WWE Smackdown Live opens with Randy Orton entering the building. He’s stopped by New Interviewer Girl, who says he’ll face Alberto Del Rio tonight. Sweet Jeezus. WHY?! She asks how he’s staying focused. Orton blathers on about Brock Lesnar, who he has at Summerslam. It takes him a lot of words to say “RKO” and “Viperville”, which is his dumbass new catchphrase. ADR, in a super-douchey shirt, interrupts, which allows Orton to talk about how amazing the RKO is. ADR threatens to break his arm.
The reformed-yet-again Wyatt Family make their way out, now down to just Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan, since Braun Strowman is on RAW and Luke Harper is out with an injury for who knows how long. This gimmick’s drawing power died ages ago when WWE buried it by putting Wyatt into meaningless feuds that went nowhere and were based on nothing. Now, he’s losing to Dolph Ziggler, which happened last week. Wyatt would like to make something clear: he didn’t fall to Ziggler last week; he was a victim. Ziggler was desperate. In his desperation came deception. Ziggler ran his face into the exposed buckle because he knew it was the only way. After that, everything went black for Wyatt, and he had to accept that everything had been taken from him again. What Ziggler doesn’t understand is he’s a god. No matter what, you can never kill a god. Dean Ambrose knows this too well. Wyatt has sharp teeth and they will cut like knives. Smackdown is his show now. The Wyatts are their own masters. There is only Bray Wyatt, and it’s him against the whole damn world.
Ambrose comes out now, and he says this really is a new era if Wyatt considers himself a victim. Ambrose makes fun of their shtick and calls Wyatt a baby. This show doesn’t belong to Wyatt; it belongs to the people. Most importantly, it also belongs to the WWE World Champion. Wyatt laughs and tells him if Ambrose wants him off his podium so badly, he can come in the ring and Wyatt can whisper in his ear. Ambrose knows that’s exactly what Wyatt wants. He knows a bad idea when he sees it. On the other hand, the more Wyatt is out here, the more tempting it is to shove all those big words down Wyatt’s throat.
Before that happens, Ziggler walks down to the ring. Can you say “tag team main event”? I know you can. Ziggler hits the ring and gets double-teamed before Ambrose joins the fray. The Wyatts beat the faces down before Ambrose low-bridges Rowan to the floor. Wyatt looks for Sister Abigail on Ambrose, and Ziggler looks to break it up with a superkick, only for Wyatt to throw Ambrose into the boot. Rowan comes back in and eats the superkick before Ziggler is laid out by Sister Abigail.
Up next, American Alpha are in action.
We see Ziggler and Ambrose arguing in the back about what just happened. Ambrose doesn’t want the help, and now he owes Ziggler one. Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan break it up. Bryan makes the tag match I mentioned above official. Shane tells them to channel their energy on this, otherwise, they may not make it to Summerslam. Bryan then tells Ziggler “Screw you” as a receipt for last week.
MATCH 1: AMERICAN ALPHA (CHAD GABLE AND JASON JORDAN) VS. MIKEY O’SHEA AND MIKE VEGA
The Mikes are pudgy local boys. American Alpha desperately need new entrance music.
Before the match gets underway, the Ascension come out. Yep, they’re still around. They’re followed by the Vaudevillains. Up next is the Hype Bros. This is building to Smackdown’s new tag team division, which will likely have its own championship after Summerslam.
The match is underway as Vega is quickly taken down by Gable. Jordan tags in and hits a waistlock takedown and a dragon screw. Gable tags back in for a running leg snap. Jordan back in, and AA hit O’Shea with a double hiptoss as he tries to run interference. A double dropkick sends him to the floor. Vega lands a weak punch on Jordan, which Jordan no-sells. Jordan hits a high overhead belly-to-belly and a running shoulder in the corner. Gable tags in and AA hit their pop-up back suplex finisher for the win.
WINNERS: AMERICAN ALPHA
The other three teams at ringside surround AA, and this leads to an 8-man brawl. Bodies go flying until the ‘Villains and AA are left in the ring. AA make short work of them with throws and suplexes.
Eva Marie’s “Spectacular Debut” Part 2: Electric Boogaloo is up next.
Renee Young is with the Miz and Maryse at the new backstage interview area, which debuted recently. I don’t like it. It’s overproduced and unnecessary. Miz eye-humps his wife as Young tries to talk about Apollo Crews. After a video package, Miz and Maryse are stretched out on the desk. This is a garbage segment, as you would expect. It’s just pathetic.
MATCH 2: BECKY LYNCH VS. EVA MARIE
JBL jizzes all over himself over the last segment, because he is a jackass and a scumbag. He then compares Marie to Gorgeous George (the wrestler, not Randy Savage’s former girlfriend). Again, he is a jackass and a scumbag. I hope Marie does another injury angle so we don’t have to put up with this.
The match is about to get underway, and Marie has a wardrobe malfunction when the straps on her top break. Referee Rudy Charles throws it out again.
Lynch is pissed off. She is a fighter, and this is garbage. She is always prepared to fight. If Marie wants to hide behind sorry excuses, that’s her deal, but there is no way she’s not competing two weeks in a row. She’s fighting right here and now and is issuing an open challenge.
Alexa Bliss responds. She says she’s not just a pretty face; she’s the hottest star on this show. She can’t think of a better debut than knocking off SD’s first female draft pick.
MATCH 2A: BECKY LYNCH VS. ALEXA BLISS
The match is joined in progress after some commercials. Bliss is choking Lynch on the ropes, then follows that up by standing on her back before getting a 2-count. Bliss ties Lynch up in the ropes, then whips Lynch down by the hair for 1. Another pin, another 1-count. Bliss throws some punches for 2. Boy, she is just a wrestling encyclopedia in there. Bliss applies a neck vice, which Lynch fights out of. Bliss hits a knee before Lynch levels her with a a misdirection clothesline. Lynch hits another and a leg lariat. Straight Fire connects, as does the Becksploder.
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Eva Marie comes back out, with her announcer giving her a second introduction. Bliss uses the distraction to hit an awful STO. She walks over Lynch and heads up top and hits Twisted Bliss for 3.
WINNER: ALEXA BLISS
What garbage. A waste of time and Lynch’s talent.
Charlie Caruso, the aforementioned new interviewer girl, is with Eva Marie for an interview on the stage. Marie spits out some terrible acting and says she’ll debut next week. No one on earth gives a damn.
MATCH 3: RANDY ORTON VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO
I am just in hell here. Why not throw the Miz in this match while we’re at it?
If you’ve seen one Randy Orton match in the last 8 years or so, you’ve seen them all. And if you’ve seen one ADR match, well, EVER, you know what to expect from him as well. Orton no-sells a bunch, ADR slaps his thighs constantly. At around 9 minutes or so, ADR gets himself DQ’ed with a chair shot to Orton’s shoulder.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: RANDY ORTON
ADR swings the chair once more before sending Orton shoulder-first into the ring-post. He grabs the chair after rolling Orton in. Orton hits the RKO Outta The Spot He Planned To And You Could See It Coming A Mile Away, because of course he does. Orton then immediately no-sells the attack with the chair.
We see Rhyno warming up for his match with Heath Slater. The camera pans out to show Slater is there as well. Slater says if he wins tonight, he gets a contract for SD. Rhyno doesn’t care, because he already has his. Slater has two kids and needs this job. Rhyno goes off on a political rant for some odd reasons. Slater then says he has four kids and a pool. Rhyno calls him on the mistake, then asks about the pool. It’s an above-ground, which Rhyno doesn’t like.
Earlier today, the Miz got into it with a guy in a Scooby-Doo costume. This is a plug for the new awful WWE/Scooby movie. Scooby locks Miz in the Mystery Machine, then steals Miz’s Audi.
MATCH 4: HEATH SLATER VS. RHYNO
If Slater wins, he gets a spot on the SD roster. I believe this is Rhyno’s first televised WWE match (not counting NXT) since One Night Stand 2005. Funny thing was he had actually been fired prior to that show, but was brought back for the one night.
Slater gets a go-behind before the two trade arm wringers. Slater runs into a shoulder. Tackle, dropdown, blocked hiptoss into a short-arm. Slater and Rhyno trade some punches before Slater sends Rhyno hard into the buckles. A big boot puts Rhyno down for a trio of 2-counts. Slater applies a rear chinlock, which Rhyno fights out of. Slater pulls him down by the hair for another 2-count. He goes back to the chinlock. Oy. Rhyno comes back with a belly-to-belly off the ropes, then signals for the Gore. Slater sidesteps it and rolls Rhyno up in a schoolboy. He nearly has 3, but referee Rudy Charles sees him get his feet on the ropes and refuses the count. Slater argues with Rudy before turning around into a Gore for 3.
We get another Wyatt Family promo, this time from their darkened room. Bray Wyatt tells Erick Rowan he’s always been a good soldier, but tonight, he’s asking Rowan to be prepared to give his life for the Family, to show their cause is worth dying for. He wants Rowan to do what he does best, which is destroy. Watching his matches, I’m pretty sure he’s best at botching simple moves.
We get an exclusive look at the remake of Ben-Hur. It looks as bad as you’re probably imagining.
We see Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan in their office. Shane is holding a contract, and asks if Bryan wants to do this. Bryan reveals that they’re discussing Heath Slater. He thinks Slater has a lot of heart and represents exactly what they want for the “Blue Brand” by being hungry. Slater storms in on that note and screams about how this is their loss in not signing. Bryan is trying to tell him the good news, but Slater is screaming about how he’s done and SD doesn’t deserve him. He storms off, and it looks like the contract is no longer on the table.
Carmella comes out for a match against Natalya, which was supposed to happen last week, but Nattie put a stop to that by beating the hell out of her. Her entrance promo spiel is even worse than that of Enzo Amore and Big Cass, her former charges in NXT. She is yelling about Natalya while dancing. Nattie tries to charge again, but Carmella sees her coming and gets the upper hand. She throws Nattie into the ring and the brawl goes on a bit more before the ref pulls them apart. After checking on Nattie, this match can begin.
MATCH 5: CARMELLA VS. NATALYA
Carmella hits a Thesz press and hits some forearms before Nattie gets a rope-break. She suckers Carmella into the ropes, then yanks her down by the hair. Nattie chokes Carmell across the middle rope, then covers her for 2. Nattie snaps off a suplex, then does it again. Nattie taunts the crowd, and actually gets a pretty hearty pop. Nattie then stomps Carmella in the corner before getting another pop despite being the heel. Carmella kicks Nattie in the gut from the corner before Nattie hits a snapmare and locks in a modified surfboard while talking trash. Carmella almost fights out, but gets yanked down by the hair. Nattie walks across her stomach before Carmella sneaks in a schoolgirl for 2. Nattie drops her with a clothesline and kips up to another pop, then sits on Carmella for 2. Nattie locks in an abdominal stretch while continuing the trash talk, making fun of Carmella’s New York stereotype gimmick. Nattie stretches the hell out of Carmella before Carmella breaks the hold with some elbows to the leg. Nattie shrugs it off, hits a knee to the gut and follows up with Nattie By Nature for 2. More pops. She sets up the Sharpshooter, but Carmella kicks her away. Carmella botches applying a headscissors, which is apparently called the Code of Silence. A headscissors as a finisher. Jeezus. And, for chrissakes, Nattie taps.
MATCH 6: DOLPH ZIGGLER AND WWE WORLD CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. THE WYATT FAMILY (ERICK ROWAN AND BRAY WYATT)
The Wyatts start by attacking the faces, with Rowan sending Ziggler to the floor so Wyatt can focus on Ambrose. Ambrose comes back with a clothesline and some mounted punches before a recovered Ziggler tags himself in off some Ambrose stomps in the corner. The two argue for a moment before double-teaming Wyatt. Wyatt escapes a neckbreaker and hits an uppercut to the back of Ziggler’s head. Ziggler comes back with a dropkick before Rowan tags in. Wyatt escapes the leaping DDT and sends Ziggler into an apron clothesline from Rowan. Ziggler falls to the floor as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Wyatt hits a bodyslam before missing a running senton. Ziggler dives for a tag, and Ambrose unloads on Wyatt with clotheslines. He nails a corner forearm and a running bulldog. Rowan eats a forearm on the apron before Ambrose hits him with a pescado. Rowan gets slammed face-first into the announce desk before heading back to the ring, where Wyatt lands a big clothesline. Rowan tags in and hits a jumping splash for 2. Rowan drives his fists into Ambrose’s temples before setting him across the top rope for some shots to the gut. Ambrose slaps him before Rowan boots Ambrose straight to the floor. Wyatt tags in and goes after Ambrose, where Ambrose rams him into the barricade. Ambrose comes off the apron for the flying elbowline, only to get caught and hit with a standing uranage against the apron. God, I hate apron moves. They are so stupid and dangerous. Back in the ring, Wyatt taunts Ziggler before calling for Sister Abigail in the corner. Ambrose comes back and looks for Dirty Deeds. Wyatt escapes and dodges the Lunatic Lariat before getting caught with a swinging neckbreaker. Rowan and Ziggler both tag in, with Ziggler going on offense. He puts Rowan down with a neckbreaker before wiping out Wyatt on the apron. The Shot to the Heart connects for 2. Rowan avoids the rocker dropper, but Ziggler rolls through and schoolboys him for 2. The leaping DDT gets 2. Rowan blocks a superkick and hits a spin kick to the chest for 2. Ziggler escapes a powerbomb and hits the Zig-Zag for 2 before Wyatt breaks it up. Ambrose comes in and gets caught with Sister Abigail, only to escape and send Wyatt to the floor. Ambrose and Wyatt make a mess of a tope suicida, while back in the ring, Ziggler avoids Rowan’s botched sideslam finisher and hits the superkick for 3.
WINNERS: DEAN AMBROSE AND DOLPH ZIGGLER
The faces celebrate as Wyatt continues to lose every match since the Draft. Ambrose then boots Ziggler and plants him with Dirty Deeds, a receipt from earlier tonight.
END OF SHOW.
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