The show opens with Seth Rollins walking around in the back. He sees Corporate Kane. Apparently, his suspension was only good for RAW, so he’s cleared to be in the building tonight. Rollins says this will be Kane’s last Smackdown as DOO. After Rollins beats Kane at Hell in a Cell, he’s done, so he better make this a good show. Kane says this will be Rollins’ last SD as champion. He’ll be kicking off the show, and he better not feign an injury and leave like he did on RAW, because he might never know who will show up to stop him.
Kane walks away and approaches the New Day. He kisses their a$%es, and they’re not in the mood. Big E cries about Xavier Woods being put through a table on RAW. Kofi Kingston rattles on about unicorns. It’s Kane’s fault Woods isn’t here. Then they talk about booty. Kane plays an imaginary trombone. He’s sorry about Woods, but he can’t have the New Day moping around, so he has a solution: a match against Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. He then plays an invisible trombone some more.
[adinserter block=”1″]The show is emanating from Austin, TX, and it’s now time for the worst-booked champion in recent memory to wrestle.
MATCH 1: WWE WORLD CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. CESARO (NON-TITLE)
The two lock up, and Cesaro hits a waistlock takedown. He spins around into a deadlift gutwrench suplex for 1. Cesaro blocks a clothesline and drives Rollins down into a crossface, but Rollins immediately rolls to the floor. We see Stardust and the Ascension watching at ringside again. Meanwhile, Rollins tries to bail on the match, then decides to head back in at a count of 8. Cesaro fires up the corner European uppercuts, then caps off the sequence with a running dropkick. He goes for the Cesaro Swing, but Rollins pulls himself to the floor by way of the bottom rope. Rollins heads up the ramp, and Cesaro chases him. Rollins throws Cesaro into the barricade, then hurls him into the steps before rolling back into the ring. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rollins hits a springboard flying knee for 2. Rollins boots Cesaro in the corner before nailing a running forearm. Rollins mocks Cesaro, but then gets set onto the top rope before Cesaro dropkicks him to the floor. Cesaro heads out and knocks Rollins into the timekeeper’s area with a running European uppercut. Cesaro heads back to ringside, rolls Rollins in, then comes off the top with a cross-body for 2. Rollins rolls to the apron again, where he hits a shoulder through the ropes. He goes for a sunset flip, but Cesaro rolls through and tries for the Sharpshooter. Rollins grabs the ropes, propels himself to his feet and nails Cesaro with a Ghetto Blaster before hitting a low superkick for 2. Rollins heads up top and misses a second knee before running into a Very European Uppercut for 2. Cesaro immediately goes for the crossface. Rollins crawls for the bottom, but Cesaro rolls him back to the middle. Rollins manages to scoot backwards and get his feet into the ropes. Rollins rolls to the apron, and Cesaro looks for the outside-in superplex. Rollins reverses in mid-air and trips Cesaro in the buckles. Rollins hits the Pedigree and gets 3.
WINNER: SETH ROLLINS.
Professor Steiner Says: Doin’ him an egg.
Not a bad match, but it felt awfully short, and the ending was anti-climactic at best.
We get MizTV later tonight, with Dolph Ziggler and Summer Rae.
Now Renee Young is standing by with the Miz. Miz has requested this interview to deliver an inside scoop, apparently. He rambles, then says Rae will drop a bomb later tonight.
Paige is coming out next. Just caught her on Conan as well. She looks so much better when her eye makeup is under control.
After shilling Susan G. Komen, we get Paige in the ring. After some clips of what happened last week between Team Bella and PCB, as well as Natalya post-beating in her locker room. Back to the ring, Paige says there are accusations being hurled around that she’d hurt someone so sweet and nice like Nattie. No one believes she didn’t do it, but there’s only two other people she cares about that she wants to believe her, those two being Charlotte and Becky Lynch.
The two oblige, both with mics. Paige thanks them and rambles, which Lynch doesn’t like. Paige says when they came up to the main roster, Paige told them she was happy they were here, and she swears she meant it. Lynch asks if she meant it when she said Charlotte only won the title because of who her dad is, or when she said Lynch was irrelevant. Does Paige expect them to believe she didn’t attack Nattie? Paige says she was jealous when Nattie teamed with them, but she wouldn’t attack her. Charlotte cuts her off and says she’s trying to understand where Paige is coming from, but she can’t. Paige should know what it’s like to win the title. Charlotte watched her do it. Paige had her moment. She knew what it meant to Charlotte, and Charlotte just wanted to share the moment. It boils down to Paige not respecting Charlotte, and she can’t stand that it’s not about Paige. Charlotte is three days away from her first title defense, and Paige is making it about herself. Again.
Team C*m Dumpster Fire come out, and they all verbally fellate each other while Nikki talks about how awesome she is. Nikki calls Paige “Baby Beetlejuice” to no reaction. Charlotte finally shuts her up by pointing out that she’s still the champion. She doesn’t want to wait until HIAC and wants to go now. Paige says Nikki has to go through her first. Nikki accepts.
MATCH 2: PAIGE (W/CHARLOTTE AND BECKY LYNCH) VS. NIKKI BELLA (W/BRIE BELLA AND ALICIA FOX)
The bell rings, and Nikki hits an armdrag. They lock up, and Nikki hits a bodyslam while “shadow boxing”. She ducks a clothesline, hits a facebreaker, then does push-ups. Thrilling. Paige hits an armdrag and a bodyslam, then connects with a headbutt. On the ropes, Paige heads to the apron and connects with some kneelifts. Back in, Nikki avoids a short-arm and goes for an Alabama Slam. Paige rolls through and connects with a big knee for 2. She throws Nikki to the corner before running into an elbow. Nikki hits a tornado armbar for 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Nikki is still working over Paige’s arm. She throws Paige into the bottom buckle, then drops to the floor to pull Paige’s arm across the bottom rope. She wraps the arm around the ring post a couple times, then rolls back in to apply an armbar, followed by an armdrag. She tries to pin Paige with one foot, getting 1. Nikki drives her knee into Paige’s arm, then hits a front hammerlock slam before playing with her own boobs. Nikki covers for 2, then applies a half-straightjacket while driving her elbow into Paige’s shoulder. Paige armdrags out of it and connects with a series of knees in the corner. She hits a side kick for 2, then looks for the PTO. Nikki grabs the bottom rope before pulling Paige throat-first into the middle rope for 2. Nikki connects with a spinebuster for 2 as I begin to vomit over Booker T calling Nikki a “veteran”. Nikki looks for the Rack Attack, but Paige escapes and schoolgirls her for 2. She catches a cross-body attempt and hits a fall-away slam for 2. Paige looks for the Ram-Paige, but Nikki counters with a roll-up for 2. She hits an Alabama Slam for 2. She looks for her sh*tty forearm, which Paige ducks. Nikki blocks a boot, then connects with the forearm. She goes for the Rack Attack, hits it and gets 3.
WINNER: NIKKI BELLA.
Professor Steiner Says: Gimme a F**kin’ Mic!
A Bellas match will never get a higher rating than this.
And now it’s time for MizTV. Expect this segment to get the “I Need to Get My Sh*t In” Award for tonight. He blathers on about the dumb jerk Rusev/Lana/Summer Rae/Dolph Ziggler feud that absolutely no one cares about and has been going on about 8 months too long. We see footage from last week, then it’s back to the ring for Miz to introduce Ziggler. Ziggler is sporting a douchebag headband. Miz gives Ziggler some backhanded compliments, then asks how it feels to be tossed aside by Lana. Ziggler says Lana can do what she wants, and Rae used Rusev. Normally, he’s into that kind of thing, but not with her. Miz then introduces Rae to no reaction, as you could probably guess. Miz says she’s been treated the worst out of anyone in this mess. Rae ignores this and starts in her with “acting”, saying she has chemistry with Ziggler. Ziggler calls her “bro” and says he’s not into her. Rae says she didn’t come out to propose; she’s moved on, and she has a new man. It’s Tyler Breeze. I didn’t give a sh*t about this guy in NXT, and I sure as hell don’t now. Breeze says he’s a man that needs no introduction, but judging by Ziggler’s ensemble, he’s refused to move past 1985. Breeze says they call him “The Gorgeous One”, “The King of Cuteville” and the “Sultan of Selfies”, but Ziggler can call him by his name. When he heard his “Beatiful Rae of Summer Sunshine” was being insulted by some uggo, he had no choice to fly in from Monte Carlo to be here. Together, they’re about to give WWE a much-needed facelift. Breeze takes a selfie, then says “Prince Pretty” has arrived. Ziggler says he’s seen a thousand guys like Breeze come and go, and…Breeze attacks him before driving his selfie stick into Ziggler’s throat. Breeze continues the assault before two referees pull him off. The referees help Ziggler up, and Breeze drops him with a spinning heel kick.
MATCH 3: KING BARRETT AND SHEAMUS (W/RUSEV) VS. THE LUCHA DRAGONS (KALISTO AND SIN CARA)
We get an inset promo from the heels. Barrett says he and Sheamus have shared many pints and scraps. Whenever they’ve fought back-to-back, they’ve been victorious. Sheamus says they decided to take their arse-kicking skills off the streets and put them to good use in the ring. Rusev screams in Bulgarian.
Both teams mostly got jobber non-entrances, but Barrett and Sheamus at least got their music playing, so we know who is going over here. Barrett and Cara start. Cara hits a few strikes and a springboard headbutt. He follows up with an Asai moonsault, picks Barrett up in a fireman’s carry, tags in Kalisto and hits a rolling slam. He then monkey-flips Kalisto, who rotates through into a 450 splash. Cara tags back in and hits a tope con hilo for 2. Cara goes for a monkey flip, and Barrett sets him on the top rope. Cara kicks Barrett away, but then gets distracted by Sheamus, allowing Barrett to boot Cara to the floor. Sheamus makes the tag before launching Cara into the barricade. Back in the ring, Sheamus hits a running shoulder in the corner, then connects with a running kneelift and a tilt-a-whirl powerslam for 2. Barrett tags in and stomps Cara down, then sets him across the top rope for some forearms to the back. He follows up with a running kick for 2. Cara tries to fight back, so Barrett goes for a pumphandle. Cara escapes and hits an enziguri. Sheamus and Kalisto tag in. Kalisto hits an apron kick and a springboard hurricanrana. He ducks a clothesline, hits a few kicks of various types, then connects with a hurricanrana driver for 2 as Barrett breaks up the pin. Cara low-bridges Barrett, but then misses a suicide dive when Rusev shoves Barrett out of the way. Kalisto dives over the ref and hits Rusev with a somersault plancha. He avoids a Sheamus boot through the ropes and kicks Sheamus away. He goes for a springboard, but Barrett tries to trip him. Kalisto avoids it, launches himself into the ring and kicks Barrett through the ropes. He then turns around into a Brogue Kick for 3.
WINNERS: KING BARRETT AND SHEAMUS.
Professor Steiner Says: Gimme a F**kin’ Mic!
Short and pointless. Who did the Dragons piss off to become jobbers? Also, have I mentioned how sick I am of factions in WWE?
Bo Dallas is in the ring, and he says this Sunday, John Cena is holding a US title open challenge, and Dallas accepts. He accepts for all the fans and his fellow Bomericans. Now, sing along with him. He starts singing the “Star-Spangled Bonner” (Get it? Ah, I hate myself), but gets cut off after the first line when his opponent comes out.
MATCH 4: BO DALLAS VS. RYBACK
Ryback immediately hits a running shoulder and a bodyslam. Dallas comes back with a kick, a knee and a punch. Ryback avoids a neckbreaker and hits a clothesline. On the apron, Dallas hits a hotshot, then comes back in with a clothesline for 1. We see Kevin Owens looking on backstage. Back in the ring, Dallas applies a sleeper, which Ryback counters into a backpack stunner. Ryback hits a Meat Hook, then gets 3 with the Shell Shocked.
Professor Steiner Says: Doin’ him an egg
Another squash match, with Dallas being the glorified jobber, as usual.
Renee Young joins Kevin Owens backstage. She brings up his match with Ryback at HIAC, then asks if Owens will change his strategy against Ryback after watching that last match. Owens points out Ryback is the former IC Champion. He calls Ryback a monster and has shown a lot of respect for the champions before him. Owens doesn’t care about any of that, and yet he’s the champion. What does that say about him? Young says arrogance can be a dangerous tool. Owens says that means he’s better than Ryback, but if she wants to call it arrogance, that’s fine. As far as all the other former champions, the title didn’t exist until he held it, and this Sunday, he will turns HIAC into “The Kevin Owens Show”. He’s walking in champion, and walking out as champion. Trust him.
[adinserter block=”2″]MATCH 5: ROMAN REIGNS AND DEAN AMBROSE VS. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS BIG E AND KOFI KINGSTON
Kofi and Ambrose start with a lock-up. Ambrose immediately goes to a headlock before hitting a shoulder off the ropes. He catches Kofi during a crisscross and hits an inverted atomic drop before hitting a chop, a snapmare and a low clothesline. Ambrose nails a knee against the ropes, tags in Reigns, hits a seated dropkick in the corner, then steps out as Reigns hits a leaping clothesline. Kofi puts on the brakes on an Irish whip and tags in E, who humps the air. Really. Reigns applies a headlock, then gets nailed with a shoulder. Reigns catches E in a fireman’s carry, drops him, hits an uppercut, then sends him into the buckles. E tries a backdrop, but Reigns lands on his feet and nails E. He then nails Kofi on the apron before E knocks him to the floor and into the barricade. Commercials.
Back from the break, E has Reigns in an abdominal stretch. Reigns breaks free, kicks E off the ropes and avoids a running shoulder in the corner. Ambrose tags in, hits a series of strikes and goes for Dirty Deeds. E breaks free, but then gets low-bridged. Ambrose hits a slingshot plancha, then rolls E back in. On the apron, Kofi trips Ambrose as E distracts the ref. Kofi tags in and kicks Ambrose in the face from the apron. Back in the ring, Kofi gets 2. He stomps Ambrose in the corner, and you know what this leads to. The stomp series is short before E tags Kofi back in and sends him in for a low dropkick. Kofi lands another kick for 2, then applies a modified surfboard. Ambrose elbows out before getting yanked down by the hair. Kofi screams “Hopscotch”, then hits the New Day Rock Drop, formerly known as the Boom Drop. He misses Trouble in Paradise, then charges at Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose ducks and Kofi jumps to the buckles. He goes for the cross-body, but Ambrose rolls out of the way, sending Kofi into the mat. Reigns tags in. He hits two clotheslines before powering Kofi to the corner for a series of ten more clotheslines. He stops at 9, however, to give E an uppercut. Kofi then gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl powerslam, which sends him to the floor. Reigns heads out and hits E with a Fly-By on the apron, and Kofi with one on the announce desk. Back in the ring, Reigns ducks a clothesline and catches a cross-body. Kofi escapes a powerslam and tries to hold Reigns for E. Reigns boots E away, then nails an uppercut on Kofi. Ambrose then comes off the top with a seated missile dropkick on E. The two double-clothesline E to the floor, and that’s when Kofi and E bail. However, the Dudley Boyz stop them on the stage and back them up back to ringside. Reigns flies off the steps with a clothesline on E, then holds Kofi for an Ambrose suicide dive. Back in the ring, Ambrose clotheslines Kofi back to the floor, then hits a Lunatic Lariat on E off a shoulderblock. Reigns comes in and hoists E on his shoulders, and Ambrose comes off the top with a Doomsday Device. Kofi dives off the top and eats a Superman Punch in mid-air. Reigns then cuts through him with a spear for 3.
WINNERS: DEAN AMBROSE AND ROMAN REIGNS.
Professor Steiner Says: Doin’ him an egg.
Not great, but not terrible. Pretty much a throw-away match, but it had its moments.
As Reigns and Ambrose are celebrating, Bray Wyatt appears on the TitanTron. He is humming. He says that no matter how hard Reigns tries, he can’t outrun his fear. See you in hell, Roman.
END OF SHOW.
Professor Steiner’s Overall Rating: Doin’ him an egg.
Two decent matches helped the rating of this show compared to last week.
HE GOT A BATHICLE! (Move of the Night): Cesaro’s running European uppercut.
Rollins sold so hard he fell into the timekeeper’s area, and Cesaro flipped himself over in the process before landing on his feet in the crowd, which looked pretty cool.
I Need to Get My Sh*t In (Botch/Worst Moment of the Night): MizTV.
I don’t need to explain this. Nikki and Brie Bella talking came close, but the combination of Summer Rae, Tyler Breeze and the Miz was just too much.