The show opens with footage from RAW of Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows kicking the hell out of Roman Reigns.
We are in London, England at the O2 Arena, and we’re starting off with “MizTV”. Maryse blabs on. Then Miz blabs on. His guest tonight is AJ Styles. Miz yammers on some more before Styles reminds Miz he knocked out two of Miz’s teeth. More blabbing, then Miz asks if Styles asked Anderson and Gallows if they’re doing his dirty work. Styles denies it and leaves it at that. Miz still won’t shut up. Then Maryse reminds us she still exists for no reason. Styles is upset about what they did, because he doesn’t need anyone’s help to beat Reigns. Miz eggs him on some more in the most obnoxious way possible. It’s amazing he doesn’t get his ass kicked backstage on a weekly basis. This segment absolutely sucks balls. Miz makes me want to break his nose by quoting Han Solo. Styles then lays him out.
Tonight, Dean Ambrose and Sami Zayn face Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens in the main event.
Styles will face the Miz (as expected) later tonight as well, in a non-title match.
MATCH 1: WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION KALISTO VS. RYBACK (NON-TITLE)
Rumor has it Roidback asked for his release. If it’s true and his wish is granted, he won’t be missed.
Ryback attacks Kalisto as he tries to get his shirt off. He hits a bodyslam, then biels him across the ring before knocking him off his feet with a shoulderblock. He hits another shoulder off an arm wringer, then tosses him around the ring. Kalisto comes back with some kicks, but then runs into a modified Warrior Press. Ryback skeeballs Kalisto shoulder-first into the ring post as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Ryback appears to be setting up a superplex. Kalisto tries to fight him off before Ryback connects with a delayed vertical superplex for 2. Haven’t really seen that since CW Anderson vs. Kid Kash in ECW. Ryback ties Kalisto in the tree of woe and stomps him down. Ryback charges in, but Kalisto pulls himself up, sending Ryback to the floor after colliding with the ring post. Back in, Kalisto hits a guillotine legdrop to the back on the neck. More kicks from the champ before he hits a seated dropkick and a springboard corkscrew. More kicks and a low enziguri, followed by a spike ‘rana for 2. He goes for the SDS, but Ryback shoves him off and knocks him down with the Meat Hook. Ryback calls for Shell Shocked, but Kalisto counters with a DDT for 2. Kalisto heads to the middle and comes off with a cross-body, but Ryback catches him and goes for a spin-out powerslam. Kalisto escapes and lands a kick before going for the SDS again, which Ryback counters into Shell Shocked for 3.
The Bella Tw*ts are getting their own reality show, because why the f**k wouldn’t they?
Dolph Ziggler comes out for his match with Baron Corbin, but Corbin attacks Ziggler from behind during his entrance. Prison Tattooed Bo Dallas throws Ziggler into the steps, then hits him with the End of Days on the floor. God, that’s a stupid move.
Rip Thomas stops Corbin on the stage and asks why he attacked Ziggler. “Because I can” is all Corbin can say, because he can’t have cue cards in front of the audience. Dolph Ziggler, while selling the move, audibly tells the referees at ringside, “Shouldn’t we stabilize my neck or something?”, sounding perfectly fine. You mention Botchamania once on RAW and you become a permanent fixture.
After some commercials, we the refs helping Ziggler up and to the back. There’s no audio from the announcers, but some from Ziggler and the refs, which leads me to believe we weren’t supposed to see this. We then hear Jerry Lawler talking to someone on his headset, which confirms it.
MATCH 2: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ (W/MARYSE) VS. AJ STYLES (NON-TITLE)
Miz backs Styles into the corner, where he misses a clothesline. Styles lights him up until he comes back with a headlock. Yep. Miz hits a shoulder off the ropes, crisscross, Miz with a bodyslam. He somehow lost his footing on that. Styles gets a headscissors in from the mat, then hits a bodyslam and a jumping knee for 2. Styles applies an inverted STF, then breaks the hold before Miz escapes to the floor. Styles rolls him back in, where Miz connects with a knee and some stomps. Styles comes back with a dropkick, then lights Miz up with some chops. Miz catches Styles with a kitchen sink, then completely whiffs some left hands. He rakes at Styles’ face before applying a rear chinlock. I can hear Miz talking to Styles. Miz hits another knee and goes for a back suplex, but Styles lands on his feet and connects with a spin kick. Miz bails, and Styles follows him once more. Miz puts Maryse between them, then suckers Styles into a left hand. Styles gets dropped chest-first across the barricade, then launched back-first into it. Commercials.
Back from the break, Miz is stomping Styles down in the corner. Miz then flails across the ring for the hanging clothesline before coming off the top with a double axe handle for 2. Miz goes back to the chinlock, but Styles counters with a jawbreaker. Miz falls into the Reality Check for 2, then does a low running boot. Mauro Ranallo says, “One cannot question the skills or in-ring IQ of the Miz”, and I die a little inside. Styles comes back with some more chops, then counters a kitchen sink into a schoolboy for 2. Miz drops him with a big boot for 2. Miz chokes Styles over the ropes in the corner, then looks for a superplex. Styles fights him off and sends him to the mat with a headbutt. Miz recovers and crotches Styles. Miz goes all the way up top this time, loses his footing, then gets dropped into the buckle when Styles escapes through his legs. The two then collide mid-ring on simultaneous cross-body attempts. Styles recovers first, then hits a clothesline and a back elbow. Basement forearm connects, as does a corner clothesline. Styles hits a pumphandle gutbuster for 2, then looks for the Styles Clash. Miz rams Styles back-first into the corner, blocks a kick and then kicks Styles’ leg out of his leg. Miz looks for the figure-4, which Styles counters with a small package for 2. Mis hits a snap DDT for 2. Miz flaps his arms like a jackass to set up the SCF, which of course Styles fights out of. Styles drops Miz with the Ushi-goroshi. Lawler’s bit where he’s confused by the names of moves got old really, really fast. Elbow connects out of the corner, but Miz catches Styles off the buckles with a Manhattan drop, which he then turns into a figure-4. Styles reverses, putting the pressure on Miz. Miz quickly releases, then gets put in the Calf Krusher out of the corner. Miz manages a rope break, and he kicks Styles in the knee. He tries the SCF again, which Styles counters into a victory roll for 2. Styles then connects with the Pele before hitting some chops in the corner. He then looks to finish the match, but Styles misses the Phenomenal Forearm when Miz sees it coming and rolls to the floor. Styles lands on his feet as Miz tries to head to the back, only for Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows cut him off. Miz turns around into a slingshot forearm on the floor. Back in, the Phenomenal Forearm gets 3.
WINNER: AJ STYLES.
Anderson and Gallows applaud Styles, who looks on in confusion.
Rip Thomas is standing by with Sami Zayn and Dean Ambrose. He points out the main event. Ambrose says he doesn’t like Chris Jericho or Kevin Owens. He doesn’t like receiving cheap shots. Tonight, he and Zayn will make them look like two pounds of spoiled spotted dick. Zayn says they need a team name tonight. They argue over some options. This segment really goes nowhere.
Miz is still in the ring with his leg bothering him. Maryse helps him up, and he goes on more about Styles, Gallows and Anderson. He’s demanding an investigation on the match here and now. Who in the hell behind-the-scenes thinks people are interested in seeing or hearing him do anything, ever? Miz refuses to leave unless someone comes out to address his complaints.
Eventually, Shane McMahon comes out. You know it’s bad when Shane saves a segment. Shane is here to see how Smackdown is run, and Miz’s bitching is not his top priority. Miz complains. And complains. And complains. And complains. He orders Shane to the back while poking him in the chest. Shane warns him not to touch him anymore. Miz ignores him, so Shane hits a few of his terrible jabs before planting Miz with a jumping back elbow. One more punch and a clothesline sends Miz to the floor.
We see Anderson and Gallows in the back talking. Rip Thomas cuts them off and asks if that attack confirmed they are aligned with Styles. Gallows says Styles doesn’t need them to help him; they’re just looking to make an impact. Anderson says it’ll be like the impact they make in their in-ring debut on RAW against the Usos. Gallows says they have arrived.
MATCH 3: NAOMI AND TAMINA VS. NATALYA AND PAIGE
Nattie and Tamina start with a lock-up, into a waistlock by Nattie. Tamina breaks it and applies an arm wringer. Nattie counters before getting yanked down by the hair. Naomi tags in, and she kicks Nattie’s arm before throwing her to the corner. Nattie reverses a corner whip before Naomi makes her toss the salad. Nattie trips her and tags in Paige. The faces hit a double snapmare and a wishbone. Paige kicks Naomi in the head, then tags in Nattie for another snapmare, followed by a basement dropkick. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter, but gets kicked off. Naomi rolls to the apron, where she lands a high kick. She comes back in for a legdrop for 2. Tamina tags in and clotheslines Nattie for 2, then forearms Paige on the apron. The distraction by Paige allows the heels to double-team in the corner before Naomi tags in and the heels hit a combination Manhattan drop and seated dropkick for 2. Tamina back in with another snapmare and a rear chinlock. Nattie gets yanked down by the hair as she tries to fight back. Tamina misses a knee and Paige makes the tag. Naomi does as well and eats a few kicks. She hits the Pepsi Max in the corner, knocks Tamina off the apron and connects with a knee on Naomi for 2. Naomi throws a couple punches before Paige catches a cross-body. Naomi tries to escape for a counter, botches it, then gets thrown into the corner off a bulldog attempt. Paige then hits the Ram-Paige for 2 as Tamina breaks it up. Nattie comes in and locks her in the Sharpshooter as Paige locks on the PTO on Naomi for the submission win.
WINNERS: NATALYA AND PAIGE.
MATCH 4: R-TRUTH VS. FANDANGO (SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: GOLDUST)
Truth applies a headlock, then hits a shoulder off the ropes. Crisscross ends with a Fandango hiptoss. Fandango with a headlock now. Truth puts the brakes on the crisscross, dances, then hits a hiptoss. More dancing. Fandango dances. Goldust is dancing. This leads to the three popping and locking. Truth lets go, and now the other two are dancing. Goldust stops to get back to the match, and as Fandango dances more, he turns around into Lil’ Jimmy for 3.
Truth and Goldust dance more after the match. I’m in hell.
Promo time from Enzo Amore and Big Cass. Thankfully, it’s cut short by the entrance of the Vaudevillains. Aiden English says everyone is sick of the ramblings of a fool. Considering it’s coming out of a rodent with a bad case of mange, he’s not surprised. Enzo spits out some crap and basically admits he’s stupid. Simon Gotch says they will learn a harsh lesson, and it won’t be a laughing matter. English knows they cut their teeth in the same place, but this is a man’s world. They are men from a bygone era. Gotch says when they win at Payback, they will be the ones asking, “How are you doing?” Now it’s Cass’ turn to drone on. God, the promos tonight have been horrendous.
More from Epico and Primo about how beautiful Puerto Rico is.
MATCH 5: CHRIS JERICHO AND KEVIN OWENS VS. SAMI ZAYN AND DEAN AMBROSE
Owens starts, then immediately tags in Jericho. Zayn starts for his team, and the two lock up before Jericho grinds Zayn down with a headlock. Zayn counters into a wristlock. Jericho with some chops before Zayn does a reverse leapfrog and hits a trio of armdrags into an armbar. Ambrose in with some chops before Jericho hits a back elbow. He goes for the Walls early, but Ambrose counters and goes for Dirty Deeds. Jericho escapes to the floor as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, a posing pin gets 2 for Jericho before he tags in Owens. Owens beats Ambrose down, then assaults him in the corner. Jericho tags in and stomps Ambrose down before hitting some chops. He runs into an elbow in the corner before Zayn tags in. Zayn hits a side kick and a clothesline. He knocks Owens off the apron, then comes off the top with a cross-body on Jericho for 2. Jericho gets tossed to the apron, then comes off the top, only to get hit with a few shots before Zayn goes for a springboard armdrag. Instead, Zayn dives down onto Owens at ringside. Back in the ring, Owens makes a blind tag and trips Zayn, then pulls him to the floor and launches him into the barricade. Back in the ring, Owens kicks Zayn a few times, then tosses him to the heel corner. Jericho in with a snapmare and a chinlock. Zayne fights out before running into a back elbow. The Lionsault gets 2. Zayn ducks a clothesline and hits a blue thunder bomb. Owens and Ambrose tag in. Ambrose with a couple of forearms and a cross-body into some punches. Ambrose hits a corner forearm, misses the bulldog, boots Owens out of the corner, then low-bridges him to the floor. Ambrose collides with Owens off a tope suicida.Jericho interjects and gets kicked from the apron. Back in, Owens plants Ambrose with a superkick for 2. Owens calls for the pop-up, but Ambrose puts on the brakes. He misses the Lunatic Lariat but turns it into Dirty Deeds for 2 as Jericho breaks it up. Zayn sends Jericho out with a Helluva Kick. Ambrose heads up top, but Jericho crotches him, which allows Owens to get the 3.
WINNERS: CHRIS JERICHO AND KEVIN OWENS.
END OF SHOW.