-The Three Stooges are on tonight. The freaking imitation Stooges are on, and one of them once lost a wrestling match to Bret Hart on WCW Nitro. Everyone who did this movie, Larry David included, should be eviscerated by a knife-wielding fiend prone to violent seizures. The only exclusion is Sofia Vergara, because when I’m a successful writer, she will be my trophy wife.
-And, just for the record: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
-Live from that city where Ron Paul should be living in a year if the media and Washington weren’t in bed together.
-How dare Jerry Lawler refer to those three imbeciles as if they were the actual Stooges? I hope he walks into Chris Hansen’s house by accident.
Opening Segment: John Laurinaitis
I may have to play Ace’s intrepid music whenever I enter work. We get a video of Brock Lesnar’s return. It should be noted that Cole, in the cut-in before NCIS went off the air, uttered the letters “UFC”, which is more shocking than Brock’s actual return. And we get Brock, who is facing John Cena at Extreme Rules. Let’s see THAT do the Lesnar-Mir II buyrate. Lesnar sounds like a cultured Scott Steiner, as he thanks Laurinaitis for making WWE ‘legit’. This brings Cena out to….indifference. No cheers, no boos. Oh, this isn’t a good omen. Finally, the crowd snaps out of its paralysis and gives Cena a mixed reaction. Cena “thanks” Lesnar for last week by smacking Brock, and Lesnar responds with a double leg dive. Nearly the entire room hits the ring to separate the two. See, THIS is better than reading wooden lines! I wonder if McGillicutty asked Brock, “What was it like when my dad kicked your ass on the plane?” Cena has a bloody mouth as a result, which, as Brock may note, adds legitimacy.
Segment Rating: 7/10. Simple and to the point. No talk, just a fight, one that makes me want to see more. Maybe Extreme Rules is too soon for the match, but I sense a DQ finish anyway.
-Laurinaitis blames Teddy Long for Cena’s interference. Silly Johnny; that’s what they have The Miz for. Also, Eve wants to talk business.
Match 1: Rusty Trombone (Brodus Clay/Santino Marella) vs. Jack Dolph (Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger)
Shane Helms apparently claims that Clay somehow stole his “gimmick”. I didn’t know Clay nearly killed the Funkettes on a drunken motorcycle ride. Santino joins in for the some funkiness. Nothing of note until Swagger and Clay get dual tags and Brodus overpowers Swags with ease. Swagger manages to turn the tide with a chop block and shoulderblock for 2, leading to commercial. We return with Ziggler dominating Santino (meaning we missed a hot tag). Nice spot sees Santino dive for the tag, but Swagger catches him, restrains him, then lands a hard spinebuster out of it. Crowd seems off as the heels dominate. Did somebody die during the Superstars tapings? ‘Funkasaurus’ chant finally starts, and he gets the tag, throwing Ziggler around before landing the big splash for the definitive win. Wow, abrupt and clean. Santino and the crew then….get funky.
WINNERS: Brodus Clay and Santino Marella via big splash
RATING: 5/10. Decent formula match, but the dead crowd was a downer.
-Laurinaitis promises big things for Miz, and then Long brings Cena in. Wow, his lip is swollen bad. I love that Laurinaitis has his white WrestleMania suit on the wall, dated with a plaque. Cena wants a match, because he’s legit. So he gets Otunga.
-Marella is looking for the Stooges. Marella: “Have you seen the Three Stooges?” Tyler Reks: “We don’t care!” TYLER REKS IS MY NEW FAVORITE WRESTLER.
-The Stooge search continues, and Santino runs into Kane, and is thusly scared off.
Match 2: R-Truth vs. Cody Rhodes
If I ever find a woman who can tolerate me, I’m totally walking down the wedding aisle to Cody’s theme. Truth gets the upper hand early, but Rhodes lands his brother’s sliding punch, followed by Hardcore Holly’s Alabama Slam. Suit-Wearing Big Show comes out and shows another video, this time of last week’s loss. I sense a pattern. Rhodes is then lulled into the Moment of Truth for the loss. Crowd no cares.
WINNER: R-Truth via Moment of Truth
RATING: 2/10. This is certainly the polar opposite of last week.
-Santino finds a large crate, which he pries open, and the Stooges fall out. Alleged hilarity ensues.
Match 3: Lord TENSAI vs. Yoshi Tatsu
Bye bye, Yoshi. Yoshi hates Tensai for not being Japanese? Why didn’t he protest Yokozuna’s HOF induction? Tensai crunches Tatsu’s arm with an elevated leg drop, and then dissects Tatsu with headbutts. “Albert” chants erupt, so the crowd’s coming out of their coma, at least. Delayed underhook followed by layout senton. The domination ends with the Baldo Bomb, and Tatsu is deader than the crowd. Match ends, and Tensai applies the claw anyway.
WINNER: Lord TENSAI via stoppage
RATING: 2/10. Fading….fading…..fading…..
In Ring Segment: CM Punk
Punk talks about how not everyone gets “straight edge”. I hear ya, dude. Punk’s actually getting some boos for discussing his “lifestyle choices”. Geez, this is one of those nights, I guess. Punk chants outweigh the boos though. Punk recaps the Jericho involvement, and demonstrates some unhinged acting. When Jericho poured the whiskey on him, Punk could only think of his father, nearly bringing him to tears. Jericho interrupts and mocks him further, playing further head games. I wonder if they’re going to mention Jericho’s DUI in 2006 as this storyline continues. Jericho drops the “CM Drunk” card, which will probably be trending in ten minutes. Punk promises that he can’t be broken, and he will take out every bad memory on Jericho. And with Punk worked up, here comes Mark Henry.
Segment Rating: 7/10. Punk’s emotions were great, but it’s just a rehash of everything they’ve done so far. Also, the mostly dead crowd is killing anything with potential.
Match 4: CM Punk vs. Mark Henry (WWE Championship)
Punk goes in pissed on Henry, and eats a chest attack for his troubles. Punk gets DQed instantly for smashing Henry with the monitor. I take it Punk’ll feud with Henry when he finishes with Jericho this month. Cole on Punk hitting Henry with the monitor: “That may have been intentional!” GEE, YA THINK?!?! Jericho comes out with some beer cases, and Henry mauls Punk in the ring out of anger. With Punk laid out, Jericho pops the top on a can, but the champ kicks away to counter. Jericho soon counters with a Codebreaker, and delivers another alcohol shower. Jericho pours over a half dozen beers before FINALLY the referee horde runs in. Punk manages to stand, but eats another Codebreaker for his troubles.
WINNER: Mark Henry by DQ
Rating: 6/10. Okay plot advancement, but, again, this anemic crowd is dragging things. This is just excruciating.
Match 5: Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio
I was thinking Ryder would job to the Stooges. After showing the video of Sheamus Brogue Kicking Chad Patton, repercussions are promised. Yeah, because he’s the first man to ever hit a ref in WWE history. Del Rio dominates until running into Ryder’s knees, and then eats a SICK Broski Boot. Rough Ryder countered, and the cross armbreaker is applied. Ryder, as the show’s resident bitch, taps in less than a second.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via Cross Armbreaker
Rating: 2/10. This show must be like an anti-fan social experiment or something.
-The Stooges do more hijinx. Kill me.
-Do me a favor: sign this petition to bring motorized ring carts back to WrestleMania for next year. It beats this show. http://bluebarcage.blogspot.com/2012/04/bring-back-motorized-ring-carts.html
-In Ring Segment: The Stooges
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. “Curly” comes out dressed as Hulk Hogan, to “Real American”. I’m hiding all sharp objects in my room until this is over. “Curly Hogan” plugs the movie, and Kane comes out to the happiness of all. “Moe” and “Larry” bail, but “Curly” decides to fight. Chokeslam ensues, thus turning Kane face.
Segment Rating: -672/10. That’s a legit rating, so stay off my ass.
-Punk vs. Henry in a no DQ/no countout match next week for the WWE Title. Something to look forward to, actually.
-Mathews interviews Lesnar (to a considerable pop) and mentions winning the UFC Title (to a big ovation as well). Lesnar says Cena can’t hold his jock, and the crowd pops loud for that as well. I like his arrogant interview style, actually.
Main Event: John Cena vs. David Otunga
Otunga gets “graduated from Harvard Law School” instead of a hometown. I wanna come to the ring to “graduate of Penn Foster online school”. Slow match early, with Otunga taking over with generic 80’s heel offense, though he works in a nice dragon sleeper with strikes. Otunga poses in lieu of working, which just punctuates this night. Cena finally takes over with shoulder blocks and the spinout bomb. 5KS connects (sort of), and so does the AA. STF draws the submission.
WINNER: John Cena via STF
Rating: 3/10. It was a match.
-Lesnar runs in afterward and kicks Cena in the balls, just because. Cena eats an F5 for the second week running. End show.
OVERALL: A show like this makes me believe I’ll never know love, or see the sun again. Other than the Lesnar/Cena and Jericho/Punk portions, this show was such a descent from last week, it’s like Dontrelle Willis from year one to year two.
F—king Stooges. I got something I wanna poke in Vince’s eye, but it ain’t fingers.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.