-Regarding last night’s Bound For Glory, and the fans who complained about Roode losing and saying it ruined the entire show, I got one thing to say: http://bit.ly/qfH0E5 and if you disagree, I wanna hear why.
-Taped from Distrito Federal
Opening Segment: Johnny Ace Talks
I really wanna hear Ace’s raspy monotone in Spanish. Not really, but just for the laugh. He partially obliges with a “QUE PASA” in his “Terry Funk with a mouthful of Velveeta” voice. “Mexican people have no sense of humor” says Ace. What? They gave us La Parka! Ace brings back Jim Ross, apparently because the fans demanded it. Wait, so WWE gives the fans what they ask for? Is this like some kind of opposites week? Ace hugging JR is hilarious, as is his atrocious, non-WWE-ized way of talking. He’s the perfect heel! But Ross isn’t here to commentate. Instead, Ace shows footage of Cole singing the Goodbye Song when Ross was fired last week. Awww, we missed out on Del Rio singing! So tonight (er, Saturday), it’s Ross and John Cena vs. Cole and Del Rio. Errrr….yay? This brings out Randy Orton for some ill-defined reason….oh, it’s a match.
SEGMENT RATING: 6/10. Just because I liked Ace’s douchey heel act.
[adinserter block=”2″]Match 1: Randy Orton/John Morrison/Sheamus vs. Mark Henry/Cody Rhodes/Christian
Cody Rhodes’ smarmy monotone is the best voice in wrestling next to Don West’s “orgasm in a wind tunnel” yell. Also, I hope Raw never takes place in France. I’d hate to see John Morrison wind up dead in a bathtub. Gotta say, these piped cheers are sad. Christian avoids Sheamus to further their feud, and Cody takes over. I gotta say, for someone as scrawny as Cody (compared to the roid monsters on the roster), I’m happy to see him get so much convincing offense on bigger opponents. Orton annihilates Rhodes up the ramp, and the crowd loves it as we take a break. Coming back, Morrison and Henry are going at it. Apparently, Rhodes and Orton have fought out of the arena. Maybe they can have a bathroom brawl like Kevin Sullivan and that guy who never existed. I love the bad editing on the floor as Sheamus and Christian go at it. I’m having “Episodes of WWF Challenge in 1994” flashbacks. World’s Strongest Slam finishes Morrison. Morrison jobbed? I never woulda guessed!
WINNERS: The Heels via World’s Strongest Slam
RATING: 6/10. Meh. It was meh. See you in TNA, John Hendrix or John Joplin or John Von Trapp or…..
Match 2: Eve Torres vs. Natalya
Oh boy, Eve vs. Beth at Vengeance. Beth gets to wrestle a broomstick (covered in spray tan, and with half the personality). Match is pretty boring until Eve actually hits a nice clothesline/STO move. Then she finishes with a moonsault.
WINNER: Eve Torres via Blandsault
RATING: 3/10. The modified STO was nice, so I gave it an extra point. Look, don’t cramp my system.
Match 3: CM Punk vs. The Miz
Punk says “no heat machine necessary”. I have to say, treating The Miz and R-Truth like any other guys after that awesome ending to Hell in a Cell is counterproductive. Miz and Truth remind Punk of the beatdown at Hell in a Cell, which is at least an effort to remind everyone that both men are “thugs” and not “comedic midcarders”. The diatribe brings out suit-wearing Triple H, as we head to commercial. Back to action, and Punk and Miz have a feeling out process, which hopefully means “good, long match”. Punk manages control early with a crowd pleasing tope. Is Punk at the point now where he’ll be over no matter what? Punk takes a spill to the floor and hurts his leg, which brings Truth around, but Hunter runs him off. Match slows down a bit with a plodding slugfest. Truth and Miz do illegal double teaming as we hit a rest hold, and the crowd rallies behind Punk with chants. Miz keeps control with a double axe handle and some crossface punches while we slow down just a little more. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Cole busting on Lawler after the King quoted Taylor Swift, and Cole said “Well, she’s in your age bracket…” Punk swings the momentum around, and Hunter chases Truth off before Ace comes out and demands the match be stopped. Ace and Hunter have an inaudible convo at ringside, and HHH is ejected. Hunter, because he’s so manly, slugs R-Truth on the way out. Turns out HHH had a customs issue. Trafficking steroids? Err, no, couldn’t be. Anywho, WE STILL HAVE A MATCH and Miz is working a chinlock. Is this an iron man match? Punk finally begins what should be the winning segment with a neckbreaker and his corner knee. Punk lands the flying elbow and some bizarre editing, and after sending Miz into Truth on the apron, rolls him up with a clichéd pin and win. The heels get their barely-there heat back afterward with a beatdown
WINNER: CM Punk via roll-up
RATING: 5/10. The worst Punk match I’ve seen this year, and probably the worst Miz match too. Then again, I’d hardly hold them accountable.
Match 4: Jack Swagger vs. Zack Ryder
The camera focuses on Vickie and her can-can girl outfit, because she’s here to sell PPVs. She cuts her typical stilted promo with “EXCUSE MES” to wake the crowd up. Anyway, Jack Dolph gets a rematch with Air Boom at Vengeance. Fine with me. Dolph Ziggler referring to himself as a “heel” will probably annoy the office, and thus I love him. Swagger tries to sing America’s National Anthem. “YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PLACE! NOW I’M GOING TO START OVER!” Okay, I laughed. Ryder finally interrupts. Swagger’s amateur style powerslam is flipping sweet. Ryder upsets early with the Ruff Ryder. Jack Dolph goes to attack, but Mason Ryan runs them off. And we get Ryan and Ziggler next.
WINNER: Zack Ryder via Ruff Ryder
RATING: 4/10. Extra points for Jack Dolph’s prematch promo and, hey, Ryder won, right?
Match 5: Mason Ryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (non title match)
Joined in progress (What is this, All-American Wrestling?) and Ziggler has a hard time felling Blandtista. Ryan takes over with his “I’m so strong!” offense, and I really care about none of this. Vickie slaps Ryan, and Mason goes irate on Ziggler as a result, and gets disqualified for excessive violence in the corner. Good. Cole getting giddy over Ryan’s power offense is disturbing.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via DQ
RATING: 3/10. Yeah.
[adinserter block=”1″]Main Event: Alberto Del Rio/Michael Cole vs. John Cena/Jim Ross
You’d think Del Rio would get deafening roars, but I guess these people take their rudos seriously. If Jim Ross pulls off a tope con hilo, it would save the show. Michael Cole’s rope-twirl intro makes me happy. Ross and Cole start, just to demonstrate what fans would apparently rather see than AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels. Cena and Del Rio in quickly, as we could have an actual match worth watching. Rudo Cena dominates and the crowd loses their patience with him quickly. Crowd finally cheers Del Rio when he goes on offense. Early chinlock means we’re playing light tonight. Del Rio and Cena run through house show style offense, which is a good indication as to how WWE views taped Raws as compared to live ones. Really, we’re just in cruise control until JR gives Cole his comeuppance. Del Rio misses a backsplash after a long heat segment and he takes over with shoulder blocks and the five knuckle shuffle. Del Rio has enough and tags Cole, allowing Cole a chance to do some classic Bobby Heenan-style begging. Cena shakes his hand and pulls him into an AA. Ross comes in and taps Cole to an ankle lock. Del Rio takes an AA on the floor afterward. Cena makes the match for Vengeance a last man standing match, demonstrating such by counting Del Rio out himself after a brutal attack.
WINNERS: John Cena and Jim via ankle lock
RATING: 5/10. And yeah.
OVERALL: A glorified house show with minimal angle advancement, and a lousy commercial for a $50 PPV in just six days. I know WWE stacked October with two PPVs to try and steal Bound For Glory’s thunder, but no one’s going to spend any money on poorly-set events. Tonight’s show certainly didn’t help matters.
Full October 17 WWE RAW Supershow results…
Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, and Christian defeated Randy Orton, Sheamus, and John Morrison
Eve defeated Natalya
C.M. Punk defeated The Miz
Zack Ryder over Jack Swagger
Dolph Ziggler defeated Mason Ryan by DQ
John Cena and Jim Ross defeated Alberto Del Rio and Michael Cole
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.