-Apologies for the delay of this written perspective of WWE Over the Limit, as I was far more busy on Sunday night being engrossed by the final episode of LOST, which, if I may throw my opinion into the pile, was spectacular and moving. Also, it’s a good opportunity to text devoted fans who you know are missing the finale to give them blatantly false spoilers such as “I can’t believe Locke is actually Hurley’s dad!” or “Man, is ABC gonna get phone calls over Kate’s bare breasts”. Well, hey, I believe that if you don’t want something spoiled, then watch it in real time with the rest of the civilized world.
-Speaking of civilized, and by that I mean “the opposite of”, I was warned that Over the Limit was a crap show, and that I didn’t miss anything by watching Jack except his death in the sideways universe on Sunday. Oh, wait. I meant to say “SPOILER ALERT”. Apologies to those I’ve offended.
-Off to Detroit, where Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Matt Striker will broadcast the proceedings in their usual “imitate three ill-informed golf announcers” style. Happy to have em here.
-So the gimmick for this show is….none. Wow, really? I figure given the title of the show that the performers could fight to erase strikes off of their Wellness records. By the way, I think it’s great that someone with a clearly natural body like Batista gets to headline while Carlito’s sitting at home counting how many Somas away he is from having to purchase a refill. Nothing says “kid friendly” like a good old double standard.
-I’ll ignore the opening video in which various superstars attempt to go “over the limit”. Must every event name be twisted into an inane pun? What are going to do for “Fatal Four Way” next month? An auto-erotic orgy gone wrong? “This is one four way that WILL have fatal consequences”….
-Kofi Kingston’s out first to challenge for the IC Title, and his opponent is champion Drew McIntyre. This is like having a breakfast of Jamaican coffee with five spoonfuls of sugar, along with two pieces of plain Sunbream bread. Although the girl on the Sunbeam bag would have the most masculine hairstyle of the three here.
-It’s about what you’d expect, with Kofi providing the energetic offensive jive, and McIntyre slowing it down to try and kill his hopes. Without going on too much of a tangent, I’m glad Vince pushes McIntyre as a heel harder than he pushes Jericho and Punk. The fans need to realize: if you cheer for a heel in rather large numbers, he’s not going to get pushed as hard. If you unanimously boo him or hate him, he gets pushed. Why? So you’ll cheer harder for the babyface to thwart him, and babyfaces who get that kind of love come off as bigger stars and sell more merch. I wish CM Punk would personally beat every fan who cheers him with a glass Pepsi bottle. Vince wants a hated heel, Vince gets a hated heel, even if the hatred is mostly apathy (see McCool, Michelle).
[adinserter block=”1”]-Kofi ultimately counters the Future Shock and it’s SOS, someone save Drew, giving Kingston his second Intercontinental title. Striker demands to know where Mr. McMahon is. I’m pretty sure if check Michael Cole’s aching eardrums, the trail should lead there.
-Just to make the fans happy, Matt Hardy comes out and beats up the whining Drew. Lesson, kids: just because you’re fat and spend your life trolling on the internetz, you can still beat up the handsome jock that your I’m-lucky-to-have-obtained-her girlfriend sweats over. WWE: warping the mind of children ever since we convinced them that Ivan Koloff was really a Communist.
-Meanwhile, Serena strokes CM Punk’s hair while Luke Gallows watches. Un-PG moment, or Justin just making it sound like one? Order the replay and find out!
-Next up, R-Truth (the new WWE United States Champion as of this writing) and Ted Dibiase square off, and yes, Dibiase has Virgil with him. I should note that the fans are chanting Virgil’s name, which makes him more over than anyone in this match. Virgil was a bottom tier guy and 1993, and he’s getting his name chanted over two alleged upper midcard talents in 2010. Bad sign.
-Dibiase slaps Truth, and then “The Fortunate Son” eats one of the nastiest slaps I’ve ever seen in return, which I hear legitimately gave him a concussion. Great, now WWE’s going to ban slaps! Way to cut all of the divas’ offensive arsenals in half, Truther!
-Cooker cutter match develops while Dibiase is still dazed and confused. Dibiase makes things worse with a horrible looking electric chair drop, which a man with his current level of coordination should not be attempting.
-Truth comes back with an Osaka Street Cutter (Smackdown 2: Know Your Role FTW!) and follows with the Lie Detector for the win. Bad match, but we can chalk that up to Dibiase not knowing where the Hell he was. Of course, he was clueless anytime Cody Rhodes wasn’t there to lead him by the nose, so maybe the concussion isn’t to blame.
-I look forward to the unification match for the US and Million Dollar Titles. It HAS to happen.
-Meanwhile, Drew McIntyre ruins Teddy Long’s office, except for the portrait of Martin Luther King Jr, because apparently Drew’s for equal rights. I’m with Drew. You shouldn’t be discriminated against just because you have the personality of a lint roller. You’ll always be part of our group, Drew.
-Now for something that disturbs me: CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio in the “hair vs. straight edge pledge” match. I like Mysterio’s point of view here. “The only way I’ll adhere to a lifestyle free of deadly vices and addictions is if you defeat me! And even then, I want to shave your head if I can beat you!”. That’s like Kobe Bryant facing Steve Nash in a game of one-on-one and Kobe says “If I win, you have to give me your car, but if you win, I’ll stop cheating on my wife”. I fail to comprehend.
-The previous paragraph doesn’t make it obvious, but Punk’s the heel here. In case you were confused.
-Typical one upsmanship kicks things off, and Punk gets the early advantage by flinging Mysterio out of the ring, and into the barber’s chair. Looked painful. By the way, if Rey wins, and he does the Brutus Beefcake strut before cutting Punk’s hair, this show gets an automatic thumbs up.
-By the way, the match has just ground to a halt as Punk has a small cut, and the medics are sealing and cleaning it in accordance with WWE’s stringent anti-blood policy, which is what happens when you hire Bill Alfonso, who no longer freelances for the PA state athletic commission.
-The Detroit fans, of course, are fuming over the medical involvment. Probably because Ron Artest is six wins away from an NBA title. Serves the drink thrower right.
-Punk comes to life like Ronald DeFeo in Amityville Horror, except it’s not quite 3:15 AM. Regardless, he brutalizes Mysterio, and I smile at the thought of Rey losing. If he became straight-edge, how many weeks would pass before he was down to his WCW weight? Three? Four? By August, he’d look like Nicole Richie in a bondage mask.
-To the finishing sequence, where Punk manages to take a 619 and then avoid the Dime Drop. However, Rey had enough juice (just speculating) to pin him with a crucifix. Well, damn. Really good match after the break in action, and these two are generally fun to watch. No exception here.
-Afterward, Punk’s cronies (Gallows, Serena, and The Gimp from Pulp Fiction) try to save him, but Kane saves for Rey, presumably to make up for trying to kill him in 2008. Well, that’s awful decent of him. And at the very least, with the haircut, Punk no longer looks like a male version of Justin Long.
-Big Show pwnz Chris Jericho and The Miz, just to establish the Vince McMahon Pecking Order.
-Sidenote: what’s stopping Vince from just putting together his own crappy version of Saturday Night Live with Great Khali, Hornswoggle, Goldust, Santino Marella, The Bella Twins, Jillian Hall, Vickie Guerrero, and the guest host each week? He could put it in NXT’s spot in October, do the same jokes every week, and then drive an 18-wheeler through the gap between Raw’s ratings and the sketch comedy show’s ratings. The real humor, though, is watching it upend Impact in the Nielsens every week.
-If WWE were LOST, Vince McMahon would be the Man in Black, and now he’s taken the form of Michael Cole. Cole just said “Bret Hart needs to go away”, and he’s spent three months slagging Daniel Bryan. I can’t wait for Michael Cole to say things like “Vote Linda McMahon for Senate in 2010!” and “Evan Bourne’s going to have to put on some muscle if he wants to beat the top stars here in WWE!”.
-Hart Dynasty defends the Unified Tag Team Titles against the Got2b Hair Glue Connection. I still say Natalya should grow a goatee to be just like her dad. Isn’t paying tribute to the previous generation the “in thing” in wrestling now? David Hart Smith’s worthless without a talented partner or opponent, so he’s just like HIS dad.
-Mid-air Codebreaker on Tyson Kidd! Jericho’s surprisingly spry and healthy for a man pushing 40. I look forward to seeing him retire the day before his next book is released, when he discusses the backstage turmoil during his WWE tenure. They can’t bury Chris if he doesn’t work there!
-Kidd hot tags Smith, who does his daddy-like power stuff on Jericho and Miz, and the crowd seems a bit anemic. Kinda wish Bret was here to play cheerleader, since Detroit is near Toronto. Nothing wrong with leeching off the old guard to get the new kids over.
-Heel miscommunication spot, and Jericho is taken out, leaving Miz alone to eat the Hart Attack, and the Dynasty retains all four shiny belts. You know, I can’t figure out why Miz is getting pinned so much. Someone who’s that annoying and confrontational, he’s supposed to go a while WITHOUT being pinned, so that when he IS finally pinned, it has more meaning to it. Match was merely okay.
-Edge/Orton video, which should be a good match. Unless something comically unexpected happens.
-On the outside, Edge drops Orton onto the railing chest first, and Orton immediately begins to favor his arm. Keep this part in mind, because it becomes important later.
-It’s important to note that the fans are chanting “RKO” for Orton, which seems to indicate that the fans prefer for their heroes to be violent sociopaths, as opposed to smiling do-gooders. Michael Cole’s commentary should improve at this point, since Vince is busy jamming his fingers into his ears and going “LA LA LA LA I DON’T HEAR ANYTHING”.
-Orton lands the rope assist DDT, and I think Edge’s neck (which I think has been broken since 1999) is beyond the point of forgiving him.
-Orton avoids the spear with a hard kick, and then does the mat pounding that precedes the RKO, except….he’s injured his arm punching the mat. Turns out he dislocated his shoulder, and the punching is what finished it off. That’s…..sad actually.
-The two brawl to the floor, where Edge misses another spear, and both men are counted out. Good lord, Edge and Orton are both more fragile than the families on Intervention. They should shoot a new video for Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train”, except instead of missing kids, they highlight both men’s injuries (“Edge’s neck: fractured since 1999”, “Randy Orton’s shoulder: missing since 2008″). Sadly, there’s enough to fill a four minute video. Match was fine until that ending debacle.
-Swagger/Show video. It’s like the Show/Brock Lesnar matches of 2002, except Brock is ill and replaced by his long lost cousin Jasper. I don’t have a good feeling about this one.
[adinserter block=”2”]-Allow me to sum up the entire match: Show dominates, Swagger gets some moves in, Show re-dominates, Swagger gets desperate, hits him with the belt for the DQ loss, Show lays him out anyway. On the one hand, if you paid money to see Swagger defend his belt, I feel bad for you. On the other hand, if you paid money to see Swagger, there’s a good chance you enjoy being disappointed during your leisure time.
-Who wants to bet at Fatal Four Way that Swagger escapes on a fluke pin? He’s like the old, sneaky JBL, except if JBL was Ronald Reagan at his most prolific and conservative, then Swagger is Reagan at his most Alzheimerific.
-Batista’s here to make John Cena cry. That’s easy, tell him that the troops hate him.
-To bring down the crowd during that last amazing spectacle of a match, Eve and Maryse are here to do battle for the Tramp Stamp belt. Wait, actually, that’s not right, my apologies. It’s actually Tramp Stamp TITLE. I forgot that “belt” is a dirty word in WWE canon.
-Pretty generic stuff. I like Eve, as she seems genuine and has those piercing Prussian eyes that are just oh so enchanting, but she offers nothing in terms of personality. There isn’t a single babyface diva on the roster, Natalya included, that connects with the fans as deeply as Trish, Lita, Stacy, Torrie, or Mickie. Except for maybe Kelly Kelly, but that’s because there’s photographic evidence online that she has the morals of a Lohan, and is thus easy. Might be a good time to bring Thickie Mickie back, ya’ll.
-Eve lands her neckbreaker thingie for the win, which is called the Eve’n’Flow. The only thing stopping Raven from suing for infringement is that he probably has no idea what day it is.
-Let’s just get the main event over with.
-John Cena vs. Batista for the WWE Title in an I Quit match, and there is no rematch clause. Oh crap, poor Batista! They finally have a nullifier for the unlimited title shot Game Genie code? This may truly be the end!
-Batista offers Cena one chance to quit, or else. Cena better take him up on it. There is no more painful submission hold in life than a robotic musclehead botching a move repeatedly and giving you scoliosis as a result.
-Crowd is divided, with half the fans booing Cena. What a startling development. Cena could have beaten Ron Artest with an air conditioning unit, or helped the Lions win one game in 2008, and he’d still be a pariah. Geez, let it go, he’s a main eventer until he dies, people. You don’t have a say.
-Batista spears Cena, which is far more impressive than the falling love tap version that Edge has done for forever and a day. He then locks on his version of the Rings of Saturn, which really needs its own name. I’m pretty sure that “Botch Lock” and “The Move That’ll Probably Tear My Arm More than Yours” aren’t exactly smiled upon by McMahon. Given Batista’s penchant for being a philander, I would suggest “Rat Trap”. I know, I know, they’re PG, I get it, I get it….
-Cena refuses to quit, and he soon locks Batista into his STF. This is what a Samoa Joe match would look like if Joe were uncoordinated and in shape. Wait, how does THAT work?
-Batista appears to have passed out, so Cena goes to the floor to get a bottle of water to revive him. Don’t cover up the truth, admit it: Batista’s gassed. If Batista’s this exhausted, that’s usually code for “Melina’s traveling with the group”.
-Batista turns the title with a MANLY spinebuster, a MANLY Batista Bomb, topped off by a MANLY powerslam through the announce table! MANLY! And Cena’s bleeding from the forehead! MANLY! And here are the medics to clean Cena off! Well, the Man Train’s been derailed. Come back in a few months when Linda loses her Senate bid, and Vince McMahon responds with the most violent, sexual, and demented programming you’ve ever seen. It’s going to happen, just brace yourselves.
-The two men brawl into the crowd, and Batista ends up taking a header onto a bunch of planted fans. Batista’s trying to outdo Orton on the “most improbable injury” scale, I think. It’s not like they have Kevin Nash around as competition anymore.
-Batista then rips off JBL by trying to run over Cena. Sparks shot out of the set, and many were horrified. Apparently, they believed that Cena was made of wires and electrodes. It just lends credence to my theory that Cena is a cyborg and can only be killed the way Johnny Mnemonic was killed.
-No, but Cena’s alive, and he ends up making Batista quit by threatening the Attitude Adjustment off the prop car onto the stage. Yep, really. Cena wins, and then drops him off anyway. Then Sheamus attacks Cena, continuing Sheamus’ streak of “attacking people involved in the World Title feud without directly being involved in the feud itself”. I like that Sheamus wore his ring attire for the duration of a three hour PPV that he didn’t have a match on. Shows dedication. Or an intense dislike of pants.
-CYNIC SAYS: Easily WWE’s worst PPV of the year thus far, with no blowaway matches and an incredible laundry list of injuries (Dibiase’s concussion, Orton’s shoulder, Punk and Cena’s open wounds, and Batista got hurt somehow). The lineup looked solid on paper, with many different feuds being showcased, and an array of lower tier guys getting showcased, so I was excited about it. However, it just seems like a lot of wasted opportunities.
But WWE’s still ahead of TNA in the game, even if I felt TNA had the better PPV this month with Sacrifice. As is the case though, WWE never stays consistently crappy and TNA never looks good for long.
Next month: Slammiversary vs. Fatal Four Way. Will TNA have enough money left to buy a decent birthday cake? And what comical injuries will WWE have in store for its devoted fanbase?
Justin Henry is a freelance writer who enjoys putting his thoughts and opinions into text. His love of professional wrestling, as well as enjoyment of writing, has led to the creation of the Cynical Examination, his personal writing haven. Justin can be found on Facebook, Twitter, his website portfolio, or he can be e-mailed at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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