We are in Boston, MA, and we open the show with Charlotte and Uncle Grandpa in the ring. Becky Lynch is at ringside on commentary. We get another terrible Charlotte promo. Something about the “Wooooo! Revolution”. She goes off about ending Lynch and Boston’s so-called hero, Sasha Banks. In Dallas, people will be only chanting “Wooooo!” She is just awful on the stick. What the hell is the point of her dad, a legend on the mic, always being at her side if he’s going to do absolutely zero talking and instead stumble around like a drunk? The two of them then “Wooooo!” a bunch of times while daddy dances.
MATCH 1: WWE DIVAS CHAMPION CHARLOTTE (W/RIC FLAIR) VS. SASHA BANKS (NON-TITLE)
Charlotte immediately bails to the floor, leading Banks to chase her back in. Charlotte meets her with a forearm. Banks comes back with a tackles and punches before taunting Flair on the outside. She chops Charlotte and hits a basement dropkick for 1 before Charlotte hits a kneelift. Banks reverses a whip with a back elbow before Flair trips her, leading to a Charlotte big boot. Charlotte slams Banks’ head repeatedly into the mat, then goes for a suplex. Banks lands on her feet, so Charlotte spins through and connects with a neckbreaker. a Fargo strut follows, and now it’s time for a cravat. Banks fights out and hits a spinning headscissors into a schoolgirl for 2 in a good spot. Banks with a tackle and a jackknife for 2, leading to a Charlotte power-up. Banks avoids the backslide, but gets caught with a gutwrench suplex. Banks catches a back elbow in the corner, then makes Charlotte eat a boot. She misses a clothesline and turns around into a knife-edge. Banks blocks another chop before the two trade blows. She blocks a kick off the ropes and knees Charlotte right in her stupid face. A high Thesz press gets 2 as Becky Lynch talks about Ronda Rousey. I love her so much. Back to the match, Charlotte avoids the double kneedrop in the corner before Banks hits her with a baseball slide. Charlotte throws Banks into Lynch as Charlotte rolls back in. Banks regains focus after arguing with Lynch, only to get nailed with a spinebuster. Charlotte goes for the Figure-8, but Banks turns it into a small package (with a handful of hair) for 3.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS.
As Banks celebrates, Lynch comes in and hits her with the Becks-Plex, then does the same to Charlotte. Lynch leaves, and Banks hits a distracted Charlotte with a Backstabber.
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are here tonight. The New Day are up next.
You can tell the New Day are now full-blown faces, because Jerry Lawler is no longer kissing their asses. They proceed to shill the WWE Network in order to hype Wrestlemania. The League of Nations are trash. Big E calls the LoN the Jar Jar Binks of wrestling. Kofi says they are the Michael Jordan of baseball of WWE. Chant time.
MATCH 2: WWE TAG TEAM CO-CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON (W/BIG E AND XAVIER WOODS) VS. SHEAMUS (W/KING BARRETT AND RUSEV)
No Alberto Del Rio this week. Not that I’m complaining. Several standing switches by Kofi before he gives a clean break to taunt Sheamus. He tries again, and Sheamus beats him down the second time. Sheamus screams at Kofi, leading to Kofi pelting him with punches and kicks. Kofi continues the assault in the corner, then dropkicks Sheamus in the back, sending him to the floor. Kofi heads outside and wipes Sheamus out with a flying clothesline off the steps. Sheamus is rolled in the ring, but then rolled right back out. He sweeps the leg of Kofi on the apron as we go to commercials.
We’re back, and Sheamus is dropping Kofi with a European uppercut. Sheamus lights Kofi up with the Ten Beats of the Bodhran, and now Kofi is struggling to get back to his feet. When he does, Sheamus levels him with a clothesline before going into a chinlock. Kofi fights out before getting caught in a tilt-a-whirl powerslam. Sheamus heads to the middle rope, where he misses a kneedrop. He then misses a charge in the corner, colliding with the ring post. Kofi comes off the top with a springboard chop, then follows up with a dropkick and a vertical doubles stomp. Sheamus rolls to the floor off a Boom Drop. After Kofi nails Barrett, he wipes Sheamus out with a somersault plancha. Back in, Kofi comes off the top with a pump cross-body for 2. Sheamus gets in a cheap shot in the ropes, blocks the SOS, shoves Kofi into the corner and then hits a kneeling falcon arrow for 2. Sheamus tries to tear a turnbuckle pad off, but the ref calls him on it. When he turns around, Kofi nails a roundhouse. It’s only good for 2, however, as Rusev puts Sheamus’ foot on the ropes. Woods and E chase Rusev off while Barrett distracts Kofi. That’s enough for Sheamus to nail the Brogue Kick for 3.
The LoN try to get a “New Day sucks” chant going after the match.
MATCH 2: THE USOS (JEY AND JIMMY) VS. THE ASCENSION (KONNOR AND VIKTOR)
The Ascension get a jobber non-entrance. Viktor goes on the attack on Jey in the corner, only for Jey to quickly fight back. Konnor makes a blind tag. After Viktor hits Jey from behind, Konnor lands an elbow off the rope. We get a chinlock way too early before Konnor misses an avalanche. Viktor and Jimmy tag in. Jimmy takes out both members of the Ascension before Viktor escapes a Samoan drop. Jimmy nails him with a reverse Dragon Whip and a running hip attack. An incoming Konnor eats a double superkick, and Viktor does the same for 3.
WINNERS: THE USOS.
We see the Dudley Boyz looking on courtesy of a monitor in the back. Back in the ring, the Usos go under the ring for a table. They put two of them into the ring as both members of the Ascension look dead. The tables get set up side-by-side, and the Ascension get laid out on them. The Usos head up and hit stereo Samoan Splashes.
It’s safe to say the Ascension are not long for WWE. The Cosmic Wasteland faction has been a total joke, and they’ve counted more lights than Duane Gill and the Black Phantom, circa 1993.
Back to the Dudleyz, Renee Young is now with them for an interview. She asks about Wrestlemania, but D-Von cuts her off. He says they’re not defined by tables, but are defined by their careers. Bubba Ray says the Usos are good, but they’ll never be the Dudleyz. They are back in WWE to steal the show at Mania again. They’ve beaten up Rikishi and the Usos, and they’d beat up the Wild Samoans if they were still around. Roman Reigns walks up. He says he’s going to shut Triple H’s mouth at Wrestlemania, but tonight, he’s going to shut Bubba’s mouth. He doesn’t want a match; he wants a fight.
We get a long-ass video package for Shane McMahon vs. Undertaker. A clip shows Shane saying “I got a lot more tools now.” Good thing he waited until he was nearly 50 to get them. He apparently trains with Renzo Gracie now and has become an MMA expert. Hey, Undertaker thinks he’s a 50 year-old MMA fighter, too! This match will suck something fierce!
MATCH 3: DOLPH ZIGGLER AND SAMI ZAYN VS. THE MIZ AND INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS
Owens and Miz argue right off the bat before Owens orders Miz to start the match. Zayn starts for his team. The two trade arm wringers before Miz powers Zayn down. Zayn rolls through before flipping Miz with an armdrag. The two criss-cross before Zayn hits a pair of armdrags and a takedown. Ziggler in, and he takes Miz down into a pinning combination. My screen freezes as they continue to roll around for a minute in a very awkward spot. Ziggler gets a side headlock in, then turns it into a neckbreaker before the Shot to the Heart gets 2. Miz comes back with a kitchen sink, then tags in Owens. Owens assaults Ziggler with punches and kicks. Owens taunts Zayn before going back to Ziggler, who pops up with a dropkick. Zayn in, and Owens immediately tags out. Miz argues with Owens before Zayn slingshots him into the ring. Zayn comes off with a dropkick off the ropes, leading to Miz to tag out. Owens drops to the floor and grabs the IC title before trying to leave. Owens and Miz get into a shoving match at ringside, and Zayn lays them both out with a dive off the steps. Back in, Zayn pounds on Owens with elbows to the head, then gives Miz one. Owens uses the distraction to kick Zayn a couple times. Zayn flips out of a back suplex and tags in Ziggler, who catches a couple hooking clotheslines, a corner splash and a neckbreaker. An incoming Miz nearly eats a superkick, and Owens uses the distraction to try for the pop-up powerbomb. Ziggler blocks by grabbing the ropes, only to have Miz hotshot him. Owens then lays Ziggler out with a clothesline and squashes him with a running senton for 2. Miz back in, and he stomps Ziggler down in the corner before Owens gets in a cheap shot. Miz hits a low running boot for 2. Expect to see that about 10 more times in this match, since that’s now his thing. Miz applies a rear chinlock, which Ziggler quickly fights out of. Miz blocks a superkick and catapults Ziggler to the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Ziggler is trying to fight out of an Owens chinlock, to no avail. Owens yanks Ziggler down to the mat, talks trash to Miz, then goes for a running senton, only for Ziggler to get his knees up. Zayn and Miz tag in, with Zayn getting in the hot tag spots before nailing Owens. Zayn hits a leaping cross-body from the top, then hits a blue thunder bomb for 2 before Owens breaks it up. Ziggler launches Owens, then Miz does the same to Ziggler. Zayn hits a head-and-arm suplex into the buckles and sets up for the Helluva Kick, but Owens trips him from the floor. Ziggler nails Owens, and Miz follows up with a baseball slide on Ziggler, sending him into the barricade. Miz goes for the SCF, but Zayn counters into a victory roll for 2. The two collide off simultaneous cross-body attempts as Owens pulls himself to the apron. He looks down at Miz, then grabs his title belt and bails on the match. Zack Ryder, Stardust and Sin Cara block him at the top of the ramp before Miz nails Owens and sends him back into the ring. Owens kicks Miz as he tries to climb back in, then gets hit with a Ziggler superkick. Miz hits Owens with a Skull-Crush Finale, talks some trash, then gets nailed with a superkick and a Helluva Kick for 3.
WINNERS: SAMI ZAYN AND DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Stardust nails Ziggler, then drops Zayn with the Queen’s Crossbow. Cara takes him out with an Asai moonsault. Ryder comes in and clubs Cara from behind before getting backdropped to the apron, where Cara nails him with a kick, sending him to the floor. If that’s not the definitive proof Zack Ryder is a lame-duck entrant in the Mania IC title match and is only there to fill space, I don’t know what is. Ziggler comes back in and nails a superkick on Cara before Owens drops him with a pop-up powerbomb. Ryder comes in and hits the Rough Ryder on Owens, becoming the last man standing in the process. False hope, folks.
MATCH 4: ROMAN REIGNS VS. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY
Considering there’s still almost a half-hour left on my feed, I have a feeling this is going to turn into a tag team match or some other such nonsense. No D-Von for the moment. Bubba immediately starts yelling, then bails to the floor to yell at the audience. Reigns eventually has enough and brawls with Bubba next to the announce desk before rolling him back in the ring. Bubba catches a big boot, then clubs Reigns across the back of the head. Reigns shakes it off, ducks a clothesline and nails a Superman Punch, sending Bubba back outside. Reigns follows and throws Bubba into the barricade before slamming him into the apron. Bubba shoves Reigns face-first into the post, then nails a right. Reigns blocks a slam into the announce desk, then slams Bubba into it repeatedly. The ref calls for the bell, ending this match.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: BUBBA RAY DUDLEY.
Reigns sends Bubba into the ring steps, then pounds on him with rights. He rolls Bubba back in once more, and that’s when D-Von runs down. Reigns lays him out with a Superman Punch off the ring steps, then pulls the steps apart, slamming the top half into D-Von’s shoulder. Back in the ring, Reigns cuts through Bubba with a spear.
Looks like I was wrong about a possible tag match, not that I’m complaining. The match we got, however, was basically a non-match, which isn’t much better.
Goldust is doing his makeup. R-Truth interrupts him and calls him “partner”. Goldust says they are not partners, which leads to Truth why asking Goldust ran down to the ring to help him on RAW. Then they discuss what Goldust wears when he’s sleeping. Goldust says he felt bad about Truth, then paints the word “NO” on Truth’s forehead. Of course, Truth is a moron and reads it backwards in the mirror, which then leads to him saying, “It’s on”.
We see Kalisto and Sin Cara in the back, talking about Wrestlemania. Kalisto says he will successfully defend the US title at Mania, while Cara will win the IC title. Cara likes it, then says Kalisto has the biggest challenge of his life in Ryback. They high-five and Kalisto continues to walk. Ryback stops him, then makes fun of his size. Ryback is a foot taller and outweighs Kalisto by “more than 160 lbs.” Ryback continues to talk about how awesome he is, then calls Kalisto short before saying the US title is his. He deserves the spotlight. Kalisto’s spotlight is more like a flashlight. Kalisto goes into the underdog speech. At Mania, the little guy will beat “The Big Guy”.
MATCH 5: TYLER BREEZE VS. AJ STYLES
Hey, apparently Breeze still has a job! Breeze goes on the attack right away before Styles lays waste to him with a series of strikes and a backbreaker. Breeze rolls to the floor, and Styles nails him with a slingshot forearm. He misses a springboard back in, lands on his feet and runs into a high knee for 2. Breeze stomps Styles down in the corner. Breeze sets Styles up on the top for a superplex, but Styles escapes and pulls Breeze down into the corner. Breeze backdrops Styles to the floor, but Styles lands on the apron and hits a hotshot. Styles signals for the Phenomenal Forearm, which connects for 3.
WINNER: AJ STYLES.
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman make their way down to the ring. A “Suplex City” chant breaks out. Heyman introduces himself before saying, “This is your main event of the evening.” He introduces Lesnar as “The Beast of Wrestlemania”. Lesnar guarantees the “Wrestlemania Moment” every year. He broke “The Streak”, and will now face a certified lunatic named Dean Ambrose in a no-holds-barred street fight. What is that, exactly? It means Ambrose can use anything he can get his hands on against Lesnar, and it’s all legal. There are no-holds-barred legends, such as Terry Funk and Mick Foley, and they’re giving Ambrose things to use against Lesnar. A barbed-wire baseball bat. A chainsaw. The only reason Funk and Foley are alive is because God refuses to answer Heyman’s prayers on a daily basis. Good line. He’s not the one that should be praying; everyone else should be praying for Ambrose, because Lesnar can get his hands on any of those weapons as well. Worse for Ambrose, Lesnar can get his hands on Ambrose. When that happens and Lesnar takes Ambrose to Suplex City (, B*tch) and finally ends the torture with an F-5, at that moment, the WWE Universe will finally realize the most dangerous weapon implemented in a WWE match is Lesnar himself.
Well, Heyman has finished early, and he’s sure Boston is tired of hearing him. Lesnar is a bit itchy, so Ambrose, get your tuchus out here right now, because Lesnar wants a fight here and now, tonight!
Instead of Ambrose, we get the Wyatt Family (minus Luke Harper, who is injured). They surround Lesnar in the ring before Bray Wyatt orders the rest of the Family to attack. Lesnar stands his ground before Ambrose charges down to the ring. Lesnar goes on the attack, hitting Erick Rowan with a German suplex before Braun Strowman drops him with a clothesline. Ambrose is carrying a kendo stick, and he beats on Wyatt as Strowman tries to take Lesnar to Suplex City. Lesnar drops down between Strowman’s legs and plants him with a release German. Ambrose gets in the ring and beats Lesnar down with the stick before Lesnar wipes him out with a clothesline. Lesnar cracks the stick across Ambrose’s back a couple times before breaking it over his knee. Lesnar hoists Ambrose up for the F-5 and plants him with it.
END OF SHOW.