“Ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, my name is JH and I am the owner of Jaw Hurled Promotions, and tonight, I would like to introduce to you the future of Monday Night Raw reviews! Hashtag all hypocrisy, hash tag zero democracy, I am the man with the plan that’ll slay ya, because on behalf of the fired AW, I am your PRIME! TIME! PLAYA!”
(Yes, out of protest of AW being scapegoated when so many others (read: Vince’s favorites) have messed up royal, I am reviewing this entire three hour go-home show as an AW clone. FIGHT THE POWER! And vote Chris Shays!)
-WWE Monday Night RAW is live from Dallas, TX. “Linda McMahon is like the Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs! Can’t win anything anymore!”
Match 1: CM Punk vs. Big Show (non title)
Punk, attaboy Punk! You jerk that curtain! Punk’s like Rick Santorum, putting moronic kids to sleep at 8 PM! Punk kicks away, get em Punk, get em! Then Show comes back, because he’s a giant, and he got to make a Kobe joke long before AW did! AW thought that set a precedent, but since that happened before July 2012, Vince doesn’t remember it! WWE is so benevolent, giving away a third of the Summerslam main event tonight. Buyrates must be so high that they’re willing to take chances, people. Punk fights back, because WWE decided he’s a babyface this week. Then he gets bodyslammed, because Show is BIG. Show’s like Fred Durst, he’s been around 13 years and people are caring less and less! Yeah, Show, you work that generic hoss offense! Just don’t make any more rape jokes, or you may get fired in ten days! Unless Chris Shays wins tomorrow, then forget it. JH is your man when it comes to politics! Punk with clotheslines and a corner knee! Then Show spears him! Lemme get my $50 out now. And here comes Daniel Bryan, because we love to take organic heroes and make them look like idiots. Zack Ryder knows what I mean! Bryan’s like Linda McMahon; he should just get used to losing! Bryan causes the DQ, and No Locks Punk, and Show helps, so Cena saves because he’s a BENEVOLENT SUPER HERO! One who made flamer jokes at Justin Gabriel! HEROIC! Then AJ comes out, and this crowd is deader than an HGH freak before age 40! AJ does something TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE and books Bryan and Show vs. Cena and Punk. That’s never happened before!
JH Rating: It was like WBF Bodystars: pointless and short-lived!
-Yeah, you tell em JTG! You fight for air time! I hope they don’t bury you for complaining about your WrestleMania payoff!
Match 2: JTG vs. Ryback
Ha ha, Cole says JTG complained about being booked, when it was about a payoff! Cole lies like he’s at a WWE stockholder meeting! Job, JTG, job, attaboy! Uh oh, JTG gets token offense, but it’s all just a front for Ryback killing him! Way to swerve the fans, WWE. Then my man JTG, he gets KILLED with an unsafe powerbomb! Take your $2000 and be happy, Just Too Gangsta! Ooops, the Not-Jackhammer finishes. Ha, you know it’s bad when Cole makes fun of the heel for daring to tweet his legit anger!
JH Rating: That match was like Roddy Piper’s 2003 run: depressing, and politically motivated!
-Ya’ll get to choose who’s in Piper’s Pit outta Jericho, Miz, and Dolph. THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE!
-Cesaro gonna kill it on the pre-show while Piper and HBK hog valuable air time! Welcome to the food chain, Claudio! There’s a difference between being a Superstar and being ON Superstars!
-Hey, it’s Slater! Loser gimmicks ALWAYS work! Right, Zack? Yeah boy!
Match 3: R-Truth vs. Heath Slater
This is 1/7 of the main event of Summerslam 2010, not that anybody here remembers! Vince McMahon has the brain of Al Davis, and that’s the corpse version! Truth hits his finish and Cole ignores it, because it’s so non-descript! Then again, that’s true about many things. HEY, THE BOYS ARE HERE! HASHTAG WIN IT FOR AW! MILLIONS AND BILLIONS BABY!
JH Rating: That match was like like the WWE Network: forgotten about in a matter of seconds!
-Yo, JH is gonna tag out for a bit while my man Michael Cole takes over. I’ll be back sooner than John Cena after a loser-leaves match!
-Mark Henry Tout Olympics Jersey Shore Star Social Media Social Media Pauly D We’re Relevant Please Like Us We’re Relevant Social Media Social Media WWE is #1 Tout Tout Tout GODDAMNIT WHY ARE YOU NOT ON TOUT YET, ASSHOLE?!?!
-Sheamus steal car another Tout plug another Tout plug homogenization of a babyface who was once a bad ass heel Sheamus Sheamus Sheamus buy his merchandise he’s on Twitter here are some incorrect facts about Sheamus to make myself look smart Vince is telling me to plug Tout I love Tout Tout is lord.
-Cole’s tagging out, because Cole can’t do two things at once. Or even one thing at once. I now turn this review over to Jim Ross, even though he’s FAT and has an A$# DISEASE.
Match 3: Sin Cara vs. Tensai
Well by gawd, this Sin Cara has made quite a name for himself in Mexico, although we’re forced to call him Sin Cara instead of Mistico, because my boss is an insecure Jezebel who needs to own the names of his performers. Ask Curt Hennig’s son how that works out. But I don’t have a dog in that hunt, let’s call some fast paced action! This Tensai, he’s a big horse, but he needs to focus on the prize and pursue, not dream and miss out. Cat-like quickness by Cara, but bah gawd, Tensai flattens him like a locomotive! Cara with a nice senton, and what impact on that enzuigiri! TORNADO DDT! TORNADO DDT! And Tensai, he’s taking his anger out on Sakamoto! Tensai needs some Sanka!
JR Sez: It was a short slobberknocker, but a spirited one. Sin Cara’s got the tools necessary to build the tree house, but he can’t sleep in the hammock; the kid has to get it done!
JR also Sez: “BAH GAWD STOP WITH THE HASHTAG S—T”
-JR defers to JH once more
-I was away for 20 minutes, the equivalent of 40 Divas matches! Equal opportunity employers, that WWE!
Piper’s Pit with Chris Jericho
Jericho and I have something in common: we’re the only 2 people who remember his 2003 feud with Piper! As well as Piper’s 1994 feud with Lawler! I doubt Lawler remembers. Vickie interrupts Piper’s senile rambling and brings Ziggler out for witty repartee. Piper tells them to save it for Sunday. Vince is all “zuh?” And now Miz is here. LET’S ALL CUT THE SAME PROMOS. Jericho cleans house, which means he’s losing Sunday.
JH Rating: Jericho’s like American Idol: he has no problem helping produce tomorrow’s losers!
Match 5: Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (non title)
Impromptu matches are like McMahon Family involvement: no longer novel after 1999! And speaking of no longer novel, there’s a Pauly D reference! Because to hell with the workers! Let’s just bombard the audience with a million pointless amenities that they have to remember! GET EM….SOMEBODY! I don’t know, I’ve seen this match a million times before. But not Vince: even if he’s seen it, IT’S NEW TO HIM. Hey, one heel stopped the other from winning! HE FEIGNS SURPRISE BECAUSE HE THINKS IT MATTERS. It’s commercial time, so I’m gonna tag out.
-Tag is made to 1995 Vince McMahon
ALRIGHT, WE’RE BACK WITH MORE MONDAY NIGHT RAW HERE ON USA! And Chris Jericho finds himself in a precarious position, ladies and gentlemen, as The Miz with a knee to the midsection. And now he’s choking him—CMONREFEREEGETINTHEREDISQUALIFYHIM. And Miz covers-THATSHOULDDOITAND—no, only 2. I thought for SURE he had him! Miz now, taking advantage of a weakened Jericho, sitting on the small of the back. Jericho fighting back, there’s a chop! And another! To the buckle and….OHH, Miz lands in a bad way. Jericho now….WHAT A MANEUVER ON ZIGGLER! AND A WHAT A MANUEVER ON MIZ! LIONSAULT! 1-2-HE GOT EM! No, Jericho breaks the pin and takes down Ziggler….OHHH, WHAT A BAD LANDING FOR THE MIZ! Jericho setting him up now, could be the superpl—HERE COMES ZIGGLER ANDDDDDDDD…..ALL THREE MEN ARE DOWN! WHAT A TWO MANUEVERS! Ziggler now covers and….NO! Off the ropes and….OHH, DROPS JERICHO! 1-2-3! 3! 3! NO, only 2! Whew, this action is fast and furious! Miz with Ziggler, SKULL CRUSHING FINALE. THAT SHOULD DO IT AND—no, Jericho saves! Jericho with Miz now….HE’S GOT THE WALLS AND—no, Miz manages to escape! Ziggler in—CODEBREAKER ON ZIGGLER! C’MON JERICHo, COVER HIM IF YOU CAN! 1-2-NO!!! VICKIE WITH THE FOOT ACROSS THE ROPE! The referee needs to do something about this! Miz with a rollup AND—ONLY 2. ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG ON JERICHO, 1 2 AND HE GETS HIM! THIS TIME THERE’S NO EXAGGERATION! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, CHRIS JERICHO HAD THAT MATCH WON, KING!
Shirtless Cena Rating: 2 out of 5. NOT ENOUGH MUSCLES!
-SHAWN MICHAELS AND JOHN CENA TOGETHER! I NEED A SEAMSTRESS TO FIX THE FRONT OF MY CANARY BLUE PANTS—and WAITAMINNIT Punk ruins it. And indeed, CM Punk has killed my man-b#@r to the extent that it cannot regrow itself. DISQUALIFY HIM REFEREE.
-1995 Vince tags plain old Justin Henry, who has grown tired of the gimmicks, as have you.
-Wade Barrett continues to talk about Fight Club
Match 6: Layla/Kaitlyn vs. Beth Phoenix/Eve Torres
I come back in time to see the WORST SUNSET FLIP EVER from Layla. At least I have her and Kaitlyn to stare at. Layla lands a crossbody on Eve for 2, and follows up with an ass bump to the face. I approve. Kaitlyn comes to land a backbreaker for 2, but Eve takes her off the top with a leg drag. Beth kills Kaitlyn for a while as I fight sleep. Sorry Eric, I’m trying. Kaitlyn finishes Beth with a reverse cradle.
WINNER: Layla/Kaitlyn via rolling reverse cradle
Rating: 2/10. Uhh….I like Kaitlyn?
Match 7: John Cena/CM Punk vs. Big Show/Daniel Bryan
I’m fading. Just get to Shawn and Lesnar doing something. And yes, Punk enters before Cena, just because. Cena takes Bryan down with a shoulder block, and then Punk tags himself in. Punk takes care of Bryan in short order, and Cena tags himself back in. Bryan refuses to tag out, so Cena outwrestles him. Bryan finally tags Show, who headbutts Cena down. Maybe Cena questioned him about a condom receipt. Cena fights back, but is dropped hard as he tried a shoulder block, and we go to commercial. And we come back to Cena still being down, courtesy of Show dominance, including a butt-avalanche. Show bearhugs Cena and Bryan does a self-tag. The heels argue, and Bryan misses a corner charge because he’s a loser. Punk brings himself in, and he kicks Bryan’s ass with more ease than he has all year. CONSISTENCY. Like when Show comes back, and he kills Punk. This is as predictable as the last two seasons of SVU. Show bearhugs Punk, because no one’s killing themselves before Sunday. Punk is virtually dead, so here comes Bryan again, and Show just goes to watch from ringside. And of course, Punk takes Bryan down, despite being dead. Punk hits Bryan with Cena’s moves, including the Five Knuckle Shuff-no, Cena tags himself in. High knee and bulldog from Cena. So Punk leaves. Bryan gets a surprise roll-up for 2, and Cena AA’s him to win.
WINNERS: John Cena and CM Punk via AA
Rating: 5/10. I don’t know, I’m just not all that excited for Sunday. Especially watching Bryan be b*tch boy to the stars.
-Show runs in to get Cena, so Punk runs back in and belts him with the…..belt. Punk offers Cena a handshake, and Cena just stares him down, so Punk leaves all pissed off.
Match 8: Damien Sandow vs. Christian
I don’t even know who to cheer for. Sandow drops Christian and lands an elbow for 2. Christian comes back with right hands and a forearm smash. He follows that with the leapfrog punch to the floor, and the diving back elbow. To the floor, where Sandow sends him into the stairs, and then bashes his skull into them for good measure. This brings out Brodus Clay in a knee brace, which distracts Sandow long enough for Christian to roll him up for 2, but Sandow comes back with the Illumination.
WINNER: Damien Sandow via Illumination
Rating: 3/10. Wow, Christian looked like the jobbiest jobber who ever jobbed.
-Lesnar stares down Shawn. Maybe he’s courting him?
Contract Signing: Brock Lesnar and Triple H
Heyman tries to sell the match, but after countless videos of Brock looking like a tool at HHH’s hands, I’m staggering in with the attitude of, “Just get it over with.” Shawn Michaels is a coward, Texans are cowards, yada yada. Michaels makes his way out, and nothing of note happens until Triple H shows up. What a lousy and lazy COO, it’s 10:41! Hunter signs, and Brock just throws the contract in his face without signing. Or maybe he DID sign and then threw it in his face, I’m blacking out here. No one gets beaten up, and we have 15 minutes left. Okay?
Segment Rating: 0/10. I give up, Five Hour Energy cowboy. I’ll drink that crap out of your urethra. SOMEBODY SAVE ME.
-Shawn and Hunter have a heart to heart, and doubt is expressed by HBK.
Segment Rating: 1/10. Only because Shawn kept asking for Haku. Well, he was saying ‘God’, so I’m merely inferring.
OVERALL: Uhh….I liked the triple threat match.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for Wrestlechat.net and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.
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