar was ready when Reigns hit him in the mouth. He rode the wave and survived. He likes Suplex City. Lesnar wasn’t ready for him, because when he hit Lesnar in the mouth, Lesnar didn’t have an answer. He hit and hit, and finally knocked Lesnar down. When it comes down to it, he changed Lesnar’s face with his fist, permanently. Saxton points out that Reigns smiled and laughed during the match. What was the message he was trying to send? Reigns says you don’t see fights like this often. It changed their lives. Lesnar smacked the piss out of him and tried to keep him down for good. When you get to that point, you’re doing more than sending a message. Reigns kept getting back up, spit up blood and smiled in Lesnar’s face. Lesnar could not legitimately knock out Reigns. Saxton moves onto Rollins winning the title, right after Reigns thought he had the match won. Reigns calls it terrible. He was right there. He climbed the mountain. He felt the top. He was looking down, and he got pulled right off of it in a matter of moments. That was Rollins’ job, and that’s what he did. He had the MITB case he could cash in any time. What a perfect time. Let the animals take each other out and he could pick the bones. That’s what Rollins did. Reigns could have beaten Lesnar in about 30 more seconds. When it comes to Rollins, Reigns has beaten him before. He can, he has, and he will beat him again.
MATCH 3: THE MIZ VS. R-TRUTH
The two lock up, and Miz applies an arm wringer. Truth counters, so Miz punches him and applies a headlock. Miz hits a shoulder off the ropes, goes into a crisscross and receives a hiptoss. Truth ducks a clothesline and hits a jumping heel kick. Truth hits a corner splash, a kick and goes for the axe kick. Miz avoids it and goes for a roll-up. Truth hangs onto the top rope to block. Miz rolls to the apron, boots Truth through the ropes and then hits the Skull-Crushing Finale for 3.
WINNER: THE MIZ.
Damien Mizdow comes down and lays Miz out with a Skull-Crushing Finale of his own, then steals Miz’s sunglasse before standing over Miz.
John Cena, the NEW United States Champion, makes his way down. He has a document in his hand. After pandering to the crowd, he says that the paper (which is apparently the title contract he and Rusev signed) was his Declaration of Independence, WM would be his revolution, and now the US title will get the respect it deserves. He is taking nothing away from Rusev as an athlete. Rusev took him to the limit after spending a year undefeated, but him being the US Champion made him sick. Not because he’s Russian, and not because he can’t fight; because every time he opened his mouth, Rusev proved himself to be the world’s biggest jackass. Here’s the sad thing, Rusev IS the American Dream. He came to America, was given opportunity and had success. Was he thankful? No. Instead, he just told everyone how much America sucks. Newsflash, America doesn’t suck. Cena is proud of the US, and he’s proud of the US title. America is the land of opportunity, and this title is not just a beacon of excellence. From now on, it represents opportunity. He recites what’s written on the Statue of Liberty. He stands here now, saying bring him your outcasts, your underdogs, your future stars, your have-nots, anyone the Authority says is a B+ player, the ones the fans want to see that the Authority doesn’t want them to…Hell, bring him anyone from Lesnar to the Bushwhackers. He’ll fight them all. He’ll give them opportunity to become the champion, and here’s how. On RAW, he issued the first open challenge for any superstar in the back to come to the ring and earn the title. Right now, he’s going to continue the challenge each week, because the US was built on a fighting spirit…
Rusev and Lana interrupt. Lana says what happened at WM was a travesty, not an opportunity. Cena is not worthy of being champion, and he’s half the man Rusev is. Cena’s revolution is a mere fantasy. This is Rusev’s world, and everyone should be grateful they live in the era of Rusev. Rusev says he did not lose at WM, while staring a hole through Lana. He’s still America’s champion. He is the super athlete. He is a Russian tank. Cena is not a hero; he is a coward, just like all of the fans. He then speaks in Russian before saying this is his domain. This is his country. This is his world. In his world, little people like Cena get opportunities, too, like the opportunity to surrender what belongs to Rusev back to him, or get crushed at Extreme Rules. Cena calls Rusev dumb, blind and drunk. Rusev lost at WM and got his butt whipped. Cena is standing in the ring, and the only things standing between the two of them are fear and common sense. Rusev starts marching down to the ring and Cena says if he wants to get it on in Fresno, the champ is here. Rusev just starts waving the Russian flag back and forth, then orders the large flag to be dropped. It doesn’t come down, so he screams for it to drop again. Nothing happens, so Cena says Rusev means we’ll see [a giant US flag dropping from the ceiling]. Cena starts listing off stereotypical American things, then says he pledges allegiance to kick Rusev’s ass at Extreme Rules, which doesn’t even make sense.
So…Rusev/Cena will headline a third PPV in a row. Hooray.
We get a promo for Adrian Neville, who is apparently going to go by just Neville at this point. I’m glad they’re still calling him “The Man That Gravity Forgot”.
MATCH 4: LUKE HARPER VS. DEAN AMBROSE
The two immediately trade punches before Ambrose throws Harper tot he corner. He grinds his forearm into Harper’s face, then goes for a whip. Harper reverses and runs into a back elbow. Ambrose hits a spinning back elbow from the middle rope, puts Harper down with a snapmare, hits a low clothesline and then gets 2 off a power-drive elbow. Harper comes back with a throat thrust, then hits a pair of uppercuts in the corner. He rakes Ambrose across the face, then nails a European uppercut. Ambrose comes back with punches and a kick off the ropes. He hits several strikes, ducks a back elbow, ducks a clothesline and goes for a cross-body. Harper catches him and tosses him to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Harper slaps Ambrose across the face and tosses him to the corner. Ambrose avoids a big boot, and Harper goes over the top rope before crashing to the floor. Harper catches a suicide dive and rolls Ambrose into the ring. Ambrose spins through, returns to the floor and drops Harper with a clothesline. He rolls Harper back into the ring, then comes off the top with a flying elbow for 2. Ambrose hits a few punches, but Harper retaliates with a big boot. He signals for the sit-out powerbomb, but Ambrose escapes and low-bridges Harper to the floor. Ambrose goes after him, but gets thrown into the timekeeper’s area. He starts tearing apart the announce desk, only to turn around into a flying forearm from the barricade by Ambrose. Ambrosse then goes for a powerbomb through the announce desk, but Harper shoves him spine-first into the ring post. Harper then powerbombs Ambrose through the announce desk.
WINNER: NO CONTEST.
The referee is calling for help as Harper walks over Ambrose’s body. The other referees manages to get Harper away from the area, then turn their attention to Ambrose.
During the break, EMTs and referees walked Ambrose to the back.
We see the Prime-Time Players in a studio. Titus O’Neil says they’re here to talk to everyone about something that is played out, that being the New Day. First off, Big E. Titus sprays himself with a water bottle as we cut to a still of E wiping his forehead. Titus mocks E’s dorky promos as Darren Young tries to calm him down. Titus doesn’t know what denomination E is going for, but he sounds like he has a possum stuck in his throat. Young says E has no rhythm. They both call Kofi Kingston a natural athlete, but then make fun of the fact that he has a Scott Steiner chest (okay, they called it sunken). Finally, there’s Xavier Woods, a personal hair disaster. Young used to have an afro, but Woods’ hair is nappy. If your hair is nappy, ain’t nobody happy. Now they’re trying to do the New Day chant as crickets start chirping. Titus then does his barking bit before breaking out the “millions of dollars” chant.
I love that even WWE admits the New Day gimmick sucks, and is having everyone say it sucks in some bizarre attempt to get it over.
Sheamus comes out for his match, and he has a fancy new entrance theme to go with the new look and attitude. It sounds pretty cool, actually. A “You look stupid” chant breaks out, and Sheamus just goes with it. If you’re wondering why he attacked Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler on Monday, the answer is simple: because he can. While he was out with an injury, he sat at home and watched RAW & Smackdown every week, and all he kept wondering was where have all the real men gone? All your Bryans and Zigglers…they’re great little fellas! Hard workers! Go-getters! But they make Kevin Hart look like Shaquille O’Neal. They’re two vertically-challenged runts, and yet you’re disappointed when they fail you. They can’t even hang in the main event. Shame on you. As for Sheamus, he’s not here to disappoint you or put a smile on your face; he’s simply here to crush your hopes and dreams. A real man has come back to WWE, and he promises everyone he won’t rest until he puts all of the underdogs out of their misery. Fella.
We get a commercial for four new WWE Network shows. The first is a TV-MA cartoon by Seth Green. Then, there’s some crap by one of the people responsible for Jackass. Third is a new show hosted by Jerry Springer. Finally, they’re bringing back the Divas Search. Sweet f*cking Chr*st. Seeing this garbage, I’m now starting to be really thankful that the WWE Network is completely broken in my household and that I’ve sworn to never pay for another month again.
Bad News Barrett is on commentary. Sheamus pie-faces Bryan into the corner, but Bryan reverses and starts laying in some kicks. Sheamus comes back with strikes of his own, then goes to throw Bryan across the ring. Bryan puts on the brakes and lays in some kicks in the corner. Sheamus whips him across the ring, then hits him with a running clothesline. Sheamus nails a European uppercut, then another. Then another. Then another. Sheamus slaps him in the gut, then hits a kneelift. He steps on Bryan’s face, then pie-faces him some more while calling him “Danny Boy”. Bryan comes up with some more kicks, then hits a dragon screw before going into a leglock, which he breaks to then hit a series of palm thrusts to the side of Sheamus’ head. Sheamus heads to the floor for a breather, then comes back in for a lock-up. He backs Bryan into the corner, nails a shot, then goes for an Irish whip. Bryan ducks a clothesline, slides through Sheamus’ legs, then hits some kicks to the chest before Sheamus catches him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, sending Bryan to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Sheamus has Bryan in a rear chinlock. Bryan elbows his way out, only to get cut down with a kneelift. Sheamus hits a release vertical suplex, then drops a big knee off the ropes. He screams, “Are you not entertained?”, which makes me happy. Sheamus then hits the release vertical suplex again. Bryan barely pulls himself to his feet, and Sheamus nails him with a straight right. Sheamus hits another European uppercut, then stands on Bryan’s head against the middle buckle. Sheamus heads to the apron to taunt the crowd, then comes back in to slap Bryan around and talk some trash. Bryan begins slapping Sheamus across the face until Sheamus retaliates with one of his own. Bryan backflips off a corner whip, ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Sheamus gets up and charges at Bryan, so Bryan low-bridges him to the floor. Bryan knocks him into the barricade with a suicide dive, then rolls him back in. Up top, Bryan hits a seated missile dropkick, then kips up. He fires up the Yes! Kicks, but Sheamus blocks the Buzzsaw and looks for White Noise. Bryan breaks free by kneeing Sheamus in the head and looks for the Yes! Lock. Sheamus won’t go down, and he shoves Bryan into the corner. He charges in, only to have Bryan hit a drop-toehold into the middle buckle. Bryan then kicks the buckle into Sheamus’ face and heads back up top. Sheamus crotches him, then hits him with another series of European uppercuts. He pulls Bryan off the buckles with a cravat, which he then turns into a spinning neckbreaker. Bryan rolls to the apron, and Sheamus pulls him up for the 10 Beats of the Bodhran. Bryan blocks it after three or four shots, hits a forearm and a series of headbutts. Sheamus shakes it off before knocking Bryan to the floor with a forearm. Bryan gets back up, and he’s busted wide open. The referee prevents Sheamus from going after him, and the distraction allows BNB to get up and blast Bryan with the Bullhammer. Alliteration is fun. Sheamus drops to the floor as a trainer has come out to check on Bryan. The match is still going, as the referee is counting down. Sheamus decides to take the cheap win by climbing back in at around 7, and Bryan is counted out.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: SHEAMUS.
End of show.
Sheamus looked good in his return, and has added several new moves to his repertoire. The mohawk has to go, however. Why he couldn’t just shave his head? I don’t know.