The show starts off with one of the Jey and Seth Rollins. Rollins mocks Jey’s dad (Rikishi) and his cousin (Roman Reigns). Jey wants a match tonight, but Rollins doesn’t want it because he doesn’t want to take on both Jey and his brother, like always. Jey says it’ll be one-on-one, no exceptions, and Rollins agrees to it.
Jojo starts to announce the opening bout, but Dean Ambrose comes out instead. He says he’s always wanted to be a ring announcer, to be the next Howard Finkel, only taller with hair. He’s the WWE World Champion, which means he has a lot of stroke, so he’s going to be the guest ring announcer for the opening contest. He then does his best Road Dogg impression as he announces each competitor. Jey Uso gets a normal introduction while. For Rollins, he mocks him, calling him a scumbag and saying he was born with a stick up his butt.
MATCH 1: JEY USO VS. SETH ROLLINS
Rollins starts with a side headlock. Tackle, drop-down, hiptoss. Jey gets in an armdrag before Rollins slugs him and stomps him down in the corner. Jey avoids a corner whip and hits a big uppercut. He connects with a back suplex before running into a boot in the corner. Rollins goes for a back suplex himself, but turns it into a backbreaker for 2. Ambrose interrupts to shill merchandise, including Seth Rollins ice cream bars that taste like crap. Jey uses the distraction to roll Rollins up with a crucifix for 2. Rollins clotheslines him and heads outside to yell at Ambrose. Jey attacks him and sends him back in for a top-rope crossbody for 2. He sends Rollins back to the floor and hits a tope suicida. Ambrose tells us 5 minutes have elapsed in the match, then says we need to go to commercial.
Back from the break, Jey lands a couple chops, then sends Rollins into the buckles. He blocks a boot by Rollins before eating a reverse STO into the middle buckle. Rollins sends him to the floor with a knee to the back, then comes off the apron with a clothesline. Rollins plays to the crowd for a moment, then rolls Jey back in. He argues with the ref for a moment, then gets 2 off a corner forearm. Rollins applies a rear chinlock before connecting with a neckbreaker. Rollins heads to the top as Ambrose interrupts to tell someone in the audience to move their car from the fire lane. He comes off right into a shot by Jey, who goes into his usual routine. Rollins escapes a Samoan drop and a waistlock before hitting a gamengiri. Jey comes back with an Alley-Uce for 2. Rollins blocks a running hip attack and goes for the Pedigree. Jey escapes, leading to a series of reversals and ending with a superkick by Jey. Jey heads up for the Samoan Splash, only to dive onto Rollins knees. The Pedigree gets 3.
WINNER: SETH ROLLINS.
Rollins screams at Ambrose to do his job and announce Rollins as the winner. Ambrose calls him the human equivalent of a root canal and a jackass. Ambrose then says they need to do this right, and he needs to get a bit closer. He rolls into the ring, causing Rollins to bail up the ramp. Ambrose says he was going to raise Rollins’ hand, but instead will just raise his belt, which he’ll do again at Battleground when he beats both Rollins and Roman Roids.
MATCH 2: ZACK RYDER VS. SHEAMUS
Ryder has new entrance music. It’s a rock version of his regular theme. I don’t like it. This match is a result of Ryder getting an upset pin on Sheamus on RAW during the 16-man tag team elimination match (Ryder and the Big Show were the survivors). Sheamus goes on the attack with a knee and some clubbering. He hits a shoulder in the corner and a running kneelift. Sheamus sets up the 10 Beats of the Bodhran, but stops around 7. The two then trade a few punches before Ryder low-bridges Sheamus to the floor. Ryder charges at him, but gets hit with a tilt-a-whirl slam onto the apron. I HATE apron moves. Back in the ring, Ryder fights back a bit with some forearms before getting dropped with the Irish Curse. Sheamus sets up for a superplex, but Ryder fights him off. They slug it out up top before Sheamus gets sent flying on his ass. Ryder hits the El-Bro Drop and gets 3?
WINNER: ZACK RYDER.
Zack Ryder wins a televised singles match? And with a flying elbow no less? What the hell?
Ryder is stopped on the stage by whoever this new tool is they’ve got interviewing now. He asks Ryder what’s next for him, and he says he’s going to regain the US title. Being a champion in the WWE means you are the best in that moment. The current champion doesn’t respect for anything or anyone. He is officially challenging Rusev right here. Woo. Woo. Woo. You know it. He then tells the interview (Tom) that Sheamus wants to talk to him. Sheamus stomps up the ramp and just screams at Tom.
Rusev is in the back, fuming. Some other new interviewer tool points out what Ryder just said and asks for a response. Rusev says if Ryder is man enough to challenge him face-to-face on RAW, maybe he’ll prove not all Americans are cowards. Even so, Rusev will prove all Americans are losers.
MATCH 3: BECKY LYNCH VS. ????
The match never happens, as Natalya attacks Lynch from behind on her way down to the ring. Nattie repeatedly throws Lynch into the barricade, then pounds her into oblivion before locking in the Sharpshooter at ringside. Referees eventually come down and force her to break the hold, but not after she cranks on it a bit first.
We get a promo from Big Cass and Enzo Amore. Cass says what happened on RAW was all about sending a message. If the Club thinks they can constantly beat down John Cena, what’s stopping them from doing that to anyone else?
The Club have already heard enough and come out, with AJ Styles out front and center. Styles apologizes for interrupting them, much like Cass and Enzo did to them when they were doing their favourite thing: beating up Cena. They haven’t seen Cena tonight, so they can’t beat him up. Karl Anderson offers to beat up Cass and Enzo. Luke Gallows says they’ll go out for dessert after that, then find Cena and beat him up some more. Styles offers to shut up Cass’ mouth, and Cass wants it right now…except Styles was actually talking about the guy Enzo, the one that looks like a bird. Enzo does a terrible Robert DeNiro impression, then rambles on about an Eskimo or something. I don’t know. I tend to stop listening when Enzo talks. Cass then does his favourite thing, which is misspelling “soft”.
MATCH 3: ENZO AMORE (W/BIG CASS) VS. AJ STYLES (W/KARL ANDERSON AND LUKE GALLOWS)
Styles shoves off a lock-up attempt, then flips Enzo into a snapmare. This is his ring, and he’s going to embarrass Enzo. Enzo sneaks in a schoolboy for 1, then dances around before sending Styles to the floor. Cass and the Club have a bit of a staredown as Enzo goes for a dive on Styles, only taking himself out in the process. Styles kicks him and rolls him back in for some shots in the corner. Styles hits a pendulum backbreaker, then tosses Enzo outside in front of the announce desk. Enzo rolls back in, where Styles meets him with more shots. Enzo throws a few punches of his own and hits a dropkick. Styles suckers Enzo into the buckles from the apron, then snaps off a suplex. Styles applies a rear chinlock, which Enzo fights out of. Styles nails a forearm and sends Enzo to the buckles once more, where he misses a corner forearm. Enzo gets in a backslide for 2, then snaps off a few jabs. Styles blocks a tornado DDT with a suplex into the buckles. Styles sets up a superplex, which Enzo turns into a super gourdbuster. Anderson causes a distraction, so Cass takes both him and Gallows up with big boots. Back in the ring, Styles hooks in the Styles Clash out of an inverted tree of woe and gets 3.
WINNER: AJ STYLES.
We see Chris Jericho in the back. He sees Kevin Owens and yells at him for wearing his scarf. Owens wants to get one for his wife. Jericho claims it cost $750.00. Owens says it’s worth $4.00. Jericho sees grease on it, as Owens was using it as a napkin for his popcorn. Jericho demands Owens pay for the dry-cleaning. Owens gives him a bunch of quarters and a Jolly Rancher. Owens wishes him luck with Sami Zayn later tonight and says he’ll be at ringside.
MATCH 4: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ (W/MARYSE) VS. KALISTO (NON-TITLE)
I hope Miz gets drafted to RAW so I don’t have to do this anymore. This stems from some argument on RAW. I don’t know. Miz was talking, so I wasn’t paying attention. Kalisto does a flashy armdrag off the ropes, then catches Miz with a spinning headscissors. He charges at Miz in the corner, then comes off the top with another armdrag, sending Miz to the floor. Kalisto goes for a dive, but Maryse steps in front of Miz. Miz uses that to shove Kalisto into the steps. Commercials.
Back from the break, Miz Kalisto in a double chicken-wing. Kalisto fights out and goes for another headscissors, which Miz counters into a backbreaker. Miz goes on the attack in the corner with knees and punches. Then calls for the flailing clothesline. Kalisto blocks with a boot and dives off the buckles with a tornado DDT. Kalisto lights Miz up with some kicks and goes for a hurricanrana, which Miz blocks and counters into a slingshot sit-out powerbomb for 2. Remember when a powerbomb could end a match, no problem? Miz misses a basement kick, and Kalisto connects with one of his own. A spike ‘rana gets 2. Kalisto calls for the SDS, lands on his feet, rolls through and rolls Miz up for 2. A victory roll gets 2 before Kalisto misses the corkscrew headbutt. The Skull-Crushing Finale connects for 3.
WINNER: THE MIZ.
Another Darren Young/Bob Backlund segment. Backlund wants Young to live a problem-free life. Backlund asks what Young’s finisher is. Young says it’s the Gut Check, but he can’t use it to solve his problems. Backlund asks what his submission hold is. He doesn’t have one. Backlund then indicates he wants to teach Young the crossface chickenwing. He believes in Young and wants him to be great again.
Kevin Owens comes out for the main event. He will be on commentary.
Before that, we go to the Golden Truth’s locker room. This is a shill for Sonic Drive-In restaurants.
MATCH 5: SAMI ZAYN VS. CHRIS JERICHO
Standing switch ends in a Zayn arm wringer. Jericho counters into one of his own, which Zayn tries to roll out of. Jericho grinds him down to the mat before kicking him in the gut. Jericho lights Zayn up with some chops before Zayn comes back with a trio of armdrags. Jericho sends Zayn to the apron and connects with a missile dropkick from the inside. Down ont he floor, Jericho connects with another chop before Zayn avoids a whip into the barricade by coming off with a moonsault. Back in, Jericho gets in a cheap shot from the corner, then clubs him in the back. Jericho mocks Zayn’s “Ole!” chant as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Jericho connects with a shot across Jericho’s back against the middle rope. Jericho tees off on Zayn in the corner, then stomps him down. Zayn comes back with some shots of his own, only to run into a back elbow. Jericho connects with the Lionsault for 2. Jericho goes into a rear chinlock, which Zayn fights out of. Jericho boots him in the face, then slaps him. Zayn comes back with a clothesline, then lands a few rights to the head and face. Jericho bails off an Irish whip, so Zayn follows him out and levels him with a clothesline. Owens is hilarious on commentary, BTW. The match is good, but his commentary is making it even better. A crossbody from the top by Zayn gets 2. Jericho gets a gamengiri from the middle rope for 2. Byron Saxton is absolutely dreadful on commentary, and Owens has been reminding him of that fact the entire match. Zayn recovers and catches Jericho with a tornado DDT from the top, sending him to the floor. Zayn with a tope con hilo to the floor by the announce desk. Owens gets up and throws a bunch of water on him while yelling in his face. Zayn launches Jericho into Owens, then rolls him back in. Jericho catches Zayn with a couple kicks and a knock-down. Zayn sends Jericho to the apron. Jericho comes off the top and gets caught by Zayn, who hits him with an exploder suplex into the buckles. Owens gets on the apron, and Zayn blasts him with a Helluva Kick. Jericho rolls Zayn up for 2, then goes for the Walls. Zayn rolls through into a victory roll and gets 3.
WINNER: SAMI ZAYN.
As Zayn celebrates, Jericho plants him with a Codebreaker. Owens recovers and hits the ring, where he pounds Zayn into the ground before hitting the pop-up powerbomb.
END OF SHOW.