This week, the show emanates from London, England. Kicking off the show is the WWE United States Champion, John Cena. After a clip of him being attacked by a chain-wielding Rusev on RAW, Cena thanks London for hosting WWE. The energy from the crowd made RAW memorable, and admist that energy, we found out that Rusev will face Cena in a Russian chain match for the US title at Extreme Rules, which is the same damn thing as a dog collar match, a strap match, etc. Cena says the match won’t be pretty and may not even involve him. Every time he issues the US Open Challenge, you have a chance to see a new champion. So, enough about RAW and Extreme Rules. This is Smackdown, and there will be another challenge right now.
Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya come out. Kidd says they’re not out here to accept the challenge. What they are out here for is to drop some facts. Cesaro says they are the greatest champions in WWE today. Fact. Kidd says they don’t pander to the audience. Fact. Cesaro says Cena came out on RAW and said London deserves a Wrestlemania. Fact. Kidd says that wasn’t a fact. London doesn’t deserve WM. Fact. Cesaro says there were great chants on RAW. Fact. Kidd’s personal favorite was “Please retire”, but it was directed at the wrong person. Fact. Cesaro says everyone wishes they could not see Cena. Fact. Kidd says, instead, they want to see Kidd and Cesaro. Fact. Cena says that the fans don’t want to see him, but do want to see the tag champs, how about one of them step aside and the other fight him right now?
Intercontinental Champion Daniel Bryan heads down to the ring and says he heard some talk about the greatest champions in WWE today. Do the fans think Cesaro and Kidd are the greatest today? Resounding boos, followed by a “Yes!” chant. Bryan asks if it’s Cena, and we get more boos. He then asks if he’s the most handsome man in WWE. Mixed reaction. So, instead of Kidd and Cesaro running their mouths, why don’t they prove it against the US and IC Champions? Big “Yes!” chant in response. The tag champs discuss it before Nattie gets in the faces of Cena and Bryan. Kidd pulls her back before saying the match is on.
Later tonight, Neville will face Sheamus. Bray Wyatt is also in action.
MATCH 1: R-TRUTH VS. BRAY WYATT
The two go into a lock-up, and Truth gets backed into the corner before quickly sliding away. He lands a few rights on Wyatt and applies a side headlock. Truth ducks a clothesline and hits the Lie Detector. After some dancing, Truth stops when Wyatt starts crab-walking. He charges in, and Wyatt drops him with an uppercut. Wyatt drives his knees into Truth’s head as the crowd starts singing. He goes for a uranage, but Truth escapes and goes for the axe kick. He misses, ducks a right, then gets blasted with a flying back elbow. Wyatt hits Sister Abigail and gets 3.
WINNER: BRAY WYATT.
We get another “exclusive” sit-down interview, this time with Roman Reigns. I am so sick of these, and not just with Reigns; with everyone. He blathers on beating the Big Show, also known as a feud absolutely no one wanted.
The Miz is in the ring. Last Monday on RAW, Damien Mizdow got lucky, and he promises it will never happen again. Everyone knows Mizdow is nothing without the Miz. He made Mizdow who he is today. He made Mizdow who he is, because that’s what he does: he makes things. He made Mizdow, he made Summer Rae, he made the Marine 4 in a soon-to-be success, and he made each and every one of the fans.
Hometown boy Bad News Barrett comes out to a respectable pop. He says Miz is confused. We’re not in the wretched Hollywood; we’re in London. The WWE Universe hasn’t come out to see a pretend movie star; they’ve come to see the man from the UK, the man who is going to crush the Yes! Movement at Extreme Rules and become a 6-time IC Champion.
MATCH 2: THE MIZ VS. BAD NEWS BARRETT
Miz’s pre-match shtick is just the f**king worst. As he’s doing it, BNB just stares him down, turns the elbow pad inside out when Miz isn’t looking, and knocks his ass out with a Bull Hammer when he turns around for 3.
WINNER: BAD NEWS BARRETT.
Renee Young is standing by with Damien Mizdow and Summer Rae. This combination sucks. Mizdow didn’t need Rae to get over, and Rae? She couldn’t get over if she was riding a guy in a porn movie. Young asks how it felt to get a win over Miz on RAW. Mizdow says it’s like walking outside and the sun is shining, it feels like a bright summer…Rae. She points out the kiss last week, and that’s when Miz interrupts. He tells Young to leave, then tells Mizdow the win was a fluke, and he wants a rematch. He also wants Mizdow to go back to being Damien Sandow. Stop dressing like Miz, using his entrance theme, etc. There’s only one Miz. Rae says everyone knows Mizdow does the Miz better than the Miz. Sweet Jebus, she’s awful. Miz says he’s the original, and Mizdow begins to do his stunt-double bit again, which pisses Miz off. Rae whispers in Mizdow’s ear, and Mizdow says let’s have a rematch on RAW, with the winner getting the rights to the entire Miz brand. Rae does some hideous whining bit before trying (and failing miserably) to look sexy. Miz says on RAW, Mizdow will wind up in the unemployment line, and Rae can go back to the lingerie football league, wearing a helmet, which will be an improvement in her case. Wow. I actually agree with the Miz on something. Anyway, she slaps him, and Mizdow feigns getting slapped as well. Miz storms off, and Miz says that was awesome.
MATCH 3: SHEAMUS VS. NEVILLE
Before the match, Sheamus says he thought Neville would be taller, but he’s just a teeny, tiny little man, just like all the other undersized superstars. Where is he from? That’s right: Newcastle, England. In case he didn’t know, Sheamus is from Ireland. The REAL Ireland, and where he comes from, they don’t like English bastards, which means he really doesn’t like Neville. Neville stares him dow and puts in a mouth guard as the bell rings.
Back from the break, Sheamus has Neville in a rear chinlock. Neville tries to get up, but Sheamus yanks him right back down. Neville eventually does get back up and tries to break free, but Sheamus stops that with a kneelift. He hits a shoulder thrust in the corner, then drops Neville with a release vertical suplex. Sheamus goes for the Irish Curse, which connects. Neville pulls himself back up, so Sheamus yanks him down with a rake of the eyes before going into a rear chinlock. Neville counters with a jawbreaker before running into a back elbow. He avoids a shoulder thrust in the corner, which sends Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus rolls back in, where Neville meets him with a series of kicks and a running boot to the side of the head. He hits a standing SSP for 2, and now Sheamus is in the corner. He kicks Neville in the knee, then pulls himself up and tosses Neville to the outside. Neville lands on the apron, which sets him up for the 10 Beats of the Bodhran. Neville elbows his way out, however, then nails Sheamus with a forearm. He avoids a kick through the ropes, kicks Sheamus in the side of the knee, then hits a springboard seated dropkick for 2. In the corner, Neville nails a huge kick to the head. He goes up top and hits a Phoenix Splash from the middle rope for 2. He goes up for the Red Arrow, but Sheamus crotches him. Sheamus hoists him up for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Neville counters into a sunset flip for 2. Neville hits a step-up enziguri, then does it again on the ropes before clotheslining Sheamus to the floor. Outside, Neville grabs him in a front chancery, but Sheamus picks him up and throws him face-first onto the announce desk, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: NEVILLE.
Sheamus isn’t done. He drags Neville to the floor, then picks him up on his shoulder and walks him back into the ring, where he hits a standing powerslam over the ropes. Sheamus drops a series of knees until Dolph Ziggler runs down and attacks Sheamus from behind. He pelts Sheamus with rights until Sheamus rolls out of the ring and heads up the ramp. Ziggler gets on a mic and says he gets why Sheamus doesn’t like the English, because they don’t like him, either. Come to think of it, neither do the Germans, Hungarians, Dutch, Welsh, millennials, bronies, you name it. Not even the Irish like him. You know why? Because Sheamus is nothing but a bully, and there’s only one thing to do to a bully, and that’s stand up to him. That’s what Ziggler is doing right now, and he wants Sheamus in the ring right now. From the stage, Sheamus calls Ziggler adorable, and a little man speaking big words. Sheamus tells him to “kiss me arse”. He walks away, but Ziggler eggs him on. Ziggler turns around and says he meant that literally. In two weeks at Extreme Rules, they are going to compete in a “Kiss Me Arse” match, which means that, in front of the world, he will humiliate Ziggler by making him kiss his arse. Ziggler doesn’t care; he just wants the match. He is going to stretch Sheamus so bad, he won’t know which way is up. Then, in front of the world, he’ll make Sheamus kiss his own arse.
Crap. I can’t believe they’re dusting this match off again. Does no one remember Rock/Mr. Ass or Rikishi/A-Train?
MATCH 4: LOS MATADORES (DIEGO AND FERNANDO, W/EL TORITO) VS. BIG E AND KOFI KINGSTON (W/XAVIER WOODS)
The New Day comes out, and the crowd are still dumping all over them. Big E says they’re here to bring foggy London sunshine and light. Kofi Kingston says they don’t get bent out of shape when they’re told they suck. They clap so they don’t snap. They’re going to clap on and on and on and on and on. Xavier Woods says to make today your New Day (Sucks!).
Does WWE have beef with Woods? Why is he always the corner man? Anyway, E starts with one of the Matadores. The Matador ducks a shot and hits a few chops. E steamrolls him, throws him to the corner and tags in Kofi, who he then slingshots into the corner for a low dropkick for 2. Matador comes back witha jawbreaker, but then gets tripped. Kofi heads to the top for a springboard, but gets caught mid-air with a dropkick. The other Matador tags in and hits a chop from the top before knocking E off the apron. Avoids a shot in the corner by Kofi and hits a jumping back elbow. He hits another one, then goes for a corner whip. Kofi reverses, but the Matador springs off the ropes and hits a somersault plancha for 2 as E breaks it up. The other Matador comes in and puts E on the floor with a hurricanrana. Kofi hits the illegal Matador with Trouble in Paradise, sending him to the floor as well. The legal Matador rolls Kofi up for 2. In the corner, Kofi hits a Pendulum. Torito jumps on the apron, so Woods pulls him down into a fireman’s carry and begins marching him around the ring. Torito spins out into an armdrag. Kofi is distracted, so the Matador goes for a Backstabber. However, E is holding onto Kofi from the apron, resulting in the move being blocked. E tags in, and he & Kofi hit their combination Big Ending/leaping DDT from the middle rope for 3.
WINNERS: BIG E AND KOFI KINGSTON.
We see Rosa Mendes and Fandango in the back. She whines at him in Spanish, and he says this is the end of them. Rosa needs to move on and let the whole world Fandango. He kisses her hand and leaves her crying. That’s when the Exotic Express runs by, doing their stupid chant. Adam Rose stops and says it’s a shame, because when he looks at her, he sees her for what she is, and if she makes the right move, she might once again be #1 in a certain somebody’s life. Think about it.
The Big Show comes out for, oh, who the hell really cares at this point? If you really want to know, though, he says it was made obvious on RAW that people from England suck. Englishmen don’t appreciate him. He’s the greatest giant in history. He can do what he wants, when he wants, and no one can stop. No on in the arena in the arena can stop him, no in the country can stop him, no one in the world can stop him. Not even Roman Reigns can stop him. The fans respect Reigns because he went toe-to-toe with Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, right? Show respects what he did at WM, but this past Monday, Reigns was disrespectful to Show. Show doesn’t answer to anyone but the Authority. Some people in the Authority think Reigns is a threat. He doesn’t see Reigns as a threat, but a victim of an automobile crash. When he threw Reigns like a flyweight into the car on the stage, it was the car getting hit by the person. We go back to RAW to see that event. Back to the arena, Show thought Reigns would be smart and stay down, but he got back up, so Show through him into the car again. Another clip. Back to Show, when he thought Reigns would finally stay down, he got up again. Reigns doesn’t get that he can’t stop Show, so Show drove his knee into Reigns’ skull. Another clip. Back to Show. He then picked Reigns up, threw him onto the roof, then chokeslammed him onto it. Another clip, this time in slow-motion. Show is now sitting on the car. He thought the chokeslam would be it, but during the commercials, Reigns got up again. Yet another clip. God, this segment sucks. Back to Show. Reigns made it to the back, stumbling and bumbling. He then makes a joke about the Brits having bad teeth, despite the fact that it’s been scientifically documented that British teeth are generally in much better shape than those of Americans. Show couldn’t be bother to do two minutes of research to find that out though, and instead had to go with an old stereotype that is complete horsesh*t. Show could have continued the attack, but chose not to, because he didn’t have to. Instead, he went to the Authority and made a request: at Extreme Rules, he will face Reigns in a last man standing match. When he’s done with Reigns, Reigns won’t be the last man standing. Respect that.
MATCH 5-TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: NATALYA VS. ALICIA FOX VS. CAMERON
Poor Nattie, having to make these two look good. Nattie and Fox go after Cameron, and she rolls to the floor. Fox rolls Nattie up for 2. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter, but Fox rolls to the apron. Nattie knocks her to the floor with a forearm. Cameron comes back in and tries to roll Nattie up, getting 2. Nattie hits her with a clothesline as Fox gets back into the ring and breaks up a pin at 1. Fox sends Nattie into the ropes, rolls backwards and hits a spinning headscissors, followed by a back elbow. She goes for the flipping legdrop, but misses. Nattie walks over the back of her neck and hits a seated dropkick for 2 as Cameron pulls her to the floor. Cameron shoves her into the barricade, then gets back into the ring. She hits Fox with a couple of forearms before Fox hits a big boot for 2. Cameron gets sent to the corner, where she avoids another big boot. Cameron snaps Fox down by her hair, then goes up top. Nattie tries to pull her down, but gets a kick to the face. Fox meets Cameron on the middle rope and looks for a superplex. Nattie gets back and puts them both down with a powerbomb (Tower of Doom-type spot). Nattie covers Cameron for 2, then Fox does the same. Nattie rolls Fox up for 2, then hits her with a discus clothesline. She rolls Fox to the apron and kicks her to the floor, then goes after Cameron, who sneaks in a roll-up for 2. Nattie ducks a clothesline and goes for a waistlock. Cameron counters into a victory roll for 2. Nattie counters into a roll-up for 2. Cameron counters again into another victory roll for 2. Nattie gets up, trips Cameron and locks in the Sharpshooter. Cameron tries to get to the ropes, so Nattie pulls her back to the middle of the ring. Fox comes in and tries to break up the hold with an axe kick, but Nattie sees it coming and moves. She then ducks a clothesline, hits a double-leg, then applies the Sharpshooter on Fox. Cameron comes back in and breaks up the hold with a double axe-handle on Nattie. She tries to throw Nattie to the floor, but Nattie reverses and sends Cameron flying. Fox gets back up, hits Nattie with a running big boot, then hits her atrociously bad axe kick. Cameron back in, and she throws Fox to the floor before pinning Nattie for 3.
After the match, Fox throws a fit as Cameron looks at herself in a compact mirror. I don’t know or care why on either end.
MATCH 6: ADAM ROSE (W/THE EXOTIC EXPRESS) VS. FANDANGO
Fandango is back to his old entrance theme as we have to sit through this match yet again. Apparently, he’s a face now. Rose applies a side headlock, then hits a shoulder off the ropes. The two crisscross until Fandango hits a dropkick before clotheslining Rose and his 80’s jobber tights to the floor. Fandango follows up with a slingshot plancha. He rolls Rose back in as Rosa Mendes runs to ringside. Fandango and Mendes argue, and the distraction is enough for Rose to knock Fandango down with a baseball slide. He rolls Fandango back in, then flirts with Mendes. Back in the ring, Rose stomps Fandango in the corner, and now Mendes is on the apron. Rose walks to her, and Fandango comes in from behind and rolls him up for 3.
Fandango dances on the announce desk as Mendes leaves, upset.
MATCH 7-ALL-CHAMPIONS TAG TEAM MATCH: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN AND WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION JOHN CENA VS. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS CESARO AND TYSON KIDD (W/NATALYA)
Cena, sporting a shiner, starts off with Kidd. Cena applies a side headlock, then hits a shoulder off the ropes. Kidd tags out to Cesaro, who goes for a test of strength with Cena. He puts Cena down to his knees, but Cena gets back up, breaks the hold and applies an arm wringer. He goes for a tag, but Cesaro yanks him down. He hits a European uppercut, then tags in Kidd, who nails several forearms. Kidd tags out, and Cesaro stomps Cena down before applying a front chancery, turning it into a modified armbar. He throws Cena to the corner and hits a running European uppercut. Kidd tags in and stomps Cena before hitting an elbow to the forehead. Kidd applies a front chancery now, but Cena breaks free and hits a right. Off the ropes, Cena runs into a spinning heel kick for 2. Kidd foot-chokes Cena near the ropes, then hits a slingshot legdrop on the apron. Cesaro tags out, prevents a tag on the other side by grabbing Cena’s foot, then gets booted to the floor. Cena crawls for the tag to Bryan, but Cesaro knocks Bryan off the apron with a kneelift. He then hits Cena with a deadlift gutwrench for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Cena gets to his feet and reaches for a tag, then counters the hold with a back suplex. Cena pulls himself up in the corner, avoids a running shoulder thrust, tosses an incoming Kidd to the floor, then begins his crawl to the corner. Cesaro tries to stop him, only to have Kidd yank Bryan off the apron just as Cena was about to make it. Cena manages to lock in the STF a moment later, but the referee is checking on Bryan on the outside. This allows Kidd to come in and break up the hold. Kidd tags in, and Cena immediately goes for the AA. Kidd lands on his feet, hits a spinning back kick and drops Cena with a running seated dropkick for 2. He goes for another shot on Bryan, but Bryan blocks it and hits a right, sending Kidd into a back-body drop from Cena. Cena makes a diving tag to Bryan, and Bryan ducks a clothesline from Kidd before hitting Cesaro in the corner. He turns back to Kidd, pelting him with rights in the corner. Bryan flips off a corner whip, ducks a clothesline, kicks Cesaro (who is now on the floor) through the ropes, then hits a drop toehold on Kidd, sending him face-first into the middle buckle. Bryan hits the corner Yes! Kicks, then sets Kidd up for a super hurricanrana, which connects for 2. Bryan fires up the Yes! Kicks again, then hits an incoming Cesaro with a kick before lighting both up with the Yes! Kicks. He hits Cesaro with the Buzzsaw, only to have Kidd roll him up for 2. Bryan recovers and nails Kidd with a Buzzsaw as well. He signals for the running knee, only to have Natalya jump on the apron and distract him. Kidd tries to attack from behind, but Bryan sees him coming and shoves him into Nattie, sending her flying into the arms of Cesaro at ringside. Bryan then traps Kidd in the Yes! Lock. Cesaro drops Nattie and runs into the ring, only to have Cena intercept him with an Attitude Adjustment as Kidd taps.
WINNERS: DANIEL BRYAN AND JOHN CENA.
End of show.