The show opens with Kevin Owens complaining about Sami Zayn only giving his son $20 Canadian. He says he’ll keep the money and throw away the card, and Zayn better not interfere in his match tonight.
That’s followed by showing Charlotte and Dana Brooke arriving at the building in a limo. I don’t know why WWE started doing these opening promo videos, but I hate them. Charlotte says Sasha Banks pulled off the upset of her life on RAW, then rips off Becky Lynch’s “dollar-store jewelry” line. Brooke tries to sound tough. She fails.
Maryse is putting makeup on the Miz. Miz says Darren Young and Bob Backlund are on “MizTV” tonight.
Dean Ambrose talks about the Draft. His days on Smackdown could be numbered, so he’s going out guns blazing. He’s going to destroy Owens later tonight.
This is the final taped episode of Smackdown before it goes live every week, starting this coming Tuesday night. That same night, the 2016 Draft will take place.
MATCH 1: SASHA BANKS VS. DANA BROOKE (W/CHARLOTTE)
Charlotte has a weird body. She has a short, muscular torso and long, shapeless legs. Basically, she looks like Booker T if he were a white woman. And Brooke…she’s just absolutely disgusting and has no muscle, no matter how much she flexes. Oh, the match? Who cares? It’s Dana Brooke. The Banks Statement ends it.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS.
Charlotte boots Banks to the floor, then launches her over the announce desk. Mauro Ranallo accidentally says “Jesus” over his headset while diving out of the way. Charlotte holds the belt over her head on the announce desk. Nikki Bella, Version 2.
On RAW, Shane McMahon was announced as the new commissioner of Smackdown, while Stephanie takes over RAW. Big surprise, of course. What makes no sense is they’re apparently still going to decide who the GM of each show is. Why? Why do the shows need GMs when they already have commissioners?
Speaking of Shane, we see him and Ambrose talking in the back.
MATCH 2: WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION RUSEV VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER (NON-TITLE)
Lana does her introduction bit. She’s become like Sunny near the end of her run where they literally have nothing for her to do, so they just make up something. Rusev will defend the US title against Zack Ryder at Battleground. Rusev and Ziggler trade hold attempts right out of the gate before Rusev throws Ziggler to the corner for a stomping. Ziggler blocks a charge in the corner, hits a dropkick and a corner splash. Rusev escapes the neckbreaker and catches a cross-body attempt, turning it into a standing sidewinder. Commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev dives off the buckles for a splash and misses, because he never goes to the top rope and big guys always miss those spots. He recovers and clubs Ziggler down after a flurry. Ziggler tries for a rocker dropper, gets caught, escapes, goes for it again and gets hit with a powerbomb for 2. Rusev signals for the superkick, which misses. Ziggler goes for the scissored sleeper. Rusev tries for the ropes and can’t reach, so he just tosses Ziggler off. Ziggler comes back with a leaping DDT and a rocker dropper for 2. Ziggler goes for another move, but Rusev lifts him up and drops him on a knee before nailing a kick. My feed cuts a bit, and when it comes back, Ryder is at ringside as Ziggler tries another sleeper. Ziggler gets tossed outside and thrown into Ryder. Rusev rolls them both in, but Ryder immediately rolls to the floor. Rusev reaches for Ryder through the ropes, and Ziggler takes the momentary distraction to schoolboy Rusev for 3.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Rusev starts tearing turnbuckle pads off, then throws a chair and tears the announce desk apart.
We get a video of the New Day visiting the Wyatt Family compound. They brawl in a field. It’s a pseudo-ripoff of the “Final Deletion” shite in TNA. If you’re going to rip something off, you might as well rip off one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on a wrestling program in 29 years of watching this sport, right? Right? No? Oh.
Holy hell, this thing is still going. I don’t know what’s happening, nor do I care. Something about sheep masks and lanterns. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. No one gives a damn about the Wyatts anymore.
MATCH 3: KARL ANDERSON AND AJ STYLES (W/LUKE GALLOWS) VS. ENZO AMORE AND BIG CASS
I’m not sure why it’s Anderson and Styles instead of Anderson and Gallows, who are the regular tag team in this group. Meanwhile, the third man on the face team for this little feud, John Cena, is nowhere to be found, because this is Smackdown and he hates working Tuesdays.
Enzo cuts a promo. I don’t know what it’s about, except he likes saying “cup a haters” a lot. Cass starts talking. I can understand the comparisons to Andrew “Test” Martin, because he couldn’t talk either.
6-man tags used to be fun. Now I that WWE never stops doing them, I hate them. Hell, there are two of them at Battleground already. Anyway, Enzo and Styles start. Enzo gets 1 off a facebuster. Styles comes back with a jawbreaker, but gets caught with a dropkick. Cass and Anderson tag in. Cass hits a bunch of stuff before landing the Empire Elbow on Anderson. Styles gets back-body dropped before Anderson gets clotheslined to the outside. Cass then launches Enzo onto all three members of the Club. Commercials.
Back from the break, Cass and Enzo are doubing some double-teaming on Anderson in the corner. Anderson comes back with a punch on Enzo before Styles clotheslines him from the apron. Anderson stomps Enzo down before tagging in Styles. Styles continues the corner assault, then connects with a pendulum backbreaker for 2. Anderson in, and he gets 2 off a shot in the corner. Anderson pelts Enzo with rights before Styles comes back in. Enzo tries to fight back, so Styles goes to the left leg, possibly softening up for the Calf Crusher. More quick tags from the Club reps as Anderson comes in to continue working the leg. Styles in once more as Enzo throws some weak punches. Styles lights him up with his strike combo before nailing a jumping corner clothesline. Enzo gets sent to the outside, where he manages to fight off all three. He climbs back in for the tag, but Anderson is right behind him, and he sends Enzo back to the floor with a big knee shot. Enzo throws some more weak shots before blocking a corner charge. He runs into a bodyslam, then avoids a running senton. Time for the crawl. Styles comes in first and prevents the tag. Enzo surprises him with a tornado DDT off an Irish whip. Enzo dives for the tag, but Anderson causes a distraction, getting the ref’s attention. Gallows yanks Cass down, then gets nailed with a big boot. Anderson comes flying around the ring and knocks Cass out with a Rocket Kick, then hotshots Enzo back in the ring. Styles gets to his feet and, sure enough, locks Enzo in the Calf Crusher, getting the submission win.
WINNERS: KARL ANDERSON AND AJ STYLES.
Cass might as well have stayed in the back. He did absolutely nothing here.
We get some coverage of Brock Lesnar’s win over Mark Hunt last weekend at UFC 200, as well as a bit of the post-fight press conference. It’s so strange to see WWE and UFC cross-promoting again. Lesnar moves onto Summerslam against Randy Orton for absolutely no reason. All we can hope is that Orton gets injured immediately yet again and WWE finally gives up on him for good.
MATCH 4: TYLER BREEZE (W/FANDANGO) VS. KALISTO (W/SIN CARA)
Fandango and Breeze are now wearing matching gear and have had their entrance themes mashed up. Worked for Cody Rhodes and Goldust. Here, it’s barely noticeable. Breeze immediately throws Kalisto to the corner, then misses a charge. Kalisto hits a springboard armdrag. There’s a mess in the corner before a Supermodel Kick gets 2. And another 2. And another 2. And a 1-count. Breeze goes into a chinlock, because this is just too much action and he needs a rest. Kalisto tries to fight out, then turns a suplex into an inside cradle for 2. A dropkick by Breeze gets 2. Breeze bounces off the ropes…for a punch. Then another. Man, he’s electrifying! Kalisto avoids a third with a backflip then nails Breeze witha kick. Kalisto gets in a flurry before ending up on the apron, where he hits another kick. Breeze a voids a dive in the corner and gets a schoolboy in for 2. Kalisto hits the Salida Del Sol for 3.
What a mess. Tyler Breeze is a joke. Both guys looked like they forgot what spots they were supposed to hit and when several times.
We see Shane McMahon talking to my girlfriend. Becky Lynch, in case you forgot.
Skillet is doing the theme song for Battleground. Remember them? Of course you don’t. They had one terrible song like 10 years ago.
Maryse is blathering on, introducing her husband. Now it’s time for Miz to talk. His guests are Darren Young and Bob Backlund. Young’s music, which is cheesy as holy hell, is filled with audio clips of Backlund screaming. Who on earth thought that was a good idea? They get almost no reaction from the audience. There’s a bit of clipping here, and it comes back to everyone in the ring. Miz bitches that Young didn’t really win the IC title #1 contender’s battle royal on RAW, so much as everyone else lost. Backlund basically tells Miz he sucks, which is true. Maryse throws out the worst “you’re old” joke I’ve ever heard. “1982 called, and they said you’re old.” That’s it. That’s exactly what she said, verbatim. Miz makes a Howdy Doody reference. Never heard that one before, assh*le. Then he repeats himself. Young doesn’t like the disrespect. Miz tries to be intimidating. Young doesn’t care and says he’s taking the title at Battleground. Miz amps up the intimidation from 0 to 0.5. Again, Young doesn’t care. Miz decides he’s had enough and leaves.
Shane McMahon goes from scouting Becky Lynch to…scouting R-Truth. His credibility is gone.
A referee is checking on Sasha Banks to see if she’s okay. Charlotte and Dana Brooke interrupt. Charlotte tells her she has her match at Battleground, except it’s not a title bout; it’s a tag team match. Swerve!
MATCH 5: WWE WORLD CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. KEVIN OWENS (NON-TITLE)
Again, why is Ambrose coming out first? Even in non-title matches, the champion should always come out last. Seth Rollins comes down before the match starts, joining in on commentary. And hey! There just happens to be a chair set up for him! What are the odds?
Owens attacks from behind. Ambrose hits a cross-body into some punches, then takes the fight outside. The two brawl at ringside, and that’s when Rollins attacks Ambrose, leading to the DQ. Considering how much time is left, you know exactly where this is going. Sure enough, Sami Zayn comes out moments later to even the sides. Tag team match, playa!
MATCH 5A: DEAN AMBROSE AND SAMI ZAYN VS. KEVIN OWENS AND SETH ROLLINS
Ambrose knocks Rollins off the apron, then pounds on Owens in the corner. He goes after Rollins, throwing him into the barricade. Owens then does the same to Ambrose. Back in the ring, Owens continues the attack with stomps and elbows before tagging in Rollins. Rollins beats Ambrose down in the adjacent corner, then connects with a bodyslam. Rollins hits a knee off the ropes and goes into a rear chinlock. Ambrose breaks free and gets in a couple shots before Rollins hits a back suplex into a backbreaker. Owens tags in and jaws with Zayn before missing a senton. Rollins tags in and misses a corner splash. Zayn in, who nails Owens, then hits a clothesline on Rollins. Headscissors into a DDT by Zayn, sending Rollins to the floor. Owens comes in and gets dumped as well. Stereo pescados by Ambrose and Zayn. Owens tries to prevent Zayn getting back in the ring, so Zayn kicks him away. He turns around into a Sling Blade for 2. Owens tags in and connects with a neckbreaker to the knee for 2. Owens half-asses a kick the back as we go to commercials.
We’re back, and Zayn is fighting out of a chinlock. He runs into a back elbow, then gets flattened with a senton for 2. Rollins tags in, and the heels work over Zayn in the corner. Zayn comes back with a forearm, but Rollins shakes it off and hits a forearm of his own in the corner. He connects with a second one, only to run into a Michinoku driver #2. Owens and Ambrose tag in, with Ambrose getting all of the hot tag spots in. Owens escapes mounted punches with an electric chair. Ambrose escapes that and connects with a Saito suplex. The flying elbow/clothesline (elbline?) connects for 2. Ambrose hits a forearm and a bulldog, not seeing that Rollins made a tag. Ambrose sees him coming and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Owens breaks it up, which leads to Zayn coming in. Zayn avoids a pop-up powerbomb by connecting with a dropkick. Rollins lands a gamengiri on Zayn. He then does the same to Ambrose, only to get caught with the Lunatic Lariat. Ambrose goes for the Dirty Deeds, but Rollins escapes and goes for the Pedigree. Ambrose backdrops out and tags in Zayn, who connects with a flying cross-body for 2. Zayn goes for the BRAINBUSTAAAAAH!, but Rollins escapes. Standing switch. Rollins escapes the blue thunderbomb with some elbows, then runs into a corner exploder, setting up the Helluva Kick. Owens tries to run interference, but gets scared off by Zayn when he tries the Kick. Ambrose hits a tope suicida on Owens, but Owens catches him and throws him into the ring steps. Back in the ring, Rollins gets 2 off a schoolboy, then goes for the Pedigree. Zayn escapes and plants Rollins with a tornado DDT. He goes for the Helluva Kick once more, but Owens pulls Rollins out of the way. Rollins hits the Pedigree and this one’s over.
WINNERS: KEVIN OWENS AND SETH ROLLINS.
After the match, Owens looks for a powerbomb on the floor, but Ambrose quickly puts a stop to that. He sees Rollins alone in the ring. Rollins challenges him to a fight right now, and Ambrose obliges. Rollins escapes Dirty Deeds once more before Ambrose celebrates with his title.
END OF SHOW.