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WWE SmackDown Results and May 5 Recap

WWE SmackDown is in Kansas City, MO this week. The main event will be the Usos vs. Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows.

Chris Jericho opens the show, and we get the return of “The Highlight Reel” due to Stephanie McMahon taking over half of the authority duties on RAW. Eventually, this is supposed to lead to another brand split, but for now, all decisions that happen on RAW also affect Smackdown, because Vince doesn’t care about this show right now. Jericho explains what happened on RAW, even though we just saw clips of it. He claims the potted plant weighed 20 lbs. Goes great with the 25-lb. title belts and the 250-lb. ring steps. Jericho lists off all the supposed injuries he gave Dean Ambrose before saying Ambrose isn’t in the building because of him. If Ambrose is smart, he’ll stay out for good. This is Jericho’s era, and he is giving everyone the gift of himself. Now, it’s time for his guest, Sami Zayn.

After Zayn comes out, Jericho shows everyone what happened on RAW, when a brawl between Zayn, the Miz, Kevin Owens and Cesaro broke out. Back to the arena, Jericho calls Zayn a sore loser and a dirty thief. Jericho asks what kind of a human being Zayn is an overly dramatic way that sounds terrible. Zayn says he’s pretty good guy, and most would agree. Most would also agree Jericho’s scarf makes him look stupid. Zayn says Owens did indeed beat him at Payback. He doesn’t have a problem with that; his problem was the post-match attack. If you treat Zayn like garbage, he doesn’t go away so easily. As for him grabbing the IC title on RAW, he wasn’t trying to steal anything.

The Miz and Maryse come down. They have nothing relevant to say about anything. “I am the only man who have earned the right to hold the title over his head.” That is a direct g*ddamn quote from the Miz. Miz tells Zayn to not touch his “baby” (the belt). Zayn touches it. Jericho eggs Miz on. Zayn makes fun of Jericho’s jacket. Jericho throws a fit and bails on his own show. Miz brags about being in the company for 11 years. Yes, it’s really been that long. Zayn touches the belt again. Maryse steps in and says her husband will teach Zayn a lesson. Zayn likes it and challenges Miz to a match here and now. Miz tries for a cheap shot, but Zayn ducks. Miz scurries to the floor. Commercials.

Back from the break and, as you probably have guessed, we’re starting with Miz/Zayn.

MATCH 1 (NON-TITLE): SAMI ZAYN VS. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ (W/MARYSE)
Zayn goes after the arm right away. Miz reverses an arm wringer and grinds Zayn down. Zayn rolls through and flips Miz off a wringer. Miz back Zayn to the corner, sends him in for a whip, misses, then gets hit with a trio of armdrags. Zayn mounts the buckles for some punches, but Miz escapes and drops Zayn face-first onto the top buckle. Zayn avoids an Irish whip with a reverse leapfrog and hits a leg lariat for 2. Zayn applies a side headlock. Miz gets a break in the corner, then boots him in the gut. Miz with kicks. Zayn knocks him ass over tea kettle with a clothesline, and another one sends Miz to the floor. Miz drags him out and rams him back-first into the apron. Zayn avoids a whip into the barricade and comes off with a moonsault. Miz sold too early. Kevin Owens slowly makes his way to ringside as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Miz hits the flailing clothesline in the corner. Owens is on commentary. Miz is distracted as he heads to the top rope. I’d say he’s got a Shemp Howard haircut, but that’s an insult to Shemp. He comes off with a double axe handle, then celebrates as Owens mocks him. Zayn counters the SCF with a victory roll. Zayn gets a few strikes in, then low-bridges Miz to the floor, right in front of the announce desk. Zayn wipes Miz out with a tope con hilo to the floor, then gets into an argument with Owens. Owens sits down as Miz gets back to his feet. Zayn rolls him back in, and Owens leaves the announce desk. He clubs Zayn from behind, leading to the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: SAMI ZAYN.

Owens trash-talks some more, and he & Miz begin double-teaming Zayn. Cesaro runs down and starts pelting both Owens and Miz with European uppercuts, leaving his sunglasses on the entire time. He accidentally hits Zayn when Miz pulls him in. Maryse tries to stop the Cesaro Swing on Miz, so Cesaro drags her in as well. Owens charges at Cesaro and gets launched, giving Miz a chance to bail. Cesaro spots the IC title belt and celebrates with it.

We see Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson and AJ Styles talking in the back. Anderson complains about Styles not smashing Roman Reigns with the chair. Styles says this isn’t like “back in the day”. He was so close to beating Reigns at Payback, but at the end of the night, Reigns retained. He will be champion, but on his own. Anderson and Gallows say Reigns has no respect for Styles. Styles needs to take risks and go extreme. Styles says he’s going to have a chat with Reigns before walking off.

More from Epico and Primo. They talk about Puerto Rican cuisine. Then they eat and drink. It’s very exciting television. Jerry Lawler then shills his restaurant in Memphis, TN.

We go back to Enzo Amore getting injured at Payback. Fortunately, he’s okay. On a related note, the Vaudevillains are now the #1 contenders for the WWE Tag Team Championship via forfeit.

MATCH 2: THE VAUDEVILLAINS (AIDEN ENGLISH AND SIMON GOTCH) VS. CURTIS AXEL AND BO DALLAS
We get an inset promo from the Vaudevillains. They are going to turn back the clock on the New Day at Extreme Rules. The two members of the Social Outcasts get a jobber non-entrance, which is deserved. Axel and English start, with Axel hitting an armdrag. He clips Axel off a Gotch distraction, then stomps him down before tagging in Gotch. The ‘Villains do a bit of double-teaming for a 1-count, and now Gotch has a rear chinlock. Axel armdrags out before the two clothesline simultaneously. English and Dallas tag in. Dallas hits a few elbows from the apron, then catches a belly-to-belly off the ropes for 2 as Gotch breaks it up. Axel comes in and sends Gotch to the outside, only for Gotch to land on the apron and then backdrop Axel to the floor. Back in, English blocks a corner charge from Dallas. Gotch tags in, and the Whirling Dervish gets 3.

WINNERS: THE VAUDEVILLAINS.

Big Cass makes his way out. He says the ‘Villains look like they came off the set of Sherlock Holmes, trying to solve the mystery of who got whooped? He says it’s both of them, and since we’re in Kansas City, they will get a Royal beat-down. They jump him as he comes in, but Cass fights off both successfully. Axel gets back in the in the ring and screams at the ‘Villains, like he’s Cass’ buddy. Cass hits him with an East River Crossing (sidewinder).

MATCH 3: NATALYA AND BECKY LYNCH VS. EMMA AND WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE (W/RIC FLAIR)
This is on the heels of WWE dusting off the Montreal Screwjob at Payback. Again. Let that g*ddamn finish die. We get a shill for Susan G. Komen’s bullsh*t foundation. Emma is trying too hard to be a cross between Summer Rae and Lay-Cool, something even Rae and Lay-Cool aren’t good at. Charlotte has on the worst entrance robe I’ve ever seen.

Nattie and Charlotte start. We get a version of the Tennessee Spot before Nattie goes into a front chancery. Becky tags in for some double-teaming, ending in a wishbone. Lynch drops a leg, an elbow and a spinning legdrop for 2. Nattie back in, and she rolls Charlotte up for 1. Charlotte gets a rope-break off a waistlock, then hits a half-assed boot for 2. Emma tags in, and the workrate immediately goes down. Emma kicks, then tags out. Charlotte lands a couple knife-edges. Emma in. A hair-mare sets up a kick to the spine by Charlotte for 2. Emma does some stupid spot to the knee, then goes for some mounted punches, only to completely miss and instead hit Nattie in the shoulder. She sucks so much. Charlotte back in for some boots. She pie-faces Nattie on the ropes, then goes to a rear chinlock. Nattie gets hair-whipped as Charlotte taunts Lynch. Emma botches a tag. HOW DO YOU BOTCH A TAG? Nattie reverses a throw to the corner and crawls for the tag. Emma cuts her off, but is kicked away. Lynch tags in and kicks the hell out of Emma. Charlotte pulls Emma to the floor, so Lynch gets in her face. Emma forearms Lynch from behind before rolling her back in the ring. Charlotte tags in and covers Lynch for 1, then goes into her version of the Taco Twister. Commercials.

Back from the break, Charlotte is working over Lynch’s leg. She goes for the Figure-8, but Lynch rolls her up for 2. Lynch gets in a few shots before Charlotte comes back with another terrible boot, causing herself to fall in the process. Emma tags back. More kicks. Another hair-mare. Stepping on the hair. Kick to the back. This is just sucktastic. Charlotte tags back in off a cheap shot on the apron, then hits the Flair Knee. She forearms Nattie on the apron as Emma does more kicking. Emma tags back in. She changes up her offense with slaps. Lynch kicks her in her stupid face before getting sent to the heel corner. Lynch fights her way out and whiffs an enziguri on Emma. Charlotte and Nattie tag in. Nattie with a pair of clotheslines. Charlotte misses a corner charge and receives a slingshot ass drop. Nattie with a basement dropkick and a discus clothesline, which sets up the Sharpshooter. Charlotte makes a tag, which allows Emma to break up the hold. She hits a butterfly suplex and the Emmamite Sandwich gets 2 before Lynch breaks it up. Charlotte comes in, and Lynch throws her to the floor. Back in the ring, Nattie locks in the Sharpshooter as Lynch keeps Charlotte at bay at ringside. Emma taps.

WINNERS: BECKY LYNCH AND NATALYA.

We see Roman Reigns talking to the Usos. AJ Styles enters their locker room. Styles says he took the high road on RAW. Next time, it will be different. He says this isn’t a threat. The other boys will be in the main event, and Styles wants to know if Reigns will be out there. Reigns says he goes where he wants. Styles will see him out there.

Rusev and Lana are in the back, mocking Kalisto.

John Cena is back, four months early from surgery. That means he’ll get another serious injury in short order, like always.

Darren Young has apparently been searching for a life coach. It’s going to be Bob Backlund, because nothing makes sense anymore. Whoever settled on this angle had to have been higher than Ed Leslie in a subway token booth.

MATCH 4: ZACK RYDER VS. RUSEV (W/LANA)
Jerry Lawler tries to claim Rusev has a “new, powerful physique”. He looks the same as ever, by the way. Ryder hits two dropkicks, sending Rusev to the floor. Rusev goes on the attack before Ryder escapes a lawn dart and sends Rusev into the ring post. He then sends Rusev into another post before rolling him in. Rusev kicks him on the way back in, then deadifts him into a pair of gutwrench suplexes. Cesaro he is not. Rusev is legitimately bruised on the forehead from the ring post shots. Rusev stomps Ryder’s back and applies the Accolade for the submission win.

WINNER: RUSEV.

Kalisto hits the ring and lights Rusev up with some kicks before hitting a corkscrew cross-body and heading back up the ramp, where he celebrates with his US title.

Fandango and Goldust are practicing dancing in the back. Then R-Truth and Tyler Breeze join in. Fandango challenges Gorgeous Truth to a match with Goldango. Truth accepts. Fandango and Goldust continue dancing. This is the kind of stuff that makes people embarrassed to be wrestling fans.

MATCH 5: KARL ANDERSON AND LUKE GALLOWS (W/AJ STYLES) VS. THE USOS (JEY AND JIMMY, W/ROMAN REIGNS)
This show has been overkill with tag team matches and angles. Is Teddy Long secretly still the GM?

Anderson and an Uso start. Uso gets a few shots in, mainly chops. This is Jey. Jey reverses a whip and gets in a crucifix for 2. Anderson drops him with a knee and stomps him down. Punches by Anderson before he runs into one of the worst dropkicks in history. I swear Jey’s ass is the only thing that made contact. Some quick double-teaming after a tag to Jimmy gets 2. More chops from Jimmy. Anderson backdrops Jimmy to the floor off a corner charge. Reigns checks on Jimmy, and that’s when Anderson kicks Reigns in the face. Reigns runs in, and we get the match thrown out when Styles enters the fray. You know what this means.

WINNER: NO CONTEST.

A bunch of referees hit the ring to pull Styles and Reigns apart. Eventually, the two sides are separated. Styles gets on the mic and says they are finishing what they started now.

The match is turned into a 6-man. Go figure. Reigns and Styles start, with Styles applying a side headlock. Reigns hits a shoulder off the ropes. Styles fights back before Reigns throws him to the corner. Styles kicks him away, then catches a small package for 2. Reigns blocks a sunset flip and picks Styles up into a fireman’s carry. Styles escapes, only to eat an uppercut for 2. Styles fires back with some kicks before Anderson tags in. Anderson clubs away at Reigns in the corner. Reigns blocks a charge in the corner, then lands a running schoolboy for 2. A mafia kick drops Anderson. He tags in an Uso, and we get some triple-teaming. Jey covers for 2 before Anderson muscles him to the corner for a tag to Gallows. Gallows eats an uppercut after Jimmy makes a blind tag. Gallows sends him to the apron, then boots him into the barricade off an Anderson distraction. Gallows heads out to slam Jimmy into the apron. Back in, Gallows covers for 2. Shots in the corner, and now Anderson is back in. Anderson with a Rocket Kick. Styles tags in and lands a corner clothesline. He blocks a kick, but Jimmy spins through with a reverse Dragon Whip. Anderson and Reigns tag in. Anderson tries to make Reigns look strong, but it’s not working. The crowd hates Reigns. Reigns throws a bunch of clotheslines and punches on Anderson and Styles on the apron. He nails Gallows with a Superman Punch, but an attempt on Styles results in a hotshot. Anderson rolls him up for 2. He avoids a charge by an Uso, resulting in a tope suicida on Gallows at ringside. Anderson takes the Superman Punch, and now Reigns calls for the spear. Styles blasts Reigns mid-run with a Superman Punch of his own. Anderson gets 2 as Styles gets pulled to the floor. Anderson hits a spinebuster for another 2. Anderson screams in Reigns’ face in the corner, but Reigns nails him with a spear for 3 as Styles tries to break it up, but one of the Usos holds his leg.

WINNERS: ROMAN REIGNS AND THE USOS.

Reigns and Styles have a stare-down as the show goes off the air.

END OF SHOW.

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Dustin Nichols

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