We are already off to a bad start, as the Miz and Maryse are on commentary for the opening match. Sami Zayn is there as well. As much as I love Zayn, I have to go on mute. My love for Zayn is far outweighed by my pure hatred of Mr. and Mrs. Mizanin.
MATCH 1: KEVIN OWENS VS. CESARO
Cesaro and Owens immediately trade blows, with Cesaro getting the better of the exchange. Owens comes back with a corner clothesline, only to run into a dropkick for 1. Owens rolls to the floor, right in front of the announce desk. He pulls Cesaro out, but gets chopped as he’s distracted. Back in, Cesaro with a bodyslam and a diving elbow from the middle of the middle rope for 2. Owens blocks a suplex and tries for one himself. Cesaro blocks and finally lands it for 2. Owens eats a European uppercut, then bails to the floor off an Irish whip attempt. Cesaro knocks him into next week with a running European against the guardrail. Cesaro is distracted by Maryse after rolling Owens in, and that allows Owens to knock him off the apron before whipping him into the steps. Owens talks trash to both Miz and Zayn at ringside, then rolls Cesaro in before mocking Miz’s dumbass taunt. A running senton gets 2. Owens tees off on Cesaro in the corner, then nails a running back elbow to the neck for 2. Owens and Cesaro trade some chops before Cesaro goes for a sunset flip. Owens blocks it with a punch and goes for a senton, but Cesaro gets his knees up. Cesaro fires off on Owens, rolls through an Irish whip onto the apron and boots Owens through the ropes. Owens crotches him as he tries a top rope move, then then hits the cannonball for 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Cesaro is fighting out of a chinlock. Owens stops him with a back elbow as we get a close-up on Miz and Maryse tonguing each other. Back to the match, Cesaro crotches Owens up top. Owens fights off a superplex, so Cesaro nails him with a standing dropkick. Back up. Cesaro hits a deadlift gutwrench superplex in a damn impressive spot. Cesaro continues the attack with European uppercuts, leading to the Uppercut Train. Owens backdrops him to the outside, but Cesaro lands on the apron before coming off the top with a cross-body for 2. He calls for the Neutralizer, but Owens backdrops out. Cesaro lands on his feet, blocks a superkick and goes for the Cesaro Swing. Owens pulls himself to the apron, where he hotshots Cesaro before landing on the announce desk. There, he nails Zayn with a cheapshot. Owens turns around into a somersault plancha from the apron by Cesaro. Cesaro then shoves Miz down before coming back in. In the ring, Cesaro hits a springboard spinning European, then finally locks on the Cesaro Swing. He breaks it early to nail Miz on the apron, only to turn around into a superkick by Owens for 2. Owens eats yet another European uppercut, and that’s when Zayn enters the ring. Cesaro nails him, and the distraction is enough for Owens to roll up Cesaro with a handful of tights for 3.
WINNER: KEVIN OWENS.
Cesaro hits a European uppercut on Miz, then gets hit with the Helluva Kick by Zayn. Miz then drops Cesaro with the Skull-Crushing Finale.
In the main event tonight, Luke Gallows jobs to Roman Reigns.
MATCH 2: PAIGE VS. DANA BROOKE
Becky Lynch is on commentary, which is the only saving grace here.
The best part is when Lynch describes Brooke as “As tough as a plank of wood, and about as smart as one, too.”
F**k this. Brooke wins with the Whiplash (fireman’s carry driver).
WINNER: DANA BROOKE.
Sweet Jeezus, this match was pathetic. Paige was on offense for about 95% of it and lost on a fluke.
Renee Young is with Rusev and Lana. Oh, this show just gets better and better! Young goes back to RAW, where Rusev beat Kalisto up and kayfabe injured him. Lana says Kalisto is no champion and Rusev is the best. Rusev actually says he made Kalisto humble. There’s nothing else of note here.
MATCH 3: DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. SHEAMUS
Holy balls. Three matches in, and we haven’t had any tag team action yet. This has gotta be some kind of record. Sheamus gets a rope break on a waistlock, then charges at Ziggler with a devastating lock-up. Ziggler counters with a hammerlock, eats a back elbow, avoids a corner whip and hits a dropkick. Sheamus comes back with some kicks and a European uppercut. Ziggler hits a kick off the ropes and rolls Sheamus up for 2. Sheamus hits a gut punch and a kneelift, knocking Ziggler to the apron. Ziggler counters the 10 Beats with a hotshot, but then runs right into a clothesline for 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Sheamus hits a running shoulder thrust, a running kneelift and an Irish Hammer. Sheamus grinds away on a rear chinlock. Ziggler escapes and goes for a superkick, but Sheamus blocks and jerks his knee out of his knee. Sheamus with the 10 Beats of the Bodhran (but not all 10), and a suplex back in gets 2. More chinlocking action. Ziggler manages to escape by throwing Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus back in, and he misses the Brogue Kick, which allows Ziggler to miraculously connect with the rocker dropper on the first try for 2. Ziggler hits a corner splash, then another. Sheamus escapes a neckbreaker, and Ziggler runs right into an Irish Curse for 2. Sheamus goes for a modified falcon arrow, which gets 2. Ziggler sneaks in a headbutt and goes for the Zig-Zag. Sheamus blocks and gives a diving Ziggler a hotshot. Ziggler mostly no-sells and lands a superkick for 3.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER.
When Sheamus is not only jobbing to Ziggler, but jobbing to the superkick along the way, you know how far his stock has fallen.
Baron Corbin comes out. He says he’ll do what he does best on Sunday, and that’s be Bo Dallas on steroids. And no one can stop him.
Chris Jericho comes out to enter the Asylum, aka the cage he’ll face Dean Ambrose in on Sunday at Extreme Rules. All it is is a cage with weapons hanging above it, and you can only win by pinfall or submission. Jericho points out the cage, and it is incredibly underwhelming. I mean, it’s nothing but a regular-sized cage. It’s esssentially TNA’s Lethal Lockdown, but it’s 1-on-1 and takes place in a 4-sided ring. Oh, I’m sorry. Jericho is rambling on about how awesome he is. The Asylum lowers all the way to the ring as Jericho points out the different weapons. He mispronounces “kendo stick”. Apparently, Ambrose will be in the hospital for 40 days after Jericho is done with him.
At some point, Ambrose entered the cage wearing a fake beard and mustache. I have no idea when that happened. Ambrose assaults Jericho by ramming him into the cage walls. He climbs up and grabs a kendo stick. Jericho gets whacked repeatedly before he manages to escape the cage. I find it odd that a cage where escape doesn’t matter has a door. It’d be one thing if this were still the days where a ring crew assembled the cage right before the match, but it’s pre-built and lowered down. They could just have the wrestlers enter the ring like normal, then lower the cage and save themselves some trouble.
Dammit. We’ve got an 8-man match next.
Another video from Darren Young and Bob Backlund. Backlund asks Young to recite the presidents in order. I’m guessing this has to be something of an inside joke, as I’ve heard Backlund demands kids do that when asking for an autograph.
MATCH 4: WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE NEW DAY (BIG E, KOFI KINGSTON & XAVIER WOODS) AND BIG CASS VS. THE VAUDEVILLAINS (AIDEN ENGLISH & SIMON GOTCH) AND THE DUDLEY BOYZ (BUBBA RAY & D-VON)
E and D-Von start. D-Von clubs away before E traps him in a belly-to-belly for 2. Kofi tags in and connects with a corner splash of E’s back. D-Von nails him from behind off a distraction, tags in Bubba and hits an atomic drop. Bubba with a bodyslam before missing a splash. The New Day go into the Unicorn Stampede. E tags in Kofi and sends him in for a corner basement dropkick. Commercials.
Back from the break, Woods is dominating Bubba in the corner. Bubba reverses a whip and runs into a boot. Gotch causes a distractiong, which allows English and Bubba to double-team Woods a bit. Gotch tags in and stomps Woods down. English in, and the Vaudevillains hit a quick series of moves for 2 as Bubba yells at his partners. Gotch tags back in, and the ‘Villains continue the double-teaming for 2. Gotch applies a front chancery before Woods tries to muscle his way to his corner. English causes a distraction before Gotch muscles Woods over with a throw for 2. English tags in, and the ‘Villains ram Woods chest-first into the apron. Both Dudleyz are screaming at the ‘Villains now, apparently pissed they’re not getting any tags. English finally agrees to tag to Bubba, who drops an elbow for 2. Bubba continues to scream because he’s a sh*t-mouthed fatass. Too much taunting, and Woods drops him with an enziguri. D-Von and Cass tag in. Cass cleans house on all the heels, then hits D-Von with a corner splash and a bodyslam. The Empire Elbow connects for 2, only for Gotch to break it up. Gotch receives an overhead belly-to-belly from E, with English getting thrown to the floor as well. Outside, English nails Woods before E throws Kofi onto English at ringside. The Dudleyz boot E to the floor and gang up on Cass. Cass fights them both off, then botches the unholy hell out of a sidewinder on Bubba before hitting another Empire Elbow for 3.
WINNERS: BIG CASS AND THE NEW DAY.
Cass’ new finisher sucks. It’s a f**king elbow, and a sh*tty one at that. He barely gets any height, and he flails all over while he does it.
John Cena returns a week from Monday. Roughly 4 months early, which means he’ll be back on the shelf even quicker. They try to equate it to toughness every time Cena comes back early. It’s not toughness; it’s stupidity. No wonder the poor bastard is never healthy.
We get a long video package for Natalya vs. Charlotte, discussing the submission finishers of both women.
MATCH 5: LUKE GALLOWS (W/KARL ANDERSON AND AJ STYLES) VS. ROMAN REIGNS (W/THE USOS)
Rumour has it Vince McMahon has given up on Roman Reigns and isn’t happy with how Anderson & Gallows have been booked. If true, I am legitimately shocked, because that actually makes sense. McMahon hasn’t said or done anything that has made sense in years.
We go back to RAW for a moment, and I’m amazed Styles was allowed to hit the Styles Clash on Reigns. Onto the match, Reigns starts with a side headlock. Gallows reverses into his own before running through Reigns with a shoulder. Reigns gets him in a waistlock, then clotheslines him against the ropes. Gallows shoulders Reigns down, then shoulders him through the ropes to the floor. You got this, Uce! Superkick, dawg! Uce! Family! What! Words of wisdom from the Usos. Back in, Reigns gets in some mounted punches. He hits a Samoan drop after two tries, getting 2. Gallows heads to the floor, where he falls victim to the Drive-By. Commercials.
Back from the break, Reigns is kicking the middle rope into Gallows’ junk. Gallows recovers and clotheslines Reigns for 2. Gallows slugs away in the corner, then drops an elbow not once, not twice, but thrice. That’s good for 2, and now Gallows is driving his elbow into Reigns’ shoulder before applying a chinlock. Reigns escapes before Gallows gives him a big headbutt. Gallows hits an avalanche for 1. Back to the chinlock. Reigns fights out, then receives an uppercut. Reigns gets a boot off the ropes, a back elbow and an uppercut. Reigns hits a misdirection clothesline, a corner clothesline and a flying clothesline from the middle rope for 2. Ten clotheslines in the corner, just to vary things up a bit. Reign hits a boot off the ropes before staring down at Styles. Reigns loads up the Superman Punch, but is distracted by Anderson. Gallows rolls him up for 2. Gallows misses a Yakuza kick and eats a Superman Punch. Styles grabs Reigns’ foot as he calls for the spear. This leads to a four-man brawl between Anderson, Styles and the Usos at ringside. Reigns nails Styles with the Drive-By, then back in, Gallows hits him with a big boot and a Gallows Pole for 2. Anderson rolls into the ring, and this leads to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: ROMAN REIGNS.
Anderson and Gallows hit the Boot of Doom on Reigns, laying him out. Meanwhile, Styles slides a couple chairs in. The Usos come and clear the ring, only to have Styles fight them both off by himself. Styles dropkick Reigns to the floor, then tears up the announce desk. Reigns slams Styles onto the announce desk and pounds away before Gallows cuts him off. The Usos and Anderson get involved once more as Styles & Reigns continue to brawl as the show goes off the air.
END OF SHOW.