-So we’re taped, and it’s just as well, since CM Punk offended some hypersensitive people earlier today with an in-character comment. Punk apologized, and I watch another edgy part of society go down the commode.
-Speaking of Punk, let’s recap his awesome, awesome speech from last week. Then let’s remind ourselves that Raw tonight it taped, so we’ll have a dead crowd and no spontaneity. Wait, isn’t that how it is most live weeks?
–John Cena is out first, and the crowd is pretty tepid, save for piped cheers. Even Justin Roberts can’t muster his orgasmic reaction for Cena. Oddly enough, Cena says Punk has been suspended for comments that upset WWE brass (which ties in with today perfectly). So it’s R-Truth, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio in a triple threat top contender’s match. God, this crowd is DEAD. They can’t even bring themselves to hate Cena vehemently.
-Cena says WWE’s decision sucks, and the fake cheers agree. Cena says the fans have a voice, which means he’s an effective liar, if nothing else. Cena says corporate fired Daniel Bryan for the tie incident and they confiscate signs, which is nice and work-shooty. Cena calls out Vince McMahon, which isn’t as fun as when Austin did it once upon a time. If Punk’s not here, then I don’t foresee enjoying this much.
–Eve Torres and The Village Bicycle are next!
-Did you know WWE once had a show in the oldest venue in the world? Huh. I had no idea that the Dallas Sportatorium was that old.
[adinserter block=”2″]MATCH 1: BELLA TWINS VS. EVE TORRES/KELLY KELLY
Bellas in black pleather = ok with me. Generic stuff. I apologize if I seem distracted, but the redneck next door is setting off fireworks. If he doesn’t blow his fingers off, I’m going to be sad. Kelly gives Brie the stinkface, thus passing along the dreaded nostril herpes. K2 finishes a Bella.
WINNERS: Eve Torres/Kelly Kelly via pin (K2)
RATING: 2/10. For a T&A exhibition, I feel cheated. Sorry, I’m a pig.
–Andy Leavine hype video. I’ve figured it out: he looks like Dirk Nowitzki meets Tyler Mane. He needs a Michael Myers mask and a big knife to stab LeBron James with.
-Meanwhile, R-Truth is on the phone with Flo from Progressive. But R-Truth switches the GEICO. It’s a swerve! Yeah, I got nothing. He calls Alberto Del Rio “Senor Jimmy”, because WWE is all about sensitivity. Yeah.
MATCH 2: SANTINO MARELLA and VLADIMIR KOZLOV VS. MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY and DAVID OTUNGA (NON TITLE MATCH)
CM Punk’s song was a nice tease. This is sad because it’s every WWE tag team in one match. Kozlov annoys me by tagging in without holding the tag rope. Where are the fundamentals? Weird edit as Kozlov gets clipped by Mr. Average. Marella takes over and Cobra’s Otunga, but loses to Mr. Average’s charging neckbreaker.
WINNERS: David Otunga/Michael McGillicutty via pin (neckbreaker)
RATING: 4/10. Meh.
Afterward, Zack Ryder comes out for a quick WWWYKI to little reaction. Interesting.
–The Miz tries to cut an angry promo, and Evan Bourne sounds like a 12 year old kid as he meets Sgt. Slaughter. Then Swagger confronts Slaughter with the Iraqi stuff, and makes me smile. Can it be time for Slaughter’s annual match?
-You know, I wish I was an alcoholic…..
MATCH 3: SGT. SLAUGHTER VS. JACK SWAGGER
Cole rags on Slaughter’s Iraqi heritage and Jerry Lawler says “We’ve all done some things we wish we hadn’t done”. Yeah, Jerry, what were their names? Swagger refuses to sell the weak cobra clutch and finishes him fast with the charging pump splash.
WINNER: Jack Swagger via pin (running pump splash)
RATING: 2/10. I REALLY wish I was an alcoholic…..
Evan Bourne runs Swagger off. Yeah, run, that kid may have stolen scissors from his second grade class. Slaughter shakes off the beating long enough to do the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, that’s nice.
MATCH 4: ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. R-TRUTH VS. REY MYSTERIO (TRIPLE THREAT MATCH/NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S MATCH)
I’m sad that Skittles is sponsoring Money in the Bank, and we don’t have Jim Ross to go nuts over the Skittles. Typical triple threat action early, with mini-singles matches happening in sequence. Del Rio takes a nasty spill to the floor in an awkward spot, and then R-Truth levels Rey with a Lie Detector for 2. Lawler: “Have you ever known Vince McMahon to change his mind?” Regarding George Zahorian’s employment, sure. Rey busts out the Bret Hart “chest to turnbuckle on the whip” move, but Truth can only get 2. Rey and Del Rio get a modified doomsday device on R-Truth as we head to commercial.
Back with Del Rio in charge and, while this match is decent, I’m just not feeling this taped show. I guess I’m spoiled. It’s like Smackdown with red lighting. Nice combo sunset flip/backroll cradle from the three men and Rey is completely loopy. He seems legit knocked silly. Lawler: “I’m tired just watching this!” Yeah, explains Lawler’s viewing habits to a tee. 619 on Truth, followed by the splash, but ADR gets the armbreaker on Rey for the quick submission.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via submission (cross armbreaker) (#1 contender for WWE Championship)
RATING: 6/10. Decent, but nothing special save for some fun spots.
-Money in the Bank footage from 2005. Apparently, there were only five men in that match…..
-Dolph Ziggler and Vickie are out for a time waster segment, and Lawler makes fat jokes about Vickie, because WWE is all about sensitivity. Gotta say, Vickie’s semi hot in tight jeans. Vickie sings happy birthday to Dolph (since he’s US Champ), and the mid song “EXCUSE ME” is kinda funny. Kofi interrupts Dolph’s declarative speech, wearing jeans (thus violating the Cody Rhodes corollary). Kofi plays the “without Vickie, you can’t beat me” card. Kofi’s eyes are red, but I’m not implying anything. Anyway, Vickie gets (gently) shoved ass first into the cake (COMEDY!), then she takes a header into it.
Well, the crowd was kind of awake…..
-More WWE Money in the Bank memories, this time with Miz winning a year ago. Well, it was better than Swagger winning for sure.
MATCH 5: THE MIZ VS. ALEX RILEY
Gotta say, I love Alex Riley’s nu-metal theme. A-Ry gets an unusual history package out of nowhere. This is kind of a weird place for a potential blood feud to continue, especially with a crowd that’s in hour four of a taping. Miz takes control early, and wears Riley down with a side cravate, then follows with his snap knee DDT for 2. Miz is simply dominating, and it’s not exactly making for an exciting bout. Miz lands a Scorpion deathdrop for 2 as we head to commercial.
[adinserter block=”1″]Geez, we return to a chinlock. Cole calls the match a stalemate and he’s half-right. Riley brightens things with a big spinebuster for 2. Riley’s DDT is countered by a backdrop, and Miz gets the corner clothesline. Miz tries for the backbreaker/neckbreaker, but Riley gets a backslide halfway through for the abrupt pin.
WINNER: Alex Riley via pin (backslide)
RATING: 5/10. Too slow for the longest time, then too quick of an ending. Merely average.
Miz assaults a celebrating Riley, just to continue the feud. Good, this needs a MUCH better post mortem than what we’re getting. Miz sells being near tears before getting a wicked knee to the face that sprawls Riley over the commentary desk. Well, that made up for it.
-Vince is here. Crowd can’t be bothered. I’m with them.
-So McMahon makes his entrance, and basically, Cena goads him into reinstating Punk, and Vince finally does, telling Cena that if he loses to Punk at Money in the Bank, he’s fired. There, that was the crux of the final segment. Now everyone in the arena can go home.
OVERALL: Man, that show dragged like Mae Young’s nips, didn’t it? Taped shows are seldom fun (hence why I rarely watch Smackdown), and I hope it doesn’t derail the momentum from Punk’s speech.
Full RAW 7/04/11 Results…
Alex Riley defeated The Miz
Alberto Del Rio beat Rey Mysterio and R-Truth in a Triple Threat match to become No. 1 contender
Jack Swagger beat Sgt. Slaughter
David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty beat Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov
Eve and Kelly Kelly beat the Bella Twins
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.
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