-So yeah, Kurt Angle may have just blown his last chance, blah, blah, blah. I already spent 1200 words on it, and you can find it here.
-Live from Columbus, OH. I’m finishing the official WrestleCrap Fantasy Football draft during this review, so if I seem distracted, blame RD Reynolds.
Opening Segment: CM Punk
Long story short: Punk rants on Hunter and Nash, wants to fight Nash, Nash comes out to talk (looking like a client of George Zahorian, who’s operating out of his basement somewhere). Punk puts Nash in his place with estrogen and age jokes, and before we can get a confrontation, Triple H makes his way out. If Punk finally does take Nash’s head off, the weeks of build will be totally worth it. Nash wants HHH to fire Punk, but HHH reports that he knows the truth behind the Summerslam “TextGate”, and reveals that Nash sent the text from Hunter’s phone to himself. Nash goes on a near-incoherent rant about making WWE cool again (“beep beep!”), but HHH is about ready to fire Nash for lying. Nash goads Hunter, and Hunter takes him down. Then Hunter fires him. Kinda hoped that Nash would last long enough for Punk to take him out, but what can you do? Punk gets the ‘future endeavors’ parting shot.
SEGMENT RATING: 6/10. Kinda confused; how does this continue the HHH/Punk match at Night of Champions? I guess Raw is still young, and we’ll get our answer later. Hopefully, anyway.
[adinserter block=”2″]Match 1: Air Boom vs. Jinder Mahal/Great Khali (Non Title Match)
Well, you wanted a tag team division, so here you go. They should call them The Curry Men just to annoy the fanboys. Boring heat segment on Bourne leads to a lukewarm tag to Kofi, who curries favor with the crowd (see what I did there?) by adding life to this match. Khali accidentally chops Mahal, and Kofi tags Bourne, who lands Air Bourne to win.
WINNERS: Air Boom via Air Bourne
RATING: 3/10. Only purpose it served was to give Kofi and Bourne another one. For that, I’m satisfied.
Match 2: Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix (#1 Contendership)
I think the Hart Family should just adopt Beth and call her “The Hit Girl”. Any objections? Natalya and Kelly bicker on commentary, and hopefully Cole treats Nattie better than her cousin. Beth pretty much dominates and finishes Eve with the Glam Slam. Natalya beats up Kelly just for the hell of it. I have no problem with any of them.
WINNER: Beth Phoenix via Glam Slam
RATING: 4/10. Just because they didn’t foul up the booking.
Match 3: CM Punk vs. R-Truth
Miz and R-Truth discuss the alleged conspiracy before the match, with the two building on their great “YOU SUCK” spiel from weeks ago. Miz’s plaid suit is the stuff of legend. Anywho,”The Awesome Truth” is challenging Air Boom to a title match at Night of Champions. I’m down with this. Commentary annoyance: CM Punk injures his knee on the floor after being jumped by The Miz, and while R-Truth works over the leg, Cole and JR get caught up in their arguing and ignore the important turning point. Just let Cole manage, already. Punk does land a hell of a superplex to wake the crowd up and get the announcers’ attention again, however. GTS is countered due to Punk’s bad knee into Truth’s old Hat Rack Crack, which is a move name I never understood. Miz interferes a time too many and gets ejected. I never get tired of that old concept. Truth tries to capitalize, but eats the GTS ultimately.
WINNER: CM Punk via Go to Sleep
RATING: 6/10. Decent, but nothing special. Just a solid mid-show match.
Then Triple H makes his way out, and Punk declares that he’s not believing the HHH/Nash rift for a second. HHH doesn’t care about that, because he’s here to change the match to a no holds barred match. Punk ups the ante, agreeing to HHH’s match on the condition that Triple H resign as COO if he loses at Night of Champions 2011. HHH agrees. Well then.
Match 4: Jerry Lawler/Zack Ryder vs. Michael McGillicutty/David Otunga
Yes, Ryder gets a Lawler endorsement AND special intro video. Vince McMahon must be locked in a closet somewhere. Lawler’s even cheerleading for Zack on the apron, so there seems to be some commitment to getting him over for real. Lawler’s dropkick is still awesome, as is seeing him face Curt Hennig’s son for historical reasons. Lawler gets the fist drop on Otunga, and Ryder gets the Ruff Ryder for the finish.
WINNERS: Jerry Lawler and Zack Ryder via Rough Ryder
RATING: 4/10. Short and to the point, and it’s designed to get somebody new over. No complaints.
Match 5: Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater (Non Title Match)
You better believe this is a non title match. Slater gets a nice leaping enzuigiri that the crowd cares little about. At least they’re giving the kids a chance though, so that’s something. Orton lands the “Throw em out-no wait-hanging” DDT, followed by the RKO, to end it.
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO
RATING: 4/10. Slater got his offense, and Orton got a decisive win. Fair enough.
In Ring Segment: John Cena
John Cena is frustrated with Alberto Del Rio ducking him, and this prompts Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce his charge, aka my favorite heel in the sport right now. Del Rio brings out a heel brigade with Christian, Dolph Ziggler, Wade Barrett to jump Cena, but a group including Alex Riley, Sheamus, and John Morrison brawl with them off. Teddy Long makes his way out, but not to introduce DA UNDATAYKUH PLAYA. Long books a Survivor Series match as the main event. I’m down.
SEGMENT RATING: 8/10. Hey, it was spirited, and it gave us a Survivor Series match. What more could I ask?
[adinserter block=”1″]Main Event: John Cena/Alex Riley/John Morrison/Sheamus vs. Christian/Wade Barrett/Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger (Survivor Series Match). Morrison is the first to go via submission to Swagger’s ankle lock. That’ll learn him to rip creative on Twitter. Unlike Morrison, Riley, apparently a company man, is given ample time to build a heat segment with the heels. Ziggler and Swagger tease more dissention. One needs to walk out like Bad News Brown a la the old Survivor Series matches. Then, to my surprise, A-Ry taps to the ankle lock as well. Sheamus takes a beating, but manages to eliminate Barrett with the Brogue Kick to make it 3-2. A Christian slap results in he and Sheamus having a foot chase on the floor, resulting in a brawl on the stage and a double count out. Cena vs. the feuding heels? I’m gonna write the ending before it happens. Crowd’s VERY loud for Cena. Double Five Knuckle Shuffle connects. Ziggler eats the AA for the elimination, and Swagger fails to save, just so he can try and win alone. Swagger gets the ankle lock, but rolls into the STF, forcing Swagger to tap.
WINNERS: John Cena, Sheamus, Alex Riley, and John Morrison (John Cena survives)
RATING: 8/10. I’m a sucker for elimination matches. Crucify me.
Afterwards, Alberto Del Rio gets the AA from Cena, just to cast more seeds of doubt.
OVERALL: Nothing really blowaway this week, but the little stuff worked. The main event was fun, Punk/HHH now has more riding on it, Ryder got significant airtime, the Nash firing is a nice twist, and a host of undercarders got a chance to appear on TV. As a PPV sell, it was average, but as a good old fashioned wrestling show, I’ll take it. A big improvement from last week.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.
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