Alright, I’m already angry about this show this week, and it hasn’t even started. Why? Because I know at least two of the matches taking place, including the main event, and I see stupid, unnecessary jobs coming from people who deserve better.
We are in Des Moines, IA. The Usos take on Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows with the stipulation that Roman Reigns and AJ Styles are banned from ringside.
Dean Ambrose comes out as we go to footage from RAW where Ambrose assaulted Chris Jericho, stole the Lite-Brite jacket and then destroyed it before getting into a brawl with Jericho. The audio on my feed is terrible. Ambrose complains about owing Jericho $15 grand. He thinks they’re even. Jericho destroyed his plant, so he destroyed Jericho’s jacket. He’s upset that Jericho tried to end his career when he smashed the plant over Ambrose’s head. The ring is all he has, and as long as his heart is beating, no one can take it away. Jericho tried to take away everything from him, so he will take everything from Jericho. Ambrose makes fun of Jericho’s clothes and hair, then says he’ll take Jericho’s ego. Jericho likes to convince people he’s the best in the world. When Ambrose is done with him, Jericho will question whether or not wrestling is for him anymore.
Jericho comes out. No replacement jacket. The lights come back on, and Jericho is in the ring with Ambrose laid out. Jericho has a bag in his hand, which contains a straightjacket. He puts Ambrose in it and of course does a lousy job. Ambrose, bless his heart, still sells it. Jericho boots him in the head before pelting him with rights. Jericho starts slapping him in the corner, so Ambrose kicks him in the gut a few times. Jericho with a thumb to the eye and a Codebreaker. The ring fills with zebras to free Ambrose and push Jericho back. They get Ambrose up, and Jericho with a second Codebreaker (a sloppy one at that). Jericho then does his stupid new “gift of Jericho” bit for the crowd.
Sami Zayn and Cesaro take on Kevin Owens and the Miz yet again.
Rusev is seen throwing a tantrum in the back. He has a rematch with Sin Cara next.
MATCH 1: SIN CARA VS. RUSEV (W/LANA)
Kalisto is on commentary. This is a rematch from RAW, where Cara pulled off the upset win. Lana Brooke gives Rusev a formal introduction. Cara ducks a clothesline and lands a couple quick kick. Rusev knocks him down with a back elbow, goes to the stomps, then drops a couple elbows. More stomps, because Rusev knows variety is the spice of life. Rusev with a front kick to the face. Bodyslam and mounted punches. Rusev stares Kalisto down at ringside, then turns around into a dropkick to the knee. Cara tries to light Rusev up with chops and forearms. He catches a back elbow and a pair of boots in the corner, avoids a corner splash, lands on the apron off a backdrop, hits an apron kick and a vertical swanton bomb for 2 as Lana throws water in Kalisto’s face. Kalisto is distracted as he goes up top again, and Rusev launches him to the mat. Rusev heads outside and superkicks Kalisto in the back. Back in the ring, Cara gets a superkick before the Accolade finishes.
Rusev screams in Kalisto’s face, then massages the US title belt.
Renee Young is standing by with Emma. We go back to RAW where Dana Brooke made her non-awaited debut. Back to the interview, Young shows her intelligence by asking who Brooke is. Brooke is there. Young turns to Brooke, and my ears are bleeding because I hate this woman so much. She makes fun of Becky Lynch’s gear, not bothering to look in the mirror as she says this. Emma offers some insight by telling us what Lynch’s nickname is.
MATCH 2: DANA BROOKE (W/EMMA) VS. BECKY LYNCH
Jeezus. Brooke and Emma are trying to be the Beautiful People. Yeah, rip off a sh*t gimmick from two of the worst female workers in the world that are still somehow not as bad as these two. Brooke should really develop biceps before constantly throwing out double-biceps poses.
Brooke starts with a horrible worked punch. Lynch forearms the piss out of her in response. Brooke with an exciting hair pull out of the corner. More awful punches. Hopping stomps! Yay! Haven’t had those in nearly long enough! Brooke does a handstand into an Idontknowwhatthef**kthatis for 2, then botches the hell out of a bow-and-arrow. GET HER OFF MY SCREEN FOREVER. Lynch counters into a roll-up for 2. Brooke with a hopping kick. Lynch with a bunch more strikes. Things are just fine until Brooke pulls her throat-first into the bottom rope. Emma thumbs Lynch in the eye behind the ref’s back. Brooke jackknifes Lynch for 3. F**KING KILL ME.
WINNER: DANA BROOKE.
She is beyond embarrassing in the ring. Who the hell thought she would be a good hire, and why? She’s not attractive, can’t cut a promo and can’t work for sh*t. I am officially boycotting recapping her matches from here on out.
The Club are together in the locker room. AJ Styles tells Anderson and Gallows to take care of the Usos. If Roman Reigns shows up, he’ll be there to take care of the champ.
The New Day come out, and we go to RAW where they were attacked by the Vaudevillains, which led to a loss to the Dudley Boyz. Promo time. They basically just tell you what I just finished telling you. This leads to some crap about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
The Vaudevillains interrupt. They talk about how they are much smarter than their opponents. At Extreme Rules, you can call them WWE World Tag Team Champions (Aiden English sings this part). Simon Gotch says the sun will set on the New Day, and the night belongs to the Vaudevillains.
MATCH 3: WWE TAG TEAM CO-CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON (W/BIG E AND XAVIER WOODS) VS. AIDEN ENGLISH (W/SIMON GOTCH)
Kofi knocks English to the corner and stomps him down before hitting a corner basement dropkick. English comes back with a right and throws Kofi into the buckles. Kofi comes of the middle with another dropkick and sends English to the floor. English ducks a baseball slide and throws Kofi into the ring post. English with a punch on the apron before rolling Kofi back in for stomps and a knee for 2. He drives his knee into Kofi’s back, then decks him in the face. Kofi slo-mos a corner whip into a pendulum kick, then comes off the top with a flying punch. A springboard cross-body gets 2. Kofi hits a leaping clothesline to set up the Boom Drop, which connects. He calls for Trouble in Paradise, but Gotch causes a brief distraction. Kofi manages to kick an incoming English away, then splashes him across the back. Gotch, E and Woods get into it at ringside, and the ref ejects everyone. Back in the ring, English escapes an O’Conner roll at 2, then sits down on a sunset flip and gets 3 with the ropes.
WINNER: AIDEN ENGLISH.
The Usos are with Roman Reigns. They’re family, Uce. Superkicks, Uce. Family, Uce. Belee dat, Uce.
MATCH 4: THE USOS (JEY AND JIMMY) VS. KARL ANDERSON AND LUKE GALLOWS
I love that one of WWE’s sponsors right now is the new TMNT movie, yet not one mention has been made that Sheamus is starring in it as Rocksteady. It’s not like to ignore free publicity. Anderson starts with Jey. Jey lands a couple uppercuts and some corner punches. Another uppercut. Jimmy tags in off a shoulder thrust in the corner and lands a flying punch. Flying forearm by Jimmy gets 2. Anderson connects with a leg lariat and tags in Gallows. Jimmy fights his way out of the corner before Gallows yanks him down by the hair. Gallows hits an avalanche and a bodyslam. Another bodyslam by Gallows, followed by an uppercut. He misses a legdrop, which allows Jimmy up. Gallows blocks the tag with a short-arm, and now Anderson is back in. Anderson pounds on Jimmy in the corner before Jimmy connects with a couple blows. Anderson cuts him off with a knee and sends him hard into the buckles. Jerry Lawler makes a tongue-in-cheek joke about not hearing from Giant Bernard in a while. That would be Albert/A-Train/Lord Tensai, who currently works in NXT as head trainer Jason Albert, for the uninitiated. Gallows misses an elbow to the back. Jey tags in and tries twice to knock Gallows down. Gallows blocks a sunset flip before eating a superkick and an uppercut. Anderson makes a blind tag before Gallows is sent to the floor. Jey sees him coming in and hits a powerslam. Anderson avoids a Samoan drop and sends Jey to the floor. Jey punches him through the ropes, then turns around into a big boot from Gallows.Commercials.
Back from the break, Anderson gets two off a jumping knee. Gallows tags in and snaps off a suplex for 2. Gallows goes into a chinlock. Jey gets to his feet, so Gallows headbutts him down. Anderson in with a chinlock of his own. Jey reaches for a tag, so Anderson whips him down and knocks Jimmy off the apron. Jimmy argues with the ref, which allows Gallows to land a cheap shot, scoring 2 for Anderson. Gallows back in, and he assaults Jey in the corner. Jey avoids a corner attack and connects with a superkick. Jimmy and Anderson both tag in. Jimmy with another superkick and an uppercut, then a Samoan drop. Anderson avoids the hip attack, then runs into another g**damn superkick. Jimmy comes off the top with the Samoan Splash, but Gallows pulls him to the floor at 2. Jimmy gets thrown over the announce desk as the ref calls for the bell.
WINNER: NO CONTEST.
Jey takes Gallows out with a slingshot plancha, so Anderson takes him out with a Rocket Kick. Jimmy dives on Anderson from the announce desk, which in turn leads to Gallows cracking him over the back with a chair. Anderson grabs the chair and smashes it across Jey’s back.
We see the Gorgeous Truth in the back, followed by Goldango elsewhere.
Vignette from Darren Young and Bob Backlund. Backlund yells at Young for checking the time on a phone instead of a watch. Backlund tells Young to not make phone calls. Young says no one wears watches anymore. This is just a bit to make Backlund look out of touch with reality. He’s still doing the same gimmick from 1994, and it’s still uninteresting 22 years later.
MATCH 5: THE GORGEOUS TRUTH (TYLER BREEZE AND R-TRUTH) VS. GOLDANGO (FANDANGO AND GOLDUST)
Yes, this is still going. Byron Saxton tries to convince the audience that Gorgeous Truth and Goldango could be two great tag teams, because his hero is apparently Todd Pettengill. Fandango and Breeze start, but are only in the ring for a few seconds before Truth and Goldust tag in. They argue while their partners yell at them to hit each other. Truth instead tags out to Breeze. Breeze shoves Truth to the floor, and Fandango shoves Breeze before clotheslining Goldust. Breeze pins Goldust. Yes. Off a single clothesline.
WINNERS: THE GORGEOUS TRUTH.
Fandango and Breeze put the boots to Goldust. Truth tries to save him, so they stomp Truth as well. Goldust tries to protect Truth, so they stomp him some more. So, now we’re going to get the Golden Truth and what, Gordango? Who cares?
The Shining Stars (Epico and Primo) make their debut on this coming RAW.
Renee Young is now with Charlotte and Ric Flair. Young points out Flair’s drunken stupor on RAW. Charlotte talks about how rich she is and how amazing her dad is. How. Dare. The. McMahons. Ric: “Therr muybe the mers ridiculoos qurston ah ever hurd in meye life. I am the dirtys player in teh game. I have taught Shrltte everthing ah know and whether not I am therein body makes no diffrnce, ahll alwuhs be thar in speert. And she ool go on to another great Flar victory. WOOOO!”
MATCH 6: CESARO AND SAMI ZAYN VS. KEVIN OWENS AND INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ (W/MARYSE)
Let’s see…six matches tonight, and all but two have been tag team matches, and even those two featured guys who regularly work in tag teams. And to cap it all off, I get to end the night with a Miz match. As Miz comes down, Owens grabs a headset and runs down all of his opponents at Extreme Rules, especially the Miz.
Cesaro and Zayn argue over who is going to start for their team. They finally agree on Cesaro, while Miz starts for his side. Cesaro hits a waistlock takedown, spins himself around, then deadlifts Miz into a gutwrench for 1. Crisscross before Cesaro catches Miz off a leapfrog with a backbreaker for 2. Miz tries for a kick out of the corner, but Cesaro blocks and hits a dragon screw. He looks for the Swing, but Miz is too close to the ropes. Owens trash-talks Miz and tags himself in. Zayn tags in as well. Owens tries to tag out, but Miz drops to the floor. Zayn nails Owens with punches and a clothesline. Mounted punches in the corner by Zayn before he eats a back elbow. Miz tags in and stomps Zayn. Miz botches a drop to the floor, then avoids a tope suicida. Owens yells at Miz some more before Cesaro wipes him out with a cannonball from the apron. Zayn then hits Miz with a tope con hilo to the floor. Commercials.
Back from teh break, Zayn hits a bodyslam. Miz avoids a second before getting low-bridged to the floor. Zayn heads out and is cut off by Maryse. The distraction allows for a an Owens cheap shot. Miz rams Zayn into the barricade, then throws him into the announce desk. Back in the ring, Miz gets 2 before driving his knee into Zayn’s back. Owens in with a snapmare. Miz follows up with a boot and Owens ends the sequence with a running senton for 2. Miz tags in and stomps Zayn down in the corner. He pulls Zayn close to his corner to apply a chinlock in front of Cesaro. Owens screams at Saxton to praise him. Zayn fights out of the chinlock before getting hit with the Reality Check for 2. Zayn comes back with a Japanese clutch for 2 before taking Miz’s stupid head off with a clothesline. Zayn ducks a clothesline and hits a blue thunder bomb. Cesaro and Owens make the tags. Cesaro with an assload of European uppercuts and a dropkick. Miz eats a big boot on the apron. Cesaro flips himself to the apron off an Irish whip and lands a big boot on Owens before nailing Miz with a running European at ringside. Owens gets one on the ropes as well, and Cesaro wipes Owens out with a top-rope cross-body for 2. He calls for the Swing again, but Miz breaks it up with an attempt at the SCF. Cesaro elbows out of it and reverses positions. Miz backs him into the corner, then rolls out of the way as Zayn tries to nail Miz with a Helluva Kick, only to hit Cesaro instead. Miz pulls Zayn to the floor as Owens comes off the top with a frog splash for 3.
WINNERS: THE MIZ AND KEVIN OWENS.
Miz throws Zayn back in, where Zayn tackles him and nails him with punches. Owens hits Zayn with a pop-up powerbomb, and that’s followed by a Skull-Crushing Finale on Owens. Miz celebrates with the IC title .
END OF SHOW.