WWE SmackDown is in Norfolk, VA this week. This week, Kalisto will face Rusev for the US title in a rematch from Extreme Rules. Also, Cesaro will face the Miz for the Intercontinental title.
Michael Cole is in the ring, with the Money in the Bank briefcase on a table. He brings up the MITB PPV and how seven men will vie for the case. Five men qualified on RAW, and one of those men is his guest tonight, that being Dean Ambrose.
Ambrose comes down, and this will be his first MITB match, according to the announce team. However, this is not true, as Ambrose competed in the 2014 match, won by Seth Rollins. Cole congratulates Ambrose on winning the first ever Asylum match at Extreme Rules. Ambrose says Chris Jericho felt what it was like to step into his world. Ambrose has done it all in terms of extreme, and when things get dangerous, he’s just getting started. Cole brings up the concept of the MITB match, in case none of us knew, then points out 14 out of 16 winners of MITB have cashed in successfully. What will Ambrose do if he wins?
Before Ambrose can answer, another qualifier, Kevin Owens, comes down to the ring. Unlike Ambrose, this will actually be his first MITB match. Owens wants to know why Cole is here. He’s bad enough on RAW, but now Smackdown? Cole better get out of the ring before Owens enters. Owens continues to scream at Cole, and Cole bails. Owens says Ambrose is crazy if he thinks he has a chance at MITB. Owens will climb the ladder, get the prize and become “Mr. Money in the Bank”.
Now it’s time for Sami Zayn, yet another qualifier and MITB first-timer, to interrupt. Zayn asks if Owens was going to blame him for the loss at Wrestlemania. Zayn says no one cares what Owens has to say. Ambrose jokes about it. Owens calls Zayn a joke. Zayn is tired of letting Owens into his head. This time, his focus is the briefcase, and Owens won’t stop him. Neither will Ambrose.
Alberto Del Rio interrupts because why the f**k not? He points out he’s won MITB and successfully cashed in. He plans to do it again this year. Zayn points out he’s not in the match yet and has to beat Zack Ryder tonight. Owens attacks Zayn from behind before Owens and Ambrose brawl a bit. Zayn goes for a Helluva Kick on Owens, but he ducks. Zayn puts on the brakes before connecting with Ambrose as Owens slides to the floor. Ambrose goes for Dirty Deeds, but Zayn escapes.
MATCH 1-MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH: ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. ZACK RYDER
I will be shocked if they give Ryder another upset here. At the same time, I’ve heard Triple H pretty much hates ADR in real life and thinks he’s overpaid and under-talented, so you never know. We get an inset promo from Ryder. He says he shouldn’t even be here, but after ten years, he had his Wrestlemania moment. That is nothing compared to winning the MITB case. He’s not supposed to be here, but deserves to be here.
Ryder avoids a charge and pounds on ADR in the corner. ADR comes back with a kick and a clothesline. ADR continues the attack in the corner before snapping off a suplex for 1. ADR chokes Ryder on the bottom rope, then heads to the floor for a kick to the side of the head. You can see him slap his thigh a g*ddamn mile away. Back in the ring, Ryder throws a few rights before taking a kick to the gut. Ryder comes back with a flapjack off the ropes, sending ADR to the floor. Ryder dropkicks him through the ropes before dropping him with a swinging neckbreaker at ringside. Commercials.
Back from the break, ADR is back in control with a chinlock. During the commercial, ADR hit the double stomp from the ring steps. Back to the match in progress, Ryder hits a facebuster off the ropes. A pair of knees in the corner before Ryder misses a missile dropkick from the middle. ADR lands a thrust kick for 2. Again, Stevie Wonder could see that thigh slap. He calls for the jujigatame, but Ryder reverses into a jawbreaker before throwing ADR face-first into the buckles. Ryder connects with the Broski Boot for 2. He stares up at the case before signaling for the Rough Ryder. ADR sees it and tosses Ryder into the buckles. He kicks Ryder in the back, then sets up the double stomp from the top. Ryder pulls himself up a bit as ADR takes too long. The result is ADR missing and hurting his knee. Ryder hits the Rough Ryder, but ADR rolls to the floor before he can get the pin. Ryder rolls him back in and goes for the pin, which ADR reverses into the worst jujigatame you’ve ever seen for the submission win.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO.
Well, that was pointless and stupid. There is now one spot left in the match.
Jerry Lawler wears some of the goofiest damn shirts I’ve ever seen.
We go to clips from Extreme Rules, which saw the return of Seth Rollins, who attacked Roman Reigns after he beat AJ Styles. This leads into Rollins’ return to RAW the next night and right into him being the new #1 contender for the World title. Rollins returns to Smackdown tonight.
John Cena makes his latest (too early) return this Monday night on RAW.
Enzo Amore makes his return to Smackdown, along with Big Cass, doing their usual routine. Before Enzo can get too far into his promo, however, the Dudley Boyz come out. Enzo points out the Dudleyz lost on RAW, and they seem lost being here. This just leads to a bunch of rambling that doesn’t bear repeating. Cass says they’re problem solvers and they’ll solve the Dudleyz’s problem by taking them out of the occasion with a beat-down right now. D-Von Dudley agrees to the match…before Bubba Ray Dudley says not tonight. They’re going to do this on RAW. Bubba then asks if they can get the hell out of this town. Cass calls them “sawft”. Waste of time segment.
Speaking of wastes of time, here’s Renee Young with Lana and Rusev. Lana calls Rusev the greatest US Champion of all time. Rusev calls Kalisto nothing. He’s a baby. Milk is for babies. Championships are for grown men. Alright, then.
We get a video for the Miz’s fluke win at Extreme Rules before Cesaro whipped his ass in a MITB qualifier on RAW.
Lana is in the ring to do introduce Rusev. Boy, I didn’t miss this crap at all.
MATCH 2: WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: RUSEV (CHAMPION) VS. KALISTO
Rusev’s tights are ridiculous. They go above the top of the strap of the US title when he has it around his waist. Looks like he’s wearing a diaper. Eden Stiles does the formal introductions for this match, in what should be her last appearance on WWE TV, as she left the company with husband Cody Rhodes. She starts to introduce Kalisto first, but Rusev demands first intro.
Kalisto starts with a series of kicks to the legs and a spinning headscissors off the ropes. Kalisto with an apron kick off a backdrop. He goes for a springboard, but Rusev just sort of throws his hands into Kalisto’s gut. Commercials.
Back from the break, Kalisto gets sent hard into the buckles. Kalisto manages a few more kicks before trying a bodyslam. He can’t get Rusev up, so Rusev kicks him in the back and hits a bodyslam of his own. Kalisto ducks a short-arm and goes for a slam again, but Rusev just falls on him for 2. Rusev’s tattoo looks like he had the brown apple splatters while laying on his back. Rusev screams in Kalisto’s face for trying another slam, only for Kalisto to escape and finally hit the bodyslam. Kalisto avoids an avalanche and gets a schoolboy for 2. Kalisto fires off some weak strikes, ducks a pair of clotheslines and hits a springboard corkscrew plancha. A spike ‘rana gets 2. Kalisto goes to the apron for a seated splash, which Rusev catches. Kalisto holds on and takes him over to the floor, then hits a split-legged moonsault. Back in, Kalisto gets 2. Rusev blocks the Salida Del Sol by setting Kalisto on the top rope. He falls into the tree of woe, but pulls himself up on a diving headbutt attempt by Rusev. Kalisto turns himself around for a dive, but one of his feet is stuck. Rusev throws him off, Kalisto rolls through, avoids a charge and knocks Rusev down with another kick. He goes up top and goes for a 450 splash, but Rusev gets his knees up. Rusev connects with a superkick to the back of the head. He stomps Kalisto’s back and applies the Accolade, pulling himself all the way back to the mat in the process. Kalisto taps almost immediately.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: RUSEV.
Rusev rolls Kalisto back in after the match for more punishment, only for the returning Titus O’Neil to show up. Titus gets right in Rusev’s face and demands a title match right now, if Rusev still wants to fight. Rusev says no and leaves while Titus continues to challenge him.
We go to video from RAW of Charlotte kicking Ric Flair to the curb, which is long overdue. Charlotte still needs a mouthpiece, though. I do appreciate the promo from RAW, though, where she basically calls Flair out for hanging on too long and that she’s sick of just being “Ric Flair’s daughter”.
Jerry Lawler can’t figure out whether he’s supposed to be a heel in regards to Charlotte as she comes down for color commentary for the next match.
MATCH 3: DANA BROOKE VS NATALYA
Brooke is apparently Charlotte’s new running buddy. The senselessness of this company continues. Nattie locks in the Sharpshooter in a hurry, only for Charlotte to blast her from behind for the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: NATALYA.
Nattie gets the Sharpshooter on Charlotte before taking on them both. Eventually, the numbers are too much as Charlotte yanks Nattie down by the hair. Charlotte hits an incredibly weak exploder to send Nattie to the floor. Brooke and Charlotte celebrate, despite the fact that Brooke did exactly jack and shite here. Yeah, flex your non-existent biceps, you waste of space.
WWE is doing everything they can to turn Roman Reigns into the next Super Cena. The fans hate Super Cena, so sure! Let’s do it again! It worked so well with Super Orton, too!
Renee Young is standing by with AJ Styles. She points out his pair of losses this week before asking what’s next. Styles says being in the WWE has been an uphill battle. He lost some pride and friends, but he was this close to winning the title on Sunday. He has to live with that loss. He’s not sure what’s next, but he’ll think of something.
MATCH 4: GOLDEN TRUTH (GOLDUST AND R-TRUTH) VS. BREEZANGO (TYLER BREEZE AND FANDANGO)
I swear I did not make “Breezango” up. Breeze and Truth lock up. Breeze misses a clothesline, so Truth goes to a headlock. He hits a couple shoulders for 2, then lands a hip throw. Fandango tags in. Truth fights both the heels off before Fandango hits a dropkick. Truth escapes an arm wringer and hits a leg lariat. Fandango knocks Goldust off the apron before Truth backdrops him. Truth looks for a tag, but Goldust is on the floor. A moment later, Goldust tries to climb in and gets stopped by the referee. This allows Breeze to hit the Supermodel Kick before Fandango gets the pin.
“Breezango”. Whoever in creative came up with that needs to have their nipples scoured off with a rusty SOS pad.
After some commercials, we see the Golden Truth in the back. Goldust says they are not losers; they are tmost powerful alliance the WWE Universe has ever known. Breezango (ugh) walk up laughing. Breeze makes fairy tale jokes. Then they walk off. Goldust says the WWE Universe needs the Golden Truth. Truth is with him and is willing to give it another go. I bet Goldust is glad he spent all that time doing his face paint only to not do any wrestling.
Seth Rollins comes out to a pretty sizable pop. The reaction turns decidedly mixed once his entrance music stops playing. Rollins says he’s back, and what better way to cap off a great week by coming to Smackdown? Much to his surprise, everyone at RAW was excited to see him, so he wants to ask this audience if they missed him. Big pop, followed by a “Welcome back” chant. Rollins responds that he can’t say the same to the audience. Arrive. Insult the audience. Mic drop. Leave.
MATCH 5-INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CESARO VS. THE MIZ (CHAMPION, W/MARYSE)
Cesaro slaps Miz off an arm wringer. He ducks a clothesline and rolls Miz up for 2 before knocking him to the floor off a dropkick. Cesaro hits a cannonball off the apron as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Miz is in control, working over Cesaro’s injured shoulder. He catapults Cesaro under the bottom rope, then baseball slides him to the barricade. Outside, Cesaro avoids an apron slam, then does it to Miz before rolling him back in. Miz snaps Cesaro’s arm across the bottom rope, then sends him into the barricade once more. Back in the ring, Miz gets 2 before going into some mounted punches. Miz works over the arm a bit more before a quick boot gets 2. Mauro Ranallo says this is reminiscent of the Minnesota Wrecking Crew as I die a little inside. Cesaro fights out and hits a European uppercut. Miz blocks a second one and gets in a backslide for 2. Cesaro pushes out of the Reality Check and hits another European uppercut, then three more. He sets up the Uppercut Train, but Miz blocks after just one connects. He then immediately walks right into a Very European Uppercut for 2. Miz snaps him down with another arm wringer and a snap DDT gets 2. Miz tells the ref to check on Cesaro as he tries to pull off a turnbuckle. Miz then reprimands the referee as Maryse finishes the job. Cesaro blocks a throw into the exposed buckle and slugs away at Miz before hitting a flying European from the middle rope. The referee reattaches the buckle pad as Cesaro hits another European and goes for the Neutralizer. Miz backdrops out of it, only for Cesaro to roll through into a sunset flip. Miz rolls through that and goes for the figure-4, which Cesaro turns into a small package. The referee finally turns around to count, but it’s only good for 2. Cesaro argues with the referee as Miz tries an O’Conner roll for 2. Cesaro rolls through and locks in the Sharpshooter. Miz crawls and manages to get to the bottom rope. Miz pulls Cesaro to the floor, but he lands on his feet and hits yet another European. Back in, Cesaro goes for the Cesaro Swing, but Miz escapes to the floor. Miz calls for Maryse and grabs the IC title, looking to take a count-out loss. Cesaro blasts him at ringside with a running European, rolls him back in and gets 2 off a cross-body. Miz pulls the buckle pad from earlier back off behind the ref’s back, and when Cesaro runs in for another uppercut, he collides with the exposed buckle. Miz hits the Skull-Crushing Finale for 3.
WINNER: THE MIZ.
Shite. Pure and utter shite.
END OF SHOW.