–Finish my Metallica top fifty, or review WWE Raw? Guess this is gonna be an all nighter. Damn you, Raw. Why must you be a two hour potential waste of my life? Your crappy enigma stifles me.
-Live from Oklahoma City. Odds of JR being embarrassed: 2-1.
Opening Segment: Triple H is so alone, SO ALONE
No commentators, no wrestlers, just Triple H wandering around to near silence. Thank God the sound technician didn’t vote ‘no confidence’. Who would have pushed play for Motorhead, if not for him? I do like that Triple H buries the roster for being a bunch of pansies. Ahh, but the dissidents are in the parking lot with their wrestling gear handy. Yep, deus ex machina is back! HHH asks the fans if he should leave, and they boo. What the hell happened to wrestling crowds? Triple H gives his version of the “I Have a Dream” speech, and buries the roster some more. John Cena’s here, because he’s a WORKING MAN, and he comes out to confront HHH. I’d laugh if Johnny Ace came out and announced that both men failed wellness tests, even if it’s not in the script. Cena says the world wants to know where he stands on the no confidence issue. DAMN IT, ERIC, I’M MISSING THE BEARS AND LIONS FOR THIS CRAP! Cena announces he’s staying and gets a mixed reaction. Well, who didn’t see THAT coming? Then Sheamus comes out, presumably to begin his colossal push toward WrestleMania. Sheamus complains about past events involving HHH. GET TO THE MOTHER F—KING POINT! I AM NOT MISSING THE LIONS ASCENT, NOR TAKING TIME FROM WRITING MY METALLICA OPUS, TO RECAP VINCE MCMAHON’S ATTEMPT TO MOCK THE OCCUPY-WALL STREET PROTESTORS! Sheamus says everyone in the parking lot is a loser. Take THAT, Evan Bourne! Sheamus is staying, and that brings out CM Punk. Punk points out that he made walking out cool. No, Raven did, but we can revise history here. Punk then tries to sell the audience on the company. You know what would sell me? WRESTLING! Punk declares his allegiance to WWE, albeit for chaotic reasons, as we all die a little inside. Tonight, we get Sheamus and John Cena, with HHH as the referee, and CM Punk gets free reign at the commentary booth. Okay, that part rules. Commercial as the match starts.
SEGMENT RATING: 0/10. I would rather have Michael J Fox perform a hysterectomy on me while I’m awake and he’s blindfolded than sit through that again.
Back from break and Punk is CALLING THE MATCH. Forty five seconds after the break, No Chance in Hell hits, and Vince McMahon storms the ring. Vince kicks the wrestlers out, leaving just him and his son in law. Of course he does. Is it me, or does Vince look younger? Vince McMahon: “I don’t think any of us know where it’s going”. We have our out-of-context quote of the decade. Vince informs HHH that the board of directors have ousted him as COO. Vince adds that no McMahon will be running Raw, but rather John Laurinaitis is briefly taking over. Good, a villainous authority figure that will actually get booed. I’m okay with this. Fades to commercial from there.
RATING: 0/10. I didn’t yield for a Volkswagen earlier and caused it to swerve to avoid me. I feel like this show is my punishment.
-The entire roster is welcomed back, looking like the freed Iranian hostages as they file in. Ace makes John Morrison vs. Christian. Is that Cyndi Lauper in a fedora? Oh, that’s Heath Slater.
Match 2: John Morrison vs. Christian
It can only go up from here. Both men are in street clothes, but it’s not a street fight. I am confused. Christian comes out with Rhodes, Swagger, and Ziggler (aka Cody Jack Dolph). Morrison manages to get the shirt-over-the-head hockey tactic, but Christian wins with a spear.
WINNER: Christian via spear
RATING: 2/10. Upward mobility!
Then the heels all beat Morrison up. DUMP MELINA! THIS ISN’T WORTH IT!
In Ring Segment: Mark Henry
Hey, more talking! Lengthy video to bring the Henry-Show feud up to speed for those who don’t watch Smackdown. Then Randy Orton is out for the next match. Well, it’s wrestling.
Match 2: Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton (non title match)
Back from commercial to Henry beating Orton up, but it doesn’t last. Sigh, hardly any action. After tonight’s Raw, Bruce Prichard, Dixie Carter, you’re getting my conditional loyalty for a few weeks. DON’T BLOW IT. Then Henry takes over, and my will to pay attention is shot. Rope DDT by Orton, but Cody Rhodes interferes to prevent the RKO. Orton ends up getting it anyway, and Rhodes has to save Henry on 2 for the DQ
WINNER: Randy Orton by DQ
RATING: 4/10. Sure, why not.
Rhodes and Henry destroy Orton afterward. Hey kids, Super Orton’s back. And Mark Henry needs help to kill him. But Cody Rhodes’ disturbing promo after bagging Orton makes it worth it for a moment
SPECIAL CODY RHODES BAG PROMO RATING: 8/10. I’m feeling better now.
Match 3: Kelly Kelly/Eve Torres vs. Rosa Mendes/Tamina
2-1 says Rosa gets buried. Screaming Kelly screams. And screams. And nobody cares. GAHHH! IT’S ONLY 10:12! QUALITY OF LIFE IS NO MORE! This match is so bad, Cole has to plug Johnny Ace’s Twitter. Oh, Tamina got pinned. That’s nice.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly/Eve Torres via moonsault
RATING: 1/10. F-ks. They are not given.
Then Johnny Ace is out to collect from Kelly Kelly his weekly blo—er, cut a promo. Ace makes Del Rio/Cena for Vengeance and invites JR in the ring. Yep. Ace calls JR an ingrate for walking out, and then rips him some more. Ace fires JR, because JR’s never been embarrassed in his home state before. Jim Ross can’t even bother to be upset, because this is what, the fifteenth time in the last twelve years this has happened? Yeah.
Match 4: Mason Ryan/Air Boom vs. Jack Dolph/David Otunga
Nice of Ryan to give Ziggler a concussion on a botch throw back into the ring. Ziggler seems legit pissed too. Back from break and Kofi’s the face in peril. I like the majority of these guys, but this show just sapped my energy. My apologies. Alleged hot tag to Ryan as he mauls Ziggler (while Cole and Lawler take turns blowing him, so you know the push is coming). Ryan nearly breaks Ziggler’s neck with a gun slinger uranage and pins him.
WINNERS: Air Boom and Mason Ryan via gun slinger uranage
RATING: 4/10. Prepare for the Mason Ryan push. Ugh.
Ricardo, Alberto, CM…..save me
We’re now in “Help me, Obi Wan” mode. Punk with shoulder blocks early, and we got a nifty little wrestling match between two professionals. Punk chops Del Rio down with kicks, and FINALLY brings this crowd to life. Then Del Rio takes over, rather aggressively, and gets a great dropkick to the back of the neck. Early chinlock usually indicates an abbreviated match. Punk ends up missing the corner charge knee and tumbles to the floor. Then Ace comes out to stop the match, and turns it into a tag team match with Punk and Del Rio now forced to team against The Awesome Truth, now reinstated. Umm….ok then, sounds fine.
Actual Main Event: Alberto Del Rio/CM Punk vs. The Awesome Truth
I’m not gonna lie, I’m done typing. I’m just waiting for the end of the show to announce the winner and any plot development. I like all four guys, but c’mon, this show is more troubled than MacKenzie Phillips doing Father’s Day shopping. Del Rio ends up taking a walk, leaving Punk alone, because Del Rio is a heel and Punk is a face. Punk absorbs a long beating in very Cena-like fashion. Punk ends up taking down both men himself. Before he can GTS Miz, he gets an extended double team that leads to a DQ. Then HHH runs in to attack both men. Punk and HHH brutalize Awesome Truth, and both men run off. Hall and Nash, they aren’t.
WINNERS: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio via DQ
RATING: 5/10. Match of the night. Yeah.
OVERALL: There are no words. I hate everything.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.