So I’m amazed at how many fans hated last night’s Summerslam, solely because CM Punk didn’t walk out with the belt. I’d say more, but I already spent a thousand words earlier browbeating the idiots with no sense of how televised wrestling works. Check it out here.
-Live from San Diego, CA
-Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Jim Ross.
Opening Segment: Triple H Address
So the crux of Triple H’s speech is he had no idea Kevin Nash was going to interfere, he apologizes to John Cena for missing the foot on the ropes, and generally pleads innocence. Then Alberto Del Rio comes out to gloat. I like that the fans don’t want him to be champion because they “hate him”, which is precisely the point of a heel champion. I like Del Rio promising to take pictures with all the fans and their children, which makes him sound like Kurt Angle meets Gloria Pritchett. The San Diego crowd’s creating good heat for tonight’s match, which makes it a hotbed for the continuation of last night’s unexplained storyline. Del Rio is a natural for this role, as he just relishes in being a jerk, and not one that’s easy for the fans to instinctively cheer for due to a cool factor.
SEGMENT RATING: 7/10. Simple enough, threats issued to build to a title match, and Alberto coming off well in his championship role. We’ll see how the night plays out.
[adinserter block=”2″]Match 1: R-Truth vs. John Morrison (Falls Count Anywhere)
Hey, a “What’s Up” remix for Truth. I did miss the danceable beat of it. John Morrison’s insert promo is like Raven on Quaaludes and if he had his personality ripped out with pliers. Morrison, though, is good for bumping, as he hits a spinning face kick off of a barricade springboard, and then takes the Hat Rack Crack on the outside. I wish R-Truth had picked up Jimmy Hart after all, just so Jimmy can taunt Morrison on the megaphone. “YOU”RE IN TROUBLE NOW, JOHNNY BABY! HA HA HA!” Awesome spot where Morrison suplexes R-Truth into a rolling chair, and then unseats him with a Shining Wizard to win it.
WINNER: John Morrison via Shining Wizard
RATING: 7/10. Clever moments and risky spots make for a good opener. Satisfying enough.
In-Ring Segment: The Miz
Miz is here to…..say hello to “Jared from Subway”. He has a last name, unlike most WWE Divas. Miz insists that he can sell sandwiches better than Jared, and it turns into a commercial. This is like the It’s Always Sunny episode where a fake Donovan McNabb hawked McDonalds to the tryout group.
SEGMENT RATING: 2/10. That’s only because I like Miz and Subway. Nice use of a man who main evented WrestleMania this year.
Match 2: Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins
Eve’s unconditional love and devotion to Kelly borders on creepy. When Kelly does the stinkface, are we to believe that her ass smells horrible? How does that make her a desirable woman then? Either way, Eve finishes a Bella with a moonsault. Afterward, the Divas of Doom make their way out, and join SNL’s oft-forgotten “Sarcastic Clapping Family”. Okay then.
WINNERS: Kelly Kelly and Eve via moonsault
RATING: 2/10. More of the same.
In-Ring Segment: Kevin Nash and CM Punk
Justin Roberts gives Nash an intro that was presumably written by Nash himself. Influential? Well, he influenced WCW fans to watch Raw in droves, so yeah. Nash says Triple H told him to take out whoever won in a text message, but before HHH can confirm or deny, CM Punk comes out (wearing long pants for the first time in his life, it seems) to banter. Punk gets me to smile by saying Nash jumping off a bridge would be good for business. Punk looks pretty strong standing up to a solid talker in Nash, so that’s a good sign. Punk’s text from his sister: “OMG Kevin Nash WTF Thought he was dead LOL” Too funny. Nash begins to stumble over his words, and Punk plays the “You buried Eddie” card. Punk wants to fight, and a security force prevents this from happening. Punk instead chooses to go find HHH and set the record straight.
SEGMENT RATING: 7/10. Decent, but Nash seemed ill-prepared to banter with Punk at length.
Match 3: Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie are on commentary, which means she won’t be screeching as much. Kudos to Dolph for telling Lawler that Vickie’s in better shape than he is. Match is mostly just fodder to get A-Ri over to build his program with Ziggler more. For some reason, Vickie uses JR’s hat to distract the ref, and Riley falls victim to a botched Swagger Bomb. Okay. Ziggler stomps JR’s hat to both attempt to draw heat and to make Vince McMahon happy.
WINNER: Jack Swagger via Swagger Bomb
RATING: 3/10. Boring match, weird distraction…..show’s beginning to take a wrong turn.
Match 4: Kofi Kingston/Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga/Michael McGillicutty (Non Title Match)
Well, Triple H said he was serious about pushing the tag team division. Serious must equal “skull caps and shades” for the bland champs. Even Lawler can’t help but point out how bland McGillicutty and Otunga are. That’s what happens when Vince McMahon has creative ignore the underneath guys and build around the same 12 people. Match is pretty passable until Kofi hits TIP on Mr. Imperfect, and then Bourne finishes with Air Bourne.
WINNERS: Kofi Kingston/Evan Bourne via Air Bourne
RATING: 4/10. Not awful, and hopefully it gets the tag team scene going again.
[adinserter block=”1″]Main Event: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Championship)
Never thought I’d see AAA vs. CMLL over the WWE Title. And, as usual, Ricardo’s presence makes me happy. Not an impressive pop for Mysterio in his hometown, but about 90 minutes of inane programming will do that. I do like that Del Rio tries to rip Rey’s mask off, as if we’ve never seen Rey without the hood, when Kevin Nash once booked him to lose it. Small world. At one point, Rey lands a CRAZY tornado DDT, with extra oomph. Slow middle, but the match builds with the crowd buying everything Mysterio does, and dying off when ADR prevents the 619 from occurring. Those who say Del Rio can’t wrestle, behold his springboard enzuigiri. Rey gets the 619, but the drop eats knees, and Del Rio cradles him over for the clean win.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via kneelift counter (Still WWE Champion)
RATING: 8/10. Good match, would love to see 20 minutes on PPV between the two.
Afterward, Del Rio snaps Rey’s arm over the ropes (could be the injury exit Rey needs if he’s hurt badly enough), and John Cena saves during the cross-armbreaker. People on Twitter praising the “Cena-less” Raw at 10:55 jinxed the show. Cena cuts a promo about ADR killing the title’s integrity, while putting over CM Punk, in very non-PG fashion. I’m liking it, actually.
OVERALL: The middle portion of the show, save for Punk’s remarks to Nash, was pretty blasé, but the opening and closing matches provided enough entertainment to make it a worthwhile show. So call it a mild thumbs up, with intrigue to see where the two big angles (Punk vs. Kliq, Cena vs. ADR) go next week.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.