Humor

The Unofficial WWE Royal Rumble 2010 Script

Originally published in January 2010: Guys, you are NOT going to believe this!

One of my colleagues was taking a tour of Titan Tower recently when, with nobody the wiser, he snuck into the board room of WWE’s crack(ed up) writing staff, and he swiped Vince McMahon’s hand-written script for the 2010 Royal Rumble match!

I know, I know, it would be totally unscrupulous and wrong to post it here and spoil the annual classic to the world, but come on now. This is an incredible scoop!

So here, from the pen and mind of Vinnie Mac, to you, is what lies ahead on January 31.
******

FORMAT

Justin Roberts does formal intros, explaining the rules. If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s a man with a monotoned voice who whispers the first 85% of a sentence and then grunts the last three or four words. I have no idea why anyone misses Howard Finkel.

1. CM Punk
2. Matt Hardy

Give them ninety seconds to do some nifty reversals and false eliminations. Let the smarks have some memorable moments, so that they’ll be tempted to give the match no less than a *** rating when they write their blogs come Monday morning.

3. Finlay
Finlay’s all-pro, and the fans respect him, so let him mix it up with both Punk and Hardy, playing to their strengths. Tease some more eliminations. It’ll be like Christmas morning for those zit faced virgins.

4. Yoshi Tatsu
Give the impression that we’re elevating talent by having Tatsu go hog wild with kicks and crazy flippy dippy crap. Just for a goof, have Tatsu and Matt hit some old Hardy Boyz double team move on Punk, just to reference the Punk-Jeff Hardy feud from last summer. Those fourteen year old wallflowers who buy the fluorescent armbands will feel really special.

5. Carlito
Continue the glorified stunt show and make those Hot Pocket snarfing smarks feel like we’re totally changing our course. Then have Punk toss out Tatsu after a cheap shot, just to show them who’s boss. If there’s anything funnier than pulling the rug out from under the high expectations of these pale geeks, then I don’t want to know what it is.

6. John Morrison
Morrison has a DVD coming out in February, so it’s showcase time! Moonlight drive for Carlito, Starship Pain for Punk. Let Morrison and Hardy work together, despite being mortal enemies three years ago. Like the kids at home are gonna remember.

7. Jack Swagger
Fans aren’t buying his push. Must be the Deliverance Shuffle™ he does on the way to the ring. Let’s reinforce his need to be pushed by having him dump Finlay. Then the WCW fans that we haven’t demoralized can boo Swags. Have Punk and Hardy keep going at it some more so that the tweener-kids can be distracted from that “wrestling” crap.

8. Kofi Kingston
Time to clear the dead wood! Look, my wife’s running for Senate. We need a black man to go over strong, so that we can swing some votes our way. Adios Carlito and Swagger! Anytime the fans go “BOOM! BOOM!”, I’m closer to a positive blurb in Jet magazine. Credibility, here I come!

9. Dolph Ziggler
Let him wear Matt down with the sleeper hold, and have him actually knock Hardy out with it. Then let Punk dump Hardy with ease. Why? Because I’m secretly delighted by the anguished shrieks of teenage girls, that’s why. It’s the only common ground that Lawler and I have. Also, Kofi and JoMo can tee off on Punk, because DVD sales and minority votes are a key to booking any match.

10. Evan Bourne
Listen carefully: stuntman dive onto Ziggler and Morrison, stuntman elimination when Punk sends him flying. Hear that sound? That’s the pissed off virgins again. Between them and the Hardyphiles, it’s like ebb and flow.

11. R-Truth
Yeah, like I’m going to forget that he once made an album called “InVinceAble” and tried to hand out freebies in the parking lot of Raw a few years back. Ziggler sends Grandmaster Flash out within 45 seconds. Kofi then attacks Ziggler out of racial equality, or something. I need to pay attention more when Linda goes on about ‘political ethics’ or who-what.

12. Mark Henry
More showcasing! Let’s see those Connecticut Democrats call us racist if we have TWO blacks dominating at the same time! Boom boom legdrop by Kingston on Ziggler, World’s Strongest Slam on Punk. Then have Morrison dance with Kofi and Henry to demonstrate that WWE promotes harmony between races. We’re practically civil rights pioneers at this point!

13. William Regal
We need a plausible way to get Morrison tossed out so that he doesn’t outshine DX, Show, Cena, and Batista later. So he dumps out Regal, and then Punk dumps him moments later. Now the fans are catching on that Punk might go the distance. They’ll think we’re pushing him! HAH!

14. Kane
This is where Michael Cole earns his money: he screams about his record breaking year in 2001, where he made eleven dump-outs. Kane’s been in a face-load of Rumbles, which Lawler can hype. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s never once won, but who cares? He chokeslams everyone in the ring, saving Henry for last for the ‘monster pop’. Then he does the pyro thingie with his arms, because it’s more important than actually tossing someone out. The kids’ll love it!

15. Chris Jericho
Now the virgins can stop crying, because here comes their mascot. We’ll throw em a bone and let Jericho end Kofi’s night right about here. We’ll even let Jericho avoid the chokeslam and hit Kane with the Codebreaker. Note those sporadic pops from the disheveled smarks. Remember this lesson: no matter how many times you ground your kids, you can still win their love back with ice cream. It made me the shrewd father that I was for my three kids. Three? Two? Right, two.

16. Shawn Michaels
Time to make the kiddies happy again! Shawn gets to carry four guys (equivalent to one Nash), and let them bounce off of his forearm smashes. Since Shawn’s getting older, this can take up all ninety seconds. Which is good, because now I’m out of ideas.

17. Santino Marella
Comedy spot, Shawn chucks him. More forearm smashes. Jeez, I wish I hadn’t alienated Pat Patterson. He was great at booking these things. Have Shawn throw in a crotch chop too, that’ll eat up some time.

18. The Hurricane
Comedy spot, Shawn chucks him. More forearm smashes. Jeez, I wish I hadn’t alienated Pat Patterson. He was great at booking these things. Have Shawn throw in a crotch chop too, that’ll eat up some time.

19. Drew McIntyre
Comedy spot, Shaw—oops, booking autopilot fail! Ha ha, sorry, I didn’t realize that we were on someone that I wanna actually push! Let Drew toss Mark Henry out. Anytime you throw a 400 pounder out, the fans instantly buy you as a threat. Remember when Cena dumped out Viscera in 2005? I know I’m not the only one!

20. Cody Rhodes
Now we’re in the “take a corner, pretend to be throwing somebody out” phrase. That’s when all but two guys go to the corners and ropes, and the remaining two are highlighted in the ring. It keeps the ADD-addled fans from getting confused. Anyway, Cody tussles with Michaels and actually hits the Cross Rhodes. If they can stretch this out ninety seconds, we may yet get hailed as geniuses.

21. Edge
Gotta set up Edge-Jericho for Mania, so Edge goes nuts and throws Jericho out as revenge for the heinous act of choosing a different partner after Edge got hurt for the 17th time. To everyone in the ring: DON’T TOUCH EDGE! He’s delicate! Edge then eliminates himself by diving onto Jericho out of “vengeance-induced madness”. PLEASE, Chris, make sure he doesn’t hit the floor too hard? If his ACLs were any more frail, he’d be on the injured list for a WNBA team.

22. The Miz
Back to corner mode. This time, Miz does a routine with Shawn in center ring, hitting the Skull Crushing Finale. Look, it’s not complicated. If you want complicated, you should have ordered Genesis, okay?

23. Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin hits some crazy stuff on everyone. This will give the guys time to lay around and sell the exhaustion of holding onto the ropes for five minutes at a time. Then Miz can dump out Benjamin when he’s not looking. There’s a metaphor in there about stuck up white people taking advantage of hard working blacks, and I’m sure the voters will see it.

24. MVP
MVP and Miz have a feud, unless we killed it off and I forgot. No, it’s still on, never mind. Let em trade off stuff while everyone else plays dead. No one ever wonders why fresh guys don’t dump out the borderline comatose guys on the mat. Never.

25. Ted Dibiase
Legacy double team time! Bye bye Kane! The fans will be SHOCKED that he didn’t win it! What a boon for this stud team to throw out a true legend of Royal Rumbles! Rhodes and Dibiase then shake hands, because there’s no dissension at all! Cole and Lawler will emphasize this like they’re selling Mighty Putty while hepped up on crank. If I don’t hear the phrase “Marine-like skills” from Cole at least twice, I will NOT be happy!

26. Big Show
Headbutts for all!

27. Batista
Clotheslines and spinebusters for all!

28. John Cena
Shoulder tackles for all! Also, he dumps Punk, because it’s funny. The more these brats argue on message boards and YouTube response videos, the more my stock remains stable. Commence the whining!

29. Zack Ryder
Ryder in, Ryder out, courtesy of Cena. Zack’s fresh, 24 years old, and has an interesting gimmick, but I’m sure he’s not worth making into a credible threat. Also, Batista tosses out MVP for reasons that will become clear.

30. Triple H
Ok, so we got seven heels (Ziggler, McIntyre, Rhodes, Dibiase, Batista, Show, Miz) against DX and Cena. Let’s watch the heroes overcome the odds! First, Ziggler goes after a Pedigree (I’d forgotten Dolph was still in there, quite frankly). Then DX and Cena can gang up on Show and send him packing. He’s been in there eight minutes anyway, so I’m sure he’s winded. Then Rhodes and Dibiase can try dumping Cena out, but there will be a miscue and both men are sent to the floor instead! TENSION! Cena can then “salute” Dibiase, as a nod to the Marine films! Insider references!

Finale:
That leaves Cena, Michaels, Hunter, McIntyre, Miz, and Batista. Who’s least important, least important, hmmm. In any scenario, according to me, the least important person is always the Intercontinental champion. Sorry, Drew. The Attitude Adjustment ends your evening. Cena will begin to celebrate, and the Miz can sneak up and chuck him out, thus making Miz a bigger heel for eliminating the crowd favorite. Yes, I just typed that last sentence with a straight face.

DX now gangs up on Batista and Miz, keeping them at bay, using crotch chops to break up any potential fan narcolepsy. After a false heel comeback that nobody will see coming, Hunter and Shawn collectively dump Batista. In the blink of an eye, Hunter then dumps Shawn to prevent him from facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania! TENSION! Shawn stares at Hunter from the floor, making the same sad face he used to make when I’d say “Shawn, I really need you to put Vader over tonight”. Miz will then slowly rise, giving the smarks hope that he’ll dump Hunter and that we’ll be elevating a new star. PSYCH! Pedigree on Miz, goodbye Miz, HUNTER WINS! Man, I had too much fun writing that.

Afterward, Shawn and Hunter celebrate together, because we only do happy endings for our shows now. Besides, Shawn’s such a sap these days. Ever since we convinced him that peeing in the cup for Hunter at drug screening time was A-OK by his Savior, life’s been easy.

Speaking of easy, I know Wrestlemania 26 will have an easy time shattering buyrate records with a Triple H-Sheamus main event for the coveted WWE Title. The only problem will be coming up with a tagline for the event.

Is “VOTE FOR LINDA” too tacky?

Justin Henry is a freelance writer who covers the NFL for FootballNation and professional wrestling on a freelance basis. He can be found at Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh) and Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh)

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Justin Henry

Justin Henry has been an occasional contributor to Camel Clutch Blog since 2009. His other work can be found at WrestleCrap.com and ColdHardFootballFacts.com. He can be found on Twitter, so give him a follow.

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