-If you want a look at just how far WWE buyrates have fallen, especially with the brand extension being a moot point, take a look here. http://bit.ly/sOUJNq You won’t regret it.
-Yes, the Slammys are back once again. But where’s Dennis Miller to make his too-upper-class-for-the-room political jokes? These things aren’t the same without Owen Hart overselling the prestige of winning one.
-Live from Norfolk, VA, home of DX’s invasion in the once-edgy WWE.
-Wow, Owen Hart footage in the opening Slammy montage. Martha Hart wins the Slammy for “Most Likely to Have Her Lawyers Call WWE First Thing Tuesday Morning”
Opening Segment: Slammy Presentation
Booker T is on hand to present the “Tell Me I Did NOT Just See That” Award. I predict it’ll go to the WrestleMania 27 booking sheet. Oh, and Hornswoggle is here, just to drive away of viewers. Ham-fisted dialogue ensues. Nominees for the award are Jim Ross in a dance contest, Alberto Del Rio and Santino Marella’s Royal Rumble finish, R-Truth getting “okey-doked”, and The Miz masquerading as The Rock. Winner is Jim Ross getting down. JR’s speech is interrupted by an angry Michael Cole. Booker sticks up for JR, and declares that JR will face Michael Cole in a “rap-off”.
*sigh* Oh god……
Cole does the usual insults, and JR responds with insults, and the crowd boos Cole, and the crowd cheers JR. Booker declares JR the champ. It could end there, but Booker demands a “JR-roonie”. Oh God. Booker does the spinaroonie, and JR does his impression of a catatonic squirrel.
Segment Rating: 0/10. I’d rather be in a human centipede with every 350+ Samoan in wrestling history than watch that again.
Segment: Mick Foley and The Million Dollar Man
This could rule, but I’m already having PTSD flashbacks to that first segment. Props to Dibiase for dropping about 50 lbs. This is for the “Holy Bleep” Award, Nominees are Sheamus powerbombing Sin Cara through a ladder, Orton catching Christian in the RKO at Summerslam, the Vengeance superplex, and Bourne’s Air Bourne at MITB. Show and Henry win, which is actually a nice way to promote the match for Sunday: remind fans of the awesome moment. Show says he’d rather show his spectacularness inside the ring, so it’s up for a match.
Returning from commercial to join the match in progress (what is this, All-American Wrestling?). Show tries to table Barrett at ringside, but eats the ring post. Barrett teases a dive onto Show, but Big Show intimidates him by breaking the table with his bare hands. Barrett goes to use a chair, but Show punches through it, and Barrett gets DQed.
WINNER: Big Show via DQ
Rating: 4/10. It was short, but served to make Show look deadly, and kept Barrett strong. After that opening segment, I’m counting the small miracles.
Award Segment: THE ROAD DOGG~!
Oh you didn’t know? Dogg looks good, all things considered. He’s here to present “Pipe Bomb of the Year”, which leads to a montage of bizarre promo moments. Punk wins for….something, but who cares, right? It’s Punk! Punk brings out a flamboyantly-dressed mannequin. Punk thanks Johnny Ace, who the mannequin is an effigy of: boring, no personality, and lacking balls. Punk then saves the ENTIRE SHOW by playing a Johnny Ace video package to a bad 80’s power rock song. I am DYING watching this. This was seriously the funniest thing Raw has done in AGES. Had the crowd not been killed by the opening segment, they woulda been rolling in the aisles. Punk closes with his Ace impression.
Rating: 15/10. It defied MATH!
Award Segment: Lita
Lita wants to thank WWE for letting her use their car service! And this is for most “Divalicious” moment. Maybe it’ll be for firing Maryse for doing nude pix like 2 decades ago. Noms: Natalya’s double sharpshooter, Kelly wins the Divas title, Kharma wrecks Michelle McCool, and Beth plants Eve with the top rope Glam Slam. Kelly Kelly wins, and I’m sure Lita’s fighting the urge to puke all over the podium. Anyway, this brings Pin Up Strong out. Beth snatches the trophy, and Kelly smacks her. This causes Pin Up Strong to back down. Sure
Rating: 3/10. Well, Lita looked hot, at least.
Award Segment: Santino Marella and the Bella Twins
If the Bellas skirts were any shorter, they’d be necklaces. This is for “OMG” moment. Noms: Tombstone by HHH on Undertaker, Rock screws Cena at WrestleMania, the wrestlers walk out, and Punk wins the WWE Title at MITB. Undertaker kicking out the Tombstone somehow wins. This brings Trips out, who poses for a few minutes. Hunter brags about Undertaker not being able to leave under his own power. We rehash the Kevin Nash attack. Ramble, ramble, ramble, grumble, grumble, grumble, Nash is gonna die.
Rating: 2/10. Road Dogg’s backstage wondering if Hunter remembers the days before he was a self-parody.
Match 2: Zack Ryder vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Dolph Ziggler (For the Trending Superstar Trophy)
Ryder and Bryan hit stereo dives to the floor, so of course we go to commercial. Once we return, Ryder and Bryan have a faceoff that ends with Ryder getting the Broski Boot for 2. Rhodes and Ziggler clean house and call truce on each other, opting to beat both faces down. Ziggler lands a nice javelin dropkick for 2, and Cody and he argue over the pin. Bryan rolls Rhodes up for 2, and the two engage in a tremendous pin sequence. During a lull, Rhodes rolls Dolph up for 2, and the heels collide with Rhodes getting an Alabama Slam for 2. Second commercial, which is fine, because it means more wrestling. When we return, Rhodes has Ryder in a figure four, which Ryder manages to escape. Ziggler prevents another Broski Boot, and then stomps Ryder into oblivion. Dolph’s one of those guys that was just born to be a heel. Bryan, Ryder, and Ziggler go into a wild sequence of pins and clotheslines, and Bryan ends up kicking the snot out of Rhodes. Ziggler suplexes Ryder, and Rhodes superplexes Bryan. Rhodes and Ziggler slug it out, and Rhodes inadverantly sends Ryder into Dolph with the Ruff Ryder, Rhodes gives Ziggler Cross Rhodes, Bryan tries the Lebell Lock on Rhodes, but Dolph hits the Zig Zag on Bryan to win. Ryder, however, wins the trending award, and Dolph beats him up.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zig Zag
RATING: 8/10. Redeems the show a lot. These four men are WWE’s future, and it seems WWE realizes it.
Award Segment: Christian
Here to present “Gamechanger of the Year”. Christian gives himself the “Courageous Moment of the Year” award for being here in spite of his injuries. Christian then complains about now being nominated for the big awards, before they go to the footage. Nominees: HHH and Vince McMahon, Edge, Kevin Nash (really?), The Rock and John Cena. Seriously, I know it’s a fake award show, but how is Punk not nominated? Rock and Cena win, and this brings Cena out. Cena puts over Rock for helping him win the award, and introduces him……but he does not appear. Cena acts surprised that Rock didn’t show up, and Cena then acts surprised that Rock didn’t even send a tape. “I apologize for Team Bring It for not bringing it.” Cena says he’s merely trying to fuel Rock’s motivation. Cena ends the speech with respect toward the Rock, which is a shame. Cena was finally being snarky, and it was working.
Rating: 6/10. Eh, Cena’s faux sincerity was funny. I’ll take my victories where I can get em.
Match 3: Alberto Del Rio & The Miz vs. Randy Orton & CM Punk
Orton and Miz renew their rivalry from a year ago as Lawler awesomely namedrops Andy Kaufman in reference to Christian’s neckbrace. I think Tony Clifton oughta host Raw some time. Miz and Del Rio take over on Orton early on while Punk rallies the crowd for a man who he once threatened the wife of. Punk comes in and takes over, trying to rejuvenate the dying crowd. Punk calls for the GTS, but ADR fights out and Miz manages to take Punk down. We go into commercial with the heels back in control. Upon return, Miz wears Punk down with a chinlock and Punk gets a backslide for 2. Del Rio takes over for Miz and Punk manages to withstand his onslaught, getting a neckbreaker. Miz tags in and prevents Punk’s attempt at a tag. Punk gets a roll-up for 2 and Miz takes back over. Tag to Del Rio, and he works over Punk in the home corner. Miz tags back in and lands the corner clothesline for 2 as the crowd very slowly rallies behind Punk, despite the long night. Punk counters the back/neckbreaker with a roundhouse and the crowd is VERY alive, but Del Rio cuts Punk off. Wade Barrett comes out of nowhere and takes Orton off the apron. Miz tries a second corner clothesline, gets crotched. Punk tries the GTS, but Miz escapes and lands the Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Afterward, Orton goes after Barrett, and the heels use the ladder to pulverize Punk.
WINNERS: The Miz and Alberto Del Rio vs. Skull Crushing Finale
Rating: 7/10. Enjoyable tag team match, even if I’d bet my house that Punk retains at TLC. Methinks Punk pins ADR to save Miz’s heat for his renewed push.
Award Segment: Vickie Guerrero and Goldust
This is for “A-Lister” of the year. Who the hell came up with these categories? Nominees: Hugh Jackman, The Muppets, Snooki, and Cee-Lo Green. The winner is whoever was willing to show up and claim the award (or at least send a tape). Snooki wins, and hey, she sent a tape! Well, that was…..there.
Match 4: Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal
I didn’t have enough veggies today, so I guess I’ll take some squash now. No match as Jinder eats the Brogue Kick as he gets into the ring. Okay.
What’s up with the DSL’s on Rey’s face? He’s here to announce Superstar of the Year: Randy Orton, The Miz, CM Punk, Alberto Del Rio, Mark Henry, and John Cena. Punk wins, and thus the internet is triumphant. Punk is still hurt from earlier, so John Laurinaitis. Ace “humbly” accepts the award on Punk’s behalf. Ace is just a born heel.
Rating: 5/10. Ace as a dry heel just makes me laugh.
Main Event: Mark Henry vs. John Cena (non title)
Henry throws Cena down and we go to commercial. At 10:56 EST. If we don’t come back to action with somebody already having won and I’m still reviewing this at 11:04, I just may have a seizure. Back to action at 10:59 and Henry misses the big splash. Cena with a back suplex as there’s still no end in sight. Cena lands the 5KS, but Henry blocks the AA. Cena hammers away in another comeback, but jumps into a bearhug. Cena breaks free. Henry lands the World’s Strongest Slam, but the lights go out and pyro explodes. A masked, a new-look Kane appears on the stage, and the Big Red Monster hits the ring and…..chokeslams Cena! Kane stands over the fallen Cena as the show closes.
WINNER: John Cena by DQ
Rating: 6/10. Ending made it. Kane looks evil again, as opposed to “King Kong Bundy on NutriSystem”
OVERALL: The Ace video, the four way and Kane’s return = yay. The rest of it can eat it.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.