This week’s show opens up with the Wyatt Family, including the newest member, Braun Strowman. So much for those rumors of Adam Rose. We cut over to his debut on RAW, where he beat up both Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, while apparently using that lame chokehold Samuel Shaw uses as his finisher. Back to the arena, the lights are still out, and the Wyatts are in the ring. Luke Harper says your eyes have been sewn shut, and your ears clogged with the lies they’ve told you. Everyone is already dead, but they don’t know it. Bray Wyatt’s truth will give everyone new life. Wyatt says unlike Reigns, he doesn’t throw out words like “brother” and “family” as a smokescreen to hide his selfish ways. No, family means everything to him, and he means everything to his family. Sister Abigail gave him so much, like guidance and inspiration. And just when he thought he had nothing left, when he needed her the most, she provided him a savior. That is what being a family is all about. Abigail has told Wyatt all about Strowman, her “little black sheep”. This is his purpose, because she knew he was perfectly imperfect, and she gave Wyatt Strowman because she knew where he could lead Strowman. Now, it is time, because he is the new face of fear. Harper is the new face of desolation. And now, for the world to see, Strowman is the new face of destruction. Strowman removes his black sheep mask and laughs.
Reigns and Ambrose appear in the crowd and almost immediately head down to ringside. They stare down the Wyatts, and Reigns says it is what it is. The big boy whipped their asses on RAW, but it isn’t the first time they’ve been whipped, and it won’t be the last. If they’re going down, they’re going down swinging. Ambrose says he’ll take the ugly one. The two enter the ring, and the five stare each other down. Wyatt holds Strowman back and screams he’s already inside Reigns’ head. The Wyatts then leave the ring.
Later tonight, Ambrose will face Sheamus, and we will also see the Smackdown return of the Dudley Boyz.
At this rate, the Ascension will be gone after Wrestlemania, if not sooner. WWE completely blew it with these two. Konnor and Bubba start with a lock-up and jockey for position. Bubba is looking chunky again. Bubba backs Konnor into the corner, gives a clean break, then screams. They lock up again, and Konnor clubs Bubba down. They collide in the middle of the ring, and now Konnor is doing the screaming. He eats a kick off a back-body drop attempt, and now D-Von tags in to hit Konnor with a double shoulderblock for 1. Konnor fights back and tags in Viktor. D-Von comes off the ropes with a flying shoulder for 1, then tags Bubba back in. The two hit a version of the old Sidewinder (The Smoking Gunns’ finisher, not the swinging sideslam) for 2. Bubba hits the Flip, Flop and Fly, then follows up with a bodyslam. He calls for the Wassup as Konnor argues with the ref. Bubba then orders D-Von to get the table. He obliges, only to have Konnor clothesline him at ringside. Bubba turns around into an STO, and now Konnor tags in. He hits an assisted avalanche, then whips Bubba into a Viktor boot for 2. Konnor clubs Bubba before Bubba comes back with a surprise clothesline. D-Von tags in and hits another shoulder off the ropes before giving an incoming Viktor a flapjack. He drops Konnor with a neckbreaker, follows up with an avalanche, then connects with another shoulder for 2 as Viktor breaks it up. The Ascension miss a double clothesline and get hit with one by D-Von. Bubba tags in, tosses Viktor to the floor, then the two connect with the 3-D for 3.
WINNERS: THE DUDLEY BOYZ.
D-Von slides a table into the ring, and they set it up near the corner. That’s when the New Day run down to ringside, and they’re holding up picket signs that say a bunch of stupid things about saving the table. The Dudley Boyz ignore them, then put Viktor through a table with a superbomb.
MATCH 2: NEVILLE VS. KEVIN OWENS
They lock up, and Neville applies a side headlock. Owens pulls the hair and backs Neville into the corner, where he misses a chop. He tries to block a kick before Neville locks him in a waistlock, then sends him to the floor with a hurricanrana. Neville goes for a baseball slide, misses and gets hit with a clothesline. Owens breaks the count before rolling Neville back in, where he hits him with an inverted TKO for 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Neville tries to fight out of a rear chinlock, but instead gets hit with a short-arm before a running senton gets 2. Owens goes back to the chinlock. Neville fights out, hits a boot in the corner, then lands several strikes. He ends the series with a running boot to the side of the head. He follows up with an avalanche and a big kick. A springboard missile dropkick gets 2. Neville goes for a German suplex, but Owens fights out and goes for a back suplex. Neville escapes, sends Owens into the ropes and rebounds with a quick German. Owens rolls to the floor, so Neville tries the baseball slide again. He misses once more, but then ducks a clothesline and lands a superkick. Owens is rolled back in, and Neville heads up for the Red Arrow. Owens gets to his feet, so Neville drops to the apron for a kick. He tries to slingshot himself back in, but Owens stops him with a superkick of his own. He pulls Neville into the ring and puts him down for 3 with a pop-up powerbomb.
WINNER: KEVIN OWENS.
We see Becky Lynch and Charlotte celebrating in the back, but they’re stopped by the Bella Tw*ts. This leads to a Bellas promo that involves high school graduation (seriously). They point out Paige isn’t here, and they’re trying to turn Lynch and Charlotte on Paige. It isn’t working. Charlotte points out the Nikki Bella heel turn last year that we’d all like to forget. Lynch and Charlotte walk away, and now the Bellas are arguing. Riveting television, folks.
MATCH 3: CHARLOTTE AND BECKY LYNCH VS. THE BELLA TWINS (BRIE AND WWE DIVAS CHAMPION NIKKI)
Team BAD are on commentary, while Jimmy Uso has stepped aside. This is not an improvement. Charlotte and Nikki start with a lock-up, which Nikki turns into a wristlock. Charlotte counters with her own, then tags out to Lynch. PCB hit a double dropkick for 1. Sweet merciful crap, we’re less than two minutes in, and I have to put my computer on mute. Nikki elbows out of a hammerlock, then hits a sunset flip for 2. She tags to Brie off a front chancery, and the Bellas hit a double back elbow and a double hair whip for 2. Lynch recovers and puts Brie down with a dropkick. She drops a trio of legs before tagging in Charlotte, who misses the Flair Knee. Brie dropkicks her in the knee for 2, then applies a modified Haas of Pain. Charlotte crawls for the ropes, but Brie stops her with “punches”. Brie escapes a bodyslam after Charlotte’s knee buckles, but then she runs into a boot in the corner. Charlotte backdrops her to the apron, then knocks her to the floor with a forearm. She crawls for the tag, low-bridging an incoming Nikki in the process. Lynch drops to the floor to take care of Nikki, then comes back up for the tag, only to have Brie forearm her to the floor. Brie turns around into a quick schoolgirl into a bridge by Charlotte, and this one’s over.
WINNERS: CHARLOTTE AND BECKY LYNCH.
Seth Rollins comes out, and in case you’re like me and didn’t watch Summerslam, Rollins is now both the WWE US and World Champion. He’s also facing Sting in a “dream” match for the World title at Night of Champions. Rollins says RAW was supposed to be the greatest night of his life. A statue of his likeness was created in recognition of his greatness, and it was set to be unveiled in front of the WWE Universe. It was supposed to be a moment that would take him from legendary status and move him into immortality. He understands no one understands what greatness is about. He is the first man ever to cash in MITB in the main event at Wrestlemania and walk out the World Champion. He is the first man in the history of WWE to hold both the World and US belts at the same time. That is greatness, and deserves more than a statue. It deserves a parade in every town. Hollywood should make a movie about his story. Everyone would lobby to play the part of Rollins in his biopic. 8/23, the day he beat John Cena at Summerslam to hold both titles, should be declared a national holiday. They were set to unveil his statue to take him to immortality. He was about to join Bruno Sammartino, Andre and the Ultimate Warrior. What should have been the greatest night of his life, was instead replaced by [Sting hiding on the statue podium]. We go to the footage from RAW, where Sting beat Rollins up before holding the title belt over his head. Back to the arena, Rollins says he understands why Sting is jealous. Everyone is jealous of him. He has accomplished more in a few years than Sting did his entire career. He is atop the mountain of WWE while Sting toiled for years in the minor leagues. He gets why Sting is jealous, but what he doesn’t get is what gives Sting the right to ruin his moment, to stand in his ring, to assault him without provocation, to take his title and hold it over his head like Rollins owes him a damn thing. Rollins isn’t afraid of a freak in face paint. The old man should be afraid of Rollins. Triple H said his one regret was not finishing Sting off for good at Wrestlemania, and Rollins begged Trips for the match at NoC. Rollins always get what he wants. At NoC, Sting gets his opportunity to enter immortality when “The Architect” defends his title against “The Artifact”. Rollins guarantees that, when he beats Sting, he will finish the job Trips started when he crushes Sting’s old bones to dust.
JoJo is standing by with Sheamus. She mentions the match later, and Sheamus says Dean Ambrose has a lot on his mind. That’s too bad, because he needs to keep his eyes directly on Sheamus tonight. If he turns away for a second, Sheamus will Brogue Kick his head off his shoulders. Why? He holds the MITB contract, and what that means is that, whenever he chooses, he will be the next WWE World Champion. You could say it is what it is.
MATCH 4: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK AND DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/LANA) VS. THE BIG SHOW AND RUSEV (W/SUMMER RAE)
Ryback and Show start with a lock-up. Show backs Ryback to the corner for a series of body blows. Ryback crawls across the ring before shoving Show into the corner for some shoulder thrusts and kicks. Ryback ducks a clothesline and explodes with a flying shoulderblock. Or maybe Show hit the move. It looked really bad, so it’s possible. Anyway, Show is up first, and he goes for the chokeslam. Ryback escapes and definitely connects with the shoulder this time. He knocks Rusev off the apron, but then turns around into a spear. Rusev tags himself in and orders Show to the outside as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Rusev has a rear chinlock applied. Ryback escapes and hits a few punches before Rusev hits a dropkick for 2. He brushes Show off after Show asks for a tag, then stomps Ryback in the back. He lands another kick and drops an elbow. Show is still looking for a tag. Rusev feigns tagging out, but then goes back to stomping Ryback instead. Ryback fights back with right hands, but Rusev catches him with a back elbow. He knocks Ziggler off the apron, then trash-talks Lana, who no longer sports the power suits. Rusev turns around and gets caught with a spinebuster. Rusev makes the tag, as does Ryback. Ziggler hits a pair of dropkicks and a corner splash before Show catches him. Ziggler counters with a DDT, then puts Show down with a superkick for 2. He goes for the kick again, but Show goozles him. Ziggler escapes and kicks Show in the knee before going for the rocker dropper. Show picks him up and hits a reverse powerbomb before dropping Ziggler with a KO Punch. Rusev tags himself in and knocks Ryback off the apron. He then stomps Ziggler in the back and calls for the Accolade. He locks it in, but then breaks the hold when Show hits him with a KO Punch. Ziggler wakes up and has enough wherewithal to cover Rusev with one arm and get the 3.
WINNERS: RYBACK AND DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Expect Show heel/face turn #812 any day now.
We see Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns in the back. Ambrose says he’ll take care of Sheamus and teach him all about respect tonight. Reigns says he’ll take care of the Wyatts, and Ambrose needs to focus. He needs to put his boot into Sheamus’ pasty, white face. He needs to keep thinking that while Reigns goes Wyatt-hunting.
Sheamus goes on the attack with punches before stomping Ambrose down in the corner. He hits a short-arm, then throws Ambrose to the floor. Outside, Sheamus continues the attack befor eplaying with his hair. Ambrose slams him face-first into the announce desk repeated, then nails him with a forearm. He throws Sheamus into the barricade, rolls him into the ring, then clotheslines him back to the floor. Ambrose nails another forearm off the announce desk, then follows up with chops. Sheamus clubs him in the gut, then throws him into the barricade by the announce desk. Sheamus hits a bodyslam on the edge of the announce desk as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, the match is back in the ring. Sheamus drops Ambrose gut-first across the top rope, then drops him to the apron with a running kneelift. Back in the ring, Sheamus hits a standing vertical suplex, then locks in the stretch muffler. Ambrose pulls himself up onto Sheamus’ shoulders, but then gets powerbombed right back down. Sheamus goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Ambrose rolls to the apron, and Sheamus looks for the 10 Beats of Bodhran. He gets about 6 before just punching Ambrose in the head. Ambrose comes back with some punches of his own, then goes for his own version of the 10 Beats. Sheamus stops him with a hotshot, sending Ambrose to the floor. Ambrose tries to climb back in, but Sheamus kicks him back to the floor. Sheamus heads out and tries to roll him back in, only to have Ambrose spin through and nails Sheamus with a clothesline. Ambrose is back in first, followed by Sheamus. Ambrose lights Sheamus up with strikes, nails a couple forearms off the ropes, another one in the corner and a running bulldog. A la magistral cradle gets 2. Sheamus tosses Ambrose into the buckles, but then misses a shoulder, crashing into the post and onto the floor. Ambrose knocks him into the barricade with a suicide dive. Sheamus rolls back in, and Ambrose hits a flying elbow for 2. Sheamus rolls to the apron, where he nails another punch and a kneelift. Back in, he misses a Brogue Kick, and Ambrose rolls him up for 2. Sheamus fights off Dirty Deeds before eating a rebound clothesline. Ambrose goes after Sheamus again, only to have the lights go out. When they come back on, the Wyatt Family have surrounded the ring. Sheamus uses the distraction to nail a Brogue Kick and get 3.
The Wyatts enter the ring, but before they do any damage, Roman Reigns’ music hits. Braun Strowman needs to find gear that actually fits. Anyway, Luke Harper heads out to ringside to wait for Reigns, only for Reigns to run down the ramp and blast him with a Superman Punch from the steps. He fights off Bray Wyatt before he’s left standing in the ring with Strowman. Strowman no-sells some offense before grabbing Reigns by the jaw. He then slams Reigns face-first before he locks in that same stupid chokehold from RAW. Strowman looks like a slightly more fit Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds). Strowman picks Reigns up for a powerbomb, but then turns it into a face-first slam (think the Big Ending). The Wyatts stand over Reigns as the screen fades.
END OF SHOW.