Tonight, the main event will be AJ Styles defending the WWE World title against James Ellsworth as a result of last week. I hate this so much.
We see Ellsworth screwing up his own wrist tape in the locker room before Dean Ambrose presents him with his very own WWE licensed shirt. Ambrose encourages him before walking off.
Speaking of things I hate, here comes Randy Orton. Oh, and joy of joys, he’s going to do a promo! Orton gives credit to Bray Wyatt for just how truly evil he is. Trying to escape Wyatt’s world is like trying to escape quicksand. He feels like he’s going crazy, and that’s a problem. It’s a bigger problem for Wyatt, though. In a way, Wyatt has set him free. He is wrath and vengeance, and he is coming for Wyatt. Orton sounds like he’s barely awake.
The screen comes on to show a bunch of people in black sheep masks, standing next to a casket. Wyatt is in the casket. He chuckles and tells Orton he doesn’t have to come after him, because Wyatt will come after him. Wyatt is going to take him on a journey, where Orton will gasp for his last breath. Wyatt is having fun. And by the way, “he’s” here.
MATCH 1: RANDY ORTON VS. LUKE HARPER
We get a lock-up and a break before Orton goes on the attack with strikes. Harper comes back with a couple of his own, sending Orton to the floor. He looks for a tope suicida, but Orton punches him in the face. Back in the ring, Harper recovers and stomps Orton down before going to the middle. Orton cuts him off with punches before looking for the Ace Superplex. Harper fights him off, but Orton stays on Harper and hits the Ace on the second try.
Wyatt’s music hits as the lights go out. He is wheeled out in the casket by the men in sheep masks. Orton is staring him down from the ring as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Orton is laid out at ringside, and Wyatt is crouching over him. The casket is now at ringside and closed. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen there? Orton breaks the count at 9, only for Harper to drop an elbow on him for 2. Wyatt grinds away at a rear chinlock before Orton fights out with punches. Orton then runs into a Michinoku driver #2 for a 2-count. Wyatt opens the casket, then immediately closes it. Back in the ring, Harper applies the Gator Roll into the side headlock. The casket is open again. Orton fights out of the hold and tries to send Harper into the casket. This leads to the Four Moves of Boredom. Before the DDT hits, Wyatt hits the ring and causes the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: RANDY ORTON
Wyatt and Harper double-team Orton after the bell. Wyatt heads back out to the casket. When he opens it, Kane is inside. Kane goozles him before fighting off both the Wyatts. He heads up top as Orton hits the hanging DDT on Wyatt. Kane comes off the top with a flying clothesline on Harper. Orton signals for the RKO, but the lights go out again. When they come back on, the Wyatts are gone.
Charley Caruso is standing by with AJ Styles. She asks about the title match tonight. Styles can’t believe what’s going on. This is surreal for him. He’s the WWE World Champion. He has scratched and clawed to earn the right to be called “The Face That Runs the Place”. Yet, here is, getting into the ring with a no-talent, waste-of-space, skinny-fat turd in James Ellsworth. Everyone knows Dean Ambrose is going to try to interfere tonight, too. Ambrose will try to embarrass and cause the biggest upset in history. He could cause a huge disgrace. This could be WCW all over again. This could be like when David Arquette won the WCW World title. It’s embarrassing, just like being in the ring with Ellsworth. If Ambrose causes him to lose the title, Styles will find him. He doesn’t care where. He will find Ambrose and take him apart, piece by piece.
MATCH 2: ALEXA BLISS VS. NAOMI
Bliss is wearing a half-assed Freddie Kreuger costume. Apparently, her gimmick is just barely dressing like characters from movies. It’s garbage, but still somehow not as bad as Naomi’s gimmick of…um…dancing and neon. We get a lock-up to start, and it’s broken immediately. Another lock-up and a break on the ropes. They shove each other until Bliss puts the referee between them. She tries a cheap shot, which Naomi blocks. Naomi with a punch before Bliss gets in the ropes. Naomi ducks a clothesline and hits a Thesz press. Bliss comes back with a kneelift. She rubs Naomi’s face into the canvas. Naomi comes back with that absolutely terrible kick spot before ending with a dropkick. Bliss backdrops her in the corner, where Naomi lands on her feet. She gets a high kick to the head before a springboard cross-body gets 2. David Otunga’s arse-kissing of Naomi is pathetic. Naomi hits a snapmare and a basement clothesline. A legdrop gets 2 before Naomi goes into a rear chinlock. Bliss breaks free with a yank of the hair. She then gets sent into the middle buckle, courtesy of a drop-toehold. Bliss rolls to the floor for a breather as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Naomi is fighting out of a chinlock. Bliss goes into a cravat. Naomi tries to reverse, but Bliss holds on. She takes Naomi to the apron, then brings her back in while keeping the hold on. Not sure the point of that. Naomi fights out, then hits a backbreaker. Both women are back up, and Naomi hits a flipping clothesline, a leg lariat and a sit-out jawbreaker. She stomps Bliss before hitting a split-legged moonsault for 2. Up top once more, Naomi gets crotched. Bliss stomps her in the back of the head, then whips her down by the hair. Bliss heads up top, and Twisted Bliss gets 3.
WINNER: ALEXA BLISS
I have to note that, much like Eve Torres’ moonsault, Bliss’ feet make contact with the mat while her body barely touches her opponent’s.
Renee Young is in the ring to congratulate Bliss, then asks for comments on Becky Lynch, who she faces in 3 weeks. Bliss says the fairy tale will be over. That night, there will be a new champion, and that champion will be the fairest of them all. Well…that was a stupid promo to cut while trying to dress like a horror movie icon.
Tonight, Dolph Ziggler will team with Rhyno and Heath Slater to take on the Miz and the Spirit Squad. Yes, they’re still employed. Up next, Curt Hawkins makes his Smackdown return.
We are in Denver, CO tonight at the Pepsi Center. As you can probably surmise (if you know me), I did not attend.
MATCH 3: APOLLO CREWS VS. CURT HAWKINS
Before the match, Hawkins tells Crews to prepare himself to face the facts. All Crews has to fear tonight is fear itself…and Curt Hawkins. After this match, Crews will have to change his name to Apollo Lose. Crews slugs Hawkins, and that has apparently ruined Hawkins’ big debut. He’s had enough.
Carmella comes out. Her music is “Brie Mode”-levels of terrible. Tonight, she’s apparently going to expose some big secret that Nikki Bella has. Two months ago in Brooklyn, NY, she was basking in the glow of her first PPV match. Whose music does she here? Nikki’s She doesn’t get why everyone is jizzing all over Nikki, but it doesn’t matter, because she’s here to “spill the tea”. That is not an expression.
Nikki of course interrupts as Carmella mugs for the cameras. Nikki wants to hear what Carmella says, and Carmella can say it to her face. Carmella isn’t surprised she’s here, because Nikki likes to steal the spotlight. She then “spills the tea” on one of the worst-kept secrets in pro wrestling, and that Nikki is here because her boyfriend is John Cena. Nikki points out that this “big news” isn’t news at all, then says Carmella is just like every other jealous hater. Nikki brags about how amazing her and Cena are before saying she chooses not to talk about her relationship. When she’s in the ring, she cares about nothing but being an athlete. She shames Carmella. Shame. Carmella calls her a bunch of names while pointing a lot. We go to a video put together of Nikki acting like the whiny, self-absorbed pile of crap she is on her “reality” shows. Back to the ring, Nikki compliments Carmella on her editing skills. Nikki then claims she paved her own road and busted her butt to get here. She also claims she has trained harder to prove fans wrong. How’s that working out, Nikki? She yammers on about being “Fearless”. The fans are unresponsive. I see several laughing, as a matter of fact. Carmella mocks Nikki’s catchphrase, then says she tells the truth. The truth is Nikki used her looks to get in the door, she used her sister to get in the ring and she used her boyfriend to become a celebrity.
Renee Young is with James Ellsworth. She asks about how he’s feeling tonight. Ellsworth admits he’s nervous. But, he somehow survived last week, and he even got to go on Talking Smack with Daniel Bryan. Tonight, he gets a shot at the title. He never thought he’d be here. He’s not in Styles’ league, but he’s going to give it his best. He gets to tell his grandkids one day he got to compete with AJ Styles for the World title. He pushes out some tears as he says this.
MATCH 3A: THE MIZ AND THE SPIRIT SQUAD (KENNY & MIKEY; W/MARYSE) VS. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION DOLPH ZIGGLER, AND SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS RHYNO & HEATH SLATER
We get an inset promo from the tag champs. Slater says they helped Rhyno last week for his kids, because they need a role model. Rhyno just doesn’t like male cheerleaders. Mikey and Rhyno start, with Rhyno going to work on the arm. They trade side headlocks before Rhyno hits a shoulder off the ropes. In the corner, Rhyno hits a shoulder in the corner. JBL mentions the Bashams. No one cares, John. Mikey boots Rhyno and tags in Kenny, who comes off the top. Rhyno catches him and hits an overhead belly-to-belly for 2. Slater tags in, and a double elbow gets 2. Slater hits an armdrag before tagging in Ziggler. Ziggler nails a punch before Kenny comes back with a jumping back elbow. Miz begs for a tag and gets it, only to run into a dropkick. Ziggler hits a corner splash, but Miz shoves off the neckbreaker before stomping Ziggler in the corner. Ziggler fights out of the heel corner and goes for the superkick, but Miz bails to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Ziggler gets some mounted punches in the corner on Miz before fighting off the Spirit Squad. Maryse trips him from behind, which allows Miz to pounce on Ziggler with punches. Miz gets a 2-count, then applies a rear chinlock. Ziggler tries for a tag, but Miz pulls him down by the hair. Kenny tags in and comes off the middle with a gut shot. A stomp gets 2. Mikey tags as David Otunga makes fun of Mikey’s physique. Can’t argue there. Ziggler counters a suplex into one of his own. Miz tags in and cuts Ziggler off from tagging out before knocking Rhyno off the apron. He then misses a clothesline before a glancing superkick knocks Miz down. Kenny and Slater tag in, with Slater teeing off on Kenny. He nails a running boot, then hits Mikey with a Harlem sidekick. A hangman’s neckbreaker gets 2 as Mikey breaks it up. Rhyno Gores him out of the ring before Kenny shoves Rhyno out. An O’Connor roll by Slater gets 2. He gets kicked off into a punch by Miz, and Kenny rolls Slater up for 3.
WINNERS: THE MIZ AND THE SPIRIT SQUAD
Daniel Bryan is on the phone with Shane McMahon. He tells Shane now that Stephanie McMahon has accepted their challenge for Survivor Series, they need to start putting together teams. He’s eventually interrupted by Natalya. She volunteers for the women’s elimination match at Survivor Series. She says it should be here because she can teach everyone in the division well and let them lead the way. Bryan accuses her of quoting Whitney Houston, which is exactly what she’s doing. He’ll take this under consideration. Nattie then shows Bryan her cat’s Instagram account.
The Denver Broncos are in the front row. Whoopty sh*t.
MATCH 4: JACK SWAGGER VS. BARON CORBIN
This is the rubber match for these guys. Swagger’s already back at jobber non-entrance status, so I doubt this goes well for him. We get an inset promo from Corbin. He calls Swagger a joke. Pot and kettle, Corbin. He says the fans don’t care about him; they’re having fun at his expense. “I like to have fun, too. And it’ll be at your expense as well. So tonight, when I beat you for a 3-count, not only am I beating you, but I’m beating everyone in this arena and everyone around the world that says ‘We the People’.” Arn Anderson or Jake “The Snake” Roberts he isn’t.
Swagger starts by ducking a clothesline and hitting a shoulder. Swagger gets a few punches in, puts on the brakes on an Irish whip, then clotheslines Corbin to the floor. Swagger rolls Corbin back in and hits a punch from the apron before Corbin shoulders him into the barricade. Back outside, Corbin forearms Swagger in the back of the head against the top of the barricade. Back in the ring, Corbin knees Swagger in the side of the head, then plants him with the End of Days for 3.
WINNER: BARON CORBIN
So much for Swagger’s return to Smackdown.
Nattie is still showing Bryan photos of her cats. We see Dean Ambrose enter the office, and he’s got a referee shirt on. Nattie leaves as Ambrose claims he’s the referee for tonight, just like last week. Tonight, he’s an unbiased zebra. Bryan informs him he cannot be the referee tonight. However, Ambrose can take any other position at ringside he wants, timekeeper, ring announcer or commentator. Ambrose says he’ll do that. Bryan is unsure of which job he wants to take.
It’s main event time, but before that, Ambrose makes his way down to ringside. Ambrose sits in the timekeeper’s area.
MATCH 5-WWE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: AJ STYLES VS. JAMES ELLSWORTH
Styles spots Ambrose at ringside. He’s still in the timekeeper’s area, but there’s also a mic in front of him. Ellsworth now has entrance music and a TitanTron screen. Ambrose is in the ring. He’s apparently going do the introductions. He does jokey intros, of course. Ambrose goes back to do timekeeper duties, ringing the bell for a longer-than-normal amount of time. Ellsworth uses the distraction to try and get a jump on things, but Styles quickly reverses into an abdominal stretch. Ambrose says to stop the match, as the show needs to go to commercials.
Back from the break, Styles snapmares Ellsworth and tries for a chinlock, but it doesn’t work, since Ellsworth doesn’t have one. Ambrose sells Ellsworth t-shirts via the TitanTron. Styles blocks a shot by Ellsworth and throws him to the corner. Styles pelts him with forearms, then turns to yell at Ambrose. Back to Ellsworth in the corner, Styles sends him into the ropes for a dropkick. Elbow to the back of the head. More trash-talking to Ambrose. Ellsworth backs Styles to the corner, which Styles no-sells before snap-suplexing Ellsworth into the buckles. He heads out and tells Ambrose this is all his fault. Back in the ring, Styles blasts Ellsworth with a chop, then sets him up for a superplex. Ambrose interrupts to announce that someone in the crowd with a blue Toyota Corolla left their lights on. Styles is distracted and drops down from the buckles. He goes back to the superplex, but Ambrose makes another announcement, this time for Verizon. Ellsworth tries to use the distraction to hit a cross-body, but Styles just walks out of the way. Styles stomps Ellsworth down and then throws him to ringside, near the announce desk. Ambrose throws Ellsworth right back in. Styles says he doesn’t want Ellsworth in the ring, so he tosses him back out. Ambrose rolls him back in. Back out. Back in. Back out. Back in. Back out. Back in. Okay, that was admittedly funny, especially because Styles kept yelling “Get out!” every time he threw Ellsworth. Styles is on the buckles, yelling at Ambrose, and Ellsworth trips him into the buckles. Ellsworth then hits a superkick Otunga calls “No Chin Music”. Okay, that made me chuckle a bit, too. Ellsworth covers for the pin, but only gets 2. A “Holy sh*t” chant breaks out. Ellsworth charges at Styles, and Styles just spinebusters the hell out of him. Styles forearms him repeatedly in the corner before the ref pulls him away. Ambrose taunts Styles, so Styles stomps Ellsworth down. More taunting as Ambrose makes fun of Styles’ offense. Styles punches Ellsworth a bunch, getting him hung up in the ropes. He refuses to stop after a 5-count, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: JAMES ELLSWORTH
Ambrose makes the official announcement as it dawns on Styles what has happened. Styles charges at Ambrose, but Ambrose stops him with Dirty Deeds before announcing Ellsworth as the man with more victories over Styles than John Cena.
END OF SHOW