The 25th anniversary of the Royal Rumble just ended and we have all taken some time to digest what we have seen Sunday night. Chris Jericho stated at the RAW before the Rumble that the end of the world as we knew it would occur. Many fans were upset of what they thought was the lack of follow-up on that proclamation. I attempt to explain how the Royal Rumble DID follow-up and gave us an apocalyptic preview to WWE programming for the rest of the year (or according to the Mayans), the remaining time in human existence.
WWE Championship: Triple Threat Steel Cage Match
Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry
Steel Cage Matches. Remember when it was a big deal to see a cage match on a PPV? The first Steel Cage match in Royal Rumble history was a bust to say the least. The match wasn’t horrible, but it was by no means great, or even good. No memorable spots, no intense drama, no unpredictability, and the fact that you could even win the match with a pinfall or submission, defeats the purpose of even have the steel cage at all.
In the Abyss:
The rest of the card if that was how you would start the 25th anniversary of arguably the second best PPV of the year and kickoff to the Road to WrestleMania.
Rising from the dead:
Big Show & Mark Henry: Daniel Bryan made these two who individuals, who combine for almost 1,000 lbs. of non-talent, look respectable in the ring.
8 Team Divas Tag Match:
Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve, Alicia Fox, Tamina
Every WWE Diva not named Beth Phoenix. Drew McIntyre was wrong; this division is an embarrassment to this business!
The fans who decided to sit and watch this match instead of going to the restroom and getting concessions.
In the Abyss:
The commentators who were so bored that they had to check how many followers they had on Twitter.
John Cena vs. Kane
John Cena. Yes, I said John Cena! For someone who is facing the Rock at WrestleMania, Cena looked like every jobber that I saw on Super Stars in the 80’s. The match was long, boring, and put Cena in almost as a pathetic weak state as Zack Ryder. WWE gave us no reason to believe that Cena is even capable of putting on a remotely competitive match against the Great One. FAIL!
Kane. How can you demolish John Cena AND Zack Ryder AGAIN, and not be included in the Royal Rumble match? Must be someone special taking his spot for the big red machine to end his Rumble appearance streak and chance of breaking HBK’s elimination record.
Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay (The Funkasauraus)
Drew McIntyre: He hasn’t been fired yet? He is following in former WWE star MVP’s footsteps in losing every match he is booked in.
Brodus Clay: I’m baffled to why he wasn’t in the Royal Rumble match. He has a crappy gimmick that the fans actually seem to like and you could have had some fun with the gimmick by adding Ernest the “Cat” Miller to the Rumble to have a dance-off before Brodus eliminates him. Instead you have another squash match in a PPV that we could have seen on RAW or SmackDown.
Cameron Lynn & Naomi: This may be the highlight of your respective careers, dancing in some god awful outfits and not having worse dance moves than Brodus himself.
In the Abyss:
Tough Enough & NXT Contestants: How do you feel that these two beat you to the main roster? I know they suck, but what does that say about your ability and potential?
WWE Championship: Special Guest Referee John Lauranitis
CM Punk (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Dolph Ziggler’s four victories over CM Punk were erased in less than 30 minutes by four pinfalls in the title match.
WWE Universe was duped by a bait and switch. You advertise and tease a special guest referee who could affect the outcome of a title match and he doesn’t even officiate that match, nor affect it in any negative way.
30 Man Royal Rumble Match:
Dolph Ziggler: Add another loss to his crappy night!
Cody Rhodes: Relegated to eliminating over the hill wrestlers AKA WWE Legends and looking forward to an equally un amusing feud with Gold Dust. Oh by the way he lasted more than 40 minutes and had the most eliminations, before being dumped out easily with Miz by the Big Show!
Miz: See Cody Rhodes minus having to face Gold Dust.
R-Truth: I beat Miz on RAW to avoid drawing #1 in the Royal Rumble so that I could draw freaking #3. Maybe Little Jimmy should’ve drawn his number for him.
Wade Barrett: The Barrett Barrage was non-existent and was owned by hometown hero Randy Orton. He did eliminate the heavy set “Road Dogg”.
Chris Jericho: Returning WWE mega stars usually win the Royal Rumble. HHH, Edge, and Cena all did, but not Y2J. 2 months of videos and hype for nothing.
Rising from the dead:
Kharma: She looked better than ever! I hope she and Beth Phoenix can save what’s left of the Divas division. I’m also interested to see if they will put her in the mid-card mix with her male counterparts.
Great Khali: He looked dominant disposing of Jindar Mahal and Ezekiel Jackson. I’ll admit that I was afraid this goof would eliminate my picks to win: Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler.
Sheamus: A story that belongs in folklore: A former two time WWE Champion and King of the Ring winner who was recently feuding with jobber Jindar Mahal, eliminates the returning Chris Jericho to become the Royal Rumble winner.
1. Burying your mid-card talent and top draws so the 3 commentators can enter the Royal Rumble? It means the end of the world.
2. Putting in one-half of two different tag teams= burying an already non-existent tag team division.
3. Not putting your biggest draw in John Cena in the Royal Rumble= catastrophic mistake and huge turnoff to fans.
5. If you have to build up a former two time WWE Champion and King of the Ring winner, as the next rising star or top babyface by winning the Royal Rumble, than it truly is the end of the world as we know it!
Roberto Padilla is host of “The Full Nelson Radio Show” Mile High Sports Radio 1510 AM/93.7 FM Denver; Sundays 2-4 PM ET, www.milehighsports.com Internet Sports Station GoMileHigh.com; Wednesdays 9-11 PM ET, www.gomilehigh.com/fullnelson Twitter: Roberto Padilla @HeelTruth